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Bed hunting is hard.
Convincing Yusaku to let him go with him is even harder. Despite the fact that he usually just shops online Yusaku makes it a point to compare prices on store locations to determine what the best deal is based on his budget, a protocol that resulted from him making unfortunate buys when he was younger. Little did Ryoken realize that the best deal for Yusaku is absolutely unacceptable by anyone’s standards, going for the cheapest thing without a care for making an actual investment, so, in Ryoken’s failed attempt to stop that madness, they got into a hushed argument about it in the middle of a second-hand furniture store that ended with Yusaku deciding not to buy a thing and Ryoken glaring at the store clerk until the poor guy had to turn around and walk away, looking traumatized.
Because Ryoken is extremely weak, he follows Yusaku as soon as he walks out of the store, apologizes for intruding while promising not to secretly buy a bed for him, and got an amused eye roll and a smooch on his cheek for his trouble.
“You're so dramatic,” Yusaku had said, and Ryoken felt his dignity die as soon as he realized he lost their first domestic argument by giving in. How could Yusaku sound so aloof while kissing him? It’s a mystery he doesn’t have the resources to figure out.
Yusaku declared he had enough for the day after that and asked him, with evasive eyes and a pretty pout on his lips, to spent the rest of the week over so they could have as many trial and errors bed hunting as there needed to be for him to actually get a bed. If he were a more resilient individual he could have probably said no, he's actually a bit busy, Genome is going to be murdered by the rest of his comrades if Ryoken isn't there to defuse the situation, and he really shouldn't leave Spectre in charge for long since he's bound to just watch the world burn around him instead of intervening— but he did give up on his father's life work because of a card game, so it's no surprise that staring at Yusaku's mouth for a couple of seconds did him in.
It is what brings Ryoken to his current sleeping situation.
Futons are overrated, he decides after ten minutes of laying in Yusaku’s own worn down, thin and slightly humid smelling one. It’s marginally better than laying on the actual floor; he doesn’t remember futons being this uncomfortable from the couple times he slept in them as a kid, but that may have more to do with how he’s now almost nineteen and sharing a futon that was certainly made for only one person with someone who's not that much smaller than him, even if Yusaku is thinner. He’s staring at the ugly ceiling in the dark, his boyfriend’s steady weight over his chest as he sleeps soundly, making quick work of staining his shirt thanks to the saliva dripping from where he’s sucking at his thumb, much like a little kid would. He imagines Yusaku still does it because he never had an adult around to tell him not to, but Ryoken would rather not focus on the sad part of that for now. It's a cute sight, but it doesn't take away the pain of his back and the awkwardness of being used as a pillow.
Still, being uncomfortable is a sacrifice Ryoken is willing to make for him. Never mind he’ll look like death warmed over in the morning from the sleep deprivation; if Yusaku got to sleep for the whole night it was worth it in his book. He’s wearing one of Ryoken’s sweaters and old pair of underwear as pajamas, which is a plus, and serves to make him even more pathetically weak.
What was not worth it, however, was the Dark Ignis thinking it can chatter away like its Ryoken best pal.
“…so I was like ‘Roboppy you can’t just watch the soaps without me’ and she—”
“I’m sorry,” Ryoken interrupts with a vicious whisper, frowning at the ceiling and trying not to move as to not disturb Yusaku. Glancing down to his relaxed face is a blessing, a sight that never fails to make Ryoken’s chest constrict in dangerous ways. “Did I say something to you that made you believe I wanted to speak to you at all? Because if so, I take it back.”
The Ignis makes a deeply offended sound, and Ryoken shifts his head to the side so he can glare at it. He already couldn’t sleep because his back was protesting, why did he have to deal with this as well? He’s starting to question Yusaku’s decision to not leave the Ignis on his desk instead of plugging it right next to them in the floor, supposedly for safekeeping. If someone broke into Yusaku’s place they would leave empty handed; no one wants a Duel Disk that’s ten years old.
“Excuse you, I’m trying to make the most of this situation!” The Ignis whisper-shouts, its brow furrowing. It’s quite hard to distinguish exactly what it’s doing with its hands, because it’s dark, but Ryoken thinks he sees a middle finger. It makes him frown harder. “It’s not my fault you’re too weak to say no to Yusaku-chan’s requests!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Ryoken says, like a liar. He’s perfectly aware that he didn’t have to agree to stay the whole week like Yusaku asked him to, but seeing him turn just a tiny bit shy, the slightest note of color rising in his face at his own request, made Ryoken weak at the knees, so he knew exactly what the Ignis was referring to. But he wasn’t going to admit that. “Now, if you could shut up so I can actually get some sleep—”
“I have things to say to you, and this is my chance!” The Ignis cuts in, crossing his arms. Ryoken rolls his eyes. “Hey! I’m serious about this!”
