Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

CHAPTER ONE

Prologue - in which the Baudelaires make a Fort

“Mother and Father are gone again, and we can’t get Sunny to shut up.”

Lilac rubbed her eyes, sitting up and glaring at her brothers. “Come on, Klaus, you just need to calm her down.”

“We can’t do that,” Nick said, narrowing his eyes. “She doesn’t listen to us.”

“Where are Mom and Dad?” The twins shrugged, and Lilac groaned. “Fine. Go ahead and wake up Violet and Solitude, we’ll have breakfast and do school. I’ll take care of Sunny.”

As her brothers ran off, Lilac got up, tied her hair back, and walked to the infant’s room. Now that she was getting closer, she could indeed hear their youngest sister’s cries. She pushed open the door, entering the nursery and smiling slightly as Sunny sat up, staring at her through her tears.

“Hey, Sunny.” Lilac said, moving up next to the crib and smiling as some hair fell out of her ponytail and into her face- ugh, she’d have to braid it back before breakfast. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Cithree,” she said as she sobbed, which meant something along the lines of, “I miss Mother and Father.”

“It’s alright, Sunshine.” Lilac said, picking Sunny up out of the crib and holding her. “It’s alright. They’ll be back soon, they always come back. Come on, it’s okay.”

Sunny kept crying, though, so Lilac said, “Hey, here’s an idea. Do you want to help me with the boys’ science homework?”

“Klofy.” she said quietly, which meant, “Of course, but how? ”

“We’ll find something.” Lilac smiled. “Come on, you can even help me pick out a dress.”

“Gonkmo.” Sunny said, which probably meant something like, “All of your dresses look the same.”

“Now, Sunny, don’t be rude.” Lilac said, though she laughed a little.

She took Sunny back to her room, and gave her a ribbon to play with while she got dressed and styled her hair. The sisters then went downstairs, where Violet had managed to make them all tea. Nick and Klaus were going over a geography book, glancing up at Sunny worriedly, as if she’d break into sobs at any second. Solitude was sitting on a high-chair at one end of the table, waving at Sunny as they arrived.

“Mother and Father left some food for us.” Violet said, as she noticed her sisters entering. “It seems to be for about a week, so we should be on our own until then.”

“I hate when they leave. They usually give warning, and it’s just weird when they don’t.” Nick said carefully, as he grabbed a cup of tea.

“Mother’s note said it was an emergency.” Violet explained.

“Where do you think they go?” Nick asked.

“Mother’s Business trips.” Violet said, rolling her eyes. “You know this.”

“Does she need to take Father, though?” Klaus asked, fidgeting with a pen.

“She didn’t used to.” Lilac reminded him. “But we’re old enough to watch ourselves now, and Dad can help her. And don’t think we’re gonna let you two slack off on your education again, we all got in enough trouble when you ditched your Math work to read the Divine Comedy and got nightmares-”

“That was four years ago, Li!” Nick rolled his eyes, as Klaus groaned. “You don’t have to keep reminding us.”

“Good, so put that book away, your Geography is on Friday, unless we’ve changed schedule.” Lilac said, placing Sunny in her own high chair. “We can all do our work in the library, and Solitude, you can show Sunny your new puzzles.”

“Ceaco,” Solitude said, which meant, “I could, but unfortunately, the pieces do not fit together anymore, as I bit off the edges.”

“Well, make it an extra snacktime.” Lilac sighed. “Vi, can you pass the hone- is that my sweater ?”

Violet glanced down at her outfit, and then glared at her sister. “Well, it’s not like you were going to wear it.”

“That’s mine , Nancy gave it to me for my birthday!”

“You don’t wear anything but black lace, when were you planning on-”

“Please,” Klaus interrupted, “Can you two not get into a fight again?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Violet asked, crossing her arms.

“Brushu.” Solitude said, which probably meant, “Are you forgetting the hairbrush incident of last week?”

“Vanent.” Sunny added, which meant, “And just last month, when Lilac gave Violet the wrong shampoo?”

“Still not over that.” Violet muttered.

“Look, Li, just let Violet wear the sweater,” Nick said, “And Vi, give it back to her when you’re done.”

Lilac and Violet huffed, but met eyes and nodded.

“Alright, now,” Klaus said, shutting the book and sliding it under the table, “Are we ready for tea?”

The first day went by fine, as all first days did. They read their books and did their work in the Library, and Sunny and Solitude bit things and played with small toys. Violet, after she finished her reading, made a makeshift tunnel out of extra rugs, and let her younger sisters crawl through it. They enjoyed that for hours, although Solitude seemed to have more fun with it than Sunny.

The second and third day, they fell into their routine, and only occasionally had a disagreement; notably twice, when Nick and Lilac had a spat over whether or not The Iliad was still relevant, and when Klaus got a little frustrated with Sunny while trying to teach her how to read, as she instead tried to eat the book.

The fourth day, at first, went by fine, but there was a thunderstorm that night. Lilac was shaken awake at four in the morning, and sat up to see a worried-looking Violet.

“What?” Lilac asked, annoyed to have been woken up from what had been a decent dream.

Violet bit her lip, and then said, “Li, I…” it was then that Lilac noticed her sister was crying. “I can’t find Klaus… or Nick. And Sunny and Soli are crying and the thunder’s so loud , I can’t think about anything else, and I can’t… I can’t…”

“Hey, hey…” Lilac sat up, rubbing Violet’s shoulder. “It’s alright. It’s alright. Here, we’ll get the girls, and then we’ll find Nick and Klaus. They probably just went to one of their hiding spots.”

“I thought I could find them,” Violet said, “But I can’t , and I can’t make the kids stop crying…”

“It’s alright. You don’t have to be perfect.” Lilac said, slowly getting out of bed and grabbing her ribbon. “You’re not Mom and Dad.”

“I’m not you .” Violet muttered, so quietly that Lilac couldn’t hear her.

Lilac went to Solitude’s room, while Violet went to Sunny’s, and they brought their crying sisters to the Library first.

“It’s okay, it’s just a storm.” Lilac said carefully, trying to calm down the sisters. “It’s not going to hurt us.”

“Kitlin,” Sunny said, which translated to, “Unless we get struck by lightning.”

“Okay, we’re not letting Klaus read to you again.” Lilac muttered.

“No!” Sunny and Solitude both wailed, as another peal of thunder sounded. Sunny reached to cover her ears, while Violet looked like she desperately wanted to, if that wouldn’t require putting her sister down.

“Speaking of Klaus,” Violet said, glancing around, “He and Nick aren’t here, I checked…”

“I figured.” Lilac said. “Come with me, I think I know where they are.”

She led them to a staircase, and walked up first, Violet following close at her heels. Unfortunately, the thunder was even louder the higher they went, which didn’t calm Sunny or Violet at all. Solitude eventually stopped crying, but she still gripped tightly to Lilac and buried her head in her nightgown.

When they reached the door, Violet said, “They won’t be up here. It’s too loud.”

“It’s not about the noise.” Lilac said, and pushed the door open.

The attic wasn’t visited by the siblings often. It just held boxes of boring artefacts from old days- outdated electronics that Violet and Lilac couldn’t rewire, books that bored Nick and Klaus, photographs of people that Sunny and Solitude had never met, and would never in their lives. And it got too loud during storms, and loud noises distressed them a lot.

But there were Klaus and Nick, sitting in the corner. Klaus was covering his ears and rocking back and forth, while Nick was grabbing blankets out of a box and putting them over him, nervously fiddling with the edges and bouncing up and down as he ran.

“What are you two doing?” Violet asked, sounding a bit distressed.

“I… we just…” Nick said, sounding a bit guilty. “Just…”

“It’s alright.” Lilac said, walking forwards and placing Solitude next to Klaus; the toddler immediately wiggled under the blankets, muting the noise for herself.

“How’d you find us?” Nick asked.

“I didn’t forget that you two used to come up here, before you realized this stuff was boring.” Lilac said, glancing at a nail sticking out of the wall, which used to hold a portrait. “Alright, Vi, Nick, I’m gonna need your help with this.”

Violet nodded, placing Sunny next to Klaus, quietly asking if he was alright. He shook his head, still covering his ears and rocking as Sunny and Solitude leaned up next to him.

As Lilac dictated what to do, Violet grabbed some rope out of a box, and threw blankets over it as Lilac tied it to loose planks and metal structures. They kept doing that, until the blankets made up a small enclosed area. Lilac dug some pillows out of another box, using those and the extra blankets to fill in the floor of the blanket fort. Then Lilac went over to Klaus, shaking him slightly until he looked up.

“Come on.” she said, as Nick and Violet grabbed the infants.

Inside the fort, the siblings were able to fit, and could use the pillows and blankets as a comfort in the storm. Klaus and Solitude were almost covered in blankets, hugging the pillows, while Lilac held Sunny, shushing her and calming her. Nick and Violet played with the edges of blankets and stared at the ceiling, as Solitude eventually moved a bit closer to Nick.

After a second, Lilac handed Sunny to Violet, and went to grab something. Violet glanced down at her worried sister, and slowly started saying, “Hey, Sunny. I know the thunder’s loud. But isn’t this fort pretty cool? Maybe we can make one over your crib. Would you like that? Then the light couldn’t wake you up in the morning.” Sunny nodded, curling up and leaning against her older sister.

Lilac walked back in, and placed a small box in the middle of the floor. “Found this in Mom’s room a while ago, and I fixed it up.” she said.

“What is it?” Nick asked.

“Music box.” Lilac explained, and she grabbed something on the side, winding it up and then opening it.

Slowly, notes started playing, sounding a bit like a jazz song. They listened for a second, barely hearing it over the thunder. And when it stopped, Lilac wound it up again. She seemed to like the winding, liked being able to move her hands, to be able to control some of the noise surrounding them.

By the time the storm died down, the song had played several times, but none of them were very tired of it.

“Do you want to go back to bed?” Lilac asked, after realizing they hadn’t heard thunder in a while.

They all shook their heads.

Then, after a second, Klaus said, “I don’t like when Mother and Father leave. I don’t like being alone.”

“They’re just making the world a bit better.” Lilac said carefully. “For us.”

“Snahpro.” Solitude said, which meant, “I’d rather they were here with us.”

“It’s not so bad.” Violet said, still cradling Sunny. “We’ve got each other.”

“Yeah.” Lilac nodded, and then Klaus leaned forwards and wound up the box again.

They fell asleep in the fort, and the next morning, they woke up, and slowly left to get dressed and ready for the day. But that night, instead of going to bed, they went to the fort again, to share funny stories and discuss fantasies and plans for the future.

When their parents finally returned, at the end of the week, the siblings ran up to hug them, all talking over each other to tell them about things that had happened while they were gone. And their parents smiled and laughed and gave them cool trinkets from the places they’d been, telling them about how they hoped they wouldn’t have to go on such a long trip again, but they just had to make sure something was cleared up.

“Is this what I think it is?” Violet asked, as her Mother handed her something.

Her Mother nodded. “You needed this to complete your invention?”

Violet nodded, excitement filling her eyes. “Yes! To fetch rocks that have been skipped.”

“Well,” her Father said, “There’s going to be a cloudy day tomorrow. Maybe you can take it down to the beach and test it out.”

She nodded, grinning, as her Mother added, “But only if you bring your siblings.”

“Of course.” Violet said, smiling at Lilac, who was flipping a new wrench in her hands. “We can all go, make a day of it. Who doesn’t love a day at the beach?”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWO

in which the Baudelaires receive some Distressing News

If anyone asked the very unfortunate Baudelaire children if they liked their siblings, their response would either be “which one?” or “depends on the day”, depending on whether one of them had recently been pranked.

There were six Baudelaire children, which many people found surprising- how can there be six of you? How do your parents deal with it all? Lilac would normally respond sweetly, saying that she helped her parents take care of things, mentally noting that she was always in charge when their parents needed some extra help. If any of the other siblings were given a chance to respond, they would say something like, “They don’t, we run wild around the city while nobody’s looking,” and then leave before the adult could figure out they were being sarcastic.

The six siblings had to spend a lot of time together; while most of them had friends, they didn’t spend a lot of time outside their home, so they had to learn to get along. If they didn’t, the oldest four might’ve ripped each other apart before Solitude could even exist. Of course, just because they could survive each other didn’t mean they had the perfect relationship; on more than one occasion, Lilac realized her shampoo smelled off and realized just in time that Violet had dumped dangerous chemicals inside the bottle in retaliation for whatever had happened that week, or Klaus and Nick went three days without talking to each other because they disagreed on the meaning of a book (Lilac had to lock them in a room until they stopped arguing over The Old Man and the Sea), or Sunny and Solitude would bite the wrong thing and cause trouble, which meant their older siblings would be very disappointed in them.

But, well, they were siblings. These kinds of things happen to several children who are forced to spend the first two decades of their lives cooped up together. They could fight, they could make up, they could forget why they were arguing and start laughing over the same joke. And, of course, most of their antics were all connected by the phrase “Don’t tell Mother and Father.” Their parents loved them, of course, but it was a bit anxiety-inducing to hear about what problems they’d all caused that day- or that week, if they were away on business trips and Lilac had to be in charge.

On that fateful day, the Baudelaires’ parents happened to be home, but they asked them to take a rickety trolley alone to the seashore, where they would spend the day as a sort of vacation as long as they were home for dinner. It was a very gray and cloudy day, which didn’t bother any of the Baudelaires; when it was hot and sunny, Briny Beach was crowded with tourists, but it was empty on the gray and cloudy days. Besides, Lilac quite liked when things were gray, and liked them even better when they were black.

Violet was the first to arrive, rushing off the trolley with her basket in hand and beaming, her hair falling over her shoulder as she whipped around. “Hurry it up, we haven’t got all day!” she called.

“Yes, we do!” Lilac called after her, carrying the blanket. She turned to her siblings, saying, “Now, don’t wander off. The beach is huge, and even without people here, we don’t want to get split u- Nick, what did I just say ?”

Nick, who was carrying Solitude, looked up from a spot on the beach he’d stopped at, kneeling down to look. “It’s a tide pool.” he said simply.

“I don’t care what it is, stay with us.”

“But I was reading about tide pools yesterday,” he said, “And I’d like to see what’s here.”

“Hopkins,” said Solitude, which probably meant, “Let him look at the tide pools, we’ve got time.”

“We agreed we’d do this first.” said Klaus, carrying Sunny, who was already scanning the beach, looking for things to bite.

“Alright.” Nick said hesitantly, standing up again and carrying Solitude over to the blanket Lilac had laid out.

“Are you ready?” Violet asked, kneeling beside the basket.

“Let’s get to work!” Klaus said excitedly, having been the one to help Violet the most on this particular project.

“Do you think this will be as good as the mailbox?” Violet asked.

“For the love of all that is Holy and Good in this world,” Lilac said sharply, “Do not turn this into the Mailbox Incident.”

“I don’t know, I think that went well.” Nick shrugged.

“It went better than the ceiling fan.” Klaus said.

“LIlienthal,” Sunny said, which meant, “Or the hang-glider.”

“Come on, Lilac, help me with last minute adjustments,” Violet said, tying back her hair.

Lilac was the oldest, as she liked to remind everyone when they thought it was a good idea to goof off; she was fifteen years old, and with a brilliant mind. She liked to tinker with the family’s items, but she disliked the term “repair girl” that Nick sometimes jokingly called her. She preferred the term “mechanic”, as she often fixed or improved any item that was brought to her. She said there was “always something” that could be done to better any item, any piece of trash. Anything could be useful… except Violet’s ugly clothes, nobody could fix that disaster.

Violet was eleven months younger than Lilac, currently fourteen, though she was only a few inches shorter than her older sister. And though she shared her eldest sister’s knack for technology, was far more of an inventor than an upgrader. If you gave Lilac three random pieces of machinery, she could mix and match parts until each one was better. If you gave Violet three random pieces, she would combine them all into one and hope it didn’t explode, or just tear them apart and make something new entirely. While Lilac liked to improve on things, Violet preferred to create things out of her own mind. Whenever Violet was inventing or thinking hard, and her brain was whirling with levers, pulleys, and gears, she couldn’t be distracted by something as trivial as her hair, so when she was about four she learned how to tie it back with a ribbon. Lilac picked up the habit, too, though she used longer ribbons and was a bit more dramatic about it.

As the sisters worked on the basket, Violet said, “Klaus, Nick, at what angle are the prevailing currents?”

Klaus pulled out his book on the oceans, while Nick sat and thought for a while, trying to remember. At the same time, both answered, as Lilac and Violet nodded along and closed up the wood of the basket.

The twins were the next oldest- Nick and Klaus Baudelaire, the only boys. Though they were both twelve years old, Nick was thirteen minutes older than Klaus and would never let him forget it. Klaus and Nick did not share their sisters’ inventing skills- in fact, Klaus was absolutely useless with mechanics. The brothers loved to read instead. Nick dug into nonfiction books and scientific studies as soon as he could get his hands on them. He preferred books on the Natural World or Physics, but he wasn’t picky, he’d read anything he could find, and he could memorize those books faster than anyone would be believed possible; but as much as he loved reading, he often wished he could see all those things for himself, instead of just reading about them. Though he also had another past time, which was helping Violet test her inventions, usually by doing dangerous stunts that would scare Lilac and Klaus.

Klaus was also a reader, but he was much more comfortable just reading than experiencing; he often said that his siblings could abandon him in the library, and he could live there forever and never complain. He didn’t get as involved with hijinks as his siblings- he tended to spend most of his time in his room, studying or reading or spending time with his younger siblings, trying to see how fast he could get them to learn how to read with him. The exception was when he or Violet had an idea they both liked- such as today’s invention- and they would stay up all night working on it, which annoyed their siblings, as they were both insufferable while tired.

“Of course, we still need the right projectile.” Klaus said.

Nick leaned over and picked a rock up from the ground, turning to the infants. “Alright, girls, is this the right projectile?”

Soli and Sunny both considered, before Sunny said, “Goo-de-roo?” which probably meant, “Can you find a rock that’s not sandstone?”

Violet picked up a bigger rock, and passed it to Klaus, who passed it to Nick, who passed it to Sunny, who was a bit closer than Soli. While Soli giggled and clapped her hands, Sunny bit into the rock, making it much smoother.

The youngest Baudelaires were born much later than their siblings- Solitude, the older, had recently entered toddlerhood. She was the cheeriest of the Baudelaires, with a smile always on her face, no matter what trouble she was getting up to. She would have the same smile while succeeding in finishing a puzzle as she did when she was playing fetch with Nick- “fetch” being a word which here meant that he would throw whatever was closest to him and she would catch it and bite it. She liked to bite things, though not as much as the youngest Baudelaire.

Sunny was the smallest of her siblings, though size is not a guarantee of power. She could bite through anything that was given to her, even with only a few sharp teeth. She was still an infant, and often had to be carried places by her older siblings, usually Lilac or Klaus; when she needed to go somewhere she couldn’t crawl, she’d have to request one of them to move her. Both her and Solitude communicated exclusively in what sounded like incoherent babbles, though their siblings could understand them fine.

Sunny handed the rock back, and they all thanked their sister, before passing the rock to Lilac, who pulled some chalk out of her pocket and marked the rock with a white X . She stood, preparing to throw, before Klaus said, “Excuse me, Li, but why are you throwing with your left hand?”

Lilac paused. “I’m curious to see if I can skip the rock as far as I can with my left as I can with my right.”

“I don’t mean to criticize,” Klaus said, “But standard scientific method calls for stable systematics.”

Nick, sitting next to the infants, rolled his eyes and mimed yawning, which made the two youngest children erupt in giggles.

“I think Klaus is right,” Violet said, “You should use your standard right-handedness for the best effects.”

“If you say so.” Lilac shrugged, passing her rock to her other hand.

She knelt down, waved her arm a bit, and then threw the rock across the water.

They watched until it stopped skipping, disappearing into the water, and then they knelt down by the basket, with Violet and Klaus positioned on either side, and Lilac from the back, in case something went wrong. Nick grabbed Soli and held her up a bit, so she could see better.

“Ready?” Lilac asked.

“Ready.” Violet and Klaus said.

“Ready.” Nick said.

“Asill.” said Soli and Sunny.

Violet pulled a switch on the side of the basket, and a mechanical arm shot out, spreading far across the water, before the hand reached in, sensing something in the waves. It retracted itself before long, coming back and dropping the same X -marked rock that they had thrown into Violet’s hand.

Violet, Nick and Klaus all cheered, while Lilac smiled and breathed a sigh of relief that this invention hadn’t backfired horribly. Soli and Sunny both clapped and laughed, happy to see their siblings’ plan had succeeded.

“It worked!” Violet cheered.

“I never expected otherwise.” Klaus said.

“I wish Mom and Dad had seen it.” Lilac said. “They’d be very proud of you two.”

“It’s not like them to just send us off on our own.” Nick said.

“They just get back from a trip.” Violet said. “Maybe they needed to follow up on something today?”

“What would they need to follow up on that we couldn’t be there for?” Nick asked. “Maybe they’re just-”

Suddenly, Sunny said, “Gack!” and after a second, Soli said the same thing; this probably meant, “Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog!”

The six siblings turned, and saw that in the distance, far away from them on the misty shore, a tall figure was walking towards them. They stared for a moment, and then Nick stood up, lifting Solitude with him. Lilac moved forwards and grabbed Sunny, while Klaus moved to grab Violet’s arm, moving slightly behind her. The children stood, watching it get closer.

“Who do you think it is?” Violet asked.

“I don’t know,” Klaus said, “But they seem to be moving right towards us.”

“We’re alone on the beach,” Lilac said, “There’s nobody else they could be moving toward.”

Violet felt the smooth stone still in her hand, wondering if she should throw it at the figure.

“It only seems scary because of all the mist.” Nick said, as if reading Violet’s mind.

The figure finally came into view, and they recognized him.

“It’s Mr Poe.” Lilac said.

“From the bank?” Klaus asked.

Violet felt a bit bad about having prepared to throw a rock at him; he was one of their parents’ friends. As he approached, he coughed- which he did a lot- and then stopped in front of the children.

“Hello, Baudelaires.” he said.

They watched him for a moment, and then Lilac gave her siblings that look every oldest sibling gives their younger siblings at some point, the look that said, Don’t embarrass me, stop being rude.

“How do you do?” Violet asked.

“How do you do?” Klaus asked.

“Odo yow!” Sunny and Soli both said.

Nick stared at them. “You all sound like robots.” he said, before turning to Mr Poe. “It’s nice to see you, Mr Poe.”

“I’m doing fine, thank you.” said Mr Poe, in response to Violet and Klaus.

For a few seconds nobody said anything, and then Lilac said, “It’s a nice day.” Sunny made a noise that sounded like an angry bird, and Lilac glared at her, shushing her.

“Yes, it is a nice day.” Mr Poe said, before he added, “I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you children.”

The six Baudelaire siblings looked at him, before he finally continued.

“Your parents,” Mr Poe said, “Have perished in a terrible fire.”

The children didn’t say anything.

“They perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home.”

More silence. Lilac took her eyes off of Mr. Poe and placed her gaze on the ocean, wondering if this was some kind of awful joke.

“I’m very, very sorry to tell you this, my dears.”

He had never called them that before.

After another silent moment, Mr Poe said, “Perished means killed.”

“We know what perished means.” Klaus said, his voice breaking slightly as he gripped tighter onto Violet’s arm.

“The fire department arrived, of course,” Mr Poe said, “But they were too late. The entire house burned to the ground.”

“Our…” Violet said, her words catching in her throat.

“Mr Poe, are you…” Lilac began, glancing towards him, as if he’d meant to find some other children and accidentally happened upon them, “Are you sure?”

“Of course, children. I was sent to retrieve you, I am the executor of your parents’ estate; that means I will be handling their enormous fortune and figuring out where you children will go. When Lilac comes of age, the fortune will be yours, but the bank will take charge of it until you are old eno-”

“You’re lying.” Nick said suddenly.

“Nick!” Lilac glared at him reproachfully. “Don’t be-”

“You’re lying, you’re…” Nick backed up a bit, carrying Soli, who looked completely blank. “Our parents aren’t-”

Lilac passed Sunny to Klaus and immediately moved to her brother. “Nick, please.”

She placed her hands on his shoulders, and he looked towards her. “Li, he can’t be right. Right? He can’t be-”

“Nick. Nick, just calm down, okay? Nick, please…”

“Where are we supposed to go?” Violet asked quietly, almost inaudibly, to Mr Poe, as Nick kept shaking his head and backing up.

Mr Poe looked away from Nick, saying, “You’ll be staying with me until I can find you a suitable guardian.”

“A suitable guardian?” Klaus asked. They didn’t know of any relatives they had outside of their parents.

“Yes. Your parents’ will said you were to be raised as conveniently as possible by your closest living relative, so-”

“Mr Poe?”

They turned behind them, and the childrens’ hearts sank. Nick looked like he had broken down, and Lilac was hugging him close, staring at them with a sad look in her eyes, struggling to hold it together as her brother cried in her arms.

“Yes, Lilac?”

She looked at him sadly, and then said, “Can we see the house?”

They were silent on the drive over. It was a bit of a squeeze to get them all into Mr Poe’s car; Lilac sat in the shotgun seat, holding Sunny, while Violet, Klaus and Nick squeezed themselves in the back, seating Solitude on Nick’s lap. Nick had gone blank, staring out the window and refusing to respond to questions, only moving to grab Soli’s hand when she pressed up against him or to give Mr Poe a glare when he tried to start conversation. Violet and Klaus sat numbly next to each other, occasionally glancing at Lilac, as if wondering if she could tell them what to do. Lilac, meanwhile, responded carefully to each of Mr Poe’s sentences, holding Sunny close as the infant glanced around, a little confused; she was a bit too young to quite process what was happening.

They reached the house within minutes, and upon seeing it, all of the siblings felt a sinking feeling in their stomach.

It was… it was destroyed.

Violet got out first, opening the car and walking out in an almost trance-like state. Lilac went soon after, followed closely by Klaus and Nick, the former grabbing onto his brother’s free hand. Solitude and Sunny stared ahead, taking them even longer than their siblings to recognize that they were looking at the remains of their house.

The walls had all but crumbled, everything stained black with soot and ash. Windows were shattered, shelves had fallen, and almost none of the structure had remained; they couldn’t even tell where a room might’ve begun or ended.

Wordlessly, the siblings stepped into the rubble, despite Mr Poe, behind them, calling for them to be careful or to not step onto broken glass or that maybe their weight wouldn’t be supported. They didn’t care.

They made it to the room that used to be the Library, which they could only tell because of the remains of a fireplace, a ruined piano, and several broken shelves, books spilled onto the floor. Klaus and Nick stared at the burnt pages, while Violet made her way over to a broken grandfather clock she had spent hours of her life repairing and fixing and adding additions too; it was almost completely shattered. Lilac stared at the fireplace, holding Sunny with one arm and reaching out with the other to grab a silhouette portrait that had managed to survive the flames; all the other photos had been torn or burnt.

None of their belongings had survived; Violet found the remains of one of her microscopes, fused together in the heat of the fire, and Sunny had spotted one of her melted teething rings. Lilac had moved to the scorched cushion of their Mother’s favorite windowseat, and Nick had come across the shattered fragments of their Father’s brandy bottle. Klaus stared up at the destroyed bookshelves, unable to recognize any of his favorite books, and Solitude spotted what might be the remains of her favorite puzzle.

Mr Poe followed them in after a minute, and said, after a second, “I just want to assure you Baudelaires that you have absolutely nothing-”

“We have absolutely nothing.” Klaus echoed.

“-to worry about.” Poe finished.

“Ooh-roo!” Sunny said, attracting her siblings’ attention. She meant to say, “What’s that?”

She was leaning over in Lilac’s arms, staring down at an open drawer in an ashy desk; their Father’s desk, which they never touched due to both his express wishes and the fact that the paperwork they had swiped from the drawer bored them all immensely.

Klaus and Violet moved together, going to the drawer and peering in, surprised. Klaus reached in and pulled out what looked like some kind of odd item, maybe a cylindrical case? It had an odd-looking eye design on the top. But even as he pulled it out of the drawer, half of it burst into ash, making him jump back.

“Baudelaires, we really must get going.” Mr Poe said. “There’s an early banking day tomorrow, and hopefully we will be able to find you a suitable guardian then.”

Klaus flipped the cylinder over in his hands. The siblings crowded around him, staring down at it curiously. What was it, and why was it in their parents’ desk?

“Baudelaires? Come along.”

Slowly, they all turned to Mr Poe, and Klaus pocketed the cylinder. “Let’s go.” he said numbly, and slowly, they all walked out.

In the car, Mr Poe said, almost brightly, “Say goodbye, Baudelaires.”

Lilac refused to look, even as Sunny tried to spy the house out the window. Violet, Klaus and Nick turned to look out the back window, Solitude peering over the top of the seat as best she could.

“Goodbye.” Violet whispered. Nobody else said anything.

The second they were alone, Nick said, “You know what this is? Bullshit.”

Lilac jumped. “Nick! Language!”

They were sitting in a small, cramped room; two beds were in the corner, but neither were for them; they were for Mr Poe’s sons, Edgar and Albert, who were currently fighting with their parents over dinner. Two mattresses had been provided for them; it was supposed to be one for the boys and one for the girls, but they weren’t sure all four girls were going to fit on one mattress. The children hadn’t felt like dinner, so they’d respectfully skipped after Eleanora Poe had shoved a newspaper in their faces, the front page article being all about how their house had been destroyed and they were now orphans. (Great, so now everyone knew.)

“It doesn’t matter!” Nick yelled back, kicking a mattress. “It doesn’t matter!”

“Nick,” Lilac said, glancing at Solitude, who she was currently holding, “You’re scaring her.”

“I’m scaring her? Lilac, our parents are dead! We’re going to be shoved to the first person who might be related to us, and til then we have to sleep on the floor. We don’t have anything, our house is gone-”

“Nick-” Violet began, slowly placing Sunny on the mattress.

“And,” Nick said, “These are our only clothes now, and you all look horrible! I mean, Lilac looks like some kind of gothic nightmare, Klaus is a tiny professor… Violet, you look like you’ve been living above a store for five-year-old girls, Sunny’s a walking flower, and look at Soli! She looks like she’s gonna send a message on a bird.”

“Yawgnimeh.” Solitude said, which meant, “Detailed.”

“Look at you,” Violet snapped, “You look like a hipster.”

“Don’t fight!” Lilac said, standing inbetween them. “Nick, stop it, please. Look, we… we’re all a bit upset, okay? But we can’t take it out on each other. For better or worse, we’re all we’ve got now.”

They stared at each other, and then Nick sat on the mattress, staring blankly at nothing. After a second, Lilac sat next to him, still holding Solitude. Sunny crawled over, while Violet and Klaus sat on the floor.

“Are… are you sure this is really happening?” Nick asked quietly.

“Apparently.” Lilac said.

Solitude let out a whimper and put a small hand on Nick’s shoulder, while Violet said, “Maybe… maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe our new guardian will be… nice.”

“Nice? Vi, it doesn’t matter.” Nick said sharply. “Our parents just… our…”

Klaus glanced between his siblings, and then slowly pulled the mysterious cylinder out from his pocket.

“What do you think it is?” he asked, and the siblings turned to it, each secretly glad that they had a good change of subject.

“It looks like a case.” Nick said quickly, looking at it curiously. “Can I see?”

“Will you give it back?”

“Klaus, it’s not a fucking toy, it’s the last thing we have from our house.”

“Don’t say that in front of Solitude and Sunny.” Lilac reprimanded.

“I can say whatever I want.” Nick huffed as Klaus handed over the cylinder. He flipped it, and Soli and Lilac leaned over to see. “What’s that Eye that was on the top, before it broke?”

“I dunno.” Klaus said. “I don’t remember it well, I just remember that I’ve never seen it before. It was drawn pretty weird; I think it might be a symbol, but I can’t remember it from any of my books.”

“I don’t know it either.” Nick said, sounding disappointed. “Why do you think it split in half?”

“Pressure from the fire or smoke?” Lilac suggested quietly.

“But the other half?” Violet asked skeptically.

“Deciduous,” Soli said, which probably meant, “Can I bite it?”

“No!” Klaus yelled, grabbing it back. “You might break it!”

“Klaus!” Lilac said. “Be nice!”

“I’m not letting her break it!” Klaus said.

“Stop it!” Violet said quickly. “Guys, I know today was…” she choked herself off for a second, slight tears springing to her eyes, but she quickly shook her head to clear it and said, “I’m sorry. It’s… we’re all stressed, and angry, and… and sad, and tired, and I think we just… we need to sleep. Boys, can you take one of the kids with you? We won’t be able to fit.”

“We’ll take Soli.” Nick volunteered, grabbing her from Lilac.

“Glad you don’t play favorites.” Klaus muttered under his breath.

Sunny smiled for half a second, and then Lilac said, “Uh, they gave us some pajamas. You guys get changed, I can watch the… the kids.” she paused. “Hey, you know, if Edgar and Albert don’t mind, maybe we can… we can set up a blanket fort. Like we did the night before last. We can sit on some pillows and we- we don’t have the music box, but… we can sing, or-”

“I’d rather,” Klaus said quietly, “Just sleep for now, Li.”

Lilac paused, and then said, “Okay. Okay. We’ll just… go get changed, then. No more fighting, at least tonight, okay?”

Nobody bothered to answer, instead deciding to avoid each others’ eyes and go find the pajamas. Klaus placed the cylinder inbetween the mattresses, still staring at it carefully, and then after a second, he turned to Lilac.

“Li? Have you seen it before?”

Lilac glanced at it, and said, “No.”

What she didn’t say, was that while she couldn’t remember seeing it before, or the Eye on top, it looked… it looked familiar, somehow.

But she couldn’t say where she might’ve seen it before.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER THREE

in which a wild Count Olaf appears

“Good news, Baudelaires!”

Mr Poe had piled them all into his car again, and while Klaus played with the cylinder, Nick kept pointing out various objects on the street to Soli to try and entertain her, and Violet and Lilac both stared out the windows to try and pretend they were literally anywhere else.

As they all turned towards Mr Poe, he continued, “I’ve made arrangements for you to be raised by your closest living relative, who lives on the other side of town.” He stopped to cough for a moment, and then he continued, “His name is Count Olaf.”

The siblings all looked to each other, and after a second, Nick said, “Our parents never mentioned a ‘Count Olaf’ to us.”

“How is he related to us, exactly?” Violet asked.

Mr Poe sighed and turned a bend in the road. “He is either a third cousin four times removed, or a fourth cousin three times removed. In any case, he’s removed.”

“Does he really think that’s what ‘closest living relative’ means?” Klaus whispered to Violet.

“Mr Poe,” Lilac asked quickly, as he coughed some more, “If he lives so close, why didn’t our parents ever invite him over?”

“Possibly because he was very busy.” Mr Poe said. “He’s an actor by trade, and so he probably travels around the world with various theater companies.”

“I thought you said he was a Count.” Nick said.

“He is both a count and an actor.” Mr Poe said. “Which means he must be very busy, much like I am very busy, so I’m afraid this drop-off is going to be a bit hasty. ‘Hasty’ means ‘quickly’-”

“We know what ‘hasty’ means.” Klaus said, though Mr Poe didn’t hear him due to another fit of coughing.

“What should we say when we meet him?” Violet asked nervously.

“Hello, our parents just died.” Nick suggested.

“We are not saying that.” Lilac glared at him. “We’re gonna be polite.”

“What the hell is ‘polite’?” Nick smiled slightly. “Never heard of it.”

Lilac glared at him, but Klaus did laugh a little, which cheered up Nick quite a bit. No matter what shit they’d been through recently, at least he could still make his brother smile.

They drove down the street, passing the Fickle Fountain, where they used to play as children, and they passed an enormous pile of dirt where the Royal Gardens once stood. They all were very glad, though, that they didn’t pass the beach; they weren’t sure what they’d do if they had to look at Briny Beach again.

The car eventually pulled onto the street at the side of the house, and Poe parked. The Baudelaires all glanced out the window, their faces lighting up slightly. They saw what had to be the prettiest house on the block; the outside looked well-kept, the open windows held a lot of cared-for plants, and standing in the doorway was a smartly-dressed older woman, carrying several books under her arm.

“Hello there!” called the woman, coming down to meet them as they got out of the car. “Salutations! Shalom! You must be the Baudelaires.”

“Yes.” Violet said kindly.

“I’m Lilac Baudelaire,” Lilac introduced, gesturing at each sibling in turn, “These are my sisters, Violet, Sunny, and Solitude, and that’s Nick, holding Solitude, and my other brother Klaus.”

“This is Mr Poe.” Violet added, gesturing to the man getting out of the car and coughing. “He works at the bank.”

“Well,” the woman said, “I am Justice Strauss.”

“That’s an unusual first name.” Klaus said.

“‘Justice’ is her title, not her name, idiot.” Nick elbowed him with his free arm.

“Nick, be polite.” Lilac said forcefully through her smile.

“Yes, it’s alright to be confused, Klaus,” Justice Strauss said. “‘Justice’ is indeed my title; I serve as a judge on the High Court.”

“Fascinating.” Violet said. “Are you Count Olaf’s wife?”

“What?” Justice Strauss said. “Goodness, no. I don’t actually know him that well. He’s my neighbor.”

She gestured away, and the Baudelaires all looked to the house they would indeed be staying in.

The house was tall and grey, and looked like a gust of wind could knock it over. The windows were covered with broken shutters, and at the top of the house was a tall tower, its shadow falling over the lawn. The paint was peeling, the walls were caked in dirt, and the lawn looked like nobody had cared for it in years.

“Gah-ahc.” Solitude said, which probably meant, “Let’s sleep outside.”

“Oh.” Sunny said, meaning, “I don’t want to live there at all.”

“Well…” Violet turned hesitantly towards Justice Strauss, “It was nice to meet you.”

“Yes, it was very nice to meet you children.” Justice Strauss said. “Perhaps one day you could come over and use my Library or help me with my gardening.”

“That would be very pleasant, thank you.” Lilac said sadly.

“You have a library?” Klaus asked, fascinated.

“Come along, children.” Mr Poe said quickly. “I have a busy day I need to get to.”

The children said goodbye to Justice Strauss, and then walked over to the large, dark house. They went to the door, and Mr Poe knocked, saying, “I don’t know why he’s taking so long. He said he was very eager to get his hands on you.”

“Comforting.” Nick muttered under his breath, adjusting his hold on Soli.

The door creaked open, and the children stepped back slightly.

“Hello, hello, hello.” Count Olaf said.

He was very tall and skinny, dressed in a stained suit, and had one long eyebrow instead of two above his eyes. His eyes were very shiny as he stared at the siblings. They instantly felt a bit afraid, though they hoped that was just nerves.

“Hello, children.” he said. “I am Count Olaf, the renowned actor, and your new guardian. You’re welcome.”

They stared at him for a moment, before Lilac said, “Thank… you?”

“You’re welcome.” he repeated. “Please, come in, and wipe your feet on the mat so you don’t track in any mud.”

They stepped into the house, and Nick quickly leaned over to Klaus and whispered, “I don’t think this house could hold any more mud.”

Indeed, they now stood in the dirtiest room they’d ever seen. Though the light was dim- only shining through the few windows and one lightbulb above them- they could see everything in the room was absolutely filthy. Klaus leaned over and grabbed his brother’s arm, looking a little worried.

“This room looks like it needs a little work.” Mr Poe said optimistically.

Count Olaf gave Poe a strange look, and said, “Well, I realize it’s not as fancy as the Baudelaire Mansion , but perhaps, children, with a bit of your money, we’ll be able to fix it up, make it a bit nicer.”

Mr Poe coughed in surprise, and then said, “Count Olaf, the Baudelaire fortune is not to be used for such matters. In fact, it’s not the be used at all until the eldest comes of age.”

“Which one is the eldest?” Olaf asked.

Poe paused, glancing between Violet and Lilac. “Well, they’re twins, so I don’t believe it matters.”

“We’re the twins.” Nick said, gesturing to himself and his brother. “Lilac and Violet are not.”

“I’m the eldest.” Lilac said.

Count Olaf glanced at Mr Poe, and for a moment the children were a bit afraid he might hit him. Finally, he shrugged and glanced towards the children. “All right, then. Well, I hope I can prove myself to be the Father you never had.”

“We had a Father.” Klaus said.

“Yes, I know.” Olaf said. “And a Mother. Remarkable woman. Flammable.”

Lilac and Violet glanced at each other in confusion, while Sunny muttered, “Hmm,” leaning onto Lilac’s shoulder.

Olaf turned to Poe again. “Is there anything else you need?”

“Oh, no, I must be getting back to work.” Poe said. “Goodbye, children. I hope you will be very happy here, and you can always contact me at Mulctuary Money Management if you have any questions.”

“We don’t know where the bank is.” Nick said.

“Goodbye, Mr Poe.” Olaf said, almost pushing the banker out.

He shut the door, and as he did, the children noticed something. They looked down, and saw that Count Olaf wasn’t wearing socks, and as he moved, they could see an eye tattooed on his ankle.

It was the same eye that had been on top of the spyglass.

They all stared at each other in confusion, and then Olaf turned around, and said, “I’ll show you to your room, and then I will give you your first list of chores.”

“Chores?” Lilac asked.

“Yes, I am sure rich children like yourself have never done them, but it builds character.”

“We often helped around the house, actually.” Violet said, not mentioning that they were usually keeping everything the house functioning whenever their parents were away.

Olaf gave them a glare, and then gestured for them to follow him up the stairs.

Their room was very small, and only had one bed.

“Is this it?” Klaus asked, trying to sound polite.

“Oh, yes.” Olaf said. “I have provided you a bed and a pile of rocks. There is a box that used to hold a refrigerator in the corner you may amuse yourselves with. Now, I am very busy, so I will be in my tower room. You are not to go there under any circumstances.”

“What if there’s an emergency?” Lilac asked.

“You seem like smart children, you can figure it out.” Olaf said sharply. “What do you think?”

“I think…” Lilac said, surveying the room, “That…”

“First impressions are often wrong.” Violet finished. Lilac gave her a glare but didn’t say anything more.

“Yes, you could say that.” Olaf said. “For example, your first impression of me may be that I am standoffish and rude. But in time, I believe you’ll find me to be… much worse.”

He left, then, pushing past the crowd of children and shutting the door behind them.

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Nick said, “Well, I’ve got a good feeling about this.”

“Nick-” Lilac warned.

“No, really, he seems like a great guy.” Nick said, dropping Solitude on the ground and starting to wander around the room. “I mean, the house is falling apart, sure, but I’m sure it’s nothing. We probably won’t die the second a storm comes around. Oh, and I’m sure we can just find some rat traps lying around, I thought I saw a mouse on the way up.” He paused, glancing to the side, and then said, “Ooh, one bed, fantastic .”

“Nick, stop it.” Violet said sharply.

“We’re all a little upset.” Klaus said carefully. “But I… but complaining about it isn’t going to make things better.”

“ Nothing’s going to make things better.” Nick said sharply. “Look at this place!”

“We can fix it.” Lilac said. “I’m sure we-”

“How are we supposed to fix this ?”

“I don’t know.” Lilac admitted. “But there’s always something.” She took a deep breath, turning to all her siblings. “Listen. We’re here now, and it’s just us. It’s just us now, and we’re going to make things work.”

They all glanced at each other, waves of sadness coming off of all of them. It was a bit hard to think about any way to make anything work in such unfortunate circumstances.

Finally, Lilac said, “Vi, help me out. We’re gonna need more beds.”

“Some of us can sleep on the floor.” Violet said numbly. “We can take turns.”

“Maybe not.” Lilac said, pulling her ribbon off of her belt and tying back her hair. “But maybe we can try something else. If we cut that box in half, we could probably use those as two makeshift beds.”

Violet paused a moment, before also starting to tie her hair back. “Those curtains look long enough that we could cut one in half, make blankets for the boxes. The other curtain… we could hook it onto the wall, make a hammock. That’s four beds.”

“We need something for Sunny and Solitude.”

“There could be enough room for them to share the boxes.” Lilac said. “Who wants the bed?”

Nick took a quick break from watching his sisters in awe and walked over to the bed, kicking it slightly. “That feels harder than the floor.”

“I’ll take it, then.” Lilac said. “Klaus, you always said you wanted a hammock. Violet, would you and Nick take the boxes?”

“I can take Sunny, too.” Violet said. “Sunny, Soli, get to work on ripping the curtains and boxes.”

“Ee!” Sunny said, which meant, “We’re on it!”

“I’ll take the bed, if it’ll be too much trouble to-” Klaus began.

“It’s fine, really.” Lilac said. “You finally get a hammock! Help me set it up.”

Klaus took a deep breath, and then nodded, running off to help his sister, as Nick and Violet ripped down the next curtain to toss to Soli, and Sunny, now on the ground, crawled towards the box as fast as she could.

It wouldn’t be much, but it’d be something.

“Hey, maybe we could take off that wallpaper.” Violet suggested after they all worked for a few minutes, glancing at a part that had already peeled off.

“Be a bit of an uncomfortable blanket.” Lilac said.

“The curtains won’t be much better.” Violet shrugged.

Klaus turned slightly, smiling at Nick and saying, “It is so pleasant to be out in this great room and creep around as I please.”

While Soli and Sunny stared in confusion, Nick laughed, and Lilac and Violet also smiled slightly. Nick then continued, “For outside you have to creep on the ground, and everything is green instead of yellow.”

“The wallpaper’s not yellow, though.” Lilac noted, though she still smiled.

“Don’t be a spoilsport.” Violet said, before continuing the quoting from a short story the older children all enjoyed. “I’ve got out at last, in spite of you and Jane! And I’ve pulled off most of the paper, so you can’t put me back!”

As they laughed, she moved over to the tear of the wallpaper, and she grabbed onto the edge and ripped more of it down.

They all stopped laughing very quickly.

Behind the wallpaper was a large and ugly painting of an eye, matching the one on Count Olaf’s ankle, and on the cylinder they had found.

They fell silent, and slowly, Lilac said, “Let’s… leave the wallpaper up for now.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER FOUR

in which Nick and Klaus finally get into a Library

“Do you think if one of us died, the rest’d get transferred somewhere else?” Nick asked, hanging upside-down from the rotting couch. “I’ll take one for the team.”

“Nick, get off of that and help us dust.” Lilac said.

The children's brief hope that they might be able to make themselves feel at home here had been quashed quite fast. They’d only been there a few days, but they’d already begun to hate every part of the house; since they used the curtains as blankets, the sun shining through the window every morning woke them up incredibly early, which was not good for Lilac and Nick- especially since they couldn’t find a coffee machine, meaning that without her daily dose of caffeine, Lilac was grumpy for at least half the day.

It might’ve been a bit better if their new guardian had been kind, but, well, that didn’t seem to be the case. The only real good thing about him was that he wasn’t around often- he was usually out of the house or up in his tower room, where the children weren’t allowed to be. They occasionally saw him at nighttime, but they rarely tried to talk to him, as he seemed to not like them a lot, and Lilac mentioned feeling uncomfortable around him, and if Lilac didn’t like someone, it meant that her siblings hated them. The most communication they had with him were the list of instructions he would leave in the kitchen for them in the morning; he tended to leave them incredibly difficult chores, such as repairing the porch or cleaning out the chimney, but none of the children dared to find out what would happen if they failed to complete the list by nightfall, especially after his threats from the first day.

What infuriated the twins most, though, was that instead of signing his name at the bottom of the page, Olaf simply signed with the drawing of an eye.

The same drawing of an eye they saw everywhere.

“It’s like he’s taunting us.” Nick said, after remaining on the couch for another minute, pulling out the note and staring at the signature. “Like he knows we don’t know what it is and thinks it’s funny to throw it in our faces.”

“Do you want to ask him?” Violet asked, dropping her duster and walking over, snatching the note from her brother’s hands.

“Do you think he’d tell us?” Nick groaned.

“Shut up and help us.” Violet said.

“I am helping, I’m watching Sunny.” Nick said.

Sunny, who was too small to reach many places she’d have to while dusting the living room, had been placed on a couch, where her job was to look for insects and warn her siblings of them. She took her job very seriously, and she was still scanning the room, biting onto the edge of a stick they’d found for her in the yard. While Soli was also small, she was slightly larger than her sister, so she was allowed to crawl under tables and clear away cobwebs. Lilac and Violet were climbing on top of furniture to reach high places, while Klaus was mainly dusting the shelves; nobody really trusted him not to fall off of things.

“There’s nothing for me to do anyway.” Nick said.

“You could get started on the next room.” Lilac said.

“The note only said ‘living room.’” Nick shrugged. “Check it, Vi.”

“I know what it says.” Violet rolled her eyes.

“I know,” Lilac said, “But maybe… maybe if we show Olaf how hard-working we are, he’ll be a bit nicer to us.”

“Or maybe he’ll just give us more shit to do.”

“Nick, language.”

“I’m with Nick here, actually.” Klaus said quietly. “We should just do this room and get it over with.”

“Then what?” Violet asked. “What else do we have to do? We don’t have school.”

“I wish all our books didn’t burn up.” Klaus said quietly.

“Strau!” Soli called from beneath a table. “Justice Strauss said we could visit her anytime, and didn’t she have a library?”

“Hey, yeah, we could go there!” Klaus said.

“Look,” Lilac said, “She said we could go over, but we don’t want to bother her, she’s probably very busy, and we have chores to do. So, Nick, if you could get off your ass and help out a little, that’d be great.”

Nick rolled his eyes, but nodded, standing up and grabbing his duster off of the sofa. “Sunny, you’re watching yourself now.”

“Ooh.” Sunny said. “Cool.”

Nick wandered over to Klaus, watching as Soli crawled out from under the table and went to look under the couch. Once he was sure Lilac and Violet had stopped paying attention to him, he quietly asked his twin, “Do you still have it?”

“Of course.” Klaus nodded, reaching into his pocket to feel the cylinder. “Always with me.”

“I don’t want it to go missing.” Nick said. “It’s the only clue we have.”

“I’m well aware of that.” Klaus said. “Maybe we can find something about it. Maybe we could go into town and check the public library.”

“The public library sucks, Klaus,” Nick reminded him, “We’d be lucky to find anything in there.”

“It’s not that bad-”

“They don’t have anything more recent than twenty years ago, and the Librarian doesn’t say anything, other than asking me if I’ve been good to my Mother.”

Both boys fell silent at that.

“You’re right, I do remember that.” Klaus said.

“What the hell would we tell him now, anyway?” Nick sighed.

Quietly, they got back to cleaning, the conversation having turned a bit too upsetting for them at the moment.

The next day, however, the twins got their way, when they went down to the kitchen for their list of chores for the day. Violet, carrying Sunny, moved over to the pot on the stove first, grabbing cracked bowls from the counter so she could dish out their breakfast- Olaf always left them cold oatmeal, so at least they had some food for the day. Nick and Klaus went to set the table, the former carrying Soli, and Lilac grabbed the note, reading it over. She read it over quite a few times, as Violet finished dishing out food, and Klaus helped her carry it over to the table, leaving Nick to wrestle the napkins away from Soli, who had gotten bored and wanted to bite something.

When they were finally all sitting, Lilac read the note aloud.

“My theater troupe will be coming for dinner before tonight’s performance. Have dinner ready for all six of us by the time we arrive at seven o’clock. Buy the food, prepare it, set the table, serve dinner, clean up afterwards, and stay out of our way.”

“We don’t have any money.” Violet said quickly.

“There’s a small bag on the table.” Lilac said glumly, handing the note to Klaus. “I assume that’s got money. We’ll have to count it out to find out what we can afford.”

“None of us can cook for shit.” Nick said.

“Language.” Lilac said. “And I’m aware of that, we all know what happens when we try to make anything that’s not toast.”

“And sometimes we burn the toast.” Klaus said, smiling a little. “Do you remember, about a week after Soli was born, when we tried to make our parents breakfast-”

“And we got distracted by Nick trying to wake Soli just to spite her,” Lilac nodded, “And we burnt the toast.”

“Hmm?” Soli asked. “I don’t remember that.”

“That was before I liked you.” Nick said, grinning over at the toddler. “Remember? Took me six weeks, and then we were best friends.”

“You tried to throw her off the roof.” Violet reminded him.

“That’s just sibling bonding.”

“But anyway,” Lilac said, “Remember we tried to put it out, and we messed it up worse, and Mother and Father woke up smelling smoke-”

“And they ran down, and just saw us staring at the black toast like it was the biggest disappointment of our lives.” Violet giggled. “And they just laughed and laughed, and made us pancakes.” Sunny grinned a little at that; she loved pancakes.

“Yeah.” Klaus said. “But I think we can all agree the biggest disappointment of our lives is Nick.”

“Oh, you wanna go there, Baudelaire?” Nick asked, fake-glaring at his twin. “You really need to respect your elders.”

“We’re twins.”

“Yeah, but I’m older.”

“By thirteen minutes, that’s hardly-”

“Tagenon.” Sunny said quietly. “I wish we had pancakes, this oatmeal has no flavor.”

They fell silent, remembering the pancakes their parents used to make.

“I wish they were here.” Violet said quietly.

“They’d never let us stay in this awful place.” Lilac agreed.

“If they were here,” Klaus said softly, “We wouldn’t be here in the first place.”

“Klaus-” Lilac began.

“I hate it here, Lilac!” Klaus said suddenly, glaring down at the table, as Nick and Violet both jumped in surprise. “I hate this house! I hate our room! I hate having to do all of these chores, I hate Count Olaf-”

Lilac reached over the table to put a hand over her brother’s. “I know.” she said. “I hate it, too.”

Klaus looked over at his sister, his expression shifting quickly from anger to relief. Just hearing someone agree with him made him feel a lot better.

“I hate everything about our lives right now.” Lilac said. “But we have to keep our chin up, right?”

Klaus bit his lip. “It’s a bit hard right now, Li.”

“Well, there’s always something.” Lilac said. “We’ll find something. But first, we need to find out what to do about this whole ‘cooking’ thing.”

“We could find a cookbook.” Klaus said. “Read up on how to cook.”

“I don’t think there are any cookbooks in here.” Nick said. “Remember, Sunny and Soli went through the cabinets to look for bugs the other day.”

“There aren’t any books in this house.” Violet groaned.

“Don’t remind me.” Klaus said.

“We could go visit Justice Strauss.” Nick suggested.

They glanced at Lilac, who sighed. “I don’t see any other option.” she said. “Let’s hope she’s not busy.”

Justice Strauss wasn’t busy after all; she opened the door very quickly after Lilac knocked, smiling at the children. “Hello, Baudelaires!” she said brightly. They all greeted her, and she said, “I’m sorry, I’ve been meaning to visit the last few days, but I’ve been very busy with a high court case.”

“What’s it about?” Klaus asked, suddenly interested.

“I can’t say much,” the adult said, “Only that it involves a poisonous plant and illegal use of someone’s credit card.”

“Yeeka.” Sunny said from Klaus’s arms, which meant, “How interesting!”

“Justice Strauss,” Lilac asked, “I’m sorry, but do you have any cookbooks we could borrow? We’re preparing dinner for Olaf and his troupe tonight, and we can’t find a cookbook in the house.”

Justice Strauss looked surprised. “My goodness, cooking dinner for an entire theater troupe seems like a lost to ask of children.”

The kids got a bit quiet. “Count Olaf gives us a lot of responsibility.” Violet said finally.

“Well, come on in.” Justice Strauss said. “You can find any book you like.”

The siblings followed Justice Strauss into her elegant house, and they went through a hallway and into an enormous room that immediately delighted them all- especially Nick and Klaus, who both lit up upon seeing it. They had walked into her private library, and there were shelves of books from floor to ceiling, and more shelves throughout the room, and books scattered across the ground; the only places without books were the corners filled with chairs and tables.

“This is beautiful!” Violet said quickly.

“Wow!” Soli squealed.

“Lilac, can we live here?” Nick asked, only half-jokingly.

“Thank you all so much.” Justice Strauss said, smiling brightly. “I’ve been collecting for years. You can take any books you like, so long as you keep them in good condition.”

Klaus looked like all his dreams had come true at once.

“That’s very kind of you.” Lilac said.

“The cookbooks are on the Eastern wall.” Justice Strauss said. “Should I get show you?”

“Yes, please,” Lilac nodded, “And… if it’s not too much trouble, do you have any books on mechanical engineering?”

“Inventing is an interest of ours.” Violet said, gesturing between her and her sister.

“And do you have any books on wolves?” Klaus asked. “Recently I’ve been fascinated by wild animals of North America.”

“I’d be interested in more books on tide pools.” Nick admitted.

Soli and Sunny glanced at each other, wondering what books they could request. Finally, Soli just said, “Book!”

Justice Strauss smiled. “It’s a pleasure to see young people like yourselves show such an interest in books. Why don’t you find a recipe you like first, though?”

“That’s a great idea.” Lilac nodded, smiling.

They each took a cookbook from the shelf, moving to a small table. As they sat down, Klaus hesitantly looked over at Justice Strauss, and pulled the cylinder from his pocket. “Justice Strauss,” he asked, “Have you ever seen one of these?”

