Work Text:
bangchan can’t sleep and it isn’t difficult to tell.
now that he’s finally done with the newest album, he has to start on the next. concept, tracklist, choreography, music video, the to-do list is never ending. should he start writing lyrics already? should he put more concealer to hide the dark eye circles so no one worries? should he be doing more for the team?
he’s worried for the team. is everyone eating well, sleeping well? especially the younger ones. can jeongin and seungmin cope with school? is felix not overworking himself? is hyunjin eating enough? is jisung alright?
has he been too harsh on everyone with the first performance dawning on everyone? has he been there for everyone throughout the stressful preparation period? come to think of it, he can’t remember how the members seemed throughout the past few months. has he been so caught up with work to notice the small things?
has he, has he, has he.
bangchan puts a smile on his face.
-
changbin is stressed and it isn’t difficult to tell.
what if, what if, what if. there are so many uncertainties and factors. what if stray kids doesn’t make it big? what if the new album isn’t a hit? what if the stays don’t like the new album?
what if, what if, what if. resounding in changbin’s head are the constant questions that he can’t shake. what if all the hard work the boys have put in all go down the drain? everyone has worked so hard to record and practice to show the stays the best side of themselves. what if he forgets his dream? he doesn’t want to forget his passion and love for music. he dreads the day that music becomes a chore instead of a joy. what if he end up being the person he doesn’t want to be? he doesn’t want to be an angry old man who lost his wonder and curiosity.
what if, what if, what if.
changbin puts a smile on his face.
-
jisung can feel the sadness getting to him and it isn’t difficult to tell.
when he can’t finish his verse with a good flow, when he can’t execute a move correctly, when he misses a beat while singing, he feels a little less confident. why can’t he get it? everyone seems to be catching on well, why is it just him?
is he good enough? maybe he isn’t as good, good enough to be a part of stray kids. is he a burden? he knows minho has to stay back to teach him, he knows changbin has to go through his flow with him, he knows woojin tries his best to help him hit his notes. he’s eating away at everyone’s time. is he slowing everyone down? everyone seems so far ahead, it seems like he would never catch up.
is he, is he, is he.
jisung puts a smile on his face.
-
they think they’re discreet, that they hide their feelings well.
-
felix wakes up one night. it’s 2.19am. rubbing his eyes, he heads to the kitchen. passing the shoe rack, it hits him that bangchan hyung’s shoes aren’t on the rack.
‘is bangchan hyung still not back? damn, he’s probably still at the studio,’ felix mutters to himself. he scolds the leader mentally for always making felix lose sleep over the fact that he doesn’t sleep. he quickly grabs a coat, slips his shoes on and heads out to the studio.
bangchan startles when he hears the door click. who’s here at this time? from what he knows, all the members are sound asleep back at the dorms. he spins around in his chair to see felix, eyes puffy and hair a mess, standing at the door. felix sends a sharp glance towards bangchan, walking in what’s supposed to be a menacing way, when it really was just him shuffling.
‘hyung. why are you still up? it’s 2.40am, you need to sleep. our comeback show is the day after tomorrow,’ felix nags, switching to his native language. ‘if you can’t sleep, you can always sleep with me. i can make you chamomile tea too. you can’t just keep messing up your sleep schedule like this. you know it isn’t healthy.’
bangchan sighs, rubbing his face with both hands and replies, ‘lix, i know. i just… just… i’m scared. i don’t know if i’m a good enough leader. i’m so caught up with preparations i don’t know if i’ve been there for the members when they needed me. i’m sorry lix, i’ll sleep earlier from now, i promise.’
‘hyung. you told me to always come find you. you should know that you can always come find me. you’ve been the best leader i could have ever asked for and i need you to know that. i don’t even think i could’ve debuted without you. don’t think so lowly of yourself.’ felix emphasizes. ‘please…’
felix isn’t exaggerating. honestly, without bangchan, felix doesn’t know how he would’ve survived the harsh trainee days when he barely knew the korean language. it was only because he had bangchan hyung to guide him along and help him when he had troubles. bangchan hyung is always there to comfort him and encourage him when he wants to give up. bangchan hyung’s presence helped him get over the homesickness, the days where he just wanted to fly back to australia to see his family instead of living in this foreign country where he could barely communicate.
felix pulls bangchan into the tightest hug he could muster, trying to convey all his feelings and his love through the hug. bangchan sniffles, tears starting to leak out of his eyes. he buries his head into the crook of felix’s neck and snuggles closer to the younger.
it wasn’t often that the leader showed weakness. every time he did, felix was there for him. felix swears to himself that he will be there every time the older needed him, just like what the latter had done for him.
