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Vodka, sleeping pills, hotel room. More wasn’t necessary for Blaine’s final goodbye to this world. And a dreary world it was indeed. He would not be sad to leave. Well, the fact that he was going out voluntarily said it all, didn’t it?
He had prepared everything. The letters were on their way to his friends and family, his apartment was clean (no things lying around that people shouldn’t see) and his last night would be a relaxed one.
Dear Kurt,
if you feel guilty and full of self-reproach you shouldn’t. I mean everybody gets left once or twice in their lives, right? Now you wonder ‘what the hell is he talking about, we are over for a year’ but the truth is I’m a whiny person who just can’t let go. We were soul mates (see I’m using past tense, I’ve already adjusted to the fact of me being dead soon) and you go and decide your life is better with Mr. Curry. Well, have fun.
Your former soul mate (seriously, I quit! If we see each other in heaven don’t talk to me) Blaine
P.S.: You still have my red sweater and since today is your lucky day, you might keep it.
He had chosen a hotel room to go out with style. Also he didn’t want Mrs. Smith to find him; he was afraid her heart wouldn’t keep up with the shock. And who knew when he would be found? He could be lying in his flat for weeks and start to rot, euw. Better be found the very next morning and be buried still looking good.
Hey Mum and Dad,
I didn’t kill myself because I was gay but because my life sucked. And it didn’t suck because I was gay. It had absolutely nothing to do with the gayness, okay? Just so you know. By the way: Kurt and I weren’t best friends but lovers. Yes, that’s right. The gayness won in the end. And oh, who cares, I’m dead so you might as well know: The time you were on the Bahamas for a week? We did it on your bed.
Your son Blaine
P.S.: All my stuff and things go to Sam. Don’t you dare take it away from him or I will come and haunt you.
P.P.S.: Sam and I are just best friends. Unfortunately.
It was true. After Kurt he had been single all the time. Not even a one night stand. But he could’ve made it through that. Just then his show had been cancelled in the last minute, leaving him unemployed after three years of NYADA and one of preparing for ‘The Wizard Of Oz’. No one else would have him and after countless auditions Blaine had just given up.
Dear Mrs. Smith,
thank you for all the tea. Though the tea was too hot, too black, too sweet. In the name of my following lodger I have to say it. Don’t just put four sugars in, ask. Don’t let the tea bag in ten minutes when the description says three. And sometimes, just sometimes it would be nice to get a piece of cake to the tea. Do you remember the time when Lucky vomited in the hall? Yeah, it was me. Me and my friend (whose name shall not be written down for protection reasons)(but it wasn’t the blond one who’s always there. It was someone else)(brunet!) took your poor cat into my apartment and gave him cookies. He deserved it after getting only black tea to drink!
Blaine Anderson
Blaine would have survived being single and unemployed if he had had many friends and good souls around him. But they all were busy, having their own lives and doing so well with it. Most of his friends from high school were either famous in the exact same branches he wanted to have success in or were married with kids. They all had what he wanted and it was just so unfair! Having to deal with it every day, knowing he would never get there…
Dear Cooper,
please don’t sing at my funeral. Please don’t use my death to make profit. Just don’t. I hope you regret how you treated me now. In case you don’t know what I’m talking about (and I’m pointing at your from above)(or below, who knows): You promised to be a better brother but you weren’t. You always talked me down and made it about you. Remember the time Harrison Ford didn’t call you back? Well… he did. I just told him you weren’t interested in a minor role in his movie anymore. You should thank me because it wouldn’t have done you any good, anyhow.
Goodbye my brother. Blaine
Even Sam had gotten so very busy with his happy life. Brittany was pregnant so it was only a matter of time until he vanished completely. Blaine could feel it in his bones. It was time to go for him, too. But somewhere else.
Blaine dressed nicely and gelled his hair. There was no need to let anyone see him unkempt even in death. He would go down to the bar and drink one goodbye drink, toasting to the world, and then go to his room and do it. All the pills lay neatly on the table, together with a vodka bottle. The tricky thing would be to keep it in his stomach.
Hey Sam,
I’m sorry. You’re the one person I regret leaving behind the most. You were such a good friend to me and whenever I felt down you used to cheer me up. Except now I’m in a dark place where you can’t reach me anymore. I hope you will have a great life though. Here’s an idea, if it’s a boy you could name the baby Blaine instead of Luke. Or Blaine-Luke. Double names are cool. A girl could be called Blair-Leia although I hope your dream comes true and Brittany is pregnant with twins. By the way, remember when Doug from the comic book store gave you a weird look for a few weeks? He had hit on me so I told him you’re my boyfriend. Guess he was jealous, especially since I mentioned we did it three times a day. Oh and on Halloween last year it was me who ate the last candy, not Stevie. Sorry about that, bro. Anyway, I pass on all my things to you and you can do with them what you want, even sell them.
P.S.: You’re hot. I didn’t accidentally say you’re name when I made up a boyfriend for Doug. Maybe you can appreciate my never ending love for you even more now that you also know of my never ending crush on you.
The bar was almost empty. Two business men were sitting at a table across the counter, a group of friends sat at another table and in the corner was a couple that made out. Made out like there was no tomorrow. Blaine narrowed his eyes because yes, wow, two women. His parents should see these public gay affections and then again tell Blaine that the gay friendliness didn’t increase nowadays.
“What can I get you?” the bartender asked as Blaine sat down on the counter. He absentmindedly ordered a Martini and looked at the couple again. The blonde girl looked suspiciously like Brittany. And laughed like her. Oh my God, it was her! Now they weren’t clinging to each other’s mouths anymore he could see it clearly. He didn’t know the other woman but her resemblance with Santana was obvious.
