Archive of Our Own

   Changbin's face was as pink as Felix's strawberry milkshake. Felix's phone kept vibrating with messages from Seungmin. And they had hardly said anything to each other for the past ten minutes.

  Felix felt like he had to do something. His brain couldn't stand the silence, and he felt bad just staring at Changbin, but he was pretty and he couldn't think of anything good to talk about.

  Lucky for him, Changbin spoke up first, cutting Felix's brain off right before it began its panicking. “How was school?”

  “It was fine, mom, thanks for asking,” he said with a dramatic eye roll. It made Changbin laugh as a weight lifted off of Felix's shoulders.

  “Fine, I'm lame, I get it,” Changbin said, shaking his head.

  “You're not,” Felix assured him. “My mom's cool, I promise.”

  Changbin laughed again, and it was beautiful. Felix sipped his milkshake and marvelled in his smile.

  “Really, though, how have you been?” Changbin asked.

  “Stressed. Obviously,” he responded. “That soccer fiasco was rough. And Seungmin's been stressed about his own stuff, so it's been a… bad time.”

  Felix tried not to notice how Changbin's face dropped and he stopped making eye contact. “You and Seungmin are… cute together,” he said with a small smile, looking at the table.

  “...what.”

  Changbin looked back at him, eyes wide. “You and Seungmin? You're, like-”

  Felix couldn't help the laugh that escaped his throat. “You… we're not together!” he finally explained. “He's my best friend, and he's just not really my type.”

  “Oh,” Changbin said.

  There was a beat and Felix felt the gears in his brain start whirring again.

  “So… sorry if I'm being rude here or stepping out of line but are you, like. Uh. Straight?” He whispered the last word like it was some sort of secret, but Felix figured it was for the best. He often forgot he wasn't in Australia.

  “No,” he answered, also in a whisper.

  Changbin nodded, seeming satisfied with the answer and taking a drink of his milkshake. It was also strawberry, which didn't match with his all black clothes at all, but it was a nice contrast. Felix stopped his staring as soon as he noticed it.

  “So you really aren't dating Seungmin?”

  Felix laughed. “Never have, never will. Do a lot of people think that?”

  Changbin shrugged with a chuckle. “Maybe? But you're just friends?”

  “I mean, best friends, since last year. We're really close. You know how it is.”

  “I mean, not really,” Changbin said, staring into his ice cream.

  “What? Do you not have a best friend?”

  He stirred the pink liquid with the straw. “I mean, I have Jisung? But Jisung's always busy with Minho. And Chris, I guess. I just spent a lot of time with Hyunjin, up until recently, and I didn't really like to talk about my feelings with him, and this is too much stuff to say at once-”

  Felix was reminded of his own thoughts. It was familiar.

  “It's really okay. And if you ever need to talk about stuff, I can listen. I'm here,” he assured him.

  Changbin looked up at him with a hopeful expression that was otherwise undecipherable. Felix beamed at him, crinkling up his eyes, and Changbin smiled back.

  “Yeah. I'll keep it in mind.”

  Felix's phone began to vibrate again, and he looked over to see that Seungmin was calling him. He raised his eyebrows at Changbin, who waved his hand with a smile.

  “What's up?”

  “We have to talk. Why haven't you been answering my texts? You better have a good reason, Yongbok, or I'm gonna scream. I-”

  “Well, what happened?”

  “...I can't tell you now! Just get over here. Where even are you?”

  “I'm with Changbin,” he said quietly.

  “What happened? Now we really have to talk, but take your time.”

  “Okay, bye.”

  “But do hurry up.”

  “ Okay, ” he sighed, exasperated.

  “Bye, then.”

  He hung up.

  “Parents, huh?” Changbin said, his straw making a loud noise due to the lack of substance left in his glass.

  “That was Seungmin,” Felix said with a laugh. “Something about having something important to tell me.”

  “Do you have to go, then?” Changbin asked with a small frown.

  Felix had never been more conflicted in his life.

  “I mean, not immediately?”

  Changbin glanced at his phone. “I have homework to get done, anyway,” he said. He briefly, but deliberately, placed his hand on top of Felix's before they both stood up.

  Felix's hand tingled, and he was shaking from some weird kind of happy anxiety. Instead of having a lot of thoughts, his brain was a muddled mess of Changbin, but now it didn't hurt. It was a buzzing, pleasant, messy emotion, and Felix wanted to feel that way forever.

  Felix walked to Seungmin's house and the feeling barely faded. It felt like the tingling feeling when a limb falls asleep, but in his heart. A strange metaphor.

  Seungmin was waiting in the kitchen when Felix arrived, sitting at a stool by the counter and looking at him with a mixture of amusement, excitement, and mild annoyance. Felix grinned at him as the words tumbled out of his mouth. “Changbin asked me out for ice cream after chemistry! Didn't I tell you about it?”

  Seungmin was slack jawed. “No! How did you neglect to tell me that? You are the worst best friend ever.”

  Felix rubbed the back of his neck as he sat down next to Seungmin. “Whoops. But he was so nice. If this is going somewhere, I. I don't even know.” He could feel how warm is face was and how giddy he was. “Also, he thought we were dating and I told him we aren't and he seemed pleased about it.”

  Seungmin burst into laughter. “That's gold! What even-”

  “I know! But I really really like him.”

  Seungmin hugged him quickly and backed up. “I have news too!”

  “What is it?” Felix said, facing him to listen as well as possible.

  “Hyunjin called me pretty. And asked me for my number.”

  Felix squealed, causing Seungmin to do the same as they bounced up and down on their chairs. “This is amazing! Have you talked to him?”

  “Not yet,” Seungmin said. “But I probably will. He'll probably message me first, right? He's Hwang Hyunjin. Hwang. Hyunjin, ” Seungmin mused.

  Felix couldn't help but stand up and bounce around on the balls of his feet. “I really can't believe this!”

  Seungmin dragged him back to sit down. “I just hope he doesn't realize I'm not good enough or something…”

  Felix shook his head violently. “Don't say that, Seungminnie. You're amazing. If Hyunjin thinks you aren't good enough, he doesn't deserve you.”

  Seungmin nodded. “You're right. You're stealing my lines, though.

  “Sue me,” Felix joked.

  He and Seungmin ate sweets to celebrate, swooning and screeching occasionally, and Felix felt like he was some twelve-year-old whose crush just spoke to them for the first time. But it was Changbin. And Changbin made him feel that way.

~~~

  Hyunjin didn't text Seungmin that week. He looked at him in chemistry occasionally, but they hardly interacted, and Seungmin kept playing it off to Felix like it was only a matter of time - but he was extremely scared. Maybe Hyunjin regretted it.

  “I promise you he doesn't,” Felix said. “Have you ever thought of texting him first?”

  “Not really?”

  Felix shook his head. “What happened to brave and cold Seungmin?”

  “He's not here when Hyunjin's stupid face is involved,” he pouted as he slumped farther into his mattress.

  “Now, that is absolutely adorable,” Felix admitted, standing up, “but you have to do something about it. And my host mom just texted me. So I have to go home.”

  Seungmin sighed. “Alright. Talk to you later.”

  Seungmin picked up his phone and realized it was already almost midnight. He figured he might as well try his best.

[Me:

  Hey, Hyunjin! Are you still awake?]

  He hid his face in his pillow. He was doomed. Absolutely doomed.

  Ding.

[Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  hi minnie! :) what's up?]

   He even texts cute.

[Me:

  Not much, I'm just not tired.

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  me neither. i don't sleep much haha

Me:

 That's really not good for you, you know.

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

 it's the weekend anyway, why not live a little?

Me:

 If you don't sleep, you won't live much longer.

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  sjndjdjfbdj hahahah

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  there's better things to do than sleep

Me:

  Like what?

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  talk to kim seungmin :)]

  Seungmin's face returned to the pillow. He screamed lightly into it before gathering the strength to lift his head and respond.

[Me:

  Then you should have done it earlier haha

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  jsjsd that's a complicated statement

Me:

  I see how it is. You didn't want to talk to me T-T

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  i gave you my number too, silly

Me:

  Well, you asked first.

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  and you still texted me first, huh?

Me:

  Smh, I only did it because Felix told me to.

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  so you don't want to talk to me either T-T

Me:

  You're awful insecure for being human perfection.]

  Seungmin resisted the urge to throw his phone across the room. He was squealing, doing his absolute best not to wake anyone else in his house, and flirting with Hwang Hyunjin at midnight on a Friday. Seungmin from a month ago wouldn't have believed it.

[Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  kakskdkxnd

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  i knew I was correct in assuming you're adorable

Me:

  Oh, come on. You're one to talk. You're probably the most adorable. It's gross.

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  aCK you're so nice :)

Me:

  I'm just telling the truth~

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  obviously not. i can't be the most adorable because you're the most adorable

Me:

  You really are delusional. Go to sleep Hyunjinnie, you're drunk.

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  i take it back, you're so mean

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  still cute tho

Me:

  zzzzzZZZZ]

  Seungmin slammed his head down on the pillow again and closed his eyes. He was going to sleep whether Hyunjin liked it or not. He needed a break.

~~~

  Felix walked into chemistry on Monday with Changbin next to him. They walked together, talked together, and Changbin spoke to him at his desk after they sat down. “So, are you free to hang out after school?” Changbin asked.

  Felix's heart jumped - he would probably never be used to Changbin asking him to do anything - before he jutted his lip out in a pout. “I have dance practice after school. But maybe another day this week?”

  “Alright,” Changbin responded with a small smile. “Actually, Jisung is having a party on Friday. Do you wanna go? You know, together, but there will be other people-”

  “Sure!”

  With that, the bell rang and Changbin strolled back to his seat. Whenever Changbin spoke to him, Felix was reminded of himself and his own brain, but Changbin became so much more confident as soon as he turned away. Felix made a mental note to ask him about it.

  The bell rang and Changbin and Felix met for just long enough to say goodbye before walking off to their respective classes.

  “Gross,” he heard some girl scoff. It could have been about anything, Felix knew, maybe about the girl right next to them with the new short haircut (which Felix actually really liked) or something someone had said. But as he walked to his next class, some part of his brain insisted it was about him and Changbin. Probably him more specifically, as no one would say anything bad about Changbin in a million years, but them together might be a different story.

  Felix forgot what it was like to be gay for the whole time he had been in Korea. He had experienced some kind of wake-up call, he supposed, and now he had to rethink what is and isn't worth it.

  “I'm sure she wasn't talking about you,” Seungmin said during lunch.

