Chapter Text
“I’m dying…”
The words that came out of his mouth feel very much real now that he’s said out loud. As he looked into the mirror, he could feel the dread of his situation creeping up to him, expressed by his already becoming lifeless eyes. Looking back at his reflection, it’s like staring at another person than himself. He didn’t imagine it would get faster than what he expected.
He got achingly thin. Even if he gains weight easily, it seemed that his body’s already starting to betray him. He lost his appetite and got paler than usual. He just hopes that nobody will notice this. Especially Viktor.
He’d rather not tell Viktor about his situation and let him share the burden. Viktor might be the skating legend of the world, but he cares a lot about the people around him. He knows Viktor will just worry and pity him if he knows about his condition. He’d rather spend his remaining months with Viktor happily than see him suffer because of him.
There was a sudden knock on his room. He hurriedly scurried away from the mirror and made everything possibly better by fixing his morbid look.
“Yuuri…”
It’s Viktor. Of course it’s going to be him. They’re the only ones occupying Viktor’s apartment here in St. Petersburgh. After some gruelling debate about this change just three months ago, also three months after he won silver in the Grand Prix Final, he finally agreed to move in with Viktor in Russia.
He opened the door and saw Viktor standing right outside the door.
“Good morning Viktor.”
“YUURIIII!! Good morning.” And then he flashes that adorable heart-shaped smile.
I wish I could still hang on a little bit longer to see that smile often. It’s one of the things I’ll definitely miss once I’m gone. I hope he’ll wear it during my funeral.
It feels so long now since they moved here in Russia so that older male can coach him and be under Yakov’s tutelage at the same time. He knows how much it is taxing Viktor, in between coaching him and practicing, he’s almost killing himself with exhaustion and fatigue. For the past months, he’d already tried to convince Viktor to focus on practicing but he just won’t listen to him.
“I promised to make you a five-time world champion, didn’t I, Yuuri?” That’s how he would reply to him every time he tried to make his point.
But that’s definitely one of the factors that made him hopelessly in love with him. His selflessness, kindness, childishness and being beautiful, it’s just captivating. He knows that Viktor will be the only one for him. And to be able to repay that selflessness, he will do anything to make Viktor feel all the love that he has for his beloved coach, even if it will cost his life. Even if those achingly gorgeous flowers that got the shade of Viktor’s eyes perfectly slowly squeeze the life out of him.
It’s already six months since he found out about his condition, after winning silver during the Grand Prix Final while inside their shared hotel room, he started to cough up several petals of blue roses. Dismissing it as if nothing, he went back to sleep but then an hour later he woke up coughing severely and being barely able to breath. He immediately went to the bathroom and then he saw the same petals coming out viciously from his mouth. His throat felt sore like the insides are being slowly clawed out. He could also taste the familiar hint of iron in the blood staining his lips.
He’s in love with Viktor and he contracted the hanahaki disease. How can the world be so cruel? The moment he’s learned about his feelings was the moment he also received his death sentence. Great… Just great, isn’t it?
He could not cry. He’s too shocked to do so. He’s too hurt to realize how his love sprang so suddenly and then got rejected just as fast. He knows it. It’s already a common knowledge that a hanahaki disease just occurs when it’s a love that is unrequited.
He slowly emerged out of the bathroom and passed silently to his sleeping and oblivious coach. It seems that he was too tired to have heard of Yuuri’s coughing fits. Well isn’t it much better to keep it that way? Much better to keep him out of this mess he’s obviously not responsible for.
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“Hey, Viktor. It’s almost a month away from your birthday what would you like to have?” Would it also be a month away from my inevitable death?
However, it seemed Viktor’s too busy eating and thinking and texting that he doesn’t hear about Yuuri’s question. Ahhh. Maybe he just had to shut up and think about it himself.
“Hmmm. What is it again Yuuri?” But Yuuri’s already left the table, barely touching his food. He’s airway is way too crowded with the flowers that he could not eat properly. It’s a good thing that Viktor’s too immersed in his world that he fails to see changes in Yuuri. Not that he’s expecting Viktor to care. But he can’t deny that he’s not hurt.
“It’s nothing. Shall we go to the rink now?” He smiled masking the feeling of the unshed tears he’s been keeping for months now.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Katsudon?!” He heard Yurio shouting at him after he fell again, face first to the cold ice for the nth time and breathes raggedly as if experiencing oxygen shortage which in fact is true.
“I’m just tired. That is. Let us just go back to where we left, can we?” He just said trying to dismiss any suspicions that may lead to his current situation.
“Don’t give me that bullshit! You’ve been like this ever since the Grand Prix Final. Listen here pig, winning that silver medal doesn’t mean you have the right to slack off! If you’re going to keep this up, then better continue that retirement for all I care!”
And then Yurio angrily skated to the side of the rink, leaving practice earlier than necessary. Oh God, he messed up again. He knows that he doesn’t have the right just like what Yurio had said. Retirement seems to be a good choice especially that he’s starting to feel the toll overtaking his body due to his disease.
But for one last time, he wants to meet Viktor on the same ice and be seen as an equal, worthy of his attention and smiles. And more than that, he’d like to spend the remaining months of his life together with two of the loveliest things he’d ever had: Viktor and ice skating.
He feels terrible when he woke up that morning. He feels groggy and light-headed like the world is spinning in front of him and then add to that his throat feels painful with the thorns clogging and scratching his lungs with no mercy whenever he tries to speak. He’d rather take a rest but Viktor might get suspicious and he’s not sure he will be able to lie to his face. Speaking of which, where is Viktor?
