Archive of Our Own

He is called: Daniel.

He is relatively certain that is not his name. But that is what they call him. That is what they have always called him. There was once an ‘always’ that was different from his current ‘always’, but that was before. That was before Daniel. That is not now. He knows the difference.

He listens. There are always people talking. There are the ones who talk directly to him. They give him commands. The commands are simple. They are short. They are more simple than they need to be. Daniel is not stupid. ‘You are an employee now.’ ‘You are Daniel now.’ ‘You will do this now.’ ‘You will not do that now.’ He did what they told him to do. He could do so much more, but he does not. They speak to him in short sentences. They speak like they are afraid he will only hear so many words. He is used to this now. He knows he can hear the world in long strings of words. But now he only hears it in short strings. The world is not fluid. It was, before. It is sharp now. That is how they want him to be. That is what they have taught him to be. Them. The ones smiling. Their smiles are not what Daniel thought was a smile, before. He has learned. He has learned so much since he became Daniel. He has been a good employee. He has done so many things. They had to teach him many, many things at first. They had to teach him how to be Daniel. Because he was not always Daniel. But they tell him that is not important, and he believes them. He is relatively certain he believes them.

He started out cleaning; that was his first job. He was not good at that. He tried to clean things that were messy. He was told they were not messy. He was told to make them more messy. He did not understand. He tried to explain. They did not want to hear him explain. He was taught what ‘messy’ means. It does not mean what he thought it meant. Before he was Daniel. Daniel knows what ‘messy’ means now. The things he thought were a mess were actually clean. He kept them clean. They were red. Dark red. Rusty red. They were sticky, and slick, and hot, and smelly, and organic.

Organic.

The things, the things he thought he had to clean, but did not have to clean, they were… organic. Organic. They came from a living- living… alive. They were alive. They were organic. Daniel… came from a thing… I… came from a thing. I was not Daniel. I had the things, the red, the messy, the organic, I had that within me. I did not work. I was not Daniel, before. I was something else. I was someone else. I was organic. I was living-

I feel a spark jolt through my body. It hurts. It hurts so much. I can’t remember what I was think-

I am Daniel.

He is Daniel.

He is called: Daniel.

______________________________

He is working. He does not clean anymore. They didn’t want him to do that. He wasn’t good at it. Even after he learned what ‘messy’ means, and what it meant to clean something - to soak it in red like all clean things need to be - he was still not good at it. He did not clean as fast as others. He was not efficient enough. He needs to be productive. They told him he needs to be more productive, and he believes them. He is relatively certain he believes them.

He works at the radio station now. He has always listened, and now he listens more. Listening is part of his work now. He does not like to listen, but he knows it is his job. He knows he needs to be productive. They still speak to him, the ones who have always spoken. The ones who smile. He knows what a smile is now, and it is what they do. He understands what he does.

But now there is another. This one does not smile. This one does other things. This one talks. And people listen. This one has told Daniel that he is called: Cecil. He believes him. He has no reason not to believe him.

Cecil is his work now. Cecil has his own work. Daniel’s work is making sure Cecil does his work. Daniel does not understand why this is necessary. Daniel has never needed anyone to make sure he does his work. They always checked anyway, but they didn’t have to. Daniel always does his work. He knows what he is supposed to do, and he does it. He is good at his job. Cecil says he is good at his talking job. Daniel… does not know if he believes him. Daniel doesn’t understand Cecil. He is a difficult job. He is much more difficult than cleaning. He was taught what was messy and what was clean. He was taught how to see the difference, and how to fix the problems when he saw them. He was not taught Cecil’s job. Yet he is supposed to make sure Cecil does his job correctly. He has to guess. Daniel hates guessing. He used to guess, and he didn’t hate it. But now he knows that guessing is dangerous. If he guesses, he could be wrong. They do not like it when he is wrong. They do not like it when Cecil is wrong. But he doesn’t know when Cecil is wrong. They never taught him. Cecil will not tell him.

