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“Dad?” Kade had apparently lost interest in arm wrestling with Cody. “Daddy!”
Charlie Burns stopped but hesitated to turn around. Hearing a five-year-old Kade was bad enough, seeing him would just be… nausea inducing levels of disconcerting.
Kade saw the man’s back stiffen. “Oh.” His little voice was disappointed, then went dejected. “I’m sorry.”
Taking a deep breath, Charlie turned around to find the redhead staring at his shoes. “No, it’s okay, Kade. What do you need?”
“I just…” Charlie could see the child hunting for a reasonable necessity. He shrugged, giving up. “Nothing.” Kade turned around. “I don’t need anything.” He tipped his head back, pushing his fingers into his hair. Charlie recognized the move as Kade’s way of not wiping his eyes. His child was trying not to cry, keeping his hair from getting caught in his damp lashes.
Kade was five, Charlie reminded himself. Whatever he wanted was probably nothing to cry over, he just didn’t have the emotional control of an adult. He almost took Kade at his word, going so far as to stand up before feeling guilty. “What did you want, Kade?”
“Nothing,” Kade said firmly, nearly stomping his foot. “I don’t want anything. Dinner’s in two hours. Doc Greene has bananas. I’m perfectly fine.”
This was about food? But Kade was walking away, his little body stiff from elbows to ankles, trying very hard not to show his hurt. Kade never got hurt over food. And he’d been raiding the refrigerator since he was in diapers. This was not about food.
Charlie sighed, disappointed in himself. “Kade Burns,” he said solidly, stopping the child in his tracks. The father of four felt lower than dirt; Kade was trembling. “Turn around,” he commanded as his other children and Frankie slunk curiously out of the garage. Charlie dropped to one knee, and dropped the act, quickly becoming as inviting as possible. “What did you want, baby?”
Kade didn’t fall for it. He stayed right where he was, staring at his borrowed shoes. His little hands clenched, holding on to all the emotions he could barely control.
“Come here,” Charlie coaxed. Kade did as instructed, stopping when he could see his father’s boots with his downturned gaze. Tipping his chin up, Charlie carefully examined his child’s face. It was dry, but Kade’s eyes were fuchsia with barely contained stress. “You wanted something, Kade. I’m done being a jerk. What was it?”
“A hug,” he admitted, as if Charlie was physically pulling the words from his child’s mouth. Then he whispered, “To be picked up.”
That he could do. “Oh, Kade.” Charlie wrapped the boy in his arms, standing and carrying him around the side of the building. Privacy, because Kade had never gotten this worked up about a cuddle, even as an infant. “What else?”
Kade cuddled close and didn’t answer for a very long time. Finally, the started picking at a loose stitch on his father’s shirt. “I was really mean to Cody today.”
Kade was frequently mean to Cody, though as an older brother himself, Charlie understood completely. This must be something else. “Did you apologize?”
“I was too angry.”
Fair enough. “What did Cody do to make you angry?”
Kade’s gray eyes were sad and distant, looking across his father’s chest at the trees. Charlie suddenly felt very sure his son was wishing for his mother. “It wasn’t really Cody, but I was already mad at him.” Kade sighed like even his lungs were heavy. “It was Hayley. She saw Cody and started flirting with him. He didn’t like it, I don’t think he really understood what was going on.” Oh, wow, Charlie could only imagine.
He decided not to address the issue, as far as he knew, things weren’t particularly serious with Hayley, yet. “Why were you already mad at Cody?”
“He…” Kade stopped to think. “He kept questioning me. And insulting me. And Dani and Graham and Heatwave kept backing him. And then the stupid rocket blew up, and Hayley, and… That’s a kid in there, Dad. I thought I was going to have to hurt him to stop him.” Kade shoved his fingers into his hair again.
“Uh… Blew up?” Charlie knew it wasn’t the important part, now, but he was a bit stuck.
Kade hooked his chin over his father’s shoulder. “Mister Cullen botched a rocket launch. There’s a dent.”
“A dent?”
“Car sized.”
Charlie managed not to squeeze Kade, but it was a near thing. “Is everyone okay?”
“Bots took the brunt of it. Hayley took the brunt of Cody. She seemed to like it.” Kade’s voice sounded dead.
It worried Charlie. Every fiber of his being was screaming at him to hum Aruba Jamaica and rock from foot to foot, but somehow, he resisted. What had comforted Kade as a child would only hurt him now. As odd child out, Kade had often sought the shelter of his mother, spent far more time with her than his siblings. Charlie missed his wife every day, but in this moment the wound reopened. He had no idea how long it would take to close. He refused to reopen it in Kade. He swallowed convulsively, wondering where to go from here.
