Archive of Our Own

“Y’should come hang out with us, there’s another party at Epsilon Zeta tonight. Will be fun.”

You spared him a glance, momentarily diverting your attention from the paper in front of you and twirling the pen between your fingers, similar to how he was spinning the football in his hands.

“Yeah, fun for you and everyone else that only has two brain cells. Thanks, but no thanks. I need my eight hours of sleep to function.”

A frown wound its way on Jeno’s face. You stopped twirling your pen and went back to reread the last paragraph in your book, picking up a highlighter to continue what you had started before your local fratboy had so ungracefully interrupted.

“We never hang out anymore. What happened? Used to be such fun to be around you.”

His voice was tinged with sadness. You paused in your working, again. This time you didn’t look up at him, but past your book from underneath your lashes.

“I don’t know. It’s probably thanks to your new bros at your fraternity, or the fact you picked up football, or that you showed up to swim practice a whole lot of two times in this year. You tell me, Jeno. You tell me.”

He leaned forward, balancing the item of leather on his legs. His lips, parted to say something, snapped shut as you spoke up again, eyes still fixed on your book, capped end of your pen tapping your paper.

“Speaking of which, how’s that going? Football? Heard you’re having a great time there.” And at the afterparties.

He was uncomfortable now, his shoulders on different heights as he attempted to find a more relaxed position.

“The team’s great, and they- we’re really gettin’ a feel for each other. It’s fun to game with them. We’re a team.”

“What about your first team? The swim team? We don’t matter anymore?”

The way his lips pursed and his head rolled back told you enough - not that you had needed to hear or see it to know.

“Come on, you know that with you is different than... whatever that was with the swim team. I don’t even know why I joined, I don’t-”

The annoyance within you switched to sadness.

“You joined the swim team because you’re a great swimmer, Jeno. We both joined because we have fun swimming. And I wouldn’t even care if your interests changed, that’s perfectly normal, that happens, but to just leave us hanging like that? Leave me hanging like that? We have the first competition coming up next month, and our best swimmer won’t be there.” Bitterness now swung in your words as you shut your books, deciding this was as much work as you could get done today.

“Where are you going?” Jeno piped up, eyes wide and the smirk that had become so typical for him completely wiped off his face. You would’ve lied if you’d said it didn’t drive a thorn deeper into your heart that he just didn’t acknowledge what you’d just said.

“I’m done with this. The next time you wanna quit something, have the heart to let people know to not wait for you, but don’t come creeping after me to whine about ‘oh how fun it always used to be’ to hang out and wonder why that isn’t anymore, when you know damn well why. Face it, J, the only reason we kept seeing each other was three times a week for swim practice, and you decided to ditch that, so excuse me for not chasing after your alcohol-loving, girls fucking, football driven ass.”

With that you left, biting on your lower lip and sucking in a deep breath to keep the tears pooling in your eyes at bay.

He didn’t need to see just how much it hurt.

The library didn’t tolerate shouting and to your relief he didn’t come after you. No, the times in which he could read you like a book where long past now.

You tsked softly to yourself, pushing the doors of the building open and stepping out into the unused air.

Who did he think he was, just plopping down in the seat across from you after weeks of not speaking, seeing him?

It was ridiculous, how easily you accepted him back into your space, after all of that.

“Jeno’s not coming anymore.” You informed Jungwoo, later before practice.

The team captain frowned.

“Jeno’s dropped out?” Jaehyun asked from where he was stretching, and after he had repeated it, the faces of Chenle and Jisung turned as well. All of them had disappointment written over their expressions.

“He was the best of us. Without him we won’t stand a chance in two weeks.” Jaemin said lowly.

“Guys, guys. Pull yourselves together, alright? We all kinda knew Jeno didn’t put his heart into this anymore. We still got this.” At the glum expressions on the faces surrounding you Jungwoo’s shoulders first dropped  before he shook the negative vibes off. “ We’ll still be able to pull this off. Chenle, your time on the sprint is better than ever. Jaehyun, your endurance is incredible. Yuta, you’re perfecting your breaststroke, Jennie your turns are phenomenal. Just because we lost one of us doesn’t mean we’re gonna fail, as a team! We’re still strong together, with or without Jeno. Sure, maybe we’ll lag behind in the relay a bit, but _______ can fill in for him just fine, we got this! Don’t let this influence you negatively, you are still. Strong.” Jungwoo lowered his clipboard and looked around. “I don’t care if we don’t have such a great start into the season as last year, last year was spectacular and not comparable to anything we ever had. So let’s make this year fun. Let’s have fun with what we do best, which is punching water and kicking other team’s ass.” He looked around, from one face to the other. “We got this, do you hear me?! Let me hear it!”

“Yeah! We got this!” A chorus of half and half boys and girls replied, fists in the air, no matter if they were on land or in the water already.

“We’re so fucked.”

Jungwoo dropped his duffel next to the rack you used to dry clothing, and motioned for you to hand him your own swim bag. You gave it a kick that made it slide over and softly bump into his ankle, and with a sigh he went to work.

“I thought we got this?” You helped him set up the rack correctly, clicking the safety into place that he had forgotten the first time. Tender brown eyes met yours over the strings that held up your swim suits, and he lowered the first big towel.

“You know that was just to keep them motivated. Without Jeno, we can basically go home. He was the reason we took off like that last year, I thought… I thought this year would be just as good. What happened over the summer? Did something change? Did you do something?”

