Archive of Our Own

Todoroki wasn’t quite sure when it had started. This... feeling. It was as if he were on top of the world, but also being punched in the gut every time he saw him.
Him.
He was Midoriya Izuku, the boy that threw away the sports festival to save him.
Maybe save was a strong word to most. But to Todoroki, it was almost too weak of a word. Midoriya had cared for him when he had given up on himself. Todoroki was positive that if Midoriya hadn’t saved him that day, he’d never have been able to be saved.
“Todoroki!”
Todoroki’s heart fluttered in his chest when he heard the familiar voice calling to him.
“Todoroki, hi!” Midoriya caught up to Todoroki’s side. The two had been through a lot together, now that Todoroki thought about it.
He and Midoriya had saved Iida from Stain, they had saved Bakugou from the league of villains, and honestly? The two teens had become so much closer than Todoroki ever thought possible.
“Todoroki, here,” Midoriya handed him a small, folded piece of paper.
“Midoriya?” Todoroki questioned, slightly confused. He looked up from the slip of paper to Midoriya, who was blushing.
Todoroki tilted his head in slight curiosity, opening the slip of paper.
Todoroki, I like you
Todoroki looked over that sentence one, two, three times before the words finally sunk in. His heart pounded as his face flushed. It was the familiar sensation of being punched in the gut, but coupled with a feeling like he was falling from a great height. Todoroki couldn’t tell if it was a good sensation or not. He covered his face with one of his hands and quickened his pace.
No, he couldn’t tell if it was a good sensation or not, but he did know one thing for sure. He couldn’t be around Midoriya in that moment, as he needed to calm down.
“Todoroki?” The confused male’s voice calls after him, but Todoroki continues walking to class. He couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t. Not yet. Not right now. He needed to calm down.
Todoroki had ended up in the bathroom after he’d run from Deku. He turned on the sink and pressed cold water to his face to snap out of it. He needed to gain composure before class started. He stared at his flustered reflection. Not many would be able to tell anything was actually off with him. He had his usual deadpan expression, and his eyes were blank and void of expression as always. But he knew one person would be able to tell.
He would be able to tell.
Todoroki made it to class just before Aizawa arrived. Midoriya had a concerned expression. Todoroki swore that he had seen that expression more than anyone else. The expression... the one where Midoriya’s brows furrowed, and his green eyes shines with so much concern, it physically hurt his heart. The one where it was obvious he had completely forgotten about himself, and was focused on one thing: saving someone.
That expression scared Todoroki.
Todoroki walked to his desk, avoiding Midoriya’s gaze. He sat and half listened to the lecture that was going on. All he could think about was Midoriya’s gaze, which he was sure was locked into him.
His stomach, which still felt like it was falling, jumped at the idea that Midoriya was worried for him. That Midoriya cared for him, despite what a failure he was.
Todoroki snapped back to reality when a ball of paper landed on his desk. He gazes at the crumpled note before slowly opening it, with a quick glance at the teacher, and then at Midoriya(who was staring at him with wide eyes), before reading what it said.
Todoroki, I really like you
Those words seemed to settle the conflicting feeling in his gut. The sensation of falling and being punched at the same time faded into nonexistence.
I should tell him, Todoroki thought, That I return his feelings.
Oh, how he wished it were that easy. Reality hit him like a ton of bricks.
Just be honest with yourself , a quiet, nagging voice in the back of his head said, You’ll only hurt him.  
Instead of his gut starting to fall, it was his heart. Those nine words shoved his heart off a cliff. And unlike his gut, his heart didn’t fall forever. It landed in mere seconds, and when it did, it shattered. Into millions of pieces. He felt his heart seemingly squeeze. It just about knocked the hair out of him. He wanted to scream, cry, and collapse, but he didn’t. He should’ve known this would happen. He wasn’t good enough for anyone- let alone Midoriya Izuku, the boy who saved his life.
Todoroki fell back into an old habit of his- taking any feelings of pain, grief, or heartbreak and shoving them in a box. The metaphorical box was then shut and locked and chained up and was left in the back of his mind to rot. Behind hundreds of walls.
Todoroki focused back on the class he was in, avoiding looking at Midoriya. He took notes like a good student. He robotically packed up his things when needed. He fell into muscle memory and habit, because his mind wasn’t quite there right now. To be honest, he wasn’t quite sure where it was. It had just... left him. In the middle of the day. He knew it was pointless in trying to focus for the rest of the day. He’s just talk to Midoriya later about how he felt.