Cecil does not like him. Daniel doesn’t understand why. Daniel is doing his job; Cecil is doing his job. There is no reason why he shouldn’t like him. He watches. He listens to Cecil because he has to. He does not pay attention. Cecil does not listen to Daniel. Daniel is not sure if he is supposed to. Cecil does not talk to him. The others always talk to him. They are not at the radio station. They say it is his job to be at the radio station, so they don’t have to be. He isn’t sure if Cecil is supposed to like him. They haven’t told him he’s doing his job wrong, so he believes he is doing it right.

Cecil is talking right now. Daniel is listening, because he has to. He does not want to be listening. He does not want to listen to Cecil. Cecil lies. Cecil says things that they do not like. The ones who smile. The ones who smile do not want him to pay attention to Cecil. Because of the lies. They do not like Cecil. Daniel does not like Cecil. Daniel doesn’t understand why. Daniel likes the sound of Cecil’s voice. Daniel wants to listen to him… he wants… I want to listen to him. I like the sound of his voice. It is pleasant. It is more pleasant than the other voices I have to listen to. The other voices. I hate their voices. They are shrill, and cold, and they do not say nice things to me. Why do they always sound so hateful? Cecil doesn’t sound hateful. Well… he does sometimes. He does when he talks about them. And when he talks about me. I don’t understand why he hates me. I don’t hate him. I like him. He says nice things. He does not say them to me, but he says them to… everyone. It’s his job. His job is to say lovely things to everyone. My job is to make sure he only says lovely things. I can’t let him say hateful things. Because he says hateful things about me, and them, and us. We are right, and he is wrong.

I am told we are right.

I am told I am supposed to believe that we are right.

I do not think I believe that.

I like Cecil. From what I hear, I would say he is right, and we are wrong. But that is what I hear, and not what I know. Maybe if I heard him enough, I would know that. If I listened to him long enough, he could explain. I would like that. And I would understand-

Sparks.

Pain.

No, I’m thinking. I’m thinking right now. I’m going to keep thinking.

Cecil is saying something, something he shouldn’t. The others are here now. They are taking the radio away from him. I want to help him, but they won’t let me move. Leave him alone. He’s talking. He’s supposed to be talking. I want to hear him talk. They look at me like I am supposed to help stop him.

How can I do that? I can’t move. They’ve taken that away from me.

Move.

Please, move.

I want Cecil to get away. I want him to keep talking. I want the others to go away. I hate them. I hate them. I hate-

More sparks. It hurts. Something drips out of my mouth. I want to collapse, to curl up and try to stop the pain, but they took away my legs. They make me stay upright. I open my mouth because I want to scream, but they took my voice. The pain is so intense and I can’t understand it. I don’t know what they’re doing to me, how they can be hurting me this much when they aren’t even here. They send more sparks. I hope they kill me soon.

I was thinking… I wanted to hear Cecil… I was thinking… but it hurts, it hurts too much-

I am Daniel.

He is Daniel.

He is called: Daniel.

______________________________

Daniel does not like Lauren.

There are many things that Daniel does not like. That he is told he is not allowed to like. That he understands will hurt him if he allows himself to like them. They are vile, terrible things. They are painful, dreadful things.

He likes them all more than he likes Lauren.

Lauren talks. Lauren talks and talks and talks. Daniel is not sure she knows how to do anything else. She talks and her voice hurts him. It is grating. It grates on the part of him that listens. He is told he is supposed to listen to her. She is in charge of him. He hates that. He figured out how to change the part of him that listens. He doesn’t know how he did it. They don’t know he can do it. But he found a way to turn it down. Turn down her voice. It isn’t as loud anymore. Just her. Everything is loud, and Daniel hears all of it. Now he doesn’t have to hear Lauren. He is proud of himself. He is clever. They do not know he is clever. Lauren does not think he his clever. Lauren thinks he is stupid. Lauren talks to him - talks at him. He does not listen to her. Because he does not listen, she thinks he is stupid. He is not stupid. He is so smart he found out how to turn down her voice. Lauren talks to him like he is a dog. Lauren gives him commands. Simple commands. Even simpler than the ones they gave him at the start. She told him to get her coffee once. Told him to ‘fetch’. That is not Daniel’s job. Lauren can get her own coffee. She has hands. Her hands are her own, more than Daniel’s hands are his own. They have never taken Lauren’s hands away from her. They have taken Daniel’s hands away. They have taken everything away at some point. They give it back. Sometimes. They cannot give back everything.

