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Sleepless nights were supposed to be a thing of the past. They belonged to the mech that could not forgive himself, that loathed himself just as much as he loathed everyone else. They belonged with the self-doubt, the selfishness and hypocrisy by which he was known best. He did not understand why it had returned when his concern was of a totally different nature, but he couldn't deny he was frightened of it.
He vented in distress, shutting his red optics off for a moment, as if trying to regain his mental focus. His berth, usually comfortable and warm, felt as stale as the ground, and just as sore. Nothing felt right and it was not good. It was not safe.
Maybe the dreaming was at an end.
The mere thought felt like a punch to the spark and, for a second, he remained stiff, paralyzed with fear at the possibility of losing everything. He felt the urge to run away, hide in the depths of the planet where he could never be found and stripped even further of what he had. His digits were twitching restlessly, his wings immobilized by his own weight, when a soothing servo rested on his chassis, cutting his line of thought.
"Yes?" Starscream asked, his voice slightly trembling. He had not meant to wake her up.
Far from being angry, as anyone being woken up in the middle of the night would be, Windblade was staring at him with compassion, a gentle though tired smile formed on her lips.
"I can hear the cogs of your processor whirring, Starscream," she simply said, sliding herself closer to him, her servo now gently resting on his cockpit.
Starscream felt his systems relaxing, his wires loosening at her sight and contact. His twitchy digits went quickly to hold her closer, knowing the contact would be enough to soothe his fears. Soon enough, one of his arms was wrapped around her, the other holding her servo, digits intertwined.
He vented in relief this time. As long as she was around, there was no way he would attempt to escape... or get too far if he did either way.
"I was just thinking," he commented, optics closed in a genuine attempt to get some rest. There was no shame in admitting how he felt, and that was certainly not what prevented him from talking.
Ever since they had started the adoption process, Windblade had shown a disposition and calmness worthy of praise. In a way, Starscream shouldn't have been surprised considering Windblade's nature, but he couldn't help but think that maybe he was too impaired to be qualified to be a caretaker. Despite his improvement in his character and disposition, thinking and acting, Starscream wasn't sure he was ready to face the responsibility of educating someone too naive to see through his possible ulterior motives, not to mention he feared his own fear would prevent him from ever becoming close with newsparks, making him a terrible caretaker and solely responsible for their lack of empathy and ability to blend into society while presenting the disdain he had felt through most of his life due to his own loneliness.
Those were too many concerns for one mech.
"Nervous?" Windblade asked, optics closed but processor still awake and present. She was no mind reader but that didn't make her oblivious to Starscream's concern and anxiety as the due date came closer.
Starscream took his time to answer, knowing he would not fool her if he lied. He supposed it was expected of him to be insecure, but he didn't want to burden her with all the failed scenarios his processor had had the "courtesy" of playing for him.
"Yes," he said at last, his optics opening and staring fixedly at the roof. Out of the safety of their place, right above their helms, Starscream knew there was a starry sky covering their side of the planet, its deep colors lulling everyone to sleep.
"What if..." he tried, knowing it was now or never to talk about this. "What if they don't like me?"
Windblade slowly and slightly rose from next to him, her blue optics meeting his concerned face. It was incredible to notice the traces of exhaustion in a frame that was not supposed to register the flow of time. Her servo went from his cockpit to his face, slowly tracing along his features.
Her caress was more than welcome, easing his troubled mind, dissipating his grim thoughts. He held her servo, silently begging her to never let go. His optics remained fixed on her as she moved closer…
He instinctively held her by the waist the moment their lips met. The fear and insecurity were still there, but they were powerless against her love, that magical power that had slowly yet steadily brought to the surface the best of him. The proximity was enough to let him feel the pulse of her spark, every wave trying to ease his own. When their lips parted, she was still smiling.
“They will adore you, Starscream” she whispered, placing a last kiss on his lips before returning to his side, her helm resting close to his chassis.
“Like I adore you…”
Her words trailed off but her affection persisted. With one arm around his waist, Windblade snuggled herself back into a peaceful recharge, making sure he would feel her support no matter what. The gesture was beyond appreciated, and a part of him was ready at last to recharge even if for a bit, but even so, he dreaded the following morning.