Yusaku shifts on top of him, his face coming to rest against his neck and making his arm end up twisted in an awkward angle. Ryoken sighs and brings his hand up to stretch it out before he gets a cramp, going as far as to help him stick his thumb back in his mouth when he starts to make slightly distressed noises. It’s all very cute, and Ryoken has the need to take a picture so he can treasure it forever just in case something happens, but he can’t do that with the Ignis watching.
“Be quiet, the last thing any of us needs is Yusaku waking up,” Ryoken brings the hand he has around Yusaku’s waist up to run through his hair, scoffing at the Ignis but paying attention to his breathing pattern. Yusaku is always mostly quiet in his sleep, but he has a thing for attaching himself to Ryoken like a koala and even sometimes talking nonsense, most of the time about the dreams he’s having. The cuteness does very little to make him less annoyed, unfortunately. “Don’t you have a sleep mode or something?”
“I don’t need it when the Duel Disk is fully charged,” its voice is annoyingly smug when it says this, as if it’s trying to make Ryoken be actually angry at it. It’s working. “And you’re going to listen to what I have to say one way or another, gun boy!”
“I told you to stop calling me that,” Ryoken says through clenched teeth. The Ignis is really grating on his nerves right now, and that’s making his body tense which not only equals to him being even more uncomfortable, but also for Yusaku to make a sound akin to a whine as he nuzzles himself even closer in hopes of finding comfort. Ryoken feels that like pain in his chest. “If I let you say whatever you have to say will you leave me alone?”
The Dark Ignis hesitates. It’s not something Ryoken sees often— around him and attached to Yusaku’s wrist, the Dark Ignis is confident and foolish, as well as a goddamn idiot at times, so it’s always strange to see it think seriously before going through with something. Ryoken might just be intrigued about its words now, not that he will say so out loud.
“It’s about Yusaku.”
Oh.
Well, perhaps Ryoken should have expected something like this. It was unreasonable to hope that the Ignis wouldn’t try to talk him out of this relationship at some point, and Ryoken feels like it has the right to do so. After all, he has to recognize that in many ways the Ignis knows Yusaku better than he does, or at least to a degree he can’t fully comprehend because of the implications of it being born out of Yusaku’s suffering.
This is too deep for two a.m, is the thought that crosses his mind, but Ryoken knows there’s not running away from this. Better to be done with this sooner than later, anyway.
“What about him?” His voice already sounds too tired for his own ears. It’s a display of weakness that he shouldn’t indulge in front of the enemy, but he can’t help it when it’s Yusaku they’re talking about. He’s a weak spot Ryoken knows he can’t avoid. Glancing at the Ignis and seeing it looking strangely serious, Ryoken stifles a sigh. “We don’t have all night, you know? Humans do need sleep.”
“I’m aware, asshole,” the Ignis frowns at him, and Ryoken raises his eyebrows in response. It seems to understand the clock is ticking, because its next words are sobering and make Ryoken feel like someone just dropped ice cold water on him. “Do you love him?”
He takes too long to respond.
Ryoken is fully aware of this, and the increasing silence between them makes the Ignis let out a sound of distress, its foot tapping against the surface of the Duel Disk. It occurs to Ryoken that it is really concerned over this, and he doesn’t know how to feel about that. What he does know, though, is that he’s not ready to answer that question out of the blue, especially when the answer swims around in his head every single say, waiting for the day in which he will be able to be that honest without feeling guilty with little hope for it.
“I certainly feel deeply for him,” Ryoken starts, but the Ignis makes a disapproving sound that draws another glare from him. Yusaku’s thumb fall off his mouth again, but there’s no distress this time; he replaces the lost with just sticking his hand to Ryoken’s chest. “What?”
“I can already tell you’re not being honest! I don’t need to be Aqua to know you’re omitting the truth.” Ryoken is pleasantly surprised by the fact the Ignis isn’t screaming at him, instead keeping its tone even, mindful of Yusaku’s sleep, probably aware that waking him up could result in his insomnia kicking in. Sighing, Ryoken considers how to answer, and thinks back to how the last month has been.
There’s always one constant thought running through his mind nowadays since he finally gathered enough courage to confess to Yusaku, a thought that injects him with so many conflicting emotions that it has come to scare him out of his skin every time it crosses his mind: Is this what happiness feels like?