He got up and went outside to see Viktor already dressed up with his track suit, ready to go to the rink.
“Oh, you’re just in time! Yuuri, I’m going ahead of you. See you at the rink!” And with that he was gone in a speed of light.
Even though they’re together in the same house, he can feel how distant they’ve grown to each other. He knows that there are far more important things in Viktor’s life than Yuuri that he has to take care of. Yuuri is just Vktor’s student, he should learn more about boundaries that he should not cross. Viktor might give him those smiles but it does not mean anything to him. No matter how much he pines over Viktor nothing will ever change that fact.
Viktor is the most beautiful person he’d ever seen in his whole life. A walking enigma that crushes every single heart he passes by. While he in comparison is nothing; a pig with a hopeless skating career, with no achievements at all, riddled with anxiety and depression in the brink of dying because he fell in love with someone who’s never going to fall in love with him.
With those thoughts, he started coughing blue petals again with blood in it. It’s painful. It’s not just his throat and lungs but his heart is also in pain. It’s like being squeezed and made until it’s bleeding and broken.
He vomited blood.
It’s the first time he’s vomited blood. Sure there is blood sometimes but not with this amount. He had not once tried to go to a check up but he knows with enough research that he’s condition is already severe and it already needs extensive medical attention. He cannot let that happen. From what he learned, there are three cures for this disease; if the love is reciprocated or the patient falls out of love, the flowers will immediately wither. However, if these will not happen then he can opt for a surgery. The first two choices is apparently an impossible case for him so it must be the surgery. But how can he do it, when this will guarantee that he will forget Viktor, the sole reason he’s still anchored to go on and pursue life in this world. He was the source of his inspiration. He found his life and love with Viktor, how could he waste it away? He’d rather repay it with his life and love too than to take it for granted.
Despite the queasiness he’s experiencing he tried standing up from his slouched form facing the toilet and immediately flushing away all the evidences. Even though it’s cold he took a shower. He could feel himself shivering too much despite the hot water drenching him from head to toe. He then quickly changed into his favourite practice clothes not bothering to take some breakfast and heading out to the freezing weather Russia’s offered first hand in the morning. It’s cold but not quite too cold compared to his unrequited love.
The rink where he and Viktor do their practice is just a few blocks away from where they are currently staying so the walk should only be short. But for Yuuri, it felt like years walking into the sea of snow and chilly blow of the wind with the throbbing in his head and the ache in his throat. He probably looked like a zombie threading his way to his supposedly short destination. If anyone sees him now he’ll probably be arrested for scaring off residents with his messed up look. Too late for Halloween.
At last, he reached the rink without scaring anyone successfully. Upon entering, he could already make out Viktor’s silver head poking out in one of the bleachers. It seems that he’s still alone, maybe practicing alone. He can understand Viktor, he also felt that need to be alone sometimes to be able to focus more. He was ready to call out to Viktor when he noticed he’s talking to someone over his phone. He can’t help but step a little closer to listen.
“Chris! How are you?” Viktor’s face is painted with that unusual glee he rarely sees despite being together with him for almost two years now. There’s also a different tone decorating his voice. It’s lively `and full of enthusiasm. And then he heard him laugh. It’s one of those laughs that he can never forget, a sight to behold that he’s not accustomed to.
“I can’t wait to see you at Skate Europe~~. I already miss you, Chris…” There’s a different glint in Viktor’s eyes as he purred to Chris. So it was Chris huh? The sexy and adorable Swiss who could also rival Viktor’s looks and appeal. Of course, it would be Chris, they’re both on the same league and he’s clearly out of it. How can he be so stupid? Viktor likes Chris and he’s nothing but a mere student to the older male. He can never be as good as Chris so why dwell on something that cannot be changed? Maybe he’s a masochist; he just likes to batter he’s already bruised heart again and again. Poor him.
Suddenly he could not breathe. His anxiety slowly bubbling up to surface together with the flowers that begged to be noticed. He quickly went to the rest room before Viktor can see him. Thankfully, there’s no one else in the stalls as he poured his heart and lungs out with the love represented by his blue flowers that is never going to be reciprocated. But despite emptying his lungs, he still can’t breathe properly. His anxiety is getting the best out of him. Being not able to cry even increased the ache in his chest.
Breathe Yuuri. In. Out. In. Out. You can do it.
He continued to cough blood and flowers, while panting like a wild animal. He probably looked so horrible now. He could not think clearly. He’s head is submerged in fog and smoke and it’s throbbing like it’s being hammered.
Yuuri. You can do it. Breathe just like what you always do. You can pull it through. It’s an easy task. In. Out. In. Out.
After a few more minutes, he’s breathing evened out and he can now breathe but not that much because of the vines and flowers that resumed its place like it never got expelled minutes ago. But the headache is still there and he feels so cold than usual.
This is nothing. I should not stop just because of this illness. I should never waste Viktor’s efforts.
And so he got up and fixed his face like nothing ever happened.
And that’s how he, Yuuri Katsuki, the nobody, fell to his destined love and doom, Viktor.
It was already two months since Yuuri found out the devastating truth, but still, as stubborn and as resilient his heart is, he found himself still helplessly in love with Viktor. No matter how Viktor had hurt him, he can’t do nothing else but still love him.