“You say you adore me…” Starscream thought, optics once again fixed on the ceiling. He believed her, why else would she have stayed with him for so long? Why else she would have agreed to become his conjunx, of all things? It wasn’t like everyone kept rubbing his crimes back in his face. But everything was coming back to him, in succession, like flashbacks. All the cruelty and deviousness he was capable of, those were the things that had kept him alive for so long, things he wouldn’t use or do unless he felt it was absolutely necessary to. Wouldn’t he teach those things to them too if it meant keeping them safe?
He vented. How easily he had returned to square one.
“You won’t let me,” he murmured as he slightly turned to look at Windblade’s resting expression. Of course, she would not. She would be there and make sure they became model citizens, and he…
What would he do? What goodness could he impart to new generations? Enough time had gone by to allow him to put behind who he used to be, but had it been enough to become something new? Something worth sharing?
He tried not to grunt, disdainful of his own insecurity. How did others do it? Why was being morally incorruptible so easy for them? Not only was the effort greater than his determination, but it was also so very exhausting…
He closed his optics, finally giving up the fight. There was no answer, no gesture that would dissipate his ever-growing doubt, neither was there any back up plan against it. It was one of those things he would have to face and be willing to accept no matter the outcome. The dread and tiredness were distantly familiar, back to a time when losing everything for the sake of gaining mental clarity was the best option. His only consolation was that this time he would have more people around him to either help him out, or contain him.
It was the most he could hope for and, with that, he finally drifted into recharge.
~o~
Morning arrived too soon, as expected. The sun shone happily over the city, a clean sky greeting the soon-to-be caretakers. Starscream had barely registered his actions as he woke up and drank some energon while having a minor chat with Windblade, who was also more quiet than usual. Today was the day, and even though he imagined Windblade had nothing to worry about, nobody was really surprised to see them both flying a bit uncoordinated.
“Please, wait here for a while, the doctor will come immediately,” was the gentle order from one of the nurses at the daycare that had been installed.
It was a greater place that the name suggested. A center to have all the newsparks gathered as they developed. Separated by stations, the newsparks were moved every few days as they progressed. Windblade and Starscream’s was finally in its final stage, about to evolve from the orb they had morphed into first, into the smaller frame known as a protoform.
“Please, don’t pace around,” Windblade begged in almost a whisper, her servo holding his arm no soon he had taken a step. “You are making me more nervous.”
“What are you nervous about?” Starscream genuinely asked. He had not meant anything ill with it, but Windblade’s expression quickly faltered and he immediately regretted his words. However, before he could apologize for it, Windblade had returned to smile. Although he could tell it was not genuine…
She vented as she took a seat in a bench, her wings raised and extended despite her helm almost hanging.
"I'm just... worried," she tried, her servos on her knees. "In Caminus we give... Great importance to new life. We... try to make sure the sparks are never left unattended, they must not... feel lonely."
Starscream listened in utmost silence, not sure what to make of her confession. It was not something far-fetched, considering their idolization of the Primes and Primus himself... But Windblade had never opened up about it, she had never mentioned her life in Caminus. How it was, how she had developed there, and whether she missed it or not.
"But I'm..." she proceeded, her voice quivering, raising it as it was harder to speak. "I'm the greatest authority in Cybertron, how am I--?"
She cut herself off before her emotions took the best of her and, instead of proceeding, she vented in exhaustion.
"I just don't want them to feel lonely," she said after a pause, her voice becoming a whisper. "It's... It's not a nice feeling."
Starscream gave her only a few more seconds to compose herself before taking a seat next to her and holding her servo. He had some questions for her about her life, about how Camiens lived and what was considered life there. Time had shown him Windblade was more benevolent and selfless than some others on her colony, but she was no biased fool. Maybe she had faced not having her close ones' support in her youth.
Now, to that he could relate.
"They won't be alone," he promised, whispering into her audio. "I'll be there and make sure they are safe."
"I thought you were scared?" she asked, raising her helm so she could meet those glimmering optics of his.