Blaine’s jaw dropped. He still looked for words when the two got up and walked past him, right past him! Brittany didn’t even see him.
“Your Martini.” Blaine ignored the drink that got placed in front of his nose and ran after the two women. He saw them walking into the lift. They had a room here! Brittany cheated on Sam! Oh my God, someone had to tell Sam, right? Or not? Was it still Blaine’s business?
“Blaine, Blaine!”
Someone tipped on his shoulder and Blaine jerked around.
“Are you here to help me?” Sam asked.
Blaine tore open his eyes. “What are you doing… did you see…” He gestured over his shoulder.
“Duh, who didn’t see this? They practically had sex in the middle of the room”, Sam said. Blaine drove a hand over his forehead and walked back to the bar. Damn, why was Sam here? Blaine had to get rid of him because he truly had other plans for tonight.
“I’m here, spying on my cheating wife. She’s cheating so she’s worse”, Sam said. He simply followed Blaine and sat down on the chair next to him. He gestured the bartender.
“Can I get double Vodka? Or triple if there is such a thing.”
“Listen, Sam, I’m not here for you, I have something…”
“Oh? Are you waiting for someone? Can you believe Brittany? And with another woman!”
“Yes, I am waiting for… for… Doug.”
Sam stared at him. “What, the comic book store owner?”
“Yes, exactly. We have a date.”
“Wow! But what about me, Blaine? My wife is cheating on me and I… I mean, what should I do? That’s so… mean!”
Blaine cleared his throat. “Yeah, mh, talk to her? But now you should go home and sleep over it.”
“Sleep? No! I want to drink. Ah, thank you!” Sam took the glass out of the bartender’s hands and practically inhaled the Vodka.
“Sam, I really need to be alone right now.”
“Calm down, man! When Doug comes I’ll turn around and pretend to be a stranger.”
Blaine sighed. Sam just had a major breakdown and all Blaine could think about was how to get rid of him? Best friend, my ass. But what should Blaine do? It’s not like he had time.
“For when are you scheduled?” Sam asked.
“Eight.”
“Well, that gives us ten minutes! Now about Brittany…” Sam talked about how he had always suspected she also liked girls, especially since she had been together with Santana. Blaine nodded and tried to make the impression of listening. He could just pretend to have seen Doug out in the lobby and leave. It would be mean but he wouldn’t live to feel guilty, anyway.
“Oh, there he…” Blaine couldn’t finish because now Sam threw himself at him and started to cry. Blaine sighed heavily. Well, he could spare a few more minutes. After all Sam went through a bad time right now, too. He patted Sam’s back while the bartender gave him a pitiful look.
“Another drink?”
Blaine shook his head but Sam cried “Ye-eh-s ple-ase.”
Sam got up and slammed down this drink, too. Then he looked at his watch.
“He’s late! How does he dare to be late on you! You’re such a nice and sweet boy and he stands you up.”
“He’s five minutes late, come on”, Blaine said.
“Maybe he’s stuck in traffic. If he comes at all.”
“I’m sure he will. Hey, why don’t you get a cab and go home now…”
Sam shook his head. “I won’t let you sit here all by yourself, with all those strangers drooling over you.”
“No one is drooling over me.”
“Of course. Everybody is. Those business men over there are practically undressing you with their eyes. Well, no wonder, you look great. Is that a new shirt?”
“Thanks, yes, it is.” Blaine nodded. “Look, do you have your phone?”
“Doug has a phone, too, right? I mean why doesn’t he call you then to tell you what’s holding him up?” Sam gestured the bartender and Blaine rolled his eyes. Sam should stop drinking, really.
“Maybe he does. I left my phone in my room so…”
“Why do you have a room here? Oh my God! He’s cheating on his wife, isn’t he? Such a bastard! You know, who else does that? Brittany!”
“Do you want another drink, too?” the bartender asked Blaine as he got Sam another glass and took away the used ones.
“No, thank – or wait, yes”, Blaine said. He couldn’t just go and kill himself while Sam was suffering from heart break. First Sam had to get home safely.
“Listen, do you want to sit here the whole night while waiting until Brittany comes down?” Blaine asked.
“Maybe.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Well, tell me a better one.”
“It would be better if you go home and think about it very thoroughly”, Blaine said.
“I like it here. You are here. I like you.”
Well, it would’ve been too easy, wouldn’t it? Blaine’s letters were all on their way to the receptors, there was no getting them back. Blaine would have to do it. So why was he still here?
“I have to go now, Sam.”
“Where to?” Sam finished his drink and put the glass down. At least he didn’t order another one. Maybe the fact that the bartender was far away had to do with it.
“To my room. I’m calling Doug to hear what’s going on.”
“No, please don’t leave me, Blaine, please.”
“Sam…”
Sam drove a hand through his blond hair. “Okay, okay, I know. I don’t want to ruin your date. But…” He looked at his watch. “I think he’s not coming anymore. The married bastard stood you up. First he uses you and degrades you to an affair and then he doesn’t even show up.” Sam leaned over the counter and looked at the bartender who came to take his glass away.
“Hey, can you believe it? This man just got stood up!” he said.
“No, I didn’t!” Blaine got down from the chair. “Can you put the drinks on my bill? Room number 334.”
The bartender nodded.
“No, no”, Sam said. “I’ll pay.”
“Take a cab home, Sam, okay? Can you promise me that?”
“You’re so nice to me”, Sam said. “You’re the nicest and most loveably person I know. And beautiful and clever and funny. You’re way too good for Doug.”
Aww. Blaine laid a hand on his chest. It was as if Sam knew those were the last words they would ever speak to each other. He almost started to cry and wondered if he couldn’t stay a few more minutes. But he really had to do it, he had to stick to his plan now. So Blaine simply leaned to Sam and kissed his cheek.
