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Tokiya watches Masato smile and wave, and it’s like something in his brain clicks into place. He would be lying if he said he’d never thought of getting married, but now it’s like that thought has seamlessly started to integrate into the rest of them. His mouth is dry . . . and he wants to marry Otoya. He takes a sip of his champagne . . . and he wants to marry Otoya.
He turns and sees the redhead talking to Natsuki, and he wants to marry Otoya.
His boyfriend is dressed to the nines in the same tuxedo he is except with a blue cummerbund and a cornflower tucked into the lapel of his jacket. He looks incredible in it, and it certainly hasn’t impeded his ability to move around, if the motion in the jacket tails is any indication. They keep fluttering around in the wind as he bounces around enthusiastically. His smile is the same wide one he’s had all day, the one that would look creepy if it didn’t exude the warmth and happiness that it does.
“Oi, Icchi.”
Ren’s voice snaps him out of it, but the thought feels like it’s just been shelved for later rather than pushed to the back of his mind somehow. “Yeah?” He hopes his voice is steady; Ren is excellent at catching even the smallest quaver.
One blonde brow is arched in a questioning glance, but Ren’s eyes keep flickering back to his new husband, so he’s at least a little distracted. Tokiya can’t blame him; he’s never seen Masato quite this happy before. Performing as STARISH makes them all happy, but there’s something different about the way Masato is carrying himself right now. There is none of the normal restraint; his smile almost matches Otoya’s. When he glances towards Ren, it grows even more.
“You doing okay?”
“I’m fine.” Tokiya can’t stop himself from looking back at Otoya again—just a quick peek, he tells himself. “Are you?”
“Better than fine,” Ren replies smoothly. He takes a sip of his champagne. His smile is small and cautious, but it’s undoubtedly more than the smirk he usually wears.
“How long are you going to let Masato talk to his family?”
“Not much longer.” Ren has never had much patience, and Masato had asked for just a couple of minutes alone with his father. The fact that it’s been almost fifteen minutes at this point shows the kind of love Ren has towards his new groom, but even love has some limitations. “You thinking about Ikki?”
“It would be hard not to,” Tokiya admits. It’s easier to be honest with Ren than it is with himself. Ren cares deeply about both of them, and the tiny approving chuckle he gets feels a bit like an older brother’s approval.
“I think you should. He’d like it.”
Tokiya can imagine the look on Otoya’s face as they were wedded. If two of the most emotionally restrained people he knows are this deliriously happy, then his boyfriend, who manages to show his happiness in an almost palpable way, would be a vision. “We’re not like you and Masato,” he tries to argue, but Ren shakes his head.
“Keep it secret, don’t; it doesn’t matter. If you want to go public with it, we’ll roll with it. Otherwise, nothing has to change except for a ring.” Ren waggles his newly adorned finger proudly. “Besides, it’s not like we’re going to keep at this forever.”
STARISH has an expiration date that’s coming up, Tokiya knows in the back of his mind. They’re all getting older, and the idol lifestyle is grueling. Days of dance practices now leave them sore, they’re not as flexible as they used to be, and it’s starting to feel like they’re putting their futures on hold for their careers. Marriage, children, even a sustainable career—they all feel like a far-off dream at this point. But Ren has always had a way of getting what he wants even when it seems impossible, and Masato only makes him want more. They make a good team, with Masato’s practicality and Ren’s ambition.
And that’s why they have matching rings on their fingers right now after a secret but ridiculously lavish ceremony. Their marriage isn’t going to stay secret for long, not with how they keep looking at each other, but STARISH will cross that bridge when they get to it. For now, they can celebrate. For now, Tokiya can imagine what it might be like to be in this same situation with his own boyfriend.
“I’ll think about it,” he promises, taking another sip of his champagne. Otoya has moved back into his line of sight, this time goofing off with Reiji. The two twirl around the ballroom like they’re drunk on something other than the atmosphere, pretending to dance and giggling the entire time. Tokiya can already see Ranmaru going to intercept them. He’s good for Reiji, Tokiya thinks. He’s grounded and calm, but not so stoic that he’s completely unaffected by Reiji’s charm. Reiji likes to be given affection, but he likes to work for it too, and Ranmaru definitely makes him work for it.
“If you’ll excuse me,” Ren suddenly says, and Tokiya realizes he’s been so absorbed in watching Otoya that he hadn’t noticed Masato moving away from his father, respectfully bowing before approaching them. He’s not even halfway there before Ren sweeps him up, and the kiss he gives him is like they’ve been separated for weeks, not twenty minutes. It’s hardly appropriate for the public, but then again, this is their wedding, so Tokiya supposes he can look the other way, just for today.
It suddenly occurs to him that there’s nothing stopping him, so he walks across the dance floor to where Otoya is. Reiji’s arm is wound around the redhead’s neck, and he purposely turns them towards Tokiya as he approaches rather than the lecturing Ranmaru. “Tokki!”
Otoya’s smile grows so wide that his eyes crinkle at the edges. God, he wants to marry this man.
“You really should learn to act your age, Kotobuki,” he scolds, albeit halfheartedly. Reiji wouldn’t be Reiji without his antics, not that Tokiya will ever tell him that.
“Good luck with that,” Ranmaru grumbles under his breath.
“Let’s get some more champagne!” Otoya says suddenly, stepping out of Reiji’s hold and jerking his head towards the bar.