The chance presented itself sooner than expected. It was hero training class and 1-A had to get in the gym uniforms. As the boys were exiting the locker room, Todoroki stopped Midoriya.
“Midoriya, I-“
“Todoroki?” Midoriya questions, “Are you okay? You’re shaking...”
“I-“ There it was again. The feeling of his feelings threatening to burst. Todoroki took a deep breath, “I... I can’t return your feelings.”
Todoroki saw the heartbreak on Midoriya’s face. It happened in a single second. Midoriya’s eyes widened, and a single word escaped him.
“Oh.”
It was such a simple word. It held almost no meaning. But in that moment, Todoroki swore he heard Midoriya’s heart shattering in that single word.
Then the tears started. And the incredible guilt hit Todoroki like a truck. He had never wanted to be the type person to cause another to cry. He was just like his father. Self hatred punched him in the gut with that thought.
“I see,” Midoriya says, his voice shaking. He wiped the tears away, offering Todoroki a weak smile. “I’m sorry for bothering you then.” Midoriya brushed past Todoroki, back into the empty locker room.
Todoroki resisted the urge to reach out and hug him and apologize and say that he had lied .
But that didn’t happen. Todoroki walked forward to join the rest of the class, pretending like he wouldn’t regret that decision for the rest of his life.
_________________
“Todoroki! You’re okay!” Midoriya says, the relief obvious in his voice. “I was worried you had been hurt in the explosion.”
“I’m fine Midoriya,” Todoroki says, glancing at him. “Is it villains?”
“I think so- look,” Midoriya says, pointing towards an area filled with smoke, “Kacchan is fighting them- we need to go help.”
Todoroki glanced over at Deku, nodding, “Let’s go then-“ Todoroki cuts himself off when he spots a villain behind Midoriya, about to stab him.
Todoroki wasn’t thinking about the consequences of his actions when he moved. In fact, he hadn’t even processed what was happening in front of him when he moved. All he knew was that he was overcome with this overwhelming urge to save Midoriya.
Todoroki had pushed Midoriya while simultaneously blocking the attack with his body. He froze in place, unable to react to the overwhelming sense of pain and fear as a knife is plunged through his middle.
“Todoroki?” Midoriya questions, turning around. Todoroki met his gaze as he did something that was probably extremely stupid. He froze the villain with an ice attack.
He groaned in pain as his body hit the ground. He wasn’t even aware he had fallen.
Todoroki hadn’t really believed the whole ‘When you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes’ bull crap. It turns out he was wrong. Important moments of his life seemed to flash before his eyes on slow motion. He saw his mother. He saw his sister and brothers. He also saw Midoriya.
He saw the moments he had rejected him. He felt that heart break again.
“-oroki! Todoroki! Stay with me, look at me, please!”
That was Midoriya’s voice. It sounded almost distant. He blinked once. Twice. Three times, before he came back to reality.
“C’mon, please stay with me Todoroki, please!” Midoriya was crying.
God, Todoroki had really done it this time. He’d caused Midoriya to cry again.
Todoroki Reached up and gently brushed his tears away, “Midoriya...”
Strangely, Todoroki wasn’t scared of dying. He was pretty sure he was supposed to, but he couldn’t seem to have the energy to feel so. Midoriya’s eyes were so green. Green like a forests. When had he noticed that?
Todoroki leaned up, wincing in pain. He pressed his lips against Midoriya’s softly. He felt his pain start to fade, and he couldn’t remember what he was doing. He fell limp into Midoriya’s arms, his eyes losing focus. God, he wished he could have a do over. Press reset. He wished he could go back and tell Midoriya what he really had felt. He wished he had broken free of his fathers grasp. He wished for so many things in his last few moments, but one wish surfaced just as his consciousness was fading.
He’d wish he’d told Midoriya that he loved him.
The last thing he saw before sinking unconscious was Midoriya’s green eyes. Todoroki decided that green was his favorite color.
______________
The end of the battle wasn’t brought on by some last minute hero arrival. It wasn’t brought on by the students. No, the battle ended with a scream. A single, bone chilling scream that shook even the most seasoned of villains to the core. The scream was of a single boy who had just failed at saving someone. It was a scream of utter despair. It was the scream of someone who had lost everything.