  “But what if she was?”

  “If I watch you give up the man of your dreams because some random girl is jealous of you, I won't be able to live with myself.”

  “She's not jealous,” Felix said with a sigh. “I’ve dealt with this stuff before.”

  “Me too,” Seungmin responded, “and they've always got their own problems. To be fair, no one's ever assumed I'm not gay-

  “That's definitely not true-”

  “Felix. I had almost no friends until recently, do well in school, and write poetry about boys.”

  “Well, that last one is really gay,” Felix said with a laugh.

  “That's what I'm saying,” Seungmin said. “Just relax. It'll be fine. And I'll fight people for you if need be.”

  “Thanks, Minnie,” Felix responded. “Have you texted Hyunjin since Friday?”

  “Sort of,” Seungmin answered. “He doesn't text first. It's not what I expected from him.”

  Felix shook his head disapprovingly. “That's why you have to be more forward.”

  “I sent you the screenshots. I really am trying.”

  “Yeah, but have you hung out in person?”

  Seungmin took in a short breath. “Well. No.”

  “Tutt, tutt. Well, Changbin invited me to Jisung's party on Friday, so I am inviting you and Hyunjin by extension if Hyunjin doesn't ask you first.”

  “But I don't like parties,” Seungmin whined.

  Felix sighed in mild realization. “I don't either. What am I going to do?”

  “You'll be with Changbin, right? It'll be fine,” Seungmin said. “Even if it sucks.”

  “What if I panic?” Felix wondered. Even just the idea of it made him not want to go. The only thing worse than the things that caused him to panic was the fear of panicking. It was a cruel cycle.

  “I'll get you out of there. You know how it is, Felix,” Seungmin assured him.

  Felix did know how it was. He remembered extremely well the most major time it's happened before.

   “Seungmin!” Felix heard Jeongin whisper-shouting. “Felix, where's Seungmin?”

  Felix's hands were shaking as he handed Jeongin his phone, full of texts from an extremely worried Seungmin. He tried to steady his breathing but failed, his eyes glancing around the crowded backstage area and the stage ahead. He heard a set of hurried footsteps and then a hand on his shoulder.

  “Hey, Felix?” Seungmin said, sitting down next to him. “Are you okay?”

  “Scared,” he struggled out. Seungmin took his trembling hands in his own.

  “Why? Because it's your first dance performance?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Because you're afraid you're going to be too good and everyone's going to lose their minds over it?” Seungmin said quietly.

  Felix laughed.

  “You're gonna ruin your makeup if you cry, and you know Hyunjin worked hard on that,” he joked again, feeling Felix's muscles relax slightly.

  “I've seen you dance, Felix. And with your charisma, you could get up there and do the macarena offbeat and people would still cheer for you.”

  Felix slowly regained his breathing and was able to stand up from the ground, smoothing out his jeans. “Thanks, Seungmin.”

  “Anytime.”

  “Stop spacing, Lix,” Seungmin said with a laugh.

  “The only other option is to stare at Changbin-”

  “Gross, don't.”

  Felix giggled at that. The bell rang and he stood up. “Talk to Hyunjin, Minnie.”

  “I'll certainly try.”

~~~

  “Uh, excuse me,” Seungmin mumbled, glancing up at whatever very tall person he had just run into before his heart lurched. “Oh! Hi.”

  “Umm, hi,” Hyunjin said, stopping awkwardly in the hallway. It was the end of the day, and it was extremely crowded as people attempted to flee the building, but Hyunjin always managed to part the sea of students. “Hi,” he repeated with a little laugh.

  “Umm. I have to go, actually, but text me?” Seungmin said, hoisting his bag up on his shoulder and looking into Hyunjin's eyes in a fruitless attempt to not stare at one of the other flawless features of his face.

  “Of course. Yeah. Text you.”

  “Bye, Hyunjinnie!”

  “Bye!”

  Seungmin rushed out of the building to find Felix, face feeling warm. Felix found him and immediately raised his eyebrows. “It looks like someone's seen Hyunjin,” he pointed out.

  “Oh, shush, we just ran into each other. Literally. And he said he'd text me,” Seungmin said. They started their way towards the sidewalk. “Plus, you mysteriously disappeared without me after seventh hour.”

  “Changbin walked very fast and followed him. For some reason.”

  “You're so whipped.”

  “Yeah.”

  They talked aimlessly about assignments, school, whatever they could other than Changbin and Hyunjin. It was really nice not to have to think about them for a little while. At least, that's what Seungmin felt before his phone went off as soon as he arrived home.

[Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  hey seungminnie!

Me:

  Hello~

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  how are you doing? :o

Me:

  I'm okay. Kinda want to nap for a million years.

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  hahaha mood

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  before you do that, tho, i have a question

Me:

  Okay, shoot.

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  do you want to come to jisung's party on friday?

Me:

  Depends. Will you be there?

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  only if you are :>]

  Seungmin hid his face in his hands as he collapsed on his bed. Hyunjin was going to be the absolute death of him. Every time he managed to conjure enough confidence to flirt (or make an attempt to flirt)with him, Hyunjin always fired back and made him feel like a big squishy disaster.

[Me:

  Then I suppose I'll be there. Even though I'll have to suffer your presence.

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  Friday at eight. See you there :D

Me:

  :)]

  Seungmin was mildly exhausted. And he was going to a party, so he was majorly concerned on more than one front. He was also going to a party with Hwang Hyunjin, and this party was probably going to involve some crackhead behavior and maybe actual crack. Somehow, Seungmin was still looking forward to Friday.

  “You look so cute!” Felix said, standing in Seungmin's room.

  Seungmin was wearing ripped light blue jeans, a loose black sweatshirt with something in English written in massive white font, and his glasses that didn't have any functionality. Felix was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and he had done his makeup so it looked like he was just effortlessly cute. Seungmin nodded. “You, too. This is going to be okay.”

  “Well, what could go wrong?”

  “Hyunjin sees me an immediately dies of sexual frustration,” Seungmin joked.

  Felix laughed and nodded. “Yes, I would agree.”

  Seungmin figured that he was already in this mess. He might as well attempt to have a good time, at least, and maybe he actually would. He would get to see Hyunjin regardless.

  His phone dinged as Hyunjin texted him the address.

[Me:

  See you there, Hyunjinnie!

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  :>]

  Seungmin sighed and shoved his phone in his pocket. It was going to be a long night.

  To say Jisung's house is big would be an understatement. It was rather huge, with a driveway massive enough to hold the cars of half the whole school's upperclassmen, which were all struggling not to run into each other in the hectic environment.

  Seungmin followed Felix through the ornate door and into the volume of Jisung's living room.

  Some loud English rap song was blasting on the speakers, and Jisung was talking to some girl who was clearly trying to talk to Minho, who had his arm tight around Jisung's waist. Seungmin rolled his eyes. The sheer amount of gay that made up their school must have been frustrating for the few heterosexuals. People were drinking soda (a surprise) and trying to talk over the music. It wasn't that bad.

  “Hey, Seungminnie?” Felix said, tapping him on the shoulder. “Changbin's in the basement, so I'm gonna go hang out with him. Text me if you need me, yeah?”

  “Same to you,” Seungmin said.

  “Yo, prez!”

  Seungmin turned to see Lucas, terrifying tall and bounding towards him. He flinched as Lucas put his hand on his shoulder. “Didn't know parties were your thing?”

 “They aren't,” Seungmin answered. “I was invited.”

  “There you are, Lucas!” Haechan yelled as he approached them and lead them away from the doorway. “Oh, hey, Seungmin!”

  “Hey. Uh, do you guys know where Hyunjin is?”

  Haechan glanced around for a second before speaking. “I'd look over there if I was you.”

  Seungmin followed where he was pointing, in to the living room, where a crowd of people was obscuring the view of whoever was sitting on the couch. Seungmin sighed and pulled out his phone.

[Me:

  Busy?]

  Seungmin returned his phone to his pocket and looked back at Haechan with a shake of his head. Haechan left and bounded off, followed by Lucas. Seungmin glanced back over to the crowd and saw, above all the heads, Hyunjin's particular style of black hair. Seungmin instinctively turned his head towards the ground.

  “Hey, Minnie,” Hyunjin said. Seungmin was forced to look up at him.

  He looked perfect. He usually did, but now Seungmin could swear he was wearing lip-tint and that his skin was glowing. His loosely fitting black shirt was hanging delicately off of his body in a way that made Seungmin think he could be an angel sent from heaven to destroy him. He swallowed hard and gathered as much confidence as he could in that mere second. “Hey!”

  Hyunjin laughed lightly. “Did you just get here? You look really good.”

  Seungmin's heart clenched so hard it hurt.

  “You aren't so bad yourself,” he said, anxiously picking at a loose thread on his sweatshirt.

  Hyunjin loosely wrapped an arm around his waist and walked with him through crowds of people into the kitchen, where there was a collection of both alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages (at least Jisung provided the opportunity for sobriety) and too many snacks to count.

  Seungmin observed the selection. “You don't drink, do you?”

  “Make a guess,” Seungmin answered with a small laugh.

  “Good, me neither,” Hyunjin said, cracking open a Coke. Seungmin did the same.

  “I didn't really think you were going to come,” Hyunjin said, leaning against the counter so he was looking up at Seungmin and he was so beautiful. Seungmin knew his face was red.

  “Of course. I wanted to talk to you,” Seungmin said, making himself look Hyunjin in his warm brown eyes.

  Hyunjin blushed lightly and looked away for a moment. “You're so cute,” Hyunjin gushed quietly.

  Seungmin let out a high-pitched laugh, which only made Hyunjin smile wider. “Umm. Thank you. Not really, but thank you.”

  “Are you saying you aren't cute?” Hyunjin said skeptically. He stood up to his full height, which was somehow even more charming, and took a drink of his coke.

  “It's not something I hear a lot, to be honest,” he lamented.

  “That’s probably because people are blind. And deaf.”

  Seungmin's face was so warm he felt like he would burn Hyunjin if he touched it, though he couldn't really handle the idea of Hyunjin touching his face at the given moment. He just rolled his eyes. “Maybe you're delusional.”

  Hyunjin laughed again. “I've been told that before.”

 “Oh, yeah?” Seungmin said, sipping his drink.

  “Mmhmm. I have negative brain cells,” he said, jumping up to sit on the counter.

  Seungmin pretended to think on it for a second. “You do have brain cells. I think you're using your intelligence incorrectly.”

  “That may be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me,” Hyunjin said, half-serious.

  “There's more where that came from.”

  “Really? Because I would love to hear it.”

