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"Cooper," Frank said, and Marvin could tell by his tone of voice he'd stayed up way too late last night - probably reading in bed again, or something.
"Grandpa," Cooper said, and Marvin could tell by the expression on his face he didn't really mean it; just trying to get a rise out of Frank, nothing behind it at all.
"What the - " Frank looked at Marvin, who shrugged by way of saying: 'you let this guy get his jollies on by getting a rise out of you, that's not my problem'. "Look, I'm not that old, all right?"
"Age is about right." Cooper signalled over a waitress.
Frank looked hurt. "Age is just a number."
"Yeah," Cooper said. "And your number says I could let you meet my kids while dressed up as Santa Claus, and they'd buy it."
"Santa's pretty old," Marvin put in, spotting a chance to make a contribution. A constructive contribution. "But still, you know, spry. Getting on in weight a bit, maybe." By way of a hint, it was a nice and subtle one, he felt.
"You do know Santa's not real, right?" Frank said.
Cooper looked mildly disapproving in the way of parents everywhere when people talked about things they wouldn't have wanted their kids to overhear.
"Yes, Frank," Marvin said. "I'm not an idiot. I know very well we're all supposed to pretend Santa's just some fat guy who gets hired to dress up in a suit and tell kids that nice things will happen to them if they grow up to be good little citizens who do and think exactly what the government wants them to do and think."
Cooper looked slightly more disapproving. In a place like this, with nobody trying to kill them, it was easy to forget sometimes that he was one of Them.
The way Frank raved on and on about him didn't help, of course. Only two weeks ago, it had been 'I sleep a lot easier knowing Cooper's on top of things in the CIA'. Honestly, the way things were going, Marvin wouldn't be surprised if the two of them'd be braiding each other friendship bracelets next.
Or picking out a set of wedding bands, maybe. That sort of thing seemed to be legal these days - inasfar as anything that was aimed solely at getting your name and picture in a government-controlled database was legal. (So most things, really.)
"Your friend's very ... passionate," Cooper said.
"Yes," Frank said. "I think that 'passionate' is a very good word for Marvin."
"I don't do threesomes," Marvin said quickly, before either of them could get any funny ideas. He knew the kind of books Frank read, full of heaving bosoms and smouldering looks and flowing locks - and he wanted nothing to do with that kind of stuff. No heaving bosoms for him, thank you very much.
Cooper went from 'mildly disapproving' to the kind of blank that could only mean Marvin had hit the nail right on the head.
"Thank you for sharing that with us, Marvin," Frank said, and then, turning to the waitress, who looked like she had at least three cameras concealed on various parts of her body, "I'll take mine black, please."
"This place is a viper's nest," Marvin said, once the government drone had moved on.
"Personally, I quite enjoy their coffee," Cooper said. "Also, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, there's pie."
"You brought me to a CIA covert op? Honestly, Frank. What's in this coffee - more LSD? Or is it that new stuff - what's it called again?"
"I like pie," Frank said. "Pie is good."
"That's a sex thing, right? You guys are discussing your sex life? Here?"
"Pie, Marvin," Frank said. "Just pie."
"Don't talk to me about pie. I know all about pie."
"No, you don't," Cooper said, which might have sounded more convincing if he hadn't avoided eye contact by reaching for his coffee just as he was speaking, taking a sip right after.
(Henry was right; they didn't make spies like they used to make them anymore.)
"I know the two of you are sleeping together," Marvin said. He strongly suspected they were, too. Actually, honest-to-God sleeping together. Like they trusted each other.
This whole age thing was really getting to Frank, and no doubt about it. Shame.
"One time," Frank said. "Well, two. Three, maybe, if you want to get technical."
"No, don't do that," Marvin said. "By all means, let's not get technical about this, Frank."
"It's just sex," Cooper said. "And it was five times."
"You - " Marvin stared at Frank. "With your mouth?"
"Well, what else should I have used, Marvin? My toes?"
"You're not flexible enough for that kind of stuff," Cooper said.
Frank scowled. "Look, toes are not - "
"Are, too," Marvin said.
"Although not at your age," Cooper said. "So never mind. What I want to know is: did you tell him?"
"No," Frank said. "Of course I didn't tell him. Why should I tell him?"
" 'cause I'm your friend?"
Cooper looked unconvinced, which was a little offensive. To Frank, that was. Nothing to do with Marvin, really. "So how does he know, then? I sure as heck didn't tell him."
"Oh, please," Marvin said. "Like it's not completely obvious from the way you two are all over each other. I mean, look at you. You're practically cuddling over there."
"There's at least ten inches between us," Frank said. "We've barely even touched each other."
"Noticed that, did you?" Marvin said. "What's wrong, had a bit of a tiff last time?"
"Eleven," Cooper said. "And I don't cuddle in public. It's unprofessional."
"Oh, is that what you call it?" Frank asked, and then, turning to Marvin: "Unprofessional? Can you believe this guy?"
"I'm just saying it like it this," Cooper said.
"See?" Frank said. "This is why we never have nice things. Like - like grocery shopping and pie and trying on funny hats together. This is why."
"Frank, I don't think we agree on the definition of 'nice things'," Marvin said. "I mean, grocery shopping?"
"I like grocery shopping," Frank said. "There's this farmer's market, only five blocks away from where I live. It's great."
"That's not grocery shopping. Visiting a farmer's market is not grocery shopping."
"Sex is not a nice thing?" Cooper said, frowning.
Frank's facial muscles did some things that probably wouldn't help hold off the wrinkles. "Of course that's a nice thing, too. But, you know - "
"With age comes a certain perspective," Marvin said. "That's a quote, Frank."
"You want to cuddle," Cooper said.
"It's nice," Frank said. "Relaxing. You know, it doesn't always have to be about - well, things that are not relaxing. Breakfast in bed. Listening to some music. Watching a movie, maybe. A romantic movie."
"I don't - " Cooper started, and then he shut up, so Marvin supposed that perhaps there might be hope for him yet. And for Frank, too, of course.
Aside from the part where they were both completely FUBAR, to use a military term.
"Today's Tuesday," Marvin said. "I think I'll go see about getting some pie, if the two of you will excuse me."
"Go for it," Frank said.
(They were actually sort of holding hands under the table by the time he got back. Plus, they'd swapped coffee cups for their refill, which was practically the same as making out in public.)
(It was all very gooey and disgusting. Marvin made a mental note to ambush the waitress after her shift so that he'd have some pictures to send to Victoria.)