Justice Strauss looked at it curiously, and after a moment, Klaus handed it over to her to look at closer. “No, I can’t say I have. What is it?”

“It was… something our parents had. It broke in half, though.”

“Hmm.” Justice Strauss handed it back. “I’ll tell you what, I’ll see what I can find, and I’ll tell you as soon as I hear something.”

“I found something!” Violet suddenly said.

“What?” Klaus asked, turning and pocketing the cylinder.

“Pasta Puttanesca.” she said, holding up the cookbook she’d been flipping through.

“That sounds Italian.” Lilac noted.

“I wonder what it means.” Klaus said.

“I think it means ‘very few ingredients.’” Nick said.

“That’s great.” Lilac said, looking like she didn’t care at all.

Klaus considered a moment. “I don’t think that’s right.”

“I don’t think you’re right.” Nick retorted.

“Boys.” Lilac sighed, trying to remind them to behave in front of Justice Strauss. “Violet, what does the recipe call for?”

“All we need to do,” Violet said, as Sunny peered over her shoulder, “Is saute olives, capers, anchovies, garlic, chopped parsley, and tomatoes together in a pot, and prepare spaghetti to go with it.”

“That’s a lot of things.” Klaus said.

“Sounds easier than I thought.” Lilac said, as Soli picked up a random cookbook and started flipping through the pages, looking at the pictures of food. “We can copy the recipe onto scrap paper, so we won’t have this book in the kitchen with all the sauce, and then we can go into town to get the ingredients.”

“I’d be happy to go with you.” Justice Strauss said. “You children probably shouldn’t be wandering the local market by yourselves.”

Lilac hesitated. “Would that be a bother?”

“Of course not. I’d be perfectly happy to help you children.” Justice Strauss assured them.

The siblings smiled at each other, and then Lilac picked up Sunny, and Nick picked up Soli, and the eldest Baudelaire said, “Alright, then. Let’s go to the market.”

Count Olaf had not given the Baudelaires very much money, but they managed to buy everything they needed. Justice Strauss brought them to the local market, and they split up to cover more ground- Justice Strauss and Sunny bought olives at a street vendor, while Violet and Klaus picked up enough noodles for twelve people- the six members of the troupe plus the six of them- and Lilac, Nick and Soli went to the supermarket for the rest of the ingredients. While they were there, Lilac used the last of their funds to buy a pudding mix for dessert.

“Maybe Count Olaf will be a bit nicer to us if we go above and beyond.” she repeated, and Nick didn’t bother arguing with her, instead spending his time trying to entertain Soli, who found shopping quite boring.

The six children then walked home with Justice Strauss, and the two who were not holding infants- Violet and Klaus- carried their grocery bags. “Thank you again for helping us so much.” Violet said as they approached their neighborhood.

“Yeah,” Nick added, “We would’ve been so lost without you, none of us can fend for ourselves.”

“Nick, that’s a lie.” Lilac said.

“I’m thanking her.”

“I’m sure Lilac’s right,” Justice Strauss said, carrying her own groceries, “You seem like very intelligent people, you probably would have thought of something. Though it does still seem odd to me that Count Olaf has asked you to prepare such an enormous meal all by yourselves.”

“It’s alright, really.” Klaus said cautiously.

They stopped in front of Justice Strauss’s house, and she said, “Now, I hope you children will come over again soon! You can borrow any books from my library that you want-”

“Can we come over tomorrow?” Klaus asked.

Lilac elbowed him, but Justice Strauss just said, “Of course!”

“We can’t tell you how much we appreciate this.” Violet said.

She and her siblings then shared a quick look; they wondered if they were supposed to do something in return. They hadn’t had much interaction with adults outside of their parents and Count Olaf, the latter of whom treated them horribly.

“Tomorrow, before we use your library again,” Lilac said, “We could do some household chores for you.”

“Soli and Sunny can’t do much, but they could find some way to help.” Nick added, as Solitude leaned a head onto his shoulder.

Justice Strauss gave the group of children a smile, but they were a bit alarmed to see that she looked sad. She reached out to put a hand on Lilac’s shoulder, and Lilac felt more comforted than she had in a long while. “That won’t be necessary.” she said softly. “You children are always welcome in my home.”

The children smiled, and waved goodbye as Justice Strauss went into her own house.

“Well.” Nick said quietly. “Guess we better get started in the kitchen.”

“Hopefully nobody sets anything on fire.” Klaus said, his face falling slightly.

“Hopefully we get it done before Count Olaf and his troupe arrive.” Lilac said. “Come on, let’s get started.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER FIVE

in which the Dinner goes Badly

Even with six of them working, it took almost all afternoon to prepare the meal. The stove didn’t seem to be working right, so Violet and Lilac spent an hour finding the problem and fixing it before they could even begin preparations- it probably would’ve taken a shorter time if they hadn’t gotten into an argument about the best way to do it. Violet roasted the garlic and peeled the tomatoes, while Nick chopped the anchovies and Klaus cooked the pasta noodles. Soli was put in charge of pitting the olives, Lilac kept everything in a pot and made sure that both it and the stove were at the right temperature, and Sunny helped by banging on a pot with a wooden spoon, singing a rather repetitive song she had written herself.

“I think we’ve got everything for the pasta.” Lilac said, just as she took out the pudding mix and put it into a separate pot.

“You know what?” Violet said. “I think Mother and Father would be proud of us. We cooked our own food.”

“Probably should’ve learned to do it a while ago.” Lilac said. She bit her lip, pushing a small braid behind her ear, and then she said, “Do you all remember when Father tried to teach the twins to cook quesadillas-”

“And we burnt them, just like we burnt the toast.” Nick nodded.

Lilac smiled slightly. “Do you remember what Father said then?”

“They were better than nothing.” Klaus nodded.

Lilac shrugged. “Maybe… maybe we can make this our home after all. It’s not much, but it’s-”

“Better than nothing.” Violet nodded.

They were silent a moment, and then Lilac said, “Do you think Count Olaf will be back soon?”

“His note didn’t give a time.” Klaus said. “I hope it’s not after we go to bed.”

“You don’t think he’d sleep-deprive us, do you?” Violet asked.

“If he and his troupe are late,” Lilac said simply, “We’ll just switch out who’s downstairs to serve food and clean up. We can go in pairs, and Solitude and Sunny can stay upstairs.”

“We’ll miss out on pudding, though.” Nick said.

“Cool, nobody cares.” Violet shrugged.

Nick gave her a shove, and Violet shoved him back, and soon the two of them were laughing and chasing each other around the kitchen. Though she was smiling, Lilac called, “Now, be careful! If you knock over a pot, I’m going to have to kill you!”

“Fight! Fight!” Solitude cheered from the spot on the counter she sat on, beside Sunny, who also started giggling and clapping.

Nick and Violet eventually got Klaus in on the game, and they ran out to the living room, which had more space to chase each other. Lilac watched them for a while, not really wanting to run very much, before going back to Soli and Sunny and entertaining them with a clapping game until it was time to put the pudding in the fridge to cool.

Just as she closed the fridge door, she heard a loud boom as the front door was flung open. She jumped as she also heard voices from the direction of the hall, and she hesitantly turned towards the infants on the counter. “Well, we better say hello.” she said half-heartedly. She glanced in the direction of the living room, wondering if she should retrieve her siblings, but… well, they’d come out if they heard the noise, there was no sense gathering them all up just to greet their guardian. (She tried to ignore the nagging voice in her head that reminded her of how they all used to listen quietly on the days their Mother and Father would return home from long trips, waiting for the door to open, and then they’d all burst down the stairs and fling themselves at their parents, not willing to spend another second away from them.)

Quietly, Soli raised her arms out, and Lilac picked her up. Soli put her head on her older sister’s shoulder, and Sunny crawled back over to the pots she’d been playing with so that she could put them away somewhere.

Lilac, still carrying her sister, wandered towards the source of the voices, which were getting louder and louder- and not just because she was getting closer to the foyer. She stepped out, scanning the group Count Olaf had brought home with him, and she started to feel her heart pounding in her chest.

Count Olaf’s troupe of actors looked very loud and somehow already very drunk. The girls saw a bald man with a very long nose, two women with bright white powdered faces, someone who looked like neither a man or a woman, and a man with two hooks at the end of his arms instead of hands. Lilac stared at the hooks a moment, before finally spotting Count Olaf in the middle of the group, telling some story that they all found hilarious. Lilac stayed silent a moment, both her and the very nervous Soli wondering if they could potentially go back into the kitchen and avoid notice. Unfortunately, at the moment that Lilac thought she could dare to turn around and retreat, one of the troupe members spotted her.

She shrunk under the stare of one of the white-faced women, who said, “Olaf, is that one of the orphans you were telling us about?”

Lilac carefully tightened her hold on Soli as the troupe turned to look at her, hoping to make both of them look smaller; meanwhile, Soli just shot a dark glare back that probably would’ve been scary if it wasn’t on the face of a toddler. Olaf gave them a look that unnerved Lilac quite a bit, and he simply said, “Yes. They are so awful I can scarcely stand to see them.”

“Emas.” Solitude spat. “Right back at you.” Lilac was much too scared to lecture her at the moment, and she could only hope none of the troupe understood her. And while the Hook-Handed Man did look a bit surprised at the toddler’s words, he didn’t say anything, so maybe he was just confused at her unique way of speaking.

“Didn’t I tell you to stay out of our way?” Olaf said, giving Lilac a dark look.

Lilac struggled to find words for a moment. “Um… I just wanted you to know that dinner is almost done.”

“It better be. We’ll be in the dining room.” Olaf said. “Bring us our meal and then find somewhere to be until we need you to clean up.”

Lilac nodded stiffly, and the troupe started filtering around her, heading towards the dining room. As Soli pressed herself closer to her sister, all Lilac could think was that she was very, very hopeful that her siblings had not taken their game of tag out of the living room, and that they were being a bit more quiet.

As the troupe passed her by, the bald man stopped and stared her in the eye. Lilac spent a good few panicked seconds wondering if it’d be better to stare back or to look away, he reached out and took his face in his rough hands.

“You’re a pretty one,” he said, and Lilac shivered quite a bit, “If I were you, I would try not to anger Count Olaf, or he might wreck that pretty little face of yours.”

Soli leaned forwards, as if to bite his hands, but he retracted them before she could reach him, and followed the rest of the troupe. The toddler glared at him as he left, and then she turned back to her sister. “Lilac?” she asked, alarmed to see that the teenage girl was completely frozen.

Lilac didn’t move for a very long while, and then she hugged Soli a bit tighter, and turned on her heel, slowly making her way back to the kitchen.

When she got back, her siblings were leaning over the counter, chatting amongst themselves, while Sunny leaned against Violet, trying to get her to pick her up.

“Lilac!” Klaus noticed her first, turning. “Did you see the troupe? We spotted a few of them going into the dining room, and we came back here-”

“One of them has hooks for hands!” Nick added, looking excited. “Isn’t that insane? I want hooks fo- Lilac? Are you okay?”

Her siblings’ faces all fell as they saw her obvious discomfort. “Hey?” Violet picked up Sunny before stepping a bit closer. “Li? Something wrong?”

Lilac didn’t respond, not entirely sure what to say, instead choosing to stare at the wall. That didn’t stop her siblings; they rushed over, and Klaus put a hand on her shoulder as he reached her first. Nick and Violet slid to a stop behind him, and Nick said, “Lilac! Are you okay?”

“I…” Lilac began.

Soli quickly said, “Dlab!” which meant, “One of the members of Count Olaf’s troupe said something that scared her.”

“What-?” Violet began.

“We need to serve dinner.” Lilac sharply cut her off, suddenly moving fast. She shoved Solitude into Nick’s arms, and then went over to the pot.

“Lilac!” Nick began.

“I’ll get the sauce.” Lilac said. “Klaus, you get the pasta. We’ll bring out the pudding later.”

“Lilac, wait-” Klaus said.

“Let’s just go.” Lilac said, grabbing the pot of sauce. “Let’s get these into bowls, and give them their stupid dinner.”

They were all silent for a moment, before the younger siblings looked to Violet. Violet stared after Lilac a moment, looking incredibly worried, but after a moment, she said, “Okay. We can talk about this later, let’s just get this over with.”

Slowly, Klaus went to the pot of pasta, and Nick found some large bowls in a cabinet for them to use. Then Lilac took the bowl of sauce and a large ladle, and Klaus took the bowl of pasta, and Violet and Nick readjusted their holds on their younger sisters, who both seemed very confused by the sudden tense atmosphere, and they walked out into the dining room.

The theater troupe was sitting at a long table, with Count Olaf at the head, engaged in some story that the children didn’t bother listening to. Lilac went down one end with the sauce, Violet trailing at her heels, and Klaus going down the other side of the table with the noodles, Nick following. They all very much hoped that the troupe wouldn’t care whether they got sauce or noodles first, but they all seemed to be listening to Olaf, so they barely even noticed the children. Olaf himself was very engrossed in his story, so when Lilac approached him, he barely glanced at her before waving her on, and so she and Klaus finished serving the rest of the troupe before making their way back to him.

Slowly, Violet peered over at Lilac, who had her face set in a look of concentration, refusing to meet anybody’s eye. Sunny leaned against Violet’s shoulder, opening her mouth to ask what was wrong with her, before realizing she should probably be quiet; Count Olaf did not seem like the type to like interruptions. Meanwhile, Nick and Klaus kept sneaking their sisters glances, while Soli kept looking between each member of the troupe, as if trying to assess their threat level, trying to determine if any of them would say anything cruel to Lilac again.

When they did get back to Count Olaf, he finally stopped talking, and he looked down at the bowl of pasta sauce, his expression unreadable.

Before Lilac could start dishing out sauce, he simply said, “Where’s the roast beef?”

The siblings all glanced at each other, feeling very confused. “The what?” Lilac finally asked, doing her best to sound respectful but not succeeding very much.

Count Olaf gave her an annoyed look, as if she’d just asked the dumbest question in the world. “The roast beef.”

“We didn’t make any roast beef.” Violet said sharply, shifting Sunny slightly in her arms while Lilac adjusted her hold on her bowl of sauce. “We made puttanesca sauce.”

“And pasta.” Klaus added, holding his own bowl. “Violet and Lilac fixed the-”

“What? No roast beef?”

“You didn’t say anything about roast beef.” Nick said, and Soli muttered something similar under her breath. “You should’ve said something on the note if you wanted that.”  

Olaf stood up sharply, causing the Baudelaires to jump. “You expect my troupe to eat this disgusting meal?”

The troupe, who’d started eating already, stopped to watch what was going to happen next. The Baudelaires fell silent, with Violet, Solitude and Klaus turning to look at each other in confusion, and Lilac, Sunny and Nick glaring at their guardian.

Count Olaf looked between them, and then said, “In agreeing to adopt you, I became your father, and as your father, I am not someone to be trifled with.”

If looks could kill, Nick would have murdered Olaf right there.

“I demand that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests.”

“We don’t have any!” Lilac said.

“Where are we supposed to get roast beef?” Nick added.

“We made puttanesca sauce.” Violet added.

“Vanukas.” Sunny said. “And Chocolate Pudding for desert.”

Count Olaf stared at Sunny for a moment, looking as if he’d temporarily forgotten she’d existed. Then, in a flash, he reached out and grabbed the baby, taking her before Violet could even react. “Sunny!” Violet yelled, shocked, as Olaf held her up. Sunny immediately started crying, staring down at the cold ground.

“Put her down!” Nick yelled, starting forwards as Soli also started to cry, her eyes glued on her younger sister.

“Sunny!” Klaus and Lilac both yelled, too.

Count Olaf barely looked at them as he held their crying baby sister higher. He seemed about to drop her, before he simply placed her on the table, pushing her farther away from him. Violet made a move to go grab her, only to stop when she remembered the Henchpeople were still at the table, still doing nothing more than reacting to the show in front of them. Soli calmed slightly upon seeing her sister relatively safer, but she still whimpered and leaned more into Nick, who held her closer, as if someone might try to take her, too. Klaus moved his gaze from Sunny to the floor, glaring down and trying to hide how upset he was. Lilac just stared ahead like she had in the kitchen, like her mind had gone somewhere else, tears springing to her eyes.

“We’re leaving.” Count Olaf said then.

“But the baby said there was chocolate pudding.” said the Hook-Handed man, though nobody really paid attention.

“Children, you are to clean the table and then go straight to your beds.”

Klaus suddenly looked up, snapping, “You mean our bed! You’ve only provided us with one bed!”

Everything suddenly seemed very quiet, as everyone looked from Klaus to Olaf to see what would happen next. Count Olaf didn’t even look at Klaus, instead simply saying, “If you would like another bed, you may go into town tomorrow and purchase one.”

“You know perfectly well we haven’t any money.” Klaus said.

“Klaus…” Lilac began, feeling very anxious at that moment.

“Of course you do.” Count Olaf said, his voice raising slightly. “You are the inheritors of an enormous fortune.”

“That money,” Klaus recited, “Is not to be used until Lilac is of age.”

It took the Baudelaires a minute to process what happened next, it occurred so fast. In one quick movement, Count Olaf turned and struck Klaus across the face. Klaus fell to the floor, barely inches from crashing into the wall, his face feeling as if it was on fire.

There was a moment of silence, as everyone stared in shock. The Henchpeople recovered first, all slowly standing up, preparing to leave, muttering to themselves.

Lilac was the first of the siblings to react, as the bowl of sauce fell from her hands, clattering to the ground and spilling. She raced forwards, kneeling next to her brother, placing herself inbetween Klaus and Olaf should he try to hurt him again. She didn’t look at her guardian, though, instead keeping her eyes on her brother, feeling terrified. Violet stared in shock, almost unable to move, not quite understanding what had happened.

Count Olaf barely glanced at Klaus, instead saying, “We have rehearsal to get to.”

He started to leave, but didn’t get out of the room before Nick finally recovered from his initial shock. He suddenly ran to the table, placing Solitude next to Sunny, before yelling, “Hey! How could you?”

“Nick!” Lilac turned, her eyes widening in horror, certain she was about to see Nick do something dangerous. She was right.

When Olaf didn’t turn around, Nick ran up after him, while Violet finally ran to Klaus. “That’s my brother! You can’t just hit him-”

He raised a hand as if to push Olaf, to make him aware that Nick was behind him, furious at him for daring to hurt his twin. Olaf, however, simply turned and grabbed the boy’s arm before his hand could make contact. Nick froze, Count Olaf’s cold fingers shocking him, his grip tightening to the point where it hurt.

“I’ll do much worse than that.” Olaf said darkly, before dropping Nick’s arm and finally leaving.

As soon as he was gone, Soli and Sunny crawled over to the edge of the table, staring at Klaus, who hadn’t moved since he hit the floor. Nick was frozen for a second too, shock and fear holding him in place. Then he turned, running and sitting next to his older sisters, the three of them surrounding their brother.

“Klaus? Are you okay?” Lilac asked carefully.

“No!” Klaus snapped, looking up, tears in his eyes. They all jumped, and after a  moment, Klaus just said, “This isn’t!”

“Isn’t what?” Violet asked.

“Better than nothing.”

They were silent for a moment, and then Violet hugged Klaus tightly, and they all started crying with him.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER SIX

in which the Baudelaires are Cast in a Play

“We should leave.” Nick said quietly.

It was the morning after the incident at dinner; the children hadn’t been able to do much more than cry and clean up before crashing onto their makeshift beds. But now that they were awake, and slightly calmed from the frightening events of the night before, they had time to talk. At the moment, the twins and Lilac were sitting on their bed; while Nick held his brother’s hand, Lilac was checking over Klaus’s face, where it looked like a bruise was forming.

“And go where?” Violet asked bitterly; she was sitting on the floor, both Soli and Sunny crowded onto her lap, the toddler pulling Sunny’s hair into a small ponytail.

“Anywhere.” Nick said. “Anywhere’s better than here. They hurt Klaus.”

“Look, I… I know they did,” Lilac said, looking at Klaus’s bruise again, “I know how… how dangerous Olaf and his friends are.” she glanced away, her hands shaking slightly. “They’re horrible.”

Quietly, Klaus said, “I’d rather take my chances on the streets than live here a moment longer.”

“We’re not going to do that.” Lilac said simply, pulling a strand of hair behind her ear that had fallen from her ribboned ponytail; she hadn’t had time to put in her braids yet. “Who knows what could happen to us on the streets? At least here we have shelter and food.”

“I wish our fortune could be used now, instead of when you come of age.” Violet said sulkily.

“We could buy a castle and live in it,” Klaus said wistfully.

“With armed guards patrolling outside to keep out Olaf and his troupe.” Nick added.

“We could have an inventing studio,” Violet said. “Filled with gears and pulleys and wires and an elaborate computer system.”

“And we could have a huge library.” Klaus said. “Like Justice Strauss’s.”

“Gibbemus!” Sunny said. “And we could have lots of things to bite!”

“Well,” Lilac said, “That’s not going to happen.”

“We could ask Justice Strauss to adopt us.” Nick said.

“We can’t just ask her to adopt us.” Lilac said. “Adoption isn’t an impulse decision, Nick.”

“We could go to Mr Poe.” Violet said.

“He’s not going to do shit, Vi.” Nick snapped.

Sunny raised a small hand. “Caedis,” she said, which meant, “We could just kill him.” Soli giggled at that.

“Sunny!” Klaus said.

“Hmm. His troupe would notice.” Nick said.

“So we’d need no witnesses.” Lilac said, smiling slightly; it was nice to have a bit of a joke at the time.

“Funus.” Soli laughed. “I could hide the body.”

“How do you know how to do that?” Klaus asked, concerned. Soli shrugged and giggled again, and Nick laughed with her; Klaus wasn’t sure whether this was an inside joke or some other humor he didn’t understand. Lilac seemed to find it funny, though, and even Violet chuckled slightly.

“Well, anyway,” Violet said, “Mr Poe said we could talk to him at the bank if we had a question.”

“We don’t have a question, we have a complaint.” Klaus said reluctantly.

“Who else are we supposed to talk to?” Violet said. “Mr Poe’s in charge of us. If he knew about how horrid Olaf is being to us, he’d probably get us out of here.”

They all thought for a moment about getting to go somewhere else, far away from Count Olaf, and they all nodded. “Okay.” Lilac said. “Let’s get our chore list done, and then find the bank.”

Their chore for the day turned out to be chopping firewood, but Olaf had only provided them two axes. Lilac and Violet took charge, tying back their hair and chopping the provided wood as fast as they could, while their siblings piled everything up. They finished rather quickly, and then Lilac picked up Sunny and Nick picked up Soli and they made their way towards the banking district of the city.

It took them several hours to reach the district and comb through the wide streets and different banks that all looked incredibly similar. When they finally found Mulctuary Money Management, they had to push through a crowd of busy, disinterested adults until they finally found someone who gave them directions to Poe’s office.

“Hello, Baudelaires!” Poe said, a bit puzzled as he looked up from his desk. It was covered in papers, three telephones with flashing lights on the top. “Please come in.”

Lilac stepped inside, dropping Sunny onto a large chair. She gestured for Nick to do the same, but he just glared at her and adjusted his hold on Solitude, who was playing with the hem of his sweater.

Poe coughed into his handkerchief as Violet and Klaus also wandered in, Violet putting her hand on her brother’s arm in some form of comfort. “I’m very busy today,” he said, “So I don’t have much time to chat. Next time, you should call ahead of time when you plan on being in the neighborhood-”

“We don’t know your number.” Nick said.

“Don’t interrupt, Nicholas.” Poe said.

“Nick.”

“Yes, that’s what I said.”

“We’re afraid it’s an urgent situation.” Lilac said.

“Count Olaf is a madman.” Klaus said quickly. “We can’t stay with him.”

“He hit Klaus.” Violet said. “See his bruise?”

Just as Violet spoke, one of the phones rang, and Poe quickly answered it, saying, “This is Poe. What? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Thank you.” He hung up the phone, then looked up. “I’m sorry, what were we talking about?”

“He has only provided us with one bed.” Lilac said.

“He makes us do a great many difficult chores.” Nick added.

“He drinks too much.” Violet said.

“He calls us orphans.” Klaus said.

“He has horrible friends.” Lilac shuddered.

“For!” Soli called. “He’s clearly after our money!”

“Poko!” Sunny yelled. This didn’t mean anything, she just felt left out of the conversation.

Poe put up his hands, looking a bit tired. “Children, children.” he said. “Now, I’m sorry you didn’t have a good first impression of your guardian, but you must give yourselves time to adjust to your new home. You’ve only been there a few days-”

“We’ve been there long enough!” Nick said. “We’re going to-”

Poe sighed. “Are you familiar with the Latin term ‘in loco parentis’?”

They all looked to Klaus, who thought carefully. “Something about trains?” he guessed.

Poe shook his head. “It means, ‘acting in the role of parent,’ and it is a legal term that applies to Count Olaf. Now that you are in his care, the Count may raise you using any methods he sees fit. I’m sorry if your parents didn’t make you do chores, or if you never saw them drinking alcohol, or if you like their friends better than Count Olaf’s, but these are things you must get used to-”

“But he hit Klaus!” Violet said.

“Just look at his face!” Nick shouted.

As they spoke, Poe pulled out his handkerchief and coughed quite a lot.

“Did he hear us?” Violet asked quietly, sounding upset. Nick just shrugged and huffed, and in his arms, Soli copied him.

“Well, whatever Count Olaf has done,” Poe said, putting down his handkerchief and picking up a pencil to get to work on one of the papers, “He has acted in loco parentis, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Your fortune will be protected by myself and by the bank, but Count Olaf’s parenting methods are his own businesses. Now, I hate to usher you out posthaste, but I have very much work to do. ‘Posthaste’ means-”

“It means you’ll do nothing to help us.” Lilac finished for him. Her siblings were alarmed to see was shaking again, this time from anger. She spun on her heel and walked away, leaving Klaus to pick up Sunny from the chair, and the siblings quickly followed her out.

When they got outside onto the street, Klaus asked, “What are we going to do now?”

Lilac didn’t answer immediately, instead staring up at the sky.

“Lilac?” Violet asked.

“Let’s go back.” Lilac eventually said. “Perhaps we’ll think of something there. We can’t do much thinking in such a loud city.”

“What’ll we do when we get there?” Klaus asked shakily, slipping his hand back into Violet’s.

“We’ll think of something. Nobody’s going to hurt you again.” Lilac promised. “Come on. Let’s just try to avoid Olaf and find something to occupy ourselves.”

“Can we stop by Justice Strauss’s and get books?” Nick asked quietly.

“Yes,” Lilac said, “But you’re not gonna say anything about adoption.”

“Fine.”

Unfortunately, the children didn’t get to see Justice Strauss’s library again as soon as they'd like. As they approached the house, they were very surprised and quite unnerved to see Count Olaf waiting on the porch. Lilac and Klaus both stiffened, and Sunny leaned in closer to her brother, as if she could shield him herself.

They stared a moment, and then Lilac whispered, “Just. Go up to the house. Try to play nice.”

“Play nice?” Nick asked. “Lilac, I really just want to sock him in the face!”

“Play nice, so nobody else gets hurt.” Lilac said, her voice alarmingly panicked. “Nick, Violet, you say nothing. Klaus, don’t speak unless spoken to, cut the bluntness. Soli, Sunny, play cute.”

“No.” Soli said, crossing her arms.

“Please.” Lilac’s voice broke slightly, and she started walking ahead. “Please, just play nice for a little while, we can bitch about him as soon as he’s out of earshot.”

Quietly, Violet said, “Okay.”

“Violet-” Nick began.

“Just be nice for a little bit.” Violet said, glancing at Klaus’s bruise again. “Just a little. Shut up and follow Lilac’s lead.”

Nick hesitantly nodded, clutching Soli a bit tighter, and they all walked up to the house.

When they got to the porch, Count Olaf simply said, “Children, I’d like to speak to you in the dining room.”

Klaus stiffened again, and Sunny glared at their guardian, clenching her tiny fists. Nick slowly stepped towards his brother again, while Violet glanced over at Lilac concernedly. Lilac just stared at their guardian a moment, as if trying to figure out exactly what he was trying to do to them. Then she just nodded, and he turned to walk into the house, and the children followed.

In the dining room, he’d spread out several small cupcakes, raspberries placed on top. The children suspiciously eyed them as they sat, wondering if they might be poisoned.

“I made these for you.” Olaf said, once again taking a seat at the head of the table.

“Ee-yee.” Sunny huffed. “They’re clearly store bought.”

Choosing to ignore her a moment, the children mumbled “Thank you”s. Nick kept staring at the cupcakes as if they might explode, and Count Olaf seemed to notice, because he simply smiled and picked up one of the raspberries, eating it. “Aren’t raspberries delicious?” he said. “They were my favorite berries when I was your age.”

“We’re all different ages.” Violet said, struggling to think of Count Olaf as a youngster.

There was a tense silence for a moment, as Lilac took a deep breath, trying not to shoot a glare at Violet and attempting to look as small as possible. Count Olaf looked to Violet a moment, his face unreadable, and then he sat back in his chair.

“Well,” Count Olaf said, “I received a phone call from Mr Poe, not ten minutes ago. He told me you children had been to see him.”

The children exchanged fearful and annoyed glances with each other. They had rather hoped their visit would be taken in confidence.

“Mr Poe told me,” Olaf continued, “That you appeared to have some difficulty adjusting to the life I have so graciously provided for you. I am very sorry to hear that.”

Klaus reached his hand under the table to grab Sunny’s, as Nick and Violet glanced towards Lilac. She was staring at his face, which looked very serious, except for his eyes, which were shiny and bright, as if he was telling a joke.

“We’re sorry Mr Poe bothered you.” Lilac said carefully.

“I’m glad he did.” Olaf said, and Sunny wrapped her small hand around one of Klaus’s fingers, squeezing tight. “I want you six children to feel at home here, now that I am your father.”

Nick started. “You’re not-”

Lilac slapped a hand over his mouth, struggling to hide her own look of disgust. “Sorry about him.” she said quickly. “Never knows when to shut up.”

Violet and Klaus exchanged a look, also horrified at the idea of Olaf replacing their father, and Sunny and Soli stared hard at the ground.

Olaf ignored them all a moment. “Lately, I believe I may have been a bit ‘standoffish.’”

“Standoffish” was not a word the children would use to describe Count Olaf. Lilac would have been more inclined to use “pure evil” had she not been worried something might happen to her siblings if she did.

“Therefore,” Olaf said, “I’d like to give you children a gift. I’d like to have you participate in my next play. Maybe if you understood my work- our work- you’d be less likely to run off complaining to Poe.”

“Participate?” Klaus asked, wondering what horrible tasks he’d force them to do.

“The play,” Olaf said, his eyes shining again, “Is called The Marvelous Marriage, and it is written by the great playwright, Al Funcoot.”

Nick and Klaus exchanged a look. Neither of them had ever heard of such a playwright.

“We will give only one performance, tomorrow night.” Olaf continued. “It is about a very brave, intelligent, handsome man, played by me. In the finale, he marries the young, beautiful woman he loves, in front of a crowd of cheering people. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

None of the children responded. Lilac much preferred tragedy and horror stories, Nick could barely stand romances at all, Soli and Sunny were too young to quite understand the appeal, and even Violet and Klaus, who liked romantic tales with happy endings, felt they didn’t know enough about the play to have an opinion, although they assumed they would not like any play that Olaf enjoyed.

“You, boys, will play the part of the cheering people in the crowd. The young infants will also be there.”

“What will Violet and I do?” Lilac asked, starting to feel a glimmer of excitement. “May we build the sets?”

“Oh, yes.” Violet nodded, her eyes lighting up at the prospect.

“Build the sets? Heavens, no.” Count Olaf said, his eyes fixed on Lilac. “A pretty girl like you shouldn’t be working backstage.”

“But I’d like to.” Lilac said. “Violet and I are very mechanically minded.”

Count Olaf raised his one eyebrow slightly, and Lilac shrunk back a little. Then, calmly, he said, “You, Lilac, will have a very important role onstage. You are going to play the young woman I marry.”

Lilac paled, her stomach churning as if she had indeed been poisoned. She stared at the wall again, blanking for a moment, as Count Olaf continued to talk. “It’s a very important role, although you will have no other lines than ‘I do,’ which you just have to say when Justice Strauss asks you if you will have me.”

“Justice Strauss?” Violet asked, shocked.

“Yes.” Count Olaf nodded. “I decided it was a good idea to be neighborly, especially since she’s been so neighborly to you children, so I asked her to participate and play the judge who officiates the ceremony. Violet, you’ll be her maid of honor. You don’t have to say anything, just stand beside her and look pretty.” Violet flinched.

“Count Olaf,” Lilac began.

“What was that?” he turned to her.

Lilac stared at the wall again so that she didn’t have to meet his eyes. “Father,” she said, ignoring Nick flinch beside her. “I’m not sure I’m talented enough to perform professionally. I’d hate to… hate to disgrace your good name, and the name of Al Funcoot, and… I’ll be very busy learning how to make roast beef.”

Slowly, Count Olaf got to his feet, walking around so he was standing beside Lilac, and he reached forwards and stroked her on the chin, staring deep into her eyes. “You will participate in this performance. I would prefer it if you…” he smiled darkly, “Volunteered to perform, but I believe you orphans are familiar with the term in loco parentis. That is a phrase that here means that I can order you to participate, and you must obey.”

Lilac froze up as his fingernails scratched her chin, shuddering under his look. Then, without another word, Olaf let go of her and left the room.

The children waited until they heard his footsteps disappear into the house, and  then Nick and Soli both reached out, putting comforting hands on their sister’s arm. Nick turned to glare at the door, while Klaus slowly picked up Sunny, placing her on his lap and wrapping his arms around her.

“Well,” the younger twin finally said, “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to be in a play. We don’t… we don’t want to get on his bad side.”

“Klaus, you moron,” Nick said sharply, “Do you think he’s actually being nice? He’s clearly up to something.”

“Do you think those cupcakes are poisoned?” Violet asked, looking incredibly uncomfortable.

“No.” Lilac said, her voice shaking. “Count Olaf’s clearly after our fortune. Killing us would do him no good.”

“How can he get our fortune by forcing us into a play?” Klaus asked.

Lilac shut her eyes. “I don’t know.”

“I wish we’d read up on inheritance law.” Klaus said glumly. “So we could use that to figure out what Olaf has planned.”

“We could ask Mr Poe.” Violet suggested quietly. “He knows legal phrases, and he’s in charge of our inheritance.”

“But he’d just tell Olaf.” Nick glared at the table, placing his chin on top of Soli’s head, which caused her to, despite their tense situation, giggle slightly.

“We need to find out more on inheritance law.” Klaus said. “But how-”

“Book?” Soli asked.

They glanced towards her, and then Violet said, “Justice Strauss did say we were free to visit her library.”

“What if she tells Olaf?” Klaus asked.

“Just tell her we want to read law books.” Nick said. “You love that boring shit.”

“So do you!”

“With four of us working,” Lilac said quietly, “We should be able to find something. Let’s try it.”

The boys stood up first, picking up their respective infants and running out of the room to head over to Justice Strauss’s house. As Lilac stood up, though, Violet glanced away and quietly asked, “Li?”  

“Is something wrong?” Lilac asked, concerned.

Violet bit her lip. “I don’t…” she glanced towards the doorway, knowing that they should get moving before the boys realized they weren’t behind them. “I feel weird. Just… when he…”

Lilac clenched her fists, shutting her eyes. “I know.”

“Why? What-”

“Let’s just figure out what he’s planning,” Lilac said, “And go from there.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER SEVEN

in which the Baudelaires read up on Inheritance Law

“Hello, Baudelaires!”

The Baudelaires looked up, almost guiltily, as Justice Strauss entered the library. She’d let them in, before having to return to her studies. They’d been there a few hours, and unfortunately found nothing yet.

“Goodness,” Justice Strauss said, after they all said their greetings and she finally saw which books they’d taken off the shelves, “Are you sure you want to read those enormous law books? Even I don’t like reading them, and I work in law.”

“Yes.” Violet said. “We find them fascinating.”

“Violet and I are considering a career in law,” Klaus said quickly, “And Lilac and Nick are supporting us.”

“And Soli and Sunny are helping.” Nick added.

“Well,” Justice Strauss said, “Perhaps they’d like to help me in the garden, if that’s alright.”

“Wipi!” Sunny cheered. “I’d love to help out in the garden, instead of sit here and watch you all try to read law.” Violet giggled slightly and elbowed her infant sister, which caused Sunny to laugh.

Nick hesitantly glanced at Solitude, before saying, “So long as they don’t eat any dirt.”

“Spoilsport.” Soli said, and Nick playfully rolled his eyes before picking Solitude up off the table and placing her on the ground, while Violet brought Sunny over to Justice Strauss.

Quietly, Lilac looked up from her book, and she said, “Justice Strauss, are you… excited about the play?”

Justice Strauss’s face lit up, and the older siblings’ faces fell. “Oh, yes! I used to hope I’d be an actress when I was a young girl, and now Count Olaf has given me the opportunity to live my lifelong dream. You children are so lucky to have an actor for a guardian.”

“I guess.” Klaus said quietly.

Justice Strauss left the library, then, carrying Sunny out towards the garden, with Soli rushing behind her, almost tripping over her small dress. Nick watched her go, before saying, “You think the girls’ll be safe out there?”

“Justice Strauss won’t hurt them.” Lilac said, flipping a page in the book.

“What if Count Olaf sees them, and doesn’t like that we came over here?” Violet asked.

“What, do you just want them to sit here and eat one of the books?” Lilac asked, shooting her a glare.

“Do you want Soli to eat a wasp again?”

“Please don’t fight!” Klaus said. “Not now, please!”

Lilac and Violet glanced at each other. Then, Lilac said, “I… I’m sorry, it’s just… this is very stressful, and we seem to be getting nowhere.”

“And I don’t think Justice Strauss will be able to help us.” Violet sighed. “She’s too stagestruck, and she’d probably just tell us about the ‘in loco parentis’ bullshit.”

“Language.” Lilac said.

“Soli and Sunny aren’t here.”

“Klaus is.”

“Hey!” Klaus said.

“She’s right,” Nick smirked slightly. “You’re the baby now.”

“Hey!”

“Has anyone found anything?” Lilac interrupted.

Violet shook her head. “Right now I’m reading about a case from fifty years ago, involving a weasel and an insane woman.”

“Maybe Count Olaf’s trying to prove we’re insane, so we can’t have control of our fortune.” Klaus said.

“How would putting us onstage prove we’re insane?” Lilac asked.

Klaus shrugged. “Just a guess. I’m reading about some kind of nudist performance of Macbeth.”

“How come you get the interesting stuff?” Nick asked. Lilac elbowed him in the ribs, hard enough that he let out an “Ow!”

“You know what?” Violet said, staring at her shoes, “Maybe we’re wrong. Maybe Count Olaf doesn’t have a plan, and he’s just trying to be less of a dick.”

“How could you say that?” Nick said.

“Violet, he hit me!” Klaus added.

“How the hell is he supposed to get our fortune by putting us in a play?” Violet asked.

“Violet,” Lilac said carefully, “I don’t know, but we need to keep looking, I don’t trust him one bit-”

“Well, I’m tired!” Violet snapped. “We’ve been reading for hours, and we’ve found nothing!”

“We’ll find something, there’s always something-”

“Well, you all can keep looking.” Violet said, slamming her book shut and standing up sharply. “I’m going to go watch our sisters.”

“Violet!” Lilac said, but Violet simply turned on her heel and raced out of the library. Glumly, Lilac turned back to her brothers. “Do either of you want to join her?”

The boys shook their heads, and slowly, they got back to reading. They read through more boring law cases for a long while, with Nick bouncing his leg and playing with the edge of the pages in an effort to pay attention, and Klaus biting his lip and changing position in his chair constantly to try and get comfortable. Lilac kept her eyes glued to her book, only occasionally glancing towards the garden door.

After a moment, Lilac said, “I’m going to go check on the others. Make sure Violet didn’t feed Soli a rock just to spite me.”

“Good idea, she might.” Nick raised an eyebrow. “Don’t ditch us.”

“Tempting, but I’m not leaving you two alone for too long. You might set something on fire, Nick.”

“How? There’s no matches in here.”

“You’ll find a way, I know you.”

“Klaus’ll stop me, he’s boring like that.”

“Don’t drag me into this.” Klaus groaned.

Lilac sighed and hesitantly put the book back on the table, her mind somewhere else as she walked out to the back. Klaus stared after her a moment, before saying, “Nick, do you think something’s up with Lilac?”

“Something’s always up with Lilac, she’s nuts.” Nick shrugged. “Have you seen her choice of fashion?”

“I mean…” Klaus paused. “She couldn’t be scared, could she? Lilac doesn’t get scared.”

Nick glanced over at him. “Klaus, we’re all-”

They heard the library door swing open, and a voice call out. “You there!”

Nick jumped to his feet, putting a hand on Klaus’s shoulder. They turned to see one of the members of Count Olaf’s theater troupe, the one with hooks for hands, standing in the doorway. Nick slowly moved so he was a bit more in front of Klaus, as the man walked in and continued, “Count Olaf sent me to look for you. You are to return to the house immediately.”

Klaus bit his lip, and Nick glared as the hook-handed man walked over to where they were sitting. “What are you doing in this musty old room, anyway?” He narrowed his eyes as he looked down at the book in Klaus’s hands. “Inheritance Law and Its Implications? Why are you reading that?”

Nick and Klaus shared a glance, and then Klaus said simply, “Why do you think I’m reading it?”

“I’ll tell you what I think,” the man said, and both boys jumped as he put a cold hook onto Klaus’s shoulder. “I think you should never be allowed in this library again, at least until the performance tomorrow. We don’t want any little boys getting ideas.”

“Let go of him!” Nick said, as Klaus backed up slightly, managing to shrug the hook off his shoulder. Nick pushed his twin behind him, only to find himself face-to-face with the Hook-Handed Man. He felt the hook on his arm now, pressing hard against his sleeve.

“Listen to me very carefully,” the Hook-Handed Man said. “The only reason Count Olaf hasn’t torn you limb from limb is that he hasn’t gotten hold of your fortune. Ask yourself this, you little bookworms: what reason will he have to keep you alive after he has your money? What do you think will happen to you then?”

Nick froze up, his eyes going very wide. He struggled to speak, to shoot back some kind of sarcastic response, but instead he just felt very cold and very scared. He heard Klaus stutter from behind him, trying to say something, only succeeding in spouting out a few syllables.

“When the time comes,” the Hook-Handed Man continued, “I believe Count Olaf might just leave you to me. So if I were you, I’d start acting a little nicer.” He backed up slightly, raising his hooks so they were right in front of Nick’s face.

They heard a door open, and the twins jumped, turning with wide eyes to see Lilac come back in, pulling a ribbon out of her hair as she walked. She froze upon seeing the troupe member in front of her brothers, paling slightly.

“Lilac.” Nick managed to say.

“What’s going on?” Lilac asked, shoving her ribbon back into a belt loop around her dress.

“It’s time for you to go home.” the Hook-Handed Man simply said. “Where are your poor orphan siblings?”

Lilac paused, glancing at her brothers, as if wondering if she should refuse to tell him. Then, quietly, she said, “In the garden, I-”

The Hook-Handed Man pushed past her, heading back towards the garden. Lilac turned, as if to follow him and make sure nothing worse happened, before she heard Nick call out, “Klaus!”

Klaus was shaking uncontrollably, and he had moved back into a chair, hugging himself and staring at the table, raggedly breathing. Nick had moved over to him, putting his hands on his shoulders, but it was clear to see that Nick looked only slightly less terrified. Lilac raced over, as Nick said, “Are you okay? Klaus, are you-”

“We need to do something.” Klaus said, shutting his eyes tight and hugging himself. “We need to do something. He’s not going to let us come back-”

“What are we supposed to do?” Lilac asked, reaching forwards to grab Klaus’s hand.

Klaus wildly looked around the room, before breaking away from his siblings, reaching forwards, grabbing a book and shoving it under his sweater. Nick hastily followed his example, picking a book at random and stuffing it under his shirt. Lilac stood to try and do the same- though she wasn’t sure how she would keep it under her dress- but at that moment, the Hook-Handed Man re-entered the library, Violet walking beside him and holding Sunny close to her, as Soli was running at their feet, occasionally trying to bite the hooks swinging beside her.

“We’re ready to go.” Nick said quickly, reaching to grab Klaus’s arm. Lilac bent down to pick up Soli, glancing regretfully at the pile of books she still hadn’t read through. The twins walked ahead of the group, hoping and praying that nobody noticed and pointed out the book-shaped lumps under their sweaters.

Lilac and Violet offered to trade-off reading with the boys, once they’d gone back into their bedroom and the twins pulled their books out. But Nick and Klaus shook their heads, insisting that they get their sleep. Lilac took a while to fall asleep on the lumpy bed, while Violet slept on her cardboard box, Sunny curled up at her feet underneath the curtain blanket. Solitude slept beside Nick, who laid on his stomach, reading through his law book. Klaus read from his hammock, the two boys both struggling to keep their eyes open, squinting in the dim light in order to make out the words on the pages.

Neither boy enjoyed the book very much; it was long, and hard to read, with large words that the boys would occasionally call out to each other in hopes of a definition. But the twins knew that Olaf had some kind of plan, and that they had to find it out before he could get his hands on their fortune.

When the light of dawn started filtering in through the window, Nick stood up, lifting a sleeping Soli from the box and placing her beside Violet, sitting under the window as Klaus climbed out of the hammock to sit next to him.

“Compare notes?” Klaus asked, rubbing his eyes.

Klaus nodded, and as the boys talked, they figured out, very quickly, what they needed to know.

Grimly, Nick said, “We have to get out of here.”

“Lilac won’t want to run.”

“What choice do we have?”

Klaus paused. “There’s no way this is legal. We could tell Mr Poe.”

“He won’t do shit.”

“But we have evidence that Olaf is doing something horrible. He’ll have to listen to us.”

Nick took a deep breath. “We’ll try. But we should pack some food, in case he just tells us to go back home.”

Klaus nodded solemnly. “We’ll need a bag. I wish Violet’s basket hadn’t broken at the Poe’s house.”

“We can use my blanket, tie it up.” Nick said.

“That won’t work, it’ll break.”

“I bet Violet could think of something.”

“Wait.” Klaus looked up. “I think I saw a bag in the living room. In one of the cabinets. We can look there.”

Nick hesitated. “You still have the cylinder?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Maybe it’s a weapon.”

“Doubt it.”

“In any case, we don’t want to leave it behind.”

Klaus nodded, and the two twins stood up then, leaving their books on Klaus’s hammock and racing down the stairs, hoping that none of the members of Count Olaf’s troupe were in the house.

Unfortunately, as they ran into the kitchen, remembering vaguely that they had a shortcut to the living room, they slid to a startled stop. Count Olaf was sitting at the table, drinking coffee and looking a little bored. Nick and Klaus froze a moment, wondering if they had time to back up and avoid his notice, but as they did, Olaf looked up, staring at them with his shiny eyes. “Hello, orphans.” he said. “You’re up early.”

Nick stepped slightly in front of Klaus, who froze for a moment. Then, to Nick’s surprise, Klaus said, “We know what you’re up to!”

“Me? I’m not up to anything.” Olaf said, as Nick elbowed his brother, “I’m just having my morning coffee. Although, I can’t seem to find the sugar bowl-”

“We mean about the play!” Klaus said.

“Klaus, shut up.” Nick muttered.

“We were up all night, reading.” Klaus said angrily, pushing Nick away from him. “And we read about nuptial law.”

Nick stiffened, and Count Olaf narrowed his eyes. “Where did you get a book on nuptial law?”

“Klaus, let’s go.” Nick begged, trying to grab onto his brother’s arm, but Klaus, much too furious with Olaf, barely paid him any mind.

“The laws of marriage in this community,” Klaus said stubbornly, “Are incredibly simple. All the requirements are the presence of a judge, a statement of ‘I do’ by both participants, and the signing of an explanatory document in their own hands.”

“Klaus!” Nick said.

“If Lilac says ‘I do’ and signs a piece of paper, while Justice Strauss is in the room, then she’s legally married.” Klaus said. “You’re not going to marry her figuratively, you’re going to marry her literally!”

Count Olaf stared for a moment.

“You do know the difference between figuratively and literally, right?”

“Of course, orphan.” Olaf rolled his eyes. “But tell me, why would I want to marry your sister? A man like me can acquire any number of beautiful women, who don’t come with several nuisances who complain about doing their chores.”

“Because a legal spouse,” Klaus said, “Has titular and practical control over any relevant fiduciaries, resulting an aggregate financial dominion over any spousal holdings.”

“Let me give you a piece of advice, orphan,” Olaf said, as Nick tugged on his brother’s sleeve again, “Nobody actually likes people who use such large and annoying words.”

“If you became Lilac’s husband,” Klaus said, “You’d have complete control over our fortune. But your plan’s going to fail! Our sister isn’t old enough to get married, even if she wanted to.”

“Klaus, shut the hell up.” Nick said again.

Olaf slowly got to his feet, staring down the twins. “Tell me, bookworms,” he said, “Can you translate a Latin phrase for me? You may have encountered it before- in loco parentis. ”

Klaus froze a moment. “Acting in the role of a parent.”

“Correct.” Olaf said. “You see, Lilac can get married. If she has the permission of her legal guardian. And that, she does.”

They shuddered at his voice, and Nick finally managed to push Klaus behind him again, and he said, “It doesn’t matter! We’re going to Mr Poe, and we’re going to tell him everything, and then your play will not be performed, and you’ll go to jail!”

He pushed Klaus back towards the door, and the two boys raced back towards the staircase. As they did, they saw Lilac and Violet heading down, the latter rubbing her eyes and yawning slightly.

“Boys!” Lilac said, looking a bit relieved as she saw them. “We woke up and you were-”

“Lilac, we have to go!” Nick said quickly. “Now.”

“What? What are you talking about?” Violet asked.

“What’s going on?” Lilac glanced between the twins, who were shaking.

“We stayed up all night reading,” Klaus said quickly, “And we figured out Olaf’s plan.”

“He’s going to marry you literally.” Nick said. “Not figuratively.”

“Everyone will think it’s a play, so they won’t stop it before it’s too late.”

“Once he’s your husband, he’ll have control over our fortune.”

“And then he’s going to get rid of us.”

Violet reached out, grabbing her sister’s arm. Lilac shrugged her off, shaking her head. “It’s just a play, boys-”

“The only legal requirements are that you say ‘I do’ and sign a document in front of a Justice.” Klaus said.

“Justice Strauss?” Violet’s eyes widened.

“I’m not old enough to get married.” Lilac said.

“Minors can get married,” Nick said, “Can marry if they have the permission of their legal guardian. Guess who that is.”

Lilac froze up again, as Violet said, “What do we do?”

“We tell Mr Poe.” Klaus said. “And he’ll finally believe us.”

“We have to get Sunny and Soli,” Violet said, “And get out of here.”

She turned and ran, Nick at her heels. Klaus grabbed onto Lilac’s hand, and after a stunned moment, Lilac raced after her siblings.

They threw open the door to their room, and Nick ran for where he’d left Soli beside Violet. She looked up, startled at the noise, and he just said, “Sorry, Sol, we’re leaving.”

“Where?” she asked, rubbing her eyes as he lifted her up.

“We’ll explain on the way,” Klaus said, as Violet ran to the edge of the box to grab Sunny. “We have to get out.”

“Sunny?” Violet called, dropping to her knees and lifting the blanket. “Hey, Sun, we-”

She lifted the blanket completely, finding nobody underneath.

The siblings were silent for a moment, before Lilac started calling. “Sunny! Sunny!”

“Sunny!” Klaus shouted, suddenly terrified, and Nick clutched Soli closer to him, as if she might disappear, too.

“Where is she?” Violet asked, still holding the curtain in her hands, staring at the space her baby sister should be.

“Where is she indeed?” came a voice from the doorway, and the siblings turned, horrified, to see Count Olaf standing in the doorway. “So strange to find a child missing. Especially one so small and helpless. When did you see her last?”

“Where’s Sunny?” Nick asked angrily.

“What have you done to her?” Lilac cried.

“Then again,” Olaf said, his eyes still shining, “Strange things happen all the time. For example, did you see what’s in the yard?”

The siblings glanced towards each other, as Soli quietly started to cry into Nick’s sweater. Then they ran, through the doorway, past Olaf, down the staircase and into the backyard.

“Sunny!” Lilac called, looking towards the pile of logs they’d chopped only the day before.

“Sun!” Solitude called, frantically looking around the dirty yard, trying to spot their infant sister.

Klaus was the one who managed to spot her first. He froze in place, unable to speak for a few moments, before he said, “Guys?” and pointed up.

Up, at the top of the tall tower the children had been forbidden to go near, was a birdcage, dangling from one lone window.

“Oh no.” Violet whispered.

Up, inside the birdcage, shifting dangerously in the chilly wind, was a very frightened Sunny. Upon closer inspection, the siblings could see that there was tape over her mouth, and ropes tied around her body.

Lilac turned towards the doorway that led to the house, where Count Olaf now emerged, looking up as well. “Let her go!” she shouted. “She’s an infant!”

“Well, now,” Count Olaf said, as he walked into the yard, “If you want me to let her go, I will. But surely even a stupid brat such as you might realize that if I let her go- or if I ask my comrade to let her go- poor Sunny might not survive the fall to the ground. But, if you insist-”

“No!” the siblings all shouted, as Solitude started to wail, her eyes glued to the birdcage so high in the air.

“No, please,” Lilac said, tears springing to her eyes, “She’s just a baby. We’ll do anything, just don’t hurt her!”

“Anything?” Count Olaf asked, and he approached the children, his eyes locking with Lilac, even as Violet grabbed her older sister’s arm, as if to pull her back. “Anything? Would you, for instance, consider marrying me during tomorrow night’s performance?”

Lilac stared at him, her stomach plummeting, as if she were the one being thrown from a great height. She shook slightly, as Olaf continued, “While you were busy reading books and making accusations, I had one of my quietest, sneakiest assistants go into your bedroom and fetch your sister. She is perfectly safe for now. But we’ll just consider her to be a stick behind a stubborn mule.”

“Our sister is not a stick!” Klaus said, as Soli wailed louder.

“A stubborn mule,” Olaf explained darkly, “Does not move in the direction its owner wants it to. But it will move in the proper direction if there is a carrot in front of it, or a stick behind it. It will move towards the reward, and away from pain. Likewise, you all will do as I say, to avoid the pain of your sister falling from a tower, and because you want the reward of surviving a bit longer than you might otherwise.”

“Lilac,” Violet said quietly, “Lilac, I-”

Lilac shut her eyes, as Count Olaf approached, reaching out a hand and stroking her hair. Violet jumped, as if to push him away, but she managed to hold herself back, staring up at Sunny in the tall tower. “Come now,” Olaf said, “Would it be so terrible to be my bride? To live in my house for the rest of your life?” He leaned down, and then said, so only Lilac could hear, “You’re such a lovely girl, after the marriage I wouldn’t dispose of you like your siblings.”

Lilac shut her eyes tighter, shuddering from terror, trying not to think about living as Count Olaf’s wife. But as she heard Solitude cry louder, and thought of her baby sister in the tall tower, she just said, “If you let Sunny go, I will marry you.”

“Sunny may go,” Olaf said, finally backing away from her, not caring about the glares of her siblings, “After tomorrow night’s performance. In the meantime, she will remain in the tower for safekeeping. My assistants will be standing guard, in case you’re getting any ideas.”

“You’re a horrible man!” Violet spat.

“I may be,” Olaf replied, “But I have been able to concoct a foolproof way to get your fortune, which is more than you’ve been able to do. Remember that, orphans. Now get to work, you still have chores to do.”

He turned and went back into the house, and Solitude continued to wail. Nick held her close, trying to shush her slightly, though he was worriedly looking up at the tower.

“Lilac?” Klaus asked, as Violet gripped harder onto her sister’s arm. “What should we do?”

Lilac looked up at the tower again, and then slowly, she scanned it, judging distance. Carefully, she pulled away from Violet, and reached towards the ribbon attached to her dress, before moving to tie her hair back.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER EIGHT

in which Lilac and Violet attempt a Rescue

“It’s okay, Soli,” Nick said quietly, “It’s gonna be okay.”

“Sun!” was all Solitude could say. “Sunny!”

The children had only barely been able to finish Olaf’s list of chores, not daring to leave each other alone. And Soli had been sobbing almost the entire time, stopping only when Nick force-fed her some oatmeal, and when he sat outside with her, so she could keep Sunny within her line of sight at all times. But now they had to sleep, and Solitude didn’t want to do so without her sister.

“Sunny must be so frightened.” Klaus said, staring out the window, tears in his eyes.

“We’re all frightened, Klaus,” Lilac said. “Get some sleep.”

“You’re dismantling my bed.” Klaus pointed out; indeed, Lilac and Violet were taking his curtain off of the wall.