~~~

  “‘Lunchables’ always deserves to win!” Jisung shrieked.

  “Well, Chenle played 'Bees?’!” Changbin retorted loudly.

  “This whole game is rigged,” Jisung said, slumping down and pouting at his lack of points. Chenle collected his card with a laugh.

  Felix picked up a black card and took in a deep breath before reading. “Before I run for president, I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with… blank.”

  Felix was forced to close his eyes - “to be extra fair,” as Jisung had put it - until he was handed several cards.

  “Before I run for president I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with… lunchables.”

  Changbin immediately stood up, pointing across the circle. “How did you get the card back? You're cheating!”

  Jisung placed his cards carefully down on the ground.

  Every single one of them read “Lunchables”.

  Every single person in the circle lost their minds.

   Felix laughed along with them and eventually trailed to sit on the couch with Changbin. The game was over.

  “Thanks for coming,” Changbin said, staring at his hands.

  “Thanks for asking me to,” Felix said with a laugh. “I'm having… fun.”

  “That doesn't sound very genuine,” Changbin said with a laugh.

  “Lunchables,” Felix said simply. Changbin nodded as if it was a good enough reason.

  He checked his phone quickly, making sure Seungmin didn't need him, and then put it in his pocket.

  “...you don't drink, do you, Felix?”

  “No, not really. Why, do you?”

  “Nah. I have before, because Jisung being drunk is a lot more tolerable if you're drunk as well.”

  Felix laughed. “Jisung in his resting state is like a normal person on crystal meth.”

  “But. Since you don't drink. Try not to go upstairs. We really do separate into two halves.”

  “Really?”

  Changbin nodded. “On new year's, we stayed down here and watched The Little Mermaid. Up there, Lucas managed to break a whole window.”

  “Noted,” Felix said. “But what if I want to break a window?”

  “I advise that you don't do that.”

  Felix turned slightly to see Jisung walking upstairs, and Jeongin pointing excitedly at the Wii sitting on the TV stand. “Mario kart!” he exclaimed.

  Felix stood up quickly, to Changbin's amusement and pointed back at Jeongin. “Fight me!”

  After a couple of rounds in which Felix gently destroyed Jeongin (“It's okay,” he had said. “I had time to practice in Australia because I never had to study.”), he sat down next to Changbin again, hardly noticing his arm had been on the back of the couch until his hand moved to his shoulder.

  Felix could hear the screaming of Felix from the month before, absolutely enthused to be even in the same room as Changbin, to get to speak to him for any extended period of time. He just did his best not to let his hands shake out of that strange joyful anxiety and smiled at Changbin. “You wanna play?”

  They were interrupted, however, by the sound of a deafening crash.

~~~

  “My parents are going to kill me,” Jisung muttered, examining the remains of his kitchen table. The person who had destroyed it was nowhere to be seen. “Siri, how fast can I get a table delivered to my house?”

  Seungmin just shook his head in disappointment as he turned back to Hyunjin, who was still laughing about the strange dive some teenager had taken on to the dining table. “That was interesting.”

  Hyunjin let out the last of his giggles as he sat up straight. They had migrated to the couch, where Hyunjin still had his spot secure, in a crowd of people talking about nothing. Seungmin was standing next to him, gradually growing closer as he realized all of these people were the ones he knew thought he was a loser. The ones who voted Hyunjin for student council above him and caused him all that grief in the first place, and that's not even mentioning the subtle verbal abuse he had dealt with through the years of high school. Seungmin was the poetry-writing gay boy in their eyes, and that's all he'd ever be.

  “You okay?” Hyunjin asked, catching him spacing out.

  “Me? Yeah. Fine,” Seungmin said. He just tried to focus on Hyunjin. He was pretty. And nice. And didn't think he was just a poetry-writing gay boy. Unless he did.

  Seungmin was confident in every situation except with these people, with this reminder of what people thought of him, with these lapses in his likability. Hyunjin raised concerned eyebrows at him, and he didn't relax when Seungmin gave him a reassuring smile. Looking at Hyunjin made him sick. He didn't deserve him, and he probably didn't even have him.

  Seungmin felt Hyunjin's hand on his back and knew he looked composed, but he was losing it somewhere in his mind.

   It's all a lie .

  And what reason would Hyunjin have to talk to him, anyway? It's not like he-

  “Wow, Seungmin,” he heard some girl say. It was nearly drowned out by his own thoughts. “Isn't it funny how you're the one by Hyunjin's side? I'm kind of jealous.”

  He felt awful. Hyunjin's hand held his own for a bit before he took it away to type quickly on his phone.

[Me:

Felix I have to go

Me:

Right now.

yOnGbOk:

I'll be right up. Need help escaping?

Me:

No, just meet me by the door.]

  “Hey, uh, I'm gonna go get some fresh air,” he said to Hyunjin.

  “Okay. Do you want me to come with?”

  “No, it's okay. Stay. Enjoy the party.”

  He met Felix and rushed out of the house.

  “...sorry,” Seungmin said as soon as they had gotten out of the building. “I can just go home on my own if you want to stay.”

  “You know I don't want to stay if you aren't going to,” Felix said, kicking at the pavement. “What’s going on?”

  “I don't feel good when I hang out with Hyunjin around those people. They're all perfect. Them and Hyunjin and I'm just me. And they've been so cruel to me before so I know they'd do it again. It just makes me feel so inadequate.”

  Felix nodded. “I know. You should talk to Hyunjin about it. I'm sure he'd be willing to do something if he does really like you.”

  “I don't know if he does, Lix,” he said, voice shaking. “Why would he?”

  “There's a million reasons, Seungmin,” Felix answered. “And I know he does like you. And,” he said, “I think he's here to tell you just that.”

  Seungmin turned around to see Hyunjin walking down from the porch towards him, and Felix patted his shoulder. “Text me if you need me again.”

  Felix was replaced by Hyunjin at his side.

  “I could tell you weren't okay in there,” he started. “And I'm just really sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

  Seungmin looked up to see Hyunjin's lower lip shaking. “Hey, hey. Jinnie. It's really got nothing to do with you,” he said, leaning against the brick wall surrounding the circular driveway.

  “Then what is it?”

  Seungmin weighed exactly what he wanted to say in his mind for a few seconds before speaking. “Why are you out here, Hyunjin?” 

   Hyunjin seemed surprised to be asked the question. “To come after you. You were upset, and I didn't want you to be upset because of me. But now you're saying it's not because of me, so I'm just really confused.”

  “Why, though? There's a whole party in there full of your friends.”

  Hyunjin leaned against the wall, also. “So? There's a Seungmin out here. And he's… pretty, and nice. And also sad, it seems. So he's more important than all of them in there.”

  Seungmin laughed lightly, voice still not stable. “Thanks, Hyunjinnie.”

  “You never did tell me what's wrong,” Hyunjin said, pressing his shoulder against Seungmin's.

  “Maybe another day. For now, I think I want to go home.”

  Hyunjin nodded and gave a soft smile. “That's okay. Felix is here, right?”

  “Yeah, he'll be back in a little bit,” Seungmin said. “He looks out for me.”

  “You two look out for each other,” Hyunjin said, his fingers tracing Seungmin's. High off the night and the mood swings, Seungmin hardly noticed. “It's a really rare friendship.”

  Seungmin laughed. “He's my best friend. That's just what it's like to have one.”

  “I guess I wouldn't know, then.”

  “Hyunjin-”

  “Seungmin!” Felix called. “Are we leaving?”

  “Yeah, in a second,” Seungmin said, turning back towards Hyunjin.

  “See you on Monday, Seungminnie,” Hyunjin said, lifting Seungmin's hand to press a gentle kiss on his knuckles. He couldn't repress the little shriek that escaped his lungs.

  Hyunjin giggled and made his way back inside.

  “That was so cute,” Felix said matter-of-factly.

  “He called me pretty,” he gushed, running his cold hands along his warm face as they began their walk back to Seungmin's house.

  “So the two of you are okay?”

  “I do believe so.”

  “Yay! Seungmin kept his mans-”

  “Oh, shut up,” Seungmin said, pushing Felix lightly. “How are things with Changbin?”

  “Fine? Much less dramatic, I suppose. He's really cute.”

  “Mmm. Well, have you guys talked about you yet? As an item or anything?”

  Felix kicked the sidewalk. “Oh, shoot. No. What if he's seeing, like, a dozen other guys?”

  “Woah, woah. Not what I was saying. I just think that if you're gonna preach communication…”

  “Yeah, I get it. I'll work on it.”

~~~

  “Move it, homo.”

  Felix's heart immediately leaped into his throat. He turned around to find whoever had run into him, but he was nowhere to be seen. He shook it off with a small shiver, but soon felt a massive hand pushing him slightly.

  “Ew, gross. I hope being a pixie isn't contagious,” the voice snarled.

  Felix felt like he was going to vomit. “Sorry, it is. You're gay now!” he spat back, quietly, his voice shaking and tears probably welling up in his eyes. He felt himself shutting down.

  He wondered about Changbin, Hyunjin, Seungmin, Jisung, Minho, and everyone else. Were they putting up with this every single day?

  “Yo! What's up,” Felix heard Minho's familiar voice say. He was greeting his assailant with a friendliness that made Felix absolutely disgusted. He was sick to his stomach. He still went to chemistry. It was a strange blur of confusion and numbness.

  “Hey, Felix,” Hyunjin asked once he sat down. “Is Seungmin doing okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Are… are you okay?”

  “I don't want to talk about it right now,” he choked robotically.

  Hyunjin let it go, and Felix let himself stare into space for the rest of class. In fact, he was out of it for the rest of the day until he had to go to seventh hour. “Felix, are you okay?” Seungmin asked as soon as he sat down.

  Felix let his face stay pale and dead as he took of his backpack and handed the sticky note on it to Seungmin. There was a big, ugly slur written on it, and someone had stuck it to him in the hallway just before he entered. Seungmin stood quickly and almost yelled before Felix made him sit down. “Felix, what the hell.”

   “It's okay, Seungmin.”

  “No, it's not. Is this why you didn't talk at lunch?” he whispered angrily.

  “Don't be mad, please.”

  “I told you I'd fight someone. And I will. Who is it?”

  “Seungmin.”

  Felix looked at Seungmin until his expression visually relaxed, and then ran a hand through his hair.