However, the image that followed the scream would forever be burnt into the minds of class 1-A.
It was Midoriya Izuku, surrounded by green energy, overlooking the battle, a dead Todoroki in his arms. The expression on his face was terrifying. He was absolutely furious. There was no smile. There was no life in his eyes. There was only despair. Despair, anger, and utter hatred.
That was what probably scared the villains away. One look at Izuku and they were gone. They ran from the heroes and hero students. But mostly they ran from that frightening image of Midoriya Izuku.
______________
Midoriya Izuku is a boy who was born quirkless. Midoriya Izuku was bullied by Bakugou Katsuki all of his life. When he turned fifteen, he met his hero, All Might. When he was fifteen, All Might named him his successor. When he was fifteen, he entered the hero course at U.A. High school. When he was fifteen, he became friends with Iida Tenya, Uraraka Ochako, Asui Tsuyu, And Todoroki Shoto. When he was fifteen, he fell in love.
When Midoriya Izuku, the next symbol of peace, a boy with several friends, a boy in love, was fifteen, he stopped smiling.
Izuku forgot how to smile, how to laugh, how to be happy. Izuku forgot what it was like to think about anything other than what a failure he was. Izuku forgot what it was like to enjoy life. Izuku forgot what it was like to love himself.
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The cold rain hit him like bullets. Izuku didn’t care. All he could do was stare at the grave stone. It hurt. It really did. It hurt knowing he hadn’t been able to help Todoroki. Knowing that Todoroki died saving him . Knowing that it was all his fault. Izuku wasn’t aware of when he started crying. He collapsed to the ground, uncaring that he was sitting in mud.
Why him? Of all the people that could have been taken from him, why him . Was this just some cruel joke? Did he do something to deserve this? He wanted to scream. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to end all this guilt.
“Midoriya.”
Izuku jumped, looking around. He’d recognized that voice. It was Todoroki’s. His heart had jumped at the insane hope that he was still alive and he had said his name and he was right there.
There was no one there.
Izuku’s heart shattered once again. Millions of feelings flooded him. It was overwhelming. Please make it stop. Please. He couldn’t deal with this. Izuku gripped his head, desperate to snap out of it. He needed to stop. He needed to focus. He needed to stop. He needed to just... end all this pain.
___________________
Izuku stared at his ceiling. It had been one week since Todoroki had been gone. There was an empty space in the class that everyone sensed but no one talked about.
No one seemed to be taking it as hard as Izuku though. That hurt. Was Todoroki just unimportant to their class? Had he really just... been forgotten.
“I promise I’ll never forget you Todoroki,” Izuku murmurs to the darkness. He wasn’t sure if he was saying that aloud for himself or to just block out the silence. Izuku turned to stare at the wall, jumping when he thought he saw Todoroki. He bolted up in bed, turning on a lamp. There was nothing there.
All the strength leaves Izuku’s body and he collapses against his bed. Tears fall, and he curls in on himself. He hides his face in his hands as sobs shake his body.
“I’m so sorry Todoroki,” Izuku sobbed, “This is all my fault.” His small frame shuddered and curled in even smaller. He wasn’t ever going to move on. Not at this rate. Not ever.
Izuku laughed as he walked next to Todoroki, “What do you mean you don’t dance?” Izuku’s bright green eyes watched Todoroki move, his heart starting to beat faster. God he was head over heels for him.
“Is it really that bad?” Todoroki asked.
Izuku shook his head, “No, no! Of course not! But- will you dance with me?” His bright eyes examined Todoroki’s cold blue and gray ones.
“...Sure,” Todoroki says after a moment.
Izuku giggles as he grabs Todoroki’s hands and pulls him to the center of the room. He had the biggest smile on his face as he pulled Todoroki around in a nonsensical fashion. Izuku lives for the soft hesitant laugh that escaped Todoroki. He felt a thrill at the fact that he was making him smile. He was ecstatic that he was able to make Todoroki so seemingly happy. Izuku had never felt happier than with Todoroki
Izuku woke up in tears that morning.
______________
Izuku was quiet as he patrolled the streets. He seemed out of it.
“Ok, shitty Nerd,” Bakugou growls from being him. He shoved Izuku with his shoulder, “Snap outta it. I can’t beat you if you aren’t tryin’.”