It’s extremely cheesy but something that he can’t get rid of; the things Yusaku makes him feel are all new and scary, as well as disturbingly familiar. Ryoken knows obsession and he knows need, knows how it can consume you to the point in which you can’t recognize yourself anymore by the end of it and you have to run away on a boat for three months. To some degree, he knows love and how it feels to be cared for. He knows some sort of friendship in perhaps its weirdest form, and he knows what it’s like to be pining and shaking from anticipation and self-restraint every time he sets his eyes on the subject of his affections, something that has been going on almost since day one, since before he knew.
Most of those feelings he only knew drenched in anger, heartbreak, and pain, though. He knew obsession because he was raised to let it dictate his life, similar to how he knew need – he needs to take down the Ignis, to take down SOL, to save humanity, to find Playmaker, to respect his father’s memory – and he knew love in what he recognizes now was a very twisted way, a puppet show instead of something he could lean on, learn from and grow from. His friendship with Spectre is complicated but mostly positive, but that doesn’t save it from not being intimately involved in all the tragedy surrounding their lives.
Yusaku somehow has managed to put all those feelings into a new different perspective, though, to make him see so many different things he was missing before, that lacked in his life without him even realizing it. Like how nice it was to come home to someone that would welcome you openly instead of getting a cold, formal greeting or the sight of a body on a bed. How easy it is to be hugged and held without it being a luxury. How good it feels to be able to just call someone on the phone, without the reason being related to an emergency or bad news or scheming. Most of all, he hadn’t realized how much his concept of need would change, both in the emotional and psychical sense.
Ryoken doesn’t know how, why, when exactly Yusaku so effectively and quietly took over his heart, but he wasn’t ever going to complain about it. As torn as he was about his current role in life and where he was trying to go with his ever impossible mission, Ryoken has come to accept his feelings for Yusaku are consistent and probably permanent. He can’t do anything to change that fact, and he knows trying is futile. He would gladly accept an early grave over having to get rid of those feelings.
He has a feeling Yusaku is well aware of how he feels – White Day practically proved this – and of how Ryoken is struggling to reconcile those feelings with how he’s been living his life until now. Perhaps that what charms him so much about him; Yusaku has such a deep understanding of how people work even though his social skills are shit to the point in which sometimes Ryoken thinks he can read minds. The only reason he doesn’t allow himself or that Yusaku doesn’t allow him to say ‘I love you’ is this inner conflict, the fact that he’s not ready, as well as just the recklessness of giving himself away like that. If he commits to his feelings and words this early there’s no guarantee that he will be able to get things straight for himself once everything is over, or that he won’t break the implied promises that come with them.
And, well, if when everything is over Ryoken is not around to see it, he doesn’t want Yusaku to live with that weight on his shoulders.
Right now though, Yusaku isn’t listening and he isn’t there to stop him from being terribly honest with himself, and he’s being questioned about his intentions like he isn’t keeping himself from just deleting the Dark Ignis on a fit of annoyance and little else every single day. If anything, Ryoken at least has to defend himself.
“I love Yusaku,” he admits, ignoring how his heartbeat picks up and pretending nonchalance as his grip on Yusaku’s hair reflectively tightens with— well, with the force of his love, really. It may be silly and sappy, but it’s the truth. “You don’t have to worry about that, Ignis.”
Silence falls between them yet again, practically unbroken. Yusaku shifts even closer to him, this time wrapping a leg around one of his own, and Ryoken feels his body pressed from chest to toe against his with no small amount of glee. He waits for the Ignis to answer with as much patience as he can, because he knows it won’t stay quiet about this for long. It’s just trying to come up with an excuse as to why this can’t be true, and Ryoken refuses to feel anything other than slightly bothered over that.
“But you still hate us,” the Ignis starts, and Ryoken almost wants to deny it, but he can’t. He wishes he could, but knowing what he knows, growing up as he did, makes it hard. Locking his eyes on the Ignis’s frame, Ryoken tries to decipher what it might be thinking, but it’s hard with Yusaku’s hair on his face and only a pair of yellow eyes to go off of. “How can you love him but hate us?”
Ryoken thinks about it, but he already knows the answer. “I don’t know. It’s what I ask myself every day, if you truly want me to be honest.”
It must be the sleep deprivation settling in, Ryoken thinks as he runs his answer through his mind again, but it’s only a superficial screen. This Ignis is so odd, nothing at all like what Ryoken would expect from someone like Yusaku, but it’s also special— and it might as well be thanks to him. If there’s someone that deserves to know about this besides Yusaku and himself, it’s probably the Dark Ignis, whose rapid development might be the accidental result of his interference with his father’s experiment and Yusaku’s hope for living. It’s probably worrying that Ryoken feels compelled to actually talk about this for once, but he might as well do it while he’s not completely drowning in denial and guilt.