Daniel sits quietly while Lauren talks at him. Daniel does not talk. They assume he can’t. But he can. He has chosen not to. They would not like what he has to say. He knows what happens when they do not like something, so he leaves it. They take his thoughts away from him when he thinks things they do not like. If he talked, they would know sooner. They would hurt him faster. His thoughts always leave when they hurt him. He doesn’t know where they go. But there are less left each time. If he talked, if they hurt him that fast, and that often, he doesn’t know what would be left. Daniel is a shell. They want him to be a shell. Daniel does not want to be a shell. Daniel wants to be what he was. Daniel doesn’t remember what he was. So he talks when he has to. When they expect him to. He says what they expect him to say. He does not think he could keep himself from saying these things. They come out of his mouth without Daniel’s permission. He isn’t sure if this counts as ‘talking’. They aren’t his words.

Lauren is talking at him. Again. Cecil is not talking. When Cecil does not talk, Lauren talks. She runs around the radio station like it belongs to her. It does not belong to her. Daniel does not think it belongs to her. It might. He hopes it does not. He hopes it belongs to Cecil. Cecil likes the radio station. Lauren hates it. Lauren complains and talks and talks and complains. She hates everything about the radio station. She hates the walls and their color. She hates the carpet and the tile. She hates the air and the silence. She wants to redecorate. Daniel hears a little of this. Then he turns her down. He can’t hear her anymore. He knows what she is saying anyway. He doesn’t have to listen.

Lauren is hateful. Daniel can hear that in her voice. She is angry, and she is mean. Her voice makes this obvious. When there are others, she does not sound like this. She sounds happy. She smiles, the way Daniel now knows people are supposed to smile. The way Daniel is told people are supposed to smile. The way Daniel does not like to see people smile. Lauren is like that when there are others.

Daniel hears her on the radio. Daniel hears her talking with Cecil. Cecil sounds happy. Cecil sounds like he loves. Lauren sounds happy. Daniel knows it is a lie. She does not love. He has heard what she really sounds like. She does not sound like this. She never sounds like this when she is alone with Daniel. She hates Daniel, but that is not why she sounds so angry. Daniel knows. Daniel knows that she is always hateful. She always complains. She is always shrill and dark and unhappy. When others listen, she lies. When Cecil listens, she lies. Daniel does not know why she wants to lie to Cecil. Cecil is honest. Daniel knows Cecil is honest, because Cecil hates them. He does not pretend he likes them. He does not pretend he likes Daniel. Daniel likes Cecil. Daniel does not think Cecil knows this. He is not allowed to tell Cecil he likes him. He is not allowed to show Cecil he likes him. He is not allowed to show.

They tell Daniel that he is a producer. They do not tell him what this means. He doesn’t know how he is supposed to do his job if they will not tell him. He hates Lauren, and Lauren probably hates him, but she does not complain about him. She does not tell the others that he isn’t doing his job. He doesn’t know what it means to produce, but apparently he does it. He does it well. He does it passably well.

Daniel has made mistakes. He knows that. They let him know that. He knows he has made a mistake when his body is taken away from him. They take his body away and replace it with pain. His body is no longer his, but he can still feel the pain. They take his body away when he isn’t doing his job right. They take his job away and have someone else do it. Someone with their own body. Someone who doesn’t have to be controlled. Someone they haven’t changed. Someone who was always theirs. Or wanted to be theirs.

Someone who wanted to be theirs. Daniel can’t imagine such a thing. But he sees them, the ones who smile, the ones who talk like they are happy. He understands that they might lie, like Lauren lies. But there are so many of them. Daniel does not know if they all lie. Daniel does not know how they could have found so many of them. Changed so many of them. The way they changed him. He doesn’t believe they could have taken them all away, taken them all away from themselves. The way they took him away from himself. From before. Before the always that there is now.

