Work Text:
[NOTT, TALKING TO CALIANNA]
I’m majoring in Illusion magic, myself
[CALEB]
Oh, no, no no.
Bad idea, trust me. Being a wizard is the worst .
Now stand back and let me tell you my tale of woe.
[CALEB]
Fifteen years old, pretty smart kid
Knew exactly what I wanted to do
So my whole town helped me
And just like that
Got accepted to the Academy
Everyone said it was a real safe bet
A prestigious and lucrative vocation
So I set off on a journey
To become a wizard
Without a moment’s hesitation
But here’s some free advice I’m givin’
When it comes to decidin’ what to do
for a livin’
Don’t be a wizard!
Don’t do it
Quickest way to ruin your life
Don’t be a wizard!
Not worth it!
It’ll leave you dead inside
The job is inherently crappy
That’s why you’ve never met a wizard
who’s happy
It’s a guaranteed soul destroyer
Don’t be a wizard
Constant fret
Daily regret
Is that really what you dreamed as a
kid?
Or did you hope one day
That you’d find a way
To spend two years workin’ to kill
The dissidents of the Dwendalian Empire
And then later your very own parents?
Your only expertise
Is killin’ traitors
Usin’ your magic for murder
But it’s not too late
To avoid this fate
Find any other job to pick
Sure, your parents might think you’re
a failure
But no one’s ever said, “First, let’s kill
all the clerics.”
Don’t be a lawyer!
I’m serious, it really, really sucks
Don’t be a lawyer!
No one you work with looks like Mary
Lavorre
There are so many other professions
That don’t turn you into Trent Ikithon
Just say no to the wizard employer
No, don’t be a wizard
[NOTT]
What about divination?
[CALEB]
No mercy, no, no mercy
[NOTT]
Evocation?
[CALEB]
No mercy, even less mercy
[NOTT]
Necromancy?
[CALEB]
No mercy, plus it’s a bummer
[NOTT]
Okay, but what if one day you make it to the Assembly?
[CALEB]
It’d be great to be on the Assembly
But you’ll never be on the Assembly
There’s truly no chance of that happenin’
[ASTRID & EODWULF]
The preceding song in no way reflects the views of the Cerberus Assembly and the Dwendalian Empire
Ah, screw it