‘hey, hey,’ felix whispers into bangchan’s ear. ‘i’m not gonna leave you behind. i love you so much. i hope you know that.’ felix plants a small kiss on bangchan’s temple, slowly rubbing his back.
bangchan looks up and presses a quick kiss to felix’s lips.
‘i love you too, lix. so, so, so much. i don’t know what i would do without you. thank you for always being here.’
the next morning, when changbin and jisung arrives at the studio, they find the two australians tangled and pressed tight to each other on the small loveseat. they share a small smile before moving to another studio, leaving the two to have their privacy.
-
it’s 11.37pm.
hyunjin drags himself to changbin’s room with his eyes closed. ‘hyung, i can’t sleep.’ hyunjin whines, flopping onto the familiar bed, expecting to feel a warm body under him. when he only feels the sheets under him, he cracks his eyes open, glancing at the desk next to the bed.
the lamp was switched on, illuminating changbin’s scratchy handwriting in his notebook and his head buried in his hands. next to the notebook lay several pieces of scrunched up or ripped paper. on the notebook, a phrase read ‘나 무서워’. hyunjin’s heart hurts. what is changbin scared of? hyunjin wishes he knew. changbin isn’t one to share his feelings whenever he had the chance. he prefers to keep to himself, only letting his feelings out when he really couldn’t contain them anymore. it isn’t healthy, but this is the way changbin functions.
hyunjin sighs internally. now that it’s comeback season, it isn’t odd to see changbin staying up to write or produce. but this doesn’t mean that it bodes well with hyunjin. hyunjin knows overworking one’s body is the worst and he has experienced it first hand. he wishes that changbin could realise that too and take care of his health better.
‘hyung. what happened? are you okay?’ hyunjin sobers up, rising to a sitting position. he looks at changbin’s head of unkempt hair in worry. hyunjin sighs and coaxes, ‘come here, cuddles.’
changbin pulls himself out of his chair and collapses into hyunjin’s open arms, groaning. he melts into hyunjin’s hug like a puddle and sighs in content, feeling much more relaxed already.
‘wanna talk about it?’ hyunjin suggests, giving changbin a head massage.
changbin groans and looks up at hyunjin. hyunjin shoots him a pointed look, reminding the elder of the talk they had about sharing makes problems better. changbin sighs again and rolls out of hyunjin’s arms before starting to ramble.
‘i’m just, worried, to put it lightly. but that’s an understatement i guess. i can’t seem to write any good lyrics for our next comeback and i don’t know why it doesn’t come to me as easily anymore. am i losing passion? i’m so scared to become one of the lifeless people who forget their passion and their love for something. i made a promise to myself to never reach that stage, but what if i’m already there? i want to be the person i rap about. there are so many things we don’t know and it’s make me stressed. i’m sorry jinnie, i didn’t mean to ramble.’ changbin smiles weakly at hyunjin, eyes misty.
hyunjin coos and replies, ‘hyungie, don’t worry. i know you still have the passion, i can see it in your eyes. i’m not lying to make you feel better. i mean, don’t you remember the song you produced… was is… ‘Wow’?’
hyunjin grins, pleased with his joke. that grin, however, is soon replaced by a yelp when changbin slaps him on his shoulder, letting out a soft chuckle.
‘okay, no, but for real, don’t worry about it binnie hyung. don’t worry about the future. let’s just live our life as it is now and make the most out of every moment because we won’t be able to relive it. live in the moment, hyung. also, i’m sure that the reason why you can’t write lyrics as easily is cause you haven’t been resting enough,’ hyunjin huffs, pulling changbin back his arms. hyunjin hates seeing changbin stressed. he knows how much changbin values passion and the elder is the most passionate person hyunjin has met, but insecurities are always bound to take over.
hyunjin kisses all over changbin’s face, making the latter giggle and attempt to push him away. changbin squirms and finally succeeds in flipping hyunjin over. hyunjin giggles breathily, staring into his boyfriend’s eyes with all the love in the universe and beyond.
‘i love you,’ changbin whispers before planting a fat kiss onto hyunjin’s lips. hyunjin smiles into the kiss, grabbing onto changbin’s face and deepens the kiss.
changbin breaks the kiss and flops down next to hyunjin. they flip to face each other, eyes filled with love as they gaze into each other eyes. hyunjin grins dopily, causing changbin to peck his boyfriend’s lips again.