  “Fine,” Seungmin relented. “But if you think I'm going to totally let this go, you're dead wrong.”

  “If you ever witness anything, feel free to deck someone,” Felix said with a laugh.

  “No, I'm going to use the legal system. But if Changbin catches wind of this, you bet someone's going to end up with a broken jaw.”

  Felix sighed. “I'm sure I've got it under control. I told one of them that being gay actually is contagious and now he's caught it.”

  Seungmin snorted. “That's funny, but I'm still going to sue.”

  Felix felt a lot more carefree by the end of class. He left the room with Seungmin and Changbin and began to make his way downstairs.

  “Wasn't Seungmin just with you?” Changbin asked.

  “Is he gone?” Felix wondered, looking around.

  He soon spotted Seungmin with some girl pointing him in the chest accusingly, pinning him against the wall with the sheer volume and anger of her words. “-you don't stand a chance with him, so don't get your hopes up. Nothing is ever good enough for him, especially not… you.”

  With that, she stormed off in the opposite direction, and Seungmin was frozen in his spot. Felix hurried over to him. “Hey, you okay?”

  Seungmin nodded, eyes glossed over. “I, uh. Who even is that?”

  “I don't even know her name,” Changbin said. “She always thought Hyunjin was in love with her.”

  “Does Hyunjin even like girls?” Seungmin asked.

  “No.”

  Felix just rolled his eyes. “So, she's just a terrible person. It's okay, Seungminnie.”

  “What if she's right?” he asked as they started towards the staircase again.

  “God, Seungmin. She isn't,” Changbin said.

  “Hey, who are you to say-”

  “His ex-boyfriend. You're just Hyunjin's type. I promise he really likes you.”

  “But what if he doesn't?”

  “He does,” Felix confirmed.

  “Hmm.”

~~~

  Seungmin walked into school on Thursday, seeing Felix ahead of him and running to catch up with him. “Hey, Felix! Felix!”

  Felix was stopped in the hallway, some guy Seungmin recognized from the football team (cliche, but it was the truth) walking slowly away from him as he spoke. “What? Did I hurt your feelings? Maybe you wouldn't be so easy to upset if you weren't such a f-”

  “Do you have a problem?” Seungmin spat.

  The orc turned and smirked at him. Seungmin was so blinded with rage he couldn't bother to be scared.

  “Do you, homo number 2?”

  “You act pretty tough for someone scared of two gay teenagers.”

  “Who says I'm scared of you?”

  The hall was considerably more quiet, many people staring at them. Felix was frozen. Seungmin positioned himself between Felix and the orc, just in case, and stood his ground. “I just did. Though I'd be totally willing to listen to any explanations you have,” Seungmin said as sweetly as he could manage.

  The orc spit out a slur and there was a loud exclamation from somewhere on the stairs. “Yo! We got a problem?”

   Changbin.

   “Changbin,” Seungmin whispered, Changbin stomping towards the orc angrily.

  Seungmin held up his phone to show that he had been recording the audio of the whole exchange.

  “Yo! Do you have an explanation for why you think it's okay to do this?” Changbin growled.

  The orc snickered, shoving his hands into his pockets. Seungmin grabbed Felix by the arm and led him towards the office, cell phone in a death grip, and hoped Changbin wouldn't get punched in the face. But honestly, he could probably live with that. Felix was safe.

  Seungmin sat Felix down in a chair and waited for the principal, assuming he was already on his way. The door opened suddenly, and Seungmin turned to see Hyunjin. “Hyunjin? Shouldn't you be in class?”

  “I needed to know if you were okay,” he said. “Are you? Is anyone hurt?”

  “Unless Changbin got decked.”

  “He didn't. He's fine,” Hyunjin answered. “Felix?”

  “Hngh,” Felix managed.

  “He’s shaken,” Seungmin answered. He placed his hand on Felix's back in an attempt to calm him down.

  “Seungmin?” Felix said.

  “Yeah?”

  “It's gonna be okay, right?”

  “Of course.”

  Seungmin heard a new voice, and angry one, belonging to the principal. “I honestly can't believe these children-”

  “Mr. Park,” Seungmin said, bowing slightly. “I'm Kim Seungmin, and I'm here to talk about-”

  “That?” Mr. Park asked, gesturing out towards the entrance way.

  “Yes.”

  Mr. Park waved them in and Felix and Seungmin followed him into the office. It was bleak, filled with papers. Seungmin had no clue how anyone could work under those conditions. Mr. Park sat down in his office chair and rubbed his temple.

  “So, you we're all involved in whatever that was?”

  “Felix was being attacked, Mr. Park.”

  “Then Felix can tell me what happened,” he said harshly.

  Seungmin looked over at Felix, who seemed a lot more composed than he was before. Felix took in a deep breath.

~~~

  “I. That guy. He and his friends have been harassing me for the past few days.”

  “Harassing how?” Mr. Park asked. His face was cold. He freaked Felix out. And Felix wasn't really willing to out himself to this fifty-year-old Korean man.

  “Calling me names, pushing me in the hallway, once sticking a note on my backpack with a slur on it. All sorts of stuff,” Felix explained, wringing his hands.

  “And what happened today?”

  Felix felt a lump grow in his throat. “He was taunting me. And Seungmin came and defended me.”

  “You're going to have to be more specific than that.”

  Seungmin pushed his phone on to the desk, and clicked play on a video.

   “-so easy to upset if you weren't such a f-”

  “Do you have a problem?”

  “Do you, homo number 2?”

   The whole recording played, and Felix felt everything over again. Seungmin seemed to notice and stopped it. “You see, Mr. Park, this is clearly a horrible instance of bullying-”

  “Are you gay, Mr. Lee?”

  Felix felt tears push into his eyes. He blinked several times. “W-”

  “Sir, I don't understand the relevance-” Seungmin said.

  “Just answer the question,” Mr. Park insisted, rubbing his temple.

  “Yes,” Felix choked, voice scratchy. “Yeah, I'm gay.”

  “Then why do you find the things he said offensive?” Mr. Park asked.

  Felix couldn't believe the things he was hearing. He felt much worse than before. So much worse. “Because it's bullying, Mr. Park,” Felix said, hot tears threatening to fall. “It's discriminatory.”

  Mr. Park just sighed. “If it ever gets to the point where you're getting injured, Mr. Lee, we will talk about it. Please return to class.”

  “Mr. Park-”

  “Out, Mr. Kim.”

  Felix felt angry sobs squeezing his lungs and just let himself break down. He just walked as Seungmin led him to the bathroom in the farthest hallway, where no one ever came, and sat down on the tile by the sink.

  “I'm so sorry,” Seungmin said, wiping his face angrily. “I'm sorry.”

  Felix shook his head and hiccuped. “Don’t be sorry. It's not your fault.”

  “This is ridiculous. I could fight this, if you wanted me to?”

  Felix wiped his eyes with his sleeve. “No. I want it to be over already, Seungmin.”

  “Want what to be over?”

  “This. I don't want to be gay anymore, Seungmin.”

  Seungmin let out a wet laugh. “If only it worked like that.”

  “Yeah.”

  “...are you going to be okay?”

  Felix shrugged. He really couldn't be less sure. He felt like the perfect world he had was suddenly crashing down and he had nothing.

  “Why me, Seungmin?”

  “Hmm?”

  “I mean. That guy. He's friends with Minho,” Felix explained. “He doesn't pick on Jisung or Hyunjin or Changbin or you.”

  Seungmin sighed. “There are probably reasons, but I don't really want to ask him about them.”

  “Fair enough.”

  Felix felt his phone vibrate and pulled it out of his pocket.

[Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

Felix?????

Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

Are you okay?

Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

Answer me when you can, alright?

Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

I'm worried about you.

Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

And I'll still punch that loser if you want me to.]

  Felix laughed, wiping his face again. “Changbin's worried,” he said.

  Seungmin pulled his phone out, as well. “Hyunjin's been asking questions, too.”

  “Are they even being productive in class?”

  Seungmin shook his head. “Definitely not.”

  Felix let his head rest against the cold tile wall and sighed, a small chuckle escaping him. “God, this is awful .”

  “Well, are you gay , Mr. Lee?” Seungmin mocked in a voice that made him sound like he had swallowed a frog.

  “I don't know, make a guess, you thick-skulled dinosaur,” Felix mocked back.

  Seungmin laughed. “I'm here for you, Felix. Really.”

  “I know. You, Seungmin, boy genius, skipped a class for me ,” Felix said. It sounded like a joke, but he really did appreciate everything Seungmin did.

  “And I'd do it again. I just want you to know. They could bully you into the ground and you could have no friends but I'd still be here. With you. Hanging out in an abandoned bathroom.”

  “Don't get all sentimental on me,” Felix groaned.

  Seungmin swatted his arm. “It's what I do, Felix.”

  Felix stood up slowly. “Well?”

  “What?”

  “Are we going back to class?”

  Seungmin got up reluctantly and they heard the bell ring. They both started for their second hour classes.

  People avoided Felix for the rest of the day. Maybe they figured he was too fragile (partially true) or they just thought he was too gross, but either way they left him alone. He didn't want to deal with all the questions, so he was grateful for it. His mind wasn't in a place where he was even capable of it.

  Seungmin waved as he walked down to go to student council, and Changbin quickly took up his space by Felix's side.

  “Oh, hi, Changbin.”

  “Are you okay?” Changbin blurted.

  “Yes. I'm just shaken is all,” Felix explained.

  “At least that ogre will get punished for what he did-”

  “No, he won't,” Felix said dejectedly. “Mr. Park said that, since I really am gay, there's no reason for the thing he does to be considered offensive.”

  Changbin let out an annoyed huff. “That's the most bullshit thing I've ever heard.”

  “I know, but… there isn't much we could do about it.”

  Changbin quickly moved to grab Felix's hand to pull him through the hallways, and his whole heart lurched along with the rest of his body, but more violently so. Changbin snickered to himself. “There is, actually.”

  “Yah!” Changbin yelled, attracting the attention of the large orc. Felix had to try not to start shaking again. “What's up, hetero!”

  Felix let out a single high-pitched chuckle before he silenced himself. The orc snarled and Minho, standing by his side, seemed confused. He rushed to walk beside Changbin.

  “Yo, what's the deal?”

  “Did you not hear what he did?” Changbin asked, stopping in the doorway.

  There was no way Minho just didn't know, right? Or else, why would he still be hanging out with the orc?

  “He's been harassing me? For days? For being gay?” Felix answered.