You threw one of the smaller hair towels at him and he grinned, signalling he didn’t really mean the last sentence.

“Fuck do I know, man. He decided to come and get on my nerves this noon actually, when I was studying. Is a real football slash fratboy now, carrying a ball and all. Disgusting.”

Jungwoo sighed and came around the rack after hanging up his own swim shorts, hooking his right arm over your right shoulder, his knuckles brushing your collarbone. Both of you took a quiet moment to just stare out of the small window, into the shady alley between the student dorms.

“Did you try talking to him?” You asked, arms crossed over your chest but leaning into Jungwoo’s side. “I don’t know if it’ll be any good at this point, but just… to make things formal, in a way? He never said he switched, I’m not saying you should trick him back into the team with something like bureaucracy, but… Y’know?”

The warm arm slipped off your shoulder and its owner traipsed into the small kitchen, rummaging through the freezer.

“I went to see him, after he had missed practice a whole week and wasn’t answering my texts. One of his fratbros, the one that looks like he’s constantly ready to rip his shirt of and shred you, didn’t even let me past their door. Said Jeno was busy or some. I don’t know.” Jungwoo closed the door with his elbow and plopped the box with pizza on the stove, turning on the toaster oven before retrieving the baking plate from within. “I have to admit, I was really lazy about that, though. Should’ve caught him after class or so, not just… give up after one try.”

He sighed.

“Yeah, well.” You sighed, too, and picked out two glasses from the cupboard. “Cheers to my flatmates being at Epsilon Zeta’s party and us having the space all to ourselves.”

The somewhat tired expression on Jungwoo’s face changed into that of dark glee.

“Oh, we will.”

“I told Jeno I’d need my sleep when he invited me over to that dumb party, I doubt he’d accept this as sleep.” Your voice was a bit thick from where you were mushed against Jungwoo’s side, halfway through ‘The Two Towers’.

“Well, fuck Jeno and his pretty uwu-smile. At least you’re still here.” Jungwoo took another swig from the coke bottle, not bothering with the glasses you’d used before and now safely stored on the couch table, on each side of the opened bag of chips and other sweets. Your friend groaned comfortably after he’d stretched one leg and placed the socked foot on the edge of the already heavily laden table.

“Yeah. Don’t worry, I won’t suddenly stop coming. I love swimming too much for that.”

“Oh yeah?” He glanced down on you, lips flushed from drinking and the hot pizza sauce. His soft, light brown hair let a single strand fall into his eyes where the rest was brushed back. “What about me? Do I not matter to you at all?”

You chuckled.

“Yes, my cherished team Captain, you are the other, sole reason I ever attend practice.”

He let out a satisfied grumble. “Good. ‘Cause if you were to quit as well, we’d be fucked. Like for real. I’d resign instantly.”

One and a half weeks later, after one of the two last practices before the first competition, someone entered the pool area as you were currently very busy staying out of the water, with almost all of the younger ones beckoning you closer to the edge, just once _______, please; but you knew what their prying hands were after and you wouldn’t allow them the satisfaction of getting what they wanted. Your clothes were nice and dry; you had taken the opportunity to observe everyone swimming this time instead of training, yourself; there was no need to change that now.

Your plan had one fatal flaw, however, which came in the shape of your Captain - and his very own hands, pushing you into the water.

A shout of surprise left your lips as you tumbled down, but not before your fingers locked in an iron grip around the collar of Jungwoo’s polo shirt, dragging him in with you.

Splashing and cheers filled the hall as Jungwoo resurfaced, shaking water out of his hair and rubbing at his eyes, a big grin on his face.

“I’m gonna make you swim extra laps for that, _______!” He threatened, floating closer to where you were currently pulling yourself out of the water by the ladder’s handlebars. “Get back in here!”

His hands closed around your hips, almost ready to pull back, when Chenle’s voice suddenly rang out, disbelief swinging in it.

“Jeno?”

The whole pool fell silent.

Jungwoo’s hands tightened around your middle before he let go and dropped back into the water as Jeno came towards your corner, pants rolled up over his ankles and feet bare. One hand was stuffed into his pocket, the other rubbed his neck.

“Hey, everyone.”

You took the last step out of the water and rose to your full height, stepping up to him and making room for the drenched Jungwoo to escape the water as well.

“What do you want here?” Arms crossed over your chest by themselves. A warm hand fell on your shoulder.

“Hi. Is there anything we can help you with, Jeno?”

Jeno’s eyes wandered from your position, locked and unrelenting, over Jungwoo’s hand on your shoulder to the more open, but still reserved, posture of his old Captain.

“Yeah, I, uh… I just… wanted to say, good luck, for the event. It’s this weekend, right?”

“That’s right, yeah. Thank you, it’s appreciated. Anything else?”

“Uh…” Jeno’s eyes swerved over the pool, over the faces of your team mates, who had gathered on the edge of the water and hung on the lane partitions, sprinkled around the corner you stood at. “Uh, nah. Nothing else.”

Without any more words the black haired guy turned around and walked out, leaving you to look at each other in mild confusion and disbelief.

As the door in the direction of the lockers swung shut, you elbowed Jungwoo.

He rubbed the spot between his ribs and send you an accusing look.

“You wanted to talk to him? Go talk to him, now.”

You threw him a towel and he caught it, falling into a jog and not long after vanished, hot on Jeno’s trail.

With a sigh you grabbed your bag and water bottle where you had dropped them during the assault.