“Goodbye, Sam. Everything will be good in the end. Brittany only loves you.” Blaine didn’t know if it was true but he wanted it. He wanted Sam to be happy.
“Mh, yeah. I call you when I get home.”
Blaine bit his lip and started walking to the door.
-
In his room he locked the door and kicked off his shoes. Oh gosh. Now. It would be easy, he had everything prepared. He just had to take some pills and then he would sleep forever. His hands were shaking as he poured himself water into one glass and then Vodka into another.
“I thought it through. My life will get worse anyway”, Blaine quietly talked to himself. Sam had a bad time right now, too. But Sam would get through it. Either Brittany would come back to him or they’d break up and then girls would get in line to get it on with Sam. Who got in line for Blaine?
Exactly. So he had to do it. He’d be unemployed, single, wouldn’t ever have children… And the letters were sent, anyway.
Blaine slammed down the Vodka. Now some pills. The first one: on the tongue, gulp, flush. Done! The second one: on the tongue…
Somebody knocked against the door.
That wasn’t part of the plan. Blaine sat at the table and hoped the knocking had been next door. But it hadn’t. There was another knock, louder and more determined.
“Blaine? Blaine? Are you there?” somebody called from the hall. It was Sam. Oh, no, that couldn’t be true! Now Blaine sat here with his tongue sticking out, a pill on it and didn’t dare to move.
“Blaine! It’s me, Sam! I know that you’re in there. Open the door, I have to tell you something!”
Now Blaine was getting angry. He took back his tongue, gulped down the pill and forgot to flush it with water.
“Blaine, open up, Blaine!”
Blaine got up. He had to get rid of Sam or else he would stand there the whole night, knocking and calling.
“Herrre no Blaine, herrre Tom! Go now or me call police”, Blaine said with a fake accent.
“Oh good, you’re there!” Sam said from the other side. “Open up, come on! I need to talk to you urgently.”
“No, Sam, I can’t! Go away, please.”
“Why? Doug isn’t there, I’ve looked at the door the whole time. You’re alone! Let me in, people are staring at me.” Apparently some guests were walking down the hall.
“Hello”, Sam said to them. “Don’t worry, I’m not always like that, it’s just that my wife cheated on me today so I got drunk. What would you have done? Stop looking at me like that. Your hair has seen better days, too, wait, is that a toupee?”
Oh God, how embarrassing. Blaine opened the door before people would actually call the police.
“Why did it take you so long?” Sam came into the room. “Were you naked?”
“No, I just…” Oh God! The pills! Blaine hurried past Sam to the table and pushed them all into his hand. At least half of them fell to the floor.
Luckily Sam didn’t even look. He went to the king’s bed and fell down on it. “So I had a great idea”, he said. “While I was observing the door and waited for Doug I had the best idea ever.”
“That you’ll sleep off your intoxication?” Blaine asked while he threw the pills into the drawer of one of the bedside tables. Then he got onto the floor and picked up the other ones.
“No, better. I know now how we can kill two stones with one bird. What are you doing? Did you lose your contacts?”
“No!” Blaine said with shock and let the pills fall down again. “I’m not wearing contacts, Sam! I’m just, uh, picking up crumbs…”
“Now”, Sam said. “Facts are: Doug stood you up, true or true?? And I got cheated on by Brittany. The mysterious ways of the Gods have led us all into this hotel. Are you following me?”
“All of us except Doug”, Blaine said.
“Yeah, yeah. Where is he, by the way? I bet he said his child’s got chickenpox. They always say that, those married bastards.”
“He doesn’t have children”, Blaine said while he very inconspicuously swept all pills together under the table. They would be save here since Sam’s perceptiveness was very restricted right now. “And he isn’t married, too. But he could be here any minute now.”
“What?” Sam sat up. “Really?”
Blaine nodded. And he’s got a black belt in karate. Maybe he should add it so that Sam would go now. But Sam didn’t even think of it.
“Haha, I almost fell for it”, Sam said and plumped himself on the bed again. “And what kind of traffic should he be stuck in at this time? You don’t have to be embarrassed in front of me, Blainey. It can happen to the best and most beautiful of us, to be stood up and be played with.”
“Oh, please.”
“Yes! I’m the best example! Who would have ever thought Brittany would get with a girl again after having been with me? No girl can keep up with me. In all modesty but I’m the best looking man far and wide. So what do you think of my plan?”
“Your plan…?” Blaine got up from the floor and sat down in the chair. “I’d really like to be alone now, Sam.” Blaine yawned. Oh what, that couldn’t be the sleeping pills, right? He had taken only two and not even ten minutes ago!
“Don’t feel guilty, Blaine! It’s not your fault Doug is such an ass. You’re great, and Doug probably wished he had married you instead of Bri- uh, instead of his stupid wife, the stupid wife. But it’s too late now. You have such a bad luck with guys, Blaine, you always ran into the wrong ones. Those who want to get a piece of your beauty and don’t keep up with their end of the bargain.”
“What?”
“Is here a mini bar or something?” Sam looked around.
“Yeah, but a small bottle of Coke is like seven dollars”, Blaine said.
“I don’t want Coke.” Sam crawled down the bed and on to the bar without getting up. “I want Vodka. I’m used to it now.”
He opened the mini fridge. “No Vodka. Only wine and champagne. And beer. Ugh. I’m calling room service. Where’s the phone?”
“I can give you Vodka.” Blaine poured some of said liquid into a glass. Sam went back to the bed and Blaine got up to give him the glass. He put the bottle one the ground and sat down on the bed, too.
“Now here’s my idea! While Brittany is doing it with her lover and Doug with his stupid wife we both, you and me, spend the night together in this hotel room. How’s that? Isn’t that the best idea ever or what?”