  Minho's eyebrows furrowed. “So that's what.” He stormed back towards the orc, and Felix felt mildly sorry for him. He didn't even like dealing with Minho when he was slightly annoyed. “Ay! You know I'm gay, right?”

  “I mean, yeah-”

  “And yet you're still bullying Felix. For being gay. What's up with that?” Minho pried, looming over the orc despite being shorter than him.

  The orc laughed. “Felix is, like, a girl.”

  “Excuse me?” Changbin spat. Felix tightened his grip on his hand.

  “What do you mean by that? Don't you like girls? Felix would make a prettier one that half the girls at this school, anyway, and so would I, so-”

 “I don't like fairies. It's fine to be gay, but people like Felix and Jisun-”

  “Jisung?” Minho roared. “You really are in it now, you caveman-”

  Felix laughed as he pulled Changbin out of the building. Changbin laughed with him. “And that, Felix, is how you deal with that.”

  “Absolutely genius,” Felix said.

  After a beat, Changbin spoke again. “Where did you go during chemistry? If that reporting to Mr. Park thing didn't work.”

  “Seungmin and I sat and cried in the bathroom in the west wing,” Felix said simply. “Maybe that's what that orc was talking about when he called me a girl, huh?”

  Changbin rolled his eyes. “You aren't an emotionally repressed muscle man like he is.”

  “Are you saying you are?”

  Changbin dramatically flexed his biceps and Felix laughed, trying to ignore the pulsing in his heart that moved with Changbin's muscles, God, he was so-

  “Where are we going?” Felix asked, interrupting his own thoughts.

  Changbin glanced around, evidently just realizing they were going somewhere. “Uh. I don't know. Should we go somewhere?”

  Felix rubbed Changbin's thumb with his own. “I'd like that.”

~~~

He is everything I need to survive.

Though my love holds happiness in his hands,

And my words are where I leave it to thrive.

United we fall, together we stand,

I bring my tears to him at every end.

And such that the world brings his tears to me,

My arms will be the safest place to be.

   Seungmin sighed. Someday he'd have to find a way to succeed in writing a poem about Felix that sounded more platonic. Even mentioning Hyunjin in it as a distinctly different person still made it vague and hard to understand.

  “What are you writing?” Hyunjin asked, leaning over as Seungmin put his pencil down. Seungmin slammed the notebook shut.

  “Uh. You can't read it,” Seungmin mumbled.

  “Is it about me?” Hyunjin teased.

  “As a matter of fact, it isn't,” Seungmin said, sticking his tongue out at Hyunjin. “It's about Felix.”

  “Then why can't I read it?”

  “You just can't.”

  Hyunjin didn't push it farther. Seungmin followed him and the rest of student council out of the room and out of the building. Hyunjin stopped Seungmin on his way out, a hand on his shoulder, and he left it there as he spoke.

  “If I wrote you something, would you let me read something you wrote?”

  Seungmin laughed, feeling a strange anxiety in his chest. “Why are you so intent on this?”

  Hyunjin picked at a thread on Seungmin's shirt. “I know that poetry is important to you. And I've never read anything you've written.”

  “It's kind of personal, Hyunjinnie,” Seungmin said, trying not to pay attention to how Hyunjin chewed his lower lip in thought.

  “I know,” Hyunjin responded. “I'll write you something personal. Even if you don't want to show me something, there's something I wanted you to read.”

  Seungmin noticed the intensity and barely detectable fear in Hyunjin's eyes. “Okay, Hyunjinnie. It better be good though,” he said with a smile.

  Hyunjin smiled back and skipped off on his own way. Seungmin shook his head with a giggle.

  Seungmin got a text when he wasn't even all the way home. He usually wasn't one to text and walk - it is a hazard, after all - but he made an exception after seeing the name on the screen.

[Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  i forgot to ask you, but do you want to hang out after school tomorrow?

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  none of my stupid friends this time ;>

Me:

  That sounds nice. What are we doing?

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

   hadn't really thought that far ahead sksksksk what do you want to do?

Me:

  You're a mess.

Me:

  We could go see a movie?

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  only if we can see a cheesy romance movie

Me:

  I'll allow it.

Hyunjinnie ♥️:

  see you then seungminnie ❤️]

  The tiny heart emoji made him let out an equally tiny laugh as he entered his house.

[Me:

  You free?

yOnGbOk:

  I'm out with Changbin

Me:

  Where?

yOnGbOk:

  We just went for a walk

yOnGbOk:

  He's not gonna murder me or anything, min

Me:

  I know. Have fun!

yOnGbOk:

  uwu]

  He envied Felix and Changbin on some level. They really were more upfront with each other than Hyunjin and Seungmin. Hyunjin always felt miles away, even next to him. He hoped that this writing thing would fix whatever was so awkward between the two of them.

~~~

  “People stare a lot,” Felix said simply, kicking pebbles on the sidewalk as they sat at a bench in the park. He was only stating the obvious. When people saw the two of them walking, hands clasped, they tended to gawk, sometimes their faces screwing up in disgust. Felix felt like there really was something wrong with him. He supposed there was.

  “I know,” Changbin conceded. “They do that here.”

  “It's different in Australia.”

  “I know. Do you miss it?”

  “A lot,” he said, staring at the ground. “It's scary here sometimes. Especially given that I'm so unforgivably homosexual.”

  Changbin laughed. “You and me both, Lix.”

  Felix smiled at the nickname. “I mean, you've dealt with this stuff before, right?”

  “To be honest,” Changbin said, messing with his own hands, “With Hyunjin it didn't happen much. And I wasn't out before that.”

  “I see.”

  Felix was causing him an inconvenience. He kicked the ground again, feeling a sense of guilt build in his stomach.

  “It's worth it, though,” Changbin added, looking up at the sky.

  “Hmm?”

  “To be able to be with you. It's worth the stares. And the giant trolls who are scared to admit you're the cutest thing on the planet. And every single question I get about why Hyunjin and I broke up.”

  Felix, dodging the compliment that was still churning over in his mind, turned to face Changbin. His eyes were glazed over but there was a soft smile on his face. “If you don't mind me asking, why did you and Hyunjin break up?”

  He shrugged. “I didn't love him. Never really did. He was cool, though. We're still friends. Especially after Seungmin and him started hanging out.”

  “Really? I heard it was a lot more dramatic than that.”

  “It wasn't. People are just…”

  “Extra.”

  “Yeah.”

  Felix nodded thoughtfully. Changbin threaded their fingers together and Felix tried not to die. Changbin's hands were bigger than his own, surprisingly soft, and definitely comforting. Felix let himself rub his hand with his thumb.

  There was a snicker from a group of guys walking past.

  Changbin snickered right back, emulating the spite in their laughter, making a face directed towards Felix just to make him laugh. It almost worked.

  “Hey, what's so funny?” one said. He had hair dyed some strange orange blond, reminiscent of when dark hair is bleached without toner, and a pair of thick angry eyebrows.

  Changbin squeezed Felix's hand tighter. Felix could already feel himself shaking, but Changbin was there, so it was as pleasant as it could be for the time being. “Oh, he just said something funny, don't worry about it!” Changbin said happily.

  That wasn't enough for the stranger or his horde. As they reoriented themselves to face the park bench, Felix felt his hands and heart slowly stop shaking. He was too tired. He wasn't going to put up with any more panicking, any more people treating him worse just because he was afraid to stand up for himself. He squeezed Changbin's hand as he laugh with him.

  “Well, do you want to know what we were laughing about?” the stranger said, friends elbowing each other and laughing.

  “Depends,” Felix answered. “Is it funny?”

  He sniggered again, tongue in his cheek. “We were laughing at a couple of disordered perverts who think it's okay to show their illness in front of the whole world. I think it's pretty funny.”

  Felix looked over at Changbin, eyes wide with mock surprise. “Oh my gosh! Is someone sick?”

  “And they're perverts!” Changbin said, hand covering his mouth.

  “Maybe they're contagious,” Felix worried. “I don't wanna get sick - I have a test coming up!”

  “Me too! We better go,” Changbin urged him, pulling him up, and together they sprinted in the opposite direction.

  Felix couldn't stop laughing as his feet pounded the pavement, Changbin’s shorter strides keeping up with his own, fingers intertwined as they ran to safety. They finally came to a stop when they turned a corner away from the park and were outside a different set of buildings. Felix struggled to catch his breath, laughing as Changbin making sure they hadn't been followed. Changbin returned to him, hands grabbing at Felix's arms, jumping up and down slightly.

  “That was so cool!” Felix enthused.

  Changbin nodded, grinning. “I can't believe you did that!”

  “Me neither, oh my God-”

  Changbin's lips were suddenly soft against Felix's, and Felix's whole body was frozen except for the harsh and definite shaking. Changbin soon pushed himself away off of Felix's biceps and his smile was frozen and his eyes darted around Felix's face.

  “I'm sorry,” Changbin said, face falling.

  “No!” Felix exclaimed, smile regaining its presence, wider than before. “I. Don't be sorry.”

  “You're shaking so bad,” Changbin noticed, still seeming dejected. “I didn't want to make you panic.”

  Felix examined his own trembling hands. “This is happy shaking. It happens sometimes,” he explained. “The only panic I'm in is a gay panic.”

  Changbin laughed, shaking his head, and holding Felix's hand again. “We really do need to get home.”

  “Alright.”

  The walk home was uneventful, other than Changbin insisting on walking Felix home to “keep him safe”. They actually arrived at the front of Seungmin's house, but Felix didn't tell Changbin that.

  “This is it,” Felix said, turning to face Changbin.

  “Alright,” Changbin said, looking at the ground before facing Felix again. “Can I… can I try again?”

  “Huh?”

  “Can I… kiss you? Again?”

  Changbin's face was red and Felix's hands began to quiver again as he smiled wide. “Yeah.”

  “...you have to stop grinning like that if you want me to,” Changbin whined.

  Felix did his best, but still smiled as Changbin pressed his lips against his again. It was softer, more expected, less panicky, and he smiled hard into it and felt the butterflies in his stomach threatening to escape. Changbin separated and smiled as well, laughing, and Felix did the same. “Bye, Changbinnie!”

  Felix rushed into Seungmin's house and let out a high-pitched scream.

  Seungmin rushed out of his room, concerned, to find Felix curled up into a ball on the hardwood floor, squirming and squealing.

  “Felix?”

  Felix stood up quickly, nearly falling over in the process, and grabbed Seungmin by the shoulders. “He kissed me. I'm not okay-”

  “What? Oh my God-”

  “I know!” Felix screamed, Seungmin smiling along with him.