“Take mine.” Lilac said. “We’re not sleeping tonight.”

“We can help-” Nick began.

“You two did your part last night.” Violet said, running a hand over the ribbon she’d used to tie back her hair. “It's our turn.”

“It didn’t help.” Klaus sighed, moving to sit on the bed, staring at the ground. “We just got Sunny captured.”

“Olaf would’ve threatened Sunny anyway.” Lilac sighed, moving to sit beside Klaus. “He must’ve sent someone to take her before you even spoke to him, there wouldn’t have been time otherwise.”

“But-”

Lilac reached over, putting a hand over Klaus’s, and then she said, “Nick, come here.”

Nick walked over, squeezing next to Lilac, still holding a weeping Solitude. Violet sat on the floor, looking up at Lilac, as she said, “Do you remember when Mom and Dad brought Sunny home for the first time?”

“She bit the doorknob off the nursery.” Klaus said quietly.

“And they told me that I wasn’t allowed to try and sell this one to the neighbors.” Nick said quietly.

Soli sniffled. “Parvula,” she said, which meant, “I had to move out of the crib, but I didn’t care, I was just happy to have someone to play with.”

Lilac nodded. “When… when Mom and Dad brought you home, boys, and Soli, and Sunny, they told me… they told me, ‘you are the eldest Baudelaire child. And as the eldest, it will always be your responsibility to look after your younger siblings.’”

Violet flinched, glancing away, and Soli sniffled a little.

“They made me promise to look after you.” Lilac said. “Let me do this for you. Let me keep my promise.” Klaus lowered his head again, trying not to cry, and slowly, Lilac stood up. “Violet, do you want-”

“I’ll help.” Violet nodded.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’m going to help you save Sunny.”

Lilac sighed. “Help me with the curtains. Boys, get some sleep. As soon as we have Sunny, we’ll come and get you, and then we’ll go find someone who can help us.”

Nick and Klaus nodded, and Solitude whimpered a little, clinging to Nick. He hugged her back, whispering more comfort.

“Let’s get to work.” Lilac said, and Violet nodded.

Violet carried the curtains in her hands, and she stopped at the bottom of the staircase that led to the tower. On a lower step sat the member of Olaf’s troupe who had an indeterminate gender, reading some stack of papers.

“Excuse me?” Violet said, trying not to shake as they looked up at her. “Could I bring these up to my sister?”

They shook their head. “Count Olaf said none of you are allowed upstairs.”

“I’d just like to bring her some blankets. She must be freezing up there.”

They shook their head again, and Violet bit her lip and sighed. “Please?”

“Afraid not.”

“Could you bring them to her?” Another shake. “Well… thank you, anyway.”

The troupe member shrugged and returned to their papers, and Violet crept away.

She walked into the kitchen, and said, “Sorry, didn’t buy you much time.”

“It’s not an issue.” Lilac said, glancing over at her. She was holding her skirt like a pouch, shoving everything they’d used in the kitchen into it. “But did you have to offer to get rid of the curtains?”

“It was the only thing I could think to say.” Violet paused. “Besides, I’d’ve liked to case the joint a bit.”

“It doesn’t matter. Let’s put this together in the bathroom. That lock still works, I think.”

“If it doesn’t, I can get started and you can fix it.”

Lilac nodded, and the two sisters raced to the bathroom. The lock did indeed work, so Violet turned on the dim light, and Lilac spilled all their supplies onto the floor, re-tying up her hair, scanning the items. Violet knelt beside her, and said, “That metal rod that used to hold the curtains, I can go get it from our room. We can use a rock to break it into two.”

“Good idea.”

Violet ran off, and was back within a few minutes. Lilac, meanwhile, had managed to dig out some wires. Lilac handed Violet some oven mitts, and she and Violet sat with their rocks, hitting the rod until it broke into two. The older sister cursed, and Violet looked up, shocked, to see that Lilac had several small cuts on her hands.

“What happened?”

“It’s just from the rocks.”

“You should’ve taken a mitt.”

“It’s not important.”

“Lilac-”

“Hand me a curtain, and take the other.” Lilac said. She grabbed one, and her and Violet quietly started tearing them into small strips, tying them together.

“Devil’s tongue knot?” Violet asked.

“Devil’s tongue knot.” Lilac nodded; they’d both memorized the knot when they were younger, after reading about the female Finnish pirates that invented them in the fifteenth century. Violet had thought it’d be useful to know a knot that twisted in such a complicated and eerie way, and while Lilac agreed, she’d honestly learned it because she thought it’d be a good way to impress a female Finnish pirate, should they ever meet one. (She’d been too young to think about how long ago the age of piracy was.) Once the curtains were in enough narrow strips, the girls tied them together into a rope. Lilac then took the wire and connected the pieces of the rod, making them look like a large metal spider, tying the rope to it.

“Think it’ll work as a grappling hook?” Violet asked.

“It better.”

“This could be an issue.”

Violet and Lilac were standing outside, looking up at the tall tower. They could barely see Sunny in the dim light, or the grappling hook they held between them.

“There’s no noise out here,” Lilac said, tightening her ribbon, “So we’ll have to be quiet. There’s a bit of a breeze, so we’ll have to hold tight. And it’s dark, so we’ll have to throw carefully.”

“And I have the remains of my jacket.” Violet said, looking down at the ripped fabric, “So we can tie Sunny to me as we climb back down.”

Lilac nodded, taking the grappling hook in her right hand and starting to swing it. The two sisters were silent as she swayed it, and then Lilac threw, and they waited with baited breath as it connected to the tower and made a clang! And after a second, the hook shot back to the ground, crashing onto the grass. The sisters froze a moment, waiting to see if someone heard, but when nobody came outside, Lilac whispered, “It must not’ve stuck to anything.”

“No shit, Sherlock,” Violet muttered. “Let me try, your hands are all cut up, that might affect things.”

“It’s not,” Lilac sighed, but she did hand the rope over.

Violet swung it a bit in her own right hand, staring up at the tower window, aiming for it as she threw.

Clang! Clang! Violet missed, and the grappling hook bounced to the ground.

“Violet-”

“Let me try again.” she said, fixing her eyes on the window again. She threw, and the hook hit the tower, almost reaching the window, before bouncing off and falling back. As it did, Violet stepped a bit too close, and the hook landed on her shoulder, one of the arms ripping past her sleeve.

“Violet!” Lilac gasped, as Violet let out a small cry, biting down on her hand to muffle the noise. Lilac raced over, seeing Violet push the grappling hook aside and put a hand on her shoulder, feeling blood. “Oh no, no, no, no…”

“I’m fine.” Violet gasped. “Let me just wrap some fabric around the cut.”

“You’re hurt.” Tears sprang to Lilac’s eyes. “You’re hurt-”

“Lilac, focus on Sunny.” Violet said. “We need to get her down.”

“You’re-”

“Throw the hook! Aim for the tower, I’ll take care of this.”

Hesitantly, Lilac nodded, and as Violet stepped back and wrapped fabric around her wound, the eldest Baudelaire looked up at the tower and swung the hook, before throwing. There was another clang, but this time, the hook stayed put. Lilac tugged it a few times, grinning as she saw it didn’t fall.

“You stay here, I’ll get Sunny.” she said.

“Hell no.”

“You’re hurt! I can’t let that happen again!”

“And I can’t let anything happen to you and Sunny!”

Lilac took a deep breath, staring down her sister. Then, she said, “Get in front of me, so I can catch you if you fall. If you start to get tired, tell me, and we’ll go back down.”

“I won’t get tired.” Violet insisted. She grabbed onto the rope, yanking it herself, before saying, “Don’t look down.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.” Lilac said.

Violet hoisted herself up, and Lilac quickly followed, and for the next several minutes, the two sisters climbed the tower, hand over hand, clutching the rope for dear life. The wind blew harder than the sisters could have suspected before as they climbed higher and higher, and all they could do as they climbed the shaking rope was remind themselves of the awful things that would happen if they failed to rescue Sunny and stop Count Olaf, and of their desire to protect their siblings. When a huge gust of wind hit them, Violet and Lilac braced themselves, gripping until their knuckles were white, certain that their makeshift grappling hook would tear and they would fall and die. But the rope held, and when the wind died down, the two sisters kept climbing. Violet desperately wanted to look down and make sure Lilac was still behind her, but she very much did not want to see how high up they were. Meanwhile, Lilac was just focused on making sure that Violet didn’t look like she was struggling to much, and occasionally looking towards the birdcage to make sure they were getting closer. But otherwise, she kept her eyes on the wall beside her, or kept them shut.

They finally got towards the top of the tower, and Lilac noticed that Sunny was shaking slightly, struggling against the ropes and trying to gesture something. Lilac simply glanced away, shivering too much to say anything to her.

Violet, however, found out quickly what Sunny was trying to say when she reached the top of the tower, and looked into the window. The spidery end of the grappling hook had indeed reached the inside of the inside of the window, but it hadn’t snagged on the edge, or on some kind of notch or piece of furniture.

It had snagged onto the hook of the Hook-Handed Man.

“Shit.” Violet said breathlessly, but before she could say more, the other hook reached forwards, snagging her and dragging her into the room.

“Violet?” Lilac called, only seeing her sister disappear into the window. Sunny tried to scream through her tape as Lilac managed to get up, only to also be grabbed a hook and dragged into the tower room.

“Son of a bitch!” Violet yelled as Lilac was thrown into the room, and the Hook-Handed Man sent the grappling rope out the window, clattering to the ground.

“So nice of you two to join us.” the Hook-Handed Man said, in a fake sweet voice.

Lilac was only in shock for a second, and then she stumbled towards her sister, pushing Violet behind her, despite her protests. “What are you going to do to us?”

“Have a seat.” the Hook-Handed Man said, and he pushed them back towards a chair. Lilac stared for a moment, before moving back and sitting down, dragging Violet with her. Violet, for her part, took the opportunity to look around the tower room, seeing some kind of chart on the side with writing she didn’t recognize, messy piles of paper on top of the two Inheritance Law books that Nick and Klaus had smuggled in- shit, they hadn’t even noticed those went missing. There were costumes and photographs on shelves and desks around them, and the floor was littered with wine bottles and dirty dishes. Most importantly, there was the same Eye they saw everywhere else in the house, etched along the wall, and the windowsill, and the doorknob, and the floor. It was everywhere, as if several people were watching them.

“Are you okay?” Lilac asked, as the Hook-Handed Man took a walkie-talkie from his pocket.

“I’m fine.” Violet said, ignoring the pain in her shoulder as she shook slightly. “What are we going to do?”

Lilac simply put an arm around her sister, ignoring her cry of protest, as the Hook-Handed Man finally turned on the radio. “Boss, it’s me,” he said. “Your bride and her sister just climbed up here to try and rescue the biting brat.”

“I’m not his bride.” Lilac spat, holding Violet closer, ignoring her sister struggling to throw her arm off.

The Hook-Handed Man paid them no attention, as Count Olaf said something back to him. Then he said, “I don’t know. With some sort of… ropey thing?”

“It was a grappling hook!” Violet said sharply, finally giving up on getting her sister to let go of her and simply crossing her arms and huffing.

“She says it was a grappling hook.” the man said. “I don’t know. Yes, boss. Yes, boss. No, boss. Yes, boss, of course I understand, I- Yes, boss.” he shut the walkie-talkie off, and then said, “Count Olaf is very displeased with you two.”

“Turn that back on and tell him he can stuff it.” Violet spat.

Lilac stiffened, hugging Violet closer, but she glared down the man and said, “Just leave us alone.”

“Oh, that’s not going to be happening.” the man said. “You’ll be Olaf’s bride before long-”

“She’s not, fuck that!” Violet said.

The Hook-Handed Man raised an eyebrow, and before he could respond, they heard a slam as the door opened. Lilac and Violet jumped to their feet, starting forwards slightly, as Count Olaf entered, dragging a shivering Klaus behind him. And behind them, the Bald Man dragged in Nick, who was holding Solitude close to his chest and swearing under his breath,

“You know,” Olaf said with an annoyed tone in his voice, “People say that parenting is the hardest job in the world. But those people have clearly never written, directed, produced, starred in and forcibly cast several orphans in a play in an attempt to take their parents’ fortune.”

“Piss off! Let go of me!” Nick shouted, but the Bald Man held tight, telling him to shut up. Soli let out what sounded like a low growl.

“Let go of us! What did we ever do to you?” Violet snapped.

“They didn’t have anything to do with this!” Lilac shouted, gesturing to her siblings. “This was all me, leave them alone!”

“God, don’t you ever shut up?” Olaf groaned, tossing Klaus to the side; the boy stumbled, before finally gaining his balance, hugging himself and glaring at their guardian. “You all have been mucking up my plans more than you should.”

“Your plans to marry my sister, steal our fortune, and kill all of us.” Violet stated, rushing over towards Klaus and putting an arm around him.

“Yes, and you all have been far more of a pain in the ass than I predicted.” Olaf said darkly. He walked towards Lilac, and she stood frozen, staring ahead as he once again ran a hand through her hair. “And you don’t seem to understand the situation you’re in.”

“I understand enough.” Lilac said, flinching back.

“Apparently you don’t.” Olaf said darkly. “Or you wouldn’t be pulling such stunts as climbing up a tower to fetch your sister.” His eyes got shiny again, and he said, “And I think we need to be certain that you’ve learned your lesson.”

Lilac’s eyes went wide as he turned towards the Hook-Handed Man and said, “I think it’d be a good idea to raise the stakes for her, don’t you? And I think little Sunny might want some company.”

“Leave her alone!” Violet snapped, but Olaf and his associate didn’t even look towards her. Instead, Olaf moved towards something on his desk, and the Hook-Handed Man moved towards Nick.

Both Lilac and Nick realized what was going to happen first, and Lilac screamed, “No, please, don’t! I won’t do anything again, just-”

“No.” Nick began, under his breath, and then he struggled against the Bald Man, screaming and clutching Soli to him, trying to turn away, kicking and shouting. “No! No, no! No!”

None of the adults seemed particularly bothered by this, and before any of the siblings could think to move closer, the Hook-Handed Man managed to reach forwards and get a hold on Solitude, attaching his hook to the fabric of her dress. The toddler let out a shriek as she was ripped away from Nick, and Nick let out a strangled cry, reaching out to try and grab her back, still kicking and trying to break away from the man holding him. “No! Soli! Give her back! Soli!”

“Let her go!” Violet shouted, starting forwards, but Klaus grabbed her arm, shaking his head quickly.

“No, Vi!” he said, terrified that any of the adults might harm Violet or Solitude if they tried to fight. “Don’t, he’ll hurt her!”

“Let her go!” Lilac yelled, too, struggling to shout over Nick’s screams. “Let her go, I won’t do anything else, just don’t hurt her!”

Olaf didn’t acknowledge her, instead pulling a piece of tape from his desk and managing to force it over Solitude’s mouth. The toddler tried to scream against it, kicking against the hook that was holding her. Olaf took the toddler then, holding her out as if she was diseased, and saying, “Now, we don’t have much rope, but I believe if she struggles too much, that cage won’t stay in the air for long, so you’ll have to hope she calms down, won’t you?”

“Give her back!” Nick tried to scream, but the bald man finally grew annoyed with his struggles and gave him a swift punch to the stomach. Nick doubled over, gasping, eyes wide with shock, tears still streaming down his face, but he did stop screaming for a moment.

“Let her go! Let her go!” Lilac begged, starting to cry, but Olaf simply walked over to the window, swinging open the cage and shoving the toddler in. The siblings caught a glimpse of a crying Sunny pushing herself against the back of the cage, struggling to make room for her older sister, who had started to sob.

“You son of a bitch!” Violet shouted, and Klaus gripped tighter onto her arm, fully expecting her to try to break away and attack Count Olaf herself. “You fucking asshole!”

“Now, who taught you that language?” Olaf raised an eyebrow.

“Fuck you!” Violet said, beginning to shake with fury, enough that the Hook-Handed Man stepped towards her and Klaus, preparing to grab her if she tried to start anything. Lilac shuddered, shutting her eyes tight, and Klaus, still not entirely sure what was going on but recognizing that Violet looked about ready to murder, gripped hard enough on her arm that his fingers went white. Nick kept his eyes locked on the window, looking like he may collapse if the Bald Man let go of him.

Olaf moved towards Lilac, grabbing her face and turning her to face him, staring into her tear-filled eyes. “You listen to me very carefully.” he said. “I don’t want you to think that you can get away with these kinds of stunts just because you think I need you alive. If you should do anything like this again, I won’t hesitate to rid myself of you. I only need one of you to get your fortune, and if something should happen to you, I’m sure the fortune will just be handed off to the next child. I can settle for the second-born if necessary.”

Lilac froze a moment, and then her eyes darted towards Violet, whose face fell into a look of horror the second she realized what Olaf was implying. Then Lilac turned back to the Count, a darkness and hate behind her eyes as she spoke in a growl of fury her siblings had never heard come from her voice before. “Don’t fucking touch her.”

“Lilac, Lilac, Lilac,” Olaf said, and he pulled her back, staring her dead in the eye, “I’ll touch whatever I want.”

Lilac took a deep breath, trying to stare back, only succeeding in crying more. Olaf let go after a moment, and he said, “You all will remain up here until the performance. I trust that you won’t get up to anything anymore. Do not prove me wrong.”

Violet glared at him as he exited, and stared at the ground as the Hook-Handed Man followed. The Bald Man finally let go of Nick, who immediately ran to the window, staring out at his younger sisters in the cage before slumping to the ground.

The second the door slammed, Klaus asked, his voice shaking, “What are we doing here? What happened?”

“We made a grappling hook.” Violet said, her own voice very quiet. “And climbed up to rescue Sunny. They caught us.”

“That’s high up.” Klaus said. “You must have been so scared.”

Violet looked over at Lilac, and then said, “I’m more scared now.”

That’s when Lilac burst into tears, and dropped to the floor.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER NINE

in which Violet has a Plan

Violet and Klaus looked at each other for only a moment, before nodding and splitting in different directions. Violet ran towards Nick, hugging him close, while Klaus did the same for Lilac.

“It’s okay.” Klaus said quietly. “We’ll figure this out. We’ll figure it out.”

Lilac sobbed, “We won’t. We failed, Klaus.”

“No, no, there’s always something, Li. You say there’s always something.”

“Not this time! What can we do?”

“We’ll do something, I…” Klaus glanced over at Violet, and his eyes widened. “What happened to your arm?”

Violet flinched, glancing at her bandaged shoulder, pulling away slightly from Nick. “It’s fine, just-”

“Did they hurt you?”

“No! No, it was the grappling hook. It fell- it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine!” Lilac said. “None of this is fine!”

Violet gave Nick another quick hug, and then she moved over to Lilac. “Li, come on. We need to do something. Klaus, Nick, your books are over there. Can you read more on Inheritance Law? See if there’s a loophole?”

“We- we can try.” Klaus said. “Nick?”

Nick hugged himself, looking towards the window; outside, Soli had indeed figured out that she couldn’t move around much without risking the cage falling, so she had just curled up, sobbing. Sunny was leaning against her, trying to comfort her as best she could while tied up. Watching this, Nick looked like his heart was splitting in half.

“Nick?” Klaus repeated.

“I…” Nick stuttered, staring out the window. “I… I can read, yeah, I can…” He started to shake again, hugging himself tight. “I just…”

“We can try to invent something to get us out of here.” Violet said. “Maybe we can climb down the tower with something else.”

“I don’t see anything you could make a rope with.” Klaus said quietly.

“We’ll figure something out.” Violet said. “Right, Li? We’ll figure it out.”

“We won’t.” Lilac said, still sobbing softly, pulling away from her siblings. “I’m sorry. I- I’m sorry, I failed and…”

“You haven’t failed yet.” Violet said sternly, reaching forwards and grabbing her sister’s hands. “We still have a few hours left, and we’re not letting him hurt you.”

“I’m not letting him hurt you!” Lilac said, looking at Violet, tears streaming down her face. Violet flinched slightly, as her sister continued, “Violet, if we fail again, he’s- I’m not letting anything happen to you.”

“You think he’s not going to hurt me if you just go along with his plan?” Violet’s voice shook slightly. “Li, you think he’s just gonna let the rest of us live? You think he won’t hurt us if we play nice?”

“If we fail-”

“We won’t.” Violet gripped tighter onto her sister’s hands, and she stared her in the eyes. “You’re Lilac goddamn Baudelaire, and you are not giving up here.”

Lilac choked back more tears, staring at the ground. “What the hell are we supposed to do?”

“We’ll figure it out.” Violet said quietly. “Okay? We’ll figure it out. And we have a job to do. Klaus, Nick, get to work. Li, help me take inventory of what’s in here.”

She stood up, going to the window and reaching out a hand, managing to touch the edge of the cage. Soli and Sunny stared at her, both teary-eyed. “It’s okay, girls.” she said quietly. “We’re not going to let anything happen to you. Just try not to shake the cage much, okay? Stay together.”

“Mmmth.” Sunny said, her voice muffled by the tape, meaning to say, “Where else are we supposed to go?”

Violet smiled slightly, and she turned, seeing that Lilac had managed to get to her feet. Nick stood, too, turning to the window. He reached out, too, saying shakily, “Soli, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I… I should’ve protected you, I-”

“It’s not your fault, Nick!” Violet said, and Soli nodded towards Violet, before looking back to her brother. “It’s not your fault. But we have to get to work, okay?”

Nick glanced towards Soli, still crying a little. Then he nodded, and the siblings split off.

For the next several hours, Nick and Klaus poured over their books, trying to find something, anything, that might help them. Lilac and Violet went around the room, trying to find something that might help them escape the tower. Neither group managed to find much, and as the hours ticked on, they got more and more nervous. They took shifts sitting by the window, talking to the toddlers in the cage, promising them that they were going to be okay, that everything was going to be alright.

“Olaf must be coming back soon.” Nick said after a while, glancing at the sun, which was sinking into the afternoon. “Does anyone have anything?”

“There’s nothing that’ll work to annul the marriage.” Klaus said glumly.

“There’s lots of matches here,” Violet said, “For the candles. If we had kerosine, we could make a molotov cocktail.”

“We don’t have kerosine.” Lilac said, sounding like she was only half-there.

“How soon would Lilac be able to divorce him?” Nick asked. “Maybe she could just do that as soon as Sunny’s safe.”

“Divorce has very difficult legal proceedings.” Klaus said. “We probably wouldn’t have enough time.”

“What are the requirements for marriage, again?” Violet asked, almost hopelessly. “There has to be some kind of loophole.”

“Lilac needs to say ‘I do’, sign the document in her own hand, and be in the presence of a judge.” Klaus recited.

“Maybe we could convince Justice Strauss to leave.” Violet said. “Wait, no, Olaf wouldn’t let us give her the chance, and what would we say? If we explained, she might not believe us. Maybe Lilac could say ‘I don’t’?”

“Then he’d just have Soli and Sunny dropped.” Lilac said, looking at her shivering sisters out the window.

Violet tugged on her ribbon. “There’s gotta be something.”

“God, we should’ve just murdered Olaf on day one.” Nick said. “Just all dogpiled on him and punched him til he stopped moving, and then claim we don’t know what happened.”

“That would’ve been a bad plan, for multiple reasons.” Klaus sighed.

Violet bit her lip, and then said, “Even if we can get Lilac out of it, Olaf might threaten Sunny and Soli again- or you two.” she looked towards the twins.

“Once we get Lilac out,” Nick said, “We’ll all be safe, Mr Poe will have to believe us.”

“Violet’s right.” Lilac sighed, using a phrase she rarely said. She moved over to her brothers and continued, “Even if things go right, he’ll still try and hurt you. You two need to go somewhere safe until this all blows over.”

“We won’t be able to do that, any more than you’ll be able to get out.” Klaus said.

“Maybe you could.” Violet said sadly. “He wants you in the final scene, but I can guarantee there’ll be other actors onstage. If there’s a big enough crowd, you could sneak out the back, and hide somewhere until it’s all over.”

“We’re not leaving you.” Nick said.

Violet considered. “You should sneak out at the end, and come back here. Make sure he’ll keep his word and actually save Soli and Sunny.”

“What if he doesn’t?” Klaus asked. “What if we have to- what if we can’t-”

“It’s better than doing nothing.” Nick admitted, looking over towards the window. “But what about you? He wants you next to Lilac. He’ll notice if you’re gone.”

“I’ll just have to take my chances.” Violet said, trying to look brave, reaching her right hand up to pull her ribbon out of her hair.

“Violet-” Klaus began.

“Wait.” Violet stopped, just as she pulled out her ribbon. She stared down it, thinking hard.

“Violet?” Lilac asked. “Are you okay?”

Violet surprised them all by smiling, her face lighting up. “I have an idea.” she said. “Lilac-”

They heard a slam, and they all jumped, looking up as Count Olaf once again entered, followed by the man with hooks for hands.

“It’s showtime, orphans.” he said, and Lilac stared hard at the ground, trying to hide her trembling. Violet put a hand over hers, her and Nick both glaring at their guardian as Klaus hastily kicked the books aside. “My associate will stay in this room with your sisters, and should anything go wrong during tonight’s performance, your sisters will be dropped to their death. Come along now.”

Violet bit her lip, stuffing her ribbon into her pocket, glancing at the window before grabbing Lilac’s left arm, tugging it slightly as they walked. Lilac simply stared at her, confused, but Violet couldn’t dare say anything aloud as they walked down the stairs, and out the door, and down the block to the theater; it wasn’t as far from their house as they thought, which they supposed was good; should they need to get Sunny and Soli quickly, it wouldn’t take long.

Backstage at The Marvelous Marriage was incredibly busy. The Baudelaires were left alone for a few moments, watching several actors, stagehands and members of the troupe rush around the stage, pushing props aside, throwing costumes on and whispering instructions to each other. Loud music was playing several feet away, and the Baudelaires assumed that meant the show had already begun. After a few minutes, a stagehand ushered a very distressed Nick and Klaus away for their costumes, and the two White-Faced Women took Lilac and Violet into a brightly-lit dressing room, filled with actors chatting and changing costumes. Lilac had her dress pulled off, and found herself shoved into a lacy white wedding dress, her hair pulled out of its braids and a flower crown shoved on, while Violet found herself in a frilly gown that was too puffy for her liking.

“Lilac-” Violet began, but she wasn’t sure what to say while surrounded by people who may-or-may-not be helping Olaf. She glanced to the side, and saw Justice Strauss, sitting in a chair with a large law book. “Justice Strauss!” she called, and the woman looked up, smiling upon seeing the two girls.

“Hello, Baudelaires!” she said, walking over as Lilac had a sash tied around her waist. “You children look wonderful!”

“So do you.” Violet said, forcing a smile on her face, trying to look calm. “May I see that book?”

“Only for a little while,” Justice Strauss said, handing over the book to her. “Count Olaf told me to bring a law book and read a real wedding ceremony, to make the play as realistic as possible.”

“You know,” Lilac said, watching as the White-Faced Women stepped away from them a moment to help an actress remove a stuck jacket, “It would be very entertaining if you changed some of the words.”

“Yeah, improv a bit.” Violet said. “It’s not… it’s not like it’s a real wedding.”

Justice Strauss frowned. “I don’t know, children. I think it would be best to follow Count Olaf’s instructions, he knows much more about theater. Where are your brothers?”

“Other dressing room, I assume.” Lilac said sadly.

“That reminds me, could you tell Klaus that I may have found something interesting, about his mysterious object, I believe it may be-”

“Justice Strauss!” called a voice, and a woman came up. “You’re to report to the makeup artist.”

“Oh, I get to wear makeup!” Justice Strauss said excitedly. “I’ll see you onstage, my dears!”

Violet sighed and handed her back the book, and as she left, Lilac said, “Maybe we could pretend to be sick. Do you know how to make someone throw up?”

“Lilac, I have an idea.” Violet said. “You have to sign the document in your own hand.”

“Yes, Violet, I’m aware.”

“In your own hand.” Violet said, glancing around to see if anyone was listening.

“Yes?”

“We may have a loophole.” Violet said. “Don’t use your own hand.”

Lilac stared at her. “How the hell else am I supposed to sign it?”

Before Violet could answer, one of the White-Faced Women ran up to her and dragged her back out the door, the other shepherding Lilac in the same direction. The two girls were placed in a spot on stage as the curtain fell for the next scene transition.

After a moment, they spotted Nick and Klaus in the crowd of people, dressed in some ridiculous sailor suits. If it wasn’t such a stressful situation, the girls might find that sight a bit funny. The twins spotted them, and they stared a moment, before Violet nodded, gesturing towards the backdoor. And when Nick pulled Klaus into the crowd, the two boys disappearing from sight, Lilac sighed, “At least they’ve got a chance.”

“We do, too.” Violet whispered. They were surrounded by people, so she couldn’t say much, but she grabbed her sister’s left hand, squeezing it and saying, “Just sign it.”

“I don’t…” Lilac began, and then she glanced down at her hand, and then back up at Violet, the gears in her head turning slightly.

“You have to sign it in your own hand.” Violet repeated.

Lilac glanced up at her, finally clicking.

“That won’t work.”

“Do you have any other ideas?”

Lilac shook her head, and then, as the curtains started to rise, she admitted, “Vi, I’m scared.”

“It’s okay.” Violet said, letting go of her left hand and grabbing onto her right. “I am, too. But you can do this.”

The curtains opened, and the final act of the play began.

“What do we do?” Klaus asked, trembling in the cold air.

Nick threw off the stupid jacket, ignoring the chill that hit him. “We do what Lilac and Violet said. We go back to the house, and we find a way to get Soli and Sunny back.”

“And how are we supposed to do that?” Klaus asked. “We’re fucked if we get caught. Hell, Olaf might notice we’re gone and come get us right now.”

“Then we better get moving.” Nick said. “I saw the troupe member Violet said was guarding the stairs in the crowd, so we might be able to get up that way. We won’t have to climb the tower.”

“Good, cause I can’t climb for shit.” Klaus said, wiping his face with his sleeve.

“We wouldn’t do as good as Lilac or Violet anyway.” Nick shrugged. “If we had to make something.”

“What about the hook-handed man?” Klaus asked. “He’s guarding the room.”

“We’ll figure it out.” Nick said. “Come on.”

Klaus nodded, grabbing his brother’s hand. “Nick?”

“Yeah?”

“We’re going to be okay, right?”

“Lilac and Violet will think of something.” Nick nodded. “They always do.”

“I know. But are we gonna figure something out?”

“Course we will. Now,” Nick turned towards the direction of the house, narrowing his eyes. “Let’s get our sisters back.”

The third act went on for a very long time, and Violet was somehow getting both nervous and bored. She gripped tight onto her sister’s hand whenever Olaf began another monologue, scanning the audience. She could barely see any faces, but if she squinted and moved her hand over her eyes, she could make out a few. She saw Mr Poe a few rows back, watching intently with his wife- shit, yeah, she was a reporter, of course she’d be here… although Violet didn’t think she was a theater reporter, but then again, she seemed to love writing whatever she wanted.

An adult pulled her arm down, whispering something about not looking into the audience, and Violet pulled away sharply, almost leaning into Lilac, who was staring down at her hand and shaking. She kept reaching up to push her hair back, annoyed at it being down and falling over her shoulders.

When Justice Strauss finally made her way centerstage, one of the White-Faced Women pushed Lilac forwards, and Lilac stumbled across the stage, almost tripping over her dress, followed by Violet, who was once again staring into the audience so she didn’t have to look at what was happening onstage. Lilac and Olaf stopped in the middle of stage, and Lilac desperately tried to be brave.

Justice Strauss began her speech, and Lilac stared at the wall, gripping onto Violet’s hand. It seemed to go on forever, and all Lilac could think was please don’t let Olaf notice that Nick and Klaus are gone, please don’t let him tell the hook-handed man to drop Soli and Sunny, and please, please, let this work. Let this work.

“Do you,” Justice Strauss said, “Take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

“I do.” Count Olaf said, smiling. Violet felt Lilac shudder beside her.

“Do you,” Justice Strauss turned to Lilac, who hesitantly let go of Violet’s hand, and Violet stepped back, shutting her eyes tight, “Take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

Lilac hesitated a moment, her throat feeling clogged up. Then she choked out, “I do.”

Justice Strauss took the document from one of the other actors, placing it onto a small table. Olaf signed it first, taking a long quill pen from the table and writing quickly.

And, slowly, Lilac reached out her left hand, and wrote her name beside his. 

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TEN

in which the Baudelaires crash a Wedding

“What do we do?” Klaus asked again.

The boys had reached the house and, indeed, nobody was at the bottom of the staircase. They stopped about halfway up, realizing quite quickly that they couldn’t just barge into the tower room with no plan.

“Shit.” Nick muttered. “We have to hurry, the third act can’t be that long, when Lilac and Violet figure something out, Olaf’ll make his henchperson drop the girls… we can’t-”

“Wait.” Klaus thought carefully. “I might have a plan. You’re still faster than me, right?”

“Everyone’s faster than you.”

“How fast do you think you could get from the door to the window?” Klaus asked.

“I dunno, fast?”

“And could you get the cage down? Without dropping it, like I would because my coordination is shit?”

Nick nodded.

“You can work a lock better than me, too, right? And you’re still bad at hide-and-seek?”

“What are you saying, bud?”

“Well,” Klaus said, “I have a plan, and you’re not going to like it, but it’s our best bet.”

“Sounds like fun.” Nick said, glancing at the stairs. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to run as fast as I fucking can.” Klaus said.

“Are you sure you two have never played before?”

The Hook-Handed Man had gotten bored after about five minutes in the tower, and he’d managed to find a deck of cards and push it into the birdcage. While Sunny’s hands were still tied up, Solitude held their cards, and Sunny would gesture to the ones she thought they should play.

Solitude shrugged, muttering something under the tape. She wondered if she could convince the man to hand them a blanket; the air kept shaking the cage, and she could feel Sunny shiver beside her.

Suddenly, they heard what sounded like a thump against the tower door. Soli stiffened, as the Hook-Handed Man told them to wait a moment. He stood up, putting his cards onto the chair and heading towards the door. Solitude leaned against Sunny, and Sunny glared towards the man, huffing a little.

The Hook-Handed Man opened the door, and then yelled, “Hey!”

Some kind of sailor hat flew over his shoulder, and as it landed against the wall, it unrolled, revealing a rock inside of it. The infants heard a familiar voice say, “Crap!” before the Hook-Handed Man raced out of the room. They heard several steps on the staircase, and under the tape on her mouth, Sunny mumbled, “Klaus?”

In a second, though, the door swung open again, and the toddlers’ eyes widened as Nick raced in, running for the cage. He reached out, leaning out the window as far as he could in order to unhook it.

“Nick!” Solitude tried to say, her voice still muffled.

“Stay still!” Nick whispered, glancing over his shoulder. “I don’t know how long Klaus can distract him. He said he could run down the stairs, but you know him.”

He finally unhooked the cage, and he managed to lift it into the room. He slammed it onto the floor and said, “Girls, where’s the key? The key to the lock?”

Solitude shrugged, but Sunny mumbled something. She started gesturing her head to the right, and Nick glanced towards the desk. “On the desk?” She shook her head, trying to mime something. After a moment, Nick said, “In a drawer?” Sunny nodded. “Which one?” Sunny rolled her eyes, but then stared at him and blinked once. “One? The top one?” Nod. “Right or left?” A nod to the right.

Nick raced to the desk, opening the top drawer on the right. He dug through several papers and boxes of matches, some of which had the Eye etched into them, which unnerved him quite a bit. He finally found the key underneath a crumpled page, and he raced back, hurriedly unlocking the cage door. He threw it open, and Solitude raced from the cage, throwing herself into his arms and letting out a still slightly muffled cry of joy.

“Soli!” Nick cheered, and he reached around her to pull on the ropes that held Sunny. When they finally broke, Sunny crawled from the cage and onto his lap, also hugging him tight. “Sunny! Oh, my girls, are you okay? I’m never letting you two out of my sight again.”

Solitude gestured to the tape, and carefully, Nick ripped it off her face, before moving to Sunny. “Nick!” was all Solitude said, her face lighting up.

“I’m here.” Nick nodded. “But we have to hurry. If Klaus didn’t trip and fall on his ass, he’ll be hiding somewhere in the house, and we need to help him get out, too. And then we need to let Lilac and Violet know we’re all safe, so they can get the hell away from that play.”

Klaus reached the bottom of the stairs with a thump, almost tripping as he did. He raced around a corner, ignoring the sound of footsteps getting closer to him. He burst into the kitchen and, quick as a flash, he opened a pantry door and pulled himself inside, hiding in an area under the sink. He’d remembered it being empty and big enough to fit him from his cleaning of the room, just a few days ago. He made sure the door was shut behind him, and then he curled into a corner, hugging himself and trying to breathe as quietly as possible.

He heard the Hook-Handed Man run into the kitchen, and he flinched as he heard him slow as he entered the room. “Come on, boy,” he heard the man call, “Come on out. You want to play?”

Klaus shut his eyes tight, gripping onto the edge of his shirt. He thought he heard footsteps going around the room, and doors swinging open, but that might’ve just been his imagination trying to scare him. Wait, no… no, he definitely heard a door slam. Shit, shit, he was going to be found out… what would happen if he was caught? If Nick got out, like they’d planned, and didn’t meet him outside… hopefully he’d take Solitude and Sunny somewhere safe, even if Klaus couldn’t get out. Maybe the Hook-Handed Man would throw him from the tower, instead of Soli and Sunny. No, no, don’t think about that, don’t…

He thought the footsteps were getting closer, and he struggled to breathe, feeling himself start to shake. Shit, he had to stop that, he had to…

He heard some kind of crash in the yard, and then he heard the Hook-Handed Man whisper, “The hell?” And then the footsteps disappeared. Klaus didn’t dare move, trying to keep himself calm. What was that? Had Nick dropped the birdcage out the window? He pictured his sisters falling, so close to rescue…

The cabinet door opened, and Klaus gasped, whipping around and feeling fear leap through him.

“Chill, Klaus, it’s just us!” Nick whispered, and Klaus let out a joyful cry to see Solitude holding Nick’s hand, as he held Sunny with another arm. Klaus crawled out of the door, picking Soli up as he did and hugging her.

“What happened? What’d you do?” Klaus asked.

Nick gestured for Klaus to follow him in the opposite direction of the yard. As they started running, he said, “I stuffed the birdcage with some bottles and blankets, so when he’s outside, he won’t immediately notice they’re gone, he’ll see dark silhouettes and assume it’s them. Then I did what you said and threw some shit out the window until it knocked something over, so he thinks you’re in the yard.”

“I forgot I told you to do that.” Klaus admitted, holding Soli to him as close as he could as Nick pushed open the front door, leading them outside.

“Then what did you think that noise was?”

“I don’t know.” Klaus said. “Sunny, Soli, are you okay?”

Soli and Sunny nodded, clutching tightly to their brothers.

“Okay,” Klaus said, “Then we have to get to the theater, before they can finish the play.”

“I’ve always wanted to crash a wedding.” Nick said, smiling slightly, happy now that his baby sisters were safe.

“Of course you have.”

“And now,” Count Olaf said, stepping forward to address the audience, “I have an announcement. There is no reason to continue tonight’s performance, for its purpose has been served.”

Lilac dropped the pen onto the table, stepping back and taking deep breaths, trying to remain calm. Violet raced forwards, grabbing her arm again, as someone clapped. Olaf shot them a look, and then said, “This has not been a scene of fiction. My marriage to Lilac Baudelaire is perfectly legal, and now I am in control of her entire fortune.”

There were gasps from the audience, and the older Baudelaires saw some of the extras behind them also look at one another in shock.

“That can’t be!” Justice Strauss cried.

“The marriage laws in this community,” Count Olaf said, “Are that there must be statements of ‘I do’ in the presence of a judge- like yourself- and the signing of an explanatory document. And all of you-” he gestured to the audience- “Are witnesses.”

“This is preposterous!” said Mr Poe from the audience. “Lilac is a child, she’s not old enough to get married!”

“She is, with permission from her legal guardian.” Count Olaf said. “Which is me.”

“That piece of paper isn’t an official document, it’s only a stage prop!” Justice Strauss protested.

“I think you’ll find that it is an official document from City Hall.” Olaf said.

Justice Strauss took the document, eyes widening in horror. Violet bit her lip, tears springing to her eyes as the judge said, “You’re right. This marriage, unfortunately, is completely legal. Lilac, you said ‘I do,’ and signed your name here on the paper. Count Olaf… you are Lilac’s husband, and therefore in complete control of her estate.” She turned to the two girls, also tearing up. “I can’t believe how easily I was tricked! I would never do anything to harm you children-”

“You were easily tricked.” Count Olaf said, grinning. “It was all child’s play, winning this fortune.” He reached forwards, grabbing for Lilac’s other arm, but Violet pushed her older sister behind her, as if she could shield her by herself. He simply gave her a smug look and said, “Now, if all of you will excuse us, my bride and I need to go home for our wedding night.”

Lilac held back tears, and Violet cried, “First let Sunny and Soli go! You promised to let them go!”

“Where are they?” Justice Strauss asked, suddenly realizing she hadn’t seen the infants all night.

“They’re all tied up at the moment.” Count Olaf said, smirking a little. His eyes shone as he pulled a walkie-talkie from his suit pocket and pressed several buttons, before saying, “Drop the pipsqueaks.”

“No!” Lilac screamed, and Violet let out a cry of horror.

At that moment, the doors behind the audience swung open, and they heard a cry of, “Stop the play!”

Violet and Lilac let out shouts of joy as Klaus and Nick raced down the aisle, sliding to a stop somewhere in the middle, both holding a toddler. Solitude let out a laugh and a wave, and Sunny smirked towards the stage, looking very proud of herself for not being dead.

Count Olaf looked very displeased, but he said, “That hardly matters. You children are all still my responsibility, so we will go home, and tomorrow, Mr Poe, I shall come down to the bank and withdraw the complete Baudelaire fortune.”

As Nick and Klaus ran to the side of the stage, up some stairs, so they could get closer to their older sisters, and they heard Poe say, “I won’t allow it! I absolutely will not allow it!”

“You absolutely will.” Olaf replied.

“I’m- I’m afraid that Count Olaf is right.” Justice Strauss said, through her tears. “This marriage is legally binding.”

Lilac pushed past Violet, and said as loud as she could, “Begging your pardon! But I think you may be wrong.”

Everyone turned to look at the eldest Baudelaire orphan, as Violet stepped back slightly to hug her younger siblings.

“What did you say, Countess?” Olaf said sharply.

“I’m not your Countess!” Lilac said testily, stepping away from him. “At least, I don’t think I am.”

“And why is that?” Olaf snapped.

“I did not sign the document in my own hand, as the law states.” Lilac said.

“What do you mean? We all saw you!”

“I’m afraid he’s right, dear,” Justice Strauss said sadly. “There’s no use denying it. There are too many witnesses.”

“But I’m right-handed.” Lilac protested. “I signed the document with my left hand.”

“What?” Olaf snatched the paper from Justice Strauss, looking down at the signature. “You are a liar!”

“If you like,” Violet said, shooting him a glare, “We can get another piece of paper for her to sign with her right hand, and then her left. We can see which signature the one on the document most resembles.”

“A small detail like that doesn’t matter in the least.” Count Olaf said.

“I think that decision is for Justice Strauss.” Nick said quickly.

“She’s the legal scholar here!” Klaus added.

Justice Strauss closed her eyes, thinking hard. “Let me see.” After a long pause, in which the Baudelaires all held their breath, she smiled. “If Lilac is right-handed, and she signed the document with her left hand, then her signature does not fulfill the requirements of nuptial laws. The law clearly states that the document must be signed in the bride’s own hand. Therefore, we can conclude that this marriage is invalid. Lilac, you are not a countess, and Count Olaf is not in control of the Baudelaire fortune.”

Nick and Solitude shared identical grins, and Klaus breathed a sigh of relief, grabbing onto Violet’s hand. Violet grabbed Lilac’s hand, pulling her back with them, and Sunny let out a small laugh.

Count Olaf, meanwhile, simply glared at the group of children. He pointed a finger at Lilac, who stiffened, moving in front in case he tried to hurt one of her siblings, and the Count said, “You may not be my wife, but you are still my daughter, and-”

“Do you honestly think,” Poe said, standing up, “That I will allow you to continue to care for these children, after the treachery I have seen here tonight?”

“You, Count Olaf,” Justice Strauss said, “Will go to jail, and these children will live with me.”

“Really?” Klaus asked, eyes wide, smiling brightly.

“We could live with you?” Violet added hopefully.

“Of course!” Justice Strauss said. “And this series of unfortunate events will finally be over!”

And just as she said that, a member of Count Olaf’s troupe, who had slipped away from the group as everyone spoke, went to the wall and flipped the main switch, turning all the lights in the theater off. People gasped and screamed, and the Baudelaires all heard audience members and extras start to run around. Nick and Klaus held their baby sisters close, so that they wouldn’t get hurt, and Violet quickly grabbed onto her brothers’ arms, but Lilac immediately ran off, remembering where the lights had been, her hands spread out in front of her so she wouldn’t run into anyone, managing to step around set pieces as best she could. She managed to find the right wall, and she moved her hands across it, searching for the switch. When she finally got her hands around it, she suddenly felt a cold hand on her shoulder, and she heard a dark whisper in her ear.

“I’ll get my hands on your fortune if it’s the last thing I do.” the voice hissed. “And when I do, I will tear you and your siblings from limb to limb.”

Lilac shut her eyes tight, took a deep breath, and then flicked the switch on.

The entire theater was flooded with light, and as everyone looked around, Lilac turned; nobody was touching her shoulder anymore, and Count Olaf was gone.

As she made her way back over to her siblings, hoisting up the skirt of her awful wedding dress, they heard gasps and cries of, “Where is Count Olaf?” and “Where did he go?” and “Wait until the readers of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!”

“You have to go after him!” Violet called, finally releasing her brothers, looking to the audience. “Someone find him, we have to-”

“Children,” Justice Strauss said, moving closer to them, “Let the authorities worry about that. You come home with me-”

“I’m sorry,” Mr Poe said, coming up to the group still onstage, “But the children must come with me. I cannot allow you to be raised by someone who is not a relative.”

“What?” Violet cried.

“After all that Justice Strauss has done for us?” Nick pleaded.

“We never would’ve figured out Count Olaf’s plan without her and her library!” Klaus added.

“We would’ve died without her.” Lilac said quietly.

“That may be so,” Mr Poe said, “But your parents’ will is very specific. You must be adopted by a relative. Tonight you will stay with me in my home, and tomorrow I shall go to the bank and figure out what to do with you.”

The children looked at Justice Strauss, and she sighed heavily, and then hugged each of them in turn. “Mr Poe is right,” she said sadly. “You must respect your parents’ wishes.”

Lilac hugged her tight, and when she pulled away, she said, “We’ll miss you, Justice Strauss. Thank you for everything.”

And then, quietly, the six siblings followed the Poes to their car. They all had to pile into the backseat, and they barely fit. Nick sat Solitude in his lap and refused to let go of her for even a moment, and Sunny shifted between her siblings, not wanting to be separate from any of them. Lilac ripped the flower crown from her hair, tossing it into the grass before the car started.

Softly, Violet looked over at her, and grinned slightly. “Your makeup’s ridiculous.” she said, giggling.

Lilac stared at her a moment, and then allowed herself a small smile. It was good to know that Violet was alright enough to get back to making fun of her. She reached out her arm, putting it around her sister, and as they drove, Sunny fell asleep on Klaus’s lap, and he pulled out the mysterious cylinder to play with as he stared out the window. Nick and Solitude fell asleep pretty soon, too, still hugging each other, but Lilac and Violet just stared ahead, ignoring Mr and Ms Poe’s chatter, their faces falling as the terrible night sunk in.

“Do you think he’ll come after us again?” Violet finally asked, her voice low.

Lilac shut her eyes. “Probably.” she admitted.

Violet put her head on her sister’s shoulder. “Well. We’ll just have to beat him again, won’t we?”

“Yeah.” Lilac nodded, looking around the back of the car at her siblings. “Yeah, we will.”

“Does this mean you’ll let me carry throwing knives?”

“No.”

“Coward.”

“Bitch.”

Violet laughed, and after a moment, so did Lilac.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER ELEVEN

in which the Baudelaires meet their next Guardian

“Lousy Lane smells like shit.” Nick muttered to Solitude, who giggled. Klaus leaned over Violet to elbow him in the ribs, and Violet pushed him away, huffing in annoyance.

Poe’s car sped past the sickly gray fields surrounding the road of Lousy Lane, a handful of bitter apple trees dotting the field.

“Technically,” Violet said, staring over her brother’s shoulder and out the window, “It smells like horseradish.”

“I hope,” Mr Poe said, coughing slightly as they made a turn on the road, “That you will find the countryside a pleasant change.”

“Perhaps.” Lilac said, staring out the window blankly, only really paying attention to the landscape and the reflection of Sunny kicking her legs.

“I think you’ll like Dr Montgomery, too,” Poe said. “He has travelled a great deal, and I’m sure that means he has plenty of stories to tell.”

“Bax.” Solitude muttered, looking up at Nick, who still held her and had refused to let her out of his sight the last two days. She meant, “So long as this relative doesn’t try to kill us all.”

Nick nodded, and Klaus asked, “How is Dr Montgomery related to us?”

“Dr Montgomery is your father’s cousin’s wife’s brother.” Poe answered, after another cough. “He’s a scientist of some sort.”

“What should we call him?” Lilac asked.

“You should call him Dr Montgomery,” Poe replied, “Unless he tells you to call him by his last name, so you’ll call him Montgomery, or by his first name, in which case you’ll call him Montgomery.”

Nick instantly beamed. “His name is Montgomery Montgomery?”

Lilac shot Nick a glare, as Poe said, “Yes, and I’m sure he’s very sensitive about that, so don’t ridicule him.” He paused to cough, before saying, “‘Ridicule’ means ‘tease.’”

“We know what ‘ridicule’ means.” VIolet said.

“What sort of scientist is he?” Lilac asked, as Sunny pulled her older sister’s ribbon from her dress and started to gnaw on it; Lilac gently shoved her, and Sunny guiltily handed it back.

“I’m afraid I don’t know.” Poe admitted. “I’ve been too busy making arrangements for you six to make chit-chat. Oh, here we are!”

The siblings all looked out the windows, and after a pause, Nick said, “Well, Li, there’s your answer.”

As Poe’s car pulled up to the steep gravel driveway to the enormous stone house before them, they could see a vast, green lawn, covered in shrubs and hedges that had been trimmed to resemble long serpents. They seemed to lead to a maze slightly to the left, and as the children got out of the car, they all felt a bit nervous, as if the hedge animals were watching them. Solitude leaned over slightly, looking at the closest hedge, but Nick pulled her back.

They walked up to the house, and Poe, barely even glancing at the shrubs, said, “Now, Klaus, don’t ask too many questions right away. Nick, please be polite.”

“I am always polite, how dare you?” Nick said, and Klaus once again elbowed him in the ribs. “Fuck, Klaus!”

“Language!” Lilac snapped.

Nick flipped her off, which Poe thankfully didn’t see. “And someone, please make certain that the twins don’t bite him.”

“Why would we bite him?” Klaus asked blankly.

“Not you, the twins.”

“We’re the twins.” Nick sighed. “Soli and Sunny aren’t.”

“Of course you are.” Poe said. He stepped up to the door and rang a loud doorbell. The siblings all stiffened, and Nick hugged Solitude a bit more. Sunny leaned against Lilac’s shoulder, and Klaus grabbed onto Violet’s hand.

The door opened, and a tall, smiling man said, “Hello, hello, hello! You must be the Baudelaires!”

He stepped back so that they could enter the house, and they walked into a large, brightly-lit foyer. “This is perfect timing,” he said, grabbing a large dish that held several slices of cake, each put onto its own plate, “As I have just finished frosting this coconut cream cake. Go ahead, take a plate!”

The children all hesitated, looking to Lilac, who inspected the cake a moment, before taking one herself, grabbing a fork from the edge of the dish. Violet and Nick reached next, and then Klaus. Solitude took one plate, having to use both hands to hold it, and thus not taking a fork and simply leaning over and biting off a chunk, frosting getting onto her face.

“Doesn’t Sunny want a piece?” Dr Montgomery asked.

“Our sister prefers very hard foods.” Lilac replied, looking down at the infant, who was scanning the room.

“Very unusual for an infant,” Dr Montgomery said, “But not so much for many snakes. Perhaps Sunny would like a raw carrot?”

He produced one from his pocket, and Sunny’s eyes lit up. “Uyuh,” she said, which meant, “That would be lovely.” She took the carrot, starting to gnaw on the edge.

“Dr Montgomery-” Violet began.

“Oh, please, none of that ‘Dr Montgomery’ stuff.” their new guardian said. “Call me Uncle Monty!”

Violet bit her lip, and Klaus said, “Um, what are you a scientist of?”

“Klaus,” Poe said with a disappointed tone, “Don’t ask him too many questions, now-”

“Oh, that’s quite alright!” Monty said with a grin towards Klaus. “Questions show an inquisitive mind. I’m a herpetologist, children, do you know what that means?”

“Well, ‘ologist’ means the ‘study of.’” Nick said carefully.

“Snakes!” Monty said excitedly. “I study snakes! I circle the globe looking for different reptiles to study here in my laboratory! Isn’t that interesting?”

“That does sound interesting.” Lilac said carefully. “Isn’t it dangerous?”

“Not if you know the facts.” Monty said. He turned towards Poe, and said, “Mr Poe, would you also like some cake?”

“Oh, no, I really must be going.” Poe said, before pulling out his handkerchief to cough into. “Remember, children, if you need to contact me, you can always call me at Mulctuary Money Management.”

“The children won’t be needing anything from you.” Monty said quickly. “The children are in my care, and I will be dedicating myself to their safety, comfort and happiness as enthusiastically as I dedicate myself to my studies.”

Suddenly, and very quickly, Klaus said, “Our parents’ fortune can’t be used until Lilac come of age.”

“Klaus!” Poe admonished. “Don’t be rude! Though, legally, he is correct.”

“I don’t give a fig about the Baudelaire fortune,” Monty said. “What with my salary from the Herpetological Society. Though, as a scientist, Klaus, I do admire your skepticism. It’s understandable after what you children have been through.”

“Ah, you must be referring to that unpleasantness with Count Olaf.” Poe said, before coughing into his handkerchief. “Well, that’s all over and done with, isn’t it? I’ll see myself out. Goodbye, children.”

“Goodbye, Mr Poe.” Lilac said.

“Sayonara.” Soli giggled, meaning, “Good riddance.”

“Yeet.” Sunny said.

Poe turned and left, and as the door closed behind him, Monty said, “I do hope you children will forgive me if I seemed rude to him, but frankly, that man ruffles my scales. ‘Unpleasantness with Count Olaf?’ He’s the one who put you with him in the first place! But it does not matter; you are safe now, children. Just like your parents would have wanted.”

The six siblings exchanged looks with each other, and Lilac said, “Dr Montgomery-”

“Monty, please.”

“Monty,” Lilac said, “Did you know our parents?”

Monty looked surprised. “Why, of course I did! Didn’t they ever tell you about me?”

The siblings shook their heads.

“Well, that is surprising.” he said. “We practically grew up together! Come with me, your rooms are upstairs.”

They followed him up a large staircase and as they did, he pointed to a photo on the wall. “See? There we are.”

The photo was only of a grand piano. “There’s no one in that picture.” Nick said.

“We’re locked inside the piano.” Monty said simply. “Oh, we were so young. Well, come along.”

The walls of Monty’s house were decorated with photos of reptiles of all sorts, and on the second floor, Monty showed them a large selection of rooms. “You may each have your own, if you like,” he said, “Or I have some guest rooms with double beds, if two of you would like to share.”

“We can choose our own rooms?” Nick asked, excited.

“Of course!”

“And we can each have our own?” Lilac asked.

“Yes, of course! Who would force you all to share a room in such a large house?”

“Count Olaf did.” Klaus said.

“Oh, right, of course.” Monty looked upset. “What a horrible man. Well, you children pick your rooms, and then meet me at the stairs, and I’ll show you my reptile room!”

Solitude looked up curiously. “Serpentium?” she asked, meaning, “What reptile room?”

“My sister would like to know what you mean.” Nick said quickly.

“Oh, well, you’ll see soon enough!” Monty said excitedly.

Hesitantly, the children nodded, and after he left, Nick said, “Do you think we can trust him?”

“He seems nice enough.” Violet said.

“I don’t like this.” Klaus said quietly. “Why wouldn’t our parents mention him to us if they knew him?”

Lilac pushed a braid behind her ear, and said, “Just… stick close to me, but… for now, I think we’ll be alright. Probably alright sleeping in separate rooms if you want.”

“I want to share with Nick.” Klaus said quickly. “I don’t like being alone.”

“And I want to stay with Soli.” Nick said.

“Same.” Soli nodded, cuddling up against her brother.