“No, it’s stupid”, Blaine said. “And childish.”
“But you can show Doug that he can’t just do with you what he wants! Don’t you get it? Serves him right, standing you up! If he sees that you and a handsome blond…”
“But Doug wouldn’t even know”, Blaine said. His heart was beating a little faster than normal. That probably were the pills, too.
“Hm, well, if you look at it that way.” Sam scratched his head. “But indirect. It’s a matter of pince- prince-principle, don’t you get it?”
“No.”
“But it’s not that hard! Tomorrow Brit and her stupid lover come down to have breakfast and then we’re two sitting there, in love and holding hands and all. And I feed you with a scone. Then Brittany can see how it is.”
“Well, I get that”, Blaine said. “You want to make her jealous. But as I said, it’s childish. Don’t count on me.”
“But just think how genius it is!” Sam exclaimed. “She can’t say anything because she just did the same. Cheating and stuff. You don’t have to worry what Brittany thinks about you because she doesn’t like you anyway.”
“That’s not the point – wait, why doesn’t she like me?”
Sam started to giggle. “Because she thinks you like me. As in like-like. That’s funny, right?”
“It’s not funny”, Blaine said. He stretched his arms. Boy, he could sleep right now. But how come Brittany knew about his crush? No one did it because Blaine was the best in hiding it.
“So why does she think it…?” he asked.
“Because we almost got it on in high school”, Sam said. “You and me.”
“Uh, did I miss something?”
“The weeks after guilty pleasure week were pretty intense, don’t you think? There were so many moments I thought we’d kiss. Kissy-kissy. Well, until you went back to Kurt.”
Blaine blinked his confusion away. What? Did Sam suffer from hallucinations?
Sam held up his glass so Blaine filled it with Vodka again without thinking about it.
“Typical Kurt”, Sam said. “Shows up just before great things happen and steals them from people. I take off my shoes, okay?”
“Mhmh.” Blaine chewed on his lip. It didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything. High school was over since many years and so was his relationship with Kurt. Blaine’s life soon would be, too.
“I still want to be alone, Sam”, he said when Sam kicked off his shoes. “I’m tired.” And it was true. He felt like he would fall asleep every minute now. Those damn pills were really fast and intense.
“That’s so you.” Sam sent a loving look to Blaine. “You think it’s immoral and want to stop me from doing something wrong. You’re so nice. Not like Brittany. You’re really a sweetie. Doug so doesn’t deserve you.”
“What, but you do?” Blaine mumbled so that Sam didn’t hear it. Sure, Brittany cheated on him so hey, let’s hit on the best friend. If it was hitting on him. Blaine wasn’t sure if he interpreted it like he wanted to.
“You know what? I’m taking a shower now and then we’ll cuddle up in bed and talk about what a great person you are”, Sam said while he already started to undress. “Just too bad I don’t have a tooth brush with me. I mean how would I have known?”
Blaine just sat there and watched Sam’s uncoordinated movements. Shirt, jeans, boxers, they all came off and got thrown vaguely in direction of the chair. Totally naked Sam turned to Blaine and asked: “Can I use your toothpaste?”
“Uh, sure.” Blaine looked at the floor. Okay, wow. He had already died, hadn’t he? Interesting, so he had really gone to heaven. Blaine would have thought it, yes, but he wouldn’t have bet on it.
“It’s in the toiletry bag. But don’t even think about using my tooth brush.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll use my fingers.”
As soon as the bathroom door closed Blaine took a deep breath, activated all his remaining energies and jumped to the ground where he gathered together the pills from under the table. He put them to the other ones in the drawer, right next to the bible. Then he counted them. Twenty-eight, all of them were here. But he couldn’t take them now. Sam would realise something was wrong, even in his drunken state.
Maybe Blaine could just get them and leave the room, jog to the lift and take a cab to another hotel where he would…
But he couldn’t even finish thinking about this plan because Sam came back into the room now, a towel on his hips. Blaine got up and turned to him.
“Wow, the shower made me almost sober”, Sam said.
“Please, Sam, since you’re sober now, can you take a cab and go home?” Blaine yawned again. His body got heavier and heavier. Soon he wouldn’t be able to stay awake anymore.
“I’m not that sober.” Sam went to the table and poured more Vodka into his glass. “Plus my genius plan is still up, right, sweetie? You just have to pretend as if something happened between us.”
“How gracious”, Blaine mumbled. “Why are you calling me sweetie?”
“I’m just saying it because I’m drunk. And because I always wanted to call you that.”
Blaine’s knees suddenly were very wobbly. Not uncomfortable, more like relaxed-wobbly. He plumped himself down on the bed.
“The pills are kicking in very fast”, Blaine said. He let himself fall back.
“What? Hey, do you really want to sleep already? It’s just ten, what about our party?”
Blaine opened his zipper and wriggled out of his jeans. “Could you please hang them over the chair?” He held the jeans at Sam, his eyes falling shut every second moment.
Sam threw the jeans inattentively at the chair. “Listen, Blaine, if you keep undressing I can’t guarantee anything.”
“Just the sweater”, Blaine said, pulling said thing over his head. “I’m too hot elsewise.”
“Me, too” Sam said. “Oh my God.”
Blaine tried to open his eyes again but it didn’t work. “I’ll sleep now.” He got under the sheets and snuggled up to the pillow. Wow, soft! And fresh! How great were hotel beds?
“You’re lying on the chocolate”, Sam said.
“Can you turn out the lights, sweetie?” Blaine asked.
“Okay. I’ll join you soon.”
Blaine wanted to say something but then sleep took over.