“And you live like that?” The Ignis asks. Ryoken feels a bit of unreasonable anger at the question: of course he lives like that, how else is he going to live? But he knows what the Ignis means— how can Ryoken live like he’s being constantly choked by his feelings? By his morals? How can he say he loves Yusaku and still plot several plans to run an emergency protocol to destroy the Ignis if just one little thing goes wrong, once the results of the simulations are done? He has no idea. He doesn’t have answers for it, and the Ignis trying to be understanding of him makes dread settle in his bones. “It must be hard.”
“It is,” Ryoken agrees, because there’s no use in saying otherwise. “I’ll figure it out, Ignis. I’ll try to make it right.”
Ryoken expects the Dark Ignis to shrug it off with that, or to try and insult him. In fact, he pictures about five different scenarios in which the Ignis is just a general nuisance with a point that just tries to make him feel even worse, but he never could have imagined what came next. He’s not expecting the actual words that come next.
“Don’t break his heart again.”
It makes his blood freeze in his veins while his heart goes crazy again and anxiety pools in his stomach. Break his heart again. Perhaps the Ignis wasn’t that much of an idiot, if it’s so aware that Ryoken is playing a dangerous game, juggling Yusaku’s heart in one hand and his mission on the other.
Which is more important to you? The question pops into his mind uninvited, and Ryoken frowns at it.
“How do you know I ever broke it, to begin with?” Ryoken feels the words heavy in his tongue, but it’s a question that needs answering. Those three months he was gone— even a month into this relationship, Ryoken doesn’t have the strength to ask Yusaku how he was doing for real. Not how he was doing in public, in the face of other people close to him like Kusanagi Shoichi, but by himself, all alone and after the emotional roller-coaster that was the rise and fall of the Tower of Hanoi.
“I don’t think you’re that dumb, so you must know he wasn’t doing as well as it looked,” the Ignis drops its head on his palms, or at least that’s what Ryoken thinks he’s doing. “He liked to pretend he was fine when he really wasn’t. Especially at the beginning.”
“Why?” It’s a painful question, and unnecessary— Ryoken knows why, he just needs to hear it to feel the pain he must have caused. A retaliation of sorts, not as strong as he would like, but the best he can do right now. He isn’t going to wake up Yusaku and ask him to forgive him like he has any right to ask for him to do it.
“Because you were gone.”
Something in Ryoken’s chest twists painfully, differently than it does when Yusaku looks at him with that shine of almost sheer happiness in his eyes; this pain he feels all the way to his bones and expands across his whole body like a fever. He welcomes the feeling of guilt that he’s so familiar with, and he welcomes the knot on his throat. He needs to start taking responsibility, he’s known this for a while, since he decided he wanted his last breath to be on Yusaku’s lips, but thinking or planning to do so it is different from actually doing it.
Almost unconsciously, Ryoken presses a kiss against Yusaku’s head, closing his eyes tightly. It really was too late in the night to be thinking about this kind of things, after such an exhausting day of walking all around downtown looking for bed prices, but he can’t help but think he’s at least getting something out of this. What that is, he doesn’t know, but he thinks it might be close to understanding. Understanding the Ignis? He almost wanted to laugh, but he can’t deny the Ignis cares as much as he does. If he were in its shoes, Ryoken would do the same, make sure that the person he loves isn’t going to be irreparably hurt again.
“I needed the space,” Ryoken says, and feels the words as truthful. This is something he learned from Yusaku: sometimes you just need to look at things from another perspective. It was that unwavering determination that taught him this; Ryoken could have never hoped to feel this mentally stable before meeting him again as Revolver after ten years, and then again as the ghost of himself he was on the day the Tower of Hanoi fell, and then again as a rejuvenated leader. “If I hadn’t left, I’m not sure what would have become of me. I was already at the lowest point on my life— whoever I was back then, he didn’t deserve Yusaku.”
“And you do now?”
“No,” the response is automatic and immediate. Ryoken knew that was the case the whole time, from the moment he realized his cravings weren’t exactly platonic, but he has selfishly given in to his desires anyway, to the call and beckoning of Yusaku’s arms as they extended to offer him a new future again and again and again until he accidentally found some long-desired freedom. It doesn’t take an expert to see the unbalance between them. “I have never deserved him. He shouldn’t have to settle for me.”
The Ignis, to Ryoken’s absolute horror, actually laughs at him. And it’s not a little giggle either, it’s a full blown laugh, startlingly loud in comparison to the silence of the room and their hushed voices from before. It makes Ryoken panic and aggressively shushes him, gesturing for him to be quiet when Yusaku seems to tense and stir. Oh no. He was going to strangle it.