“Alright everyone, fun time’s over. Get out of there and showering. Don’t forget to put your hats on and dry your hair before going outside, Jungwoo will roast you alive if any of you gets sick before Saturday.”

“I’m more afraid of what _______’ll do to us if we get sick. Jungwoo would just give us tea and send us home or something…”

“Jisung, I heard that!”

The boy in question ducked his head, giving a sheepish grin over his back before speed walking into the showers, Chenle in tow.

Saturday came, faster than anticipated. Class had kept you busy during the mornings and the last training had happened without much faze, despite the unclear reasons as to why Jeno had really visited the pool before.

The younger ones pushed you to explain, counting on your close relationship with the Captain, but you could only shrug.

“He’ll have his reasons, both of them, for sure. Some kinda unspoken guy-thing, maybe.”

And now here you were, shaking your head at Jungwoo, sitting wrapped in a thick scarf with a running nose and a box of Kleenex on his lap, across the aisle on the bus with you and the rest of the team.

“How long were you out in the cold like that, anyways?” You asked, pausing your observing of the landscape passing by outside.

Jungwoo stubbornly shrugged, keeping his silence about the encounter. Almost everyone else was asleep in the rows behind you, the early morning not helping.

“Did he hand in his formal resignation? Finally made it official?”

Jungwoo sneezed into another tissue and shook his head.

“...so? What did he say? Did he say anything? Why are you so cryptic about everything?”

You whipped your head around and lifted an accusing finger. “-Don’t you dare say ‘You will see’, I’m- No.”

Your Captain shut his mouth again. You stared at him a while longer, lips pressed into a single line.

“Fine. Whatever. Keep your si- Bless you. Keep your silence, if it makes you happier. I can’t be bothered with this right now.”

And you demonstratively fully turned in your seat, showing him the cold shoulder.

It didn’t take five minutes until someone poked your arm. Already annoyed you twisted your head, ready to rip Jungwoo a new one, when the face of Jaehyun abruptly shut any plans of whisper-yelling down.

“Hey.” He said lowly, and you scrambled to scoot over into the seat closer to the window, shoving your jacket off the other seat and under the empty row in the front.

“Hey- Jaehyun? Whatcha doing here?”

The other slid into the cleared spot and buried his exposed hand back into its sweaterpaw. You couldn’t make anything of the almost condescending look on his face.

“I, ah, kinda heard you and Woo just now. J is still haunting your mind as well, huh?”

You often forgot that Jaehyun was one of the oldest members of the team, alongside Jungwoo and yourself. When he joked and goofed around with the younger ones it was easy to look over his toned form that spoke of a little more training, a little more experience, and so whenever he approached you, the Vice Captain, not as just a swimmer but as an actual person who was in the year above yours, it always came as a surprise.

Now you gave him a side-eyed look, trying to judge if it’d impact the team if you’d tell him.

A quick glance over to Jungwoo showed your Captain out cold, Kleenex in hand.

You sighed.

“Honestly? I hate how I’m still thinking about him. I know it’s not been that long, but really, if he decided to fuck off like this, he doesn’t deserve me pondering about it, and especially not Woo, and while we’re at it who does he think he is, just waltzing in on practice like that, disrupting everyone? The newbies just got used to him /not/ being there, and then he just- Ugh. And it’s not like I’m safe outside either, he can just decide to come sit down next to me while I’m trying to study and I can do fuck all about that. Fuck. Fuck him. I hate him.”

You resolutely crossed your arms over your chest and sat back, a mix of a frown and a pout on your face.

Jaehyun dropped his gaze to his knees and fiddled with a lose thread on the hem of his sweater.

“Sounds like you guys were pretty close. I know you joined the team together last year but...”

He trailed off, lifting his eyes after a moment.

“Yeah. You could say that.” The bitterness of your words left an aftertaste on your tongue.

“Did you guys were in a relationship and broke up?”

You sighed and stared at the headrest of the seat in front of you. “Nah.”

“Neither?”

“Yup.” You plopped the ‘p’.

Jaehyun turned his head to face forward again. Then, after a few heartbeats of silence...

“But you love him, don’t you?”

You closed your eyes. “I’m an aromantic asexual, Jae.”

“And? Doesn’t mean you can’t have loved him.”

The glare from your gaze as you rolled your head in his direction made him lift his hands.

Outside the windows the morning dawned in streaks of a smudged grey blue and faded pink.

You didn’t respond until the blue had left the clouds and the sky was a slightly brighter shade of grey.

“Yeah.”

It was small and so quiet that you almost hadn’t heard yourself; not to speak of Jaehyun, who you weren’t even sure had stayed.

“Hm?”

A yawn stretched your face, but when you closed your mouth again all anger had left your body. You were just tired and miserable.

“Yes, Jaeyhun, I love Jeno. But admitting that doesn’t help anyone now.”

Jaehyun continued to look at you for a while longer and under his heavy gaze you shrunk back in your seat.

“Stop looking at me like that.” It came out more vulnerable than intended and you bit on your lower lip.

“It sucks.” He said, and there was nothing but honesty in his voice. “Losing someone like that. Does he know? That you love him, I mean?”

“Pff.” You settled into a new position and blinked away your tears. “Don’t think he’d care much even if he did. This is not some dumb rom-com where A tells B they’ve been in love all this time and then B suddenly turns their life around bcuz LuOvE.” You mimicked the Spongebob meme and Jaehyun chuckled.

Your eyes stayed on him a while longer until the smallest smile made your lips twitch upwards.