“Sunny can stay with me.” Lilac said. “Violet, you should probably get your own room, though. If we share a room, we might rip each other apart.”

“I guess.” Violet shrugged. “It’d be nice to have some space. And you guys won’t bug me about sleeping in.”

They smiled a little, and went to pick rooms close enough to each other.

“Are you children ready?” Monty asked excitedly, leading them down the staircase.

“I guess.” Lilac said. She glanced over at Klaus, who was now the one holding Sunny, still biting on the carrot.

“Now,” Monty said, as they approached a large door inbetween two staircases, covered in gears and complicated mechanics, “Baudelaires, I am about to show you one of the most important scientific collections in the history of the world! Spies and rivals in the world of herpetology would eat nine garter snakes to get a glimpse of the wonders inside this room. This door has been installed with a top-of-the-line security system.”

He hit a panel on it, and the gears started turning and whirring, a small bulb lighting up. Lilac and Violet, fascinated, stared at the door as Monty continued, “You  can’t get inside unless you have nineteen keys, three combinations, two fingerprints and one optical scan.”

Then, he smiled and said, “Or, as I share with my most trusted associates… by turning this doorknob right here.”

He pressed the panel again, and the gears stopped, and he simply turned the knob and opened the door. Nick let out a small laugh, while Klaus bit back a grin.

“This,” Monty said, opening the door wider so that the siblings could step inside, “Is the Reptile Room.”

Lilac stepped inside first, followed closely by Violet and Klaus. The second Nick entered, he glanced down at Solitude to see her eyes light up completely. The glass-walled room was filled, almost completely, with reptiles of all sorts, lined in different cages all across the room, some locked, some open. Violet stopped beside a glass cage with what looked like a winged toad, while Lilac stared at a lizard that looked vaguely like an owl. Klaus glanced between the animals for a bit, and then, excitedly, ran over to the far wall, which was covered top-to-bottom in books on reptiles.

“That’s a two-headed cobra!” Nick said, recognizing an animal. He ran over, and Soli put her hands against the glass, eyes wide.

“Well spotted!” Monty said, and then he held out his arm and, amazed, the children watched a lizard fly down from a perch on the ceiling and land on his hand. “And this is a Winged Lizard. You see its yellow belly? A sign of camouflage and cowardice.”

“Whoa.” Solitude said, eyes locked on the animal.

“Does this snake have three mouths?” Violet asked.

“It does indeed.” Monty nodded, smiling.

“Froggy!” Solitude called, and a small brown-green frog with what looked like a black mask marking hopped across a table, looking over at her. She leaned over, and it leapt into her hands, and she let out an excited squeal. “Froggy!”

“That is one of the smallest frogs in our collection.” Monty said. “But size is no guarantee of power, is it, Solitude? That frog is very long-living, can switch genders at will, and is incredibly adaptable. You can name them if you like.”

Solitude looked like Monty had just given her the world, and the tiny frog hopped onto her shoulder. She giggled as it curled up against her, as if preparing to fall asleep on her sleeve. "Babbitt!" she cried with delight. 

“This place is amazing.” Lilac said, looking up at the tall glass ceiling.

“Thank you.” Monty said. “It’s taken a lifetime to put together.”

“And we’re allowed to come inside?” Violet asked. “And read these books?”

“Allowed?” Monty repeated. “You are not simply allowed, you are implored to come in!”

“Dr Montgomery?” Klaus asked, his face suddenly falling into an expression of slight suspicion.

“Yes, my boy?”

“What’s under that cage? With the cloth on top of it?”

Monty’s eyes gleamed, and he said, “Good question! Come here, children, come here, and allow me to show you our newest addition.”

The children all followed Uncle Monty to the corner of the room, where a huge, towering cage sat, covered in a white sheet. Soli leaned over, almost falling out of Nick’s arms in an attempt to peer through it. Sunny leaned over, too, and Klaus, in annoyance, put her onto the ground.

“This, my dears,” Monty said. “Is a new snake which I brought over from my last journey. My assistant, Gustav, and I are the only people to have seen it. Next month, I will present it to the Herpetological Society as a new discovery.”

With a flourish, Monty grabbed the cloth, tossing it off the cage. Inside, the Baudelaires could see a large, black snake, that looked art them with emerald-green eyes. The snake uncoiled itself, moving closer, with Soli and Nick’s eyes glued to it in fascination. It was larger than any snake they’d ever seen before.

“I discovered it,” Monty said, “So I get to name it.”

“What’s it called?” Lilac called.

Uncle Monty smiled. “The Incredibly Deadly Viper.”

At that moment, the snake jumped forwards at the door of the cage, and when it flew open, before anybody could say or do anything, the Incredibly Deadly Viper fell onto the ground and bit Sunny right on the chin.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWELVE

in which Sunny makes a Friend

“Sunny!” Lilac screamed, terror gripping her.

“Do something!” Nick shouted at Monty, as he stepped backwards, clutching Solitude and shifting her so that he could shield her from the snake on the ground, that had now wrapped around their infant sister. Solitude, for her part, grabbed her tiny frog friend and clasped it in her hands, barely covering it.

“What are you doing?” Violet asked as Monty just started to laugh.

“You let a deadly snake bite our sister!” Lilac shouted.

“I told you we couldn’t trust him!” Klaus said, stepping back, “I told you we couldn’t trust him!”

However, as they watched, Sunny only shook her head slightly, appearing unbothered by the snake. She stared for a moment, before giggling and leaning forwards, biting the snake on the nose. He reared back, staring in confusion, before wrapping around her more and sticking out its tongue, hissing a little. Sunny giggled, waving her arms, and the snake, looking almost excited, waved his tail, ticking the back of her head. She continued to laugh and wave her arms, looking much more excited than her siblings thought she had any right to be.

Monty finally stopped laughing, and he bent down, picking up the snake and placing it back in its cage. Sunny, giggling, waved towards it as Lilac jumped forwards and picked her up.

“How could you do that?” Lilac asked, checking Sunny over for injuries.

“I am sorry, children,” Monty said, still chuckling slightly, “But you need not worry! The Incredibly Deadly Viper is one of the least dangerous and most friendly creatures in the animal kingdom. Sunny has nothing to worry about.”

The siblings stared at him in suspicion and bewilderment. “But,” Nick said, still holding Solitude away from the snake cage, even as the toddler tried to lean towards it to see the snake slither around. “It’s called the Incredibly Deadly Viper!”

“Yes,” Monty nodded, “It’s a misnomer. Do you know what that means?”

Klaus hesitantly replied, “A very wrong name?”

“Yes!”

“Why would you give your own discovery a very wrong name?” Violet asked.

“Because I intend to play a little joke on the Herpetological Society.” Monty explained.  “Payback for years of ridicule- ‘Hello, hello, Montgomery Montgomery, how are you, how are you, Montgomery Montgomery?’ I’m going to introduce the Incredibly Deadly Viper, and then pretend it’s escaped! And then who’ll be laughing? Me!”

Lilac hesitantly glanced at the cage, where the snake had stopped to wriggle its tongue at Sunny, who giggled and waved. “Are there any snakes in this room that are dangerous?” she asked carefully, exchanging a cautious look with Klaus.

“Of course.” Monty said. “You can’t study snakes for forty years without encountering some dangerous ones. Why, I have a whole cabinet of venom samples from every poisonous snake known to humankind, so I can study the way those creatures work. But all of these snakes are in cages with much sturdier locks, and all of them can be handled safely when one has studied them enough.”

“So they can’t hurt us?” Violet asked.

Monty shook his head. “Come with me- Klaus, I saw you inspecting my scientific library earlier?” He led them over to the wall of books.

“Yes.” Klaus said quietly.

“Here is everything you could possibly need to know.” he said. “And hopefully you will be using this knowledge- in ten days, I hope to take you all with me on my next expedition.”

“We’re going somewhere?” Lilac asked.

“Peru.”

“Peru?” Nick asked, shocked. “Why are we going to Peru?”

“To study and discover the reptiles.” Monty replied simply. “It will be us and my assistant, Gustav- oh, no.”

“What?” Violet asked.

“I forgot, Gustav quite unexpectedly left me a letter of resignation.” Monty said. “Quite a shock, he’d been my assistant for many years. I hired a new assistant, who should be arriving in a week, but I am still way behind on preparations for the expedition.” He smiled, and then said, “I need somebody to make sure all the snake traps are working, so we don’t hurt any of our specimens. Somebody has to read up on the jungle terrain of Peru so we can navigate without trouble. And somebody has to slice an enormous length of rope into small, workable pieces.”

The children all perked up, and Lilac said first, “I’d be happy to learn about snake traps.”

“I’d be happy to reverse-engineer some extra ones.” Violet added.

“I’d love to read up on the Peruvian terrain.” Nick said.

“That might be interesting.” Klaus agreed.

“Eojip!” Sunny shrieked, meaning, “I would be thrilled to bite a rope into small pieces!”

Solitude was silent a moment, and then said, “Snake!”

“Wonderful!” Monty said. “I am incredibly excited to have you children with me! Though, it was very upsetting to receive Gustav’s resignation letter. It’s strange, I never thought he’d leave so suddenly, and he was so excited to go to Peru. I was very unlucky to lose him.”

“Well…” Klaus said quietly. “We know what it’s like to be unlucky.”

Monty nodded and, carefully, he reached out his hands, placing them on Violet and Nick’s shoulders, as they were the ones on the outside of the group. “Now, children, I know that a few dangerous reptiles can make you skeptical of the entire species. But, if you give them a chance, and you get to know them well enough to tell the dangerous from the good, I promise you… no harm will come to you in the Reptile Room.”

The siblings looked to Lilac, and when she smiled and nodded, they did the same.

“What do you guys think?” Klaus asked.

They’d crowded into the twins’ room, and Soli was sitting on Nick’s lap, re-pulling Sunny’s hair into a ponytail and babbling nonstop about the Reptile Room. It took forever for anyone to get a word in edgewise. When Klaus finally spoke up once she took a breath, the others looked to him with a shared concern.

“I think he does want to help us.” Violet said. “He seems to like us.”

“It could just mean he’s sneakier than Count Olaf.” Lilac said.

“I don’t know.” Nick said. “From what I know about herpetology, he probably would get paid a ton, enough to not need our fortune.”

“Still, he’s trying to take us out of the country.” Klaus said. “Doesn’t that seem suspicious?”

“It would be in line with his occupation.” Nick said.

“Snake!” Soli said.

“Solitude,” Lilac said, “I believe you’ve said ‘snake’ more times in the last hour than the rest of us have said in our entire lives.”

“Snake! Snake, snake, snake!” Soli cheered.

“Aw, you like the snakes, Soli?” Nick asked, leaning over and wrapping his arms around her, causing her to laugh wildly. “You like the reptiles? Hey, want me to read to you Uncle Monty’s books tomorrow?”

“Yee!” Solitude shouted, looked absolutely delighted. She leaned back, so that her brother could hug her some more, and he quickly pulled her onto his lap and gave her a kiss on the forehead. She let out a high-pitched laugh, throwing up her arms so she could give him a sort of half-hug around the neck.

“Do you think the room’s safe?” Klaus asked.

“Tomorrow I could inspect the cage locks.” Violet volunteered. “Make sure the venom cabinet is kept out of the way.”

“I could even build our own locks.” Lilac said.

“And I could study up on poison antidotes.” Klaus glanced at the ground.

“Ink!” Sunny said, meaning, “And I can play with the Incredibly Deadly Viper!”

Violet laughed slightly. “Oh, yes, that’s helpful, Sun.”

“Snake!” Soli repeated. Her siblings were starting to wonder if she’d forgotten how to say anything else.

“Seriously, though, I think Uncle Monty actually likes us.” Violet said. “Isn’t that nice?”

“I guess.” Klaus said. “I just… I don’t know.”

“Well, we’ve got ten days to figure out if we trust him or not.” Lilac said. “Before we leave the country. So, uh… everyone get some rest. Tomorrow we’ll see what we can do.”

They hesitantly nodded, and Klaus jumped off the edge of Nick’s bed, moving to his own. Lilac picked up Sunny, saying, “Are you sure that’s a safe bed for Solitude?”

Nick shrugged, placing Solitude onto the table inbetween his and Klaus’s beds, where they’d piled up a nest of blankets and pillows. “She’ll be fine.”

“What if she falls?”

“She won’t.”

“But if she does?”

“Li, she’ll be fine.” Klaus said. “Soli loves it. Don’t you, Sol?”

Solitude grinned before ducking under a blanket and imitating a snake hiss.

“Just put some pillows on the ground, in case you need to cushion her fall.” Lilac said. “And-”

“She’s gonna be okay, Li.” Violet rolled her eyes.

Lilac bit her lip. “And you’ll be okay sleeping alone?”

“Yeah. I got tired of sharing a room with all of you anyway.” Violet shrugged. “You all have fun or whatever. See you in the morning.”

She skipped out, and Lilac shifted her hold on Sunny, still looking a bit concerned. “Okay.” she finally said. “Um… Sunny, say goodnight to your siblings.”

“Nocte!” Sunny yawned.

Lilac glanced towards her brothers and Solitude. “Well… goodnight.”

“Piss off.” Nick waved, his customary goodbye.

“Goodnight.” Klaus said.

“And you know my bedroom’s right down the hall?”

“Li.” Nick said. “Please go.”

Lilac nodded, hesitantly glancing towards their window, as if she wanted to re-check that it was locked. Then she left, carefully shutting the door behind her.

“Do you actually trust him?” Klaus asked, pulling the cylinder from under his pillow and fiddling with it as he spoke.

“Yeah.” Nick said. “I mean, sure, he could be… he’s a bit weird, yeah, but he can’t be as bad as Olaf. It’s not like he’s gonna try to kill us and marry our sister.”

“He could. We don’t know anything about him!”

“Klaus,” Nick looked over at his brother. “That’s not going to happen.”

“What if it does?”

Nick leaned over, holding out his hand in the space between the beds. After a moment, Klaus reached out his hand, too, and they held their hands together a moment.

“If something like that does happen again,” Nick said, “We’ll protect each other, okay?”

Klaus bit his lip and nodded, smiling slightly. “Yeah.”

Nick pulled back, and said, “Goodnight, Sol.”

Solitude yawned and nodded, curling up under a blanket. Nick fell asleep quickly, too, but Klaus stayed up a bit more, playing with the cylinder in his hands and occasionally staring towards the window, where he could’ve sworn he heard something outside, but… it must have been nothing.

“Violet!” Lilac called.

“What?” Violet glanced over her shoulder.

Lilac hesitated, shouldering Sunny, before saying, “You know where to find me if something happens?”

“I’ll be fine, Li.”

“But if something-”

“I’ll handle it.”

“Violet, you know where to find me?”

“Yes, I know where you are. Now piss off, I’m tired.”

Lilac sighed. “Just… listen, I know Monty seems nice, but if he… if he does anything, you tell me, okay?”

“Nothing’s gonna happen.” Violet said. “I trust him.”

“Violet!”

“Fine, yeah. Okay? Can I go to bed now, or do you want to interrogate me?”

Lilac sighed. “Go ahead.”

Violet spun on her heel and walked off, and Lilac sighed, holding Sunny closer.

“Wait, Vi!”

Violet turned. “What?”

Lilac bit her lip. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Li.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

in which Monty receives a New Assistant

“Nick,” Lilac said, peering into the room, “You need to tell Solitude that she’s allowed in other rooms besides this one.”

“Tell her yourself.” Nick said, glancing over at the corner, where Solitude was laying on her stomach, staring at the two-headed lizard, which was scampering around a small area, looking for an insect that had gotten loose. The toddler hadn’t moved from that spot for several minutes.

Their first week with Uncle Monty had gone by in a blur for most of the children; Violet had settled in first, getting permission to tape blank paper all across her wall, so that she could sketch out invention ideas, even if she got them in the middle of the night, and every day she’d rush downstairs to grab whatever breakfast she could find before going into the Reptile Room and sitting at the table with the snake traps, taking them apart and putting them back together, her hair pulled back as tight as she could tie it with her ribbon. More often than not, Lilac would join her after checking in on her other siblings, or she’d find an empty cage to tinker with, or a journal to read through, or she’d spend her time watching over Sunny, who wanted to do little more than play with her new best friend, the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

Klaus put himself in charge of reading up on Peru, and he’d usually take a stack of books up to his and Nick’s room, where he’d sit by the window until long after night had fell, using a large brass lamp to keep enough light for reading until he fell asleep, still curled up with a book on the Peruvian rainforest open in his lap. Nick, meanwhile, was reading up on every kind of herpetological study, from both Monty’s journals and other books, and that was mainly because it was all Solitude wanted to do; Nick would read aloud to her as she played with one of Monty’s safer reptiles, very carefully petting them and being very careful not to hurt them, something a bit unusual for a child of her age. Whenever she occasionally tugged too hard on a tail or poked too unexpectedly, she got incredibly upset and apologetic, and Uncle Monty would come in to show her and Nick- and whoever else happened to be in the room- how to properly handle the animal. Solitude seemed to learn this information at a speed that rivaled Nick’s memorization, and at night she’d babble to Klaus what they’d learned that day while he read, or she’d tell Sunny over lunch, and Sunny would tell her about what she and the Incredibly Deadly Viper had bitten that day. While Solitude was slightly jealous that Sunny had befriended such a large snake, she had her own pet; she’d named her tiny frog Babbitt, and the small animal tended to jump onto her shoulder or into her dress pocket whenever they had the chance.

And when Uncle Monty wasn’t showing Solitude how best to handle the Dissonant Toad or the Inky Newt, he would still be in the Reptile Room, taking care of his reptiles, showing the children who weren’t doing anything else how to feed and care for them, or telling them more about the different animals. And often, Monty would segue into stories about his travels, and all the people and animals he’d met on his journeys and adventures they’d had. Nick and Violet were fascinated by the tales, while Lilac would only occasionally listen, usually drowning out the noise with a fixation on whatever she was repairing, and Klaus would mostly just sit somewhere with a book, though sometimes he did move over to listen, and sometimes, when Violet and Nick started telling Monty their own stories, he and Lilac would join in, while Sunny would play with the Incredibly Deadly Viper and Solitude would sit by a reptile cage to observe, with Babbitt curled up on her skirt.

Currently, while Solitude busied herself with the two-headed lizard and Nick read aloud about alligators, Klaus had taken up the table with a bunch of blueprints and charts, while Violet and Sunny sat on the ground, trying to feed the tortoise.

They heard a moan, then, sounding similar to the sentence Woe is me.

“Cheup!” Sunny called to the crocodile in the corner of the room. “Don’t be sad! Uncle Monty will be back soon!”

“Sun! Cor!” Solitude called, meaning, “Sunny, the broken-hearted crocodile just sounds like it’s saying ‘woe is me,’ he’s not actually sad at the moment.”

“She knows that, Soli, she’s just being playful.” Violet said.

“I wish he’d go back outside.” Klaus said, flipping a paper. “He’s annoying.”

“Klaus, don’t be a dick.” Nick said.

“Language.” Lilac said.

“Be nice to the crocodile.” Nick said. “We were just reading about them-”

“You were just reading about alligators.” Klaus said. “They’re different.”

“Not really.”

“Sinensis.” Solitude said. “Klaus is right, actually.”

“Traitor.” Nick said. Soli stuck her tongue out at him.

The broken-hearted crocodile let out another Woe is Me, and Klaus snapped, “Woe is you? We’re the ones whose parents are dead, and now we’re being tossed from place-to-place like hot potatoes!”

“Klaus!” Lilac said quickly. “Klaus, it can’t understand you-”

“I know that!” Klaus shouted, slamming his hand onto the table. They all jumped, and upon seeing his siblings so startled, Klaus quickly said, “Sorry! I’m sorry, I…”

Slowly, Lilac stood up, walking to stand beside him. “Klaus,” she said, glancing around at all of her siblings, “Listen. We’re always going to miss our parents. But, well… Monty’s been a good guardian so far. I think we’re safe here. I think… I think he really does care about us.”

“Lilac.” Klaus said, looking over at her. “He said he knew our parents. They never mentioned him, never took us to visit. I thought we knew all of our parents’ friends, I thought we knew everything about them.”

Lilac bit her lip, sharing a look with Nick. “I’m sure they had their reasons.”

“You think it was the same reason they sent us to Briny Beach?” Violet asked, glancing up as Sunny reached out to pet the tortoise.

“Or the same reason they had a cylinder-thing with the same Eye that’s fucking everywhere?” Nick asked.

“Oh!” Klaus reached for a paper. “Speaking of which-”

“Bambini! Baudelaire Bambini!” called Monty, from down the hall, using his favorite term for them.

“In here, Uncle Monty!” Violet called, looking up excitedly.

Monty entered the room, smiling brightly. “There you all are! How was your day?”

“We fed the reptiles!” Lilac said quickly.

“I polished the tortoise!” Violet said.

“I’ve been reading through these herpetological journals.” Nick said.

“Corwin!” Solitude cheered. “And I’ve been listening!”

“Very good!” Monty said. “I have some final supplies to procure in town before we leave for Peru- wasp repellent, toothbrushes, canned peaches and a fireproof canoe- but my new assistant, Stephano, should be arriving today. I hope you will make him feel welcome, should he reach the house before I do.”

“Of course.” Lilac nodded. “I’ll lock Nick in the attic so he can’t say anything.”

“Shut up!” Nick yelled.

“Make me!”

Monty laughed, used to the sibling bickering by now, and he added, “Tonight, we will all go see a movie together! How does that sound?”

“That’d be amazing!” Violet said. “Sunny and Soli have never been to the movies before, but we’ll make sure they behave.”

“Serpe?” Sunny asked, looking over. “Can we bring the Incredibly Deadly Viper?”

“Unfortunately, no.” Monty said. “The theater does not allow pets.”

“So we’ll have to leave Klaus.” Nick said.

Klaus glared over at him. “I’m going to throw you out the window.”

“You couldn’t lift your own bookbag, Klaus, there’s no way you’d be able to do that.”

“I will find a way.”

“What movie are we seeing?” Lilac asked, interrupting the argument.

“We won’t know until we get there!” Monty said.

“I’ve never heard of a movie theater that doesn’t tell you what movie is playing.” Klaus said.

“Well,” Monty said, “Klaus Baudelaire, I have a feeling that there are many things you’re going to see that you’ve never heard of before. Life is a conundrum of esoterica. Goodbye for now!”

After he left, Violet asked, “What did he mean, ‘Life is a conundrum of esoterica?’”

“Well, ‘conundrum’ means ‘mystery.’” Klaus said, reaching for the paper again. “And ‘esoterica’ are obscure objects or documents.” He finally unrolled the paper onto the table, and said, “Come look at this.”

Nick and Violet stood up, walking over, while Solitude simply turned back to the lizard and Sunny crawled over to the tortoise. The four older children crowded around the table, and Klaus placed his cylinder on the edge of the paper so that it would stay in place.

“These are the original blueprints for Uncle Monty’s landscaping.” Klaus said. “This, right in the middle, is the hedges outside, and they make up a labyrinth. And if you look at it from the top-”

“It looks like the Eye Tattoo.” Lilac said.

Indeed, the blueprints clearly showed the hedge maze making up the familiar eye.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Violet said quickly, “And no. Uncle Monty can’t be working with Count Olaf.”

“If this Eye is just a symbol for Olaf,” Nick said, “Than our parents were working with him, too. They had the Eye on that cylinder thing.”

“There’s no way our parents would associate with him!” Lilac said.

“Whatever it means,” Klaus said, “It means that Monty’s not telling us everything. Why would he keep this a secret from us unless it was bad?”

“Monty’s too nice to be wicked.” Nick said.

“He seems that way.” Lilac sighed.

“And people aren’t always what they seem.” Klaus said. “Something strange is going on here.”

Lilac suddenly reached forwards, snatching the blueprint away, and the cylinder clattered to the table. “Well,” she said quickly, “We can’t very well figure it out by standing here bitching about it. Nick, keep reading to Soli, and Klaus, go through Monty’s journals. Violet, help me feed the reptiles so we can take more journals once we’re done.”

“Who put you in charge?” Violet asked bitterly.

“I’m the oldest, so I’m in charge.” Lilac said.

“We should vote.”

“We’d just all vote for ourselves and you know it.” Lilac said. “Go clip the iguana’s toenails.”

Violet flipped her off, but did head towards the iguana cage. Klaus went over to the bookshelf, and Nick hesitantly went back to the book he was reading. “Alright, Sol,” he said, “Wanna hear more about alligators?”

Solitude nodded excitedly, her entire face lighting up as she lifted the two-headed lizard, gently toddling over to Nick, who sat on the floor, and placing it on his knee. As he read, and Klaus picked books off the shelf, and Lilac and Violet got to work, Solitude walked over to the corner of the room, where a harmless snake was sleeping on a table. She picked it up, before walking back and draping it over Nick’s shoulders.

“Soli,” Klaus said quietly, flipping a page in the journal, “Stop piling reptiles onto Nick.”

“No.” Solitude said, before going to pick up a frog out of a terrarium on the floor and walking back to put it on Nick’s lap, followed by a very confused Babbitt.

They continued like this until they heard the ring of the doorbell.

They looked up, surprised a moment, before Lilac said nervously, “That must be Monty’s new assistant.”

“We should let him in.” Klaus said hesitantly.

“Should we all go?” Violet asked.

Lilac considered a moment, before saying, “Uh, yes. Yes, we should all go say hello- actually, you know what, Nick, stay here.”

“Hey!” Nick said.

“You and Soli put those reptiles away,” Lilac said, “And we’ll get Stephano settled in.”

Nick and Solitude sighed, but she picked up the animals she’d placed on him and helped put them back as Violet picked up Sunny, Klaus put his books away, and Lilac managed to coax the tortoise into its pen. Then, as Nick and Soli continued taking care of the reptiles, the other four children headed towards the door, feeling dread build inside, though they weren’t entirely sure why.

Lilac reached the front door first and, carefully, she grabbed the doorknob, and swung the door open.

And she immediately wished she hadn’t.

Because when the door opened, and they all looked up at the man who stood before them, it slowly dawned on them who it was.

Ahead of them stood a very tall, very skinny man. And though he had shaved off his eyebrow and now wore a thick beard, they recognized his shiny eyes, and they recognized his pale face, and they recognized his voice, even through his obviously fake accent, as he said, “Hello, hello, hello.”

Lilac froze over, and Sunny leaned into Violet, who backed up in order to stand in front of Klaus, who looked very, very angry.

“I am Stephano,” said the man they recognized, “Dr Montgomery Montgomery’s new assistant. If you could help me with my luggage-”

“We will not help you with your luggage.” Klaus spat. “You’re Count Olaf.”

The man simply looked at them, before finishing, “-it would be very helpful. The ride along that smelly road was dull and unpleasant.”

“If anyone deserved to travel along Lousy Lane, it’s you.” Violet said.

“We will not help you with your luggage,” Lilac said, moving forwards and grabbing the door again, trying to slam it shut, “And we will not let you in this house.”

Before the door could shut, moving quick as a flash, Olaf pulled a knife from his pocket and stuck it into the wood, holding the door in place. Lilac jumped back, instinctively throwing a hand in front of Violet, Klaus and Sunny.

“Well,” Olaf said, dropping his ridiculous fake accent and pushing his way into the foyer as he removed his knife from the door and pointed it towards the children, causing Lilac to push her siblings farther behind her, “I see you children haven’t changed a bit. Still annoyingly clever.”

Lilac pushed her siblings some more, and they raced backwards towards the staircase, keeping their eyes locked on the knife. None of them had a plan, but they understood quickly why they were heading upstairs; it would keep him far away from the Reptile Room, where Nick and Soli were still, probably unaware of what was happening. Olaf kept following them, his knife swinging between them, as they stepped onto the stairs.

“Lilac,” he said, “You’re stubborn as ever. Violet is still as rude as ever. Klaus, you still have your idiotic glasses from reading too many books. And little Sunny still has only nine toes instead of ten.”

“Uh-oh.” Sunny whispered, glancing up, and Violet held her a bit tighter as they went farther up the stairs.

“What are you talking about?” Klaus asked angrily. “Our sister has ten toes, like the- the vast majority of people.”

“Really?” Olaf said. “That’s odd. I could’ve sworn that she lost one of her toes in an accident, when a man was so upset at being called the wrong name that he dropped a knife onto her foot.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Lilac said, pushing her siblings to move quickly as they reached the top of the stairs, stopping slightly underneath a wall of photos.

“Let’s not discuss what I would and would not dare do.” Olaf said. He glanced at the pictures, and then tapped one with a knife. “Let’s discuss your poor, unfortunate parents. Very brave in their days. But their days are done.”

“That’s not a picture of our parents.” Klaus said, glancing at the photo. “That’s a piano.”

“Yes it is, they’re inside the piano.” Olaf said.

“How would you know that?” Lilac asked, once again pushing her siblings a bit more behind her.

“I took the picture.” Olaf replied. And as the siblings jumped, shocked, he continued, “Now all that’s left of them is their enormous fortune, and that- wait.” He stopped, scanning them. “There were more of you. Where are the other two?”

The siblings froze, and Lilac glanced behind them, at the second set of stairs. They could run down, but Olaf would follow, so they’d have to have a good head start to get to the room, they just needed a distraction…

At that moment, they heard what sounded like a reptile’s screech- only it was very, very loud. Olaf jumped, turning to look down towards the source of the noise, but Lilac didn’t bother, instead whipping around and pushing her siblings towards the staircase. Violet moved fast, holding Sunny close and almost leaping down the stairs, followed closely by Lilac, who turned around once she realized Klaus had fallen behind slightly. She froze, horrified, as she saw Olaf reach forwards and yank his arm, but thankfully Klaus managed to rip himself away. As he did, the cylinder in his pocket fell out, clattering onto the stairs, and Lilac grabbed onto it with her right hand and grabbed Klaus with her left, pulling him behind her as they ran back down.

When they reached the bottom of the stairs, they saw Violet away, with Nick and Solitude standing at the landing, waiting for their siblings. As soon as they saw each other, the Baudelaires raced into the Reptile Room, shutting the door tight behind them.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

in which the Baudelaires go to the Movies

After several seconds, they heard a knock on the door, and they all stepped back.

“Is that Olaf?” Nick asked, horrified. “Was that Count Olaf?”

“Are you all okay?” Lilac asked, as Klaus gripped tighter onto her arm.

“We’re fine.” Violet said. “What was screaming?”

“Nothing.” Nick said.

“If that was nothing,” Violet glared at him, “What was that noise?”

“Soli.” Nick said. “We saw you all on the stairs, and she imitated the screeching iguana to try and scare him.”

“How did he find us?” Klaus asked.

“That’s the wrong question.” Violet said, and they stepped back again as they heard more pounding on the door. “What do we do?”

“Okay,” Lilac said, “We can think of something. We can do something. There’s always something. We could call Mr Poe-”

“He didn’t believe us about Olaf when we lived with him.” Klaus said. “It took him too long to realize the truth, and then it was almost too late.”  

“I vote we run away.” Nick said. “Smash a window, run to a train station, get the fuck out of here.”

“And then what?” Lilac snapped.

“Then we’re out.”

“No, then he finds us again.”

“We don’t know that!”

“We could change our names.” Violet suggested.

“How would we get money?” Lilac asked.

“We could get jobs.” Klaus suggested quietly. “Or we could go to the police and bring them back. But we don’t know if Olaf would still be here when we return.”

“What if Olaf’s assistants have already surrounded the house?” Lilac asked.

“We can’t just stay here ,” Violet said, “And wait for him to burst in and slaughter us!”

“He wouldn’t do that.” Lilac said, her voice shaking. “He needs us alive for our fortune.”

“He needs you alive.” Nick said. “The rest of us are fair game.”

“Nick, shut up.” Lilac said, horror gripping her.

“Propositum,” Solitude said, meaning, “He must have some scheme, we just don’t know what it is.”

“We should never have let him in the house.” Lilac said.

“We can’t think about that now.” Violet said. “We need to do something.”

“Okay,” Nick said, “Here’s the plan. When he gets in, we’ll hide on the other side of the door, tackle him, and then just attack until he dies.”

“God, Nick, no.” Klaus said. “We’re not gonna beat him death.”

“To unconsciousness?”

“First of all, none of us are strong enough for that-”

“But together-”

“It won’t work. Also, we’ll get arrested for murder.”

“It’s self-defense.”

“Everyone shut up.” Lilac said. “I think that’s Monty’s car.”

The siblings did stop talking, listening carefully, as they did indeed hear a car drive up and park outside the house.

“We need to tell Uncle Monty.” Violet said. “He’ll believe us. At the very least, if we show him Stephano’s tattoo, he’ll ask for an explanation.”

“Monty’s the one who hired him!” Klaus said. “And he has Stephano’s eye as his hedge maze! For all we know, they’re working together!”

“Minda!” Sunny shrieked. “Don’t be ridiculous, Klaus!”

“If they were working together,” Nick said, “Why would Monty be so nice to us?”

“False sense of security?” Klaus suggested.

“Stop!” Solitude said, looking very upset.

“Stop scaring Solitude.” Nick added.

“She should be scared!” Klaus said. “Count Olaf is here and…”

They realized, then, that they no longer heard pounding on the door.

“And…” Klaus began, and then he slowly walked to the window, peering out in order to try and see the road. “And he’s talking to Monty.”

They all crowded against the window, pushing each other slightly in order to see better. Monty was indeed talking to Olaf, the two of them looking to be having a friendly conversation.

“He doesn’t know it’s him.” Violet’s heart sank.

“Or he does and he’s about to hand us over.” Klaus said.

“Stop saying that!” Nick said.

“Yeah, Klaus, shut up.” Lilac said. “Look, Monty’s coming inside.”

“So’s Count Olaf.” Klaus said.

They waited a moment, with Solitude leaning onto Nick’s shoulder, and Sunny nervously kicking her legs. Then, after a minute or so, they heard a voice outside the door of the Reptile Room.

“Children! I’m going to come in, just allow me to undo all the security measures outside the door!”

“Uncle Monty?” Nick called, moving towards the door, his siblings hastily following.

“Yes, it’s me! Just give me a moment!”

They heard him imitating several mechanical noises on the other end of the door, and Lilac smiled a little. “So he doesn’t trust Stephano with the knowledge there is no lock.” she muttered.

“That doesn’t mean much.” Klaus said hesitantly, though he also looked a lot more relaxed.

After a minute, the door creaked open, and Monty stood in the doorway. He spoke in a loud, almost overexaggerated manner, as he said, “Children, I am very sorry that you were frightened by the man at the door! But I can assure you there is nothing to be alarmed by!”

The siblings gave each other confused and concerned looks, as Monty glanced behind him and said, “It makes sense that you were alarmed, seeing as he chased you up and down the stairs with a knife, but there’s nothing to fear! He is my new assistant, Stephano, I have seen his papers and everything is in order.”

He glanced behind him again, and then waved a hand, as if gesturing for them to speak. “So, you see, there is nothing to worry about!”

Lilac was the first to catch on. “Oh, I see.” she said loudly, having trouble acting. “We understand now.”

She elbowed Nick, who happened to be closest to her, and he said, “How silly we were to be afraid!”

“Yes, Baudelaires,” Monty said. “Stephano has informed me that he has a very strict fitness regimen where he has to run up and down the stairs with a knife at least three times a day.” He almost broke there, grinning as he made a can you believe this? face. “So that makes. Perfect sense.”

Violet smiled slightly, and then said loudly, “I might join him on that exercise regimen.”

Monty almost laughed there, though he did shoot Violet a look and shake his head. “So, now that that is cleared up,” he continued, once he could safely speak, “Why don’t you help me bring things in from my truck? I even brought dinner.”

“Alright.” Lilac said. “Uh, everyone come along.” She knew that Nick hated bringing stuff into the house- every time their parents came home with groceries, he’d hide somewhere and pretend not to hear calls for him until the car was completely unloaded- but she really, really didn’t like the idea of any of them splitting up while Count Olaf was in the house.

Thankfully, her siblings seemed to have the same thought process, and they all stuck very close together as they walked, glancing around the house to try and see if Olaf was nearby. He didn’t seem to be, and after a moment, Nick asked, “Where is Stephano?”

“Hmm? Oh, he went upstairs to unpack his suitcase.” Monty said, opening the door for the children. “He offered to help me unload the car, but I said you children would be help enough.”

“Ton,” Sunny said, meaning, “There certainly are a lot of us!”

They walked outside the door and over to the car, and Monty said, “Alright, children, we should be fine to talk out here. I am sorry, children, I did not realize our enemies would catch up to us so quickly!”

“You recognized him?” Violet looked relieved.

“So, what are we going to do?” Nick asked.

“Call the authorities?” Klaus suggested.

“Oh, no,” Monty said, as he pulled a canoe off of the top of the car, “Do you think they’d believe us before something horrible could happen? Stephano does not work alone.”

He placed the canoe on the ground, and then opened the trunk of the car, passing bags of supplies to the children. “We must keep an eye on him. We will have dinner with him tonight, and take him to the movies, but tomorrow, I will tear up his ticket to the Prospero. He will not accompany us to Peru.”

They walked around the car, towards the house, and Lilac asked, “How do we know he won’t try anything today?”

“Lilac,” Monty said, “He wouldn’t risk-”

At that moment, something fell from the high window, landing on Monty and knocking him to the ground. It shattered, and they realized quite quickly that it had been the brass reading lamp from Klaus’s room. Violet screamed, jumping back and hugging Sunny to her. Nick gripped so tightly onto Solitude that she let out a slight cry, and Lilac and Klaus instantly ran to their Uncle. “Uncle Monty, are you alright?” Lilac asked instantly.

To their relief, Monty sat up, saying, “Yes, yes, it only hit my shoulder.” He glanced up at the window and said, “Whose room is that? The boys? You should be more careful-”

“Our lamp isn’t near the window.” Klaus said.

“It had to have been Stephano.” Violet said. “Uncle Monty, we really should go to the authorities.”

Monty considered a moment, as he got to his feet, and said, “No, children, trust me. I will be able to handle this. Everything will be alright.”

Dinner was an absolutely terrifying experience for all of the children. They sat awkwardly at the table as Stephano tried to talk up Monty, and none of them could tell whether it was working or whether Monty was simply a better actor than they’d have expected. At first, Count Olaf seemed to be hesitant to attend the movies with them, but as Monty kept insisting, he simply shrugged and accepted it. Lilac had the worst time of the children at dinner, as Olaf sat beside her, and whenever Monty wasn’t paying attention, she felt the cold knife pressed against her knee, rubbing her skin, just to make sure she was as terrified as possible. She held back the urge to grab onto Klaus’s hand beside her, not wanting to startle him. Thankfully, they ate quickly so as to make it to the theater. In the car, the siblings all crowded into the back as Stephano got into the shotgun seat. Monty shut the door for him, moving around the car, and as he did, Violet said, “We don’t know what your plan is, Olaf, but we will stop you.”

“If anything happens to us,” Nick added, “You’ll never get your hands on the Baudelaire fortune.”

“Dear me, dear me,” Olaf said, once again dropping his fake ‘Stephano’ accent, “If I wanted to harm you, orphan, your blood would already be pouring down this road like a waterfall. You needn’t be afraid of me, children- at least, not until we find ourselves in a location where crimes are more difficult to trace.”

“And where might that be?” Lilac asked. “We plan to stay right here.”

“Really?” Olaf glanced out the window, seeing that Monty had stopped to pick up his keys, which he had dropped onto the ground. “Why, I was under the impression we were leaving the country tomorrow.”

“You’re not coming with us to Peru!” Klaus said. “Uncle Monty tore up-”

Nick slammed his hand over Klaus’s mouth, but the damage was done. Olaf narrowed his eyes, and then said in a dark tone, “I wouldn’t rely on your Uncle, children. Even guardians with the best intentions could… fail you.”

Before they could say anything more, Monty entered the car, and Stephano started talking about some kind of snake, and Solitude huffed and leaned against Nick, murmuring about how he wasn’t even saying the right facts and he didn’t even know what he was talking about.

The drive was long, and the children got more and more worried every minute. Violet grabbed onto Lilac’s arm, and Klaus leaned his head onto Nick’s shoulder, and Sunny and Solitude reached over their siblings’ laps and held hands.

When they reached the theater, Uncle Monty went to the ticket seller, asking for a verified film discount, and then he announced they were to see Zombies in the Snow. He bought the children snacks, and as they walked into the film, he said, “Now, everyone: seventh row, right of center, that is the best spot.”

“That’s what Mother always said.” Violet said.

“Who do you think taught it to me?” Monty asked; as he did, Lilac glanced behind them, seeing that Olaf was pulling a very sour face.

The movie itself was very confusing for the children; it had subtitles in the same language it was spoken in, the characters all spoke in stilted and unrealistic dialogue, and whenever a bell rung, Nick and Klaus would hear Monty count every eighth word, write it onto his ticket, and then look at the confused, unrelated jumble of words and erase the sentence, muttering something about paranoia.

Towards the end of the film, Monty leaned over to Nick and said, “I’ll return shortly. I need to talk to the ticketseller. Keep an eye on Stephano, will you?” Nick looked a bit concerned, but nodded, after passing some popcorn to Solitude.

Monty left, and after a moment, Olaf stood up from the other end of the row. Nick caught Lilac’s eye, wildly shaking his head, and Lilac reached out, grabbing his sleeve.

“You shouldn’t leave us alone.” Lilac said. “We’re too young to be in a theater without an adult.”

“I’m sure you’ll manage.” Olaf hissed.

“No, really,” Violet added, “We’ll wander off or cause trouble, and you don’t want that.”

“You’re blocking the screen!” yelled a lady from a few rows back.

Hesitantly, Count Olaf moved back to his seat, and the children kept their eyes either on him or the screen, trying to figure out exactly what he was planning. But when the movie ended, they glanced to the side and realized Monty hadn’t returned.

“Fuck.” Nick said under his breath, and Soli quickly echoed him.

“Where’s Monty?” Klaus asked, as Violet hugged Sunny close and jumped to her feet.

“Come on,” Violet said, “He must be outside waiting for us.”

But as they rushed out of the theater doors, crowding together even as Klaus and Nick cursed at each other for pushing, they found that Monty was nowhere to be seen.

“Shit, shit, shit…” Nick muttered.

“Language.” Lilac said.

“It doesn’t fucking matter!”

“Dear me, dear me,” said Stephano, creeping up behind them, “Your Uncle is missing?”

“What did you do to him?” Violet whipped around, shooting a dark look at their former guardian.

“Why, I did nothing! I was sitting with all of you the entire time.”

“Where’s Uncle Monty?” Nick asked, starting to hold Solitude as tight as he could.

“I’m sure I don’t know.” Stephano gave a very dark smile. “Maybe he decided to meet us at home. Why don’t we drive back and see?”

“We’re not going anywhere with you!” Lilac said. “We’re going to stay here until Uncle Monty comes back!”

“Oh, children,” Olaf said, reaching into his pocket, slowly pulling out the hilt of his knife, only just so that the siblings could see, and nobody else, “Must we go through this again?”

Before he could do anything, though, Nick pressed Solitude against him with one arm, grabbed onto Klaus’s hand with the other, and yelled, “Stranger Danger!” He took off at a run, and without thinking, Lilac and Violet followed, with Violet shooting Olaf the middle finger as they did.

The children raced away, with Lilac pushing her siblings in front of her and hiking up her dress, suddenly wishing she had picked an outfit with a skirt that was easier to run in. Klaus managed to break out of Nick’s grip and he ran for the door, throwing it open. “Lilac, can you drive?” he asked.

“A little?”

“Okay, we’ll take the car-”

“Can you run him over?” Nick asked as he rushed past Klaus, who held the door open until Lilac arrived, fearfully watching Olaf running after them, catching up very quickly and looking very angry.

“Nick, that’s illegal.” Klaus said.

“Self-defense!”

But just as the children all escaped the building, starting to run across the dark parking lot, they slid to a stop as none other than Uncle Monty walked around a bend, smiling brightly. “Hello, children!” he said. “Did you enjoy the film?”

“Uncle Monty!” Lilac’s face lit up.

“Monty!” Soli cheered.  

They changed their direction, running to their guardian, but Violet and Nick both glanced behind them to see that Olaf had stopped dead in his tracks several feet from them, looking very displeased.

“Where’d you go?” Klaus asked, concerned.

“Just to chat with an old friend.” Monty said. “Stephano, I believe I ran into some of your associates on my way out.”

“Oh, did you?” Stephano asked, and the Baudelaires felt very, very cold.

“Children,” Monty said, “Why don’t you go wait in the car, while I have a word with my assistant?”

“Will you be okay?” Lilac hesitantly asked.

“Of course. I am your Guardian. Run along.” Then, he whispered, “Lilac, you may sit up front if you wish.”

Lilac beamed and nodded, and the children smiled at Uncle Monty before returning to the car.

“What do you think they’re talking about?” Nick asked, peering out the window.

“I can’t hear shit if you’re talking.” Violet said, trying to climb over him.

“You can’t hear anything anyway.” Klaus said, ducking under Nick’s arm. “The windows are closed.”

“Shh!” Sunny yelled from Lilac’s lap. “Be quiet, and maybe you could hear something!”

“They seem to just be talking.” Lilac said. “Solitude, stop eating food off the car floor, you don’t know how long it’s been there.”

“Jilke,” Soli said, meaning, “But why let it go to waste?”

“Spit it out.”

“Let her eat whatever she wants.” Nick said. “This is more important. Klaus, can you lip read?”

“Not from this distance. Neither of them are facing us anyway.”

“Poliziotto?” Sunny asked, which meant something like, “Do you think Uncle Monty called the police?”

“Hopefully.” Lilac said. “Are they still talking?”

“No.” Violet said. “No, Olaf’s walking away, and Monty’s coming towards us.”

“That’s good, right?” Nick asked.

“Is he just letting Olaf go?” Klaus asked. “Did he call the police?”

“What happened?” Violet added.

“Stop crowding the window.” Lilac said. “Sit back, okay?”

Violet, Klaus and Nick slowly moved away from the window, squeezing themselves into the backseat. Nick picked Solitude up off the floor, placing her on his lap as Uncle Monty reached the car, climbing into the front seat. He had already started to drive before Lilac finally said, “How did it go?”

“I believe it went well.” was all Monty said.

They drove in silence for a while, before Violet pressed, “So, um. Did… did you two argue?”

“Oh, yes. I confronted him, and the authorities are on their way.”

“Really?” Nick looked relieved.

“We’re just leaving him there?” Klaus asked hesitantly, sharing a concerned look with Sunny.

“Don’t worry, children, a very capable ticket-seller volunteered to watch him.” Monty smiled slightly. “Besides, if he does slip away, it will be none of our concern, will it? Tomorrow morning, we will sail off on the Prospero.”

“To Peru.” Nick said.

“Yes, to Peru! Baudelaires, I’m sure you have a lot of questions after that film, and I know I’d be just as confused as you were had my parents not taught me these things when I was your age. I believe our journey will be a formative experience for you all.”

“Snake!” Solitude cheered, and Nick and Violet laughed.

“Life is a conundrum of esoterica.” Klaus said quietly.

“Well said!”

When they arrived at Monty’s home, they changed into pajamas, and Monty made them hot chocolate while he showed them a map of Peru.

“And then, children, we’ll travel inward in search of some geckos who have an extra leg. First one to find one gets to name it.”

“I think,” Klaus said, bouncing Sunny on his lap, “We should disqualify Nick. He sucks at naming things.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Nick elbowed him.

“You named your stuffed bear ‘Beary.’”

“It’s a pun.”

“No, it’s not!”

“Boys, if you don’t stop fighting,” Lilac sighed, “I’m locking you in the house and leaving you here.”

“You can’t do that,” Nick said, “You’ll lose your ability to convince Soli to do anything.”

Solitude leaned up against Nick, quietly yawning, “Snake. Froggy. Croc.”

“I think you’ve got a new assistant already, Uncle Monty.” Klaus laughed slightly, reaching over to ruffle Soli’s hair.

“I don’t know, Solitude,” Monty said, “I’ll have to check your references.”

“I’ll be her reference.” Nick said. “She’s memorized everything I read her.”

“Snake!” Solitude said cheerily. “Froggy! Croc!”

“Ink!” Sunny giggled, gesturing to the Reptile Room.

“I’m afraid the Incredibly Deadly Viper is probably asleep right now,” Violet said, “But you can talk to him in the morning, Sun.”

“Yes,” Monty said, standing up and picking up Sunny as he did, “We should be getting you to bed. We have a scadillion things to do in the morning, and a boat to catch! Sunny, it seems you’ve finished all of your marshmallows.”

“Yie!” Sunny said. “They were delicious!”

“What my sister means-” Lilac began.

“I know what she means.” Monty smiled. “It seems we’ve finally found a soft food that you like after all.” He smiled at the children, and said, “Goodnight, children.”

“Goodnight, Uncle Monty.” they all said.

“Lilac. Lilac!”

It took Lilac a moment to recognize the urgency in Violet’s voice; she’d been sleeping so peacefully that she had momentarily forgotten she had any worries at all- something that was unusual for her. But when she heard the panicked strain in her sister’s words, she sat up, quickly rubbing her eyes and pushing hair out of her face. “Violet? What’s wrong?”

When she opened her eyes, she saw Violet standing only a few inches away from her, looking very panicked. Behind her, Nick held a half-asleep Solitude, who had her tiny frog on her shoulder, and Klaus was picking up Sunny from the chair she’d made a bed out of.

“Uncle Monty didn’t wake us up.” Violet said.

“Yeah? He doesn’t-”

“He was going to wake us up so we didn’t miss the boat!”

Lilac quickly got out of bed, grabbing a ribbon off of her bedside table and tying her hair out of her face. “He didn’t wake up any of you?”

“No! Babbitt got out and woke Soli up, but Uncle Monty-”

“Maybe he’s packing up some of the reptiles.” Lilac said, even as she felt her heart sink. “Let’s go check.”

“Lilac-” Klaus began.

“It’s okay.” Lilac said, her voice shaking. “It’ll be okay. Klaus, hold Sunny. We’ll just go check up on him. He probably just forgot.”

“Lilac-” Nick started.

Lilac moved to her door, pushing it open and waiting a moment for her siblings to follow. When they started to move, she raced ahead, and soon enough the children were all running down the stairs, starting to call for their Uncle.

They reached the Reptile Room, and were very, very scared to see the door swinging open.

“Uncle Monty?” Lilac called, and she pushed the door farther open, stepping inside and feeling incredibly cold.

On the far end of the Reptile Room, behind the desk, there was a figure sitting the chair, facing away from them. Lilac crept forwards, uncomfortably aware of how close her siblings were sticking to her, and how Klaus was starting to shake slightly, and how Sunny was starting to cry, and how Nick’s hands were going white with how much he was gripping onto Solitude, and how Violet grabbed onto Klaus’s arm and tried to hide her face so they couldn’t see her fear.

Lilac moved around the desk, took one look at Uncle Monty’s corpse, and then screamed.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

in which the Baudelaires crash a Car

Lilac stumbled backwards, almost running into the wall, her eyes wide and horrified. Nick instantly hugged Solitude to him and retreated, and Sunny joined Lilac in screaming, even though she wasn’t sure why. Solitude, for her part, let out a wail so loud that Babbitt leapt from her shoulder and rushed into a far corner of the room. Violet and Klaus just stared at their older sister in terror for a moment and then, quietly, Klaus put Sunny onto the ground, and he and Violet walked around the desk to look, too. They stood in front of Monty’s body as Sunny crawled over to Lilac, burying her face in her oldest sister’s nightgown and starting to cry.

“Uncle Monty?” Violet asked quietly, as if he would sit up and reveal this was all a prank. She and Klaus looked at his pale skin, and the two small holes that seemed to be on his neck, like snake fangs.

That’s when the children heard a voice from the doorway of the Reptile Room.

“My, my, my, my, my. What a terrible accident has happened here.”

Sunny screamed and grabbed onto Lilac’s leg, and Nick instantly whipped around to block Solitude from the doorway, backing up behind some cages. Klaus grabbed tighter onto Violet’s hand, and she looked up to glare at Count Olaf, who was standing in the doorway and watching Monty with a dark interest.

“Snakebite.” Olaf said. “Whoever discovers this will be most upset.”

“You…” Lilac reached down to pick up Sunny, holding her close and shaking with fury. “You…”

“Of course,” Olaf said, “After someone finds the body, they’ll probably wonder what happened to those repulsive orphans he had lying around the house. But they’ll be long gone. Come along, Baudelaires, the Prospero leaves at five o’clock, and I’d like to get on early so we can find somewhere to hide you before lunch.”

“How could you?” Klaus’s voice broke, his eyes glued to Uncle Monty. “How could you just…”

“Klaus, I’m surprised,” Olaf said. “Clearly your Uncle was killed by a snakebite. Look at those teeth marks. Look at his pale face. Look at those eyes-”

“Stop it!” Lilac screamed, stepping forwards. “Don’t you dare-”

“You’re right, Lilac,” Olaf’s eyes shone. “We have a ship to catch.”

“We wouldn’t go to the end of the driveway with you,” Violet spat, “Much less international waters.”

Lilac’s eyes darted to Nick as Olaf raised his eyebrow and stepped closer to them; her brother was looking towards the doorway, trying to judge if he’d be able to reach it before Olaf would notice and catch him. Lilac cautiously crept closer to Violet and Klaus, holding Sunny close, and she nodded at him.

“Well,” Olaf says, “It seems you have forgotten-”

Nick made a break for it, shouldering Solitude and running as fast as he could. But before his siblings could even react, before they could even blink, Count Olaf whipped around, grabbing Nick by the arm and yanking him back, using his other hand to whip his knife out of his pocket and pointing it right as his neck.

“No!” Lilac shrieked as Nick let out a curse and Solitude started to cry.  

“Let him go!” Violet shouted, and Klaus grabbed tighter onto her, eyes going wide as he let out a terrified shriek, convinced he was about to see his brother die.

“It seems,” Olaf continued, tightening his grip on Nick’s arm and pulling him closer, pressing the knife against his neck, “You have forgotten about this again, and I am so tired of having to explain things to you, so let me make things clearer. This is my knife, and it is very sharp and very eager to hurt you. If you don’t do what I say, one or all of you will suffer bodily harm. Is that clear enough for you?”

“If you hurt him or Solitude-” Lilac said, watching as Soli, too afraid to bite Olaf’s hand in fear he’d react by stabbing Nick, pressed herself tighter against her brother, her tiny hands gripping onto the fabric of his shirt.

“My dear Lilac,” Olaf said, “You are no position to make threats.”

“You’re a sick bastard!” Nick shouted.

“And you are in no position to be so rude.” Olaf pressed the knife closer, causing Nick to flinch and grab tighter onto his sister. “Now, everyone, get in the damn car.”

Violet and Klaus looked towards Lilac, who held Sunny tight and shut her eyes, thinking hard. Then, quietly, she said, “Okay.”

“Lilac-” Nick began.

“It’s going to be okay, Nick.” Lilac said, slowly passing Sunny over to Violet. “Everything’s going to be okay, just… let’s go.”

Violet held Sunny close, gripping tighter onto Klaus’s hand, and slowly, they started to walk away from the cold body of their Uncle.

“The first smart decision you’ve made.” Olaf said. He turned, still holding the knife to Nick’s neck, walking just behind the Baudelaires, keeping his shiny eyes on them in case they tried to run. Lilac kept pulling her ribbon in-and-out of her hair, trying to stimulate her mind, come up with some kind of plan. Violet kept one arm holding Sunny and one holding Klaus, who had tears in his eyes and kept glancing back at Nick as if he was judging whether it would be worth it to charge Olaf. Solitude was shaking and clinging to Nick, terrified that she’d be ripped away from him again- or, worse, he’d do something stupid and get himself hurt.

They walked outside the house, shivering slightly in the cold air, not having stopped to grab a coat to throw over their pajamas. When Violet paused, turning slightly in an attempt to go back inside for one, Olaf simply wiggled the knife, and she bit her lip and turned back. They went down the driveway and into the car, Lilac realizing quickly that they’d all have to sit in the back and pressing herself as far as she could against the window to make room. As soon as Violet and Klaus sat down, Olaf pushed Nick inside, and the preteen almost lost his balance, only barely keeping himself from faceplanting onto the car floor. Olaf shut the door behind them, and Klaus and Violet pulled Nick and Soli into a quick hug. Lilac tied her hair up again, staring out the window at the hedges as Olaf got into the driver’s seat, starting the car.

Nick sat down angrily, gesturing slightly at Olaf, and it took his siblings only a moment to understand what his wild hand signals meant. He was asking if they could leap forwards and take control of the car. Lilac considered, watching Olaf, before shaking her head; he could easily grab his knife and hurt one of them- or, if they crashed the car, they could all be injured. Nick glared at her and gestured again, and she shook her head more insistently, and he groaned and leaned back. Klaus grabbed onto his hand, and Lilac said again, “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

“Lilac,” Olaf turned around, even as he hit the gas pedal, starting to exit the driveway, his eyes shining bright, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

Lilac stiffened, glaring at him and slowly putting an arm onto Sunny’s shoulder.