“Hm, Ryoken?” He mumbles, barely getting his name right because of the slurring of his words, and Ryoken looks down to see his eyes still closed and his face slack with relaxation. Yusaku shifts a bit, somehow managing to get comfortable in this insult of a replacement of a bed, and just as quickly as he stirred he falls asleep again, his head landing against Ryoken’s chest and his arms tightening around him like he’s a pillow instead of another human. Ryoken almost curses out loud out of relief he didn’t actually wake up.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Ryoken hisses, wrapping his own arms tightly around Yusaku and glaring in the general direction of the Ignis. He hears some giggles and feels rage fill him until he can barely believe this is what it took to drive him up the wall completely. He really is too weak for Yusaku. “Is your coding malfunctioning today?”
“Hey! Don’t insult my coding!” The Ignis glares back at him, and Ryoken sighs, exasperated. Fuck, now he just wants to sleep. Who cares about two a.m. realizations anyways? The Ignis could die in a hole for daring to almost wake up Yusaku. “I can see you closing off! Don’t do it, we had something nice going!”
“Like hell,” Ryoken grumbles, looking at the ceiling and boiling in his anger. His father was right all along; the Ignis were a mistake. “Put yourself on sleep mode.”
“Don’t you want to know why I laughed?” There’s something strangely vulnerable about the way it says it, and Ryoken finds himself hesitating. Still, he says nothing; while what they had going was nice, good things die young. “C’mon, I’m sorry about almost waking up Yusaku-chan! I promise it won’t happen again.”
“You’re begging to be heard now?” Ryoken lets every drop of distaste pour right out of his mouth. The Ignis makes a distressed sound. “You’ve fallen low, Ignis.”
“My name’s Ai asshole!” He whines, and Ryoken risks a glance to see it standing up with its hands in the air, trying to get his attention back. A child, Ryoken thinks, horrified, it’s a child and somehow I helped make it. “Please just hear me out. I promise it’s important.”
“Just get it over with,” Ryoken grinds out from behind a clenched jaw. Yusaku is slowly but surely climbing his way atop of him, so he has limited time before he finds himself crushed by his unconscious attempts to become one with him. He has tried to talk to Yusaku about this before, but he refuses to take responsibility for his actions while asleep. Sometimes Ryoken has no idea what he got himself into at all. “I do need to eventually get some rest.”
“You don’t have to be an asshole about it,” The Ignis, Ai— Ryoken isn’t sure if he should just cave into actually calling it by a name. It feels like something he’s not ready for, and his anger at it certainly doesn’t endear him to the idea. Ryoken shoots it a warning look, and it hurries to talk before he changes his mind. “So, first off, I guess laughing was a bit rude, but you have to understand that what you said what absolutely ridiculous. More ridiculous than me, and that’s saying something!”
“You make zero sense,” Ryoken shakes his head, barely keeping himself from snapping. He will not admit he’s insulted by such a statement. Yusaku snorts and grabs at his chest, nails digging into his skin. This was getting dangerous. “Either you get to the point or leave me alone.”
“Jeez, you’re harsh,” it sits down on top of the Duel Disk, and Ryoken has to smother down part of Yusaku’s fringe to be able to see it properly. It hits him how weird this moment really is: here Ryoken is, having a conversation with what’s essentially a Solid Vision hologram that came from his boyfriend’s brain, while lying on a futon about to be crushed by said boyfriend. His life is an enigma. “I just want to tell you you’re wrong!”
The frown that he feels taking over his face must look murderous, because the Ignis whispers a yelp. It’s the weirdest thing he’s seen in his whole life, but causing fear among his lines of code feels satisfying, even if a part of him panics at where he’s trying to go with that. “About what, exactly, am I wrong? That Yusaku deserves better than a cyber-terrorist?”
“Well, when you put it like that—” The Ignis starts, but it cuts itself off with a frown. “Don’t distract me! I mean that as in, you really don’t know how much you’re doing for Yusaku just by being here.”
“Meaning?” Ryoken is tired. He really is. Yusaku won’t stop groping at him now, apparently deep in what must be quite the pleasant dream, and this nuisance is trying to make him have a change of heart he’s been struggling with for months in one night.
“He has no nightmares when you’re around.” The Ignis pauses, being hesitant yet again, and Ryoken waits. “Hell, he sleeps for more than two hours when you’re around. It’s like magic.”