  Seungmin hurriedly tugged him to sit down at the counter, facing him and eyes going wide. “Spill.”

  Felix took in a deep breath before relaying the whole story, occasionally stopping to hug Seungmin or fidget dramatically. Seungmin smiled once he was done and nodded approvingly. “Gyah, that's amazing, Felix!”

  “It feels so unreal,” he drawled, dragging a hand across his face.

  That night, while attempting to fall asleep, Felix heard his phone buzz. He should have ignored it, really, but he didn't.

[Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

  Are you awake ?

Me:

  of course. what's up?

Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

  Do you like me ?]

  Felix squinted at the words on his screen. What does he mean?

[Me:

  i let you kiss me

Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

  I know but

Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

  Can you just answer the question ?

Me:

  i do. i would say i like like you

Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

  You mean that ?

Me:

  I really do

Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

  Good

Me:

  ...are you not going to say anything else to that?

Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

  Fine

  Good, because I like you too

Me:

  ♥️💓♥️💗❣️💗♥️❤️💓

Binne ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

  Go to sleep]

  Felix giggled and then did just that.

~~~

  “Stop. No. Heart disease isn't on the agenda,” Seungmin whined, watching as Hyunjin dumped fake buttery liquid into their popcorn with reckless abandon, even using that weird trick where you use a straw to get it to the bottom of the bucket.

  “I'm here for a good time, not a long time,” Hyunjin claimed.

  “And soon a flatline,” Seungmin rhymed. Hyunjin laughed.

  They walked down the massive hallway, Seungmin soon finding their assigned theater and leading Hyunjin by his sleeve inside.

  Hyunjin had insisted they sit in the back middle, as ‘sitting too close doesn't allow you to see the full picture’. Seungmin thought it was a sweet sentiment (though he still made fun of it a little). They found their seats and Hyunjin immediately pressed the button to recline the seat. Seungmin snorted but did the same.

  Hyunjin placed his drink in his cupholder and realized in a flash that the armrest between their two seats could move such that the two spots were one - the notorious and largely unused 'cuddle seats’.

  “Don't even think about it,” Seungmin said.

  “I'm thinking about it,” Hyunjin replied, settling back into his rightful spot.

  Seungmin rolled his eyes and popped a piece of popcorn in his mouth. It tasted like clogged arteries. He ate more. He almost laughed to himself at the thought that it's like Hyunjin - amazing, addictive, and bad for his heart.

  They made fun of the movie previews and ads together, and the movie started with soft lyrical music. Seungmin was already kind of bored of it, but Hyunjin was staring at the screen with wide-eyed wonder, and Seungmin figured he could deal with that sight for an hour and half in case the movie really was dreadful.

  When the girl met the guy for the first time, he scowled at her. “You think you're so great just because everyone loves you?”

  Hyunjin leaned over the armrest to whisper, “That's you.”

  “Well, you actually are full of yourself,” Seungmin quipped back.

  Hyunjin giggled, resulting in a glare from others sitting around them.

  “Seungmin.”

  “What.”

  “We’re out of popcorn,” Hyunjin whined.

  “Yes,” Seungmin said. “You ate it all.”

  “I want more,” he said, shaking the empty bucket and staring at the bottom of it sadly.

  Seungmin sighed, un-reclining his chair so he could stand up. “You're paying,” he whispered.

  Hyunjin handed him a couple of bills and grinned at him as he walked past. Seungmin bought more popcorn, and added almost as much butter as Hyunjin had before. Seungmin still had his reservations, after all.

  He returned to the theater and to his seat to find that Hyunjin had lifted the armrest up, thus creating the prime cuddling spot that Seungmin had previously refused. He rolled his eyes again as he sat down, reclined his chair again, and placed the popcorn bucket in Hyunjin's hands. He smiled appreciatively.

  They soon finished the rest of the popcorn, and Hyunjin had migrated closer to the line between the chairs. Seungmin felt Hyunjin's hand start toying with the fabric on his long-sleeved shirt as he watched the movie, which was earning basically none of Seungmin's attention. Seungmin took Hyunjin's hand in his own to get him to be less distracting. However, Hyunjin did much worse.

  Hyunjin scooched to nestle himself under Seungmin's arm, resting his head on his chest, messing with his shirt again. Seungmin froze for what he assumed was a full minute before he let himself set one hand on Hyunjin's shoulder and one on top of his fidgeting fingers. Hyunjin gasped at a loud sound from the movie. Seungmin laughed.

  When the movie ended, Seungmin had to pry himself out from under Hyunjin's weight, rolling his eyes as Hyunjin tried to get him to carry him. They threw away their trash and made their way out to Hyunjin's car again. (Hyunjin can drive. It's all Seungmin could think about on the way there, but he'd calmed down a little by that point.) It was already dark outside, and the world outside was lit up. Seungmin took his seat and watched as Hyunjin started the engine.

  “So? What'd you think?”

  “It was boring,” Seungmin answered plainly.

  Hyunjin stuck his bottom lip out in a pout as he pulled out of the parking lot. “I thought it was sweet.”

  “Of course you did. You're a hopeless romantic.”

  “Maybe you're just not romantic enough,” Hyunjin teased.

  Seungmin had experienced more romance in the past hour than he had in his entire life before, and he just tried to ignore that fact. “Helps me keep my head on my shoulders, Hyunjinnie.”

  Hyunjin nodded and laughed.

  They talked about the movie, and Seungmin mostly faked his knowledge of it. Hyunjin didn't really seem to notice. Mostly, Hyunjin argued that it was cute, and Seungmin said it was cheesy and unrealistic. They arrived back at Seungmin's house soon and Hyunjin started to speak as soon as he parked. “I had fun today,” he said, looking over at Seungmin.

  Seungmin was thrown off by how magnetizing Hyunjin's eyes were - dark brown pools of shining void that Seungmin wanted to disappear into. He just smiled back at Hyunjin. “Yeah, me too. Though it would have been better if we saw something that was less terrible,” he said, leaning on the center console.

  Hyunjin rolled his eyes, and rested his elbow on the armrest. “Do you even like movies?”

  “Yeah, good ones,” Seungmin answered, poking Hyunjin in the shoulder accusingly. Hyunjin leaned in as he laughed and Seungmin became aware that they were very, very close.

  Hyunjin looked up at him (which he managed despite being taller than Seungmin) with his eyes dark, and ran his tongue along his soft lower lip. Seungmin tried not to watch.

  “Seungmin, can I kiss you?”

  Seungmin felt his heart lurch. “Yeah.”

  Hyunjin closed the small distance between them, Seungmin having to awkwardly twist his body in his seat to feel Hyunjin's lips against his with any amount of certainty. Hyunjin was soft, but he was eager, and Seungmin matched the movement of his mouth.

  Hyunjin's hand moved to the back of Seungmin's neck, and Seungmin reached across the console to put his hand on Hyunjin's. His tongue tasted like sweetened coffee. Hyunjin moved his hand to Seungmin's forearm and pulled, causing their teeth to hit together awkwardly. Hyunjin was helping him across the center console, into his lap, and Seungmin tried not to focus on Hyunjin's solid thighs underneath him as Hyunjin spoke with his breath against Seungmin's mouth. “You're really pretty, Seungminnie.”

  Seungmin's mouth was dry as he held Hyunjin's shoulders for support, even though he was also pressed against the steering wheel, so there wasn't really anywhere for him to go. “I really like you, Hyunjin.”

  Hyunjin smiled softly. “I really should be going.” He opened the driver’s side door and helped Seungmin off of his lap and onto the sidewalk, and drove off without another word.

  Seungmin's head quickly stopped spinning and he realized the odd lump in his throat. Hyunjin hadn't said he likes him too. He didn't even say goodbye. He threw him out of his car and drove away, and Seungmin felt used by the prettiest boy he'd ever met in his entire life. He walked to Felix's house instead of his own, walking in and falling down on his bed before Felix even took his headphones out.

  “Oh, hey, Seungmin, I didn't hear you- are you crying?”

  Seungmin let out the softest sob he could as Felix wrapped his arms around him. “What's wrong? Didn't you go out with Hyunjin? If he did anything, I'll kill him.”

  Seungmin shook his head. “I'm such an idiot. I really thought he liked me, Felix.”

  “Seungmin, you have to start at the beginning,” Felix said softly.

  “We made out in his car and then he kicked me out,” he said flatly.

  “What the hell? Tell me exactly what happened,” Felix insisted, rubbing soothing circles into Seungmin's hands as he sat across from him. Seungmin just stared at the bedspread.

  “We saw this movie, and we cuddled for most of it, and then he drove me home. And when we got here we were just really close and he asked if he could kiss me, so I said yes, and then he did. And we made out and he pulled me into his lap and he told me I'm pretty. I told him I really like him. And then he said he had to get going. And then I left. He didn't say anything else.”

  Felix made a sound of annoyance.

  “I was stupid to think Hyunjin would ever like me,” he sobbed.

  “You deserve better than Hyunjin,” Felix said, pulling Seungmin into his chest again. “If he doesn't like you, you don't need him. But.”

  Seungmin separated to look at Felix and wiped his eyes. “You need to talk to him,” Felix said. “I know you don't want to, and maybe he really doesn't like you, but you never know if you don't talk to him.”

  “Yeah,” Seungmin said. “I will.”

  That night, Seungmin stayed awake writing.

The words in my lungs finally escaped.

Despite the fear that drowned them,

The simple words pushed past my throat

And told him what secret I've held tight.

Security and fuzziness masked the danger,

and my ears still sting with how he scraped

his words against the remains of confidence,

there, underneath the heavy pale streetlight.

I know I was delusional to believe in hope.

His majesty and heart need what I don't have,

And I'll never truly feel like he belongs with me.

I will finally sleep if I give up the fight.

Despite all of the efforts and words I wrote,

My feelings were all roses and no foresight.

~~~

  Saturday night, Seungmin was at his own house, and Felix was at his own house, and it felt awkward. Felix asked if he wanted to hang out, maybe even just to talk about Hyunjin, but Seungmin insisted he was better off at home alone. The night was weird.

  It only got weirder with a text from Changbin.

[Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

  Are you home

Me:

  Uhhhh why are you asking?

Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

  Get your mind out of the gutter, Lix

Binnie ♥️💗💓❣️❤️:

   It's kind of important]

  Felix sighed and thanked God his host parents were always gone.