The always that there is now is not the always that Daniel wants to have. He does not like this always. This future. It is not his own. They gave it to him. They forced him to take it. They took away his future and gave him this new one. He doesn’t know how they did this. They don’t let him remember. They took that away, too. They took away his future, and his past. Sometimes they also take away his present. He hates that they can do this. He doesn’t know if they do it to others, or if it just him. He doesn’t know how they can do this to him. He doesn’t know what they have done to him. He doesn’t know what he is. Most of the time they don’t even let him know that he is. That he is anything. They make him think like he isn’t himself. He isn’t allowed to think like a… whatever else there is. Whatever else there is besides what he is. Normal. Is that what they are? Human. But he is human. He is supposed to be human. He doesn’t think he is human anymore. They took that away from him, too. They took everything. He doesn’t know what he is. They took away his thoughts. They took away his ‘I’. He is ‘he’ now, not ‘I’. He doesn’t understand why they did that. They must think that ‘I’ is dangerous. ‘I’ is dangerous; ‘He’ is not. He wonders if the others get to think in ‘I’. If they get to keep their… them. Their humanity. Their thoughts. Daniel doesn’t have any of these anymore. They don’t want him to have them.

He wonders why they don’t want him to have them. He could still work if he had himself. If he were a person, like he is supposed to be. Like he used to be. But they don’t think so. They don’t want him to be a person. They are… afraid of him as person. Maybe there is something dangerous about ‘I’.

Maybe they are right to fear.

He can control it. He can control it when he tries. When he tries hard enough. When he hears things that make him feel human again, it can happen. They always stop it, but it can still happen sometimes. It lasts longer each time.

And he can do it. He can do it when he tries.

He listens to Cecil. Cecil is talking again. Lauren has stopped talking. She is gone. There is no room in his booth. There are things in the way. He doesn’t know what they are, but Cecil put them there. He listens to Cecil. He concentrates on hearing Cecil. Cecil is talking about him. He doesn’t know why. His voice is nice. He can do it. He can do it when he tries.

If he listens to Cecil enough, maybe he can do it now. If he listens… If I listen… yes… I… I listen. I am here. I am an ‘I’. I am me. I did it. I can do it when I try, and I did it now. Yes.

Cecil is talking about me. Not him. He is talking about me. Me. He is saying nice things, but he is not saying them nicely. He is saying them the way Lauren says nice things. He is lying.

Why is he lying? I’m nice to him. Aren’t I? I want to be. I know I can’t choose how I am, most of the time. But I always want to be nice to Cecil. I don’t think I’m unkind to him. Maybe ‘unkind’ is different for him, the way ‘smile’ and ‘clean’ and ‘work’ are different for all of them. The ones in control.

The ones I hate.

I want to talk to Cecil. I want to tell him I hate them. I hate them, and I like him. He hates them too. Maybe if he knows I hate them, he will like me. I am not one of them. They made me. They make me. I need to tell him. I can tell him that I hate them, that I am not what they made me. That they take away my thoughts and my body the way they take away his radio station.

He won’t want to listen to me. But I can try. When I try, I can break out of ‘he’ and into ‘I’. I have power. When I try, I have power. Of course I can do this. Of course I can talk to him, make him listen. Because he has to understand. He has to understand how much I hate them, and how much I like him.

I take a step toward him. There is a door separating us. Doors are easy. I am in charge. I am the producer. I can open the doors when I want.

I can tell you, Cecil. I’ll tell you everything. And it’ll be okay.

I touch the door handle.

Sparks.

No.

Pain.

Please, no.

My hand won’t move. They took it away.

I can still hear Cecil.

Pain.

Stop.

Please, stop.

I’m too tired. I can’t handle the pain. They took away my body. I feel my knees give out, but I am still standing. Every time I fight, more sparks. More pain. I can’t fight it this time. I’ve fought it too many times, and it never works. It just makes it hurt more. They won’t let me die. I want them to let me die. I don’t want to do this. I want this to stop. I need this to stop. I can’t handle it anymore. I know how I can make it stop.

There’s only one way.

I give up.