There’s something muted about the way it says it, as if the thought brings back unpleasant memories. Ryoken imagines the newly escaped Ignis stalking Yusaku in his sleep for months on end as Playmaker was born and grew stronger, seeing him alone in this sad excuse of a living space having panic attacks and nightmares and slowly getting angrier and vicious. It’s a sobering thought, the confirmation that Yusaku will probably keep suffering from insomnia and PTSD for the rest of his life. That he somehow makes it better by just being there leaves him a bit short for breath, what feels like a knife in his chest twisting his heart painfully. He can’t bring himself to answer— he has no rebuttal to that, because it’s the truth. Yusaku has not had a nightmare in his presence yet, and while his insomnia is bad, it is manageable most nights.
In the face of his silence, the Ignis continues, its voice soft unlike any other time he’s heard it before. It would be almost nice, if it weren’t for how the words twist the knife even deeper inside him.
“You know, he was lonely when I met him. He had Kusanagi-san, sure, but no one to come home to. And when I got here, he was an asshole, still kind of is” the Ignis shakes its head, a strangely mournful expression twisting its face. Ryoken listens with attention, holding his breath. “He was the worse. But I learned a lot from him, and I eventually realized why that was.”
A pause. Ryoken decides to break the silence.
“A defense mechanism. I’m familiar with those.” He tries to keep any bitterness or grief from his voice, but it's too easy to picture Playmaker, fiery avenger, logging off Link VRAINS and pretending he's fine with the loneliness of his living quarters. Too easy, and far too painful. “He didn’t want to get attached.”
“Exactly! And you know, it was easier after I got that. But then, when he found you…” The Ignis’s voice shifts again, to something a bit airier, and Ryoken recognizes a feeling he was not expecting would come from it. Shame. Guilt. “When he found you, I saw him smile out of sheer happiness for the first time, and saw his resolve change. It was scary at first, and I didn’t get that until after everything was over, but we both took that away from him… by leaving him all alone.”
Ryoken's breath catches.
The quickness with which the shame fills him feels like he’s been hit by a truck or perhaps a lightning bolt, like he just got whiplashed. The guilt is always there, lurking in the back of his mind, but tonight it feels especially painful, boiling slowly until Ryoken feels like he’s choking on that too. How could have imagined that he would find something like this in common with the Dark Ignis? They both abandoned Yusaku without looking back and didn't even commit to it; Ryoken watched over so much street surveillance footage that he knows those were wasted hours of his life he will never recover, and the Ignis sounds like it did the same thing, both of them incapable to let go of Yusaku, of cutting off any and all lingering attachment.
They are both incredibly foolish and helpless, it seems. Ryoken couldn’t have expected something like this from it. Knowing the Ignis are as alive as he is and watching them display that are two very different things.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Ryoken asks, letting all his exhaustion bleed into his voice without thinking much about it. His grip on Yusaku tightens, but the absolute shame he feels only gets worse, when he takes into account how dependent he has become of his presence. ”You’re awful at pep talks, if that’s the case.”
The Ignis scoffs, recovering some of its extroverted edge. Ryoken almost mourns the loss of its softer voice. “Well, I’m not done! I’m just trying to make a point here, but you have no patience.”
“Like you’re one to talk,” Ryoken retorts, rolling his eyes. “Make your point already.”
“If you’ve been listening you know where I’m going with this!” The Ignis bends at its waist, fists on its hips like he’s trying to scold Ryoken for not lapping up its every word. Or perhaps just to be cheeky; any answer was possible. He may be overthinking this. “You make Yusaku-chan happy. Thanks to you, he’s not alone, and he’s not trapped by his past. You freed him.”
Ryoken starts to shake his head before the Ignis is even finished, swallowing and feeling like there are some things he can’t accept. Being the source of Yusaku’s happiness is one. Not because he doesn’t want to be – to the contrary; the thought makes his heart beat faster and his emotions rowdy – but because that means that if he ever comes to betray him he will have no one to blame but himself if Yusaku’s heart breaks. There’s no father around to make him put people into comas or blow up the internet, and Ryoken is not ready to hurt Yusaku again. He doesn’t want to, but he doesn’t trust himself to not do it, to not let things slip past his judgment. One misplaced word, one careless action and Ryoken knows it will be over.
“I don’t see that as a good thing—”
“Then you’re even dumber than I thought you were!” The Ignis interrupts him, but Ryoken barely has the motivation to frown at it. He’s emotionally taxed just from this conversation; his uncomfortable sleeping situation might not be a problem anymore. “I know you have some self-loathing going on, but you need to know the truth, and I’m only talking facts.”
“You’re being way too supportive of this relationship,” Ryoken sighs, and Yusaku makes a small sound that has both Ryoken and the Ignis freezing in fear. A couple of seconds pass, and then Ryoken continues. “I thought you hated me.”