"I am," he admitted, and literally a stranger could spot that he was not the caring and loving type a newspark necessarily needed. "But I have you."
He slipped the comment so casually, an involuntary smile forming on his lips. Windblade's wings perked up, her blue optics sparkling with happiness.
"I'm scared because, well..." he chuckled a bit, "I am not the most loving or lovable person."
"But," he went on, "I won't leave them on their own. I won't let them..." but he couldn't continue, as the memory of his own misfortune returned to him. He wouldn't let them feel rejected, at least not by him. He would make sure they had a safe haven in their home, no matter what they could do or go through. He would make sure no one ever made them feel worthless or that they didn't belong there. He would make sure--
"I'll try my best..." Windblade spoke, Starscream's attention returning to the present, to find Windblade's helm resting in the crook of his neck. "... To be there for them, too."
The smile was feeble but it was more genuine. Starscream wrapped his arms around her, his worries aside. A tiny part of him wanted to scream that if even Windblade was scared then he didn't stand a chance, but the rest of him was resolved not to let the same thing happen again. He was going to build something, something greater than himself, and the whole of Cybertron would see that not everything he did was tainted.
"I'll..." he began, stroking the joints between her wings. "I'll make sure they are never alone... And you make sure they turn out to be better citizens than me."
He was only slightly joking. He wanted them to be prepared for survival, but not at the expense of a moral code that could keep them safe of the strain he went under.
Windblade slightly chuckled, but raised her helm to meet his optics one more time, that hopeful confidence back on her gaze.
"Deal," she said, a soft smile on her lips before they met his.
Their minds drifted off from the waiting room they were in, finding comfort in each other's support and caresses. Windblade's servos moved to the back of his neck, slowly pulling him closer. Starscream's servos were still on her back, his digits playfully stroking between her wings.
In silence, they broke off their kiss and continued to wait, Starscream's helm resting on top of hers. Windblade vented, relieved, closing her optics as she allowed time to fly. For when the nurse arrived, both were calm enough to face what was coming.
... Or at least they thought they were.
"The doctor is waiting," informed the nurse, the door sliding completely open for them to walk through the hallway for what should be the last time. Starscream felt a minor tingle on his back, fear prickling his wings.
"Ready?" asked Windblade, holding his servo.
"No," confessed Starscream, but he was nonetheless smiling. "Let's go."
~o~
The daycare. The word itself was more of human origin than Cybertronian. The collapse of societal values for more than four million years had erased the exact word from their vocabulary. However, it had not been enough to extinguish the necessity to look after new life, hence it's present implementation.
The facility they were in had been built recently. With enough experts in newsparks, it had been determined they would be needing a safe place to keep them nurtured before their final harvest-phase. The sparks could not be moved from the Cybertronian soil until they had reached a certain glow, the final point of maturity, before being transported to a "crib", where they would be left to dry and morph into the first stage of frame development.
It was right after the sparks had been transported inside, into their cribs, that Windblade and Starscream had started visiting their soon-to-be responsibility.
Of course, back then, it had been just one...
~o~
"THREE!?" yelled Starscream at the doctor's office. Both he and Windblade had been called with regards to their newspark to be adopted. Starscream had arrived first with his spark almost stuck on his vocals, scared something bad had happened. Instead, he was being notified the spark had split into three, making him caretaker of three new Cybertronians, instead of one.
Starscream had, in the impulse (and shock) of the moment, crossed the table unceremoniously, knocking over a few unimportant objects, and proceeded to grab the doctor by the shoulders, shaking him furiously.
"DOES IT LOOK TO YOU LIKE I AM FIT TO TAKE CARE OF ONE SPARK LET ALONE THREE!?"
"Sir, I can assure you--" tried the doctor, but between the shakes and the screeching jet, there was not much anyone arriving to the office would have been able to make out.
Which was Windblade's case when she arrived a few seconds later.
"STARSCREAM, NO!" was her first comment before proceeding to take the once Ruler of Cybertron by the arm and try to pull him back.
