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“i’m in the corner, watching you kiss her”
kei curses. are songs like that even allowed in clubs, of all places? isn’t the whole point of clubs having a misplaced sense of fun in dancing and drinking and making bad life decisions?
but the lyrics are appropriate in his situation, aren’t they? he’s trying to merge himself in the shadows, extremely desperate to just disappear.
he should leave. he should fake sickness and go back to his apartment and cry til there are no tears left. god knows how close he already is to breaking apart, right there and then.
“and i’m giving it my all”
but this is for him. he’s doing this for him.
after all, doesn’t tadashi deserve his best friend by his side when he’s just proposed the love of his life?
pfft. best friend, kei repeats mockingly.
he doesn’t deserve being called tadashi’s best friend, not when he’s been in love with him for the last four eyes.
but tadashi needs him right now and who has kei ever been to deny him?
why did he even come here? he knew what was gonna happen ever since tadashi burst into through his front door and proudly shoved the ring in kei’s face.
“but i’m not the guy you’re taking home”
(a month ago)
tadashi says he had got the ring specially made to have a sunflower with a diamond in the middle.
“sunflowers remind me of love and i love hitoka so i thought that—“ he rambles on, hands nervously running through his hair.
“do you think she’ll like it?”
“she’ll love it.” he replies, not a word of it false.
he feels almost pathetic trying to figure out how that ring would look at his finger. would it fit? would it be–
no.
no, he can’t think all of this. his feelings don’t matter.
tadashi matters.
you’re doing this for tadashi, he thinks.
(three years ago)
“yamaguchi, you’re stepping on my toes.”
“sorry, tsukki!”
yamaguchi steps on his toes again. tsukkishima sighs.
“......it’s left foot first. one, two, three, here.” he says, and steps in. he hesitates then puts his hand on his waist.
“what do i do with, uh, these?” yamaguchi waves his hands.
“round my neck.” he mumbles out, face red. this was a terrible idea, oh god, what had he even been thinking? if instant regret had a face, tsukkishima would be their brand sponsor.
yamaguchi doesn’t complain thankfully. he follows tsukki’s lead and manages to only step on his toes twice.
if yamaguchi notices then he doesn’t say anything about tsukkishima lingering just a moment too long after the song ends.
“i keep dancing on my own”
“kei?”
the voice breaks him out of his stupor, kei reels back when he sees shoyo standing so close, eyes full of concern.
he asks, “what?” it’s scary to see shoyo quiet.
“you’re crying.” he points out as if it’s obvious.
well, it is obvious. kei’s hand moves almost automatically to wipe the tears away.
shoyo doesn’t say anything. he doesn’t look at kei with pity or disgust. instead, he takes his hand and leads him to the washroom.
kei follows him mindlessly.
no, kei, stop. you’re running away. you need to be here for him. for tadashi. tadashi. your best friend.
“so far away, but still so near”
maybe a part of him would have panicked before, snapped at shoyo.
but now, after five years, he wouldn’t admit it but he’s glad that it’s shoyo of all people who sees him.
“you’re in love with him.” shoyo says. he doesn’t sound shocked. he says it like it’s a fact, “oh, kei loves tadashi. no big deal. wanna have pizza?” like most people say, “dinosaurs are cool.”
(well, only kei says that.)
and it is a fact, isn’t it? kei is in love with tadashi.
he’s more surprised that it’s shoyo who knows. kei wouldn’t be surprised if it was suga or kiyoko.
“how did you know?”
“well,” he shrugs, “you look at him like he’s the only thing that’s mattered to you. it’s the same way i look.”
kei looks at him. “....tobio?”
“what?” shoyo snaps his neck towards him so fast kei’s worried that he’s snapped it. “no, no, hell no. he’s just my best friend, an idiot.”
kei snorts.
shoyo chuckles weakly. “that doesn’t sound very true coming from me.”
“the lights come on”
kei gets up from the floor. he looks at his face, reflected back at him in the mirror.
“i’m not okay.” he says.
shoyo meets his mirror eyes. “no shit.”
kei almost smiles. almost. he’s glad. glad that despite everything, shoyo doesn’t treat him like glass, like he’s going to break at any moment.
he washes his face, takes a breathe. this will be fine. he can do this. he just has to walk out and smirk and annoy people and drink til he’s classified too drunk to function and sent home.
“whatever you’re thinking,” shoyo starts, “is not going to work.”
kei turns back. “yes, it will.” he affirms.
if his voice wavers ever so slightly, shoyo doesn’t say anything. he glares right back at kei.
“this isn’t your fault, kei. feelings are just. feelings, you know. you can’t control your emotions. you can’t help who you like or dislike. you’re not the one to blame here,” he says, voice going soft.
“you don’t have to be here. you don’t have to pretend like you’re okay. it’s okay to not be okay. come home with me. you can eat ice cream and drink and talk or you can sit in silence for hours. it’s your choice.“
“the music dies”
“but i’m not leaving you alone.”
kei’s never been one to fight a losing battle, not against an orange gremlin he knows won’t take no for an answer. he nods.
his heart feels heavier with every step he takes. his feet seem to melt into the ground.
he’s pathetic. this is stupid.
kei inhales sharply and walks out the room, shoyo behind him.
he isn’t ready to face tadashi. isn’t ready to look at hitoka’s hands.
a part of him knows they’re perfect for each other. hitoka makes tadashi laugh more, his eyes have just that emotion, that he’s perfectly content with everything. that tadashi is happier than he’s ever been.
kei could never do that.
he doesn’t hate her, no, he could never. he doesn’t say she ‘stole tadashi’ because tadashi was never his.
never his to have, never his to love, never his to keep in his arms and hold him tightly and never let go of.
“but you don’t see me standing here”
oh how kei wishes that was true.
the fates must be playing a bad joke on him. in this context, he might as well call the bad joke his life.
from the middle of the room, tadashi’s eyes meet his, and he smiles, this big grin that stretches along his face and makes his freckles stand out more in the dim light.
kei’s heart doesn’t flip. it is not capable of acrobatics.
tadashi makes his way to them and kei stiffens. he forgets how to breathe, his hands tightening, but then there’s a hand on his back, and shoyo’s right beside him and he mumbles a light ‘i’ve got this’ and kei exhales heavily.
tadashi’s smile fades as he sees how kei looks from close.
like shit, his brain supplies helpfully.
“kei, are you okay? you don’t look so–“
shoyo cuts in, “he’s not well. i thought i’d take him home.”
that’s enough for tadashi to shut up. he looks at kei, chewing his lips, anxious and worried.
no, he’s supposed to be happy today, kei thinks. “tadashi,” he starts, voice shaking, “i’ll be okay.” he attempts to smirk but it comes off as a grimace.
he glances from kei to shoyo before finally nodding. kei almost sighs in relief.
“text me when you reach home.” he calls out, his eyes never straying from the duo until they vanish completely from his sight.
kei’s grateful for the silence in the car as shoyo drives. his mind is surprisingly devoid of thoughts. he had expected to be overthinking everything and panicking but there’s nothing. he’s numb.
it’s only when he’s in his home that he takes one look at shoyo and sinks in his arms and sobs til he has no tears left.
shoyo doesn’t say anything. he strokes his hair and rubs his back until kei falls asleep in his embrace.
kei never imagined that his heart would be as empty as his dreams.