“I could like you better for sure.”
Ryoken has nothing to say to that, even if part of him feels strangely flattered at it and even wants to reciprocate the feeling. He thinks about what else he could say to make the Ignis understand how his mind works, but in the end, he comes up with nothing but this:
“I don’t want to hurt him.” It’s a set of words that sits heavily on his mind every day. He doesn’t want to ever cause Yusaku any more pain again. He doesn't know what he would do with himself if it came to that. “I just… I don’t want to hurt him.”
“You already did though, and you will again,” the Ignis says, its voice solemn, so stares at it, feeling like something inside him might break. The Ignis seems to notice this, because it scrambles for an explanation. “That’s not a criticism! I just mean that well, you have already hurt him, and you probably will again. And he will hurt you too, unless you channel some of that confidence of yours and talk to him about it. That's just how relationships work.”
“Why would I talk to Yusaku about my feelings for him?” Ryoken ignores the panicked edge to his voice. Ideally, Yusaku doesn’t need to know about his internal struggle any more than he already does, and never will. Ryoken likes to pretend when they’re together that he isn’t choking in both love and fear, but after a month it’s hard to keep it up. He thought he would be able to avoid this for longer.
He fucked up on White Day, when he saw Yusaku handle himself over so easily again. When he was surrounded by his tight heat and the sound of his moans, saw the sheer need reflected in his eyes. It all made him slip up in a way he wasn’t expecting, and he ended up embarrassed and upset until Yusaku made it a point to let him know it was okay, that he felt the same, that there was nothing wrong with it except his timing. Hell, he fucked up on Valentine’s Day, when he woke up in a panic and made up some crazy plan with Spectre’s help to get Yusaku alone. He wasn’t supposed to do that.
He isn’t supposed to be cuddling him closer to his chest either, when he feels like he’s the biggest human trash on the planet, but Ryoken’s never made good life choices.
“Why wouldn’t you?” The Ignis sits down on top of the Duel Disk again, bringing a hand up to its chin and staring at him like it is trying to figure out what he’s thinking. It’s unsettling; the yellow eyes are penetrating and remind him of other pair of a similar hue, but he doesn’t want to think about him right now.
“He doesn’t need that burden,” Ryoken answers, suddenly feeling a cramp in his arm as Yusaku moves even closer, his hand grabbing his shirt sliding down dangerously close to his crotch. Ryoken stops it before it goes any further down, shifting to his side and wrapping both arms around him. Yusaku instantly reciprocates, snorting a bit and then settling down, his mouth a bit open and tempting. The Ignis watching with hawk eyes keeps him from actually kissing him. “Yusaku has enough on his plate right now. We can settle this down later.”
“That’s not a good idea! How long are you going to pretend you’re fine before you make a mistake?” Ryoken winces at that, accepting the Ignis has a point. From this position, he can see it better, but it still mostly looks like a black and yellow stain with a vaguely humanoid shape. “That’s not good for a relationship either, so either you break first or you both do. Yusaku probably already knows some of it anyways!”
“He knows a lot,” Ryoken concedes, because he’s not that dumb. “I think he knows more than I do, sometimes.”
“Then figure it out!”
Something about how straightforward the Ignis is about this makes him, very deep down, slightly amused. It also makes him thankful, as he’s not sure someone with more tact could have gotten to him like the Ignis has managed during the night. “You make it sound easy.”
“It will be. Yusaku understands, Revolver-chan.”
“And how can you be sure of that?”
“Simple,” the Ignis grins, somehow, despite having no mouth. Ryoken stares in disbelief. “Yusaku knows you better than anyone. He’s aware of who you are, and if he didn’t like that he would have already dumped you!”
Ryoken blinks. Oh.
Okay.
“You… might actually be right for once,” Ryoken admits, a bit reluctantly. He knows Yusaku isn't the type of person to waste his time in fake hopes or daydreams without a good reason— but it's hard to believe he's enough to make Yusaku take the gamble that is trusting him while they're still in a grey middle point in which alliances are more out of convenience than anything else and their hearts are compromised to not only to each other but to their own motivations. “It's more than that though—”
“I'm aware! But you seem to forget why you're even here sometimes,” the Ignis looks at him with an unwavering gaze, serious but not accusatory or aggressive. Ryoken is at least thankful for being faced with its good attitude and not blind rage at his hesitation to love Yusaku like he wants to. “There’s a million futures out there for you, Revolver-chan. You just have to find the one that makes you the happiest.”
Who would have thought, Ryoken thinks, sighing out loud, the most unhelpful AI I've met is not that dumb after all. He seems to be emotionally smarter than Ryoken himself is— not that there's much to compete against. He probably has the emotional maturity of his eight-year-old self still.