With some effort, more yelling, and the threat of calling security, Starscream returned to his seat, Windblade's servo holding his at all time, mostly in order to prevent another attack on his part. The doctor, on the other hand, took a few seconds to put his desk back in order before addressing the couple. He did not look upset nor offended, if anything, something told Windblade this was not the first bot to attack him.
... Or the first time Starscream reacted like that, sometimes it was hard to tell.
"I'm glad you could join us, First Delegate," started the doctor, measuring his words carefully. "As I was telling your conjunx a few moments ago," gesturing towards Starscream though not looking at him, "the spark you chose as a couple has split into three overnight."
Windblade instinctively held Starscream's servo more tightly.
"Is that good or bad?" she asked, concerned.
"It means we'll have three sparklings instead of one," Starscream almost growled, his optics still set on the doctor.
"I know that," Windblade continued, nonetheless worried. "What I'm referring to, are the newsparks alright?"
While split-sparks were possible, it was uncommon and could be complicated depending on the stage of splitting. A malformation could force them to split earlier or later than what could be salvaged, resulting in the death of one or both sparks. Three was an even rarer event, and therefore could be a much more dangerous one.
Starscream, in his ignorance, was unaware of this. However, that was no impediment to suddenly fear for the safety of his now babies.
"I can assure you," replied the doctor, for once displaying a gentle smile, "that the procedure was carried out entirely by them and successfully."
Windblade vented in relief, her back hitting the support of the chair.
"Would you like to see them?"
The question didn't need an answer, as Windblade's smile said everything. She looked at Starscream, hope and happiness shining in her optics. She squeezed his servo to induce confidence, a gesture that he returned thankful.
"Yes, please."
And the doctor couldn't believe Starscream had even been polite about it.
~o~
After that, it had been constant visiting. Every day, at different hours, sometimes alone, sometimes together; each feeling in their spark the need to make up for the time "lost". They had thought it was only one, they didn't want their sparklings to think they only wanted or loved one of them, even though the fact of raising three little ones instead of one brought a whole new wave of insecurity and fear to Starscream.
They walked through the hallway, the buzzing sound of the lights distracting Starscream from the doctor’s talk. They had walked the same place for so long, he felt like he knew all he needed to know about the facility. The tainted glass so the hallway light wouldn’t bother their sleep, the sound-proof panels so they wouldn’t hear the walk of the night ward, or the chit chat of the nurses and doctors walking by; the circular skylight on the roof so they would grow up accustomed to a healthy recharge cycle. Even the cribs, he had wanted to know everything about them, they were certainly a modern invention, not even Windblade had seen them before.
They were oval-shaped semi-spheres, hollow inside except for the cushioned material that held the sparks. It was not supposed to be touched without the proper equipment; the bare sparks, however, rested freely and comfortably, the strange substance taking away the extra energy, morphing the sparks into the metal orbs that would later develop into the adorable sparklings that many were longing to see. The crib was connected to the ground by a pole, from which internal cables fed the crib’s proper functioning.
Well, their crib and the many, many others that rested safely in the dome.
The doors slid open and they entered into the big room, the whispers of other concerned caretakers visiting their future responsibilities ceasing for a moment. Starscream merely nodded in their direction, having never been the kind of caretaker that took interesting in knowing about others’ expertise, anxieties and whatever else they could want to talk with him about. There was a huge breach that separated him from the rest, starting from his criminal past to his natural disdain for most bots. Windblade, on the other hand, made a small bow while the doctor flashed a smile and a small wave of his servo before directing them to where their newsparks were resting.
“I can assure you that all three are in excellent condition,” announced the medic as they reached the crib, Windblade and Starscream quickly peering into it.
The glow had completely faded from their now metallic frames, almost completely shielded except for a small surface, from which there was still light coming out, though not excessively anymore.
They were ready.
“Do you have a crib installed at your place?” the doctor asked, a few steps away from the awing caretakers.
No one answered immediately, their focus set on the small ones. Despite their new form, both Windblade and Starscream could feel the life emanating from them, their tiny spark pulses calling them closer. Supposedly, by this stage they were allowed to take them, but now to disrupt the peace of such fragile creatures…
“Yes,” Windblade finally answered, her voice slightly trembling, “we requested one and have it installed already.”
