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1.
The first time since the war that Shiro doesn't have a birthday, he's happy that he doesn't. He has a body that he wasn't born into, so why should it have a birthday? There are times when he asks himself why he survived, how he deserved this life. Sometimes it feels like it is not his, like he cheated and stole it, which is pretty close to the truth.
Sometimes darkness pulls at him, sharp claws and pain, dragging him towards an abyss that he fears. It's too final. He had a brother, one of many, and Shiro needs to honor his life. He needs to honor the struggle. He can only do that if he stays alive, carrying his brother within him.
So he does.
The 28th is coming to an end. The 1st of March is creeping closer by the second, and so is the darkness.
Except darkness doesn't knock on doors.
Shiro gets up at the sound, sighing deeply. He's not in the mood. He opens the door anyway.
"Hello, Commander Shirogane," Lieutenant Curtis says and holds out a bottle of red. "Sorry about the late hour. I heard it wasn't your birthday, so this is not a birthday present."
Shiro's dark mood evaporates. He has seen time and again how Curtis looks at him. Shiro has looked too. Enough for it to be noted, he realizes.
"At this hour, I'm not Commander, just Shiro. Would you like to come in?" Shiro offers, and steps aside.
2.
The second time after the war that Shiro doesn't have a birthday, he's in space. That in itself is a gift: he wants to fly, discover, explore. He's not alone—that is not how it works, being the commander of a huge robot spaceship.
Coran asks what he wants to do to celebrate.
"Nothing," Shiro says. Then he regrets. "Could we… could we play Monsters and Mana all night?"
They can. Coran has a new game, or maybe it's the old one, saved from the castleship. It doesn't really matter. Shiro gets to be a paladin, and so does the shadow twin he carries within him. To be fair, it's the other way around: Shiro's body is not truly his own. Tonight, they both get to be paladins and Shiro wants that. For himself, for the clone who died. It's what they need.
They gather around the board. Coran is the DM. There's Lance and Allura, Pidge and Hunk, Keith and Curtis.
Curtis…
Curtis holds his hand under the table, the warmth of it a little too distracting. They are not dating, not really. Shiro is not ready. He doesn't know if he will ever be. It's hard to fall in love when you haven't come to terms with who you are and how you came to be.
Shiro dies. Curtis squeezes his hand and smiles when he tells the others that he wants to be a paladin again.
Shiro thinks not having a birthday isn't so bad after all.
3.
The third time Shiro reaches that time of year he is happier. He is at peace with being unborn, that half of his mind and all of his body once were separate entities. It is strangely suitable that his not-birthday falls between two dates: there is a date for the one he was, and for the one he became. One for Shiro, one for…
They celebrate the days without really celebrating. Unless one would call a weekend with one's lover a celebration.
Shiro has a lover now, and he is happy with that too. Patience yields focus, and patience Curtis has in spades. Patience enough for Shiro to fall, slowly but surely. Curtis loves everything about him: missing arm, his messed up mind. His difficulties, coming to terms with life and love in a war-torn world.
Curtis makes him feel whole.
Shiro loves his friends, but Curtis loves him.
Shiro loves Curtis back with all his heart.
"Next year we can celebrate," Curtis says as they sit together on the couch, enjoying takeout and wine, which is all Shiro needs for his… that day. "I'd really like to throw you a party you'll never forget."
Shiro might like that too. "Maybe," he says. "Yeah. That would be awesome."
"Good," Curtis says and pulls out a small box. "Because I'd like the party to be our wedding party too."
Shiro says yes right away. He cries a lot after but only because he's happy. The ring is beautiful.
4.
The fourth time is different.
"I love you," Curtis says. He says it with his entire being, with eyes that shine, a smile that makes the sun fade. He says it in the way he holds Shiro's hand reverently, both their hands adorned with wedding rings.
Shiro basks in that love. Curtis doesn't need him. Curtis is like a sun all by himself, in orbit around Shiro, but he doesn't need him to shine.
Shiro knows he can survive in the darkest of places. He tried, oh God, he tried. Trials are over. He has Curtis by his side. Shiro is in the light now, basking in the warmth of Curtis's sun. They don't need each other, but they both know how good they are together, a planet and its sun, creating their own small solar system.
"I love you too," Shiro says. His soul is soaked in love. There are no more demands, no attempts at bending his will toward this or other. Curtis is a constant. But Shiro doesn't take him for granted. He knows how sudden life can be, going from calm and quiet one second to a storm that uproots everything the next.
Shiro learned the hard way to cherish the moment.
So he laughs when the marriage officiant gives them leave to kiss, laughs into the kiss that Curtis gives him, kissing him back, cheered on by their friends and family.
"Happy birthday," Curtis says softly when they break apart.
"I am," Shiro says. "Happy."