-
Dear Mr. Curry,
yes. That’s how I secretly call you, get over it. Sounds like a pet’s name, doesn’t it? If you don’t want people to call you that maybe you should stop making curry wherever you go. Kurt told me once you were in an Asian restaurant and you went to the chef to tell her how to improve her curry? Are you mad or something? Oh, did I mention: thanks for stealing Kurt from me. And oh, the shabby sticker on your guitar? Not from Santana. I did it. You deserved it, hah.
Blaine Anderson (Kurt’s ex)(fiancé)
P.S. Since Elliott is also a woman’s name I would give you the choice of me calling you Mrs. Curry but then again I’m dead now. Pity.
-
When Blaine opened his eyes he didn’t immediately know where he was. And when it occurred to him he closed his eyes again.
Next to him lay Sam, he could tell from the Vodka evaporation. He didn’t snore but he breathed pretty loudly. For a time Blaine breathed with the same rhythm. Why was he even here? He had planned to be dead by now.
“So typical”, he mumbled. Then Blaine waited for a headache to kick in but it didn’t happen. Weirdly enough, he felt relaxed and well rested. Those pills were pretty good. If Blaine by any chance would have a change of heart and not kill himself later he’d keep them for sleeping matters.
But for now he needed a shower. When he stood under the warm water he relaxed even more. What should he do now? Check out like planned or prolong his stay for another night? Sam would go and clear things with Brittany today so Blaine would finally be alone. Then a strange tug in his stomach remembered him of some things Sam had said yesterday. But he hadn’t meant it, right?
Blaine dried himself and put on yesterday’s underwear – he hadn’t brought fresh clothes since he hadn’t planned on living today.
“Blaine? Is it really you or is this a dream?” Sam was awake and looked at Blaine with red eyes.
“Yes, exactly. You’re still sleeping. Close your eyes”, Blaine said.
“Uuh, not so loud. My head. Do you have an aspirin?”
No, but twenty-eight sleeping pills if that would help?
“Blaine? Why am I naked?” Sam looked under the sheets and blushed. Before Blaine could explain it to him his eyes got big. “Oh my God, I remember everything! Brittany and her female lover! The hotel, the bar, you…”
Blaine moaned and sat down on his site of the bed while he buried his face in his hands. Everything was just so wrong!
“It was just a matter of time before we did it”, Sam went on. Blaine frowned. Do what?
“I don’t think you remember things correctly”, Blaine said into his hands.
“Yes, I do! How we tore each other’s clothes off and how we everywhere… oh and we showered, too… and then… oh my God, are you crying?”
Blaine took his hands from his face. He didn’t cry but he certainly felt like it. Why was Sam like that now? What had happened to good old Sam who would have asked if something is wrong instead of fantasising about them having sex? As flattering as it was, Blaine really needed something else now.
“What is wrong?”
Okay, well, now it was too late, anyhow. Blaine shook his head and got up to get into his clothes. Sam did the same. As soon as he was dressed he sat Blaine down on the bed again and looked at him earnestly.
“Do I remember it correctly that someone called Doug stood you up? Did you…” Sam glanced around. “Have you actually planned on… on your first date?”
“No, I have not! And we didn’t do it, too, okay? Why would you even think about that!?”
“I don’t… we didn’t? Huh. Maybe that was a dream then”, Sam admitted. “Now, then tell me why you have a hotel room here when your home isn’t far away.”
“It’s all… senseless”, Blaine said. “So senseless. I need to go home. You need to go home.”
“Hey, we didn’t even have breakfast”, Sam said. “I’m hungry.”
Blaine sighed. “Me, too.” Well, he could delay death for a few more hours.
They went to the dining hall, a big light-flooded conservatory and Blaine’s mood lifted for the moment. The buffet was a feast for the eyes. Blaine caught sight of exotic fruits, scones and breads, cheese, scrambled eggs and sausages; there was coffee and tea, freshly pressed juices and junkets. The air was filled with a fantastic smell.
“That’s how I imagine heaven”, Blaine said.
“What do you want?” Sam asked.
“Everything!”
“Well, then get it. I’ll be right with you, okay?”
So Blaine went for it. He had three plates in front of him and just ate a wholegrain toast with butter and eggs and sipped on his Cappuccino when Sam joined him.
“I’m glad you’re hungry. But I hope it’s not compensation because last night you expected…”
Blaine quickly shook his head. “I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning. Where have you been?” Sam had taken too much time to just have been to the bathroom.
“Oh, yeah, I checked out already. Your luggage is at the reception and the room is paid for.”
“What?” Blaine’s sausage fell from his fork.
“It’s the least I can do after you have been there for me yesterday. I must have been the most annoying dude ever…”
“Okay, okay, but my things? Have you packed everything?”
“It wasn’t much”, Sam said. “I just put everything in your bag, including the stuff in the bathroom.”
“But didn’t you… did you look at the floor and in the drawers as well?”
“No, should I have? Well, if I have forgotten something, no problem, we can still get it. How’s the coffee?”
“Good.” Blaine took the sausage up again and bite into it. Damn, that had been close.
“Oh shit!” Sam said. “Brit! I totally forgot her.”
“Yeah, right.”
“No, really. She’s here! She and her lover-girl. How do I look?”
“Astonishing good. Not like you drank like four bottles of Vodka yesterday. How’s your head?”
“They are sitting at the table in the back now”, Sam said. “Not far behind you. Don’t look. Pretend you don’t see them.”
“Well, I don’t”, Blaine said. “I don’t have eyes in the back of my head.”
“What if she sees us?” Sam asked flustered.
“Wasn’t that your plan?” Blaine said.
“What plan?” Now Sam looked like he was about to puke from excitement.