“I only need one of you to gain access to your fortune,” Olaf said, “But if you behave, I might keep around a spare.”

“Fuck you.” Violet said.

“Keep your eyes on the road!” Klaus warned.

“I don’t think I need driving instructions from a little bookworm-” Olaf began.

“There’s a car!” Klaus screamed, and they all realized about then that Klaus was looking behind Olaf, out the windshield. Olaf did turn, just too late to see another car pull into the driveway, heading right for them. He tried to swerve, but within a few seconds, the other car crashed right into them, and the children screamed and grabbed onto each other as they spun and tumbled, ramming into one of the tall hedges.

As soon as the car stopped, Lilac ripped herself away from her siblings, grabbing each of them in turn and looking them over for injuries. Solitude clung onto Nick, starting to cry, and Sunny simply stared ahead in shock. Olaf started cursing, and when Lilac realized he was too busy trying to start the car again to notice them, she raced to the door, throwing her weight against it until it opened. She tumbled out onto the grass, not even caring that she landed in the dirt, only hitching up her skirt as her siblings jumped out after her, and once she was sure they were all out, she started to run towards the other car. “Help!”

“Help us!” Klaus called, taking Sunny from Violet as they ran.

They were only slightly surprised to see Mr Poe exit the other car, once again coughing into his handkerchief. “Baudelaires?” he said, confused.

“Thank God you ran into us!” Violet said.

“I mean, technically we ran into him.” Nick said.

“You were driving?” Poe asked, eyes wide.

“No!” Lilac said. “No, we weren’t-”

“Mr Poe, you have to help us!” Violet said. “Count-”

“Now, Violet, it’s rude to interrupt.” Poe said. “Let your sister finish. Where’s your Uncle?”

“Uncle Monty…” Klaus’s voice broke slightly.

“Uncle Monty’s dead.” Nick said, holding Solitude even tighter.

“What?”

“Yes,” the children all jumped as they realized Olaf had gotten out of the car, and was standing only a few feet away, his false accent back in his voice. “It’s such a shame. Snakebite! I’m not sure which one, though, as I know nothing about snakes, but-”

“Get away!” Lilac shouted, pushing her siblings back.

“Lilac, don’t be rude.” Poe said. “Who are you?”

“I am Stephano, Doctor Montgomery Montgomery’s assistant.” Stephano said. “I was simply taking the children to the town to get a doctor.”

“He’s lying!” Nick shouted.

“You weren’t going to get a doctor?” Poe asked.

“We would have liked to,” Lilac said, “But he’s not Stephano, he’s Count Olaf, and he murdered Uncle Monty and was taking us to Peru!”

“Who is Count Olaf?” Count Olaf asked.

“Forgive the children,” Poe said, not even glancing their way, “Count Olaf is a terrible man that they’re very frightened of. Children, this is clearly somebody different. Mr Stephano, don’t you think we should call a doctor? No need to go all the way into town.”

Stephano looked angry for a moment, before saying, “Of course. I guess I am not thinking straight. I was very close to Dr Montgomery Montgomery.”

“No, you weren’t. You showed up yesterday!” Nick shouted. “And you’re Count Olaf!”

“Do I look like Count Olaf?”

“Oh, no,” Poe said, “Count Olaf has one long eyebrow and a clean-shaven face, you have a very long beard and, if you don’t mind my saying so, no eyebrows at all.”

“He shaved his eyebrow and grew a beard!” Violet said.

“Or he’s wearing a fake one!” Lilac added.

“Video!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “Anyone could see that!”

“Eye!” Solitude said, pointing at Olaf’s ankle.

“Soli’s right,” Klaus said, “Count Olaf has a tattoo on his ankle!”

Poe sighed, and turned to Stephano, saying, “I’m very sorry to ask this, but may we see your ankle? I’d like to put their minds at ease.”

“Of course.” Olaf smiled darkly. “Which ankle?”

“Left.” Lilac said.

Stephano placed his left foot on the bumper of the car they’d just crashed, and he raised the leg of his pants, pulling it up to show a blank ankle.

“There, see?” Poe said. “Not Count Olaf.”

“He’s an actor, he could’ve-” Lilac began.

“Lilac, don’t be ridiculous.” Poe said. “This man looks nothing like Count Olaf, but even if he meant you harm, there’s no way he could get you or your fortune.”

“Of course.” Stephano said, looking like he was thinking hard. “Let’s all go back into the house and call a doctor, then. The children can pack their things for… wherever they should go next.”

“Nowhere with you.” Nick said.

“Nick, don’t be rude.”

“I’ll be as rude as I want!” Nick shouted. “That’s Count Olaf!”

“Children!” Poe said. “Go inside and get dressed, and Stephano and I will call for a doctor.”

The children all stared at each other, feeling frustrated as well as distraught. Finally, Lilac turned on her heel and walked back to the house, pulling her ribbon out of her hair, and her siblings followed close behind.

“What do we do?” Nick asked.

They’d run up to their rooms to get changed as fast as possible, and after knocking to make sure they could enter, Lilac, Violet and Sunny had gone into the others’ room. Lilac helped Soli get her dress on, sitting on the bed as Klaus helped her braid back strands of her hair. Soli had somehow gotten her hands on Babbitt again, who now sat beside her on the bed, looking about as sad as a frog could look.

“We could run.” Violet said, tying her hair up. “Climb out the window. Klaus, you can’t climb for shit, you can hold onto my back. We’ll strap Soli and Sunny to Nick and Lilac-”

“We can’t just run. Stephano’s car didn’t look too damaged, as soon as he realizes we’re gone he could catch up.” Lilac said. “Or he’d just find us anyway. Besides, we can’t just let him get away with this. We need to find out how he killed Monty and prove it to Mr Poe.”

“Omicido?” Sunny asked, which meant something like, “Do you think he’d kill Mr Poe?”

“I… I don’t know.” Lilac said. “He could have while we were outside, but he didn’t so… maybe he’s hoping that nobody more competent will take his place in charge of our fortune.”

“How’d he get rid of his tattoo?” Klaus asked quietly.

“Makeup, it has to be.” Lilac said. “He’s an actor, he’d know where to get some.”

“How are we supposed to prove that if no one will listen to us?” Nick asked.

“We’ll have to-” Lilac began, but they all jumped as they heard the doorbell ring. After a moment, Lilac stood up, picking up Solitude- who picked up Babbitt- and holding Klaus’s hand as Violet opened the door, peering down the hall. Nick lifted Sunny and, quietly, all six children made their way downstairs, where Mr Poe and Stephano were talking to a tall person, who was already walking into the house. Lilac reached the bottom of the stairs first, leaning against the railing as the person said, “I’m Nurse Lucafont, I received a call that there’s been a terrible accident involving a snake.”

“Yes, indeed,” Poe said, “You got here very quickly.”

“I believe speed is of the essence.” Lucafont said. “We must perform an autopsy, where is the body?”

“Oh, Stephano can show you.” Poe said.

“I was actually going to make some coffee.” Stephano said. “Who wants some?”

“I’ll have a cup.” Lucafont said.

Poe frowned. “Shouldn’t you take a look at Dr Montgomery first?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Poor Dr Montgomery Montgomery is in the Reptile Room.” Stephano said, gesturing. “You may have some coffee when you’re done.”

“Reptile Room?” Lucafont narrowed his eyes. “Aren’t they contagious?”

Solitude looked like she was personally offended, and she started babbling under her breath. Quickly, Klaus said, “Are you sure you’re a real doctor?”

“Of course,” Lucafont said, “I’m Nurse Lucafont. Doctors do not lie to people.”

“Yes, Klaus, you should always trust your doctor.” Poe said. “While this Nurse does their autopsy, why don’t we all get coffee in the kitchen? Violet, you like coffee, don’t you?”

“I hate coffee.” Violet said crossly. “I prefer tea.”

“I drink coffee.” Lilac said. “But I’m fine without-”

“No!” Nick and Violet both yelled; they knew what happened when Lilac didn’t have her morning coffee, and they didn’t want to deal with that on top of everything else.

“I don’t want,” Lilac said pointedly, glaring at her siblings, “to inconvenience Stephano.”

“It’s no inconvenience.” Stephano said. “I’ll make coffee for everyone.”

“How about,” Violet said, “I can make Lilac’s coffee the way she likes it, and then you can make the rest of the coffee however you like? She is… very specific.”

“That sounds wonderful.” Poe said, clearly just wanting to get away from the Reptile Room before any autopsy could start. “Why don’t we go do that now?”

Stephano didn’t look happy, but he did nod, and Violet raced into the kitchen in order to get to the coffee pot first.

She made Lilac her cup of coffee, then quietly sat at the table with her siblings as Stephano made another pot, and Poe sat beside them, unsure of what to say. Eventually, Stephano said, “When Nurse Lucafont is done with their medical examination, they’ll drive you into town to get a mechanic for you car, and I’ll stay here with the children.”

“No!” Klaus said.

“We’re not saying alone with him for an instant.” Nick said.

“Nick,” Poe said, “I realize you are upset, but you must stop being so rude to Stephano. Please apologize to him at once.”

“I’ll apologize to you in hell!” Nick said.

“Nicholas!”

“It’s quite alright, Mr Poe.” Stephano said, pouring him a cup of coffee. “The children are clearly upset, so they should not be left alone for long. Which is why I should stay with them.”

“Nick’s right,” Violet said, glaring, “We’re not staying with you!”

“Well, if we’re all going into town,” Poe said, “There won’t be room for all of you, as well as me, in Stephano’s car- there won’t be enough seatbelts, and we wouldn’t want you to be unsafe.”

“There would be enough if you rode with Nurse Lucafont.” Olaf said.

“Perhaps we could ride with Nurse Lucafont.” Lilac said.

“I’d love to see the inside of a doctor’s car.” Violet added.

“Oh, me too.” Nick said quickly. “Don’t you, Klaus?”

It took Klaus a second to pick up on their hints, and he said, “Oh, yes, and Sunny would, too, wouldn’t you, Sunny?”

Sunny shrugged and bit into the table.

“And so would Soli.” Nick added.

“Squamate,” Solitude said, cuddling Babbitt to her face, which meant, “I would rather see more reptiles.”

“I’m sure we all could fit in Nurse Lucafont’s car.” Klaus said.

“Actually,” they jumped as Nurse Lucafont walked in, grabbing a cup of coffee from the counter, “I’m afraid my car will only fit two more people, since I just put the body in.”

“You moved his body?” Lilac asked, feeling very upset about this, though she couldn’t really explain why.

“Yes.” Lucafont said. “You see, I finished my first examination, and I’ve determined the cause of death.”

“Murder.” Nick said.

“Snakebite.” Lucafont said. “Definitely snakebite.”

“Dear me,” Poe said, “Does that mean there’s a deadly snake running around this house?”

“Well, it would technically not be running, as snakes don’t have legs,” Lucafont said, “But at least we know which snake it is; it’s the only one that seems to have escaped.”

“Escaped?” Poe said. “Egad, which snake?”

The siblings all froze as Lucafont said, “The Incredibly Deadly Viper.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

in which Solitude leads a Jailbreak

“No!” Sunny shouted.

“Sunny’s right, the Incredibly Deadly Viper isn’t poisonous!” Violet said.

“It’s one of the friendliest snake species in the world.” Lilac added.

“Now, children,” Poe said, “It’s called the Incredibly Deadly Viper.”

“It’s a misnomer.” Klaus said.

“Gesundheit.” Poe said. “Children, why don’t you go get your suitcases, and we’ll discuss how to get you into town.”

“We’re not-” Nick began.

“Actually,” Violet said over him, elbowing him in the ribs, “That sounds good. Everyone, come with me.”

Carefully, the siblings stood up, and the boys picked up the infants, and they walked outside the kitchen and up the stairs.

“Alright, Vi, what’s up?” Nick asked, as Violet once again tied back her hair.

“The Incredibly Deadly Viper clearly couldn’t have killed Monty.” Violet said. “Olaf made a horrible mistake in picking him to blame.”

“Technically, Lucafont blamed him.” Nick said.

“Okay, that was clearly one of his troupe members.” Klaus said. “The- I’m not quite sure what their gender is.”

“Was it?” Nick asked. “I don’t remember what anyone looks like, honestly.”

“What about us?” Klaus said.

“Naw,” Nick shrugged, as they reached the top of the stairs, “If you guys left me alone for a few hours I’d forget who you are.”

“Okay,” Violet said, “We need to find the Incredibly Deadly Viper and prove it’s not poisonous. Sunny, you’re its best friend, can you do that?”

“No, no,” Lilac said, “We’re not sending Sunny anywhere alone.”

“Helpy!” Solitude said, as she shoved Babbitt into her pocket. “I can assist her!”

“No, no,” Lilac said, “We need a better plan; Stephano’s shown he’s fine with murdering people, he might kill the snake before we can prove anything.”

Sunny gasped, tears springing to her eyes at the thought of losing her Uncle and best friend so close to each other.

“You’re scaring Sunny!” Klaus said.

“She should be scared!” Nick said. “If Olaf gets us out of the country-”

“We need to find a murder weapon.” Violet said. “I bet it’ll be in Stephano’s suitcase. Lilac, think we can break into the car and suitcase?”

“Absolutely.” Lilac said. “Used to break into Mom’s car whenever you guys left your stuffed animals or toys in there.”

“Wait, really?” Klaus stared at her.

“Why didn’t you just ask Mom to open the car?” Nick asked.

“Not as fun.” Lilac shrugged.

“Klaus, Nick,” Violet said, “I need you to read up on Uncle Monty’s notes. Find evidence that the Incredibly Deadly Viper isn’t deadly. Soli, stick with them, you probably remember where Monty kept his journals.”

“Ye!” Solitude nodded.

“We’ll take Sunny.” Lilac said. “She can help us and not bother you.”

Klaus nodded, passing the baby over to Lilac. “We’ll go as fast as we can.”

“If they try to take you away,” Lilac said, “Cause a distraction til we get back.”

“What kind of distraction?” Nick asked.

“You’ve all read a million books,” Violet said, “Surely one of them had something about causing a distraction.”

“I read about the Trojan Horse.” Klaus said.

“Then build a Trojan Horse.” Violet said. “Go nuts, stay safe, don’t die.”

“Same to you.” Nick said, and the groups split off.

“Alright,” Klaus said, as they ran towards the Reptile Room, “We need to find Uncle Monty’s notes on the Incredibly Deadly Viper.”

“It was in one of his journals,” Nick said, “But I can’t remember which one.”

“Iee!” Solitude said, which meant, “I do!”

“Okay,” Klaus nodded, as they reached the bottom of the stairs, “We just…”

The boys stalled, turning to look at the wide open door of the Reptile Room. Soli leaned against Nick’s shoulder, and, very quietly, he said, “We… should go in.”

“Yeah.”

“The body’s not in there.”

“Yeah.”

“And nothing can actually hurt us.”

“Except Olaf. And he’s not there.”

“Yeah.”

Still, they stood in place, glancing at each other. Finally, Klaus said, “Lilac and Violet need us to do this.”

“Yeah.”

Klaus reached out to grab Nick’s free hand, and Nick squeezed his palm slightly as they walked into the Reptile Room.

Once they got in, Nick said, “Shit, Klaus, the reptiles need fed.”

“Not a big worry right now.”

“They need food, Klaus! It’s not their fault that- that all this is happening.”

“We’ll feed them after we find Monty’s notes.”

Nick sighed. “I mean…” He glanced at Soli, who also looked distressed. “Yeah. Yeah, we’ll find Monty’s notes, and then everything will be okay.”

Klaus ran to the shelves, scanning. “Where are his journals?”

Solitude pointed towards the right, and Nick walked over to the far shelves, kneeling down to find the bound journals, kept closer to the floor so they were easier to grab. “They all look the same.” he said.

Solitude crawled out of his arms, looking over the journals carefully. As Babbitt hopped out of her pocket and across the floor, she said, “Recente,” which, in this case, meant, “It was in the newest one, so it should be on one of the ends.”

“I’ll take one end, Klaus’ll take the other.” Nick said. “Klaus, come here. Take one of these two- Klaus?”

Nick and Solitude looked towards Klaus, who had stopped behind Monty’s desk. He was looking up at a picture on the wall, one of Monty in the jungle that they’d never looked at closely.

“Klaus, hey.” Nick picked up the journals and walked over to his brother. “Take one.”  

“Look at the picture.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s Uncle Monty-”

“Look what he’s holding.”

Nick looked up at the picture. “Some kind of telescope? I don’t-”

Klaus reached into his pocket, pulling out the mysterious cylinder, and he held it up. “Look. Doesn’t this look like the bottom half?”

Nick glanced between the cylinder and the picture, slowly realizing that it did. “Holy fuck.”

“And if the top half was the half that crumbled at the house-”

“Holy fuck.”

“It’s a spyglass, Nick!”

“Half a spyglass.”

“What the hell does that mean? Why did Mother and Father have a spyglass with the Eye on it?”

“It looks like Monty’s does, too.” Nick said, looking at the picture again. “It makes up the hedges, too.”

“It’s everywhere.”

“Actually,” Nick narrowed his eyes, “That’s a weird-ass looking eye, isn’t it? Like some kind of symbol.”

“What do you think it means?”

“I-” Nick stopped suddenly, listening carefully. As Klaus paused, he realized that he could hear the same thing; distantly, Mr Poe was coughing, and Stephano was speaking, and those noises were getting louder.

“Shit, they’re coming in here.” Nick said. He paused, and then threw the journals into Klaus’s hands before pushing him to the ground.

“Hey! What the-”

“Stay behind the desk.” Nick said. He then vaulted himself over said desk and ran over to the cage of the two-headed cobra. “Soli, stay- Soli?” He looked towards the shelves, to see that she had vanished. “Goddamnit.”

“Language, Nicholas.” Poe said, and Nick jumped, turning to stare at the adults who’d just entered. Nurse Lucafont and Stephano were both giving him suspicious glares, while Poe simply looked a bit bemused. “Where are your siblings?”

“Upstairs, packing stuff up.” Nick said. “I came in here to feed the reptiles. We forgot this morning.”

“I should’ve thought you’d never want to see a reptile again.” Poe said.

“Well, we don’t want to neglect our chores.” Nick then turned to glare at Olaf. “Wouldn’t you agree, Stephano, that children ought to do all of the chores assigned to them?”

Stephano returned his glare. “Well…”

“Well, Nick, that was a very nice thought,” Poe said, “But we really should be going. Now, I know you all wanted to see the doctor’s car, but really, we don’t believe there’s any way for us to get into town unless the six of you travel with Stephano-”

Nick glanced out the windows of the Reptile Room, towards the cars parked outside, and he froze a second when he saw Lilac and Violet out there, standing by Stephano’s car. We need more time…

He turned, and saw, to his horror, that Stephano was also looking out the window.

Fuck, fuck, fuck…

“Can’t we make sure the Reptiles are alright?” Nick shouted. “Or take some with us into town? I think I’d like to take the Mamba du Mal.”

“I’m not sure that would be a good idea.” Stephano said.

“And why not?” Nick asked, trying not to glance at the desk, to make sure Klaus was still behind it, reading as fast as he could. “It’s a perfectly harmless snake. In fact-” he heard a click, and he turned, smiling widely, “Solitude’s fetching it right now!”

The adults turned and stared in shock as Solitude, having managed to hoist herself on top of a sidetable, flipped open the lock on a cage, and a large, orange snake slithered out, off the table and onto the floor. Solitude let out a loud laugh, and Nick laughed, too, as Stephano and Nurse Lucafont leapt back. Poe jumped, too, and he said, “Solitude! You shouldn’t have let it out, we’ll have to put it back!”

“Free!” Solitude cheered, and as they watched, she ran to another cage, flipping open the lock so she could grab and throw a large, three-eyed toad. “Free!”

“Put that back this instant!” Stephano yelled.

“Be free!” Soli shouted.

“Look,” Nick said, smiling as the snake slithered closer, “The Mamba wants to say hello.”

“We need to get away from that creature!” Stephano shouted. “It’s one of the most deadly snakes in the animal kingdom!”

“Can’t be more deadly than that.” Nick said, pointing to a cage that Solitude had jumped towards.

“Solitude! Leave that closed!” Poe shouted, but the toddler didn’t listen.

“Snake!” Solitude shouted as she opened the cage. “Free! Free Snake!”

“Free the snakes!” Nick cheered.

Stephano shouted, “She’s unleashing poisonous animals!”

“You mean that frog?” Nick asked. “No, it’s harmless.”

“The Mamba du Mal has the deadliest and most fast-acting venom in the world, you imbecile!” Stephano shouted. “We have to leave before it attempts to bite us!”

“Uh, boss?” Nurse Lucafont began.

“Really? How would you know that?” Nick said.

“I’ve read Doctor Montgomery’s books, I know what snakes are here, and the Mamba du Mal is poisonous!”

“Well, it is,” Nick said, “But I thought you knew nothing about snakes.”

“Yes,” Poe said, suddenly realizing, “You said you didn’t know anything.”

Stephano paused a moment, as Nick smirked and Soli continued to laugh. “Well- well, I was being modest.”

“You weren’t being modest,” Nick said, “You were lying. And my siblings and I…” he paused, glancing towards the window. Lilac and Violet were still at Stephano’s car, but something had just hit him.

Where’d they put Sunny?

It was at that moment that they heard a screech from the foyer.

“Alright,” Lilac said, as the boys and Soli headed for the stairs, “We need a lockpick. Now, the easiest lockpicks to make are out of bobby pins, paperclips-”

“Or we could just have Sunny bite us a lockpick.” Violet said.

“I don’t think she can do that.”

“Come on, Li, have faith in her.”

Lilac sighed. “I have some pins in my room.”

“Alright, fine.”

They ran to Lilac’s room, where she tied back her hair and dug through her desk of items, pulling out two bobby pins. “We’ll only need these. Sunny, pull this bobby pin into a long piece, and get the rubber knobs off.”

“Roger.” Sunny said. “I got it.”

“Violet,” Lilac said, “Bend one end of this back in on itself, make a loop, and then bend it into a right angle.”

Violet stared at her. “What?”

Lilac sighed, and then did it herself, grabbing some pliers off of her desk in order to make the bending easier. Once she and Sunny were done, Lilac said, “Now we just have to get out of the house without being seen.”

“We could climb out the window.” Violet suggested.

“Does your shoulder still hurt?”

“Not that much-”  

“Not risking it. We’ll just go out the front and hope they don’t catch up.” Lilac said, hiking up her skirt and starting to tie it back; she remembered, briefly, how her Mother had taught her how best to tie back long dresses and skirts if she planned to run in them. “Hold Sunny, let’s move out.”

The girls ran, then, through the hall and down the stairs. Lilac quickly opened the front door, hoping that nobody heard the creak as she did, and they ran to the cars.

“We don’t have much time.” Lilac said, lifting the trunk of Stephano’s car and grabbing the suitcase, pulling out her bobby pins and getting to work. “Violet, give me some help.”

“What do you need?”

Lilac stuck the angled pin into the bottom, turning it slightly, before saying, “Hold this still. Not a lot of pressure, but keep it here.”

Violet nodded, placing Sunny onto the grass and grabbing the pin. Lilac grabbed the second one, sliding it into the top of the lock and jiggling it a little. After a minute, she pushed a little, waiting for a click.

“Is that it?” Violet asked.

“Nope.”

“Ugh, this is taking forever!”

“Would you rather break open the lock with a flamethrower?”

“Yes! Was that an option?”

“Violet!”

Sunny groaned, flopping onto her back in the grass. As her sisters argued and picked the lock, not noticing what she was doing, she sat up again, intrigued by a noise from the bushes. Then, still unnoticed, she started to crawl off.

“Got it!” Lilac finally said, flipping open the suitcase. She threw aside some shirts, and then held up an empty syringe. Violet pulled out a glass vial and some small, folded papers, and Lilac also held up a laminated card and a makeup kit. The sisters put the items all in a row on the floor of the trunk, along with the clothes and an empty wine bottle.

“Alright,” Violet said, tying back her own hair. “How do we fit these together?”

Lilac bit her lip. “Wait. Haven’t you seen this vial before?”

Violet’s eyes lit up. “Yes! And if that went into the syringe-”

“This card is Uncle Monty’s.”

“The makeup- you were right!”

“We’ve got it.” Lilac said. “Hurry, gather all this up, so we can-”

That’s about when they, themselves, heard the scream from the foyer.

“Goodness, golly, good God, Mary and Joseph, Zeus and Hera, Nathaniel Hawthorne!”

Poe had started panicking after running into the foyer, as Stephano, Nurse Lucafont, Nick and Soli raced up behind him. After a moment, Nick placed Solitude on the ground, and the two of them started to laugh.

Sunny was sitting in the middle of the foyer, and wrapped around her was the large, black snake that had been missing all day.

“Ink!” Soli shouted.

“It’s the Incredibly Deadly Viper!” Nick translated.

“Don’t touch her!” Poe shouted. “Grab her! Move closer! Run away! Don’t move! Kill the snake! Leave it alone! Give it some food! Lure it away! Don’t let it bite her!”

Sunny and the Incredibly Deadly Viper watched Poe with some amusement, and then, slowly, the Viper leaned forwards and gently bit Sunny on the nose.

“It’s bitten her!” Poe shouted. “It bit her! It bited her! Calm down! Get moving! Call an ambulance! Call the police! Call a scientist! Call my wife! This is terrible, this is awful, this is gastle, this is phantasmagorical-”

“This,” Nick said, “Is fine.”

“The Incredibly Deadly Viper just bit her!” Poe said.

“The Incredibly Deadly Viper,” came Klaus’s proud voice, and Nick moved aside so his brother could push past him, reading directly from Monty’s journal, “Wouldn’t hurt a fly. I know this because I tried to feed it flies this morning. It is friendly and kind, playful and smart, and a wonderful addition to the family.” He held up the journal and said, “Those were Dr Montgomery Montgomery’s notes from April 24th. The Incredibly Deadly Viper could not have killed Uncle Monty.”

“But he was killed from a snakebite!” Poe said.

“Yes,” Nick turned to Stephano, smirking, “Would you like to tell us more about venomous snakes, Stephano?”

Olaf glared, but before he could even respond, Lilac walked in the front door, carrying a heavy suitcase in her arms. “Well, we could tell you a bit about venom.”

“You are so fucked!” Violet shouted excitedly, running in after her.

“Language.” both Lilac and Poe said.

“What is this?” Stephano asked, narrowing his eyes.

“Surely you’d recognize your own suitcase.” Lilac said, walking past him and into the Reptile Room.

As Klaus picked up Sunny, everyone hurried to follow her as she slammed the suitcase onto Monty’s desk, and as she did, she said, “Nick, why is the Androgynous Cobra outside of its cage?”

“Distraction. Soli, put the cobra back.” Nick said.

Solitude groaned, but ran after the non-venomous snake that happened to bear a slight resemblance to the Mamba du Mal, so long as you weren’t looking too closely.

Lilac flipped open Stephano’s suitcase, and Violet raced up beside her, and the two girls laid out items onto the table.

“That suitcase,” Stephano protested, “Is private property, which you are not allowed to touch. Besides, wasn’t it locked?”

“It was.” Violet said.

“We picked the lock.” Lilac said proudly.

“Nice girls shouldn’t know how to do that sort of thing.” Poe said.

“My sisters are nice girls,” Klaus said, “And they know how to do all sorts of things.”

“We’ll discuss that later.” Poe said. “In the meantime, continue.”

“When Uncle Monty died,” Lilac said, “We were immediately suspicious.”

“No, we weren’t.” Nick said. “If we were suspicious, it’d mean we weren’t sure, but we were sure that Stephano killed him.”

“Dr Montgomery died from a snakebite.” Lucafont insisted. “Even if it didn’t come from the Incredibly Deadly Viper.”

“Uncle Monty,” Violet said, “Was killed by snake venom, but not by a snake.”

“This vial,” Lilac held up the vial from the suitcase, “Is labeled ‘Venom du Mal,’ and it’s from Uncle Monty’s cabinet of venom samples. If you look, you’ll see it is missing from its place- isn’t that right, Klaus?”

Klaus, who was closest to the cabinet, turned and looked, before nodding. “Gone.”

“Stephano took this syringe,” Violet said, “And injected the venom into Uncle Monty. Then he poked an extra hole to imitate a snakebite. Friends and enemies, this is our murder weapon.”

“But I loved Dr Montgomery Montgomery,” Stephano said, “I would have had nothing to gain from his death.”

“Yes, you would!” Violet said. “Because you’re Count Olaf, and once Monty was dead, you could steal his ticket to Peru-” she held up folded papers- “Using his ID to pretend you were him-” she held up a laminated card- “And hiding us in Peru until Lilac turned eighteen and gained access to our fortune.”

“He is Count Olaf.” Lilac insisted, holding up a makeup case, “And he used this makeup to cover up his tattoo!”

“That is absurd!” Stephano said.

Finally, though, Mr Poe said, “Well, we’ll see about that. Who has a cloth?”

“You always have a handkerchief with you.” Nick reminded him.

“Oh, that’s right.” Poe turned to Stephano. “Your left ankle, please.”

“You’ve been coughing into that all day!” Stephano protested. “It has germs!”

“If you are who the children think you are,” Poe said, “Germs are the least of your problems.”

Very slowly, and grumpily, Stephano pulled up his left pant leg. Poe knelt down and rubbed at it for a few moments, and then, the faint outline of an eye began to appear.

“See?” Violet smirked. “You’re fucked.”

“Violet, please.” Lilac said, though she also smiled.

Count Olaf, then, gave a sinister smile. “Bravo, children.” he said, dropping his ridiculous fake voice, “Yes, I killed Monty. And his idiot assistant Gustav, I drowned him in a pond. But what are you going to do about it?”

“Why, you’ll go to jail!” Poe said. “Nurse Lucafont, please keep an eye on Olaf while I alert the authorities!”

Nurse Lucafont did not move, and slowly, the children realized a flaw in their plan.

“That is not a real Nurse.” Klaus said. “That is one of Olaf’s henchpeople!”

“And they will not be helping you do anything.” Olaf said, and his hand hovered over his pocket, where the children suspected his knife still remained, “In fact, I believe I’ll be taking the children now.”

The children looked to each other, each realizing that they had forgotten the minor detail of needing to detain Olaf after proving it was him.

“We,” Nick said, “Are not good at thinking ahead.”

But as they looked at each other, Violet realized something. “Wait.” she said. “Nick, where’s Soli?”

Nick paused, glancing around the floor, having expected her to be next to him. He felt a flash of panic, one that died as soon as he heard, “Free!”

They turned, to see Solitude, once again, unlock a cage, and two snakes burst out onto the ground. And as they kept looking around the room, they saw that, while they were talking, she had gone around opening all of the cages she could reach.

“Free!” Solitude shrieked, running across the floor as reptiles swarmed across the floor, hissing and snarling. “Be free, snakes!”

“Oh my…” Lilac said, as Violet slowly hoisted herself onto Monty’s desk.

Solitude raced to stand beside Nick, and the reptiles started to move around the room. Olaf stepped back, looking very concerned as they all turned towards him. The broken-hearted crocodile crawled from its corner, and the Virginian Wolfsnake hissed, and the Inky Newt left black footprints across the floor as it crept across.

And then, from the table, the screeching iguana leapt onto Olaf. Solitude let out a gleeful laugh as Olaf started running, Nurse Lucafont following closely.

“Snake! Froggy! Croc!” Solitude cheered. “Kill!”

“I feel like I should be scared of how excited Solitude is about this.” Lilac said. “But, honestly, I’m just glad Olaf’s not-”

“He’s getting away!” Nick shouted, picking up Soli and running after the villain.

“Crud, you’re right.” Lilac muttered.

The children ran to the front of the house, only to see Nurse Lucafont’s car pulling out of the driveway.

“No!” Klaus shouted.

“No!” Sunny also shouted.

“Son of a bitch!” Nick yelled.

“Language!” Poe said, coming up behind them.

“We have to go after them!” Lilac said, running out, as Violet slid to a stop behind her.

“This is a job for the police.” Poe said. “I will go call them, and they’ll set up a roadblock.”

He ran back inside the house, and as soon as he was gone, Violet said, “Olaf wasn’t in that car. He just ran into the labyrinth, I saw him.”

“Well, then,” Nick said, adjusting his hold on Solitude, “He’s not getting away.”

“And what will you do when you catch him?” Lilac asked. “He has a knife!”

“Like I said,” Nick said, starting to run, “We are not good at thinking ahead!”

“Nick, you idiot!” Lilac shouted, racing after him, and soon all the children were running into the hedges.

Lilac followed Nick and Solitude down a left path, and after a split second hesitation, Violet, Klaus and Sunny ran down the right. The groups went as fast as they dared, struggling to think about what they would do if they actually found Olaf. Lilac and Violet considered what potential inventions they could make out of the few items they had around them. Nick and Klaus scoured their memories for any books they’d read on self-defense- not many, because neither of them were really fighters. Solitude wondered if she could somehow summon some of the reptiles she’d set free, or if any of them were following them, and Sunny just assumed that their plan was to, as Nick had suggested, simply all jump on Olaf and hit him until he gave up.

They all met up at the center of the maze, and as both groups turned around the bend, they were just in time to see a trapdoor swing shut.

“Fuck!” Nick shouted, running forwards, dropping Solitude onto the ground and grabbing the handle, struggling to lift it. His siblings ran beside him, observing that the top of the door had been covered in dirt and leaves so as to disguise it.

“Let me try.” Lilac said, but as she tried the handle, she found that it was, indeed, stuck. “There must be a lock inside.”

“Can you pick this lock?” Violet asked.

“I’m sorry, do you see a lock I can pick?”

Violet flipped her off, and Klaus said, “So that’s it? He got away?”

“Son of a bitch!” Nick shouted.

“Nick, language. Sunny and Solitude are here.” Lilac said.

“It doesn’t matter, Li! He got away with it!” Nick said. “He’s gotten away from the police again, he killed Uncle Monty, and we never even…” he shut his eyes. “We never even got to say goodbye.”

“Nick…” Lilac began.

“Wait.” Klaus knelt by the trapdoor. “Wait, do you see that?”

“A way to get it open?” Lilac asked.

“A weapon?” Violet asked.

“Snake?” Solitude asked.

Klaus shook his head, reaching down towards the dirt caked onto the top of the trapdoor. He used his sleeve to push away some of it, and as he did, they saw the faint outline of the Eye, etched into the lid.

“That thing is everywhere.” Lilac noted.

“Yeah.” Klaus said. “It’s on this door, the hedgemaze itself, Count Olaf’s ankle… and the spyglass.” Slowly, he pulled the cylinder from his pocket, showing his siblings.

“It’s half a spyglass.” Nick explained. “Monty had one, in one of the pictures in the Reptile Room.”

“Why would Mother and Father have a spyglass?” Violet asked.

“How should we know?” Klaus asked.

“Well, we’re just going to have to find out.” Lilac said. “I don’t know what this is all about, but that Eye is connected to something, so I have a feeling it’ll keep following us. We can’t just ignore it. Not anymore.”

They all nodded slowly, and then Nick said, “We… we better get back to the house.”

“Anyone remember the way out of the maze?” Violet asked.

They were all silent.

“Okay,” Nick said, “I’m going to throw Soli into the air, she’ll get a bird’s-eye view-”

“You are absolutely not doing that.” Lilac said.

“Spoilsport.”

By the time the children found their way out, there were two vans parked outside of Monty’s house, and they froze in shock as they saw a cage being loaded into one. Lilac, who’d taken Sunny from Klaus after his arms started getting tired, ran up to Poe, asking, “What’s going on?”

“Ah! Lilac, there you are.” Poe said. “You really shouldn’t have wandered off.”

“Are those Uncle Monty’s reptiles?” Klaus asked, and Soli let out a startled cry as she recognized a lizard being carried by a man in a uniform.

“Yes,” Poe said, “Since Dr Montgomery is dead, they’re orphans now, so I called some of the other members of the Herpetological Society to take them to some new owner who hopefully won’t die on them. Unfortunately, it’s a bit hard to collect them all up, as a lot of them got out of their enclosures.”

“No!” Solitude shouted.

“What my sister means,” Violet said, “Is that’s Uncle Monty’s collection, you can’t just send the animals away!”

“Well, I don’t see what use they’d be to Dr Montgomery now.” Poe said. “Now, children, I believe I’ll be able to get you to a new guardian soon, your Aunt Josephine should be next on the list.”

“We don’t want to go to another relative we’ve never met!” Nick said. “And we don’t want Dr Montgomery’s collection-”

“I’m sorry,” Lilac interrupted, her eyes distant, “Did you say Aunt Josephine?”

Her siblings glanced at her in confusion, as Poe said, “Yes, she’s your next guardian, so long as she’s alright with me dropping you off soon. I would hate to miss more work.”

“Lilac?” Violet asked, watching as Solitude tried to squirm out of Nick’s arms to reach a cage that was being carried by. “Do we know an Aunt Josephine?”

“I…” Lilac shut her eyes. “I think I vaguely remember the name.”

“Josephine Anwhistle.” Poe said.

Lilac considered. “Yeah. Auntie Josephine. Fierce Auntie Josephine.”

“We have an Aunt Josephine?” Klaus asked.

“Yeah.” Lilac said. “I… it must’ve been before you boys were born, but I do remember someone saying ‘Fierce Auntie Josephine’... I must’ve met her when I was young.”

“Well,” Poe said, “Now that’s settled, we might as well leave.”

“No! Snakes!” Solitude shrieked, still trying to leave Nick. “Snakes!”

“Ink?” Sunny asked, peering around the cages, trying to spot her best friend.

“Can’t we say goodbye?” Nick asked.

“Children, I imagine you’d never want to see a snake again!”

“But-”

“Please grab your stuff.” Poe said. “I called a taxi, and a mechanic will come to fix my car while I drop you off at home.”

Hesitantly, Lilac nodded. “Alright, guys. Let’s get our stuff.”

“Snake?” Solitude asked pitifully. “Froggy? Croc?”

“We’ll pack up some of Uncle Monty’s books. How’s that, Soli?” Nick asked. “I think I have room in my suitcase.”

“Snake!” Solitude said sadly.

“It’s okay, Soli,” Lilac said, “They’re all going to nice places.”

Still, Solitude quietly cried as they fetched their suitcases, and as they walked into the Reptile Room, watching men in uniforms carry out cages and pick up snakes and lizards from the ground.

Nick placed Soli onto the floor as he started shoving books into his suitcase, trying his best to fill it up, and she wandered around the room, crouching by the corner a moment as the screeching iguana was carried away over her head. When he finally picked her up, she cried a bit quieter, putting her head on his shoulder and keeping her hands in her pockets.

The six children crowded into a taxi that pulled up, with Violet and Lilac squeezing themselves by the windows, and Solitude leaning up against Nick, humming a little to herself. Klaus played with his spyglass for a while as Poe prattled on about something, and Sunny crawled from her brother’s lap to Violet’s, staring out the window.

As they pulled out of the driveway, her face lit up, and she pointed out the window, cheering, “Ink!”

They all peered over her shoulder, seeing that the Incredibly Deadly Viper was slinking away in the grass, heading towards the hedge maze.  

“Bye, Ink!” Sunny called. “Amo! Mox!” This meant, “I love you! I hope to see you soon!”

And the siblings watched as the snake peered towards them, and raised its tail in a wave.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

in which Aunt Josephine is no longer Fierce

“What do you remember about Aunt Jo, Lilac?” Nick asked.

“First of all, Nicholas,” Poe said, “You should call her by her full name unless she tells you to do otherwise.”

“You mean like how I tell you my name is Nick and not Nicholas?”

“Yes, exactly.”

Nick sighed, and stared at the Fickle Ferry they’d just stepped off of. He shared an annoyed look with Solitude, who was being carried by Violet, who was staring at the water, narrowing her eyes as if she wanted to tie her hair back and think of something. Klaus held Sunny with one hand and gripped onto Lilac’s arm with the other, as she carried two suitcases. Nick had two more, and Violet had another.

Lilac said, “Well, Nick, all I remember is her name. I think she might’ve babysat once? I just remember calling her Fierce Auntie Josephine.”

“She’s not really your Aunt.” Poe said. “She’s really your second cousin’s sister-in-law. Oh, children! Before I forget, I got you a little something!” He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small paper bag, awkwardly handing it to Sunny, the only one with free hands. “Peppermints!”

The siblings gave each other very tired looks, and Lilac said, “Thank you, Mr Poe.”

“That’s very kind of you.” Klaus said.

“You can eat them on your cab ride to Ms Anwhistle’s house.” Poe said. “Lilac, here’s some money for the cab- oh, your hands are full, someone take this? Thank you, Violet. She said over the phone that she couldn’t meet you at the dock, and I didn’t find it polite to ask why. I suspect it’s related to her husband’s death, and I should hope none of you are rude enough to ask how she became a dowager. Let me signal for a taxi.”

“What’s that?” Violet asked.

“Violet,” Poe said, “A girl your age should know that a taxi is a car which will drive you someplace for a fee.”

Klaus sighed, then turned to Violet. “‘Dowager’ is a fancy word for ‘widow.’”

“Thank you.” Violet said.

A taxi stopped for them, and as Poe started loading in their luggage, he said, “Now, I’d love to go with you, but the banking day has already begun, and if I don’t return soon I won’t get anything done. Your Aunt Josephine is a bit nervous about having six children around the house, but I assured her that you are all very well-behaved.” Nick laughed. “So please mind your manners, and you can call me at the bank if there’s any sort of problem. I should hope nothing goes wrong this time.”

As he gave money to the taxi driver, and the children piled into the backseat, Nick said, “So when do you think something’ll go wrong?”

“Hopefully we’ll have a bit of time.” Lilac sighed. “Solitude, stop wiggling so much. Sunny, stop biting on the seatbelt.”

“Lilac, stop being a buzzkill.” Violet said.

They said goodbye to Mr Poe, and the taxi drove off. Lilac and Nick, pressed against the windows, looked out at all the stores- a clothing store that seemed to be undergoing renovations, a terrible-looking restaurant called the Anxious Clown, with neon lights and balloons, and several closed-up shops.

“Should we have told him we’re allergic to peppermints?” Nick asked.

“I don’t think it’d matter.” Lilac sighed, taking the bag from Sunny and shoving it into her coat pocket.

“Although, technically,” Violet said, “We don’t know if Soli and Sunny are. They’ve never tried peppermint.”

“Technically, neither have I.” Nick said.

“Wait, yeah you have.” Klaus said. “At the birthday party, when I- wait, no, you didn’t eat the candy!”

“No, I just cried because I assumed you were gonna die.” Nick said. “Haven’t touched any peppermints since.”

“We could test it.” Violet said. “Call it an experiment.”

“Oh, God, no.” Lilac said. “No experiments. No!”

“This town doesn’t seem very crowded.” Klaus said, hoping to change the conversation.

“I was hoping we could make some friends here.” Nick said carefully.

“It’s the off-season.” the taxi driver explained, glancing back at them. “The town of Lake Lachrymose is a resort, and when the nice weather comes it’s as crowded as can be. But around now, things here are as dead as the cat I ran over this morning.”

“Oh my God.” Lilac muttered, and Solitude’s eyes widened.

“Speaking of which,” the driver said, “Hurricane Herman is expected to arrive in town in a week or so. Better make sure you have enough food up there in the house.”

“A hurricane on a lake?” Nick raised an eyebrow.

“I thought hurricanes only occurred near the ocean.” Klaus said.

“A body of water as large as Lake Lachrymose can have anything occur in it.” the driver said. “I’d be nervous to live on top of this hill, it’ll be difficult to drive down into town once the storm hits.”

Lilac peered out the window, seeing that they were indeed driving up very far, the town starting to look small beneath them.

“That lake is huge.” Nick said quietly.

“Gib.” Solitude nodded. “That’s the biggest body of water I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“Who are you meeting all the way up here, again?”

“Our Aunt Josephine.” Lilac said. “She’s very fierce.”

“I should hope so, living at this height, so close to the lake.” the driver said. He parked the car, and the children slowly exited. Lilac went to the trunk for their luggage, and the other children looked ahead at the small house before them; it didn’t look very big, and desperately needed repainted. But as they approached, and Lilac said goodbye to the taxi driver and threw suitcases into her siblings’ hands, they saw that the rest of the house was hanging over a cliff, attached to the hill by spindly metal stilts.

“This is going to fall when a gust of wind comes by.” Nick said.

“Well,” Lilac said, “If Aunt Jo does live here, it must be safe.”

“Not if she’s a daredevil.” Violet said. “Maybe she only just built it. Hey, Li, maybe I should live in a house like this- except more off the cliff, can never be in too much danger!”

“Shut up.” Lilac rolled her eyes, walking up to the front door and ringing the doorbell. Solitude squirmed uncomfortably in Nick’s arms, muttering something about how he was holding her too tight, and Sunny leaned up against Klaus, wondering if she could just fall asleep for a while.

The door creaked open, and a nervous-looking woman peered out at them.

“Hello,” Lilac said, “Are you our Aunt Josephine?”

“Yes.” the woman said. “You must be the Baudelaires. Lilac, I haven’t seen you since you were a toddler, you’ve certainly grown.”

“Hello!” Violet said, stepping carefully forwards, “I’m Violet-”

“Careful, dear!” Josephine said. “Don’t touch the doorknob, it could shatter into a million pieces and pierce your eye.”

The children stared at her. “What?” Nick said.

“It could explode.” Josephine said. “Oh, dear. You don’t have hearing problems, do you?”

“No, he’s just an idiot.” Lilac said. “May we come in?” ‘

“Of course, of course, just make sure you push on the wood of the door.”

The siblings shared another look, and then they crept inside, glancing around the house. It didn’t look as bad as they’d feared; upon seeing half the house dangling off a cliff, they’d been afraid that everything would be scattered or tilted, but all of the furniture seemed to be in place.

“I’m afraid it’s a bit cold in here,” Josephine said.

“Is the radiator broken?” Lilac asked. “I’m very good at repairing things.”

“Oh, no, I’m just afraid to turn it on, as it may explode.”

Soli bit her lip. “Timor,” she whispered to Nick, meaning, “Someone’s been to crazy-town.”

“Oh! And that is the telephone, over there.” Josephine said. “It should only be used in emergencies, in case it electrocutes you.”

“I’ve read quite a bit about electricity,” Klaus said, “And I’m pretty sure that the telephone is perfectly safe.”

“Well,” Josephine didn’t meet his eye, “You can’t believe everything you read.”

“I’ve built a telephone before.” Violet said. “If you like, I could take the phone apart and show you how it works.”

“I don’t think so.” Josephine said. “You could pierce your skin with something sharp.”

“Delmo!” Sunny offered, which meant, “If you wish, I will bite the telephone to show you that it’s harmless!”

“Sunny!” Klaus said.

“Delmo?” Josephine asked. “What do you mean by ‘delmo’? I consider myself an expert on the English language, and I have no idea what the word ‘delmo’ means. Is she speaking some other language?”

“Sunny doesn’t speak fluently yet.” Klaus said. “She does know some English words.”

“And Italian.” Nick said. “Mom taught her some of that.”

“And Father taught us some Latin.” Klaus added. “But Sunny and Soli mostly just use baby talk.”

“Grun!” Solitude said, crossing her arms. “It’s not ‘baby’ talk!”

“Well, I will have to teach her proper English.” Josephine said stiffly. “I’m sure you all need some brushing up on your grammar, actually. Grammar is the greatest joy in life, don’t you find?”

Violet took a deep breath, and Lilac punched her on the shoulder before she could even think of saying anything. Klaus and Nick shared a look, while Solitude bit back a thought about how Uncle Monty’s collection seemed to be the greatest joy in life.

“We’ve always loved grammar.” Lilac finally said.

“Aunt Jo,” Nick asked, “What’s in that room over there?”

“Oh, that’s the library.” Josephine said. “I’ll be able to teach you grammar in there.”

“You have a library?” Klaus’s eyes lit up.

“Well, yes, but I mostly just use my grammar books. There’s nothing else of interest to me in there.”

“Perhaps we might take an interest in some of it.” Klaus said.

Josephine looked a bit startled, but she did nod and say, “You can put your stuff in your room. Follow me.” She started to walk, saying, “I’m sorry there’s only one, but my house isn’t very big.”

“We’ll be fine.” Violet said, though she had been secretly hoping she wouldn’t have to share a room with anyone.

“We can make ourselves comfortable.” Lilac said.

Aunt Josephine pushed open a door to a room that had two beds shoved into the corners and two hammocks hanging from the ceiling, as well as two good-sized cribs inbetween the beds.

“There’s a trunk at the edge of one of the beds.” Josephine said. “There’s a present for each of you, let me fetch them.”

She walked over to the trunk, opening it as the siblings put their suitcases down onto the other bed, and Nick and Klaus put Solitude and Sunny on the floor. Solitude walked over to one of the cribs, looking it over, and Sunny crawled towards Aunt Josephine, who pulled out two dolls.

“For Lilac and Violet,” she said, “There are some dolls, who come with lots of outfits. You’ll be able to share, won’t you?”

“Of course.” Violet said, forcing on a smile. She and Lilac were both too old for dolls, and Violet herself had never cared for them, being more interested in taking them apart and putting them back together than playing dress-up. “They look kind of like Marie Curie and Hedy Lamarr.”

“Thank you, Aunt Josephine,” Lilac said, trying to remember the last time she’d played dolls.

“For Nick,” Josephine said, “I have a model train set. You can set up the tracks in that corner of the room.”

“What fun.” Nick said stiffly. He never liked putting work into the putting together a train set, especially since he’d have to sit down and follow instructions to build it, and it could only go in an endless circle once he was done.

“For Klaus, I have a deck of cards. I don’t know much about young boys, but I’ve heard they like cards.”

“I once read a book on the history of legalized gambling.” Klaus said, trying to remember any rules of poker.

“And for little Solitude and Sunny,” Josephine said, “I have purchased two rattles. They sound the same, so you don’t have to worry about who gets which.”

She shook one, and Sunny forced a smile, but she glanced at Lilac with concern; she despised rattles, and she absolutely could not stand the noise they made. Solitude, who had bent down to look under her crib, sat back up and said, “Cooke,” which meant, “It kind of sounds like a Rattlesnake.”

“That’s very generous of you.” Lilac said.

“Well, I’m very happy you’re here.” Josephine said. “I can’t wait to share my love of grammar with you! We’ll have dinner in a few minutes, after you’ve settled in.”

“Aunt Josephine,” Klaus asked, “What are those cans for?”

“They are for burglars.” Josephine said. “Every night, I place these cans by the door, so when burglars come in, they’ll trip over the cans and wake us up.”

“But then what will we do?” Violet asked. “I’d prefer to sleep through a burglary than deal with an angry burglar.”

“Angry burglars?” Josephine’s eyes grew wide. “Are you trying to frighten me?”

“Of course not!” Lilac said, giving Violet another punch. “We didn’t mean to scare you at all.”

“Well, we’ll say no more about it.” Josephine said. “I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

She shut the door, and the Baudelaires listened to her footsteps for a moment, before Nick said, “Nice going, jackass.”

“It’s not my fault she’s scared of everything!” Violet protested.

“So that’s Fierce Aunt Josephine?” Klaus glared at Lilac.

“Maybe toddler-me was a sarcastic little shit.” Lilac shrugged. “It’s not like I’ve seen her since then.”

“Dorel,” Solitude said, pointing at the crib. “I’m too old for that, I moved out of cribs back when Sunny was born.”

“I know,” Lilac said. “But we’ll have to make the best of it. Maybe we can take the bars off so you can get in-and-out by yourself.”

“Sunny,” Klaus said, “You can have my deck of cards, if you want. You said you liked playing with them, didn’t you?”

Sunny nodded, and Nick added, “Lilac, you and Violet can have the trainset. Maybe you can engineer something with it.”

“I’ll take the rattles.” Violet said. “Maybe I can invent a better burglar alarm.”

“That would leave you boys with the dolls.” Lilac said.

“Plenty of boys enjoy playing with dolls.” Klaus shrugged. “Though I’d rather have a book. Maybe we can look through Aunt Josephine’s library later.”

“Do you think we’ll find the Eye somewhere?” Nick asked.

“Hopefully.” Lilac said. “We can find out about it.”

At the same time, Violet said, “Hopefully not, it’s creepy.”

They glanced at each other, and Lilac said, “Well, whether or not we like the gifts, Aunt Josephine went out of her way to get them for us. We shouldn’t complain.”

“You’re right,” Violet said, “We shouldn’t complain.”

“We shouldn’t complain.” Klaus said.

“Twee!” Sunny and Soli said.

After a second, though, Klaus said, “I want to complain anyway.”

They stared for a moment, and then Nick said, “Well, I’m gonna go disassociate in front of the fridge.”

“Don’t you dare.” Lilac said, grabbing his hand and dragging him back. “We’re all going to behave ourselves.”

“Since when have we ever behaved ourselves?”

“Nick!”

“Chilled cucumber soup,” Klaus said quietly, “Is certainly an… interesting choice.”

“Yes, it is very cold,” Josephine shrugged, looking around at the six kids crowded around the table, “I’m afraid to turn on the stove, in case it bursts into flames.”

Sunny gave her a look of utter bewilderment.

“My dear husband and I never had children,” Josephine said, “But I do want you to know I’m very happy that you’re here. I’m often very lonely without my husband, and when Mr Poe told me about your troubles, I didn’t want you to be as lonely as I was when I lost my dear Ike.”

“Ike was your husband?” Lilac asked.

Nick bit back a sarcastic No, really? as Josephine said, “Yes, he was my husband, my best friend, my partner in grammar, and the only person I knew who could whistle with crackers in his mouth.”

“Mother could do that.” Klaus remembered. “She could do Mozart’s fourteenth symphony.”

“Ike’s specialty was Beethoven’s fourth quartet.” Josephine said proudly.

“I’m sorry we never got to meet him.” Violet said. “He sounds wonderful.”

“He was wonderful.” Josephine said. “I was so sad when he died, I felt like I’d lost more than one special thing in my life.”

“What’s that mean?” Nick asked, ignoring Lilac’s kick from under the table.

“I lost Ike,” Aunt Josephine said, “And I lost Lake Lachrymose. I mean, it’s still there, of course, But I grew up on its shores, I used to swim in it every day. When it took poor Ik away from me, I was too afraid to go near it anymore. I even put away all my books on it. The only way I can bear to look at it is through the window in the library.”

“Can we see the Library?” Klaus asked, practically vibrating at the idea of seeing more books.

“I can show you, if you’re all finished with your soup.”

“We’re done, let’s see the books.” Nick said, already standing up.

“Nick, don’t be rude.” Lilac hissed.

“Oh, Lilac,” Josephine said, “I’m sure he’s just excited for grammar lessons.”

Nick took a deep breath. “Yes. That’s why I want to see the books. For grammar.”

Josephine stood up, leading them down the hallway and towards the back of the house. She pushed open a door, and the siblings stepped into the Library. Klaus gasped, grinning, as he saw the ovular room, one wall of which contained rows and rows of books. Books were also piled beside chairs, scattered on a table, inside cabinets of glass, and littered around the bottom of a statue of a woman with a sword.

The other side of the room had a wall made of glass, and the children ran over that way to look through the wide window, seeing an amazing view of Lake Lachrymose, which stretched out farther than they could see.

“This is the only way I can look at it,” Josephine said, “From far away. If I felt too close, I remember my last picnic on the beach with my darling Ike. I warned him to wait an hour after eating before he went into the lake, but he only waited forty-five minutes.”

“Did he get cramps?” Klaus asked. “That’s what happens when you swim after eating.”

“Well, in Lake Lachrymose, there’s another reason.” Josephine said. “If you don’t wait an hour, the Lachrymose Leeches smell food on you and attack.”

“Leech?” Soli looked up, interested.

“Blind worms that live in water and suck your blood.” Nick said.

“Snake?”

“No, they’re not snakes.”

“Hirudinea!” Solitude threw up her arms. “Then who cares?”

“That did not sound grammatically correct, Solitude.” Josephine said. “The Lachrymose Leeches are different from regular ones. They each have six rows of sharp teeth and one very sharp nose- they can smell the tiniest crumb of food from miles away. They’re usually harmless, but if they smell food on a human, they will swam and- and-”

She burst into tears, then, taking out a small handkerchief. “I apologize, children. It is not grammatically correct to end a sentence with the word ‘and’, but I get so upset when I think about Ike that I can’t talk about his death.”

“We’re sorry we brought it up.” Lilac said.

“That’s alright.” Josephine said. “I prefer to think of Ike in other ways. He always loved the sunshine, and I hope wherever he is, it’s sunny as can be.”

“Did you and Ike know our parents?” Klaus asked cautiously.

“Oh, yes. We used to develop secret codes together, and-” she cut herself off again, as if she realized something she wasn’t supposed to say.

“Our parents developed secret codes?” Klaus asked.