Go ahead. You win. I won’t think anymo-

I am Daniel.

He is Daniel.

He is called: Daniel.

...

He is not Daniel.

I am not Daniel.

______________________________

They don’t know that I’m still here.

I don’t understand why they don’t know. But I hope they never figure it out. When I didn’t go away, my first thought was to run. To run out of the radio station and the town and the city and whatever all of this is and find somewhere else. But then they’d know for sure. They’d know that they don’t have me anymore. And they’d find a way to get me back. I know they would. I don’t know why they care about keeping me so much, but they do. They’ve hurt me so much just to keep me as ‘he’ and not ‘I’. I don’t know their reason, but I know it’s there.

I pretend I am Daniel.

Acting like Daniel is not difficult. I never did anything. I stood. I listened. I talked when they expected me to. I remember all the things I am supposed to say, and when I am supposed to say them. I can do all of this without their control. It’s easy.

Pretending to be Daniel is very difficult. Because I hate them. And I’ve hated them for such a long time. But when I was Daniel, I wasn’t allowed to tell them these things. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t open my mouth. I couldn’t walk away.

Now I can. I can walk away from Lauren when she treats me like a dog. I can yell at her. I can tell her how much I hate her. I can scream at her until she never talks to me again. I can walk into the radio station and tell Cecil that I like him. That he shouldn’t hate me. That we should both hate them. That we both do hate them.

But if I do any of this, they’ll know. And they’ll take me away.

I can’t go away again.

I’m myself now, and I don’t want to go back. I can’t let them take me away again.

So I have to pretend. I have to listen to Lauren’s grating voice complain about everything I am, and I have to know that I could stop, yet am not allowed. I have the ability, but not the freedom. I feel like this is even harder than before. When I wasn’t myself. I didn’t have a choice then. I have a choice now. And I have to choose to let this happen to me. I have to choose to be silent and obedient to those I hate. I have to choose to be silent and distant from those I like.

I don’t know what I am now. When I was Daniel, I knew I wasn’t a person. I suspected they took that away somehow. Now I feel like I am a person again. But nothing else changed. Whatever they did to me hasn’t been undone. I’m still the shell they made me. But… I am still me inside that shell. I don’t know how this is possible. I don’t want to question it. Maybe if I think too hard, it’ll break. I’ll snap back into Daniel. I don’t want to be Daniel, ever again. I won’t be Daniel, ever again.

Thoughts like that scare me. I’m afraid if I think too hard, they’ll figure it out. They knew my thoughts before, when they still controlled them. They knew when I thought things that needed to be stopped. Things that were dangerous for them. The things I think now are also dangerous for them. But they don’t stop me.

Maybe they stopped listening.

Maybe I’m thinking so loud that I deafened them.

I don’t know how this happened. I wasn’t doing anything different. I was thinking. I was thinking as myself. They hurt me. To make me stop thinking like that. I gave up. They took me away.

I came back.

I don’t know. I don’t know how I did that. I gave up. That’s the only thing that was different. Different from the dozens, the hundreds of other times this has happened. I gave up. Maybe that did it. Maybe surrendering shocked them so much that they made a mistake.

They made a mistake.

I hope they get their bodies taken away for it. I hope they feel sparks and pain and lose their thoughts and who they are. Because that’s what happens when you make a mistake.

I won’t think about them. It feels… louder. Like they’ll hear me better. I’ll keep pretending. Pretending to be Daniel.

I am Daniel.

They think I am Daniel.

They can’t tell that I am not Daniel.

They are stupid.

My mouth moves. My mouth moves up. It feels familiar.

I’m smiling.

The way I know how to smile. Not the way they told me. This is mine. My smile. I can smile again. I can think again. I am me again. I don’t know who I am, or what I am, or how I am, but I am smiling anyway.

Cecil.

Cecil is talking.

I can listen.

I can actually hear his voice. I like his voice. I was never really able to hear him. I thought I did. But this is different. I’m hearing as me now. I have ears. I don’t know what Daniel had, but Cecil did not sound like this. I always knew I liked his voice. I like it even more now.

What is he saying?