“Your plan that ruined my plan”, Blaine muttered. Sam didn’t listen. He goggled over Blaine’s shoulder at Brittany.
Blaine sighed. “Don’t stare at them. Maybe it’s better if you sit down next to me so if she sees you, you won’t see her and she doesn’t know you’ve seen her.”
“Uh… okay.” Sam frowned confused but then changed chairs. “And now?”
“Now you only have to wait until some eggs get thrown at your head.” Blaine was excited, too. What if Brit saw them? What would he do at her place?
Blaine drank a sip from his orange juice.
“You’ve got something there”, Sam said.
“Huh?”
“On your lip”, Sam said. “From the juice. Wait.” He took up a napkin and wiped over Blaine’s mouth. Blaine could only stare at him and the question whether Sam had meant some things he had said occurred again when it hit Blaine. Of course. It was because of Brittany.
“Oh, that’s good. She’ll explode from jealousy if she sees it”, Blaine said.
“Huh?” Sam looked at Blaine’s mouth for a moment and then into his eyes. Blaine gulped. This was all part of the plan, right? Or was Sam actually attracted to him? Going by what he had dreamt about them… Blaine’s heart pounded and for the first time since many months he felt something like hope. Maybe things could turn out good for him after all…?
Sam cleared his throat and turned away. Right. Blaine ate the rest of his sausage and willed himself not to cry. Of course not. How could he even have thought things could ever be good for him? Everything and everybody was against him.
“Excuse me, I… I’ll just go to the room and have a quick look around if you haven’t forgotten anything. I’m right back”, he said as he got up.
Upstairs the maid was in his room.
“Sorry, I have forgotten something”, Blaine said as he walked in. She was making the bed but the bedside table had not been touched from what Blaine could see. She would see him taking out the pills but he couldn’t think of being embarrassed right now.
Five minutes later he went downstairs again. What now? The letters would arrive soon and everybody would think he was dead. Maybe he could go to another hotel and still do it.
“Do you have plans for today?” Sam asked as they left the hotel. He was carrying Blaine’s bag as if Blaine couldn’t do it himself.
“Well, I…”
“Because I could really need an emergency meeting. You know, because of Brittany”, Sam said. Blaine sighed. He hated to leave Sam alone in all of this but it really couldn’t wait.
“I do have some plans, Sam, I’m sorry.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Do you want to work it out with her? Couples therapy?” Blaine asked to be there for Sam at least a little bit.
“No… I want a divorce.”
“What? Just like that? What about the baby?”
“It was false alarm. That’s why I followed her yesterday in the first place. She told me about it and I didn’t want to believe it. I thought maybe she was going to the doctor to abort it so I followed her. Instead she came here.” Sam shrugged and looked down the street. “Where’s your car?”
“Oh Sam, I’m so sorry. I know how much you were looking forward to being a dad.”
“Maybe it’s for the best, you know? I don’t think Brittany is the woman I should have a family with.”
Blaine sighed heavily. “Well. In the end everything will be good, I’m sure of it.”
Sam shrugged. “So, will you call Doug again or…?”
“Probably not. So, I came with a cab here and…”
Sam frowned. “Huh? Why?”
“No reason.” Blaine shook his head. “I’ll take a cab home, too.”
“Bullshit. I’ll drive you home.”
“You don’t have to.”
“You are kidding, right?” Sam looked so confused at him that Blaine thought it would be better to give in. He would have to pretend to go home and then take a cab to another hotel. The only problem was Sam’s talk on the way home made Blaine waver a bit.
“It’s not so bad that I will be single again”, he said. “Now we can spend so much more time together. It will be awesome, right? Just like old times.”
And hadn’t been one of the reasons why Blaine didn’t saw any hope the fact that Sam had been about to leave him? Now he wouldn’t. Maybe they could talk a lot about why Blaine felt so bad and things would be better, just a little bit?
But then again when had talking ever helped?
When Blaine was home the first thing he did was getting out the yellow pages. He needed to find another hotel. One in that no friends had a domestic drama going on. He only had twenty-eight pills left so he had to make the next try count. Luckily the Maritim had lots of free rooms. Blaine reserved one and called himself a cab.
Oh my God. Things were getting really serious. Nobody would know where he was. Nobody would interrupt him. It would really happen. If Blaine wanted to back out now would be a good time.
He stood in his hall and stared at the door, waiting for the cab to arrive when his phone went. He couldn’t speak to anyone now, especially not to people who had gotten his letter. He would just pretend to be dead already. When he buzzing stopped Blaine took out his phone and looked who had wanted to talk to him. Sam. Of course. Blaine gulped down the lump in his throat and put the phone away again. He would never talk to Sam again.
Before Blaine could have more doubts the doorbell rang. He hurried down and saw the cab in front of his door. That was it, then.
His phone buzzed again. Blaine ignored it and closed the door with much force. He was on his way. Nobody could stop him now. He got into the cab and closed the door. He hadn’t even bothered with a bag because he would go through with it without waiting for the night.
“Fulham Street”, he said to the driver.
When the car moved another car came to a halt in front of his door. The tires were squeaking and Blaine turned around to glance through the back window. It was Sam’s car. Sam jumped out of if, left the door open and ran to Blaine’s door. Oh, Sam. Heavy sadness lay down on Blaine. Sam would be devastated. Sam would cry so much. He couldn’t do this to Sam, not like that.
“Wait. Stop!”
The driver didn’t react so Blaine leaned forward and touched his shoulder. “Stop the car!”
“What?”
“Stop the freaking car!!!”
The driver shook his head but drove to the side of the street. Not even standing Blaine jumped out and hurried back to his house. Sam was pressing his thumb on the door bell over and over again, his eyes red from crying. Blaine crashed against him and threw his arms around his waist. His whole world shrank to Sam’s embrace, Sam’s arms that closed tightly around him and Sam’s sobs into his ear.