Izuku glances over at him, “...Sorry Kacchan.”
Bakugou is silent for a moment before growling, “You haven’t gone to therapy have you, shitty Deku?”
“I don’t see why it would help,” Izuku admits, knowing there is no point in lying.
“Bullshit,” Bakugou shoves him, “I’ll drag you there myself if I have too. Got that?!”
Izuku blinks in surprise, “Are you... worried about me Kacchan?”
“What?! Of course not you shitty Deku!” Bakugou shouts, “I’m just not going to let you back down because of some stupid thing!”
Izuku’s gaze hardens into a glare, “Todoroki’s death isn’t stupid Kacchan.”
“Then move on,” Bakugou snaps.
Izuku turns from him and walks faster.
“Ok! Shitty Deku! Don’t walk away from me! I’ll kill you!” Bakugou yelled at him.
Izuku didn’t care. He needed to leave before he lost his composure. He wasn’t going to cry. He promised himself he was going to stop that. He needed to stop crying. So why was it so hard? Izuku leaned against a building, trying to collect his thoughts.
Was he really the only one who was hurting? Did no one else care that Todoroki was gone and that he wasn’t ever coming back? It was frustrating, as he was finally forced to see the reality. Why was he the only one that cared?! He just wanted to scream. How many times was that now? How many times had he been so frustrated and angry and confused that he just needed to scream and shout and hit something but he couldn’t? Izuku has lost count.
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Izuku remembered the last words Todoroki had whispered to him before he’d... died. Those words would forever stab at his heart.
I love you .
Those three words should’ve made him so happy. He should’ve been ecstatic that he heard them. But he couldn’t help but hate them. Those three words... they reminded him that he was the one that failed to save Todoroki. He had failed, and now he had to live forever with the unending and overwhelming guilt.
God he wished it would all just stop. He wished the horrible feeling in his gut stopped. He wished he could just wake up and just... find out all of this was a dream.
________________
It was cold the day Izuku headed to the beach where he had trained with All Might for those ten excruciating months. Izuku stares out across the ocean, observing the birds dive into the water for food. Life really did go on, even when he was still stuck in the past.
It had been three months since Todoroki’s death. One month after Todoroki’s death, he had been forced into therapy by Bakugou, All Might, and his mother. It really had helped. Now he finally was able to push the blame off of himself and realize that he couldn’t have controlled what happened.
Izuku closed his eyes, feeling the wind against his face. It was cold, and it was a great reality check. The world may seemed to have end, but in reality it was just moving faster than you. Once you managed to catch up, you got a new view on what had happened.
Izuku sighs softly. He was finally ready to accept himself and what had happened.
Warmth brushed away the cold, and in an instant Izuku could finally see . He was caught off guard by the kiss to his temple, the hand entangled in his hair.
Izuku reaches out and grabbed Todoroki’s arm. He could see him, but he... he wasn’t completely there. He could see through him.
“Todoroki?” He asked, staring into his eyes. Todoroki seemed surprised, staring back in his eyes quietly.
“Midoriya?” He murmurs softly in surprise.
Izuku wasn’t sure what had happened. One moment he was staring at Todoroki in complete shock, and the next he was kissing him like no tomorrow. Tears spilled down his cheeks and sobs seemingly shook his body. When he finally opened his eyes, Todoroki was still there. Except, he was fully there. It was him . It was Todoroki.
Izuku choked out a laugh, relief flooding his body, “Todoroki, it’s really you!”
He jumped into his arms, hugging him like it was the last time he’d see him.
Izuku could feel Todoroki’s body shake. He felt Todoroki’s relief. He felt everything.
Todoroki was alive. Todoroki was with him. Todoroki was okay.
“I’m so sorry,” Izuku sobbed, “I couldn’t save you. B-but you’re okay now. I-I’m so relieved.”
Todoroki broke away from the hug, wiping away Izuku’s tears, “Don’t apologize for something you couldn’t control... I’m the one who should apologize... I promised myself I’d never make you cry, but I’ve done so several times...”
Izuku leaned into his touch, “T-Todoroki, I love you.”
Todoroki gazes at him for a total of three seconds before responding, “Midoriya, I love you too.”
Izuku broke down again. More tears fell.
Once again their lips met. Desperate and passionate and terrified and relieved and full of emotions that had gathered over the past months.
For the first time in three months, Izuku had a genuine smile on his lips.