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This doesn’t feel right, Soobin thought.
Nothing was. He wasn’t. And the boy beside him certainly wasn’t.
It was weird; the way they were sitting side by side but the distance between them still took upon a lot of space. This gap was too much to be considered normal for them and Soobin blamed his lack of wits to start up a decent conversation.
That, and also the fact that Kai was being too quiet today. Too damn quiet, if he could elaborate. And for real, it was pissing him off as much as it made him so fucking mad at himself.
Because after everything that happened between them, all those tears they shed together and those nights they spend in each other’s embrace; he couldn't even voice a simple I'm sorry to the boy beside him. Such a coward, wasn’t he?
Soobin wanted to tell him many things, really. So many things—but sorry was the first in his list and he would be damned if he couldn’t say it now. Because Kai didn’t deserve that—he didn’t deserve the burn of his anger.
Not when he wasn’t the one who ignited it in the first place.
"Kai—"
"Hyung, I’m—"
Soobin paused. That was—he wasn’t expecting that. He stared at the younger boy in shock and he stared back at him for a moment before they finally came back to their senses.
"Ah." Kai touched his mouth, clearly shocked. “Sorry—I’m, uh,”
"N-No. My bad.” He said. “It's just—"
Soobin stopped midsentence. Kai was looking at him with those gentle, deer-shaped eyes and it made something inside him clench painfully. God. Those eyes were truly his one true weakness and it showed.
"I, uh, want to—" he stammered, feeling nervous all over again. “I—”
Like they were connected by invisible strings, Kai reached out to hold his hand. "It's okay, Soobin-hyung. Take your time."
Then he smiled—that smile which Soobin loved so much. With a sigh, Soobin took his hand and held it tightly against his bigger one, pausing for a moment to admire how their fingers fit each other like puzzles. After a while, Soobin was finally calmed down enough that he managed to look directly at Kai without feeling like running away.
"Ning, I’m sorry—" Soobin began, his voice small and filled with so much regret. "Hyung is really sorry."
“Oh hyung, stop that.” Kai shook his head, “There’s nothing to be sorry for. I was the wrong one—I was the one who needs to apologize.”
“No, this is entirely my fault so don’t think about making it yours.” He insisted. “Listen, okay? It’s true that your pranks were starting to get out of line but it still doesn’t justify the shitty things I’ve said to you. I was so stressed to the point that I didn’t care about anything else besides my own comfort and you had to pay the price. So no, it’s not your fault and you certainly didn’t deserve that. It’s on me—all of it.”
Soobin didn't know who moved first but now they were just inches apart, staring at each other so intently like they were afraid that someone would disappear if their eyes strayed even for just a second. Like this, Soobin could notice every little thing about the boy in front of him. The way his eyes shined with longing, the way his hands gripped his so hard until his knuckles turned white, and the way his fluffy hair fell across his eyes in soft waves. Without realizing it, he brought his hand up to brush some of them gently.
"Please know that I didn’t mean anything I’ve said." Soobin stared into the depth of his eyes, "None of them were true."
Kai looked at him, his eyes a bit glassy from unshed tears. It was clear as day that the younger boy was trying so hard to not cry. "Hyung I'm—"
Soobin touched his lips to stop him, smiling gently. "I'm not finished—" his grip over Kai’s thin fingers tightened, "I'm sorry, for all the things I’ve said that hurt you. And I'm sorry, for slapping away your hand that evening. I regret every bit of it. Even now.”
Kai shook his head vehemently. "No. Hyung, I was wrong too. If only I noticed—" he faltered. “I was in the wrong too. So please don’t blame yourself.”
His smile wilted a little, "But I did. I blamed myself. I asked myself over and over again—how could I hurt someone who means so much to me?” he laughed humorously. “I was such a goddamn fool.”
Soobin recalled that time on their way back home from their tight schedule when he snapped at Kai just because he was being his usual mischievous self. How he shouted things at him and how they parted, or in his case—left, while Kai was calling out his name in tears. Even with Kai’s desperate call of his name, even when he was crying into his hands, looking so hurt and broken, Soobin didn’t turn back. He never did. Another memory of Kai’s red-rimmed eyes and quivering lips flashed through his mind and the pain forced him to shut his eyes before opened them back.
"I’m just, sorry." Soobin swallowed the lump inside his throat—voice a little hoarse, and then he began to falling apart. "I'm sorry." he repeated again, "God, You don’t know how sorry I am."
"No, hyung that’s enough. You don't have to apologize, okay? I know you more than anyone, remember?" Kai clung to his side desperately while he stared into his dark eyes, "That's why—please, please stop crying."
Soobin froze in shock, hands automatically flying to touch his eyes.
He didn't realize it at first, but droplets of tears had been steadily pouring out from his eyes since a while ago. Those tears—they were hot against his skin and every time they fell there was a wet trail left on each of his cheeks. Kai too, he noticed, had tears marring his flushed cheeks. His heart clenched at the sight.