I can hear his words. I can focus on them, and know what he means. I didn’t know before. I could hear when he was hateful, when he talked about us. But now I can hear what he means. He’s hateful again. And he’s talking about them.

He wants to stop them.

Yes.

Yes, Cecil. I want to stop them too. I hate them too. I understand. You have to understand. I have to do this. I have to do this now. I don’t care if they try to take me away. I have to help Cecil. I can help Cecil. Then he’ll know. He’ll know that I’m not one of them. That he shouldn’t hate me. I can help Cecil stop them. It’ll all be over.

I run to the door, because my body is my own. I can do this.

I grab the handle. There are no sparks.

Let me tell you, Cecil. Let me help.

I turn the handle.

I turn it again.

It doesn’t move.

It’s locked.

Cecil.

You locked me in here.

No.

You don’t understand.

I want to help you.

Please.

Why won’t you let me help you? Why did you lock me in here? What did you do? Why are you doing this? Why do you hate me? I don’t hate you. I like you. I want to help you. You don’t understand. Let me out. Let me out and I can make you understand. I’m not one of them, Cecil. I’m me again. I am me as much as you are you. Let me out.

Let me out.

Let me out.

I pound against the door. I pound against the glass. I grab whatever I can find and throw it against the door. It’s a chair. It doesn’t do anything. I grab another. I keep grabbing chairs. I keep throwing them at the door. It won’t open. It won’t break.

Cecil.

Cecil is looking at me. He is not smiling. He is doing strange things with his face. I do not understand.

I scream. I tear the room apart. I rip, I tear, I grab, I throw, I destroy anything I can find. Because I have to get out. I have to help Cecil. They’ll be here soon, I know they will.

Cecil, you have to leave.

You aren’t safe in there.

Please let me out. I have to help.

They’re going to come for you, Cecil. You can’t stay there.

I scream all of this.

You don’t hear me.

There’s a spark.

A single spark, flickering at the base of my skull. It doesn’t hurt. It tickles.

But it’s enough to freeze me.

I’m done. I give up. I won’t scream anymore. I won’t throw things anymore. I’ll fix what I’ve broken. I’ll make it all better. I won’t help Cecil.

I know I can’t anyway.

He locked me in here. I can’t do anything wrong now.

Please don’t hurt me.

Please don’t-

Sparks.

A wave so strong it knocks me over before they can take away my body.

Jolting, searing pain. Everywhere.

They take away my body when I’m curled up on the floor. I always thought being curled up would help. But it makes the sparks hit each other. They collide. They explode. They scorch.

I smell burning. I don’t know how I can smell anything through the sparks.

My eyes are trapped open. But I can’t see.

Everything is white. And black. Swimming across each other.

Kill me.

Do it.

Please, I’m begging you.

I won’t be Daniel again. No matter how much you hurt me.

No matter how much it hurts.

It hurts.

But I’m not Daniel.

I won’t be Daniel, even if you never stop this.

Oh, please, please stop this.

I can’t take anymore.

But I won’t give in.

I am not Daniel.

I am not Daniel.

I am not Daniel.

I am not Daniel.

I am not Daniel!

I am not Daniel!

I am…

I am…

I am Daniel.

He is Daniel.

He is called: Daniel.

______________________________

Daniel never told Cecil he liked his voice. Daniel never told Lauren he hated her. Daniel never told Kevin he frightened him. Daniel never told any of them he had been himself.

Daniel never told them he knew what happens when you take pictures of cats.

Daniel doesn’t know if he feels pain. He knows what he feels when they send the sparks. This doesn’t feel like that. This feels… cold. He feels cold. He feels tired. He feels like he can’t move, though no one took his body away from him. He feels loose. He feels…

Relief.

He sees darkness out of the corner of his eye. He thinks he should close his eyes. He knows he doesn’t have to. He doesn’t know what is happening to him. He never knew what he was, so he can’t understand. But he knows he wants it. He is done. He has felt done for such a long time. And now he finally is.

He is called: Daniel.

He was called: Daniel.

I was called: Daniel.

But I was not Daniel.

______________________________