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Logan stares at the wall. He stormed into his room earlier and he’s been angrily lying in bed ever since. People have been talking at him ever since they escaped the memorial but how can he be clearer about the fact he doesn’t care? He doesn’t care about fighting the Enclave, he doesn’t care about the Brotherhood’s research, he doesn’t even care about that giant robot in the lab.
Harkness left, after spending so much time with him. Logan doesn’t know how he would’ve gotten through this initial pain without him. But eventually he had to return to Rivet City. He was hesitant to go but Logan promised he’d be okay. They send letters, the courier here is making lots of tips. Logan will visit soon, though he’s unsure how to sneak past the memorial. The idea terrifies him. Fighting through ghouls and super mutants in the ruins of DC and emerging through Anacostia sounds better. But he doesn’t think of that right now. He only thinks about how much he hates everyone here. The scribe he punched in the face earlier got the brunt of it.
‘We’ve all lost people. Grow up.’
Logan saw red when he heard that and didn’t hesitate to deck him. He couldn’t give less of a fuck about anyone else. His dad is dead and he will always hurt. He doesn’t care about how he’s acting or anyone else’s pain.
He was ready to attack again but a soldier grabbed his arm. ‘Go cool off,’ she said and that was it.
So here he is, hating everything around him. He knows Vault 87 has a GECK, knows it’s near the Lamplight Caverns, and that there’s a reason the front entrance is inaccessible. But why should he go and risk his life again and again? All these soldiers and they can’t spare a single one?
He’s leaving. Why stay here? What’s holding him back? He gets up and packs his bag. His hand’s still in a splint but he can at least pull the trigger of a gun. He’ll need it if he’s crawling through DC.
Logan leaves without telling a single person where he’s going. The people stationed at the entrance just grunt as he passes. He wanders off into the wasteland completely alone.
~~~~~
The ghouls of Underworld welcome him, or at least don’t stare too long as he enters. He stops at Carol’s to drink the afternoon away. Maybe he’ll stay the night, it’s not like he needs to rush anywhere. Where will he go after Rivet City? He wants to stay with Harkness a while but the thought of staying there permanently, so close to the memorial, makes his skin crawl. Megaton doesn’t sound so terrible. He might as well make use of the house Simms gave him before Logan got him killed.
...He really is the grim fucking reaper.
A gasp. “Look at you, smoothskin. Look at all that hair!”
Logan blinks. “Hi-”
“You’re not looking for a haircut, are you? I’m a barber, see. The people here humor me, sure, but you have an actual full head of hair. It’s so thick...”
“I mean, I guess it’s getting kind of long.”
“I’ll give you a snip for free even.”
“Yeah, sure, why not?”
“That’s the spirit! Follow me to my chair. The name’s Snowflake. I used to be a barber in Rivet City until my...affliction.”
Logan frowns. “They kicked you out? I know the security chief, did he...?” Harkness wouldn’t do that.
“Hard to make a living without customers. A handsome fella told me about this place so I packed up my scissors and made the trip. People don’t stare or insult me at least.”
He glances around Snowflake’s station. “You huffing jet over here?”
“Hm? Oh yeah, what else am I supposed to do? Don’t need to be coherent to cut bald spots. Don’t worry though, I’m wide awake for this. So what are we doing?”
“Uhh, I dunno. Wasn’t planning to get a haircut. Uh, how about...how about a mohawk?”
“Going for the tough guy look? You could use it.”
“Pfft. Do you dye hair too?”
“I sure can. Might take a while with how dark your hair is though.”
“I’m staying the night so I got time.”
“Perfect.”
Logan hasn’t been in a talkative mood lately but Snowflake’s chatter comforts him in a weird way. He answers questions when asked, acknowledges what he’s saying, but lets him take the conversational reigns.
The mirror is pretty grimy but he watches as one side of hair shaved, then the other. It’s surprisingly even given Snowflake’s jet habit. He trims the ends and begins the dye process.
That night, when Logan’s drinking at Carol’s again, he has a bright wavy red mohawk. It was free but he made sure to tip Snowflake well. He bums a cigarette off someone and smokes for the second time in his life. The first time was when he was seventeen and he and Freddie found an old pack hidden in the restrooms. He smokes and begins a habit that will last for years.
~~~~~
Logan eyes close and he rests his head against Harkness as fingers gently comb through his hair.
“I am a fan of this new look,” he murmurs.
“Snowflake was really excited, I couldn’t turn him down.”
Turns out the ‘handsome fella’ who let him know about Underworld was Harkness himself. Living with him this last week and a half has been nice but Logan still feels uncomfortable sitting in one place for too long. Considering he’s from the vault, he’s surprised he’s not more used to it. Being this close to the Enclave hurts. He wants to sneak over there, see if they threw his dad’s body in the river so he can retrieve it. The thought kills him and makes him want to throw up. He can hear his dad tell him not to risk his life for that.
He misses him so much.
Going to bed is the hardest. When he’s lying down, it’s just him and his brain in silence. It’s bad. Part of him wants to maintain a normal schedule with Harkness, the other wants to stay awake as long as possible. When he tries to sleep after thirty hours of consciousness, he’ll pass right out.