“Yeah, guess you got a point there. Alright. Sorry that I’ve been a bit of a bother, but was nice talking with you.” He lifted from his seat and promptly had to reach out a hand to the roof of the bus that curved over your seat as the driver swerved into a different lane.

Your lips curled some more as Jae pursed his.

“Hey, Jae. Why didn’t you opt for the spot of Captain?”

He turned his head to look back at you, a fond smile on his face.

“I’m a person that can better follow than lead, trust me. But between you and Woo...” His eyes travelled to the Captain, with his head rolled back and mouth open. “-You got it handled pretty well, let me tell you.”

You huffed good-naturedly and the other returned to his seat further back, just as you passed a sign that listed the distance to today’s destination.

It would be another good hour and so you put your chin in your hand, staring out the window, as sleep was nowhere close in the range of possibilities.

The hall was as noisy and packed as ever during competition season.

You wondered if the scent of chlorine and the warm, moist air would ever lose their effect of making adrenaline jolt you wide awake, fill you with anticipation at feeling the water surround you again.

There were already people warming up in the pool, the continuous splashing of swimmers jumping in at one end and turning at the other being the backdrop of endless chatter, cheers, shouts...

You plucked the clipboard out of Jungwoo’s hand as he struggled to balance the box of tissues, the small bag with already used ones, his own sportsbag and the aforementioned board after following you into the main hall.

“Can you check whe- Achoo! Where our seats are?”

“Bless you. Already on it... Row M on the Bleachers. Fuck they have a whole viewing tribune here... Looks like we gotta climb some stairs. You good Cap?”

Jungwoo was quick to nod, lips parted to breathe easier.

“Here, you go ahead. I’ll make sure no one got lost on their way in.” You motioned for him to go forward and turned back, gaze already scanning the mix of capped and bare heads above the mass of school-colour-coordinated outfits.

You missed the way Jungwoo’s eyes scanned the rows of visitors above the other participants.

Warm up was done and by now you were sitting in your shorts and slightly too big team-shirt squished between Jaehyun and Mina, your usual controlled self to the outer world while your heart fluttered like a small bird in the cage of your chest.

The first races would start soon and the emotions vibrating in the hall were already high strum – not even Jaehyun’s reassuring, tight hold around your side could change that. He was too attentive to have missed the nervous silence that had fallen over you, while the newbies whispered about their envy for the unbothered-ness of their Vice Captain.

Jungwoo was nowhere in sight.

“I swear to god if Woo misses the solo races-“

“Language.”

“Fuck off Jae. Where is that walking germ machine?”

“I think I saw him taking the stairs to the rows above us, for the visitors. Do you know if he expected someone to come with us?” Jennie leaned over Mina’s lap, eyes round.

Out of reflex you turned and looked over the seats, not able to spot Jungwoo’s face mask in the mass that still hadn’t settled down.

An unidentifiable feeling crept into your gut.

“Probably seeing if he can sneak better seats for the relays or some shit. Whatever.”

But your knuckles turned white around the clipboard in your lap.

Silence lasted on the hall, droning over the smooth surface of the undisturbed water, rolling between the starting blocks, circling around your form before piling as anticipation inside you.

Goggles in hand you slipped out of your flip flops, placing them aside before pulling the elastic over your head and sticking the lenses over your eyes.

Three short whistles sounded and the excitement pooled in your stomach, nervous energy simmering and beginning to boil in your legs as you climbed the first step.

The lane was short, 25m, so you’d have a turn on your 50m Butterfly.

One long whistle and you stepped up to the top, dropping into a crouch.

Breathe in. And out.

Time seemed to stretch into eternity.  Faintly you could hear the lights buzzing overhead, through the rubber cap closing your ears. You wanted to jump in, now, now, now, now-

The grizzled voice of one of the referee’s speaking into a megaphone made goosebumps rise all over your body.

“Ready-“

The next sound was so ingraved into your mind your hands twitched in anticipation of hearing it.

The beep sounded through the hall and before you could think about it the water surrounded you.

Below the surface it was calm and quiet, even with your arms and legs moving, propelling you forward. Every time you came up for air it was like hell had broken lose right here and now, so loud were the yells and deafening screams filling the previously empty air.

Then you dove back down, eyes focusing on the tiles of the pool below, and it didn’t matter anymore.

You pushed through the turn, only coming up for air after having skipped it right before going into it.

Lane six on your left lagged about a quarter lane behind you while lane four on your right was close in front.

By the time you slapped both hands against the space below the starting block you’d jumped off not even two minutes before, your arms were screaming and you silently cursed yourself for not warming up better as the beginning of a cramp threatened to take over your left calve.

Several other hearty ‘slap’s could be heard not long after you had arrived.

Only after the referee nodded its head did you pull yourself up and out of the water, shaking with adrenaline and only beginning to come down from panting and a racing heartbeat.

Jungwoo was waiting with Jaehyun behind lane four, where your teammate would start for Freestyle in one of the next rounds. Your Captain smiled through his facemask, excitedly giving you a thumb up before you slipped back into your shoes and gratefully took the towel Jaehyun threw at you.

“You totally came in first!” Jungwoo exclaimed as you stepped up to them. One of your eyebrows rose, sceptical.

“Yeah right. I fucked up the last sprint, there’s no way I could make it before lane three.”

“We’ll see. Results should come in before one PM.”

You towelled off roughly before wrapping yourself in it. “How late’s it now?”

“Half past twelve.”