[Me:

  Yeah, I'm here]

  It wasn't even five minutes before Felix heard a knock on the door. He rushed to open it and saw, of course, Changbin, lit up from the light in Felix's kitchen. Changbin, with a large purple bruise growing in his jawline and a bloody nose.

  “Oh my God,” Felix mumbled, pulling Changbin into the house and closing the door. “What happened? Are you okay? Oh my God…”

  Changbin laughed. He laughed, and Felix was extremely confused. “I went to a party.”

  “You didn't ask me to come with?”

  “I only went because I knew orc face would be there. You should've seen his face when I called him out.”

  “You fought him?” Felix exclaimed, sitting with Changbin on the couch and watching his face for any further signs of pain. “Changbin-”

  “He looks much worse than I do.”

  “You could've gotten hurt. Worse.”

  Felix knew he was shaking at least a little, and he felt the pain of panic settling in his mind, but in the lowest setting - simmering and waiting. Changbin seemed to notice.

  “Hey, Lix. I'm sorry.” Changbin held Felix's hands in his own. “I didn't mean to scare you.”

  “You shouldn't do things like that!” Felix scolded with a weak smile.

  “I did it for you,” Changbin drawled cutely.

  “Well, I wish you wouldn't. I don't want someone to ruin your face.”

  “I'd still be beautiful.”

  “You aren't wrong, but please don't fight anyone else,” Felix said, sincerity dripping from his voice. He met Changbin's gaze and watched him nod.

  He reached up to touch Changbin's bruise, recoiling when he flinched. “Sorry. I have medicine?”

  “I'm okay,” Changbin said, running a hand through his hair and revealing a bleeding gash on his forehead.

  “No,” Felix said, standing up. “You're not.”

  Felix dragged him to the bathroom and opened the cupboard, finding a tube of Neosporin and a box of bandages. He held Changbin's shoulder to keep him from moving as he gently treated the wound.

  “All better!” Felix cheered, sealing the bandage down. He kissed Changbin's forehead right next to the wound and smiled. Felix loved when he was reminded how much shorter Changbin was than him. Changbin's face was tinged pink, and Felix kissed his nose with a giggle. Changbin grabbed his face quickly and kissed his lips, and Felix started to shake again, but Changbin quickly separated. “You’re so cute,” Changbin said.

  Felix laughed.

  Changbin followed Felix back out to the living room. “Is something bothering you, Lix? Other than me getting punched.”

  “How can you tell?”

  Changbin shrugged.

  Felix sighed as he sat down on the couch again. “It's just Seungmin and Hyunjin again. We don't have to talk about it, and I don't know if he wants me to tell you…”

  “If you give me the gist, I might be able to help?” Changbin said hopefully.

  “Is Hyunjin really a fuckboy?”

  Changbin laughed, but quickly stifled it. “I don't know how else to ask!” Felix whined.

  “People think he is,” Changbin started. “Truth is, Hyunjin may seem really emotional, but he's afraid of what people think of those emotions.”

  “That makes a lot of sense,” Felix mumbled.

  “I hope things work out with them.”

  “I will kill Hyunjin if he's mean to Seungmin.”

  “I'd help you. But I don't think Hyunjin would do that. I'm assuming that they're in some kind of misunderstanding, but I think they'll bounce back.”

  “I really do hope so,” Felix said, running his fingers over Changbin's knuckles. “Speaking of, Changbin, you… you said you like me?”

  “I did say that.”

  “Can you be more specific? I'm sorry if it's really stupid, and I know you said you like me. But maybe you didn't mean it how I thought you did-”

  Felix cursed himself for just letting him speak the way he was thinking, but his mind wouldn't shut up. It went on and on about how Changbin didn't like him, how he hadn't really heard him said it - how there was no proof, no reason.

  “Lix, I meant that I like you. I want to hold your hand and kiss you because you're absolutely adorable. I like you. If that's okay with you, of course-”

  “No, that's more than okay. Thank you.”

  “What are you thanking me for?”

  “Telling me. It helps. I get anxious about stuff a lot,” Felix conceded.

  “I know,” Changbin said.

  “And that's exactly why you shouldn't fight anyone else.”

  “But what if-”

  “ Don't. ”

~~~

  Hyunjin didn't text him that weekend. Felix had, to tell him what Changbin said, but Seungmin wasn't about to go the distance to fix Hyunjin's mistake. That was his responsibility. And Seungmin, as much as it hurt, knew he could live without Hyunjin. He was preparing himself for it.

  Hyunjin barely even glanced at him during student council, which was quite the feat given how interwoven their roles were. Seungmin had a piece of notebook paper place meticulously into his pocket that weighed him down, but he wouldn't let himself give it up. Not yet. Not to Hyunjin, who, for all Seungmin knew, broke his heart with no intention to fix it.

  He dismissed student council and absentmindedly waited for everyone to file out.

  “Seungmin.”

  Hyunjin wouldn't meet his gaze, but shoved a haphazardly folded piece of paper in his hand and moved to leave.

  “Hyunjin.”

  He stopped. Seungmin held out his piece to him, his poem, his parcel of things he didn't want to say. Hyunjin left.

  Seungmin managed to make it all the way home without reading the paper, but mustered up the courage as soon as he walked through the front door. No amount of waiting was going to change the fate sealed in it.

  There was a large block of text, scrawled in barely legible but pretty handwriting.

They all lied to me about who I am.

A glance at my face and I saw their fake smiles and they told me they loved me when they never knew that I was something.

I think in contradictions and all of them read the words that come from my mouth as additions on top of empty, empty, empty.

‘He is empty, empty,

empty of thoughts, empty of love,

empty of passions and dreams.’

Sometimes I believed them.

I pretended to love too many and I was empty, empty, empty,

In my promises and affections.

They all lied to me about him.

They saw him and they said he was cold but he is beautiful. I never understood.

When empty skull loves empty heart, the whole world turns upside down and I don't want to make another empty, empty,

empty promise.

In those words they don't listen to, I cannot find sincerity.

I do not believe them when I say them.

He is eloquent, and a heart like his doesn't deserve to be filled by empty, empty,

empty me and my pointless words.

I know I love him, but they tell me I know nothing, so I let the air between us remain empty, empty

empty.

  Seungmin breathed out slowly.

  He noticed first, of course, the freeform nature of it, but with the repeating mantra. The message stewed inside his brain second. It was clear, but he couldn't comprehend why Hyunjin said the things he did. Seungmin figures this is the most honest thing he's ever seen, and he gave Hyunjin a poem about how much he hurt him. Seungmin felt like a royal jerk.

  He found Hyunjin's contact and called him as fast as possible. He was relieved he even picked up.

  “Jinnie, I'm so sorry,” Seungmin babbled. “That poem is so mean , I didn't realize-”

  “No, Seungmin, I'm so sorry I did that to you,” Hyunjin choked. He was definitely crying, and it made Seungmin feel worse. “You deserve so much better-”

  “Can I talk first, Hyunjinnie? Just for a bit? I want to explain myself.”

   “Okay.”

  “I wrote that poem the night that you… that we went out. To see that movie. And I was so upset, I figured you didn't like me and were using me and people have told me before that there's no way you would ever like me. I just figured that was what happened. That you didn't like me. And I'm sorry I gave it to you.”

  “Can I go now?”

  Seungmin nodded, forgetting Hyunjin couldn't see him. Still, he continued.

  “I treated you like that because I just didn't know what else to do. When you said that. That you like me. I wanted to say it back, so badly. But I felt all of those things I wrote about and I just couldn't. I didn't want you to think I was lying.”

  “Can you come over?” Seungmin blurted.

  “Yeah, I'll be ten minutes.”

  Nine minutes later, Seungmin opened the door to find Hyunjin standing outside. Seungmin stood on his toes to wrap his arms around Hyunjin's shoulders. “I'm sorry.”

  “No, I'm sorry,” Hyunjin said, voice still shaky with sobs.

  Seungmin invited him back to his room, and Hyunjin sat on the other side of his mattress and messed with the stitching on a throw pillow. “People think I'm stupid, Seungmin. They think I don't know anything about anything.”

  “That isn't true, Hyunjin.”

  “I know. But they think that. And it hurts,” he said, looking up at Seungmin. “And I know what people say about you, and I knew they were wrong. And that made me think that what they say about they me is wrong, too.”

  “God, Hyunjin-”

  “Seungmin, I really like you. And I know it. I'm sure.”

  Hyunjin was staring at Seungmin with void dark eyes shiny, face open and vulnerable and Seungmin felt his words caught in his throat. “Hyunjin, I really like you, too.”

  Hyunjin smiled, eyes crinkling, and looked down. “That's good.”

  “Yeah,” Seungmin said, voice lost like a cloud too high up to see clearly. His life was unreal. A joke. There was no way. But Hyunjin leaned forward and kissed him quickly and it was real, everything, so much more than he thought anything could be.

  “And even if people say there's no way I could like you. I do. Never doubt that,” Hyunjin continued.

  “I. Thank you, Hyunjin.”

  Hyunjin smiled.

  “I don't think you're stupid, Hyunjin. You're pretty, but you're funny and smart. I'll write you something,” Seungmin rambled.

  “Thank you, Minnie.”

  Seungmin laughed lightly. Hyunjin was glowing, and Seungmin felt so much better than he had before. He was okay. Things were okay. Hyunjin was okay.

  Seungmin sat down to write that night and refused to sleep until he had written something that was good enough.

  Tuesday at school, Seungmin slipped another carefully folded piece of paper into Hyunjin's palm during chemistry, and did his best not to look at him for the rest of the day. He was nervous. Despite everything Hyunjin said, Seungmin still doubted himself, though he worried that Hyunjin would think he doubted his sincerity. Seungmin brushed it off.

  “Seungmin!”

   He caught me .

  Seungmin turned to see Hyunjin, black hair messy, a big smile on his face and folded paper in his hands. “Do you have a second?”

  “Well, I have a class…”

  “Lunch isn't even over yet,” Hyunjin pointed out.

  “I suppose you're right.”

  “Anyway. This,” he said, holding up the paper, “is really good. It's beautiful. And I just want to thank you for writing it.”

  “It's a bref double.”

  “A what?”

  “The poetry format. You know what, whatever. I'm just glad you like it.”

  Hyunjin grinned, the smile reaching his eyes and making his whole face look soft. “I really do like it. Thank you.”

  Seungmin smiled. “Does it make up for what I said before?”

  “I never was mad about that. So yes, I guess so.”

  “Good.”

  Seungmin smiled back at Hyunjin, noticing how his face scrunched up in… adoration? The emotion was hard to pinpoint but Seungmin loved it on Hyunjin's face.

  The bell rang and Seungmin darted off to class, but not before being stopped by Hyunjin with a soft kiss on the cheek. Seungmin's first thought of what to say was I love you , but he didn't say it. He may have basically written it a million times, but saying it was different.

  He had basically written it, in the poem he gave to Hyunjin.

The secret I've held for months bloomed,

Like flowers, until my lungs couldn't hold them,

And stretched towards the gardener's hand

With the brevity I've never found alone.

Around him I am secure and comfortable,

With none of the poison I had assumed.

He struggles to tell me the things he knows,

But I see how he has given up the throne.

I've believed myself to be more than bland.

But there's a bundle of pride that sits there

Behind his dark endless eyes, and he knows

He has left my defenses open, unsewn.

Despite all the tears and the words that I wrote,

He is nearly mine, and I finally understand.