“Well, yes, I suppose we did.” Josephine said. “But mostly we just talked about grammar. We should really get to lessons.”

“Aunt Josephine,” Lilac asked, “Have you ever thought of maybe… moving someplace else? Maybe if you moved away from Lake Lachrymose, you might feel better.”

“Oh, I could never sell this house.” Josephine said. “I’m terrified of realtors.”

The siblings stared for a good, long while, and then Solitude said, “Paviduus,” which meant, “She’s the mayor of crazy-town.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

in which the Baudelaires break into a safe

Nick leaned against the window, and said, “Do you think if we pushed too hard on this, it’d break and we’d fall?”

“I think Aunt Josephine’s getting to you.” Lilac said, passing Sunny a piece of paper to gnaw on.

“No,” Nick said, “I just think it’d be fun to freefall.”

“Don’t do that.” Klaus said. “You’ll die very quickly.”

“But it’d be fun death.”

“Nick.”

The Baudelaire children had settled in during the last few days, but it was a bit hard for them to be very happy. They would have cold drinks and uncooked food for every meal, and whenever Josephine spent time with them, she didn’t talk about their parents or anything they’d like to hear; instead, she tried to teach them grammar lessons. Nick would sometimes pretend to use the bathroom while Josephine was teaching, only to hide in their room, climb into a hammock, and fold paper airplanes out of sheets of paper he’d rip from encyclopedias when nobody was looking.

Violet spent most of her free time breaking apart the rattles, and Lilac took apart the model train set, and the two sisters would keep their hair tied up in hopes of thinking of a better burglar alarm, or a way to cook food that wouldn’t scare Aunt Josephine. Klaus eventually got bored of the grammar books, and he was dismayed to find that the only non-grammatical book that Aunt Josephine didn’t have put away somewhere was Anna Karenina, which he’d already read twice. Solitude spent most of her time finding a new room to hide in, as she’d seemed to tire of Nick never letting her out of his sight, but she felt very bad about this; whenever they found her, she’d look very guilty, and she’d apologize for worrying them. Sunny alternated between playing with her deck of cards, trying to teach Solitude how to play, or biting onto anything she could reach, but she really wished she had something better to do with her time.

“When’s ol’ Aunt Jo getting back again?” Nick asked, standing up and stretching slightly.

“Shouldn’t be too long.” Lilac said, passing Sunny another piece of paper, as Sunny had accidentally eaten her first. “She said she was just getting groceries.”

“She should’ve let us come with her.” Violet said; she and Klaus were curled up in the same chair, with her struggling to get through Anna Karenina, and Klaus falling asleep on her shoulder, having given up on his grammar book.

“Help.” Solitude nodded; she had wandered out of the room a while ago, only to come back in to see if she could spot anything under the shelves.

“Soli’s right, we could’ve helped.” Nick said. “Beats hanging around here.”

“She said she’d be scared to lose us in a crowd.” Lilac sighed. “There are a lot of us, and let’s be honest, Nick, you and Solitude tend to wander.”

“Speaking of which, whatcha looking for, Sol?” Nick asked.

Solitude giggled awkwardly before shrugging and continuing to crawl across the floor. Sunny slid off her chair, also crawling around the ground, looking under the shelves; it was better than being bored and eating paper.

“I haven’t seen that Eye in her house.” Nick said. “Klaus, have you seen it anywhere?”

Klaus opened one eye to glare at him. “Nope.” he said. “And before you ask, yes, I still have the spyglass on me.”

“I wonder what kinds of codes our parents used to come up with with Aunt Josephine,” Violet said. “And if she has them written down somewhere. It’d be more interesting than this.”

“Anna Karenina’s a classic, Vi.” Klaus said.

“And you weren’t being grammatically correct.” Nick joked. “You used ‘with’ twice in a row.”

“Bite me.” Violet said, flipping him off.

“Violet!” Lilac reprimanded. “Look, everyone, I know living here isn’t… great… but it’s better than living with Olaf, or being in Peru with him.”

“Perch,” Sunny said, which meant something like, “Or being trapped in a birdcage.”

“See?” Lilac said.

“But that doesn’t make it good.” Nick said. “Just cause it’s not awful doesn’t mean we should-”

“We should be thankful Aunt Josephine gave us a home at all.” Lilac said.

“Oh, yeah, we should be thankful that Fierce Auntie Jo didn’t let Poe send us somewhere else.”

“Stop calling her that!”

“You started it!”

“When I was a toddler!”

“Hey!” Solitude shouted.

“Stop fighting.” Klaus groaned. “You’re being loud.”

“And fighting won’t solve anything.” Violet said. “Maybe we can find where Aunt Josephine is hiding the books she’s scared of.”

“I’ve looked in all the other rooms.” Nick said. “Haven’t found anything.”

“Maybe they’re just hidden very well.” Lilac said.

Klaus sat up slightly. “I mean, she did say ‘secret codes.’ Maybe she has a secret compartment.”

“Secret room?” Violet suggested. “I’d love a secret room.”

“Yes,” Lilac sighed, “And you tell us that whenever you have the chance.”

“Well, I just-”

At that moment, Sunny let out a shriek, and they all whipped around to stare at her. Sunny had just leapt away from the bookshelves and fallen on her back, shocked, and after a second, a small brown-green frog with a black mask pattern hopped out from underneath the shelves, racing across the room at top speed.

“What the hell?” Lilac shouted.

“Holy shit!” Violet said, as Klaus jumped to his feet and ran to pick up Sunny.

“Froggy!” Solitude called, running forwards, and the frog changed direction, heading towards her. It finally reached her, and leapt onto her shoulder. “Froggy! I’s okay!”

The other five Baudelaires stared at her for a good, long while, until she finally looked up at them. Then, quietly, Lilac said, “Solitude?”

“Ye?”

“Is that a frog?”

Solitude’s face went as red as her hair. “No.”

“Solitude?” Nick crept a bit closer to her. “Is that Babbitt?”

“No.”

“Solitude,” Violet said, “That is clearly Babbitt.”

“When the hell,” Klaus said, “Did you get Babbitt back?”

Soli put a hand on the frog, which was snuggling up against the collar of her dress. “Um…”

“How long have you had that?” Lilac asked.

Solitude sighed. “Repro,” she admitted, which meant, “I’ve had them we left Uncle Monty’s.”

“Them? Is there more than one ?” Lilac asked.

“Callis-” Solitude glared at her. “No, just Babbitt, but their species of frog is genderfluid, so-”

“You’ve been hiding that frog since Uncle Monty’s?” Nick asked.

“Tep!” Solitude cried. “They were hiding in the Reptile Room right before we left, and I couldn’t let those men take them away!”

“What have you been feeding them?” Violet asked.

“Bugs!”

“Have you been hiding them for this whole time?” Klaus asked.

Solitude nodded, tears springing to her eyes as she asked, “Giveaway?” “Are you going to make me give them up?”

The siblings glanced at each other, and finally, Lilac said, “You can’t show them to Aunt Josephine. They’ll probably scare her.”

Solitude beamed, laughing and flapping her hands.

“And you’re in charge of them.” Lilac said. “Feeding and cleaning up after and- and catching them!”

Babbitt leapt off of Solitude’s shoulder, hopping to a far shelf, trying to go under it. Solitude ran after them, calling, “Babbitt! Babbitt!”

She managed to dive and grab the frog before they got under the shelf, but as she did, Klaus said, “Wait a minute.”

He walked over to stand by Soli, after putting Sunny back down onto a chair. He stood by the shelf Babbitt had run to, inspecting it closely.

“This shelf is indented behind the others.” he noted.

“Yeah. Probably a weird design choice.” Nick shrugged.

Klaus ignored him, instead grabbing the edge of the shelf and pulling. The siblings stared in wonder as part of the shelf retracted, revealing a wall, with a shiny safe built into it.

“Secret room!” Violet cheered.

“Secret safe.” Lilac corrected.

“Good Babbitt!” Solitude cheered.

“Nice work, Klaus.” Nick said, moving over and kneeling in front of the safe. Solitude walked over to sit beside him, petting her frog.

“Well, it wasn’t that hard.” Klaus said modestly.

“We’ll have to break in.” Violet said. “I can make a blowtorch-”

“You are not making a blowtorch.” Lilac said.

“Coward.”

“We can guess the combination.” Nick said.

“Well,” Klaus said, “Most safes use three or four-number locks. There are one-million possible combinations.”

“We don’t have that kind of time, I don’t think.” Nick said.

“Codes.” Sunny suggested.

“Sunny’s right.” Lilac said. “Aunt Josephine said our parents developed secret codes. In some codes, numbers substitute for letters.”

“If it’s a word, it’d have to be something she’d remember, something she cares about.” Violet said.

“Grammar.” Solitude said.

“That’s too many letters.” Klaus said. “We’d need something that isn’t very long.”

“What else does she care about?” Lilac prompted.

“Cold food.” Nick said.

“Doorbell and telephone safety.” Violet said.

“Not telling us anything we actually want to know.” Klaus said.

“Scripto,” Solitude huffed, petting Babbitt, “Not actually paying attention to things we like.”

“None of you are any help.” Lilac sighed.

“Ike!” Sunny said.

They stared at her for a beat, and then Violet said, “That’s three letters long.”

“Good idea, Sunshine.” Lilac said, and they all knelt in front of the safe as Nick put in 9-11-5 . They heard a small click, and Nick swung open the safe door.

“Whoo!” Nick cheered. “We’re in!”

“What is all of this?” Violet said, reaching forwards and grabbing a box, decorated with a painting of Lake Lachrymose. She opened it, saying, “Crackers.”

“Yahua.” Sunny said. “Safe crackers.”

“There’s some sheet music.” Lilac said.

“Ike’s whistling music.” Violet said, pulling out the papers.

“An Atlas of Lake Lachrymose.” Klaus pointed out.

“Here’s some photos.” Nick said, pulling out one. “Holy shit, is this Aunt Josephine?”

“Language.” Lilac said, peering over his shoulder. “I think it is.”

“Is she training lions?” Violet asked.

“She’s fistfighting a shark in this one.” Klaus said.

“Roh.” Solitude said, also taking a photo to show Babbitt. “Wrestling.”

“Boxing, Skydiving…” Klaus said, flipping through photos. “Who jumps out of a plane for fun?”

“I totally would.” Nick said.

“She did use to be fierce.” Lilac said quietly.

“What happened to her?” Violet asked.

“Hold on.” Nick said. “Hold on, there’s a book.”

Klaus reached in, pulling out a thick book, emblazoned with the title The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations.

“Well, that’s convenient.” Nick said.

“Secret Organizations?” Violet asked.

“I guess secret codes lead to secret organizations.” Klaus said.

“Our parents can’t be in a secret organization.” Nick said. “They’re not cool enough.”

“Maybe they’re not. Maybe Josephine has this for some other reason.” Klaus said.

“Maybe we should fucking read it and see.” Violet said.

At that, they heard a door open, and a call of, “Be careful with the welcome mat! You could trip and break your neck!”

“Shit. Goddamnit. Fuck.” Nick said, as Klaus and Violet hurriedly shoved everything back into the safe. Solitude squeaked and shoved Babbitt into her pocket, muttering to him to stay there, and then Nick picked her up and carried her over to a chair, sitting down with her and grabbing a random book.

“Nick, I am going to glue your mouth shut!” Lilac yelled, grabbing Sunny and carrying her back to the table, now containing several scraps of half-eaten paper.

Klaus slid the bookshelf over the safe again, and Violet grabbed a random grammar book, before flopping onto the carpet, opening it up to a random spot and hoping nobody noticed it was upside-down. Klaus ran for where Violet left Anna Karenina, flipping it open and getting onto his chair just as Aunt Josephine walked in.

“Ah, Baudelaires! There you are!” she said. “I just put the groceries into the kitchen.”

“Would you like us to cook for you?” Lilac asked, shoving a paper at Sunny’s face.

“Oh, no! Don’t use the stove!”

“We won’t-”

“But I suppose it wouldn’t matter.” Josephine said.  She sat in a chair, and said, “Children, I found something interesting at the town market!”

“Warm food?” Nick asked.

“Nick,” Lilac hissed, “I am going to kill you.”

“Lilac, dear,” Josephine said, “Don’t worry about your brother. I’m aware that I’m a disappointment to you, and to countless others. Believe it or not, I used to be a fierce and formidable woman. But these are… troubling times.”

“I guess.” Violet said.

“There are fires and dangers all around us.” Josephine said. “But… I’ve decided I shouldn’t allow myself to be afraid of everything anymore.”

“Good.” Nick said, and Lilac shot him a glare so fierce he actually shrunk back.

“So, children,” Josephine said, “May I leave you alone for a few more hours? I came home to get a new cardigan, and then he’s taking me out to dinner.”

The children froze in shock for a moment, before Klaus said, “What?”

“I met a man!” Josephine said. “He has had a troubled past, and he asked to treat me to a fried egg sandwich.”

Violet said, “You’re going on a date?”

“Violet, don’t be vulgar.” Josephine said. “It’s not a date, necessarily. But please be nice to him while I get my cardigan, make small talk. Oh, Captain! Captain Sham!”

The siblings heard a distant, “I’m hobbling as fast as I can, Josephine!” and suddenly they all felt very cold. Nick pushed Solitude behind him, and Lilac jumped to her feet, moving in front of Sunny. Violet and Klaus also stood, just as Captain Sham walked into the room.

“Goddamnit.” Nick muttered under his breath.

Aunt Josephine was going on a date with Count Olaf.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER NINETEEN

in which Aunt Josephine gets a date

“Well, hello, children!”

He had once again donned a fake accent, as well as a ridiculous disguise. Lilac realized quickly that Violet and Klaus were the closest to him, so she made a beeline for them, positioning herself slightly in front of Violet.

“My name is Captain Sham,” Olaf said, “And my home is the sea.”

“No, it’s not!” Nick said.

“Okay, alright, it’s a large lake.” Captain Sham said. “But I assumed that you children would be bookish enough to understand a metaphor.”

“It’s not a metaphor!” Lilac said.

“She’s right,” Josephine said, “It’s an over-exaggeration.”

Captain Sham gave her a pained smile. “Yes, thank you, Josephine.”

“It’s not a metaphor, because it’s not true!” Violet said. “You’re not Captain Sham, you’re Count Olaf!”

“Count Olaf!” Josephine cried. “Children, don’t bring up that terrifying person! Not in front of our guest!”

“This isn’t a guest, this is Count Olaf!” Klaus said.

“Klaus, I’m shocked!” Josephine said. “The proper sentence should be, ‘He is Count Olaf,’ not ‘This is Count Olaf.’ And this is Captain Sham.”

“Who is this Count Omar?” Count Olaf asked.

“You are!” Lilac said. “You have the same shiny eyes and the same eyebrow.”

“Lilac! Plenty of people have features like that.” Josephine said. “My mother-in-law not only had one eyebrow, she had one ear. And Captain Sham doesn’t even have the same eyes; he only has one, you can see his eye patch.”

“We’re not doing his again! He’s got the tattoo!” Nick said, starting forwards. “Look, see, he’s got-”

Before Lilac could stop him, he reached forwards and grabbed Olaf’s leg, pulling on it and pulling back the pant to try and show the tattoo. Violet and Klaus screamed as their older sister raced forwards and pulled him back, but before she could, Nick stared, wide-eyed, at a peg leg, instead of an ankle.

“Nicholas!” Josephine said. “I’m very sorry, Captain Sham.”

Lilac pushed Nick behind her, terror filling her as she shouted, “Nick Liam Baudelaire, what the hell was that?”

“He- his ankle-” Nick began.

“Nick,” Josephine said, as she helped Count Olaf back to his feet, “He has a peg leg! He told me, in the market, how the Lachrymose Leeches devoured his leg, just as they- well, he doesn’t have an ankle to tattoo! Do you think he would cut off his own leg to prank you?”

“It’s not a prank if it’s not funny.” said Violet, master of pranks.

“And nothing is funny about my leg being eaten by Lachrymose Leeches.” Captain Sham said. “I work as a sailboat rental agent, you see, and I’m afraid I was working while eating Pasta Puttanesca, which the leeches smelled. I was able to get away, but I lost my leg in the process.”

“That’s a dirty lie!” Nick said. “You’re- you’re Count Olaf!”

“Nick, that’s enough.” Josephine said.

“I can’t be this Count Olaf.” Count Olaf said. “My name is on my business card- see?” He held out a business card for the children to see- Captain Sham’s Sailboats. Every Boat has it’s own Sail.

“I corrected his grammar.” Josephine said proudly. “He put an apostrophe in the wrong place.”

“Yes.” Olaf looked pained. “You mentioned.”

“Captain Sham, I am very sorry about the children. Mr Poe told me that they tend to see Count Olaf everywhere.”

“Because he’s right here.” Klaus said. “Anyone can make any business card that says anything!”

“It’s alright, Josephine. I love children.” Olaf said. “Perhaps I could take them out for a little trip on my sailboat one day.”

“No!” Lilac said.

“Ging!” Solitude said, which meant, “I’d rather eat dirt!”

“Lachry!” Sunny cried, meaning, “Go jump in the lake!”

“These children seem to have forgotten their manners.” Josephine said. “Children, apologize to Captain Sham.”

“He’s not Captain Sham! He’s Count Olaf!” Violet insisted.

“Children, please stop this nonsense.” Josephine said. “I’ll get my cardigan, and then Captain Sham and I will go have dinner. Please don’t bother him.”

“Aunt Josephine!” Lilac called, but Josephine simply turned and left.

The second she was gone, Olaf said, “So. Long time, no see, Baudelaires.”

“Get away from us.” Lilac said, and as Olaf stepped closer, she pushed her siblings back some more, all of them stepping away from him and closer to the wide window.

“You’re not going to get away with this.” Klaus said.

“Get away with what?” Olaf said. “All I’ve done is ask a lady out to dinner.”

“Whatever you’re planning to do to Aunt Josephine-” Violet’s voice broke slightly.

“We’re eating fried egg sandwiches.” Olaf said.

“We’ll stop you.” Nick said. “Just like we stopped you before.”

“Well,” Olaf said, “You didn’t really stop me before, did you? Poor Uncle Monty-”

“You son of a bitch!” Violet screamed, and Lilac only barely managed to grab her sister’s arm and keep her from throwing herself at him.

“Language, Violet.” Olaf sneered.

“Oh, no,” Lilac said, through gritted teeth, “You don’t get to say that to her.”

“I think you’ll find,” Olaf said, “That I can say whatever I wish.”

“Stay the fuck away from her!” Lilac said, before pushing Violet back farther. Violet stumbled, almost running into the window before barely regaining her balance.

“Careful, Lilac.” Olaf said, his eyes shining, “You wouldn’t want anyone to fall off  that cliff, would you?”

“If you lay a finger on my siblings,” Lilac said, “I will kill you, I swear!”  

“Lilac, Lilac, Lilac.” Olaf said. “You really should know better than to threaten-”

He was cut off by his own scream as, suddenly, Babbitt flew out of nowhere, landing right on his face. The frog bounced off, landing on the floor and rolling over before hopping back to Solitude, who’d slid off her chair and grabbed him, pulling her arm back as if preparing to throw him again. Nick raced over to her, picking her up before she could, and as she let out a cry of protest, the children ran out of the Library, with Lilac only stopping to grab Sunny. They raced to the kitchen, just as Aunt Josephine walked in, shrugging on a red cardigan.

“Oh, Baudelaires! No running in the house! You could trip and fall!” she said.

“Aunt Josephine-” Lilac began.

“Ms Josephine,” said Captain Sham, hobbling into the room, “We should really be going. The fried egg restaurant closes soon.”

“Ah, yes, you’re right.” Josephine said. “Children, I’ll be back shortly.”

“Aunt Josephine, please-” Klaus began.

“Aunt Jo!” Nick shouted.

“Seph!” Sunny shouted.

“Now, children! Don’t be impolite.” Josephine said. “I’ll see you shortly. Say goodbye to Captain Sham.”

Solitude hid behind Nick’s leg, still stuffing Babbitt back into her dress pocket. Sunny spat a curse under her breath, and Violet took a deep breath, grabbing onto Klaus’s hand.

“Goodbye.” Lilac finally said.

“Goodbye, children.” Sham said. “I’ll see you soon.”

Aunt Josephine didn’t seem to think that was an alarming thing to say, and the two of them departed.

The second the door slammed shut, Nick shouted, “What the fuck?”

“We’re in so much shit.” Violet said.

“Okay, everyone calm down.” Lilac said. “Just calm down a moment. Klaus, hold Sunny a second, I need to think.” She passed the infant over, before starting to tie her hair up.

“What is his plan?” Klaus said. “We have to figure out his plan. We have to stop it before anything happens to Aunt Josephine.”

“We can’t let what happened to Uncle Monty happen to her.” Violet said, her voice breaking a little.

“Everyone shut up.” Lilac said. She shut her eyes, saying, “He could kill her, true, but how would he get us? Just kidnap us?”

“He could marry her and become our guardian.” Violet said miserably.

“Or his henchpeople could break in and kidnap us while he’s on a date with her.” Nick said, looking disgusted at the mere thought of romance, let alone a romance with someone like Olaf.

“We’ll make sure all the windows and doors are locked.” Lilac said. “We’ll take shifts standing guard. We can’t just go into town on our own, God only knows what he could do to us in an unfamiliar territory.”

“God only knows what he could do to us here.” Klaus said.

“I’m not letting that happen.” Lilac said. “I’m not letting him hurt any one of you again, okay?”

The children glanced at each other, and then Nick said, “And we’re not letting him hurt you, either.”

Lilac bit her lip. “Nick, it’s not your job to take care of me. It’s my job to take care of you. And I will.” She looked between them. “Everyone stay together, we can’t afford for anyone to go missing. We’re going buddy-system. And Soli, Babbitt does not count as a buddy.”

“Aw.” Soli pouted.

“Everyone in our room.” Lilac said. “Violet, we’ll take apart the trains and rattles again, see if we can make some kind of weapon. Boys-”

“We could go back to the safe.” Nick suggested.

“Better not.” Lilac said. “If Olaf comes back and catches us with that book… we better wait until it’s safe. Everyone into the room, we’ll figure something out.”

“Li-”

“We’ll figure it out.” Lilac insisted. “There’s always something.”

They spent several hours in their room, quietly taking apart the train set and rattles and setting out the parts. Violet and Lilac tied back their hair, and Klaus and Nick tried to think of something they’d read that could be useful, and Solitude was assigned the very important task of making sure Sunny didn’t eat any of their supplies, so instead the youngest Baudelaires sat in the corner, and Solitude showed Sunny how to play with Babbitt, babbling instructions on how to catch bugs to feed them with.

But they all snapped to attention when they heard the sound of glass shattering.

Lilac leapt to her feet instantly, and Klaus’s hands flew to his ears. They only paused a second, before Violet said, “That came from the Library!” Lilac ran and grabbed Solitude, who grabbed Babbitt, and Klaus grabbed Sunny, and the six children ran into the hall.

“Aunt Josephine!” Lilac called.

“Aunt Jo!” Nick shouted.

“Aunt Josephine!” Violet yelled.

As soon as they entered the Library, they found that the wide window had shattered.

“Oh no.” Lilac muttered.

They stepped closer, looking at the few shards of glass that still stuck to the window frame, leaving a large hole, cold air blasting through. Solitude shivered and gripped onto Lilac’s dress, and Sunny started to softly cry. Violet and Nick walked over to the window, peering out to the black night outside, seeing only the lake stretched out before them.

Nick turned, and spotted a piece of paper taped to the bookshelf that hid the safe. “There’s something over there.” he said quietly, and his siblings followed his gaze.  Klaus walked over and reached it first, holding it with his free hand, as Sunny peered over his shoulder and his siblings moved over towards him.

Baudelaire Children,

By the time you read this note, my life will be at it’s end. My heart is as cold as ike and I found life inbearable. I know your children may not understand the sad life of a dowadger, or what would have leaded me to this desperate akt, but please know that I am much happier this way. As my last will and testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honorable men. Please think of me kindly even though I’d done this terrible thing.

Your Aunt Josephine.

“Oh no.” Violet whispered. “Oh no, oh fuck, oh…”

“We’re too late.” Lilac said, almost in disbelief. “We’re too late. We failed, we…”

Solitude let out a small cry, and the siblings huddled together and tried very hard not to burst into tears.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY

in which Lilac gives her siblings allergic reactions

“Yes. Yes. No. Yes.” Violet said into the phone. She glanced over at Lilac, who was curled up against the wall, her head buried in her knees, and then over at Nick and Klaus, who were sitting at the table and watching her. Solitude and Sunny laid on top of the counter, staring sadly down at two limes they’d found for them. “Yes. I understand. Yes. Thank you. Yes, I’ll tell them. Yes.”

She hung up the phone, and then said, “Mr Poe says we can always rely on Mulctuary Money Management, and he’ll be here in an hour.”

“Fuck that.” Nick said.

Violet groaned and sat down, pushing her hair back. “We’re in so much shit. Aunt Josephine is dead, Mr Poe’s going to hand us over to Count Olaf-”

“God, we shouldn’t have read him the note.” Nick sighed. “We could’ve torn it up, and then at least Count Olaf wouldn’t have us.”

“There’s something about this note.” Klaus said, flipping it over in his hands. “It’s funny.”

“There’s nothing funny about a woman committing suicide.” Violet said.

“No, no, wrong ‘funny.’” Klaus said. “It’s… weird. There’s too many grammatical errors.”

Lilac finally looked up, shooting Klaus a sharp glare. “Why are you grammar-checking a suicide note?”

“Aunt Josephine would’ve.” Klaus said. “She said her greatest joy in life was grammar!”

“She was about to die, she probably didn’t care anymore.” Violet said.

“Maybe.” Klaus said. “Or… or maybe this note isn’t hers.”

Nick stared at him. “Do you think Olaf forged it?”

“He doesn’t give a shit about grammar, does he?” Klaus asked. “He wouldn’t care if his note was correct or not.”

“If we can prove to Mr Poe that it’s fake,” Violet said, “Then we won’t have to go to Olaf!”

“Everything’ll be okay!” Nick said.

“No!” They all jumped as Lilac jumped to her feet, sounding furious. “No, everything will not be okay!”

“Lilac?” Violet looked confused.

“Aunt Josephine is dead.” Lilac said. “She’s dead and none of you even care!”

“Lilac, of course we care!” Violet said. “But if Count Olaf-”

“I don’t give a shit about Count Olaf!” Lilac shouted. “Our guardian is dead, again! We couldn’t save her!”

“Li-”

“We couldn’t…” Lilac hugged herself, shutting her eyes. “We couldn’t…”

Klaus ran over, trying to hug her, but she yanked herself away, saying, “I’ll be in our room. You guys do whatever you want.”

“Lilac!” Violet called, but she just ran off, and she didn’t come out until Mr Poe arrived.

“You believe this is forged?” Poe asked, coughing into his handkerchief.

Lilac stood in the corner, still hugging herself and refusing to make eye contact with any of her siblings. Sunny and Soli were trying to distract themselves with Sunny’s pack of cards, as they built a tower on the counter.

“Yes.” Nick said. “Aunt Josephine was obsessed with grammar. She’d never make these many spelling mistakes.”  

“Perhaps she was stressed.” Poe said. “After all, she was about to jump from a window.”

“She was pushed! This isn’t her note!” Violet insisted.

“Now, children,” Poe said, “Why would this Captain Sham person murder your Aunt and forge a note?”

“Because he’s really Count Olaf in disguise!” Nick said.

“Children, I understand the three of you have had terrible experiences, but I hope you’re not letting your imagination get the best of you. Remember when you lived with your Uncle Monty, and you were convinced his assistant, Stephano, was really Count Olaf?”

“But he was.” Violet said.

“Now, there’s no need to get upset.” Poe said. “There’s an easy way to solve this. We simply must compare her note to her actual writing and look for similarities or differences.”

“That’s… actually a decent idea.” Klaus said.

“Aunt Josephine left a shopping list on the counter.” Violet said. “Sunny, Soli, can you-”

Solitude leaned towards the fridge, barely managing to grab the fluttering note, and she crumpled it in her tiny fist before throwing it at Violet’s face. Violet caught it, glared at her, and then unfolded the list, placing it next to the note. Poe turned on a bright light, and they all surrounded the papers- except Lilac, who just stared at the floor.

“Now, see, children,” Poe said. “The handwriting does match. You see, the tip of the V in ‘vinegar’ and ‘Violet’ are curved the same, and the C in ‘cucumber’ and ‘Captain Sham’ have the same squiggle.”

“But-” Violet said.

“And look,” Poe added, “You can see that her ‘i’s are dotted with ovals instead of circles. There’s no doubt that she wrote both pieces of paper.”

Klaus took a deep breath. “Okay, maybe she did write it. But I still think Captain Sham is behind this.”

“But you see,” Poe said, “Your Aunt Josephine wrote this note, which makes it a legal document.”

“What?” Nick said.

“This is her last will and testament, meaning we have to respect her wishes and take you to Captain Sham.” Poe said.

“No!” Klaus said.

“We won’t go live with him!” Nick shouted.

“We’ll run away!” Violet said.

“Grof!” Solitude shouted. “I’ll throw a frog in his face again!”

“Now, children, I won’t have you make trouble for this guardian.” Poe said. “Is that his business card? I’ll give him a call.”

“Yes.” Klaus said miserably, and Poe took the card and went to find the phone in the hall.

As soon as he was gone, Klaus said, “This is bullshit. It can’t be a last will and testament without witnesses, and there were no witnesses.”

“Do you really think Poe cares?” Nick snapped. “This is just an easy guardian to pick for us, so he doesn’t have to waste time on finding someone willing to take us.”

“That can’t be the reason.” Klaus said.

“It is, Klaus, live with it.” Nick said. “He doesn’t give a shit about us, he’s not going to listen to us, Count Olaf is going to be our guardian again, and we’re all going to- are you even listening to me?”

Klaus had turned back to Josephine’s note, eyes narrowing. “I- I think I might have an idea.” he said.

“What?” Violet asked.

“About the note. But we need to-”

Poe walked back in and said, “Good news, Baudelaires! I just got off the phone with Captain Sham, and he was shocked to hear about Josephine’s death, but very excited at the prospect of raising you children! We’re going to meet him for brunch at the Anxious Clown, and after brunch, we will discuss your adoption. Come along, children- someone get the twins.”

“Solitude and Sunny aren’t twins.” Nick rolled his eyes. “Klaus and I are.”

“Yes, of course. Let’s hurry up, we should be able to finalize the adoption before nightfall.”

“But-” Nick began.

“No ‘but’s. Let’s hurry up.” Poe said.

He turned to go, and Klaus immediately ran to Violet and Lilac, who’d moved to pick up their younger siblings. “Li, Vi!” he said. “We have to have more time! I need to look at the note again, I think I can prove there’s something wrong with it!”

“We don’t have more time!” Violet said.

“I think Josephine left us a message!” Klaus said. “We have to-”

“Baudelaires! Come along!”

Klaus looked at his sisters. “Please. Can’t you think of something?”

“Klaus, I-” Violet began.

Then, in a slightly broken voice, Lilac said, “I have an idea.”

They turned towards her, as she slowly pulled her ribbon off of her dress, tying up her hair. “It might take a while,” she said, “But if Josephine left us a message… do you all trust me?”

“Of course.” Nick said, and Violet and Klaus nodded.

“Then…” Lilac glanced towards the doorway, where Poe was likely waiting. “Trust me.”

She didn’t say anything more, but she didn’t need to.

“Hello, I’m Larry, your waiter.”

The Baudelaires, crowded against a table in this goofy clown-themed restaurant, looked up at the waiter dressed as a clown. He seemed very nervous, as he continued, “Welcome to the Anxious Clown restaurant- where everybody has a good time, whether they like it or not. I can see we have a whole family lunching together today, so allow me to recommend the Extra Fun Special Family Appetizer. It’s a bunch of things fried up together and served with a sauce.”

“What a wonderful idea!” Captain Sham said, smiling in a very cold way. “An Extra Fun Special Family Appetizer for an extra fun special family!”

“I’ll just have water, please.” Violet said.

“Same for me, thank you.” Klaus said. “And some ice cubes for our baby sisters.”

“Dead fly.” Solitude said, but thankfully none of the adults heard her and asked why she’d want something like that, nor why her dress pocket was squirming.

“A coffee, if that’s alright.” Lilac said.

“Same for me, with nondairy creamer.” Poe said.

“Oh, no, Mr Poe,” Captain Sham said, “Let’s share a nice big bottle of red wine.”

“No, thank you, Captain Sham.” Poe said. “I don’t like to drink during banking hours.”

“I’ll split it with you!” Nick said, and Lilac elbowed him so hard he shouted, “Ow! The hell, Li?”

“Ignore him, Nicholas isn’t old enough to drink.” Poe said.

“It’s Nick.” Nick corrected again.

“Oh, of course I know that, I know how to care for children.” Sham said. “I’ll be caring for them from now on, and I am very excited about it!”

“Now, Captain Sham,” Poe said, “It is heartening to see that you are glad to raise the Baudelaires, but you must understand that the children are rather upset about their Aunt Josephine.”  

“Ah, yes,” Sham  said, immediately dropping his voice to a mournful tone, “Josephine was one of my oldest and dearest friends.”

“You met her yesterday.” Klaus said.

“Yes, it does feel like yesterday.” Sham said. “We were oven partners in cooking school.”

“Bull.” Sunny said.

“Aunt Josephine was not your oven partner,” Violet said, “She was terrified that the stove would burst into flame.”

“Now, Violet,” Poe said, “Stoves very rarely burst into flame.”

“You clearly haven’t been around Klaus long enough.” Nick said.

“Anyway,” Sham said, shooting the children a glare, “Josephine’s death was a great loss.”

The waiter startled them by saying, “Josephine is dead?” The children jumped, having forgotten he was there.

“Yes.” Sham said with a dark smile. “Jumped into the lake.”

The waiter stared a moment, and then said, “I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion. In that case-”

Lilac jumped, something unknown clicking in her mind. “I’m sorry, can you repeat-”

“-the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers! The pickles, mustard and ketchup make a little smiley face on top of the burger, which is guaranteed to get you smiling, too.”

“That sounds like a good idea!” Captain Sham said. “Bring us all Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers, Larry!”

As the waiter left, Violet tried to shoot Lilac a look, to try and prompt her to put her plan into action, but Lilac was still staring after the waiter, as if trying to remember something.

“After we’ve finished, Captain Sham,” Poe said, “There are several important papers you will have to sign. I have them in my briefcase, and after lunch we’ll look them over.”

“And then the children will be mine?”

“Well, you will be caring for them, yes. Of course, the Baudelaire fortune will still be under my supervision until Lilac comes of age.”

“What fortune?” Captain Sham asked. “I don’t know anything about a fortune.”

“Duna!” Sunny shouted. “Of course you do!”

“The Baudelaire parents left their children a fortune to be used when Lilac comes of age.” Poe said.

“I have no interest in any fortunes.” Sham said. “I have my sailboats, and that’s all I need.”

“Lilac.” Violet poked her sister’s arm, whispering quietly. “Lilac, are you-?”

“Yes, shut up.” Lilac said. “We need the food.”

“Why-”

“Shut up and trust me.”

“What are you children whispering about?” Sham asked.

Lilac snapped to attention. “I’m sorry,” she said, throwing an arm around her sister and pulling her into a half-hug, ignoring Violet’s cry of protest. “I’m comforting my sister. She’s distraught. She loved Aunt Josephine.”

Violet gave her a look of murder. “Absolutely.” she hissed.

“Here are your cheeseburgers!” Larry said, returning with two trays, several burgers stacked on top. He started passing them out, and Poe started talking about some banking story or another. As soon as Captain Sham turned towards him, trying to pay attention, Lilac finally tightened her ribbon, and reached into her coat pocket.

Still in her pockets, from over a week ago, were the peppermints that Poe had given to them. Lilac carefully pulled the bag open, trying to be as quiet as possible, and she slowly pulled out six mints. She realized quickly that they were each wrapped in a bit of cellophane, and she did not trust Nick and Sunny to be able to unwrap them quietly, so she did it herself, slowly twisting each bit of paper until she had all the mints free. Then she turned towards Violet, noticing that Nick and Soli were on her other side, and she slowly put three mints on her sister’s lap. Violet glanced down for a moment, realized immediately what they were to do, and passed two mints to Nick, who passed one to Soli, as Lilac passed two to Klaus, who passed one on to Sunny.

And while none of the adults were looking, the children each ate a peppermint.

The Baudelaire peppermint allergies were famous for being quick-acting, so within only a few minutes, Poe looked up and said, “My goodness, you children look terrible!”

“We feel terrible.” Violet said. “Look, Nick and I have broken out in hives.”

“I hate this.” Nick said under his breath, scratching his skin. “I hate this.”

“Bluh.” Lilac tried to say, only to find that her tongue had already swollen up. “Bluh, bluh-”  

“Lilac, I can’t understand you.” Poe said.

“Bluh bluh bluh.” Klaus tried to say.

“Bluh.” said Solitude, scratching her own hives, upset to realize that she had both those and a swollen tongue. As did Sunny, who started to wail.

“We must be allergic to something in the burgers.” Violet said.

“Just take deep breaths.” Captain Sham said, not even looking up from his food.

“We feel terrible.” Violet said. “I think we should go home and lie down.”

“Nonsense.” Sham said. “You shouldn’t leave in the middle of lunch.”

“Bluh!” Klaus said.

“The children seem quite ill.” Poe said. “I’ll pay the bill and we’ll take them home.”

“No!” Nick said. “We’ll get a taxi! You two stay here and do paperwork. Who doesn’t want to do paperwork?”

“I wouldn’t dream of leaving you all alone.” Sham said darkly.

“Well, there is quite a lot of paperwork to go over.” Poe conceded. “We wouldn’t be leaving them alone for long.”

“Our allergies are fairly mild.” Violet said. “We’ll just lie down for an hour or two while you have lunch, and Captain Sham can come retrieve us once he’s signed the papers.”

“I’ll do that.” Sham promised. “I’ll do that very, very soon.”

“Come on, everyone.” Violet said, watching Nick lift Solitude and Klaus lift Sunny. She grabbed Lilac’s arm, tugging her up and dragging her towards the door.

“Leaving so soon?” Larry asked, coming out of the kitchen.

“Afraid so.” Violet said apologetically. “Wonderful burgers.”

“I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion.” the waiter said.

Lilac stared after him, but all she could say was, “Bluh?” before Violet dragged her, and their other siblings, out the doors.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

in which the House Falls

“Lilac, Klaus, for fuck’s sake, we can’t understand you.” Nick said.

“Bluh-bluh.” Lilac reprimanded.

They’d taken a taxi back to Josephine’s house just as a storm began, and as they entered, Violet said, “Klaus, hand me Sunny, we’ll taking a baking soda bath to cure our hives. You and Lilac get started on whatever you’re doing with the note.”

“Bluh.” Klaus nodded.

He and Lilac split off, and Violet said, “Okay, Nick, I know you’ve never done this before-”

“I hate this.”

“You’ve mentioned.”

“Tell Lilac that if she does this to us again, I’m gonna kill her.”

“Would you rather be in the restaurant with Olaf?”

“That’s not the point.”

Violet and Nick couldn’t find any baking soda in the house, but they still gave their little sisters a regular bath and doused themselves in water, and after changing clothes, they ran to the Library, where Lilac and Klaus sat around a table. Aunt Josephine’s note was pinned under a large book entitled Advanced Apostrophe Use, and Lilac had another grammar book open on her lap. Klaus had two open around him, as he pulled out a pen and took notes.

“How’re your tongues?” Violet asked, placing Sunny down onto a chair. Nick put Solitude next to her, and Soli quickly pulled Babbitt out of her pocket and started petting them a little.

“Getting better.” Lilac said, still lisping slightly. “Klauth thinks he hath something.”

“We’re bluhdying grammar.” Klaus said, still a bit more swollen than Lilac.

“Why are you studying grammar at a time like this?” Violet asked.

“Bluchcause Josephine left us a message in bluh note.” Klaus said.

“We’ve been counthing the grammathical mithtatkes.” Lilac said.

She flinched slightly, as raindrops blew in through the broken window, sprinkling the books and table. Klaus hastily wiped his glasses, and he said, “The first sentence has bluh wrong ‘its’, we’ve bluhstablished this.”

“Yeah.” Nick said.

“I think that was bluh get our bluhtention.” Klaus said. He took a pen, circling the apostrophe. “She’d never make a bluhstake without reason.”

“I guess.” Violet said.

“Looth at the seconth senthance.” Lilac said. “My hearth is as cold as Ike.”

“But Aunt Josephine said she hoped Ike was someplace warm and sunny.” Violet said, remembering.

“It’s possible she meant ‘cold as ice.’” Klaus circled the k in Ike. “And she says she found her life inbearable, not unbearable.” He circled the i.

“If you keep going down the litht,” Lilac continued, as Klaus kept circling, “You get theveral errors. How many did we counth, Klauth?”

“Eleven misplaced letters.” Klaus said. “Ten if we don’t count bluh apostrophe.”

“So what do all these mistakes mean?” Violet said.

“It’s substitution, isn’t it?” Nick said, figuring it out. “The k is supposed to be a c, so c is the first letter.”

Klaus nodded, writing a C at the bottom of the page. He wrote out the other letters, spelling out two words.

Curdled Cave.

“Veek?” Sunny called. “What?”

“Curdled Cave.” Klaus repeated. “Aunt Josephine knew she was making grammatical errors, and she knew we’d spot them. She was leaving us a message, telling us where she was.”

“Curthleth Cathe ith part of Lathe Lathrymose.” Lilac said. “But we need to find Aunt Josephine’s Athlas of the Lathe.”

“Should be in the safe.” Violet said.

Nick and Klaus ran over first, unlocking and flinging open the safe, digging through the books until they found an Atlas of Lake Lachrymose. Klaus flipped to the index until he found what page it was on, and then Nick said, “It’s directly across from Damocles Dock, west of the Lavender Lighthouse.”

“The Fickle Ferry will take us.” Klaus said, tracing a dotted line. “Goes right to the Lavender Lighthouse, we can walk bluh there.”

“Walk in the rain?” Nick said.

“We don’t have any choice.” Violet said. “If Josephine is still alive, Captain Sham can’t get us.”

“She can tell Mr Poe that he’s really Count Olaf, he might believe her.” Lilac said, her lisp finally slipping away.

“We need to go-” Violet began.

Solitude suddenly let out a screech, and pointed out the window, before using her free hand to grab Sunny’s arm, Babbitt leaping into her pocket. Her siblings turned to realize what she was showing them; the house had started to sway in the wind.

“We have to get out of here.” Lilac said.

“But-” Nick began.

“Now!” Lilac shouted, and as she did, the house swayed underneath their feet, and they all fell.

Lilac screamed, managing to reach out and grab Klaus as he toppled, almost falling out the window. Nick crashed into the table, letting out a cry of pain as he was pummelled by Josephine’s books, falling out of the shelves and safe as the house shook. He managed to grip onto one- The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations- as it hit him, and Violet only barely managed to shift herself across the floor to hit the wall instead of the open window. She let out a shout of pain as she hit her injured shoulder, only resting a second before putting her hands on the floor, trying to hoist herself up.

Just as she did, they heard another crash of thunder, and Violet leapt forwards, gripping onto a map attached to the wall just as the room swayed in the wind, the floor turning into a slope. Lilac grabbed tight onto Klaus and managed to reach a bookshelf, grabbing onto it and flinching as more books fell and flew out the window, a few hitting her and Klaus as they passed. Soli and Sunny were gripping for dear life onto the chair, which was starting to drop towards the window. The table Nick sat behind started to fall, too, so he ran, trying to get away from the storm outside, ignoring the wind blowing at him. He almost managed to get to the door before another book hit him, and he fell to the ground, letting out a gasp as he landed hard on his arm, starting to slide towards the window.

The house stopped rocking a moment, setting itself back upright, and Lilac and Klaus scrambled to their feet, running to their youngest sisters. Lilac grabbed tightly onto Solitude, and Klaus grabbed Sunny, and they ran for the door, trying to get out of the shaking library. Lilac turned slightly, as if to get her the siblings, but as Solitude screamed in her arms, she knew she couldn’t endanger the toddler further.

“Come on, let’s go!” Lilac shouted. “Violet, Nick, move!”

“We’re coming, God!” Nick shouted, trying to get to his feet. Violet was stumbling towards him to help him up, but just as Lilac and Klaus reached the relative safety of the hallway, thunder boomed, the house shook again, and Violet and Nick fell.

Lilac let out a horrified scream as her siblings slid towards the window. Violet grabbed onto Nick’s arm, using her free hand to grip the edge of a carpet that was starting to flip in the wind. And just as the room dropped, turning almost completely sideways and only barely holding on to the cliff, one end of the carpet managed to stick to the floor, and so Violet and Nick dangled precariously outside of the broken window, only barely holding on.

“Nick, do not fucking let go!” Violet shouted.

“Was not planning to!” Nick screamed. He let out a gasp as the book slipped from his hand, and he reached to grab for it; his hands grabbed some of the pages, and the book ripped, the spine splitting apart and papers scattering in the wind. One paper- a small photo- fluttered up, and Nick managed to grab onto it just as the wind blew the room back. Violet used every ounce of her strength to hold onto her brother’s hand, and she managed to swing him slightly enough that the two of them fell onto the floor.

“Violet! Nick!” Klaus shouted, looking ready to pass out.

Violet grabbed Nick’s arm, yanking him to his feet and dragging him towards the hall. He stuffed the photo into his pocket just as Violet pushed him in front of her, and he stumbled and toppled right into Lilac and Klaus. Violet fell, too, and all six siblings were on the cold, hard floor for a moment, breathing shakily and trying to process what was happening.

Klaus got up first, still gripping tight onto Sunny, and Nick pulled Violet up as Lilac made sure Solitude was alright, and Solitude made sure that Babbitt was still alive and in her pocket. Then Klaus pushed his siblings, and they started running; Lilac moved herself to the back of the group, so she could keep an eye on all of her siblings as they rushed away, racing for the door, for the safety of the cliff that was not held up by stilts that were about to crack and crumble and break.

Violet pushed Klaus out of the door first, and then Nick, and then the oldest sisters made their way out, and they stopped just outside the house, shutting their eyes and catching their breath. Then they turned and watched as Aunt Josephine’s house, behind them, fell and crashed into the lake below.

They stared for a very long time, and then Lilac let out a choked sob and threw her arms around her siblings, pulling them close and shouting, “Holy shit!”

“Li! Let go, we’re fine!” Violet shouted, though she didn’t pull away.

“Is anybody hurt?” Lilac asked.

Nick pushed himself out of the group hug, saying, “I’m fine! Vi, are you okay? You hit your shoulder.”

“I’m fine! Li, let go!”

“I’m okay.” Klaus said. “Sunny?”

“Raef.” Sunny shuddered. “Scared, but alright.”

“Soli?” Nick asked. “Soli, hey, you alright?”

“Ye.” Solitude nodded. “Babbitt?” They heard a small chirp from her pocket. “Yay!”

“Lilac?” Klaus asked. “How’re you?”

“You all could have died!” Lilac said.

“But we didn’t!” Violet finally managed to get away from her sister. “We’re all okay!”

“All our shit’s gone, though.” Klaus said. “Not that we’re not used to that.”

“The clothes we got from Poe sucked anyway.” Nick said, as Solitude reached her arms out towards him, and he took her from Lilac, holding her close.

“I still have the spyglass.” Klaus said, looking relieved as he checked his pocket. “Vi, Li, you have your ribbons?”

“I lost the atlas.” Lilac said.

“That’s alright, I remember the way.” Nick said. He paused, and then said, “I… I found something. In that book.”

He reached into his pocket, pulling out the photo and shifting his back so that he was shielding it slightly from the wind and droplets of water. His siblings crowded around him, with Lilac lifting her arm to provide further protection from the weather.

In the photo, a group of either late teenagers or young adults were crowded in front of a building, looking like they were having fun together. They could see what seemed to be a young Aunt Josephine holding hands with a man, pointing towards the sign of a lumbermill and laughing at some joke. But that wasn’t what drew their interest.

What drew their interest was their parents, sitting on the ground and smiling at the camera.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

in which Violet steals a Sailboat

“The fucking Ferry is closed!” Nick shouted.

“Language!” Lilac shouted.

“It doesn’t matter!”

The six siblings, sopping wet and shivering, had managed to make their way to town, only to find that the Fickle Ferry did not operate during Hurricane Weather.

“We could wait until it opens.” Klaus said quietly, huddling against Nick for warmth and pressing Sunny to his sweater.

“It won’t open until the storm is past,” Nick said, “And by then Count Olaf will have found us. We have to get to Aunt Josephine.”

“We can’t just swim across the lake.” Lilac said.

“We couldn’t walk, either.” Nick said. “Too far, even if we weren’t freezing.”

“Cold.” Solitude shivered, leaning against Nick.

“I know, I know, sweetie.” Nick said. “It’s okay, we’re gonna figure something ou- where the fuck did Violet go?”

They all looked around, realizing their sister had slipped away.

“Goddamnit!” Lilac shouted, stomping her foot. “She can’t stay still for five seconds?”

“Oh no.” Klaus muttered. “Oh no, oh no, oh no… she’s gone missing, we’ve lost her, what if Olaf has her?”

“If- if Olaf captured Violet, we’d notice.” Nick said, though he looked very nervous. “We were right here, a-and he’d capture all of us, right?”

“She’s gotta be fine.” Lilac said. “She probably just wandered off- okay, everyone stay with me. Where would she go?”

“Hey.” they all jumped and spun around, to see Violet standing behind them, holding several raincoats in her hands.

“Where the fuck were you?” Nick asked.

“Don’t do that!” Lilac shouted.

“What happened?” Klaus looked terrified.

Violet, not even bothering to react to their shock, simply said, “I stole us these. Found a sailboat we can steal. Come on.”

“What?” Lilac shouted.

“That is… a lot to process.” Klaus said.

“Take a coat,” Violet said, “Or we’re all gonna die of hypothermia or some shit before we even get to the cave. All the sailboats are being sold by that henchperson with hooks, but he’s asleep right now so we can just take one, bring it back if we don’t die.”

“Violet!” Lilac shouted.

“Lilac!” Violet imitated. “Come on, are we getting Aunt Josephine or not?” She turned to Nick. “Read any books on sailing?”

“Fifteen.” Nick said. “And two on meteorology.”

“I’ve read three, and seven on meteorology.” Klaus said.

“Then we’re good.” Violet said. “Get a move on, we haven’t got all night.”

“Irma?” Sunny shrieked, meaning, “Did you miss the fact there’s a hurricane?”

“Did you miss the fact we need to get to Aunt Josephine before Count Olaf finds us?” Violet said. “Take a raincoat, and let’s find the biggest boat. We’ll need to fit all of us in it.”

“I’m gonna kill you.” Lilac hissed.

“Maybe after we get Josephine.” Violet shrugged. “Let’s get a boat.”

They found the biggest sailboat they could, and Nick and Klaus found a small nook to hide Solitude and Sunny, where they’d be unlikely to fall overboard. Solitude pulled out Babbitt, who curled up on her shoulder and chirped comfortingly as the two girls hid and held each other’s hands. Nick and Lilac positioned themselves towards the front of the boat, and Violet and Klaus towards the back, and Klaus and Nick shouted instructions as they ran around, trying to keep themselves from falling over in the storm.

While they sailed, they managed to find five life vests- not enough for all of them, even if they would’ve fit the toddlers. There were some oars stored under the seats, as well as a bucket in case of leaks, and a lever in the back.

“I found a fishing pole!” Violet called as the boat sailed farther away from shore.

“Violet, get the tiller!” Klaus said to her. “The lever in the back-”

“I know what a tiller is!”

“Lilac, can you help me with the sail?” Nick asked.

“We’re gonna die.” Lilac sighed, grabbing onto a rope.

A wave splashed the side of the boat, soaking Sunny and Soli, as well as Klaus’s left leg. Solitude giggled as Babbitt chirped, as Sunny curled closer to her and tried to ignore the lightning. Lilac and Nick worked the ropes, struggling to keep the boat upright in the turbulent wind, while Violet worked the tiller and Klaus kept his eyes on their direction, hoping they’d reach the cave before they got lost in the lake.

The children sailed for a very long time, and after a while, Lilac’s nerves calmed, and Violet got the hang of the tiller, and Nick and Klaus stopped falling over and getting hit by waves. The thunder clapped and the storm raged on, but as the siblings carried on, they found themselves getting more used to sailing, and thus it seemed to be getting easier. Even Solitude and Sunny found themselves being more lulled by the boat’s rocking than frightened of it.

“You know,” Lilac called over the roaring waves, “This is sort of fun.”

“Li!” Violet cheered. “It’s like when we played Female Finnish Pirates, except we have an actual boat and not just a box in the living room!”

“And we are in danger of death at any second!” Nick shouted. “So it’s better!”

“Nick!” Lilac shouted, but she laughed.

And after a while, the storm wore itself out, and the sea calmed, and Soli and Sunny crawled out to sit on top of the seats and look up at the shining stars, settling Babbitt on Solitude’s shoulder, where they slept as the siblings sailed on.

Just as the sky grew as dark as it would that night, and Sunny started to yawn and Violet herself started to wonder if they’d ever reach somewhere, they saw a blinking purple light on the horizon.

“The Lavender Lighthouse!” Nick shouted.

“That’s gorgeous.” Lilac said.

“Meh.” Violet shrugged, though she did look relieved.

As the boat pushed closer to the lighthouse, they glanced up at the sky, to see the clouds had parted, and a bright full moon shined onto the lake. Soli leaned over the edge of the boat to look at the water, and Klaus lifted Sunny so she could get a better view.

“Lake Lachrymose is actually very pretty.” Klaus said quietly. “I never noticed it before.”

“I guess we never noticed,” Lilac said, “Because we got used to looking at it through Aunt Josephine’s eyes.”

They nodded, and Nick leaned over the edge of the boat and said, “I see a cave! Behind the lighthouse, that must be it!”

“Everyone sit down!” Violet called. “We’re going to Curdled Cave!”

They approached the mouth of the cave, and Lilac and Nick jumped from the boat once they were in shallow enough water, dragging it towards the shore. Violet picked up Solitude, who placed Babbitt carefully in her pocket, and the six siblings stepped out of the boat, staring into the dark cave.

“What’s that sound?” Nick asked.

“It’s just the wind inside the cave.” Klaus said. “Cave winds make weird noises.”

“It’s a bit freaky.” Lilac admitted.

“Come on,” Nick said, elbowing her, “I can make weirder noises.”  

“It’s not a competition, Nick.” Violet said.

“Let’s make it one. Screaming competition, go!” Nick said.

“Maybe after we find Aunt Josephine.” Lilac said.

“Look at that.” Violet said, walking towards a rock and watching as Solitude leaned over and poked at a wooden sign. “Curdled Cave is for sale.”

“Who’d want to purchase such a phantasmagorical place?” Klaus asked.

“It doesn’t matter.” Lilac said. “Come on, guys.”

They carefully grabbed each others’ hands and walked into the cave, squinting in order to see in the dim light. Curdled Cave was very small, very dark and very damp, and as they peered around some large rock formations, they were startled to see that Aunt Josephine was curled in the corner, wailing into her lap.

“Aunt Josephine!” Lilac called.

“Aunt Josephine!” Violet and Klaus shouted.

“Baudelaires!” Aunt Josephine looked up, hastily scrambling to her feet as the children ran to her. “Baudelaires, you deciphered the note! I knew you would!”

They finally reached her, and Violet quickly said, “It was mostly Klaus and Lilac.”

“But Nick and Violet worked the sailboat.” Klaus added.

“Well, I’m glad to hear it!” Josephine said. “And I’m glad you all made it safely! I’ll help you unload your luggage, I do hope you brought food, I’m running low.”

The Baudelaires stared at her in confusion. “Luggage?” Nick asked.

“Food?” Sunny asked.

“Yes, food.” Josephine said expectantly.

They stared at her, and then Lilac said, “We didn’t bring food.”

“Well, how do you expect to live with me here without food?”

“Live here with you?” Nick asked.

“We didn’t come here to live with you.” Klaus said.

“Then why are you here?” Josephine asked.

“Stim!” Solitude shouted. “Because we were worried about you!”

“‘Stim’ is not a grammatically correct sentence-”

“Because Count Olaf almost caught us!” Violet shouted, anger in her voice. “He could’ve taken us away, because everyone thinks you’re dead!”

“Yes,” Josephine said, sounding very frightened, “Captain Sham revealed to me over dinner that he was Count Olaf, and forced me to write that note, saying he’d drown me in the lake if I did not. But I tricked him- I wrote in that code, and I threw my statue out the window so he’d think I jumped, before climbing down the cliff and finding my emergency boat.”

“You didn’t call the police?” Nick asked.

“Of course not. I can’t use the phone.”