“Don’t leave me, Blaine, don’t leave me.”
“I won’t.” Blaine pressed his face against Sam’s chest. He didn’t want to die, he really didn’t want to. What a stupid idea. They could work things out, right? Sam would help him.
When they were in Blaine’s apartment Sam turned to him and crossed his arms.
“How did you plan to do it?”
“I… have some pills…”
“Give them to me. Now. All of them.” Sam held out his hand. Blaine sighed and emptied his pocket. Sam went to the bathroom and threw them into the toilet. As he flushed Blaine felt some tears rolling down his cheeks. So that was it. His stupid idea would never be carried out. Somehow, it was relieving.
Then his phone in the living room rang.
“I can’t answer that right now”, Blaine said. He drove a hand over his eyes. Who would it be?
Sam went to the living room and Blaine followed him.
“Blaine Anderson’s apartment”, Sam said into the phone. “Oh, no, he’s here. Yes, alive. Let me ask him.” He held the phone to his chest and looked at Blaine.
“Your mother wants to talk to you.”
Blaine took a deep breath and took the phone. He’d tell her he was alive and that was it.
“How could you do that to your mother, how? Have you forgotten that I have a heart condition?” she asked him. “I could have died, you know. Is that how you thank me for raising you?”
“I’m sorry”, Blaine said. “I was just…”
“Or was it supposed to be a joke? How cruel are you? You and Kurt, really?”
“That is long over, mom.”
“Oh God, oh God, just wait until your dad hears it…”
Blaine gave the phone back to Sam. He couldn’t do that right now. He felt sick. Sam looked pitiful at him but Blaine shook his head and sat down on the couch where he buried his face in his hands. After some moments Sam joined him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he whispered.
“It’s just… everything. First I lost Kurt, then my job, and everybody was so happy but me, and you were about to have a family and leave me, too and... I just…” Blaine sobbed. Sam laid his arm around Blaine’s shoulder and pressed him against himself.
“I would never leave you, Blaine. Never.”
“But it felt like it.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Blaine cried the whole fucking afternoon. In the evening Sam cooked some pasta and made Blaine watch Star Wars. Blaine didn’t really care about it – maybe for the first time ever – but that he could cuddle with Sam was helpful and felt like healing. Just a little bit.
“Blaine, I think you shouldn’t be alone for the night. Or live alone in the next weeks. I will sleep on the couch”, Sam stated.
“Mh, okay.”
“This has got nothing to do with the fact that I’m leaving Brittany and have nowhere else to go. I’m not using your weak state for my own advantage.”
“It’s okay, Sam. You can sleep on my couch whether I’m suicidal or not, you know that.”
“Yeah.” Sam voice was soft and accordingly he crawled through Blaine’s hair, which was a very nice feeling. Suddenly Blaine remembered that Sam had read the letter – so he knew know Blaine was still crushing on him. But he hadn’t said anything. Yeah, okay, they had had other things to talk about and maybe now was not the best time. Still, Blaine wondered what Sam was thinking. Especially after the things he had said the night before.
Blaine lifted his head from Sam’s shoulder and looked at him. Now was an inappropriate time to ask right? He bit his lip but he couldn’t hold it back.
“So, you read the whole letter I sent you?”
Sam nodded.
“Every part?” Blaine asked.
Sam met his eyes for a few seconds before he lifted his eyebrows. “What, you mean the crushing part? Duh, Blaine, I’m not blind.”
“Oh.” Blaine didn’t know why but he was disappointed. If Sam had known the whole time and was okay with it, it meant he didn’t feel the same way about Blaine. Well, of course not, he was married. The fact that Sam also liked men didn’t mean he automatically liked Blaine.
“Your health is more important right now”, Sam said. Blaine looked at him again.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean your health is more important than your love life.”
“My health includes my love life.”
“Huh, if you look at it that way…” Sam looked aside and he nodded to himself. “Sounds logical.”
Blaine sighed. “Still, I’m sorry, Sam.”
Sam’s eyes flew to Blaine. “What?”
“I never meant to make you uncomfortable.”
“Dude. You’re so sweet. We talked about it in high school already, remember? It doesn’t make me uncomfortable. If anything it makes me feel good. And maybe over the years I kind of started to like you back.”
Now it was Blaine’s turn to freeze and stare. “What?”
Sam chuckled. “So you never realised it. You’re still oblivious as hell.”
Blaine didn’t know what to say. How could this be? How?
“You know what you wrote about Doug… the real one not the imaginary one from yesterday… I also knew about that, too. He asked me one day if it was true that we were boyfriends.”
“Oh my God.” Blaine put a hand to his face. Damn, why couldn’t people keep the lies someone told them a secret?
“I confirmed it.”
“What?” Blaine left his hand drop again. “Why would you do that? You were married to Brittany.”
Sam shrugged. “I liked the thought. Hey, do you want to eat a snack before bedtime? That is totally allowed today, Blaine, I don’t want you to restrict yourself from anything that makes you feel good. Chocolate?”
“Uh, sure.”
Sam got up and left Blaine with his confusion. He was still unemployed and had no lover. But Sam was back, and he would stay. And he liked Blaine. What did that even mean? Would they leave everything how it was to not mess up their friendship? Or would they be lovers? That thought was ridiculous. Blaine had always viewed Sam as unreachable when it came to this area. He was the hot best friend who never would be more. That was how things were! Right?
When Sam came back Blaine could only stare at him. Sam was way too amused about all of this. He chuckled at Blaine’s shocked state and held some chocolate to Blaine’s mouth. He didn’t even open his mouth voluntarily, it was a reflex. But then he had chocolate in his mouth and started to suck on it.