‘i’m so thankful for you. thank you for always being here to listen to me no matter how dumb or unnecessary my worries may be. i really really wouldn’t know what to do without you. since our trainee days, you’ve been such a constant. i know i don’t tell you what’s going on all the time and i’m so sorry. i’ll change. i know i’m not the easiest boyfriend to have. i love you so much, jinnie. you’re the best.’ changbin expresses, hands playing with hyunjin’s hair.
hyunjin nuzzles into changbin’s touch and wraps his arms around changbin’s toned waist.
‘i love you too.’
-
jisung and minho are still in the dance studio, long after the rest had left. minho had stayed behind to help jisung work on a move that the rapper claimed he couldn’t do. they’ve been dancing for little over three hours, and minho, to say the least, is tired.
‘yah han jisung, can we take a break or go back to the dorms? the move looks good to me and i’m tired,’ minho drawls, wiping the sweat dripping from his chin.
‘i don’t know why you can’t see where i’m going wrong! it’s so obvious that i’m not sharp enough and i’m not executing it with the correct feeling. if you don’t want to help, you can just go back to the dorms, hyung. you don’t have to waste your time on me if you don’t want to,’ jisung snaps, running his hand through his hair in frustration.
minho stares at jisung in shock. usually, no matter how stressed jisung got, he wouldn’t snap or lose his temper this easily. jisung would always be the first to take a step back and mediate the situation. he is the team’s moodmaker and mediator. jisung losing his temper was as often as a shooting star falling from the sky.
jisung, coming to his senses, shakes the hair out of his eyes and apologises, ‘sorry hyung, i stepped out of line. i shouldn’t have snapped at you. i’m sorry.’
minho walks to jisung and embraces him in a hug. he runs his hands up and down jisung’s back in an attempt to comfort the younger. jisung sniffles and pulls away, blubbering about how sorry he is.
‘ji, are you okay? i know you never snap and you have the patience of a saint. do you want to talk about it? i can text chan hyung to tell him we’ll be back later than planned,’ minho asks cautiously, not wanting to set jisung off again.
jisung sinks down onto the well-worn black couch and nods. minho sits down next to him and the rapper curls into minho’s side.
‘i’m sorry hyung. i’ve just been so insecure and stressed recently, and i know it isn’t an excuse for me to take my anger out on you. my depression is coming back and… i… i…’ jisung trails off as sobs start overtaking him, limiting his ability to speak. minho feels his heart wrench. yeah, he teases and makes fun of the younger every day without fail, but he still loves his boyfriend to death. no one, especially not the happy-go-lucky squirrel look-alike, deserved to experience the pain of feeling unworthy.
minho rubs jisung’s arm and kisses his cheeks repeatedly, helping to calm jisung’s violent sobs down. he’s angry, angry at the world for causing his baby so much pain, angry at the unfairness. he would give everything to make jisung happy.
‘baby, i’m here. i’m always here. you’re not a burden.’ minho says angrily. ‘you’re the most amazing person that i know and you’re the best thing that has happened to me. you’re the more remarkable, talented person i know. everybody makes mistakes, and the small mistakes you make won’t make me or anyone, for that fact, love you less. you’re perfect just the way you are. i love you so much, the members and stays do too. i love you baby, please stop worrying about who you are. you’re so much more than enough. the world is so blessed to have someone as precious as you.’
jisung keeps quiet, only cuddling minho tighter. minho’s heart breaks a little as he continued to soothe the younger.
‘jisungie, even the darkest shadows need a light to exist. it might seem bleak now, but remember, there will always be a light waiting for you, and i’m always with you on your journey through the darkness. please don’t forget that,’ minho tries again, eyes watery as he looked at the male curled up into a fetal position in his arms.
‘i love you, hyung,’ jisung whispers, hand tightening on minho’s shirt.
‘are you ready to talk about it?’ minho questions gently. jisung shakes his head slightly, causing minho to deflate a little.
‘hyung, it’s not that i don’t trust you. i’m just not ready now. i promise that i’ll tell you when i’m ready,’ explains jisung. ‘i’m just thankful to have you here right now.’ jisung looks up to smile at minho, and minho falls in love with him more. his eyes are sparkling like the brightest stars in the sky, even when he was at his lowest.
‘i love you, baby.’
‘me too, hyung.’