You nodded before the slightly sour expression vanished from your face and you clapped a hand to Jaehyun’s still dry shoulder.

“Kick it, Jae. You can do this.”

He gave you a grin and lifted his palm. With a smirk you met it in a High Five that left both your hands burning. Jaehyun laughed.

As it turned out you had indeed won your round of Butterfly and advanced to the next round, as did Jaehyun. Several of the newbies clocked in second or third, and Jungwoo was in high spirits as he plopped down next to you around half past two.

Part of your sandwich slipped down the wrong pipe and you coughed, tears rising into your eyes.

For the time being the pool was reserved for the second warm-ups, which lowered the sense of fierce competition in the air.

“We’re off not too bad.” His voice was somewhat dulled through the mask, but the way his eyes bend into crescents told you he was pleased. After taking another bite you peeked over his arms on the spreadsheet that he had noted everyone’s name, discipline, round, lane, and time.

You scoffed at the little heart he’d drawn next to your winning time.

“This is going better than I expected, to be honest. Mina is up next, they’re starting breaststroke in her year now. “

“When are relays again?”

“Uhh... To- Morrow? No, here, at seven. Mixed relays are at seven, the others are tomorrow, after the endurance and seconds rounds from today. No wait, we have our relay tomorrow, too; today is just for younger aged mixed teams. Wow what a mess... Freaky scheduling.”

“I am shivering in fear of whoever planned this out. When are we supposed to head out? I feel like we’re lagging behind.” You swallowed the last bite of your sandwich half and longingly stared at the second one. You knew you couldn’t eat it now, it’d weight too heavy during your Freestyle race coming up. Instead of the delicious bread and veggies, you settled for a cereal bar as a dessert.

“Have you seen Mina?” Jaehyun yelled from the stairs over the heads of several bickering swimmers from a neighbouring team. Jungwoo shook his head.

“Isn’t she warming up right now?”

“Did you check the locker rooms?” Jaeyhun lifted his hands at your question and shook his head at Jungwoo’s.

You were half out of your seat when Jungwoo gently pushed you back down, rising in your stead.

“You stay and digest properly, I don’t want you throwing up. Jaehyun, I’ll be there in a second, give me a moment – Any of you seen her?” He asked, directed at Chenle and Jennie, wrapped in an intense game of Uno with two of their friends from a different team. Both shook their heads, but Jennie shoved her cards into Chenle’s chest and followed her Captain away.

Fifteen minutes later and they hadn’t shown up yet, time for warm ups running out and the next round of races coming up fast.

On your ride back home you sat with an arm slung around Mina, wrapped in Jaeyhun’s soft pullover, far too big on her.

Her tears had subsided by now, but her head was still resting on your shoulder, her body curled into yours.

Jennie had found her sobbing in a toilet stall in the girl’s locker room, overwhelmed by the experience and shaken to the core at the fear of coming in last in her round, or even approaching the starting block.

After much coaxing and reassuring words from you and Jennie she’d finally come out and, in the end, had gotten her chance to swim after all, as Jisung had intentionally messed up his start, delaying the whole round by several minutes as one of the resident hot heads hadn’t heard the multiple honks of the siren, signalling the cancellation of the first start.

Too exhausted from the day, you fell into bed that night, not bothering to check your phone or do anything else besides hang up your gear to dry in time for tomorrow and wolf down an unholy amount of pasta.

The second day of the tournament started as early as the last one. The bus was silent, only Jungwoo’s sniffling ringing through it.

Mina sat next to you again, but this time in support of you, how she had phrased it – you did have your seconds round today as well as the relay.

She was currently napping, her head laying on your shoulder, while you scrolled through your Captain’s phone, reading an updated schedule he’d downloaded before boarding.

They switched some of the second rounds around, but most of it was training races anyway.

Mina mumbled a few nonsense words and snuggled closer. You took a moment to lower the mobile device and lay your cheek on the crown of her head.

Forcing the memory of a similar scene, only with you in Mina’s place and Jeno in yours, out of your head, you went back to the chart on the display.

The first tournament completely without  Jeno. You thought to yourself. It didn’t feel like that, not really.

He could’ve just went to the toilet and stayed there, and you caught yourself, later, sat on the bleachers again. Caught yourself looking up after cracking a particular lame joke, only to quickly dip your eyes back down, realizing Jeno’s smile wouldn’t be there to affirm that the joke was, indeed, as terrible as Jaehyun proclaimed.

You couldn’t find it in you to care much for what went down in the pool below the handrails of the bleachers, pretended to nonetheless to not discourage the newbies.

Jungwoo found you half an hour later just outside the doors, basking in a spot of thinning sunlight, with a cup of overpriced gummies.

“You good?”

“Yeah, Just want to get this over with and go to sleep...” Sudden realization dawned on you. “Fuck tomorrow is a school day.”

A hand came up to rub over your face and stayed over your eyes. “I’m too tired, Woo. I’ll have to pass the relay. Swimming my seconds was too much.”

You were only half joking at this point, but Jungwoo just closed his arms around you and rested his head on your shoulder.

“It’s too much.” You whispered into his shoulder, and he only held you closer.

“I’m going first, everyone else knows the order, right? Right. Okay. Remember, we don’t need to win, but if we do... That’d be nice. Okay, we’re up next. Don’t die and have fun.”

“Inspirational.” You heard Yuta muttering after you had already turned around and put on your goggles, and Sicheng hummed in agreement.

Your irritated eyes searched for your Captain among the rows of the bleachers, but once more, he was nowhere to be found. Oh well.