Soobin hated it when he cry; hated it with every inch of his body because every time he saw those beautiful eyes fill with tears it made him feel like total shit so without hesitating even a bit, he wiped his tears away with the back of his hand before pulling him into a hug.
"Why the hell are you crying too?” he chuckled hoarsely into his hair. “Don’t cry, baby. You know I hate it when you cry."
Instead of stopping, Kai cried even louder until his voice turned sore. He pressed his head into his neck in a pitiful effort to hide his sobs, "How could I not? It’s all your fault!"
Soobin was no longer crying now, his teary chuckle had quickly turned into a full-blown laugh. "Okay fine. It's my fault. There, stop crying please—I really meant it when I said I hate it when you cry." he held the smaller boy even closer and started to caress his back lovingly. “Please, baby? For me?”
"It’s hard," Kai mumbled between his sobs, his hands reaching over his neck to tug him even closer. “Just hold me and let me cry in peace.”
"Tsk, I can’t believe this," Soobin pushed him away a little so he could wipe his tears again. His tears just wouldn’t stop, no matter how hard he tried it keep on falling and falling down just like a waterfall. “Kai. Stop crying, please."
Kai whined, "I can’t. They just won't stop."
The heart-wrenching sounds of his tears echoed over and over again like it was going to last for eternity. Soobin hated to see him cry, but he hated it even more when he was crying because of him. He needed to do something, anything—
And like it was magic, something clicked inside his head. Soobin embraced the crying boy closer and curled his fingers around his slender waist in an attempt to hold him in place. Then he brought his small face to even his, watching as his tears hit his fingers before proceeding to trail down his palm.
"I could help you," Soobin suggested while caressing his face gently. His skin was so soft, he thought as his heart started to beat really fast against her rib-cage he was afraid it would explode. “Do you want me to help you, baby?”
Kai blinked, "How so, hyung?"
Soobin smiled knowingly and flicked his index finger against his forehead, "Just close your eyes."
Kai did close his eyes, and it made him a tad happy that despite everything he still listened to his every wish like before. Soobin stared at his angelic face before closing his own eyes.
He’s not an expert at this, but neither was he. The hammering of his heart pounded roughly against his chest. He felt numb—but it wasn’t the kind of numb he always got every time he touched the cold, but it was the kind of numb where he wasn't even breathing; because all he could think about was how nice it would be to just lean down and kiss his plum-colored lips. So he did.
When their lips collided, Soobin forgot how every self-control that he had and pulled him in even deeper into the kiss. His soft, warm lips enchanted him so much that he couldn’t help himself from exploring his warm cavern with an eager tongue. He could feel that the younger boy was startled for a moment, but when he fully grasped their current situation, Kai returned the kiss with all his might. With a roaring heart, Soobin wrapped his arms around his slender built before he kissed him again and again, each kiss more intense than the last.
Their kiss lasted for a full minute before they parted from each other, though unwillingly. Soobin leaned his forehead against his and he could feel his warm breath breeze across his face with a gentle caress. No one was talking, they just gazed into each other and found themselves lost in the depth of each other’s eyes. Kai eyes were glazed and unfocused and Soobin could feel his heart beating furiously inside his chest when they fell on him.
"Oh," he suddenly said when he noticed something, smiling so wide until his dimples came in full force. "I did it. I stopped your tears."
Kai just smiled that smile of his, that smile he loved so much and his heart soared with something he couldn’t describe.
"You did it!” he said with a small cheer before he poked one of his dimples. “I guess it’s all thanks to this little one, huh?"
Soobin pouted at him in response, but not even a minute later he broke into a small fit of laughter. He laced their fingers again, watching as they fit together perfectly like pieces of a solved puzzle and thought; this is it.
“Kai?”
“Hmm?”
“I like you.”
Kai looked at him in shock, before he giggled.
“I know.”
Feeling terribly confused and out of place, Soobin looked at him with a pout, hoping that Kai would give his confession its rightful answer. But he didn’t. Instead of giving him the attention he deserved, Kai was humming softly while playing with his long fingers, a wide smile upon his face.
“Really? That’s it?”
Kai titled his head to a side, blinking innocently. “What more do you want me to say, hyung?”
Soobin opened his mouth only to close it again. Was he for real?
“I’m—” he sighed. “Forget it. It’s nothing.”
“Aw, are you going to cry, hyung? Are you? Are you? Ah, you are!”
Kai teased him like a brat he was and still, Soobin didn’t have it in him to be at least a bit mad at him. God, he was so whipped.
Huffing loudly, he pinned the younger boy with an embarrassed glare. “Shut it you brat!”
Soobin froze when Kai suddenly bumped their foreheads together before whispering softly, so softly as if he was afraid that someone would overhear them.
"I like you too, hyung. I really, really like you. Let’s stay together forever, shall we?”
Smiling like a lovesick idiot, Soobin leaned down to leave a peck on those kissable lips before he joined their foreheads again. His heart started beating again like it always did when they were together, but it was quicker this time and his chest suddenly felt like bursting over.
But Soobin liked it. He liked this feeling. He liked—him.
“Yeah. Let’s stay together forever.”