When Blaine had choked down his chocolate he wiped over his mouth.
“So, what do you mean, you like me back? Can we please talk about that in detail?”
“It means…” Sam put the chocolate on the table and glided closer to Blaine. “It means I’ve always want to…” He leaned in and put both of his hands around Blaine’s face. Like on command Blaine’s heart started to race. He watched Sam’s face with those perfect lips coming closer and couldn’t breathe.
“Do this”, Sam whispered right before he pressed his mouth against Blaine’s. The black haired men closed his eyes and put his hands on Sam’s knees. Sam was kissing him! Sam! Oh my God! Was this really happening? Was it a vivid dream? It was heavenly in any case. It lasted only for a moment but Blaine enjoyed it more than he had enjoyed anything in the last months.
When Sam leaned back again Blaine remembered how to breathe. He slowly opened his eyes.
“Oh. Wow.”
Sam took Blaine’s hands and squeezed them. “But your health is more important. We’ll figure things out soon enough.”
“Wow… so you really mean it?”
Sam nodded.
“So you want us to go there?”
“You don’t? I thought…” Sam frowned. Blaine quickly took a firmer grasp on his hands.
“Yes, me too! Of course! I just… this is so unrealistic, you know? After all this years of friendship.” Blaine sighed.
“We’ll just slowly morph into the new relationship. It will be okay.” Sam patted Blaine’s hand. “Just promise me you won’t try anything stupid again.”
“I will not. I will start looking for therapy first thing in the morning.”
“Maybe you should call some people and tell them you’re not dead, too.”
“Yeah, that too.” Blaine nodded. It wouldn’t be pleasant but he would do it. Most people would probably react better than his mother, anyway.
-
Sam had proposed to go grocery shopping for them but Blaine needed to get out of the house. When he came back he decided to tell Mrs. Smith the news. He rang her doorbell and waited for her to answer it.
“Yes, dear? Oh, it’s you.” Her look changed as she opened the door and saw him. Blaine put on his best ‘Yeah not dead’ smile.
“You gave Lucky cookies, you bad, bad boy.”
“Mrs. Smith, I’m here to tell you to not take the letter serious. I’m still alive as you can see.”
“And why wouldn’t you be?”
“Uuuh…” Blaine couldn’t remember exactly what he had written her but it had been a note that he was leaving, right?
“When will you move out?”
“I… I’m here to tell you I changed my mind. I will not ‘move out’ after all”, Blaine said. She had only thought he would move out, thank God.
“Pity.” She closed the door.
Back in his apartment he sighed and put the bags on the kitchen table.
“Bad news, Sam, we lost the love of Mrs. Smith”, he called into the apartment. There was no answer. So Blaine checked his phone and saw that Sam had written him he would go and grab a few things from his flat.
Alright. That gave Blaine time to call Kurt. It turned out Kurt had called Mrs. Anderson the day before and knew already that Blaine wasn’t dead. He was still pissed, though.
“You can’t just go and decide to kill yourself, Blaine. That is just not fair to the people you leave behind.”
“Do any of you even care about the fact that I’m miserable?” Blaine said. He couldn’t believe all reactions he got were reproachful ones.
“You have to admit that’s a pretty big shock to hear”, Kurt said. He sighed. “But alright, you’re right. Are you okay? Is Sam with you? You shouldn’t be alone now.”
“Yes, Sam’s staying with me”, Blaine confirmed. “And can you tell Mr. Curry, too?”
“He knows already. Don’t call him that.”
Blaine rolled his eyes and eventually hung up. Five minutes later his phone went. It was Cooper and the first thing he said was: “You told Harrison Ford I wasn’t interested in his movie anymore? Blaine? What a cruel thing to do.”
“Uhu, hi Cooper.”
“Are you aware that you probably ruined my chance of a break-through? I could have been super famous by now, more famous than I already am!”
“Did you read the rest of the letter, too? The thing about you being a bad brother?”
“Oh, that. I forgive you for that.”
Blaine raised his eyebrows. “Wow. And people wonder why I wanted to kill myself.”
“What?”
“Nothing. I need to go, bye.”
He hung up and disconnected the landline from the network. It kind of felt good to be honest even when people didn’t even react to it or, in case of Mrs. Smith, didn’t like him anymore.
When Sam came back Blaine had cuddled up with pillows on the couch and actually waited for him. Sam smiled about it and joined Blaine, who was glad about the physical contact.
“So… what did Brittany say?” he asked.
“She admitted to everything, and she said she thought we had the agreement that same sex affairs didn’t count as cheating. We didn’t, though. Well, she was sad that I wanted to break up and asked me to start over but…” Sam shrugged. “I kind of didn’t want anymore and not only because of her cheating.”
“No?” Blaine whispered.
Sam looked warmly at him. “No. I… I kind of want to find out more about us.”
“Oh.”
“You know, what we could be…” Sam gently rubbed over Blaine’s back, and Blaine sighed. Yes, good. He wanted to find that out, too.
“Of course we have very much time to get there. First you need to get healthy”, Sam said. “Have you contacted therapists already?”
“No, but I spoke with Kurt and Cooper.” Blaine told Sam the details and was glad when Sam reacted like he should, head shaking at Kurt and enraged about Cooper.
“Such an idiot!” he said. “And about the therapists…”
“Yes, I will look for one”, Blaine said. “Right after lunch.” He stretched his arms, yawned and looked at Sam. It was so good Sam didn’t go anywhere. And even better was that they soon would be an item. Or maybe were already. Blaine didn’t know exactly how slow Sam wanted to take it but he dared to press a little kiss on his mouth before he got up to prepare lunch.
Maybe there was hope for Blaine after all.
The end