“I miss Mama.” The whisper was almost carried away on the breeze. Charlie would have missed it if his son’s mouth hadn’t been so close to his ear. Maybe he was wrong about the song and dance, but Kade saved him from wondering. He turned around, capturing his father’s eyes from his perch on his hip. “We’re not mad at each other anymore. I don’t know if I should apologize, now. I kind of already did, but…” He trailed off, obviously not sure why he still felt guilty.
Charlie had a good guess. Kade was a true believer in the power of apology, but his lack of eloquence often caused them to be thrown back in his face. Feeling that he hadn’t properly completed an apology left Kade sick to his stomach. Over time, he’d developed a preference for avoiding them altogether. Things got pretty rough with Graham. Cody was a different story all together. Usually, Kade subjected him to arbitrary standards he couldn’t really argue. He’d try anyway, because Kade tolerated that where their father and siblings didn’t, but it had likely all been turned against him today. That would have set him on his heels and made the incident with Hayley all the more rattling. “Does Cody know why you were so angry?”
“I don’t think so.” At least Kade was honest.
“Why does Cody think you were mad at him?”
“Because he was trying to take my place.” Kade pressed his heart against his fathers, once again hooking his chin over the man’s shoulder.
That would have cut deep, especially if half the team supported him. “Was he trying to take your place?”
Kade thought for a very long time. “Not really,” he conceded, then explained, “He was trying to prove he deserved to be a full member of the team, and that I was wrong.”
Wow. Charlie blinked, struggling to wrap his mind around the situation. He remembered the first time Kade had shoved him into a chair on the fire grounds. ‘Dad, I got this.’ He’d felt like Kade thought he was old and useless, but then his son had let himself in through a basement window instead of the front door and walked out with a toddler Charlie was sure he wouldn’t have gotten to in time. Kade was an expert ventilator, even back then, Charlie just hadn’t known it. And he’d been furious, but so shocked he’d stayed put. It might genuinely have come to blows if Kade had been wrong.
And Cody had definitely been wrong. Obviously wrong from the very beginning, but Dani and Graham had taken his side anyway. The siblings liked to gang up on Kade, but this was a whole new level. Kade was in for a rough ride when Cody turned eighteen.
There was a thought. “Kade, how big were you when this happened?”
“Normal size.” Charlie could hear Kade distancing himself from the situation. He was obviously reliving the hurt. “He was pretty nice about me getting shrunk, though.”
Of course, he was. Cody was nice in general. Most of the time. And the power dynamic would have shifted heavily in his favor. He could afford to be magnanimous. “Well, that’s good,” Charlie said noncommittally. “Kade?” The boy hummed in acknowledgement. “Do you think I would have gotten mad at you, if you did the things Cody did today?”
“Yeah.” Kade turned around again. “But Cody’s a kid, he…”
“Doesn’t know better?” Charlie suggested. Kade’s sheepish expression confirmed that was exactly the excuse that hadn’t felt right. “Cody has a very good idea of what he’s doing. For a child. He isn’t trained and has very little experience. All the more reason he should listen to you.” Charlie made sure he had full eye contact. “You had every right to feel the way you did. If you don’t need an apology from Cody, I would let this whole thing go.”
Kade’s lips pursed in consternation. “What about Hayley?”
“That has everything to do with Hayley and nothing to do with Cody.” He looked out toward town, wondering if the relationship was worth salvaging. “I think you need to have a very serious conversation with Hayley about commitment and boundaries before you even think about forgiving her.” Kade made a distressed noise. Charlie continued quickly. “I know it’s easier to be angry at Cody, because you know he loves you and he’ll forgive you, but right now you hold the forgiveness, not Hayley.”
“Are you sure?” Kade tucked himself back over Charlie’s shoulder.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Okay.” Kade’s words were mushy, like a tired little boy. He was probably emotionally exhausted.
Charlie carried him up to his bed. Seconds after he shut the door, he heard Kade get up and turn on Aruba Jamaica. Kade’s little voice was wet as he sang along with his mother, the Surf Boys relegated to backup singers. Charlie covered his face with one hand and slid down the wall, allowing himself to cry over the missing half of his heart for the first time in a very long time.
“Daddy?” Kade was suddenly there, head tilted and eyes watery.
“Kade?” Charlie hastily scrubbed the tears from his face with the heels of his hands. “Baby? What is it?”
“Can I have another hug?”
Charlie took the offer for what it was. He scooped Kade into his arms, disappearing into the darkened bedroom. His wife’s voice sang My Message to You as he collapsed into Kade’s bed, holding his son tight. Kade didn’t mention the strength of his father’s grip, accepting his role as singing teddy bear with simple grace. Listening to the strains of That’s the Reason played and sung by his wife and oldest son just days before her death, and accompanied by the child in his arms, Charlie fell asleep.