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“What part of “the king is married” is so hard to understand!?”
Kíli glanced up from the book he had been reading as Bilbo stormed into the sitting room of the royal wing, the door slamming behind him. His hobbity uncle was clearly upset, probably with the visiting Stiffbeard princess. Fíli had mentioned yesterday that she practically sat in uncle Thorin’s lap during the trade meetings.
He set the book aside, getting to his feet and moving over to Bilbo, who was currently pacing and muttering to himself. His normally tidy honey curls were sticking up at odd angles like he’d been running his fingers through them all morning, and his silver circlet was crooked. Even the heavy fabric of Bilbo’s more dwarven formal attire looked rumpled, and that was hard to manage.
Kíli reached out, grasping both of his uncle’s slim shoulders and putting a stop to his pacing. Wide navy eyes stared up at him in shock for a moment before softening as Kíli smiled down at him. He plucked the circlet out of Bilbo’s hair and fixed his curls before replacing it, “I was just getting ready to raid the kitchen for a snack, care to join?”
Bilbo arched an eyebrow at his attempts to look innocent, “Normally I would tell you to leave the kitchen staff alone, but I could use a pick-me-up.”
“Then we’ll make a detour to the cellars while we’re at it!” Kíli grinned, draping an arm around Bilbo’s shoulders as he led the way out. His uncle chuckled and poked him in the ribs, but went without complaint. The trip down to the kitchen was quiet and the halls empty save one or two housekeeping staff who nodded respectfully before continuing on their way.
The kitchen was a bustle of dwarves all busy with preparations for the feast tonight, but Bombur was more than happy to spare a few moments to put together a tray full of their favorite snacks. Bilbo slipped down to the cellars while they waited and came back with two tankards of ale right as Bombur finished the tray. Kíli hefted their snacks and followed his hobbity uncle out to one of the secret balconies for some fresh air.
As they settled on one of the benches, Bilbo handed over one of the ales before taking a sip of his own and he couldn’t help inquiring, “Don’t you normally prefer wine?”
“Wine is meant to be sipped for the pleasure of its taste, ale is meant to be gulped in an effort to get drunk.” He sounded completely serious, but the slight lift at the corner of his mouth spoke differently.
“Cheers to that!” Kíli grinned, raising his tankard before taking a swig. They chatted lightly for a bit as they snacked on the berries and cheeses and breads that they had been given. The warm summer breeze lifted his hair away from his neck and he barely heard Bilbo’s contented sigh over the rushing in his ears. Only after he thought his uncle was sufficiently fed did he bring up the subject of their little trip to the kitchens, “So, what did she do this time?”
Bilbo rolled his eyes, taking another sip of his drink as he considered his answer, “Where should I begin? Ah, yes. This morning I had to listen to her enumerate all of her thoughts on what a proper breakfast consists of and how Bombur did it all wrong. Then she caught a glimpse of Thorin as he was going through his rounds and went on and on about how dashing he looks today. I honestly had to excuse myself from luncheon because if she got any closer to Thorin’s chair I was going to start a diplomatic incident by setting fire to her beard. Honestly, no matter how many times any one tells her that the he is married and I am his consort, she just doesn’t seem to get it.”
“There’s no reason to be jealous.” Kíli pointedly ignored the glare Bilbo shot him, “Uncle isn’t interested in anyone else but you.”
“I know that. It’s just…” he sighed, “I have a very large family so I’m used to the politics of being around someone you don’t like while making it appear that you do. I’ve been smiling at Lobelia Sackville-Baggins for years now despite how annoyingly frustrating she is, but that dwarrowdam is something else.”
Kíli knew Bilbo could be a right tyrant when he wanted to be, though he rarely used those skills with visiting dignitaries. However, if the princess was truly worse than his uncle’s least favorite relative those claws would have come out already. If words weren’t getting the point across, they would have to resort to something more physical. That’s when it hit him, and he turned to Bilbo as a grin spread wickedly across his face.
Once his uncle caught sight of it, his navy eyes narrowed and he sounded extremely suspicious, “What is that look for? What are you planning?”
“I just figured out how to solve your dwarrowdam problem.”
~-~-+-~-~
The feast was a rousing success; at least it seemed to be if the noise level was anything to go by. A little ways down the table he could see Bilbo clinging desperately to his self-control as the Stiffbeard princess leaned in close to Thorin again. Even from here he could tell both uncles were uncomfortable with her, as did everyone else at the table.
They were in the middle of desert now, so Bilbo only had to hold on a little longer for this to work. It had taken very little to get other people’s cooperation. Now everything was set and Kíli couldn’t help fidgeting in his seat. He winced as Fíli’s elbow jabbed hard into his ribs and his brother shot him a warning look.
Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Balin’s signal that they could go through with the plan. Kíli nudged Fíli’s knee, who passed it down the line until it reached Bilbo. The hobbit visibly relaxed, shooting a nod of thanks to Balin and he and Fíli. Even when angry, Kíli noticed Bilbo was still perfectly polite, waiting for a nice lull in conversation before standing.
They all watched as Bilbo slid one hand into Thorin’s hair, sliding the heavy crown back off his head. Thorin tilted his head back and Bilbo leaned down and pressed a sultry kiss to his lips. Even from here they could see the possessive nature of their hobbity uncle’s claim.
Kíli exchanged a look with Fíli before burying his face in his hands and moaning just loud enough for the Stiffbeard delegation to hear, “Oh for Mahal’s sake!”
“Could you please take your sex life elsewhere, uncles?” Fíli groaned, slouching in his seat beside him.
“Like to your own rooms this time!”
“Not in the sitting room again.”
“Or the hallway.”
“One of the perks of being king,” Thorin shot back as they broke apart with a wet pop, “Is being able to make love to my consort whenever and wherever I like.”
Kíli shot a horrified look to their uncles as they started to leave before turning it to Fíli. They stared at each other until they were sure that Thorin and Bilbo were gone before turning to the Stiffbeard delegation. The princess was still half-leaning on Thorin’s empty seat with her mouth hanging open.
“Thanks for that!” Fíli shot at her, startling her enough to bring her back to reality. She turned her dark gaze on them, confused and angry at the accusation.
“Yeah, now we have to listen to them all night because you couldn’t keep you hands to yourself.” Kíli groaned dramatically.
“What on earth does that mean?” She snapped back, clearly unused to not getting her way.
“It means that Uncle Bilbo gets buggered however he wants as many time as they can go tonight for rescuing Uncle Thorin.” Fíli responded, putting heavy emphasis on both uncles.
The entire delegation was completely silent, while the rest of the council pretended that this was entirely normal behavior for their king and consort. The princess’ face paled even as her cheeks flushed a dark red, and she stuttered, “S-so, they re-really are m-married?”
“I believe Consort Baggins has been trying to tell you that since you arrived, my lady.” Balin replied calmly before turning his gaze to he and his brother, “And, as always, my home is open to you if you’d like to stay the night.”
“Thank you Master Balin!” Kíli stated earnestly.
“We really appreciate it!” Fíli was no less earnest.
The scrape of a chair and the collective gasps of the Stiffbeard delegation had them looking over to see the princess slumped on the floor, unconscious. Kíli shared a triumphant look with his brother as everyone moved to tend to her, “Well that went much better than planned.”
“I can’t wait to tell them that she fainted!” Fíli replied.