“Why didn’t you take us with you?” Lilac asked, her voice breaking slightly. “You left us all alone, by ourselves.”

“Lilac,” Josephine said, “It is not grammatically correct to say ‘all alone by ourselves.’” Nick let out a groan as she continued, “Now, you could have said, ‘You left us all alone’ or ‘You left us by ourselves,’ and that would have been correct. Do you understand?”

Lilac stiffened, and Klaus said, “We understand plenty.” They understood that their guardian cared more about grammar and her own safety than the safety of the children she was to care for.

“Come on, Aunt Josephine.” Nick said. “We’ll sail back to town, and tell the police about Count Olaf.”

“No!” Jospehine said. “No way! I’m staying right here!”

“They won’t believe us unless they see you’re alive!” Klaus shouted.

“I am not going back there, I’m too afraid!”

“We’re all afraid!” Violet snapped, her fury finally boiling over. “We’re all fucking terrified, Aunt Josephine! We were afraid when you brought home Count Olaf, we were afraid when we thought you had jumped out the window! We were afraid to give ourselves allergic reactions, and we were afraid to steal a sailboat and make our way across this lake in the middle of a hurricane. We were afraid, but that didn’t stop us!”

Aunt Josephine shook her head. “I can’t help it if you’re braver than I! I’m not sailing across that lake, I’m not making any phone calls, and I’m going to stay right here for the rest of my life, and nothing you can say will change my mind.”

Violet took in a frustrated breath, and Solitude let out a tiny sigh. Nick put his head in his hands, and Lilac held a very angry Sunny a bit tighter and stared at the ground.

But quietly, Klaus stepped forwards and said, “Aunt Josephine? Curdled Cave is for sale.”

“So what?” Josephine asked.

“That means,” Klaus said, moving closer as his siblings realized what kind of card he was playing and started to smile a little, “That before long… certain people will come to look at it. And some of those people…” he paused, before almost whispering, “Will be realtors.”

Aunt Josephine’s mouth hung open, and she looked hurriedly around the cave, as if a realtor was already hiding and waiting to pounce. “Okay.” she finally said. “I’ll go.”

“Thank fuck.” Nick muttered under his breath, and Klaus grinned.

“Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no…”

“Lilac,” Nick whispered, “Can you get her to shut up?”

Violet was sitting in the back of the boat, teaching Sunny and Soli how to use the tiller. Klaus sat by her, trying to keep his eyes on the horizon, to figure out which direction would take them to town. Meanwhile, Aunt Josephine sat in the middle of the boat, looking more terrified every second.

Lilac glared at Nick. “Be polite.” she whispered.

“Not gonna happen.”

“Nick.”

Nick sighed, and then scooted towards Aunt Josephine, who was wearing two life vests at the same time. He sat across from her and, slowly, pulled a photo out of his pocket. It was thankfully not too damaged by the water, and as he passed it to her, he said, “Can you tell us about this?”

Aunt Josephine looked down at the photo, and they were surprised to see her face soften. “Ah, Lucky Smells Lumbermill. In Paltryville!” she sighed. “It’s not far from here, maybe a day’s drive. I remember the day this photo was taken. We were all so young. Look! There’s Ike. Isn’t he handsome? Oh, and Gregor! Of course that was before… well…”

“Who are all these people?” Klaus asked, moving closer to the photo.

Josephine bit her lip. “You could call us Volunteers.”

“Why were you at a Lumbermill?” Nick asked. “And with our parents?”

Josephine sighed again. “It’s a very long, very scary story, Baudelaires. Your parents… they were much braver than I ever was. Brave and Noble.”

“They never told us about you.” Klaus said quietly. “Or Uncle Monty.”

“We think there’s a lot of things they never told us about.” Violet sad.

Josephine bit her lip. “Your parents told me once that they wanted to raise you in a quiet world… a world far away from the fiery injustices that were threatening all of us. They wanted you to be safe.”

“It didn’t work.” Lilac said.

“No.” Josephine shook her head. “It didn’t. Your parents made a vastly frightening decision, Baudelaires, and it ended in fire. Why, I remember when I saw them last. Your Mother, she said… she… oh no.”

“What?” Nick said.

“Oh no.” Josephine looked positively terrified. “We’ve just entered the territory of the Lachrymose Leeches!”

The children glanced at the water, noticing that it was starting to swirl darkly. “Well,” Lilac said, “That’s nothing to worry about. None of us have eaten since this morning. That was way longer than an hour ago.”

“Thian!” Solitude shouted, turning to glare at Aunt Josephine. “Think again!”

They all turned to Aunt Josephine, who was shaking uncontrollably. “Banana.” she said. “Right before we left.”

“Aunt Josephine!” Lilac shouted.

“You couldn’t have mentioned that?” Nick asked.

“Lee!” Sunny called, pointing to the water. “Leeches! Ten o’clock!”

“Son of a fuck!” Nick shouted, leaning over the edge of the boat.

“Nick!” Josephine shrieked. “That is definitely not grammatically correct!”

In the churning blackness of the lake, the children could see skinny, rising shapes, only slightly visible in the cold moonlight. They weren’t any bigger than fingers, but they were moving very fast, and there was quite a lot of them. There was a quiet, whispering sound coming from them, and after a moment, they were on the boat, banging against it and letting out frustrated screeches.

“Look.” Lilac said. “We’re perfectly safe. They can’t get past the wood.”

“Sure.” Violet nodded, slowly picking up Sunny and passing her to Klaus so that she wouldn’t be close to the water. “Perfectly fine.” She lifted Solitude, almost shoving her at Nick, who hugged her a bit too tight, and Soli let out a cry of exasperation.

The tapping sounds on the edge of the boat started getting more frequent and more loud, and Nick said, “Li? I think they’re frustrated.”

Lilac glanced into the water, and then relaxed. “No, look! They’re leaving.” The leeches were wriggling away in the water, swarming together into a shape similar to a question mark. Then, after a moment, the leeches rushed back, hitting the boat with a loud thwack! and causing it to rock. The children and Josephine screamed, struggling to remain upright, and as soon as they did, Solitude pulled Babbitt out of her pocket and held them to her chest, so she was absolutely sure they wouldn’t fall out of the boat, and she didn’t even complain when Nick held her tighter.

“Yadec!” Sunny shouted, pointing to the side of the boat.

“Sunny’s right!” Violet shouted. “There’s a small crack in the boat!”

“We have to sail faster!” Klaus said. “Or this boat will break to pieces!”

“Oh, okay, Klaus!” Nick shouted back. “We’ll just control the wind, then!”

“Nick, this is no time for sarcasm!”

“I’m coping, Klaus!”

“I’m frightened!” Aunt Josephine cried. “Please don’t throw me overboard!”

“Nobody’s throwing you overboard!” Lilac shouted.

“Aunt Josephine, take an oar!” Violet called. “Lilac, you take the other one! If we use the oars, the sail and the tiller, we should move faster!”

The boat was hit again, and they let out shouts of surprise. One of the leeches was thrown over the side of the boat, twisting around on the floor. Solitude screamed, and Klaus had to grip tight onto Sunny to keep her from crawling out of his arms to get a closer look. Lilac grabbed an oar, hitting the leech like it was a baseball and sending it flying back into the water. She put her oar in the water, as if to row, only to let out a shocked scream as the leeches pummeled the oar, biting away with their sharp teeth.

“Well, oar’s busted!” Lilac shouted, tossing it into the water.

“We’re so fucked!” Nick said.

“We are not fucked!” Lilac said. “There’s always something! We’ll find something-”

“If we can’t go faster,” Violet said, whipping out her ribbon and tying back her hair, “We’ll have to signal for help. There’s gotta be some boats nearby, now that the storm’s done!”

“How do we signal?” Klaus asked.

Violet considered, shutting her eyes as Lilac also tied her hair up. “Yes! Close your eyes!” Josephine shouted. “That always helps me when I’m frightened! Close your eyes and pretend you’re somewhere else!”

“She’s concentrating, Aunt Josephine!” Klaus shouted. “And so’s Lilac! They’re going to save us!”

After a second, Violet leapt to her feet, reaching under the seats and pulling out a bucket. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Lilac asked, looking over at her as she ran for the mast.

“Absolutely.” Violet said, as she swung the bucket over her shoulder and started climbing the mast. “Get me a fire!”

As she continued to scale the mast, Lilac ran towards her Aunt, saying, “Josephine, I need your hairnet and your oar!”

“You can have the oar!” Josephine said, thrusting it into her hands, “But I need my hairnet, it keeps my hair out of my face!”

“I don’t have time to argue with you!” Lilac said, glancing up to see that Violet had reached the top of the mast, and was now hanging the handle onto the tip, creating a kind of bell. “I’m trying to save our lives!”

“Lilac-” Josephine began, but she stopped as soon as Nick ran forwards, yanking the hairnet out and throwing it at Lilac, before jumping aside as Violet grabbed onto the sail and leapt back down, ripping the fabric as she did.

Lilac took the hairnet, wrapping it around the fishing pole, saying, “Nick, Klaus, see if you can keep leeches from getting on the boat! Vi-”

“Already on it!” Violet shouted. She took the oar, rubbing it against the wood of the boat.

“Wha?” Sunny asked.

“Klaus, Nick, tell her about friction.” Violet said.

“When you rub two sticks of wood together,” Klaus shouted, jumping away from a crashing wave, “It creates friction, which creates sparks, which makes fire.”

“Once we have a fire,” Violet said, “We light the fishing pole on fire and wave it around-”

“Which creates a signal!” Lilac added. “Then we hit the bucket like a bell, making noise!”

“Vi!” Nick said. “The boat’s too wet for the oar to cause friction!”

“Then what do you suggest, oh wise one?” Violet snapped.

Nick and Klaus looked at each other, both reaching the same conclusion. Then, Klaus said, “I still have the spyglass! Use that!”

Sunny grabbed his spyglass from his pocket for him, and Violet took it, saying, “The scientific principles of the convergence and refraction of light?”

“The scientific principles of the convergence and refraction of light.” Klaus nodded.

“The scientific principles of the convergence and refraction of light!” Nick repeated.

“Ray!” Solitude added, and I will give you a wild guess of what that translated to.

Violet held up the half-spyglass, aiming one end at the fishing pole Lilac still held, and pointing the other end at the bright moon up ahead. After a moment, the moonlight passed through the lens, concentrating into a beam of light, creating a small flame.

“Thank fuck!” Nick shouted.

“Language!” Lilac said, running to the front of the boat and waving her makeshift torch. Violet grabbed the oar and banged onto the bucket, also shouting for help as she did.

“Save me!” Josephine cried. “Save me!”

“Mayday!” Sunny shouted.

They only had to signal for a few minutes, before they saw a boat approaching on the horizon. Nick and Soli cheered, and Lilac breathed a sigh of relief.

But everyone’s relief was zapped away the second they saw who was driving their rescue boat.

“Hello, hello, hello.” Captain Sham said. “Fancy meeting you all the way out here.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

in which the Baudelaires go Off-Book

Aunt Josephine let out a wail, and Lilac screamed, “What are you doing here?”

“Why, I was out for a sail when I saw your distress signal,” Olaf said, as his boat got closer, “And I’m here to save you from the Lachrymose Leeches. I must say, I thought you’d died when Josephine’s house fell off the cliff, but clearly you managed to escape. And as for you, Josephine, I thought you’d done the sensible thing and leapt off the cliff.”

“I was sensible.” Josephine whimpered. “The children came to get me.”

“Did they now?” Olaf sighed.

“Piss off! I’ll take the leeches over you!” Nick shouted.

“Nick doesn’t mean that.” Josephine said.

“Listen to me very carefully, little bookworm.” Olaf hissed. “If you’d rather throw yourself to the leeches, be my guest. But your boat is sinking very fast, isn’t it?”

Josephine very hastily clambered over into Olaf’s boat, and the Baudelaires looked to Lilac, who was staring at Olaf in a mixture of horror and fear. Finally, she spat, “Fine.”

The Baudelaires climbed into his boat, standing as far away from him as possible as he sailed away.

“You see, Baudelaires,” Olaf said with a dark smile, “If it weren’t for me, you’d be divided among the Lachrymose Leeches.”

“If it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t be on this stupid fucking lake.” Violet hissed.

“Oh, blame her for that.” Olaf gestured to Josephine. “I’ll admit, it was clever of you to fake your death, but not clever enough. The Baudelaires and their fortune belong to me.”

“Never!” Klaus shouted. “We’ll tell Mr Poe everything, he’ll never hand us over to you!”

“Mr Poe is busy finalizing the adoption papers.” Olaf said. “By the time we return to shore, you will the Sham siblings.”

“Fuck!” Sunny hissed. “No fucking way!”

“We’ll never be the Shams, and we’ll never let you be our guardian ever again!” Lilac said.

“Mr Poe may not believe us,” Nick said, “But he’ll believe Aunt Josephine!”

“Children, children, children.” Olaf sighed, looking towards the trembling Josephine with a gleam in his eye, “Dead women tell no tales.”

“No!” Josephine pleaded. “Please don’t throw me overboard!”

“No!” Lilac shouted.

“You’re not going to hurt Aunt Josephine!” Violet added, trying to move to stand in front of her Aunt, letting out a small cry when Lilac pushed her back, not wanting her to get any closer to Olaf.

“Your Aunt Josephine will not be telling Mr Poe anything,” Olaf said, “Because she’ll be joining her beloved Ike at the bottom of the lake.”

“Oh no, please, I won’t tell Mr Poe anything!” Josephine says. “I’ll go somewhere and hide away and never show my face! You can have the fortune, you can have the children, just don’t throw me to the leeches!”

The Baudelaires stared in horror. “Aunt Josephine!” Lilac shouted.

“You’re our guardian!” Violet added.

“You’re supposed to protect us!” Klaus said.

“Aunt Jo!” Nick added.

“Be quiet, children, the adults are talking.” Olaf said, turning to Josephine. “It’s true that I don’t have to throw you to the leeches, but you hadn’t been very trustworthy recently.”

“Haven’t.”

Olaf narrowed his eyes. “What did you say?”

“You made a grammatical error.” Josephine said. “You should’ve said that I haven’t been trustworthy recently, instead of hadn’t.”

Olaf took a deep breath, and then smiled and stepped closer to her. Nick leapt forwards, as if to push him, but Lilac hauled him back, terrified that he’d get himself or Solitude hurt. Soli whimpered and cuddled Babbitt to her chest.

“Thank you for pointing that out.” Olaf said. “Let me make certain I understand the lesson. You wouldn’t say, ‘Josephine Anwhistle had been thrown overboard to the leeches,’ because that would be incorrect. Instead, you would say, ‘Josephine Anwhistle has been thrown overboard to the leeches.’”

“Yes.” Josephine said. “I mean, no. I mean…”

“Thank you for that.” Olaf said, and with one swift motion, he pushed her overboard.

“Aunt Josephine!” Lilac screeched.

“You fiend!” Klaus shouted, running to the edge of the boat, trying to reach for her, but Aunt Josephine had landed too far away. “You monster!”

“You son of a bitch!” Violet cried.

“Children, children,” Olaf said, already turning the boat away, “That’s no way to talk to your father.”

“Turn this boat around!” Nick shouted. “Turn us around!”

“Save her!” Lilac cried.

“No, I don’t think so.” Olaf said. “We must get to shore. Wave goodbye, children.”

“Aunt Josephine!” Lilac cried, and Solitude and Sunny started to wail. “Aunt Josephine!”

But the boat moved much faster than they anticipated, and within a few moments, they lost sight of their Aunt, bobbing in the water. Lilac sat on a seat, starting to cry, and Violet put an arm around her, glaring at Olaf. Nick and Klaus both looked like they wanted to run and kick Olaf into the water, but they were still holding Solitude and Sunny, and they didn’t want to let them go for even a moment.

“Baudelaires! Thank goodness you’re safe!” Poe cried as Captain Sham forced the children onto the shores of Lake Lachrymose. “When we returned to the house and found it had fallen off the cliff, we thought you were done for!”

“They almost were!” said Captain Sham. “They were about to be torn apart by the leeches when I rescued them!”

“He’s a liar!” Nick shouted, holding Solitude tight to his chest, as if Olaf might rip her away from him. “He threw Aunt Josephine to the leeches!”

“Now, children,” Poe said, “Your aunt Josephine threw herself out of the window, you know this.”

“The children are tired and confused.” Sham said. “I believe they should go lie down.”

“We don’t need to go lie down!” Klaus shouted. “He’s Count Olaf and he’s a murderer!”

“Aunt Josephine’s note had a secret message on it,” Lilac said quickly, “And we decoded it and it told us she was at Curdled Cave, and we found her there, but Count Olaf threw her overboard!”

“Now, children, how could you sail to Curdled Cave in the middle of a hurricane?” Poe asked.

“They’re confused, Mr Poe.” Sham said. “I’ll take them to my home, and they can rest there.”

“No! No, don’t let him take us!” Violet begged.

“Children, Captain Sham seems like he’ll be a good guardian.” Poe said. “He has a good business, he seems unlikely to throw himself out of a window, and he went sailing in the middle of a hurricane to look for you.”

“He only cares about our fortune!” Klaus cried.

“Please, Mr Poe!” Lilac said.

“Listen to us!” Nick said.

“Believe us!” Violet cried.

And then Sunny shouted, “Hey!” They turned to her, only to see her throw herself out of Klaus’s arms, grabbing onto Captain Sham’s wooden leg as she did and giving it a huge, sharp bite.

The leg split in half, and everyone watched as the wood fell away, revealing Count Olaf’s real leg, his bare ankle showing his eye tattoo, clear as day.

Klaus quickly grabbed Sunny, backing up quickly as everyone stared at the tattoo. Captain Sham froze a moment, and then said, “Look at that! My leg has grown back! It’s amazing! It’s wonderful! It’s a medical miracle!”

“Oh, come now!” Poe said. “A child could see that peg leg was false!”

“A child did see it!” Violet shouted. “Six of them, in fact!”

“But you didn’t listen.” Klaus said.

“You never listen.” Lilac added.

“Well… maybe the peg leg was false,” Sham said, “But I’ve never seen this tattoo before in my life!”

The siblings rolled their eyes as Poe said again, “Oh, come now! That won’t work either! You tried to hide the tattoo with the peg leg!”

“Gack!” Solitude said, pointing towards the side. Nick followed her gaze, and then he elbowed his siblings, gesturing to a lumber truck, parked only a few feet away from the shore they stood upon; a worker was almost done unloading lumber in front of a building, and he was chatting with another man, probably whoever was receiving the wood, clearly distracted from the people on the shore. The truck was labelled with Lucky Smells Lumbermill.

“Well, maybe I have the tattoo, but I am Captain Sham, it says so on my business card!”

“Oh, please, anyone can go to a print shop and have a business card made for whatever they like!”

Nick pulled out the photo again, gesturing from the lumbermill in the backdrop to the logo on the truck. Slowly, they all realized what he meant, and looked between themselves. Then Lilac nodded, and they started running as quietly as they could.

“Well,” they could hear Olaf say as they ran, “I may not be Captain Sham, but the children still belong to me!”

Nick reached the truck first, and he placed Solitude in the open back before climbing in himself. Klaus did the same with Sunny, and Lilac clambered in and helped Violet up.

“I think you’ll find that they do not! The adoption papers are made out to Captain Julio Sham, and you are most certainly not him!”

Lilac and Violet ducked down until the truck driver got into the driver’s seat, and then they placed Sunny inbetween them. Nick and Klaus sat beside them, placing Solitude inbetween themselves, as she carefully placed Babbitt on her lap.

“Now, you will remain here, and I will take the children- children? Children?”

That was the last of the conversation they heard as the truck started up and drove away. But as Lilac peered over the wall of the back of the truck, she could see Poe looking around in confusion, and she could see Olaf slipping away.

The children sat in silence for a long while, and then quietly, Klaus said, “Do you think we made the right choice?”

“It doesn’t matter if we made the right choice.” Violet said. “What matters is what happens.”

Sunny leaned against Lilac’s arm, and Solitude petted Babbitt, who’d fallen asleep on her leg. Nick put his arm around Soli, and Klaus leaned onto his brother’s shoulder, carefully avoiding putting his weight on Solitude. Violet slid to the floor, staring up at the sky as birds flew overhead, and Lilac started rubbing Sunny’s hand comfortingly.

“What’ll we do when we get there?” Klaus asked.

“We’ll figure it out.” Nick said. “We always do.”

“You think Olaf will follow us?” Klaus asked.

“Probably.” Lilac said.

“Can we beat him up now?” Nick asked.

“No.” Lilac said, not because she was worried about their moral codes, but because when she shut her eyes, she could still see Olaf pushing her Aunt Josephine to the leeches, abandoning her to die without a second thought. And when she thought of that, she knew full well that he wouldn’t hesitate to do the same to her siblings if they should try and fight him, and she couldn’t let that happen.

She couldn’t let her siblings get hurt again.

“Josephine said we had a day’s drive.” Violet said quietly, playing with her hair. “We can probably… get some sleep.”

None of them really wanted to sleep, but they had been awake for a very, very long time. Nick and Sunny yawned, and Solitude shut her eyes and cuddled with Babbitt.

“Li?” Klaus asked, glancing at her. “Should we?”

Lilac bit her lip, holding back tears; she was probably going to cry a lot thinking about Josephine, and Monty, and her parents, but she couldn’t do that in front of her siblings. Not when they were looking to her.

For all accounts and purposes, she was their guardian now. She was in charge now, and she had to be strong. Protect them, Lilac.

She bit back her sobs, and said, “Go ahead.”

“Road’s a bit bumpy.” Nick yawned again.

“That won’t matter.” Lilac shut her eyes tight. “I’ll sing us to sleep.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

in which the Baudelaires break and enter

Lilac woke up while it was still night.

Well, technically, night was almost over; within a few minutes, she could see the sun start to rise over the forest they were driving beside. Klaus was curled up against her, still asleep, his glasses tucked into his jacket pocket so nobody would accidentally roll over them. On her other side, Sunny was leaning against her arm, smiling as she dreamed about biting things, and on the other side of Klaus, Violet and Nick were side-by-side, the three siblings leaning on each other as Solitude curled up against Nick, Babbitt asleep on her shoulder.

Lilac didn’t move, instead staring up at the sky; she didn’t want to wake any of her siblings, they deserved their rest. She hummed quietly, knowing that songs helped Sunny remain asleep, especially if she was leaning against the singer, feeling deep breaths and hearing soothing notes. Klaus seemed calmed, too, even though they were traveling down a bumpy road, and the truck made loud noises as it traveled, and they could hear birds squawking from the woods.

Nick woke up next, but he didn’t say anything; Lilac could only tell he was awake because he turned his head to the side to check and see if she was up, and then he held Solitude a bit closer to him; he still didn’t quite like her being away from him for long. He wasn’t normally so quiet, but they’d also just escaped from Count Olaf by stowing away on a truck to a lumbermill their parents might have visited once. So it wasn’t like they were in normal circumstances.

Slowly, all the Baudelaires awoke, and sat up, quietly looking between each other. “How much longer you think we have?” Violet asked.

“I doubt very much. We seem to have been driving all night.” Lilac said.

“Food?” Sunny asked.

“We’ll find something, Sun. Promise.” Lilac said. “Maybe there’ll be a restaurant in town.”

“We don’t have money.” Klaus said.

“Maybe they’ll be nice.” Lilac shrugged. “We just… we just tell them we’re six starving, lost orphans and… and we…”

She curled up, trying to hold back tears again. Solitude crawled over to her, and then pulled Babbitt out of her pocket, holding him out. “Friend?” When Lilac didn’t say anything, Solitude precariously placed Babbitt onto her big sister’s knee.

Babbitt chirped, and Lilac quietly muttered, “Thanks, Solitude.”

“Maybe they’ll remember our parents.” Violet said. “Or they’ll recognize the spyglass or something.”

“Or maybe they’ll know Aunt Josephine or Uncle Monty.” Nick said.

“Eye.” Sunny said.

Then, quietly, Solitude said, “Olaf.”

They fell silent again, and Violet said, “I honestly hope none of them have heard of him. Means he’s never been there.”

“No, it means it’s easier for him to disguise himself and fool everyone.” Nick said.

“Don’t talk like that!” Klaus said.

“Yeah, Nick, don’t scare everyone.” Lilac said. “We’re already scared enough. This… this is a terrifying situation.”

“Well…” Nick bit his lip. “Remember what Mother said? ‘Do the scary thing first…’”

“‘Get Scared Later.’” Violet nodded.

“Speaking of which,” Klaus said, and the children realized the car was starting to slow, “We should probably get moving.”

“What?” Lilac asked.

Klaus bit his lip. “I really doubt that guy’s gonna like that we’re hitchhiking, and he’s gonna notice us in a moment.”

“Maybe he’ll be nice.” Lilac said doubtfully.

“Do we wanna take that chance,” Nick asked, as the truck finally stopped, “Or do we wanna risk him sending us right back to Mr Poe?”

They looked at each other and then Sunny said, “Sondheim,” meaning, “Let’s travel through the woods, and follow the road from there; can’t be that much of a walk.”

“Good idea, Sun.” Violet said, picking up the infant. “Let’s head out.”

Nick lifted Solitude, who quickly took Babbitt off of Lilac’s knee and stuffed them into her pocket. Lilac and Klaus, fast as they could, climbed out of the truck, helping Violet and Nick down as they heard the driver’s door open. Lilac gestured with her head, and the siblings raced into the woods. They heard the driver call after them, but they didn’t slow, and within a few minutes, they were running through the trees.

“I think we’re almost out of the woods!” Violet called.

Lilac had hitched up her skirt a few hours ago, in order to travel better, and she watched as Violet and Nick scampered up a tree, pulling themselves onto thick branches and trying to get a better view. Nick was a bit higher, but Violet seemed to have fewer leaves on her side.

“Be careful!” Klaus called. “You don’t want to fall!”

“We’re not gonna fall, dipshit!” Nick called. “We’re not you!”

“I’m gonna pull you down myself!” Klaus shouted up at him.

“We’re almost there!” Violet said. She glanced down, pushing her hastily-tied ponytail out of her face, and then said, “Li, tell Soli to get back here!”

Lilac turned, seeing that Solitude was chasing Babbitt towards a bush. “Solitude! Babbitt! Don’t wander off!”

“Boo!” Solitude huffed, but she did hold out her hand, and Babbitt jumped onto her palm. Sunny, sitting at Klaus’s feet, waved her over, holding out her hands so she could hold Babbitt for a little bit.

Violet and Nick finally reached the top of the tree, and Lilac flinched as they elbowed each other to get more room. After a moment, they started climbing down, and Violet said, “There’s a town not far from here! Maybe a few minutes’ walk! Think I saw the lumbermill!”

“It looked close?” Lilac asked.

“Well, you know we’re shit at judging distance,” Nick said, balancing precariously on a branch, “But yeah, probably only a few minutes’ walk.”

“Okay.” Lilac said. “Okay, let’s head out. Solitude, Sunny, we’ll carry you the rest of the way-”

They heard a snap, and looked up to see Nick falling from a broken branch. He landed on the ground with a thump, and when Lilac and Klaus screamed, he immediately leapt to his feet.

“I’m okay!” he said.

“For the love of fuck, Nick, don’t do that!” Klaus yelled.

“It wasn’t on purpose, dipshit!”

“Stop fighting.” Lilac said. “Nick, pick up Solitude. I’ll take Sunny- Violet, don’t fall down like Nick.”

“Fall down like Nick?” Violet called. “Alright!”

“Don’t you dare!” Lilac shouted, but Violet simply leapt from the branch, cheering as she toppled to the ground, only barely, and shakily, managing to land on her feet.

Nick and Soli clapped, and Lilac hissed, “Violet Malina Baudelaire, I am going to slaughter you.”

“Then do it, bitch.” Violet said, picking up Sunny and sticking out her tongue. “Let’s get into town before we’re stuck in the woods all night.”

Lilac groaned, watching Violet as she made her way through the trees, followed closely by Nick, who started loudly arguing about the best direction for them to go in, Solitude adding in her little cries of support. Klaus grabbed onto Lilac’s arm, and the two of them followed their siblings out of the forest.

“This is Paltryville?” Lilac asked.

“Sure looks like it.” Nick said.

The town they had just entered looked almost completely abandoned. The siblings stepped over an empty, cracked street, looking at the abandoned and ruined buildings around them, the signs long since faded and worn out.

“Dead.” Solitude observed.

“The town’s not dead.” Violet said. “There’s still smoke coming out of the lumbermill up there. People have to be there to be burning fuel or something.”

“Unless it’s on fire.” Nick said.

“Shut up!” Lilac hissed. “We’ll just go up and ask to talk to someone.”

“What if they don’t want to talk to us?” Violet asked.

“Why wouldn’t they?”

“I dunno. Why wouldn’t Aunt Josephine be fierce anymore?”

Lilac gave Violet a dark glare. “Don’t be like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like it’s funny! That Aunt Josephine’s dead!”

“Shit, Li, do you really think-”

“Um, guys?” Klaus interrupted.

“What?” Lilac snapped, glaring at him.

She regretted yelling very quickly, because Klaus looked very pale and scared. Slowly, he pointed to their left, and they stopped walking a moment to follow his gaze.

Across the street was a tall, looming building. They couldn’t read the faded sign from this distance, but they could see the huge window at the top of the building, almost covering the surface of the wall. The window was very clearly shaped like the Eye.

“That fucking thing is everywhere.” Nick said.

“Good.” Lilac said quietly. “It means someone here might know what it means.”

“If we can find anyone here.” Violet said.

“Well,” Lilac said, “Let’s check out the lumbermill.”

She grabbed Klaus’s hand again, and they walked down the broken road, looking ahead towards the tallest building still remaining in the town, labelled with Lucky Smells Lumbermill.

When they got close to the tall gates, Violet and Nick put Sunny and Solitude on the ground, and Violet said, “Alright, we’re gonna need to get over this wall.”

“Gate’s probably not open.” Lilac observed.

Violet slowly started to tie her hair up, eyes fixed on the fence. “We could pile up rubble from surrounding buildings to climb up, but that might be a bit dangerous. Might be fun, though.”

“Could build a catapult, but we could crash into something.” Lilac said. “Boys, what’ve you read about walls?”

“I know the history of the Great Wall of China,” Nick said, “And other historical walls. Berlin, Jericho-”

“How to get over them?”

“Explosives.”

“Hmm. No.”

“...Catapult.”

“We already mentioned that.”

“Do you really expect me to pay attention?”

“I’ve read about walls, too.” Klaus said. “Hadrian’s Wall, Pink Floyd’s The Wall… although, Mother wouldn’t let me watch that one.”

At that, Sunny crawled towards the gate, and leaned against it, flinging it open.

The children stared a moment, before Nick said, “I mean… that works, too.”

“Guess it’s not locked.” Lilac shrugged.

Klaus walked forwards a bit, and then paused at a sign on the wall. He walked up to it, squinting, and read it aloud. “‘Warning: Trespassers will be Put to Work.’ Does this make us trespassers?”

“We’re children.” Violet said.

“They’re not mutually exclusive.”

“Shut up, Klaus,” Nick said, “And trespass with us.”

“We’ll just say we’re children who got lost on a schooltrip.” Lilac said. “Easy enough.”

“That’s a lie, though.” Klaus protested.

“Evif.” Sunny rolled her eyes as Violet picked her up, groaning. “Grow up, Klaus.”

“But-” Klaus began, but Nick just grabbed his hand and dragged him on, as Solitude scrambled to her feet and ran after him, quickly shoving Babbitt onto her shoulder.

The children walked quietly through huge stacks of wood, piled all around the ground, tied up and probably prepared to distribute into trucks. Lilac slowly moved behind her siblings, glancing at the gate that was swinging shut. The mill seemed to get more intimidating as they got closer; it was a cold gray, the metal looked rusted, and the smoke from their fumes billowed higher above their heads.

“Maybe this was a bad idea.” Violet said.

“No shit, Sherlock.” Nick said. “We’ve never had a good idea in our lives.”

“This is serious, though.” Violet said. “We ran away from Mr Poe, we’re at this weird lumbermill, we don’t even know-”

She let out a screech as she felt a sudden hand on her shoulder, and the siblings all whipped around.

“Sorry!” said a man behind them, stepping back and looking very apologetic. “Sorry, I thought you were trespassers, but now I see you’re just children!”

As soon as Klaus calmed down, he said, “They’re not mutually-”

“We’re schoolchildren!” Nick said, slamming a hand over Klaus’s mouth.

“We got lost.” Lilac said.

“Because we’re useless.” Violet added.

“Froggy!” Solitude added helpfully.

“Bite!” Sunny shouted.

The man looked a bit confused, but he said, “Well, I’m Charles. My partner runs this lumbermill-”

“Have you ever seen any of these people?” Nick asked, pulling the photo from his pocket and almost shoving it in the man’s face.

Charles looked very alarmed, and after a second, he said, “Well, you better come with me.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

in which the Baudelaires are put to work

“Are we almost there?” Nick asked. He’d picked up Solitude once they entered the building, and Babbitt occasionally hopped from her shoulder to his.

“Yes, don’t worry.” Charles said pleasantly.

“What happened to the town over there?” Violet asked, shouldering Sunny, who kept trying to crawl out of her hands to see what was on the floor.

“Well, it’s a sad story.” Charles said. “Paltryville used to be a beautiful town, the name was a misnomer. Then, one day, there was a terrible fire, and the whole town burned down. Luckily, our lumbermill survived, as did the- oh! Here we are!”

He opened a door and called, “Sir! I found some children on the grounds!”

The Baudelaires cautiously followed him in, and immediately stared at the corner of the room. A man was sitting behind a desk, but there was such a thick cloud of smoke around his head that it was impossible to see his face.

“Um, hello, Mr…” Lilac began, realizing that she didn’t know this man’s name.

“Just call me Sir.” the man said, coughing slightly. “Nobody can pronounce my name anyway. So, Charles, you found some trespassers? Put em to work!”

“Sir,” Charles said, “They can’t be trespassers, they’re just children. We could take them in, give them a loving home-”

“Nonsense.” Sir said. “You should treat children like adults, or they’ll never learn responsibility. Put em to work in the mill. They’ll learn the value of hard work.”

“But, Sir-”

“Don’t argue with me.” Sir said.

“If you’re partners,” Klaus asked, “Shouldn’t you have equal say in things?”

Nick gave Klaus an incredulous look, and he quickly whispered, “Klaus, they’re not that kind of partners.”

“Huh?”

“They’re gay, you idiot.”

“Oh.” Klaus nodded.

“Excuse me?” Violet called. “If we work in the mill, do we get to stay here?”

“Get to?” Lilac asked.

“Eeyea?” Sunny raised an eyebrow. “Stay here?”

“You see?” Sir said, standing up, the cloud of smoke somehow following him. “This one gets it. In this economy, children are lucky to have a job at all. What’s your name, young lady?”

“Violet Baudelaire.”

There was a deathly silence as Violet assumed Sir was staring at her; it was hard to tell, with all the smoke. “Well.” he said. “A Baudelaire.”

Lilac narrowed her eyes. “Do you know our family?”

“Yes. Everyone in town knows about the Baudelaires.” Sir said darkly.

“You knew our parents?” Klaus asked.

“Of course!” Sir said. “They’re the ones that burned down this town.”

There was a deathly silence, before Lilac said, “Excuse me?”

“Your parents burned this town to the ground.” Sir said. “Everyone knows it. Where are they, exactly?”

“They died.” Lilac said quietly. “In a fire.”

“Good. What goes around comes around.” Sir said.

“What did you just-” Nick started forwards, only for Klaus to drag him back.

“But that’s not important right now! Get to the dorms, and get to work in the morning!” Sir said.

“But-” Nick began.

“Go on, get out of here!” Sir said.

“Sir-” Charles began.

“Okay!” Violet said. “Sounds good!”

“Violet!” Lilac and Klaus both hissed.

“Come on, everyone!” Violet said. “Let’s check out our new dorms!”

“Vi!” Nick protested.

“Vi!” Sunny huffed.

Violet simply spun on her heel and walked out, as Charles quietly gave her directions. Lilac and Klaus shared a confused look before racing after her, Klaus grabbing Nick’s arm and dragging him along before he could say anything rude to the men behind them.

Violet made it to the dorms before they could ask her what she was doing, and she was already chatting with a man by the time they spotted her sitting at a table in the middle of the room- the walls lined with bunk beds- with one of the workers.

“See, my parents were olympic athletes,” he said, “But look at me! I’m working in a lumbermill! How cool is that!”

“Uh, very.” Violet said politely. She turned, placing Sunny onto the seat beside her, and waved her siblings over. “These are my other siblings! Lilac, Klaus, Nick and Solitude. Guys, this is Phil.”

“How have you already made friends?” Lilac asked, sitting beside her and shooting her a glare.

“Oh, I’m friends with everyone!” Phil said. “Especially my fellow employees! Right, guys?”

He turned to the other tables, where several adults were eating some kind of soup. The Baudelaires flinched as the workers glared towards them, and one of them said, “The girl said she was a Baudelaire?”

“I’m surprised that family can show their face in town after what they did!” said another worker.

Klaus flinched and grabbed onto Nick’s hand as the boys sat across from their sisters, and Lilac snapped, “Were any of you here with our parents?”

“Well… no.”

“Then you shouldn’t be spreading rumors.” Lilac huffed. She put an arm around Sunny, and then said, “Violet, why are we here?”

“To work.” Violet said simply.

“Violet-” Lilac began.

“Oh! You’ll get welcome packets!” Phil said. He got up and grabbed some folders from a bag hanging on the wall, turning back and tossing them onto the table. “Some coupons, rules, a map of the town… isn’t that great?”

“Wonderful.” Nick said stiffly.

Violet opened up a folder, pulling out the map. She carefully unfolded it, scanning over the sketch of the town. Sunny hoised herself up, gripping onto the edge of the table so she could see, and she pointed towards the Eye-Shaped building. “Yee-yeee.” she said, which meant, “Look! It’s that Eye Building!”

Violet nodded, as Nick put Solitude onto the table so she and Babbitt could see, too. “It says it’s an optometry building.” she read.

“Good, we could get Nick new glasses.” Lilac said.

“I don’t need glasses!” Nick huffed. “I can see just fine!”

“Yeah, outta one eye.” Klaus said. “What happens if your good eye gets scratched or burnt or something?”

“We’ll just have to make sure that doesn’t happen.” Nick said. “Oh! Or Soli could be my seeing-eye toddler!”

“Seeing-eye Babbitt!” Solitude cheered, holding up her frog, who didn’t seem to be paying much attention.

“There should be a coupon for a free optometry appointment in your welcome pack!” Phil said. “You could probably get those glasses for free!”

“I don’t need glasses!” Nick insisted. “They suck!”

“Excuse you.” Klaus glared at him.

Lilac peered over at the map, and said, “It looks like there’s a lot of machines here.”

“Maybe we can invent something.” Violet said.

“Library!” Solitude pointed out.

“There’s a library here!” Klaus looked a bit excited.

“Maybe we can do some research.” Violet lowered her voice as Phil left to talk to some other workers; they’d all stopped paying attention to the Baudelaires, thankfully.

“Guys?” Klaus said. “What… what Sir said about our parents… you don’t think it’s true, do you?”

“Of course not.” Lilac and Violet both said.

“So, then, we agree on what we have to do.” Klaus said.

And just as he and Lilac both said, “Get out of here,” Violet and Nick said, “Clear their names.”

“Wait, what?” Lilac said.

“We can’t just let people think our parents are horrible arsonists.” Nick said.

“If we clear their names,” Violet said, “Maybe we can find some answers here.”

“No, we need to leave.” Klaus said. “We don’t owe these people anything, and if they’re not going to give us answers, then we might as well go before Count Olaf can find us.”

“He might not be able to find us here.” Violet said.

“Did you miss the building shaped like his tattoo?” Lilac asked.

“Of course not!” Violet said. “But it could be a coincidence. Uncle Monty had something with that Eye, too, and he wasn’t Olaf’s friend.”

“We can’t take that chance!” Lilac said. “I’m not letting any of you get yourselves hurt!”

“Then leave.” Violet said. “But I’m staying. I don’t care if I have to work in a lumbermill, I’m clearing our parents’ names. I won’t… I won’t let people remember them like this. Besides, where the hell else would we go?”

“Violet-” Lilac began.

“I’m with Violet.” Nick said. “Our parents aren’t arsonists, and this lumbermill is the only clue we have. We should stay.”

“You want to work?” Klaus asked, shocked.

“We all have to make sacrifices.” Nick shrugged.

“Solitude? Sunny?” Lilac asked pleadingly. “You want to leave, right?”

Solitude looked up from the map as Babbitt jumped onto her shoulder. She considered a second, and then said, “Laos,” meaning, “I’m with Nick.”

“No surprise.” Klaus muttered.

Lilac looked to Sunny, who just shrugged and bit onto the table. The oldest Baudelaire let out a groan, and she said, “I’ll give us three days. We don’t find anything, we get the heck out of here. Deal?”

“No.” Violet said stiffly. “I’m staying until we figure out what happened here.”

“You are leaving with me after day three.” Lilac insisted.

“No, I’m not.” Violet said.

“Violet, stop being stubborn!”

“You’re being stubborn!”

“Don’t fight!” Klaus cried, and Sunny threw her hands over her ears.

“Violet, I’m the oldest and I’m in charge!” Lilac shouted.

“You put yourself in charge!”

“No, I didn’t! Mom and Dad told me to-”

“Mother and Father are dead!”

The siblings all fell completely silent, and then Violet jumped to her feet, shutting her eyes and saying, “I’m finding a free bunk. You all do whatever the fuck you want.”

She raced off, and while most of her siblings watched her go, concerned, Lilac just stared at the table, clenching her fists and trying to control her breath.

“I’ll…  I’ll find our uniforms.” Nick said quietly. “Come on, Sol.”

He picked up the toddler, and Klaus said, “Lilac, I… we should get some sleep… she didn’t mean…”

“It doesn’t matter what she meant.” Lilac said. She picked up Sunny and said, “Let’s find someplace to sleep.”

“What the fuck is that sound?”

The siblings were awoken by a loud clanging, bursting through the speakers above their heads.

“It sounds like someone banging metal pots together.” Violet groaned, sitting up and pushing her hair out of her face.

“Probably is!” said Phil cheerily from across the room. The other workers were getting up, and he said, “Come on, kids! It’s log day, I love log day!”

“I want to die.” Nick groaned.

“You’re the one who wanted to stay.” Klaus bitterly reminded him, hurriedly wiping his glasses on his shirt.

Lilac sat up on her bunk, quickly picking up Sunny from beside her and shoving her in Klaus’s arms. “I’ll braid my hair back while we walk,” she said. “Let’s go fast so we can do whatever the hell you all are planning to do.”

“We’re doing research.” Violet said stiffly, jumping off of the top bunk. “Come on, let’s go. Log day should be fun.”

Log day was not fun.

The children quickly changed into drab green uniforms that had been provided for them, and once they were done, Lilac glared at Nick and said, “Well, is this what you wanted? We don’t look like ‘preps’ anymore.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

As the children walked into the Mill, Phil said, “Well, isn’t this surprising! We have a new foreman!”

“What?” Lilac asked, as a man approached the workers, indeed banging metal pots together. He had a thick mask over his head, one that covered his entire face and slightly muffled his voice.

“Get to work, you lazy lumps!” the Foreman said. He turned to the Baudelaires and said, “Are these our new workers? I was told we had midgets working today.”

“Parvum!” Sunny shouted. “We’re not midgets, we’re children!”

“What my sister means-” Klaus began.

“I don’t give a fig what she means.” said the Foreman; as he got closer, the siblings noticed he had a nametag that gave his name as Flacutono. “All I care about is you get to work! We have lots of logs to work with! Get a debarker and get moving!”

The siblings hurriedly followed the other workers to a machine, where everyone was getting a debarker from a dispenser. Violet and Lilac glanced around the room and saw the huge machines, narrowing their eyes and wondering how they worked. Nick and Klaus exchanged looks, both trying to remember books they’d read on lumbermills. Solitude put a hand over her pocket, where Babbitt was asleep, hoping that he wouldn’t fall out and the noise wouldn’t wake him up, and Sunny looked at the circular saws meant for logs and wondered if it was sharper than her teeth.

Once the siblings all had a debarker, they followed Phil to a log that one of the machines pushed into the ground. The workers started scraping their debarkers against the wood, ripping the bark from the log, and after a moment, the children joined in.

The machines kept pushing logs into the mill, and the workers all kept debarking. Solitude and Sunny reached towards the bottom of the log, only able to reach up a few feet, and Lilac and Klaus took one side while Violet and Nick took the other. It was not only incredibly boring work, and very hard, but it was very loud; the machines all made clangs and whirs, and Foreman Flacutono kept banging his pots together. Klaus, Lilac and Sunny seemed the most bothered by this; Lilac kept flinching whenever the pots clanged, Sunny would sometimes hide on one side of the log to cover her ears, and Klaus kept shutting his eyes in a struggle to hold back tears of frustration and overstimulation.

They worked for several hours, not even able to converse over the difficult work. When Foreman Flacutono finally banged his pots and called, “Lunch Break! Five minutes!” the Baudelaires breathed a sigh of relief, and Klaus leaned onto Lilac’s shoulder and Sunny crawled over to Violet and hugged her leg, and Solitude giggled and held up her arms so that Nick could pick her up.

The six of them wandered over to a corner, where the workers were passing around a box. When it reached the siblings, Lilac stared at it, horrified.

“This is gum.” she said. “This is gum.”

“Yeah.” one of the workers shrugged.

“We can’t have gum for lunch!” Nick said.

“You better.” said Phil. “It’s all you’ll get til dinner.”

The siblings looked to each other in shock. “Can we go buy lunch somewhere?” Violet asked.

“That’d be hard,” shrugged a woman, “Considering we’re paid in coupons.”

“You don’t get wages?” Klaus asked.

“That’s completely unfair.” Violet said.

“Why don’t you just leave?” Lilac asked.

“Lucky Smells is our life.” responded the worker closest to them, almost robotically. “Lucky Smells is our home.”

“Oooookay.” Nick said. He stood up, picking up Solitude, and said, “I’m going to spend my lunch break at the Library. Come on, guys.”

Violet hesitantly glanced towards the adults, as if she wanted to question them, or offer help, but instead, she stood up and ran after Nick, carrying Sunny with her. Klaus grabbed tightly onto Lilac’s arm, and he quietly whispered, as they walked away, “Li, how long do we have to stay?”

“Not long, I promise.” Lilac said. “Don’t worry, Klaus. We’ll be out of here before you know it.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

in which Klaus goes to the Optometrist

“The Library should be right about here.” Violet said. “Right across from Sir’s office.”

“Wonderful.” Lilac groaned. “So he can yell at us while we research shit.”

“Maybe there’ll be a town history.” Nick said. “Or something like that.”

“Or at least something.” Klaus said.

“Bite.” Sunny whined, leaning on Violet shoulder, trying to fall asleep.

Nick and Klaus moved to the doors that lead to the library, pushing them open to see a room filled with identical-looking books. But before any of them could enter, the doors behind them opened, and they turned to see Sir- or, at least, the puff of smoke around his face- as he said, “So, trying to skip work, are we?”

“We thought we’d go to the library during our lunch break.” Violet said quickly.

“Ah!” Charles came out of the room, too, saying, “What a lovely idea! Sir, I told you a library would be good for morale!”

“Nonsense.” Sir said. “Lunch breaks are for chewing gum, not sneaking off to libraries. That’s why you only need five minutes.”

“Excuse me?” Nick said.

“You’re not going to cause trouble for this mill, are you?” Sir asked. “I took a chance treating you like grown-ups. Don’t make me regret it.”

“But-” Klaus began.

“Get back to work!” Sir said.

He turned and went back into his office, and Klaus grabbed tighter onto Lilac’s arm as she glared at the smoke disappearing.

“You’ll have to excuse Sir.” Charles said apologetically.

“Do you know he feeds the workers gum and pays them in coupons?” Lilac snapped.

Charles flinched. “Yes, well, I’ve tried to discuss that…”

“If you guys are partners,” Klaus said, “You should be able to stand up to him.”

“It’s complicated.” Charles said. “I know Sir can be prickly, but you have to understand, he had a very terrible childhood.”

“Oh, we understand.” Lilac said.

“We’re having a very terrible childhood right now.” Violet said.

“So.” Lilac said. “When the hell are we going to leave?”

It was finally slightly quiet enough for them to be able to converse, and all six Baudelaires were debarking a log. Violet and Lilac had their hair tied back, and while Lilac had been thinking about if she could invent some kind of earplugs for Klaus, Violet had been thinking about the best way to break into the library.

“Eventually.” Violet said.

“Soon as we clear our parents’ names.” Nick said.

“That might not happen.” Lilac said. “It doesn’t matter, it’s not like these people are going to leave here and talk shit about our parents somewhere else.”

“Don’t talk like that.” Violet snapped. “These people are being mistreated, don’t you feel bad about that?”

“I feel terrified that we’re going to get hurt.” Lilac said. “We should just leave and look for answers somewhere else.”

“I’m with Lilac!” Klaus said. “This place is horrible and I hate it! We can find answers in a better place, one that doesn’t force us to work for coupons!”

“We can’t just give up now!” Nick said.

“We’re close, I know it!” Violet said. “Just give us some time!”

“How much time?” Lilac asked. “Until one of us gets crushed by a log? Until a machine falls on us? Until we forget why we even came here and we waste away eating gum?”

“We’ll get out when Mother and Father’s names are cleared.” Violet said stiffly. “No sooner, no later.”

“Violet, we can’t just stay here!” Klaus shouted.

“We’ll stay here as long as we have to!”

Klaus inhaled sharply, glancing to the ground so his siblings couldn’t tell he was blinking back tears. Then he said, “I need a new debarker,” and took off running.

“Great job, you two.” Lilac snapped. “You made Klaus cry.”

“Klaus always cries.” Nick said.

“I swear, we need to leave.” Lilac said, glancing down to where Sunny was gnawing on a strip of bark.

“Don’t you care about Mom and Dad?” Nick glared at her. “At what people think of them?”

“Of course I do! But I also care about making sure none of us die or get kidnapped by Count Olaf-”

“Do you see Count Olaf here?” Violet said.

“He could be!” Lilac said. “He could be the Foreman, have you seen his face?”

“He’s too tall.” Nick said.

“Could be on stilts.”

“Really?” Violet gave Lilac a glare.

“Look! He chased us to Monty’s and Josephine’s!” Lilac said. “He could find us he-”

She cut herself off when they heard Klaus let out a scream from several feet away. His siblings froze for only an instant, before Nick grabbed Solitude and Lilac grabbed Sunny and they all started racing towards where the shout had come from. It didn’t take long for them to see Klaus, struggling to get up off of the ground, having fallen. His glasses were a few feet from him, completely shattered, and Foreman Flacutono was standing beside him.

“Klaus!” Violet shouted, terrified.

Klaus was scrambling to his feet as they reached him, grabbing his glasses, trying to see through the broken frames.

“What happened?” Lilac asked, grabbing his arm.

“I-I- the Foreman-” Klaus stumbled.

“Boy must’ve tripped.” Foreman Flacutono said simply. “It must’ve been karma.”

“Did you push him?” Lilac asked, furious.

“I just said,” the Foreman said, as some of the workers started gathering, “The boy tripped.”

“Can you see?” Nick asked.

Klaus squinted through the cracked glass. “A… a little.”

“You’ll be fine.” said Flacutono. “Get back to work.”

“He can’t work if he can’t see!” Phil said. He turned to the kids, smiling and said, “It’s okay! Our optometrist gives free eye exams to all the workers here! I can take Klaus over there, we’ll be back in a jiffy!”

“We should go with him.” Lilac said quickly.

“And miss more work?” Flacutono said. “No, we can only have two missing at a time. Better stay here.”

“But-” Lilac said.

“We can’t just leave him!” Violet said.

“He can’t go to that Eye building alone!” Nick shouted.

“Simitu!” Solitude said. “We can’t just let him off by himself!”

“Oculus!” Sunny said. “That eye building is creepy!”

“Stop complaining!” the Foreman said. “Say goodbye to the midget, he’ll be back soon to keep working.”

“Yeah, the eye appointments rarely take very long.” Phil said.

The siblings stared at Klaus a moment, and then Lilac said, “Don’t do anything stupid.”

“We’ll be right here if you need us.” Nick said.

“I’ll be fine.” Klaus said. “Maybe I can… can find some answers.”

“Maybe we can, too.” Violet said.

Then Klaus turned and left with Phil, and his siblings all felt very, very scared.

“Okay,” Violet said quietly, “I’m gonna sneak off. Cover for me.”

“Absolutely not.” Lilac said.

It had been a few hours, and Klaus had still not returned. They were all getting nervous, and as Lilac glared at her sister, Violet said, “We have to check that Library.”

“I’ll go with her.” Nick said. “I read faster.”

“If you get caught-”

“Since when have we ever gotten caught?” Violet smirked.

Lilac gave her a look. “How much should that statement concern me? Nevermind, you’re not leaving me to work in a mill I don’t want to be in while you run off-”

“Come on, Li, we need you to watch the girls.” Violet said.

Nick paused a second, and then said, “Can we take Soli?”

“Lilac’ll watch her.”

“But…” Nick glanced down to where Solitude and Sunny were biting the bottom of a log. “I don’t want-”

“She’ll be fine, come on.”

Soli looked up at Nick and rolled her eyes a little, saying, “Go.”

“But-”

Violet groaned and grabbed Nick’s arm, dragging him towards the door. “Keep quiet,” she said, “Or the Foreman’ll notice us.”

“Are you sure they’ll be okay? What if Soli and Sunny wander off and Li can only go after one of them? What if Soli misses me? What if Babbitt gets out and Soli chases him right into the furnace? What if-”

“Shut the fuck up.” Violet said, as they reached the door. “We’re gonna get some reading done, and then we’ll be right back.”

“I…”

“They can take care of themselves, Nick. Just like Klaus is totally fine right now. Come on.”

They raced to the office building, and Violet managed to quietly slide open the library doors, pushing Nick in in front of her. He ran to the shelves, saying, “They’re all the same book. History of Lucky Smells Lumbermill.”

“Then take one and get to work.” Violet said.

Nick pulled a book down, moving over to a table in the center. He flipped to the back and said, “Oh. Sir wrote this. That’s why there’s so many here.”

“Just get reading!”

“Well, we’ll have to start at the table of contents or index.” Nick said. “So we don’t waste our team reading an entire boring-ass book.”

He flipped to the table of contents, reading the titles aloud as Violet impatiently stood beside him. “Timber History, Driftwood Ways and Means, Lumber Bartering, Finite Forest Profiteering, Paltryville Workmanship, Those Lucky Smells, A Logging Saviour, From Logger to Squire, Small Logs to Big Logs…”

“This is so boring.” Violet groaned.

“The Outsider, A Heated Exchange, The Paltryville Fire… that’s it! Paltryville Fire!” Nick said. “Page Three-hundred and Twenty-One!”

He flipped ahead, and then stared down. “The Baudelaires were unequivocally responsible…” he read. “The rest is blacked out. With marker, I think.”  

“Cause that’s not suspicious at all.” Violet groaned. “Grab another book, see if that one’s crossed out. Keep going til we find something.”

She ran to another shelf, and Nick placed the book in the corner of the table before grabbing another one. The two siblings ran back-and-forth from the table to the shelves, flipping through each book to page 341, looking for something that wasn’t blacked out.

Unfortunately, when Violet finally let out a cry of excitement and slammed a book on the table, calling, “This one’s not crossed out!” they heard very loud footsteps coming towards them, as well as a heavy cough.

“Fuck!” Nick shouted, and he quickly grabbed Violet’s arm, pulling her behind a chair and pushing her to the floor. The two siblings crouched behind it, Nick grabbing a dictionary from beside them in case he needed a weapon.

Violet peered around the chair, seeing someone step into the room. She couldn’t see much without giving away her position, but she guessed who it was by the waft of smoke. She watched the image notice the book still on the table- shit shit shit, she should’ve taken it with her! Sir approached it, and then Violet flinched back as she heard a page rip.

Fuck.

She waited until Sir walked out again, and then she whispered, “Nick, what do we- Nick?”

Nick had flipped open the dictionary, and he was staring down at the first page, almost frozen. Violet scooted next to him, looking down at the page, seeing only a handwritten quote.

In every Library, there is a single book that can answer the question that burns like a fire in the mind.

They both recognized the handwriting.

“Father.” Violet said.

“Dad.” Nick said, his voice very quiet.

“Where the actual hell were you?” Lilac asked, looking up from the table.

They were back in the dorms, and Violet and Nick finally ran in, sitting across from her and grabbing bowls of soup that had been set out. Solitude and Sunny sat on either side of Lilac, and when Solitude saw Nick, she beamed and waved, standing up on the seat to show him Babbitt, who was resting on her palm.

“Sorry. Got stuck in the Library waiting for Sir to leave his office.” Violet said. “We would’ve found something if he didn’t walk in and rip the page out.”