Before the masses calmed down you felt three hands on your shoulders, giving a reassuring squeeze.

You didn’t need to turn back to know all of your teammates were silently showing you their support through a simple gesture.

“We’re with you till the end of the line.” Yuta mumbled, barely loud enough to hear over the general ruckus.

Strength flooded your arms, spread through your middle and stretched down into your legs.

The simple comment, the quiet acknowledgement of the pain that came with having to go first, to lead them all, with this whole situation, because just last year it had been Jeno standing in almost the exact same spot you were in now, facing the water with nothing but determination and a will too strong to turn back now.

The trust they placed in you made you lift your chin. It fuelled the rage burning inside your chest, about how unfair all of this was, how you had never aimed for leadership, how it had been thrust upon you and how you were still too proud to let anyone else handle it.

The first whistle sounded and you took a step forward, the warm fingers letting go of your shoulders, but the feeling of unrelenting trust, appreciation and team spirit stayed. It radiated from your shoulders and spread behind you like blazing wings burning brighter than the stars.

The first 50m were a blur. Your flat hand hit the end of the lane with a loud clap and a shadow jumped over you, dove into the water and was gone.

The water clung to you as you pulled yourself up and out, but it had to let you go as you gave a reassuring touch to both Jenny and Sicheng, anxiously waiting their turn.

The situation in the pool didn’t look too bad. Jennie filed you in on your great start and the distance you built up that the other teams currently struggled to match, with how Yuta was zooming through the blue water, closing in on the turn zone again.

Sicheng jumped in next and lost a bit of distance after he messed up the turn, but then he came back, giving the lane to Jennie who seemed possessed by a fierce energy to make it at least third.

She was good, you noticed every time you watched her swim. When she overtook lane two in her turn your heart began to beat faster again – she was in third now, only a meter separating her from lane three. If she could make the distance up...

It was easy to give into the spirit, to yell along your other swimmers, focusing your whole attention on the girl in the water below, trying to push her forward with the shouts.

When she surfaced, only a few arm lengths from the end your heart jumped into your throat. Lane six had already wrapped their relay, way before anyone else, but Jennie...

Jennie pulled through, skipped coming up for air with her last four strokes in favour of utilizing all her remaining strength.

When she hit the end of the lane your eyes flew to lane three. You caught the moment their swimmer came in – moments after Jennie.

She had won - you had won.

You reached out with the arm that wasn’t slung around Sicheng’s middle when she got out of the water, out of breath and not knowing what had happened yet.

Sicheng yelled “We won! Well we kinda lost but we still won!”

You pulled her into the group hug you shared with Yuta, and all of you stuck your heads together and grinned, happiness and the elation of knowing you won making your hearts soar.

In the end it turned out that lane six had set some uber-intense results, beating a competition record and leaving virtually everyone in their metaphorical dust, but that didn’t matter.

You, for yourself, among the less victory-driven teams, had won.

Around you the competition continued but you didn’t care about it anymore. With your head in Yuta’s lap, legs over Jennie’s, a big smile plastered over your face and Sicheng half-heartedly commenting the events that took place below you all, it was enough.

It was enough, you thought to yourself, closing your eyes against the ceiling and, for the first time this school year, feeling utterly able to relax. Let go of the stress and anxiety that snuck around your days.

In this moment you were weightless.

“Hey guys!” Jungwoo’s voice reached you, and Sicheng broke off his commentary completely. You didn’t move, too comfortable in your spot.

“I’m so happy you won the relay! Lane six were idiots for starting in the same time slot, of course no one could match them- But you! You guys did it! You won! I’m so proud of you! –And you, especially!”

A finger poked your stomach, into the soft tissue there, and you let out a noise of protest that morphed into a whine as you wrapped your arms around your middle and turned your head. Then you cracked an eye open, already complaining about how this treatment was not what you deserved and how you had expected better from him, how you felt utmost betrayed, when a  person behind your Captain leaned around the brunet and said “Looks like you really still got it.”

The words you’d wanted to say dropped back down your throat. An uncomfortable silence spread within you, half still caught in the euphoric feeling that the win had brought with it, half sluggish from the serene mood that had settled over your small corner of the bleachers.

Jeno beamed around Jungwoo, who looked over the present faces, smiling despite his still reddened nose.

With a sigh you pulled your legs off Jennie and sat up, waiting a heartbeat for your heart to get accustomed to the change of position before standing up and without much care pushed past the two males.

This was not something you could use now, still tasting victory alongside the chlorine water on your lips.

But of course he was here for a reason, and that seemed to involve you, and so he caught you at the end of the stairs.

“Hey, _______, wait. Can- Can I talk to you?”

“No.” You answered flatly, figuring the quickest way to momentarily get rid of him would be the toilets.

“Jungwoo said you’d be- Can you slow down please? I just wanted to congratulate you on your relay today;  that was really great. _______, please? Are you even listening to me?”

He had grabbed your wrist and tugged at it. You forcefully ripped it out of his grasp, turned in your spot and glared him down.

“What do you really want here? I know you don’t care about swimming anymore, otherwise it’d have been you out there, swimming in the relay, fighting alongside us. Is this some kind of self-redemption thing? You thinking if you just blabber us full of meaningless talk it’ll ease on the loss you caused the team? What?”

He kept quiet for a heartbeat, eyes staring into yours, lips moving without sound.