~~~

  “-fucking love him, Changbin, I love him, he wrote me a poem-”

  “Tell him, then! Why are you asking me about this?”

  “We're friends? I can't talk with any of my other friends about it… and I'm not talking to Felix-”

  “Whoops,” Felix intervened, grabbing Changbin's hand as he emerged from the hallway he had been only slightly eavesdropping from.

  Hyunjin's eyes went wide. “Oh, my God.” He hid his face in his hands and Felix felt a little bit bad.

  “You were, uh, talking about Seungmin, right?” Felix asked.

  Hyunjin nodded meekly.

  “Then I can override the best friend full transparency agreement for now. You better tell him soon, though, or I won't be able to just not tell him.”

  Hyunjin groaned loudly. “But I'm scared , Lixie.”

  Changbin rolled his eyes. “You're both whipped for each other. Stop being so unsure of yourself.”

  "Easier said than done, Changbin,” Hyunjin mocked.

  “Well, all you have to do is say it, so it's kind of not.”

  “Then why don't you tell Felix right now, hmm?”

  Felix felt his hands tremble but a laugh also escaped his throat as Changbin started spluttering. Of course, the spinning of his mind was beginning, but it was in the background.

  “Shut up, Hyunjin,” Changbin managed, crossing his arms.

  Hyunjin shook his head.

  “What's up, losers? And Hyunjin and Felix,” Seungmin said, joining them right outside the exit to the school.

  “Yah!” Changbin yelled.

  Seungmin laughed maniacally and Felix fist bumped him quickly. “You're all teaming up against me,” Changbin muttered.

  Felix laughed and squeezed his hand.

  “Y'all got plans?” Hyunjin asked.

  “I'm not hanging out with you and Satan's own beloved son,” Changbin said.

  “Aw, come on,” Felix argued.

  Changbin leaned close to his ear and Felix tried not to focus on his voice and how it was so gravelly and made his spine shiver. “Let Hyunjin talk to Seungmin. Alone.”

  “But I wanted to hang out with Seungmin,” Felix complained.

  Changbin widened his eyes and stared at Felix, face in some sort of a pout.

  “Okay,” Felix said, louder. He felt his whole brain and its does Changbin love me? chattering short-circuit. “Since Changbin's salty, we’re gonna leave you two be.”

  “Felix-” Seungmin started.

  “Love you, Seungminnie!”

  Felix and Changbin started away from the two of them quickly. “Where are we even going?” Felix asked.

  “I didn't really think of that,” Changbin said. “I was kind of just planning on going home and passing out or something.”

  “Are you tired? We don't have to hang out if you don't want to.”

  “I always want to hang out with you, Lix.”

  Felix giggled and let his thoughts sit in fuzzy silence. “Then, what should we do?”

  Changbin shrugged.

  “Do you like… movies?”

  “Depends?”

  “I have a box set of Spider-Man movies at home? With Korean subtitles?”

  “Count me in.”

~~~

  “One large chocolate shake, please, two straws.”

  “I wanted vanilla,” Seungmin whispered.

  Hyunjin made a face at him. “Vanilla's boring.”

  “It's good,” Seungmin sassed back. “I don't think I can date you if you don't like vanilla.”

  “I never said I didn't like it. I just said it's boring.”

   Like me .

  Seungmin shook it off and instead focused on Hyunjin's soft profile and his slight smile. He collected the milkshake and rushed over to sit down at one of the high tables. Seungmin was worried Hyunjin would fall off the stool and hurt himself, honestly, but he chalked that up to Hyunjin's aloof behavior and not his own feelings. Though, Seungmin did have feelings, and a lot of them, just for Hyunjin. He sighed.

  Hyunjin took a long drink of the milkshake and made some happy noise that Seungmin smiled at. He drank some from his own straw. It tasted milky, and a little bitter, like Hyunjin’s coffee taste. It was good.

  “So?” Hyunjin said.

  “So?” Seungmin repeated.

  “How's the prettiest boy in the whole world doing?”

  Seungmin rolled his eyes. “I don't know, how are you?” he deadpanned.

  Hyunjin's eyes went wide before he laughed. It was a strong genuine laugh, and Seungmin just wanted it to be his ringtone or something. To hear it every day.

  “So I'm the flirty romantic one,” Hyunjin teased.

  “Duh. You just make things easy for me.”

  Hyunjin smiled again. “You're cute, Seungmin.”

  Seungmin laughed. He didn't really want to be mean in response. He loved Hyunjin. He really did. He let himself accept that.

  They talked aimlessly for a while and eventually made it to the bottom of their milkshake. They left, and Seungmin smiled at how Hyunjin bumbled down the sidewalk to his car. Seungmin tried and failed to open the locked car door. “Hey, uh, Seungmin?”

  “Yeah?”

  Hyunjin had that serious look on his face, with dark void eyes, but with the vulnerable tint that made Seungmin want to protect him from whatever was going on.

  Hyunjin held out a piece of paper. More specifically, an origami crane, carefully formed and made of light pink paper. “Unfold it,” Hyunjin instructed.

  “But it's pretty,” Seungmin said, pouting slightly. Still, he did as Hyunjin said.

 There was a short poem written on the paper with red pen in Hyunjin's distinct handwriting.

Don't know when I knew,

But I know that I am sure,

Sure that I love you.

  Seungmin laughed slightly, but then let out progressively more small chuckles. “What?” Hyunjin said, laughing as well.

  Seungmin grabbed him by the forearms and stood on his toes to kiss him, firmly, and he laughed when Hyunjin smiled into it. “I love you too, Hyunjin."

  Hyunjin scrunched his nose up. “You mean that?”

  “Of course,” Seungmin whispered. He kissed him again, before returning back to his normal height.

  Hyunjin grinned and practically sprinted to sit in the car again. He kissed Seungmin again briefly and giggled as he put the key in the ignition.

  “I love you, Hyunjin,” Seungmin said, getting used to the way his mouth formed the words. He was buzzing. His whole heart glowed with the light of a thousand suns and with Hyunjin's own gleaming skin.

  “I love you too, Seungmin.”

  Seungmin grinned, open mouthed, absolutely joyful. He couldn't help but remember how he would have reacted to his a few months ago, how we would have felt about the idea that Hyunjin, Hwang Hyunjin, loved him. It was fast and it was new, and it was beautiful. Glowing.

~~~

  Felix would love to say that Changbin said he loved him there, watching Spider-Man while cuddled together eating snacks as Changbin nodded off to sleep against Felix's chest, but he didn't. In fact, Changbin didn't say he loved him that day. Felix was okay with it. Even though his mind buzzed constantly with fear of rejection, he felt something in each squeeze of his hand, each gentle forehead kiss. Felix knew he loved Changbin. But it could wait.

  It was nearly the end of the school year, about a month and a half after Seungmin and Hyunjin had their big moment of poetry-based confession. It was warm outside in the way that made the grass hug Felix's fingertips and the sun coax his freckles to the surface. It was beautiful.

  On a warm Friday, Felix was sitting with Changbin right beside him under a tree near the soccer fields, currently unused, Seungmin writing in his notebook peacefully as Hyunjin arranged flowers in Seungmin's hair. It was beautiful. He figured he could live in that moment forever and still be happy, just like he was.

  Changbin tapped his hand to get his attention.

  “Hmm?”

  Changbin looked at him for a little. “You're beautiful.”

  “Ah, don't spring that stuff on me!” Felix groaned, running a hand over his face. “I wasn't prepared!”

  Changbin laughed lightly, settling back under Felix's arm. “How do you feel, Lix?”

  “Right now?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Perfect. This is everything, you know?”

  Changbin smiled and nodded. “Lix, what are you going to do when I graduate?”

  Felix stiffened. “I… I don't know. I've talked with my parents about staying in Korea. They say it's okay. And you're going to college in Seoul…”

  “Yeah?”

  Felix breathed in deeply. “So I'll stay here. And hope you visit me when you have the time.”

  “I'll always have the time for you,” Changbin said.

  “Thank you.”

  Changbin rested his head against Felix's shoulder and his breathing steadied.

  “I love you,” Felix said, quietly. It was near impossible to pick up over the peaceful silence, but the shifting of Changbin underneath him confirmed he heard it.

  “I love you too, Lix.”

  Felix turned when he heard some scuffle from where Seungmin and Hyunjin were sitting.

  “Not out loud!” Seungmin griped, attempting to retrieve his notebook.

  “I'm gonna read it out loud,” Hyunjin claimed.

  He did.

He's a fairy tale, they told me.

  You wouldn't dare go near to him!

  He must have a princess to see,

Waiting in some distant kingdom.

I found him in this place bleakly,

 Still perfect under lights so dim.

He's a fairy tale, they told me.

  You wouldn't dare go near to him!

The princess thing ended badly,

  Not as predicted in the hymn.

  He much prefers the antonym.

Even as we stand so closely,

He's a fairy tale, they tell me.

  You wouldn't dare go near to him!

  “Seungmin, that's so good ,” Changbin mused.

  Seungmin didn't respond, only stirred uncomfortable.

  Felix laughed. “Seungmin, that's gay. ”

  “It's actually about how Hyunjin is gay,” Seungmin explained.

  “Yeah, for you,” Changbin said.

  Hyunjin threw his arms around Seungmin haphazardly. “Yep, I'm gay for Seungmin. Gay, gay, gay-”

  “Oh, get off-”

  Felix laughed. This was everything he ever wanted. The sun soon set on the field and Hyunjin drove them all home with music blasting, and Felix fell asleep in the summer warmth, wrapped in what could only be described as love.