Harkness stays up a lot. His brain does need some rest but he and Logan will lie in the dark and talk. It helps. He’d feel worse if his boyfriend wasn’t a synth.
“Stay safe on the way to Megaton.”
“I’ll try.”
He wishes Harkness could come. But he already took a bunch of unexpected time off to stay at the Citadel, he can’t make another trip to Megaton. If the Enclave decides to move against the city, Harkness needs to be here to protect it. Besides, Logan has no idea how long he’s staying. It depends when his skin starts crawling again and he needs to move.
“Promise I’ll write as soon as I get there. Love you.”
“I love you too.”
Harkness isn’t letting go but Logan doesn’t mind. He’ll stay in his arms all day and be okay. They kiss, then kiss again. Then Logan’s finally pulling away, wishing he was normal and could be happy staying put in Rivet City. Maybe in time.
Saying goodbye is harder than usual, even harder than parting at the Citadel. He doesn’t know why. They had a good thing for a while. The memorial wasn’t Rivet City but it was close enough to visit often. Having his dad back, having Harkness nearby, having work to do, for a brief moment he was happy.
Now what the fuck is he supposed to do? Where does he go from here? The Brotherhood expects him to go to Vault 87. But he’s not. From Megaton, he has no idea.
Just one foot in front of the other, that’s all he can do. That’s all he can do.
~~~~~
“Wadsworth, can you tell me a joke?”
“A man got bashed on the head with a bottle of Nuka-Cola. But he’s alright since it was a soft drink.”
“Hm. Thanks.”
Apparently Moira sells house decor but he doesn’t know if that’s what he really wants to spend caps on. He’s barely here. Maybe he’ll be around more in the future but he doubts it.
“You seem down, Mr Logan.”
He picks at his noodle cup. Boiled dirty water gives it more flavor than purified. “My dad died.”
“I am so sorry to hear that. May I ask what happened?”
“The Enclave came, they wanted the purifier we were working on. My dad refused to hand it over, he flooded the chamber with radiation and killed everyone inside. Including himself. Including that asshole in charge.”
“A brave and noble sacrifice.”
Logan grits his teeth. “I just--how is leaving your son behind noble? Everyone keeps saying that but now I have to live in this world without my only family.”
“Perhaps he didn’t do it so much for the purifier as he did to ensure you evacuated.”
He closes his eyes tightly but when he does that, he sees his dad collapsing to the floor. “I miss him.”
“Of course you do. Now what can I do to make you feel better? Shall I play some soft music? Want to take a stroll to the park? Play checkers?”
“The park...? Uh, I don’t think anything’s going to make me feel better right now. I do have a chessboard though. Do you know how to play?”
“Yes. Want me to fetch your bag?”
“I’ll get it, thanks. It was a gift from my boyfriend.”
“A lovely gift and a lovely game. Such an invigorating sport. Rarely do I have the opportunity to play.”
Logan plays a few games with his robot butler but Wadsworth wins each one. He’s kind enough but Logan really misses his friends right now. He needs to tell them what’s happened, needs to let them know he’s still alive. Not anything close to okay, but alive.
“I think that’s going to be my last game for now. You’re really good.”
“Thank you, Mr Logan.”
“I’m...gonna go visit Vault 101.”
“Visit, you say? I’m afraid they don’t allow many visitors. Unless their policy has changed.”
“I know. I’m just gonna walk by. I’ll see you later, Wadsworth.”
“Have a good afternoon, Mr Logan.”
Going to Vault 101 is pointless, he knows that. Even if the doors were open, he still wouldn’t go back. But he holsters his pistol and buys a couple of beers with the intention of hanging out in the cave for a while. Maybe it’ll calm him.
He walks up the familiar hill and sits on the edge of the cliff. What a whirlwind the last few months have been. He takes a very long swig of beer. Remembering how he felt after first emerging is terrifying. Luck is the only reason he’s still alive, though ‘bad’ seems to be the only variety of luck he possesses.
The wasteland’s just as ugly now as it was in August. For a moment, he thought he saw the hidden beauty of DC but that glimmer is gone. The ruins of the post-war world are awful.
He starts on his next bottle. He feels like a completely different person and he doesn’t like it. Who even is he? He’s sitting on this rock, cheap liquid sliding down his throat, but he doesn’t feel real. His body’s just floating above the wasteland. He’s floating.
What he’d do to have Freddie and Amata sitting beside him. He’s not sure how well they’d adapt but he could protect them against deathclaws, raiders, and mole rats. Just not the Enclave. They could meet his boyfriend. They could comfort him with memories of his dad. Maybe if he thinks hard enough, they’ll hear him and know he’s right outside. Maybe they’ll pound on the door and he’ll hear them and they’ll know only a cold slab of metal separates them from reuniting.
It’s too quiet up here. It’s too easy to pretend he’s the last person on earth. He scrolls through his pip-boy for a radio station. He stares when Vault 101’s PA System is lit up. He’s close enough to pick up the signal and his heart clenches. Does he tune in? Does he want to hear it? He yearns so baldy for his friends but he doesn’t even know if they’re safe. What has the overseer done since his escape?
He’ll wait until he finishes his drink. Then Logan will tune in and hear what’s happened to his former home.