“Although I gotta give it to you, I didn’t expect you to come all the way out here to pull some bullshit like this, or-“ A twitch of his cheek and your heart fell. “Ah. Right. It wasn’t your idea. Did Jungwoo ask you to come here? To, I don’t know, fuck shit up even more? Just stay away Jeno. You don’t get to ruin this.”

“Actually... It was my idea to ask if he wanted to come.” Came a quiet voice from behind you.

Upon turning you couldn’t believe your eyes. Jaehyun stood in front of the doors leading to the showers, towelling himself off even though his hair kept dripping down his chest.

“You.” You stated, feeling part of the annoyance, the blatant hurt within you, turn and direct itself at the dark brunet. You pressed your lips together, mulling over the emotions welling within you and how betrayal was swirling into it.

“And what did you think this would bring?”

“A chance for both of you to speak yourself out.” Jaeyhun simply stated, dropping the towel around his shoulders, crossing his arms and using his posture as a way to add an intimidating ring to his words. “I know you still have an earful for this idiot, and as it happens, I’m friends with his Coach, and it looks like Jeno has a some pent up feelings about all of this, too. So, you’re welcome. Now get along, children.”

He shooed you in the direction of the hallways, leading into various directions.

“Will you... Will you listen to me, now?” Came the voice from Jeno, shortly behind you.

You stopped halfway between the showers and the common areas, arms crossing over your chest and leaning back against the wall. Any people previously milling in the space cleared out as the line-up for the next relay got announced.

“So? What do you want to say.”

“Can we do this one for one? I say something, you say something?”

He had the decency to look somewhat bashful. You narrowed your eyes at him and kept quiet, save for the slightest incline of your head.

“Okay,” He sighed, his back hitting the wall opposites you. “I’ll go first, I guess.”

He ran a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry. For completely ignoring you over the summer.” He swallowed, staring at the floor. As you didn’t speak up, his eyes slipped up, landing on your face. “Your... your turn.”

You were tempted to not say anything. Just keep quiet, let him stew in his own juices, never opening your mouth again.

“I’m really fucking disappointed in you. For just dropping what we had, what we had with the team during last school year. Just like that. With no explanation.”

He ducked his head.

“I-  I, I started to have... There were some things I needed to sort out, and then Jungwoo and you started to really hit it off during the few times we met for swimming after winning the year’s finals, and I... I felt... I was jealous. Because you liked him so much more than me. No, I’m-“ He held up a hand as you wanted to intercept. “I’m not done yet. I realized how dumb it was, over the summer, when I didn’t text you, or saw you, or anything. I- God I missed you like crazy. But every time I picked up the phone to send a funny video to you, or a pic, or... anything, really, I just. I couldn’t get over myself and how shitty I treated you and Jungwoo during the last weeks. And then... summer vacation was over and we were back here, and over the summer I kinda hung out with Johnny, and Doyoung, and... they were really nice, and when a spot at their frat house opened, I jumped at it. The booze and... this sense of, of different.. friendship... helped forget about you, and the team.”

You stared at him, eyebrows drawn, silent.

“It’d have been nice to get an official fuck you note or something from you, something that drew a clear cut in our friendship.”

He pressed his lips together and avoided your gaze.

“I miss swimming. A few times I met up with Jaeyhun, just to spend some time in the water again. I still miss you.”

“I-“ You closed your eyes and pinched the bridge of your nose. “I don’t know what this is supposed to achieve. I don’t know why anything I could tell you would change anything.”

“Maybe it doesn’t need to change anything. Just... let’s just say what we have to say? I’m sorry I was too much of a coward to face what I was feeling head on, and that I took it out on you like this. That I was too selfish about my feelings and instead of preserving the friendship I had with you rather shut myself off and pretended to be someone else entirely. That I was such a dick addressing it, wrongly, whenever I sat down with you or met you in the hallway.”

“I don’t know if it’d have changed anything in the way I would’ve seen you if you’d have told me, then.”

You answered truthfully, the venom stealing out of your words. “Whatever the real reason was that you got jealous of Jungwoo and me. But that doesn’t change the fact we haven’t really talked since last year’s finals, and this now, here, you coming here, invading the space you pushed yourself out of-“

You shook your head once, “I appreciate you telling me, whatever this was, I guess, but it doesn’t-“

“It was because I love you, okay?”

Jeno’s sudden outburst made you close your mouth. His eyes glinted, his foot tapped the floor impatiently and he had half peeled himself off the wall.

Your heart slipped past your liver down into the region of your hips.

“It was because I loved you. Different than how I had ever loved someone before. And seeing how easy it was for Jungwoo and you to, to... You were constantly touching. Holding hands, hugging, resting in each other’s space, god, _______, he even had his hand on your thigh during movie nights with the team, while I sat aside, not even able to have my arm around you!”

“That’s not something you have a say in.” You spoke lowly. Jeno’s head whipped around, his eyes wild. His teeth released his lip where he’d bitten down on it.

“Yeah, no, I know- I know okay? Nobody owns you, I know. It just added to how insignificant I felt at that time, my inability to muster the guts to just...”

Something in him seemed to have snapped, releasing the invisible barrier keeping all of this back. You kept silent and watched him spill over.

“I realized I was so incredibly jealous because for Jungwoo it was so easy to just...just do that! And for some reason I just couldn’t. No, I couldn’t, and every time my rational side would go ‘But Jeno you can just ask!’ I just. I just... couldn’t do it. And I hate myself so much for it. I hate that I messed all of this up. I just. The last time we saw each other, before this year’s school, before summer, we didn’t even hug goodbye.”