Starscream remained silent, the energon running through his fuel lines flowing cold. This was it, and there was no turning back. He was fearful of extending his servo towards the small ones, but at the same time anxious for… the total opposite. It wasn’t until that very moment that Starscream became aware of much he wanted them to be close to him, to develop into mechs or femmes under his care. They were his, his and Windblade’s, and no one would ever hurt them the same way they had hurt him.
“I promise,” he thought, his sight settled on the three orbs.
The doctor mumbled something else, but Starscream paid no attention. He only realized he would be waiting for them outside when he heard his steps fading out of the room. Once again, it was just him and Windblade to contemplate their children.
In all his years, he had never thought he would be using human vocabulary to refer to a part of his life, and yet here he was, about to have a family.
“Who carries them back?” Starscream asked, slightly uncertain.
“You have more room in your subspace,” Windblade replied, not yet ready to even touch the little ones.
Starscream nodded and both resumed a peaceful silence, each one pondering on the changes to come and their capacities to face it without failing. Windblade slowly moved closer to him, her digits intertwining with his, and he knew it was time to move.
“Windblade,” he spoke, immobile still. He felt his voice coming out raspy, slightly trembling, but not with fear this time.
“Do you… trust me?”
It was a bit late to be asking that, but he felt the need to do so anyway. They had been through enough, both apart and together, but it was only then, when they were meant to take care of someone else, that he really had to know how far Windblade’s trust went, and with what confidence she believed he would not leave her alone, nor hurt her.
Windblade held his servo tightly for only a second, before placing a kiss on his cheek.
“Yes,” she simply said, with the gentlest of smile on her lips.
There had never been a reason for him to doubt it, and yet the confirmation was enough to make him smile. Sometimes, he wondered which bot’s luck had he stolen to end up with someone patient, kind and stubborn enough to want to stay with him in spite of everything wrong with him. But that was a question for some other time.
He held her by the waist, pulling her close for a soft kiss to the lips.
“Let’s get our babies home,” he whispered, the smile never erasing.
~o~
The doctor gave them some last instructions before signing for the departure of the newsparks. Starscream, with Windblade’s help, had secured all three inside his subspace, the little ones pulsing waves of happiness as they felt the movement of their caretaker as he walked. Starscream, on the other hand, couldn’t help but go twice as slow as they walked back the hallway, too self-conscious of the little ones’ well-being.
“They will be fine,” Windblade reassured him once outside the building, a fresh gush of wind greeting them.
She took his servos into hers, pressing a light kiss to them before looking at him with a wide smile. It was obvious at a time like that, there was no room for fear for her. Only the excitement and joy that their newsparks would be resting under the same roof they were. Starscream shared that excitement too, except…
“A-are you sure I can transform with them inside?" Starscream asked, unsure to jump off the platform knowing he could hurt his children. Their children.
Windblade gently pressed herself closer to him, her spark aligned with his and the three little ones whose pulse let them know how wide awake they were.
"I think they are eager to see what their caretaker is capable of," Windblade whispered softly.
Starscream's mind quickly snapped, suddenly some sense coming to him at last. They were fit for this, they were built this way, of course his little ones would be alright, he was the one flying! He could not vouch for his social skills, but flying was not going to be another weak spot.
He pressed a firm kiss on Windblade's lips, one that let her feel his confidence returning, even if for a brief moment. She smiled as she broke the moment, ready to go home.
"After you, my dear" she mildly teased him.
Starscream did not wait another second and jumped into the void only to come out transformed into the majestic jet he was. With her spark full of joy, Windblade followed suit, twirling and planning until finally reaching his side in mid-air.
They shared a flight like few others, enjoying the view, surrounding some of the tallest buildings for the sake of leaving a trail to dissipate as they went. Starscream could feel the waves of happiness coming from his children as he flew. They enjoyed the movement, the ups and downs, the graceful dodging, the sound of the wind-currents being broken by his wings. They enjoyed the sense of freedom as they went.