“What?”

“Is Klaus not back yet?” Nick asked, glancing around the room.

Lilac glanced to the ground and shook her head.

“Wh-where is he, then? Did Phil come back?” Nick asked.

“Phil did. Said Klaus’d be here soon and not much else. He’s over there.”

“Did something happen? Should we go look?” Violet asked.

“Oh, gee, no,” Lilac snapped, “That’d be leaving the mill, and God forbid we get the hell out of here.”

“Are you going to be like this forever?” Violet asked.

“Yes, because our baby brother is out there alone in a building with a giant-ass window shaped like Count Olaf’s tattoo, and we’re sitting here doing jackshit about it!”

“Listen! He’ll… he’ll be back soon!” Nick said uncertainty. “They wouldn’t just…”

“Wouldn’t what?” Lilac shouted. “Kidnap him? Kill him?”

“No! They wouldn’t do that!” Nick said.

“We don’t know what they’d do!” Lilac said. “He’s been gone for hours! They could be doing anything to him, and we’re just sitting here and doing nothing!”

“We’re not doing nothing!” Violet shouted back. “We’re trying to save our parents’ legacy!”

“Violet!” Lilac screamed. “We are their legacy! And Klaus could be in danger!”

“Why don’t you care what people think of them?”

“I care about us more!”

“Tilda!” Sunny shouted. “Be quiet! People are going to start staring if you keep yelling!”

“I don’t care!” Lilac screamed.

And just as she shouted, the door swung open. None of the other workers even bothered to look up, but the Baudelaires snapped their attention over.

“Klaus!” Violet gasped, relieved, and Lilac picked up Sunny and raced over. Solitude slid off the seat and ran after her, and Violet and Nick closely followed. “Klaus, what happened?”

Klaus didn’t respond, instead staring ahead.

“They fixed your glasses.” Nick noted, sliding to a stop as Lilac immediately threw her arms around Klaus, hugging him close. He didn’t move to hug her back.

“What happened? What’s in there?” Violet asked.

“Did they do anything to you?” Lilac pulled away, pushing her braids out of her face.

Klaus didn’t say anything.

“Klaus? Hey, buddy. You okay?” Nick asked.

“Kla?” Sunny looked over at him, concerned.

A bell rung for lights out, and the workers quickly got to their beds. Klaus pushed past his siblings and made his way to the bunk he’d claimed, lying down flat. He was completely still, which was very scary; Klaus usually was always moving in some way.

“Klaus? Hey, are you okay?” Lilac asked.

All that Klaus said was, “Yes, sir.”

Lilac froze over, horrified. Sunny and Solitude gasped, and Nick stepped back, letting out a gasp and going very pale.

Violet just stared at him, and then started to cry.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

in which Klaus is acting Very Strange

“It’s my fault.”

Sunny was sleeping next to Violet tonight, as Lilac was staying up beside Klaus, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Nick and Solitude had fallen asleep still clinging to each other, both confused and scared by Klaus’s behavior, and Babbitt slept on the pillow beside them. Violet wasn’t even sure if Sunny was awake anymore, but it didn’t really matter, she guessed. She just had to talk to somebody who wouldn’t make her feel worse.

“It’s my fucking fault.” she said, whispering so that her other siblings couldn’t hear. “I shouldn’t have insisted we stay. Now something’s wrong with Klaus. And it’s because of me.”

She put an arm around Sunny, and she said, “I… I just… I’m sorry, Sun. This is my fault, I just… I want answers, and I don’t want people to think Mother and Father… they can’t defend themselves, Sun. It’s up to us to make sure people remember them well. And I… I just… I just want everyone to remember them like we did… but Lilac’s right, it’s more important that we stay alive and now something is wrong with our baby brother… something happened to Klaus and he won’t tell us what and… and… Sunny, I’m scared, I’m so scared, and I can’t be as strong as Lilac. I can’t… I’m sorry, Sun, I wanted to… to be the big sister and I put us all in danger and… and it’s my fault…”

She glanced over at Sunny as tears sprang to the edge of her eyes, seeing that her sister was, indeed, asleep. Well… that was good, it meant she didn’t know how useless her older sister was, how much Violet had failed them all…

That’s why Mother and Father didn’t trust you to protect your siblings. You’re not as good as Lilac. You never will be. You can’t protect anyone.

Violet choked back tears, wrapping her arm tighter around Sunny. “I’m sorry…” she whispered. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I…”

She jumped up as she heard someone climbing up the bunk, and turned to see that Lilac was seating herself on the edge of the mattress. Violet’s face went red, and she wondered how much Lilac had been able to hear.

“I…” Violet brushed her face with her sleeve. “I- Lilac, I-”

Lilac moved over before Violet could come up with some kind of excuse, throwing her arms around her sister and hugging her as tight as she could. Violet started to sob, and Lilac didn’t say anything. Violet wouldn’t have wanted her to.

They both fell asleep curled up beside Sunny, still hugging and trying to keep themselves from completely falling apart.

They awoke to the clanging of pots over the loudspeakers again, but Nick was the first one to realize Klaus was moving out ahead of them.

“Hey, idiot, you forgot your shoes!” he called out, still half-asleep and not quite remembering how strange Klaus had been acting.

Solitude sat up beside him, rubbing her eyes as Babbitt hopped into her pocket. She glanced over at Klaus, and then gasped as she realized he’d picked Sunny up off of the top bunk and was carrying her out with him. “Sun!”

Nick leapt to his feet, quickly picking Soli up, as Lilac and Violet also awoke, realized what was happening, and scurried to the ground. “What’s going on?” Violet asked.

Nick shrugged, looking incredibly concerned, and he said, “I’ll go after him-”

“We’re all going.” Lilac said. She held out her arms and, hesitantly, Nick handed her Solitude. “Come on, we’ve got to figure out what’s wrong with him.”

They ran off, trying to avoid pushing their way through workers. By the time they reached the mill, most of the work had already begun, and they flinched at the noise, squinting around the room to try and spot their siblings.

“There!” Soli pointed, and they looked up a set of stairs, where Klaus was taking wood from a pile and dumping it into a woodchipper. Sunny was letting out startled cries, and as the Baudelaires rushed up the steps, they could see that she was clinging to her brother’s shirt, trying not to look in the machine.

“Klaus!” Lilac shouted. “Klaus, stop!”

He didn’t make any move to listen to her, so Nick ran forwards, grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to turn around. Violet grabbed Sunny from him, holding the infant close, as Klaus struggled to get away from Nick and get back to work.

“Klaus, seriously, stop it!” Nick said, his voice breaking. “Stop it! This isn’t funny! It’s scary, Klaus! Stop it!”

“I need to get to work.” Klaus said, in a monotone.

“No!” Nick said, tears springing to his eyes. “Come on, say something stupid! Call me an idiot!”

“Klaus, I’m sorry!” Violet said. “I’m sorry, this is my fault-”

“You’re scaring us, Klaus!” Lilac said.

“I’m sorry!” Violet continued. “You were right, you and Lilac. We have to leave.”

Klaus shook his head. “Lucky Smells is our life. Lucky Smells is our home.”

“No, it’s not!” Lilac said.

Nick hugged his brother, saying, “Please, Klaus, come back.”

“Klaus, please, we miss you.” Lilac said. “An inordinate amount.”

“Inordinate?” The siblings jumped, glancing down the steps to see Phil looking up at them. “Wow, that’s a word I’ve never heard before! What’s it mean?”

“Well,” said Klaus, which caused the siblings to jump a second time, “It can mean many things. Immoderate, irregular, disorderly…” The Baudelaires all let out sighs of relief, as he smiled and said, “But, in this case, I think it means you missed me a whole lot.”

“Klaus!” Violet cried.

“You’re back.” Lilac said, and Nick hugged Klaus tighter.

“Where was I?” Klaus asked. “And why aren’t I wearing shoes?” He paused. “Nick, are you hugging me?”

“No, shut up!” Nick backed up, glancing away so Klaus couldn’t see the tears at the edge of his eyes.

“What happened to you?” Lilac asked.

“I… I don’t…” Klaus narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know. I… Phil and I-” he glanced towards Phil, only to find that he had gone back to work somewhere else. “We went to the eye-shaped building, and then… I don’t know…”

“What do you mean-” Lilac began.

“Hey! Baude-liar brats!” called Foreman Flacutono. “If you’re not going to continue shredding wood, get down here and get to work!”

Lilac flinched. “Sir, we’re-”

“I don’t give a shit what you were doing, get down here and get to work!”

Hesitantly, the children started down the stairs, with Klaus carefully stepping and staring at his bare feet, confused as to why he hadn’t put on shoes.

Unfortunately, just as he reached the bottom of the steps, and his siblings stopped a moment to help Solitude, who was trying to crawl out of Lilac’s arms and into Nick’s, the Foreman reached out a foot, tripping him up and sending him once again falling to the ground.

“What horrible luck!” the Foreman said as the Baudelaires whipped around, hearing another shattering noise. “You’ll need to get those glasses fixed again.”

“No!” Nick shouted, kneeling down to help Klaus up and throwing his arm around his twin. “No, he’s not going anywhere!”

“Well, he’s working here now,” Foreman Flacutono said, “And as was pointed out to me yesterday, he can’t work if he can’t see. We wouldn’t want him to cause an accident, would we?” The Baudelaires shivered as he said that. “I can escort him over-”

“No!” Lilac said. “No, we’ll take him.”

“You’re not missing work just for him.”

“We’ll do whatever the fuck we want.” Violet snapped. “Come on, Klaus. We’re all going to the optometrist.”

“You can’t just-” Foreman Flacutono began, but Lilac grabbed onto Klaus’s free hand and dragged him off towards the door.

“Let’s see what’s actually in there, huh?” Lilac muttered.

“Lilac-” Violet ran after her.

“We’re finding out what they did to Klaus.” Lilac said stubbornly. “Move your ass, let’s go.”

Nick gripped harder onto his brother’s shoulder, and Klaus said, almost distantly, “Yeah. I… I want to know what’s going on.”

“Then let’s hurry, before the Foreman thinks to go after us.”

As they approached the building with the Eye-shaped window, Sunny curled up against Violet and said, “Gnik,” which meant, “I’m very concerned about that building.”

“It’s alright, Sunny. We’ll be okay.” Violet said. “We’ll protect you, and we’ll protect Klaus.”

Lilac carefully tied her hair up, as Solitude slid out of Nick’s arms and to the ground, where she pulled Babbitt out of her pocket. The frog hopped onto her shoulder, chirping as if they, too, were scared. They might have been, and Solitude placed her hand over them, as if offering to cover them should any danger approach. Nick put a hand on her other shoulder, and linked his other hand with Klaus’s. Klaus was shaking slightly, and Violet said, “Are you sure that you don’t remember anything?”

“Just standing here with Phil. I was telling him about The Great Gatsby .” Klaus said.

“Who?” Solitude asked.

“The Great Gatsby is a book from the 1920’s.” Nick said. “It’s about how awful rich people are. Why were you talking about Gatsby to Phil?”

“The sign above us.” Klaus said, gesturing to a sign shaped like a pair of eyeglasses. “It reminds me of the one in Gatsby. It represents the eyes of God staring down and judging society as a moral wasteland.”

“What did Phil say to that?” Lilac asked.

“He said it sounded like a fun book.” Klaus smiled slightly. “Ever the optimist.”

Violet glanced towards the door, and said, “You know, Klaus, if you… if you really want to leave, we could probably find somewhere else to hide. Far away.”

“We’d eventually have to find an optometrist.” Klaus said. “So that I could see. And we might as well find out what goes on in there.”

“Are you sure you don’t remember anything?” Lilac asked.

“Nothing.” Klaus said. “It’s as if I were asleep since Phil and I reached the building.”

“But you weren’t asleep.” Violet said. “You were still walking around, but… not like you.”

“Like a zombie.” Nick said. “Like in that movie Uncle Monty showed us.”

They fell silent at the mention of Uncle Monty, and then Klaus narrowed his eyes and said. “Wait a moment. That almost sounds like I was… no, no…”

“Was what?” Violet asked.

Before Klaus could reply, the children jumped as the door swung open ahead of them. A tall woman with sharp glasses said, “Oh, Klaus! I’m sorry about your glasses, they appear to have broken again? I used the wrong glass last time, and it’s much more breakable. I can repair those for you, free of charge.” she paused, smiling a very cold smile. “Who are your friends?”

Klaus stared at her, his face paling, as if we was trying to recall who she was; he looked at her like she was an adult who your parents expected you to remember and have a pleasant conversation with, even though you cannot, for the life you, figure out where you met them last or how they know you. “Um…” he said, not wanting to be rude and ask her who she was, “These are my siblings.”

“Are you Dr Orwell?” Violet asked.

“That I am.” said Dr Orwell. “Why don’t you come in and wait while I repair your brother’s glasses for him? I’m afraid my room is very small, as Klaus will know, so I’ll only be able to fit him.”

“We’d prefer to wait with Klaus.” Lilac said.

As she spoke, Klaus’s eyes suddenly widened with fear, and he tugged on Nick’s arm until his twin looked at him. Then, carefully, he started tapping on his brother’s hand. Four short raps, and then he waited.

“Well, I’m going to need him with me,” Orwell said, “Or else I might mess up his prescription. Isn’t that right, Klaus?”

“I…” Klaus glanced at Nick, whose eyes widened in realization. He removed his hand from Soli’s shoulder, and as she grabbed his leg, He made the sign language symbol for H.

Klaus nodded, which meant that Orwell thought he was responding to her. “See, children? Come along, Baudelaires. This won’t take as long as last time, I promise.”

As they slowly walked, Klaus continued tapping on his twin’s hand. First, one long tap, one short, two long. Then a long and short, then three longs, and then three shorts. As they stepped into the office, he tapped two shorts, and finally three shorts again. As Orwell turned to open the door to her office, Nick started fingerspelling as fast as he could. Klaus nodded, and then Orwell said, “Come along, Klaus. Baudelaires, my receptionist will speak to you as I help your brother. She is in the waiting room, over there.”

Hesitantly, Klaus said, “I’ll be back soon.”

“Be careful.” Lilac said, and Klaus nodded and followed Orwell out.

The Baudelaires watched their brother leave, and then they turned towards the waiting room. Nick started hastily signing to Solitude, who understood and nodded, and began signing to Sunny. But before she could finish, they entered the waiting room, and saw something that did not alarm them and something that did.

What did not alarm them was the waiting room itself, which looked like any other waiting room; there were chairs that would have been comfortable if they were in any other place, and boring magazines spread on shiny tables, and very white walls with very cartoonish paintings around the edges. And there was a desk, behind which was the thing that alarmed them very much.

“Hello, children!” said the receptionist. “And what are your names?”

Though the receptionist wore a blonde wig, a beige dress, high heels, and thick makeup, the children could recognize who it was instantly.

“You know our names.” Lilac said sharply. “And you are Count Olaf.”

Count Olaf’s eyes shone as he said, “Why, I don’t know who that is! My name is Shirley.”

“As in surely Count Olaf?” Nick asked, picking up Solitude and holding her very tightly.

“As in Shirley St Ives.” said Count Olaf. “You can see it on my nameplate, see?” He gestured to a wooden panel with the false name emblazoned onto it.

“That nameplate doesn’t mean anything.” Nick said. “Anyone can make a nameplate just as anyone can make a business card.”

“I am Shirley,” Olaf said, “Because I would surely like to be called Shirley, and it would be impolite to use the wrong name. If several children were to be impolite to me, by calling me by the wrong name, I might have to do something impolite to them, such as ripping their hair out with my painted fingernails.”

Nick looked absolutely furious, and Lilac sucked in a breath and then said, “Alright, then, Shirley. How did you get into town?”

“A friendly truck driver took me.” said Shirley. “Told me about several hitchhikers who ran away from him like guilty little criminals who steal sailboats.”

“And how long have you been in town?”

“A day or so. Just transferred.”

“And you’re working with Dr Orwell?”

“Of course.” Olaf smiled. “I am her receptionist.”

“And what the hell is happening to our brother?” Nick asked, though he had a suspicion.

“He’s getting new glasses.”

“You know what we mean!” Violet hissed. “What are you doing to Klaus?”

“Nothing is wrong with your brother.” said Shirley, pulling out a nail file.

“What are you doing to him?” Nick looked horrified. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Language, boy.”

“Shut the fuck up and give us our brother back!”

“Now, now.” they all jumped, and turned to see Dr Orwell standing in the doorway, one hand on Klaus’s shoulder. “There’s no need to be rude to dear Shirley. Your brother is right here.”

Solitude once again turned to Sunny, signing wildly, incredibly thankful that Nick and Klaus had insisted on teaching them basic sign language when they were still figuring out how to understand their babytalk. And while she didn’t know the exact sign for what she was telling Sunny, she knew how to convey it well enough.

“Klaus?” Violet raced over. “Klaus, are you okay?”

He turned to look at her blankly, and he said, “Yes, sir.”

Violet and Lilac both looked like they’d been slapped, and then they very quickly both looked like they were about to break down.

“What have you done?” Lilac shouted.

“I repaired his glasses, thank you.” Orwell said. “You should get back to work. Wouldn’t want to get fired, would you?”

“You-” Nick looked between the adults. “You…”

“We will take him back.” Violet snapped. “And we’ll figure out your horrible plan, and we’ll stop you!”

“My plan to give free optometry?” Orwell raised an eyebrow. “Shirley, are you sure you want children? They seem rather rude.”

“I adore children.” said Shirley. “Can’t wait to adopt some rude brats of my own.”

“Like hell!” Violet screamed, grabbing Klaus’s arm. “Come on, we’re going to figure this out!”

“Goodbye.” Klaus said blankly, and the siblings rushed away.

“Don’t say goodbye, Klaus, they’re villains.” Nick said as they ran out the door.

“She seems like a nice lady.” Klaus said.

Nick bit back a sharp reply, and instead glanced over his shoulder to make sure that Count Olaf and his associate, Dr Orwell, were not following them.

Then, he said, “I think Klaus knows what’s going on. But he won’t tell us in this state.”

“What do you mean, ‘in this state’?” Lilac asked, choking back tears.

As Solitude continued signing to Sunny, who finally started to understand, Nick said, “He told me, before we went in. In code. He thinks they're hypnotizing him.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

in which there is an accident at the Lumbermill

“Hypnosis,” Nick explained as he threw aside a debarker, “Might seem unlikely, but Klaus seems to think that’s what’s going on. You remember morse code?”

The siblings had ducked back into the lumbermill, and they were all keeping an eye on Klaus, who had been assigned to a log far from them. They were starting to wonder if that was on purpose.

“Vaguely.” Lilac said, while Violet nodded.

“He tapped it onto my hand,” Nick explained, “But now he’s hypnotized, he won’t be able to tell us anything, Orwell probably wouldn’t want him to.”

“Somnus?” Sunny asked, which meant, “Do you really think Dr Orwell has hypnotized him?”

“I’m certain.” Nick said. “Usually there’s a codeword to order them around- like if Orwell said ‘Nero, play the violin,’ and you could suddenly find yourself able to perfectly play the violin, even if you’ve never tried before. And there’s usually a word to break them of the hypnotism, in case the hypnotist thinks they’ll get caught.”

“So what’s the codeword?” Violet asked.

“It’s different.” Nick said. “We could read through a dictionary and try to find something.”

“That’ll take too long.” Lilac said.

“Do you have any suggestions?”

Lilac sighed, glancing worriedly over at Klaus, who was talking to the Foreman. “I don’t… I don’t know.”

“We need to do something.” Violet said desperately. “We can’t just… okay, here’s a plan. Nick, you memorize things. Let’s just repeat the exact conversation we had with him until he breaks.”

“I don’t remember it.” Nick said. “I memorize everything I read, not hear. Otherwise I’d be able to pay way more attention that one time Mom and Dad tried to put me in a classroom. Though, I guess it’s a good thing, since I don’t wanna memorize this noise.”

“Does it seem louder?” Violet asked.

“I swear to God it gets louder the longer we’re here.” Nick sighed.

“No, I mean… what’s that noise?” Violet said. “That stamping.”

They paused, and Lilac glanced towards the other log, freezing when she realized Klaus was no longer there. “Klaus?” she called. “Klaus!”

Nick and Violet picked up Solitude and Sunny, and Violet spotted their brother first. “There!” she called, pointing to a machine in the corner of the room. Several workers were sliding bundles of boards onto a mat, and the mchiine would bring a huge stone at the edge of a large metal arm down onto the boards with a thunderous stamp!, leaving the logo of Lucky Smells Lumbermill. And sitting at the controls of the machine was Klaus, who was staring blankly ahead as his hands worked several levers on a board ahead of him.

“Klaus!” Lilac shouted again, and the siblings ran to the machine.

They stopped just short of the workers, and Phil turned around, saying, “Hello, children! I didn’t know you were on stamping duty with us.”

“What’s Klaus doing with that machine?” Violet asked.

“Stamping the lumber, of course.” Phil said.

“No, we know that!” Nick said. “But Klaus wouldn’t operate a machine without reading the manual first!”

“Don’t you worry!” Phil said. “I’m sure he’ll be fine. He’s doing great!”

“Pick up the speed!” shouted Foreman Flacutono, and the workers pushed the lumber faster, and Klaus moved the machine faster.

“He should slow down!” Lilac said. “He’s never done this before!”

“Klaus, slow down!” Violet called, but Klaus didn’t appear to hear.

He kept moving the machine, and his siblings stepped back. Solitude cried quietly, Babbitt curled up against her, and Sunny covered her ears and buried her head in Violet’s arm.

Then something snapped, and they heard a call of, “Look out!” But the call was too late; the mechanical arm started swinging, and Lilac pushed her siblings back so forcefully that Nick and Violet fell to the ground, only barely avoiding falling on their younger siblings. Lilac jumped on top of them, throwing herself over them as they heard a loud crash.

After a second, Lilac sat up, and Violet and Nick whipped around, holding up Solitude and Sunny. Up ahead, they could see the wreckage of a stack of lumber, and on the mat had fallen Phil, whose left leg was now pinned under the machine arm.

“Whoa!” he shouted. “Half-price pedicures for life!”

“Wow.” said another worker. “I probably would’ve said something like, ‘Ow! My leg!’”

“Phil!” Lilac shouted. She and Nick ran forwards, with Nick slamming a hand over Solitude’s eyes. “What happened?”

“Oh, it’s no problem!” Phil said. “I’m sure it’ll be okay, soon as we move the arm-”

“Violet!” Nick shouted, and Lilac looked up only just in time to catch Sunny as the infant was tossed at her. Violet tied her hair up as she ran, and carefully dragged Klaus out of his seat. She looked at the board, and then ran to the side of the room, grabbing gum from a box. She chewed as she ran, and then she sat back in the seat and stuck the wad of sticky gum onto two snapped wires. Then she considered only a moment before pushing several levers, and slowly, the arm reached up.

“Holy fuck.” Nick said, and Lilac also covered Sunny’s eyes, even as the infant let out a screech of protest.

“Your leg’s been completely crushed!” said a worker.

“He’ll be fine.” said Foreman Flacutono, who walked up, somehow looking very cross even though he still had a mask on. “But look at this machine! It’s ruined!”

“What’s going on here?” Behind them, Sir entered the mill, his cloud of smoke following him, and Charles a few feet behind him. “What happened to our stamper?”

“Klaus Baudelaire wrecked it.” Foreman Flacutono gestured to the youngest Baudelaire boy, who was standing completely still, as if he saw nothing ahead of him. “He said he could operate the machine.”

“That’s not true!” Lilac shouted.

“Well, now I know that!” the Foreman said.

“I mean it was a mistake!” Lilac said. “Klaus shouldn’t have been put in charge of the machine, but the fact it operated wrong wasn’t his fault. He’s been hyp-”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Sir said. “You children are just like your parents, always causing trouble. And now we’re going to have to deal with a one-legged worker.”

“I have a half-price coupon for the local hospital.” said a worker. “If someone else chips in, we can send Phil so they can repair his leg.”

“Do what you must.” Sir said uncaringly. “But you chlidren listen to me: I do not want any more accidents in this mill.”

“Then listen to us!” Lilac said.

“Dr Orwell has-” Violet said.

“Oh! Dr Orwell!” said Charles brightly. “I’ve got an appointment with her in just a few minutes! Her receptionist called to remind me, I’d completely forgotten.”

“No!” Violet shouted.

“Charles-” Nick began.

“Children!” Sir shouted. “As I was saying, should another accident happen, I will have to send you away. Orwell’s receptionist told us all about how much she loves chlidren, and how she’d love some of her own to help her in her receptionist duties.”

“No!” Sunny shouted.

“Don’t be like that.” I said. “It’ll build character. Now, someone clean up that machine! We’ll need to work twice as hard to replace it, it cost an inordinate amount of resources.”

“Someone help Phil.” said a worker. “We’ll take him over to the hospital.”

Sir sighed and left, Charles following him before the children could warn him about his optometrist.

They then heard a quiet, “What’s going on?”

“Klaus!” Violet called, running to her brother and ripping the ribbon from her hair. “Are you okay?”

Klaus looked incredibly confused. “Why is everyone looking at me like I’ve done something terrible?” As Phil passed him, being helped by two workers, he cried, “What happened to Phil?”

Violet bit her lip, glancing at Lilac and Nick, who were both very stunned. Solitude whimpered a little, and Sunny reached out her arms so that Klaus could hold her.

“Let’s sneak out again and talk in the dorms.” Violet said.

She started to walk, only to hear Foreman Flacutono call, “Where do you midgets think you’re going?”

Before they could say anything, Solitude turned towards the Foreman, picked up Babbitt, and threw them at the man. As he let out a cry of surprise, the children took off running, with the frog hopping fast to catch up.

“Do you think I’m the only one who’s being hypnotized?” Klaus asked.

They were sitting in the dorms; Babbitt had finally caught up and was asleep on a pillow, while Solitude and Sunny sat beside them and watched their brother.

“I don’t know.” Lilac said. “It wouldn’t surprise me if everyone else was, which would explain why they never leave.”

“They seem less… robotic than Klaus.” Violet said.

“Maybe it’s a matter of how many times they’d been hypnotized, or how intense the hypnotism was.” Nick said.

“What did you two read about hypnotism?” Lilac asked the boys.

“Not much.” Klaus admitted. “I skimmed the books to look for fun stories, didn’t really look at how it worked.”

“Same.” said Nick.

“We need to go.” Violet said, staring at the ground. “Nothing here matters anymore, we need to get to safety.”

“And then what?” Klaus turned to her. “Olaf will find us again and find a way to hypnotize me again. And then who knows what he could make me do?”

“We’ll protect you.” Lilac promised.

“But what if he makes me try to hurt you?” Klaus said. “Like I hurt Phil.”

“That wasn’t your fault!” Nick said.

Klaus stood up. “I’m going to Dr Orwell’s.” he said.

“What?” Lilac also leapt to her feet. “No, no, you’re not-”

“I’m going to find out what she did to me.” Klaus said. “You said Charles is going over there? Maybe we can help him.”

“Klaus, no! No, you don’t-” Violet began.

“I’m going.” Klaus said. “We need to figure out what’s going on and how to stop it. I’ll be back soon.”

He turned and left, and his siblings stared at each other in silence for a moment. Then, slowly, Nick picked up Solitude, and Lilac picked up Sunny. The siblings all shared a look, and they all knew what they had to do.

Violet caught up to Klaus only a few feet outside the dorms, and she slid her hand into his. Nick took his other hand as he stopped, and Lilac quietly said, “Klaus, what’s that thing Samuel Beckett said?”

“I can’t go on.” Klaus quoted quietly. “I’ll go on.”

“Let’s go on.” Violet said. “Together.”

“Alright, so,” Lilac tied up her hair again, “We’re gonna sneak in the back.”

She knelt by the back door, pulling out a hairpins from her pocket and working on the lock. Nick grabbed tighter onto Klaus’s arm, and Violet said, “Okay, girls, we’re gonna need you to be quiet, okay?”

Solitude made a motion as if she was zipping her mouth shut, and Sunny nodded seriously.

“This door won’t unlock!” Lilac hissed. “It’s stuck!”

Nick glanced to the side, and then said, “I mean, we could take the stairs.”

“What stairs?” Lilac asked.

Nick handed Solitude to Klaus, walked over to some movable stairs that had been lifted up and stuck against a balcony, outside the Eye window. He jumped up and grabbed the edge, dragging it down to the ground.

“That’s way easier.” he said. “Come on.”

Lilac sighed, but pocketed her hairpins and gestured for her siblings to go up first. Nick grabbed onto Klaus’s arm as they climbed, and Solitude held out her arms so he could take her back from Klaus, who looked very nervous. Violet followed, holding Sunny as close to her as she could, and Lilac kept glancing behind them as she brought up the rear. Once they were all on the balcony, Violet moved up to the Eye-shaped window, finding that it was thankfully a door; she pushed it open, gesturing for her siblings to follow her inside.

“This is the office?” Nick whispered, looking around. The place was gray and small and very cold-looking, and a projector was flickering an eye chart against a screen, occasionally shifting to other pictures they couldn’t quite place. There was a chair facing away from the window, but before they could get a close enough look at it, they heard footsteps coming towards them.

“So sorry to keep you waiting!” called Orwell and, quickly, Klaus and Lilac gestured for their siblings to follow them up some stairs, where a closet door swung open. They ran quickly up onto the small balcony, pressing against the wall as Orwell moved into view, but they didn’t go into the closet quiet yet, in case she saw the movement as they ducked inside. Nick clutched Solitude so tight his knuckles went white.

“I had to make some preparations.” Orwell continued. She turned the chair slightly, and the Baudelaires could see her newest victim; Charles.

“Now, Charles,” Orwell said, “Look at the screen. See it?”

“Yes.” he said robotically. It was very unnerving; he usually emoted a lot more than this.

“Do you see the swirls?” Orwell asked, as the eye chart on the wall shifted to a swirling optical illusion. As it did, Klaus started to shake, his eyes going wide. Orwell continued, “Now, tell me. What do you see here?”

The picture shifted to one of the Baudelaires, standing by a log. The picture must have been taken while they were busy debarking.

“Orphans.” said Charles.

“Dangerous orphans.” Orwell corrected. “Charles, you and your partner will finally be happy once those orphans aren’t around.”

“We can finally be happy once those orphans aren’t around.” Charles repeated.

Klaus grabbed onto Lilac’s arm as he continued to tremble. He looked on the edge of a panic attack, tears springing to his eyes. Lilac glanced at Violet, who had her eyes shut and was hugging Sunny, who was staring down at Charles as if she could unhypnotize him with her gaze. Solitude struggled not to cry or make noise, while Nick had his eyes locked on the scene below them, his gaze unreadable.

“Won’t you want to help us get rid of these orphans?”

“I will help you get rid of these orphans.”

“Now, Charles,” Orwell continued, “You will awaken from your trance when I say the word-”

“Charles!” the Baudelaires jumped when they looked and saw Olaf entering the room. While he still wore the dress, he had abandoned the wig for the moment. “Would you like to do your impression of a chicken?”

Charles started making the noises that a chicken usually makes, and Orwell shouted, “I thought I told you to wait in the waiting room!”

“Did you? I must have forgotten.” Olaf said, strutting over to the chair. Violet backed against the wall, and Sunny looked like she would have hissed if she wasn’t trying to be quiet.

“Charles, would you like to stop?” Orwell said, annoyed.

Charles stopped, and Nick clenched his fists, looking prepared to leap off the balcony and start fighting the adults by himself. Lilac gestured for them to go, but Violet and Klaus shook their heads, staring down.

“Can’t I say the secret word?” Olaf said. “I’d like to practice.”

“Why? So you won’t need me anymore?” Orwell snapped.

“Someone has trust issues.”

“Of course I do! I dated you!”

“Charles,” Olaf said in a high-pitched, feminine voice, “Would you like to tell Georgina to stop bringing up the past?”

“Stop bringing up the past.” said Charles.

“Charles,” Georgina said, “Would you like to tell Olaf to stop using that voice?”

“Stop using that voice.”

Klaus shook some more, and Nick’s eyes narrowed, his face going white.

“You drank all of my wine.” Olaf said.

“You tried to poison me!” Georgina said.

“You tried to hypnotize me!”

“It was the only way to shut you up!”

Solitude finally couldn’t stop herself; she let out a low whimper. Olaf and Georgina froze, and as they did, Lilac quickly pushed the closet open and dragged her siblings inside, closing the door just enough that it wouldn’t look like anyone was hiding in there.

“What was that?” came Olaf’s voice.

“Nothing.” Georgina said.

“If there’s nothing up there, then what was that noise?”

They continued to bicker and argue, and Solitude shut her eyes and buried her face in Nick’s shoulder. Sunny glanced around the closet, pointing to a box at the edge. Slowly, Klaus crawled over to it, opening it carefully and flipping through.

“Records.” he whispered.

“Timbales?” Sunny asked. “Any Tito Puente?”

“Egieb?” Solitude asked. “Or Duke Ellington?”

“Not those kinds of records.” he whispered back. “Medical records. Eye exams. For the whole mill.”

“Everyone’s hypnotized.” Violet whispered.

“We need to find the word that will break them.” Lilac said.

Nick didn’t say anything. Instead, he listened at the door. Solitude also pressed her ear to the door, and after a moment, she whispered, “Tixe,” which meant, “They’re leaving. We can go.”

“Why would she need Charles to help her?” Violet asked, reaching to push back her hair. “Sir’s already going to hand us over the second something bad happens.”

“Clearly she needs Charles to help her cause an accident and blame it on us.” Lilac said. She carefully pushed the door open, and led her siblings out, towards the window and the exit. “We’ll need to be careful.”

“We need to leave.” Violet said sadly. “We need to protect Klaus.”

“We can’t do that forever.” Klaus repeated. “We need to stop Orwell.”

They walked out onto the balcony, climbing down the stairs, and Lilac said, “Klaus. We can’t let her do that to you again.”

“I’ll be more careful.” Klaus said quietly. “We need to help the mill workers.”

“Ionary,” Sunny said, which probably meant something like, “Maybe we can say random words until they wake up.”

As they reached the bottom of the stairs, they realized that Nick had been uncharacteristically quiet.

“Nick?” Violet glanced over at him. “Something up?”

Nick, very silent, held Solitude a bit closer. Then he spoke, and his voice sounded very broken.

“Klaus. Is that what they did to you?”

Klaus shut his eyes, and then said, “I don’t know.”

Nick grabbed his brother’s hand, and gripped it very, very tight.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

in which Sunny has a Swordfight

The Baudelaires returned to the dorms, and Nick and Klaus sat at the table for a few moments, reciting random words to see if they were the secret word to awaken the mill workers, but all they did was awaken them from sleep and get yelled at. Violet pulled out some of the papers they’d received in their welcome packets and they started writing out some notes, of everything Klaus remembered about hypnosis, and every word Nick could remember them saying to Klaus to wake him up, and Violet and Lilac wrote everything they could remember about the Mill. After a few minutes of Sunny and Soli providing moral support, Lilac placed them on Nick’s bunk, and they fell asleep besides Babbitt, who hadn’t awoken since they left for Dr Orwell’s.

After a while, Lilac and Nick fell asleep on their papers. Violet went out next, and Klaus struggled to stay awake, continuing to write anything in the corners of his mind from the few books he read on hypnotism.

He was so focused, that he didn’t notice someone enter the dorm until he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Baudelaire.” said Charles. “Would you like to come with me?”

“Lilac! Lilac!”

Lilac groggily blinked open her eyes, yawning slightly. “Not now, Nick.”

“Lilac, please! I can’t find Klaus!”

Lilac sat up sharply, staring at the dorms of the mill, still dark around them. Nick was next to her, looking ready to cry. Violet was by the bed, shaking Sunny awake as a tired Solitude was trying to awaken Babbitt.

“Where’s Klaus?” Lilac asked.

“I don’t know!” Nick cried. “I don’t know! I heard a- the wind hit the window, and it blasted open and hit the wall and- or something, and- and I woke up, and Klaus was gone…”

Lilac glanced around, pushing back a braid, which had gotten messy when she slept. “Don’t panic.” she said, panicking. “We’ll find him. We need to… we’ll start at Orwell’s, and then-”

“We could split up.” Violet said. “Sunny and I can search the Mill, Nick and Soli can look in the Library-”

“Would you shut up?” called a worker, who sat up on a bunk. “Can’t you children be quiet?”

“We can’t find our brother, we won’t shut up til he’s back with us!” Violet shouted.

“He left with Charles.” the worker said. “He was just as loud as you, but Charles took him to his eye appointment.”

The siblings froze. “How long ago was this?” Lilac asked.

“I dunno. Who cares?”

“Oh no.” Violet shuddered.

Nick let out a small cry, and Solitude started to wail, waking up Babbitt, who immediately leapt onto her shoulder and pressed themself against her neck to try and comfort her.

Lilac leapt to her feet, grabbing Nick’s hand. “Grab Solitude.” she said. “Chances are they’ll be done hypnotizing him by now. We need to find out where he is.”

“Ubi?” Sunny asked. “Where could he be?”

Lilac took a deep breath. “We’ll have to listen for the sounds of an accident.”

They saw the lights on in the mill as soon as they walked out of the dorms, and Solitude pointed towards it, saying, “Klaus?”

They took off running, and as soon as they reached the door, Violet kicked it open, racing inside and dropping Sunny onto a pile of extra clothing in the corner. The others ran in, just in time to hear Violet shout, “Get away from him!”

Inside, Klaus was standing, frighteningly still and almost unblinking, at a large lever. He was pushing it, which seemed to control some kind of treadmill that held a log,  heading straight for a circular saw, intended to split it in half. Strapped to the log was a frighteningly still and almost unblinking Charles, and besides the log was Count Olaf, once again dressed as Shirley St Ives, and Foreman Flacutono, now without his helmet; they could now clearly see that he was the bald man with the long nose.

“Son of a bitch.” Nick said, once he processed the scene.

“Ah, Baudelaires.” said Olaf. “So good of you to show up. We will need witnesses to this accident.”

“Klaus, wake up!” Lilac called.

“That’s not going to work.” Olaf groaned. “Aren’t you supposed to be smarter than that?”

“Lucky boy,” said the bald man, “Would you like to push the treadmill faster?”

“Yes, sir.” said Klaus.

Violet suddenly snapped up, and said, “Lucky boy, push the treadmill back!”

“Yes, sir.” said Klaus, and he pushed the lever back, and Charles’s log moved backwards, away from the slicer.

Olaf glared at Violet, as Nick placed Solitude next to Sunny and told her to stay put. Olaf yelled, “Lucky boy, push the lever forwards!”

“Lucky boy, push the lever back!” Lilac shouted.

“Lucky, forwards!”

“Lucky, back!” Nick shouted.

“Lucky!” came a sharp call, and they looked up to see Orwell, walking in through the back door, holding a very long and very sharp sword. “Don’t listen to your siblings.”

Surprisingly, Olaf looked displeased. “I told you to wait in the waiting room!” he said.

“Did you?” Orwell smirked, standing beside him, swinging her sword. “I forgot.”

“Let our brother go!” Violet shouted.

“Once we’ve split Charles in half,” Georgina said, “Klaus can do whatever he wants. When Sir finds out his partner’s been killed, he’ll send you to us faster than you can say Lucky. Speaking of which- Lucky, push Charles into that saw.”

“Yes, sir.” said Klaus.

“Snap!” Sunny shouted. “We need to find the word that will break Klaus from his trance!”

“Wake up, you fucking idiot!” Nick shouted. “Klaus! Klaus, please, talk to us!”

“That’s useless.” Orwell said.

“You and your siblings will be fired before you know it,” said the Bald Man, “And-”

“Shut up!” Orwell hissed suddenly, and the siblings found out why when Charles blinked and suddenly let out a cry of confusion.

“What’s going on?” he called. “Where am I?”

Nick repeated under his breath, “You and your siblings will be fired before you know it,” going over the sentence in his head.

“Oh, wonderful!” Olaf shouted. “Now he’s awake!” He turned to Orwell. “This is why I should have picked the secret word! I wouldn’t have picked something as obvious as-”

“Don’t say it!” Orwell hissed again.

“Come on! It’s a big event in the town history, I’m surprised they haven’t said it before-”

Nick and Violet widened their eyes at the same time, and Violet raced to the Foreman’s booth, where she quickly spotted a button that would link her to the speakers. She hit it, and screamed, “Fire! Fire! Fire!”

It is usually unwise to yell fire when there is none, but Violet doesn’t care. The Bald Man raced to the booth, grabbing the back of her shirt and dragging her back out.

“Let her go!” Lilac shouted, and to everyone’s surprise, she raced forwards and kicked the man in the legs.

“Hell yeah!” Nick yelled, and he ran forwards to join her.

As he did, Sunny and Soli crawled across the floor as fast as they could, Babbitt hopping away after Soli whispered a little to him. They moved to the log that was slowly inching towards the saw, and they crawled up and began to bite at it, trying to rip it apart. Charles started to shout and wriggle against the log as the toddlers continued to bite.

“Let go of our sister!” Lilac pulled at the Bald Man’s arm, but quickly, Olaf moved forwards and ripped her away. Nick took a cue from his little sisters and tried to bite onto the Bald Man’s hand as Violet kicked and screamed, hoping to draw as much attention from someone who may be outside as she could.

Georgina started towards the children, pointing out her sword. Sunny spotted her, whispered something to Soli, and then threw herself towards the woman. And, to everyone’s astonishment, she blocked the way to her siblings and caught the edge of the sword with her teeth.

“Holy shit, Sun.” Nick muttered, as Georgina groaned and pulled the sword back. She swung it again, only for Sunny to block again.

“Let go of me!” Lilac screeched, kicking at Olaf and desperately trying to break away, as Nick and Violet continued fighting the Bald Man.

“Why are you doing this?” Violet shouted. “Why do you hate us so much?”

“Because it’s fun!” Olaf said.

Sunny continued to swordfight Orwell with her teeth, and Solitude continued to bite into the ropes, and the older siblings continued to fight as Klaus kept pushing.

“Fire!” Violet screamed. “Klaus, fire!”

“Do you really think,” Orwell asked, swinging her sword at the youngest Baudelaire, “That we’d hypnotize your brother with the same words we used for the mill workers?”

“Klaus!” Nick begged. “Stop it!”

“Lucky, stop it!” Lilac screamed, kicking at Olaf’s feet to try and get away from him.

Klaus did not move.

“We need to think of the word!” Violet shouted. “What was said both times he snapped out?”

“You!” Nick shouted, thinking of random words from the fragmentary conversations he could remember. “Wood! Log! Miss! Accident?”

For a moment, Lilac stopped moving, stopped fighting for just a second as something hit her. Miss… Klaus, we miss you… this machine cost…

“Klaus!” Lilac screeched. “Inordinate! Inordinate, Klaus, inordinate!”

Klaus blinked, and then suddenly let out a startled shout.

“Oh, son of a-” Georgina said, once again swinging for Sunny and getting blocked by her sharp teeth.

Klaus realized what was happening and ripped the lever back, momentarily stopping the treadmill, though the saw still buzzed threateningly. Solitude crawled onto the top of the log to bite harder onto the rope.

“How do these children know a word like ‘inordinate’?” Orwell huffed.

“They’re book addicts.” Olaf said. “They know too many words for their own good.”

Solitude finally bit through the rope, and Charles sat up, picking up the toddler. She held out her hands, waiting for Babbitt to leap up to her.

“Let go of my siblings!” Klaus yelled, looking down at Olaf and the Bald Man.

He started down the stairs, and Lilac shouted, “Klaus, no! Stay up there, you’re safer!”

“I’m not leaving you to them!” Klaus yelled, looking around for a weapon, as if he would be any use with one.

“Well,” Olaf said darkly, “If there won’t be an accident with Charles at the lumbermill, perhaps one of you brats will do. Which one of you wants to be our accident today?”

“Let go of me and my siblings!” Lilac screamed, sounding terrified. “Get anywhere near them and I’ll tear you apart!”

“You are in no position to make threats,” Olaf said, and he pulled on her hair until she let out a pained cry. “Perhaps you’ll be our victim for the day.”

“You will not hurt these children!” Charles said, stepping closer to the adults, though he kept glancing bewilderingly at Sunny and Orwell, still swordfighting, moving closer towards the treadmill and buzzing slicer.

“You will not stop us.” Olaf said, gripping tighter onto Lilac, who started to freeze up, tears streaming quietly down her face. “Although, you know, we’d love to throw one of the infants to the furnace instead of the older ones. They’re much more intolerable.”

Klaus reached onto the ground, picking up a large strip of bark that had fallen from the treadmill. It wasn’t thick enough to hurt, but it might be sharp enough to distract. He glanced between Olaf and the Bald Man; the Bald Man looked less likely to move, but he was closer to the dangerous, spinning saw. He glanced towards Orwell, who was the closest to it, and who was also getting dangerously close to Sunny. Solitude started wailing in Charles’s arms, and Babbitt chirped angrily.

“You’ll never get our fortune!” Nick shouted, grabbing tight onto Violet’s arm to try and rip her away from the Bald Man.

Georgina looked furious. “As if this is all about some fortune!” she shouted, swinging her sword and only barely missing the infant Baudelaire’s cheeks. “As if you don’t know what this is about, what with your parents’ role in-”

At that moment, the doors swung open. Georgina gasped, looking up at a swarm of very awake, very pissed, and very un-hypnotized mill workers.

She gasped again, and stepped back, as Olaf, in surprise, released his grip on Lilac. Georgina then and lost her balance, and fell towards the Saw.

Sunny shut her eyes and crawled away before Georgina hit, and Solitude turned her attention to the Bald Man, screaming, “Yeet!” and tossing Babbitt at him. Babbitt, prepared for this by now, let out a loud screeching noise as they landed on his face, and as the Bald Man shouted, Babbitt leapt onto Nick’s shoulder. Nick and Violet ripped themselves away from Olaf’s henchperson, and Lilac grabbed their arms, dragging them into the crowd of mill workers and wrapping her arms around them. Klaus ran quickly after them, and Lilac put her arm behind him, pushing him into the crowd.

The sounds that came as Georgina hit the saw were not pleasant ones, and Lilac held her siblings so tight they thought she might break them. By the time it was safe to look up, Olaf and the Bald Man had vanished. Sunny crawled over to Lilac’s legs and buried her face in the fabric. Solitude stretched out her arms, and Charles brought her over to her siblings, as pale and shaken as everyone else.

“What’s all this?” they heard Sir call, from behind the doors of the mill, looking upon all the mill workers. “I don’t think I ever assigned overtime, but I approve!”

The workers were silent for a moment, and then one man shouted, “What do we want?”

“Freedom!” shouted the workers, and they charged out.

The only ones who didn’t move were the Baudelaires. Solitude was taken by Nick, who held her very tight, and then Nick ran over to Klaus, hugging him, too, as if he might disappear again if he let go. Lilac shivered, trying not to look at the saw, and she put an arm around Violet. Violet looked like she wanted to tell her sister to let her go, but instead she just shut her eyes and put a head on her shoulder. Charles opened his mouth to say something, but whatever he wanted to say, he decided against it.

Instead, they all just stood together in silence for a very long time.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER THIRTY

Epilogue - in which the Baudelaires are enrolled in a School

“Baudelaires, I hope you know I am very disappointed in you.”

The Baudelaires sat on the steps of Lucky Smells Lumbermill, trying not to look at Mr Poe, who stood above them coughing into his handkerchief.

“Running away from the executor of your parents’ estate?” Poe said. “Enrolling in a dangerous job? Acting like Count Olaf was running around in a dress?”

“He was.” Nick said.

“Don’t be daft, Nicholas.”

“My name is Nick.” said Nick sharply.

“Of course it is.” Poe coughed. “Now, children, say goodbye to your friends- where is the owner of this mill? I have some words for him for exploiting our poor child labor laws.”

“He disappeared.” Violet explained. “Ran from the angry workers who decided they didn’t want to get paid in coupons.”

“I had a secretary once who requested pay in coupons.” Poe said. “I don’t believe she knew much about money, which is a strange quality in a banker’s assistant. I will be right back, let me at least find your things.”

He walked away, and as he did, Charles approached. “I’m sorry to see you go, children.” he said softly. “And I’m sorry I was not a good guardian, though I was never an official one.”

“It’s alright, Charles.” Lilac said.

“We weren’t supposed to be here anyway.” Violet said glumly.

“Well…” Charles said hesitantly. “You should at least have this. Sir stuffed it in his desk.”

Charles handed Violet a ripped piece of paper. Then he gave them a smile and wished them luck, and walked off to try and talk to the frustrated workers, who were trying to form a union.

Violet unfolded the paper, smiling at the page from The History of Lucky Smells Lumbermill. “The Baudelaires were unequivocally responsible,” she read, “For putting out the fire and helping the survivors get back on their feet.”

She smiled at her siblings, and they smiled back at her. Babbitt poked their head out from Solitude’s pocket, and they let out a little chirp. Solitude giggled, petting their head, and Violet put her head on Lilac’s shoulder, and Nick put his arm around Klaus, and Sunny crawled over to Soli in order to say hello to Babbitt.

“So,” Lilac asked, staring out the window, “What’s our next guardian’s name?”

They were squeezed back into Poe’s car, once again dressed in clothes the Poes had bought for them, watching the fields go by as they drove. They had gotten in the car very early that morning, as they apparently had a long drive.

“Next guardian?” Poe coughed. “Oh, no, I couldn’t find a single person willing to take you in after what happened to your last guardians. But I have a place to put you until I can convince someone. It’s a lovely school, one of my associates just dropped off two twin orphans there a few weeks ago. I’ve always wanted to go to a boarding school!  You’ll get uniforms and classmates and get to share rooms!”

“We’ve shared rooms before.” Nick said bitterly. “And public school sucks.”

“Private school.” Poe corrected.

“That’s worse.” Nick groaned, sliding down his seat in a very unsafe way.

“How long will we be there?” Klaus asked quietly, holding Sunny closely as she slept on his lap.

“Hopefully not long, but I do hope you will behave yourselves, and that you won’t run away to a lumbermill.” Poe said.

“Lumbermills suck, too.” Violet said.

“Froggy.” Solitude added helpfully. Babbitt chirped from her pocket.

“What was that noise?” Poe asked.

“Nothing.” Lilac said.

“Oh, alright.” Poe shrugged, and continued driving.

As they pulled into the driveway of the school, Poe said, “Here’s some fun trivia for you children: the designer of this school was severely depressed.”

“Mood.” said Nick.

Outside them, small buildings were built in the rough shape of tombstones, made of dark gray stone. Students in drab uniforms walked around, barely glancing their way. Sunny had awoken, and was playing with Klaus’s spyglass, flipping it in her tiny hands and occasionally biting the edge when Klaus wasn’t looking. Violet pretended to sleep on Nick’s shoulder, while he watched out the window.

Poe parked the car, and the children walked out. They jumped back when a little girl, shorter than all of the oldest four children, rushed past, splashing through a mud puddle. “Out of my way, cakesniffers!” she shouted, almost hitting them with the dirt.

“What an adorable girl.” Poe said as he exited the car, coughing into his handkerchief.

Nick glared at her, gripping tight onto Klaus with one arm and Solitude with another. Lilac took Sunny from Klaus, and Poe said, “We’ll find you the bathrooms, children, and you can change into your uniforms.”

They went into the building, and Nick walked up to the first student he came across. “If I was a bathroom,” he asked, “Where would I be?”

The girl gave him a sullen look, and then said, “Two rights, a left.”

“Thank you.” Violet said.

The girl rolled her eyes, and her friend called for her, and she left. The children found the bathrooms, and Poe gave them bags of uniforms, including some tiny ones for Solitude and Sunny. They ducked into the bathrooms as fast as they could, not wanting to be separate for long.

Nick and Klaus changed in the boys’ bathroom, and when they came out of the stalls, Klaus asked, “Can you tie my tie?”

“Do it yourself.” Nick said.

“I can’t.” Klaus said. “That’s why I asked.”

They jumped when another stall opened, and a boy came out. He glanced at the boys, and he said, “Are you two new?”

“First day.” Nick said.

Klaus stared at the boy a moment, a little flustered, though he wasn’t sure why. The boy looked at him, and then he said, “I’d help you with your tie, but I can’t tie mine without some trouble. My sister usually helps.”

“So does mine.” Klaus admitted.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, my brother’s useless.” Nick shrugged.

“I’m not!” Klaus protested.

Nick punched his shoulder playfully, and Klaus stumbled slightly. His half-spyglass fell from his pocket, clattering onto the ground. “Great job, asshole!” Klaus shouted, leaning down and picking up the spyglass.

“You’re the one who’s a klutz!” Nick said.

Neither twin noticed the other boy, who was staring at the spot where the spyglass had fallen on the ground, nor did they notice him run out to find his sister.

When they came out of the bathroom, Violet had to tie Klaus’s tie for him, and Nick helped Solitude find a pocket to hide Babbitt inside.

“Your new Vice Principal is waiting for you in his office. You will wait for him on the bench outside.” Poe said, taking them down a hall. “And I will see you once I have found a guardian. Please behave yourselves as you would at a normal school.”

“Our normal school burned down with our parents inside.” Nick said.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Nicholas,” Poe said, “Your home burned down with your parents inside.”

Nick give Lilac a pleading can we kill him? look, and she sternly shook her head.

“Well, I wish you luck.” Poe said, and he left them alone.

Lilac sat on the bench first, seating Sunny on her lap. Klaus sat beside her, and Nick squeezed in beside him, grabbing onto his arm tightly as Solitude sat on his lap, patting her pet in her pocket. Violet sat last, beside her brothers, staring into nothing.

“When do you think Poe will come back?” Klaus asked, pulling the spyglass out of his pocket to fiddle with.

“Klaus.” Violet said quietly. “We’re on our own.”

They all fell silent, and then Sunny looked up at Lilac. She was still tired, and she whispered, “Browning?” which meant something similar to, “Will you sing us to sleep?”

Lilac shut her eyes, gripping onto Klaus’s hand, and she put her other arm around Sunny, and she nodded.

“You might think that the Baudelaires ought to prevail, and be tucked someplace all safe and sound.”

She was changing the words slightly to an old tune they used to hear on the radio when they were bored, and on a music box that was given to the boys when they were toddlers by a relative they hadn’t liked much before she was trampled by horses, and playing in a coffeeshop their Father had to duck into one time they were heading to the train station to pick up their Mother from a journey.

“Count Olaf captured and rotting in jail, his henchpeople nowhere around.”

But while the radio and the horses and the coffeeshop and train station all remained, the music box had been lost long before the fire- Lilac and Violet had ripped it apart to use its parts for the a baby mobile they’d made for Solitude before she was born.

“But there’s no happy endings, not here and not now; this tale is all sorrows and woes.”

The relative was gone, too. The train they took no longer went to the destination their Mother had been at.

“You dream that justice and peace win the day, but that’s not how the story goes.”

Their Father and Mother were gone, too.

“You might think that two parents, both brave and both true, would live to a nice ripe old age. But I’m sad to say I have bad news for you, the curtain rings down on the stage.”

Violet opened her mouth, and so did Klaus, and they sang along with their big sister.

“Yes, there’s no happy endings, not here and not now. This tale is all sorrows and woes. You dream that justice and peace win the day…”

Nick joined in, and Solitude hummed slightly as she cuddled up against him.

“But that’s not how the story goes.”

The siblings fell silent, and it was just Lilac again.

“I once loved a girl, and she thought well of me, we thought we’d be happy together. But now I’m alone, as you can well see, and she’s cold in her grave forever.”

Lilac shut her eyes. Too many people were cold in their graves forever. Mother. Father. Uncle Monty and his assistant, Gustav. Aunt Josephine- if she had a grave at all- and her dear husband Ike. Soon, Georgina Orwell would be, too, though they didn’t miss her like they did the others. Still… her death was their fault. It was all their fault.

Nick sang the next line, when Lilac did not.

“There’s no happy endings, not here and not now.”

Klaus and Violet sang the next.

“This tale is all sorrows and woes.”

Then it was just Violet, her voice broken slightly.

“You might dream that justice and peace win the day, but that’s not how the story goes.”  

Solitude had fallen asleep, as well as Babbitt, and as they both snored slightly against Nick, he sang quietly, “The world is a pair of ill-fitting pants, and other dire, hideous clothes.”

Lilac finally sang again, and Klaus and Violet joined in, and all the oldest children sang, “You might think that six children would lead pleasant lives, but that’s not how the story goes.”

“Some people smile at the end of the day,” Klaus put his head on Nick’s shoulder.

“Some people laugh, I suppose,” Nick put his head against his brother’s, shutting his eyes.

“But for me,” Violet shut her eyes so her siblings couldn’t see her tears, “There’s nothing but gloom and despair.”

“That’s just how the story goes.” Lilac hugged Sunny close, as Sunny started to whistle quietly, kicking her legs, not quite understanding the song that was making her siblings cry.

And together, they all said, “That’s just how the story goes.”