His voice broke at the end and he stared at your face, shoulders rolling forward, looking utterly lost.

At your unmoving facade he blinked and searched the floor with his eyes instead. When he spoke again his voice was shaking, thin. “I’m sorry. I know what I did was dumb, childish, and I understand if you don’t want to see me ever again after today. I just. Wanted to say this.”

He fell back to the wall, like it had a gravitational pull on him, stuffed his hands in his pockets and huffed out a sigh.

You continued to look at him, mind blanking at the thought of what you could, should, say.

Eventually you settled on something.

“It really hurt, you know? Just suddenly being robbed of my best friend. And it’s not like this would be the first time. You know that, I told you all about the first-“ Deep breathe. “I really thought you’d be better than this. Than all of that. I thought what we had was good, a stable friendship. If you’d have wanted to include more skinship, or anything, into this friendship, you could’ve. Really, you could have just asked. I thought you knew I’d never laugh at you or ridicule you for something like that. I’ve told you things... I don’t even want to think of anymore. You know so much shit about me, and to be honest, I’m just waiting for the day you’re spilling it all out to someone and they start gossiping. I’m waiting for it. I waited for you, too, the whole of summer, the months after vacation. I knew at that point you’d dropped me, and I still couldn’t let you go, because I love my friends, I’ll always do, I just have a loyal heart and I can’t help it, and I really thought you’d know that. That even after all this absolute bullshit of first being mean and a dick and then not talking to me, I’d still take you back. Because that’s how much I love you, Jeno. That’s how weak of a person I am. I can pretend to be strong, or not caring, or like I like to punish newbies for not following guidelines, but the truth is that I will always love too deeply, too fiercely; But maybe that’s because it’s the only love I have to give. Maybe it’s the only thing I can give. Maybe, if I just love someone enough, they’ll see, feel that they are loved one day. Maybe even know it’s me loving them. But evidently, that doesn’t work out. Never does. It doesn’t really surprise me. I’m just disappointed, because you. I thought you knew. I thought you knew how much it meant to me. That you saw how much soul I poured into all of this. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t. I just know that I’ll need time. To digest all of this. I don’t know. I don’t. Know.”

When you looked at him next, you could make out two thin trails of wetness running down Jeno’s cheeks.

“If I. Would you. Could we try again? Can we be friends again? Maybe?”

He asked, so carefully.

You shrugged, glancing at his figure from the corners of your eyes. “I don’t know. It’s not up to me. If you think you can be my friend, fine. But either you’re committing to this, or don’t. I don’t have time for half-assed attempts. And it’ll need time. I can’t just... We can’t just pick up where we left off. It doesn’t work like that.”

He nodded, like he actually understood what you’d been rambling about, even though you weren’t too sure yourself.

Jeno took a deep breath and ran both his palms over his face. You leaned forward, ready to turn and leave, but finding your legs unwilling to unlock just yet. They were stiff from standing still so long, and you frowned down on them.

“Can I. Would- Would you be okay if we hugged?”

You wanted to say no. You wanted to curl away, pull back into your shell, where nothing could hurt you. This conversation, this whole day could have not happened. You could wake up tomorrow and find it was only Saturday, or worse, Friday; the whole weekend of tournament still in your future.

It seemed easy to brush over everything he’d just said, ignore it in favour of holding on to the painful grudge that had holed itself into a spot in your soul.

You wanted to turn on your heels and walk away, let the conflict sink below the surface again, until you went back to ignoring each other in the hallways of school. It seemed so easy.

“Yeah.” It escaped your lips.

Jeno was still warm. His arms were still stronger than they looked. He still liked to tuck his head on your shoulder, even though he had to lean down to do that.

He still had one arm around your lower back and the other over your shoulder blades.

He still remembered you like, longed for, bone crushing hugs that held you together.

Mushed into his chest you allowed the tight knot in your chest to dissipate. Allowed the hot tears to run away, escape your eyelids and spill over.

“It’s been so long, Jeno.” You mumbled into his white shirt. “So long.”

“I’m so sorry. I love you so much. Forgive me, please. For-“ He sucked in a breath, and you could feel his fingers clinging into the rough fabric of your team shirt, into your soft skin below. “I’m so sorry. I was such an idiot, I can’t believe I ever-“

“I accept your apology.” You whispered, and now you could feel Jeno’s chest twitching, moving under your cheek, could feel the quiet sobs as you held each other.

“Wooooo! Jenoooo!!!” Jungwoo shouted, jumping up and down with two comically large Styrofoam hands (both left) pulled over his own.

You chimed into the cheer that roared through the crowd and twisted into a very loud ‘boo!’ as the opposing team pulled a stunt.

Even though you knew nothing about football, and no matter how much Jeno attempted to explain its rules, it wouldn’t stick.

But that was okay.

After the game was won, you still got to run down to the field to hug a disgustingly sweaty Jeno, who’d drop his helmet off to the side and open his arms for you.

You still got to sit on the hood of your new, gently used car, with a box of pizza and a whole 2l bottle of 7up, relishing in the warm summer air that filled the now deserted parking lot behind the stadium.

You still got to watch the sky turn orange, gold and red and pink, and you still got to lean your head on his shoulder, with his head resting on top of yours, damp hair from the shower drying in the still air.

Jungwoo found you and joined you, plopping down next to Jeno, mimicking your position and whining until Jeno placed his other arm around Jungwoo’s shoulders.

And it was good.