Chapter Text
“What were you thinking?!”
The world around him seemed to tunnel as Blade stared at his chief with empty eyes.
“You could have died, Chrysler damn it!”
Yeah. Maybe I should have…
“Hey! Ranger! Are you even listening to me?!”
Blade remained silent, resolutely staring at a spot right above his trainer’s rotors. He didn’t have the strength to bear the angered looks thrown his way. Not after what had just happened. His gaze wandered to the window, glancing at the black casket that was waiting outside. Waiting to be picked up and get the poor soul inside identified.
“If it hadn’t been for Mayday you would be right out there in a casket as well! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? THIS IS EXACTLY THE REASON WHY WE HAVE RULES, RANGER!”
He could tell that his chief was furious but at that moment it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.
I couldn’t save her… I’ve trained, I’m nearly certified and yet…
The thought was almost too much to bear. Her screams had sounded so much like his, the picture unfolding before him much the same. Burning, twisted metal, fluids everywhere, screaming people all around. And him in the middle, absolutely helpless.
This is exactly the thing I wanted to prevent! So why? Why did it still happen?!
“Ranger, are you with me?”
Blade stayed silent, still not meeting the other helicopter’s eyes. He knew that there was a chance that the chief knew of his circumstances, but there was no way she could know just how much pain Blade was going through every single day. The only motivation he had to get up at all was that he desperately wanted to help keep others from having to go through what he did and still does. And now somebody had died.
All because I couldn’t save her…
Blade wanted to cry.
“Woah… Er, no need to cry… I’m sorry, I just. You know I was just worried about you, right? Everything’s okay, hey…”
“NO! It’s not! Somebody’s dead!”
It was the thirst thing he’d said since getting pulled from the flames. It was enough to momentarily stun the chief into silence, leaving Blade with the crippling self-doubt of not only having failed somebody he was supposed to protect but also disappointing the one person that put up with his shit on a daily basis to get him that certificate.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, I shouldn’t have been so reckless, I just…”
His voice broke, unable to say the painful reality out loud. I just couldn’t let another person die right in front of me.
The chief sighed, the anger slowly fading and being replaced with sympathy as she regarded Blade with a somewhat helpless expression.
“Losing people is never easy. Trust me, I know that, but it’s part of the job, as much as teambuilding exercises and putting out fires. You can’t just throw yourself into the flames like that. Your life is worth just as much as everybody else’s. Nobody gets anything from both of you dying.”
Blade simply nodded. He knew that, had told himself the same thing over and over again. And yet he knew that, given the chance, he’d readily do it again.
“Listen. What you did today was dangerous and reckless and technically I would have to punish you one way or another to ensure it never happens again. Normally I wouldn’t hesitate in doing so either but I get the feeling that that wouldn’t do any good on you. So here’s what we’re going to do. You’re a week away from your final exam to get your certificate of achievement. Until then you will refrain from joining the team on any missions. Use the time to study if you must. Instead, you will spend your time with Mayday, the one who saved your life today, whenever he is on base. I hope he’ll be able to teach you a thing or two about staying alive through this job. Before I let you do your exam I’ll ask him for an evaluation of whether or not he thinks you can be trusted with this on your own. If he says no, I’ll be forced to have you go through an official evaluation, and you and I both know that with your history that likely won’t go over well. So please, if this job means anything to you, take this seriously. And use the week wisely.”
Blade was momentarily shocked into silence. With the way that this lecture had started he had half expected to be fired immediately. Or at least to have some sort of disciplinary issue.
She’s giving me a chance…
And Blade vowed he would do his best to take it. He wanted this job. He wanted it more than anything.
One way or another, Nick, I will do this for you. I’ll be a firefighter and I’ll honor you every single day by making sure nobody has to ever go through our pain. By any means I have to! I promise you that.
He was still crying but now he had the strength to finally meet his chief’s eyes. There was a moment of mutual understanding before Blade turned around and headed for the door. Before exiting the office completely he turned back one last time, allowing the gratitude to openly show in his eyes.
“Thank you.”
The helicopter smiled back, giving a small nod of acknowledgment.
“Thank me by making it through the test, Blade.”