Starscream couldn't be happier for that. He would have never imagined there would be a day new life would be walking in Cybertron, and that they'd be freer than what he had been at their age. His optics focused once more on the femme that had helped to make it possible, who was now waiting for him at the entrance of their home.
Guess some bots are true to their word, after all.
Starscream transformed in mid-air, landing gracefully in his bipedal form. Smiling, he let Windblade lead him into their apartment and towards the room for their children, her servo tightly holding his.
~o~
Night arrived with a soothing mantle, for the first time in a long while lulling the troubled seeker into sleep. The emotional rollercoaster ride was finally over, the peace and calmness of being home finally reaching his spark. He should probably move from his current spot, but ever since they had placed the newsparks in their crib, they had been either talking, singing or even just observing them non-stop. The doctor had indicated it was best to keep them only in natural light, so the room had slowly filled with the night's darkness except for the moonlight coming through the window.
"Are you tired?" Asked Windblade, taking a seat on the ground, next to Starscream.
"No," he lied, his small smile giving him away.
Deciding not to question him, Windblade let her helm rest close to his shoulder, her optics shutting down momentarily. Starscream slid his arm around her, gently resting on her waist.
The room was barely suitable for two Cybertronians when it came to size, but it was vast enough for the orbs resting at the center of the room, light emanating from them. Windblade and Starscream had painted the walls with the different colors of the sky, glowing constellations plastered on the roof, so they never faced full darkness. Across the entire mural, like a ribbon spread across the universe, Windblade had written a Camien blessing.
He hadn't dared to oppose her, despite his lack of faith. The day he had caught her painting it, however, she had hummed melodies non-stop, her wings fluttering with joy. He never asked what it said exactly, but he knew the ribbon was a symbol, so no matter where they went, they'd be united by something.
Up until that moment, Starscream had never thought he would feel united to something other than misery, and now here he was... Wishing good night to his little ones, having the support and company of someone he had never thought would look his way. Not romantically at least.
"Starscream?" Windblade mumbled, bringing his processor back to the present at the feeling of his frame twitching slightly as he tried to make himself comfortable.
"Yes, love?" he whispered, noticing the exhaustion in her frame, her wings lowered in submission.
"Can we rest here tonight?"
His smile widened, but he did not reply; instead, he placed a kiss on her forehead, and let her softly and slowly fall into recharge.
He closed his optics for a brief moment, letting everything sink in. He was having three sparklings instead of one, he had Windblade's support and the help of professionals (just in case things became more complicated than expected). He even counted friends... Or just the one, and other acquaintances if needed. Best of all, the sparklings were surrounded by love and a society that would not judge them for what they were (not like he would allow it, if that became the case).
"I will not let them ruin your chances," Starscream thought, traces of bitterness engulfing his features. "You will be happy."
Carefully so not to disrupt Windblade, who was already asleep, Starscream moved from his position and knelt close to the newsparks, his helm leveled with the crib.
"I won't let anyone hurt you," Starscream whispered to his children, his wires tensing at the memory of his worst nightmare. "I promise we'll try to stay at peace..."
A small laugh escaped him the moment the words were out of his mouth. Not a promise he would have made in the past... Or ever, really. And yet, he meant every word. He had always been self-centered, selfish even, but the feeling that was possessing him now was stronger, wilder, it burned deeper than anything he had wished for in the past. These were his children, his family! Beware of anyone who dared to hurt it.
He relaxed his tensed joints, his wings dropping as he vented his worries away. Tonight, they were safe, no ill was going to befall them, and that was enough for the tired seeker.
"Good night, my little ones..." He whispered, feeling their small pulses faintly acknowledging his promise, but nonetheless loving his presence.
Trying to be quiet, Starscream returned to his spot next to Windblade, his arms back to hug her closer. He closed his optics and was ready to fall into recharge when he felt her arms closing around his waist, her fans whirring gently.
"I love you," she said softly, her helm resting close to his chassis.
At this point of his life, already conjunx endurae and with three sparklings on the way, Starscream no longer had doubts of it.
"I know," he replied, a peaceful smile forming on his lips.
"I love you too."