They all know an excuse when they hear one, so Tokiya is not surprised when they walk the opposite direction instead. They thread through the crowd to head out into the veranda, which is deserted with how cold it is outside. It’s chilly, even with their full tuxedos, but it’s a moment of quiet among the action. Tokiya lets out the breath he wasn’t aware he was holding.
“It’s nice to see everyone so happy,” Otoya says, looking outside at the snow. By everyone, Tokiya knows he means STARISH and Quartet Night.
“Yeah. It’s a break from the craziness.”
“I’m . . . really glad Ren and Masato did this. They deserve some happiness.”
We deserve some happiness, Tokiya wants to say, but the words get stuck in his throat. He’s scared to say them, because he’s scared to be turned down. Any normal couple is restrained just by their feelings for one another, but they have their careers to think about, and it’s not fair to ask Otoya to possibly end his for them. Tokiya is ready—he came to terms with his feelings about a year ago when he contemplated the idea of actually spending a holiday season doing normal, domestic things rather than being stuck in the hectic performance schedule they’ve had every year since they graduated Saotome Academy—but Otoya may not be, and Tokiya doesn’t want to add pressure to that decision. He should retire when he is ready.
“They do,” he says instead.
“Masa says he wants to talk about ending it.”
This is no surprise to Tokiya, since Masato had spoken to him first regarding STARISH’s possible dissolution, but hearing Otoya say it makes it feel more real. “They’re thinking about the rest of their lives.”
Otoya nods. “I think . . . I think it’s time.”
Otoya’s voice is quiet, almost a whisper, but with the deafening silence of the snow, he might as well have shouted it. “It doesn’t have to be the end. There’s solo work still, even without STARISH.”
“Tokiya?” Otoya looks at him then, and it’s like he’s pinned Tokiya with his gaze. It’s completely unguarded, and he looks resolute even with the faint hint of misery in his features. “I think I want to resign from being an idol.”
This could be the champagne talking, Tokiya reminds himself as he scrambles to formulate a response. If there was going to be anyone hanging on at the end, he had imagined it to be the redhead in front of him, so saying that he’s ready to be done is more of a shock than Tokiya was expecting. “You don’t have to make this decision now,” he says.
Otoya shakes his head. “I’ve felt it for a while now. I still love performing, but I’m tired. And the audience doesn’t deserve that. I want to recharge. And . . . I want to be selfish.”
There’s the hint of that bratty smile on his face as he says that he wants to be selfish, and Tokiya moves to fold him into his arms. It’s not easy to come to the decision to retire. Tokiya personally struggled with it for weeks, trying to convince himself it wasn’t just some momentary fatigue. “How selfish?” he asks as Otoya nuzzles his face into his neck.
“I want to buy a house out in the middle of nowhere, and get a dog, and just . . . live. I don’t want to think about schedules and song lyrics and recording booths. I want some freedom.”
“I want to marry you.” The words come out before he can stop them, because as Otoya has spoken, Tokiya can see the scene in front of him: late mornings spent lazily in bed because they don’t have anywhere to go and they don’t have to cram as much as possible into their sparse free time, late nights spent cuddled up on the couch with a movie that neither them nor their friends were in, and jam sessions where they don’t feel the need to rush out a new song because it has to go to processing in the next few days. He wants that too, and more. He wants to be able to hold Otoya’s hand when they go into town and he wants to be able to kiss him without having to look around to make sure there is absolutely no one in the vicinity, and he wants to mark him up and be marked in return, to need to wear a scarf and only worry about mild embarrassment.
Otoya stiffens and pulls back to look Tokiya in the eye. He looks surprised, and in a way, Tokiya is surprised too. “Is that a proposal?” he whispers after a moment.
“Do you want it to be?” It feels like there’s no oxygen in the air, with how heavy it’s become.
Otoya smiles impishly. “I feel like you can do a little better than that, Tokiya.”
That’s about as much of an affirmation as Tokiya will ever get. He doesn’t have a ring, nor does he have anything in his pockets, but he plucks the orange zinnia from his boutonniere and gets down on one knee. It’s a bit of a fitting flower, he thinks, remembering back to trying to pick out a flower for Ren’s groomsmen with the groom in question. Ren was remarkably well-versed on flower meanings, and the zinnia felt fitting. “Lasting affection enduring many trials and tribulations,” he had said, and it had felt a little bit like a symbol of all of them at the time. But there is no one he can think of that has survived more than he and Otoya.
He wants to say platitudes to the man he loves, in the hopes of conveying just how much Otoya means to him now, and how much he’s meant to him in the past. He is something essential in Tokiya’s life now, just as much as air and water. When everyone else in his life has given up, Otoya has never. He has shaped Tokiya into a new, better person, and had they never met, Tokiya would have been all the worse off. But none of those words come to his mouth. Instead, he can just croak out, “I love you. Will you marry me?” and Otoya’s eyes widen like he didn’t actually think Tokiya would ask.
There is a beat where Tokiya wonders if he read that situation wrong somehow, but then Otoya nods, his eyes filling up with tears as he launches himself at Tokiya, and the two end up sprawled on the floor because Tokiya feels boneless with relief and happiness. “I love you!” Otoya says into his ear.
Tokiya kisses him because there isn’t much else he can do with his heart feeling this full. It feels like it might burst out of his chest. He can feel tears on his cheeks, and he’s not entirely sure if they’re his or Otoya’s, but he couldn’t care less. This is the end of an era, the end of STARISH but the beginning of them, and Tokiya can’t wait to see how this new era compares to the last. It’ll be even better though, he thinks as he kisses Otoya again and again.