“You're wiser than people give you credit for, Ignis,” Ryoken shakes his head, ignoring the complaints about him not using its name. He's not quite ready for that yet. “Just take the compliment.”
“Get familiar with me! We're like a family now, you can't keep addressing me like that,” Ryoken just shrugs in its direction, not even trying to deny its statement. The Ignis sighs, dejected, but then looks up at him with a nervous look. “Are you going to talk to him, then?”
Ryoken thinks about it for a few seconds that eventually become minutes. Is he really going to bring up his issues to Yusaku? Is that a fair thing for him to do? The Dark Ignis has a point that relationships need communication to survive, but admitting to Yusaku he's having issues conciliating this part of his life with the other would feel like he's trying to chicken out— he isn't and he won't; Ryoken would rather be deleted by the Light Ignis than act like he regrets anything about the month he's been dating Yusaku.
It's hard. There's no other way to put it, and he's starting to develop a migraine from all of this. He really needs to sleep.
“Maybe I will, Ignis,” Ryoken says in the end, closing his eyes when he feels Yusaku shifting in an attempt to get even closer to him, his arms tightening around him. The Ignis makes a nose of displeasure. “I can't just… come to a decision right now. But thank you.”
The Ignis blinks at him, and Ryoken feels like a quiet understanding goes through them, like they both are silently reaching an agreement. It's almost nice, pleasant even, to be this civil with it.
“No problem, gun boy,” it winks, doing some finger guns, and Ryoken groans quietly in exasperation. The Ignis just giggles. “Wanna hear embarrassing stories about Yusaku? There are quite a few!”
Ryoken is extremely tempted to say yes, because he would absolutely love that, but Yusaku shifting and accidentally hitting jamming his elbow into his side convinces him to just go to bed. He's exhausted anyway. “Perhaps another day. Go off now, I want to catch some sleep.”
It makes a disappointed sound, but there are, surprisingly, no more complains.
“Don't forget my words!” The Ignis stands straight on the Duel Disk, salutes him, and then slowly sinks into the screen until it disappears, the light from the disk going off. He waits for a few seconds, totally expecting it to show up again to get one last word it, but as the minutes pass and the silence remains, Ryoken determines he's finally gone to sleep, whatever that may mean for an AI.
He shifts around a bit, relaxing further into the futon and bringing Yusaku’s head to rest more comfortably against the pillows, but as he’s combing a hand through his hair to make it settle down better so he can avoid choking on it in his sleep, he notices that his usually slack face looks a bit tense, the corners of his mouth not as relaxed as usual. His breathing pattern is different as well, and Ryoken stares at his closed eyes, hand resting against his cheek, for a few seconds before he’s forced to acknowledge the situation.
Yusaku is awake.
“Honestly, Fujiki,” Ryoken says, his voice as full of fondness as it is of dread. Yusaku’s mouth twitches, so Ryoken runs his thumb against his bottom lip in quiet appreciation. “You could have fooled me. Eavesdropping like this is not like you.”
Yusaku does not answer, still pretending with all his might that he’s deep asleep, so Ryoken takes the logical step and slips his hand underneath his shirt, pressing his fingers against his ribs and tickling. Yusaku arches away from the touch immediately, a sound of alarm leaving his lips, so Ryoken follows and tickles him even harder until Yusaku very nearly slips from the futon onto the floor, taking the sheets with him and tangling his legs on them.
Ryoken pulls him back in by grabbing his knees, sitting up to keep him from moving any further away. Yusaku’s eyes are open now and he’s pouting which, paired with the sleep clinging to his face and making it puffy, serves to make Ryoken’s heart melt and the ridiculous need to kiss him take over him. In the end, he manages to pull Yusaku into his lap, his legs wrapped around him, and Ryoken makes sure to hold him close to keep him from escaping his hold. Yusaku grunts at the kiss he lays on his nose.
“Let go of me,” Yusaku whines, which pretty much confirms he’s still only half awake. But Yusaku doesn’t need to be fully aware to process a simple conversation between him and the Dark Ignis. Ryoken has no doubt he has some thoughts about it, even if he perhaps didn’t listen to the whole thing. “I hate it when you tickle me.”
“No, you hate it when I make you laugh out loud because it embarrasses you,” Ryoken corrects, and is rewarded with the sight of sleepy Yusaku pouting even harder at him and squinting, probably trying to keep a blush down. He wishes he could just lay him down so they could both fall asleep, but he needs to know how bad the damage is. Ryoken hesitates, though, words catching in his throat before he dares to speak them, his shoulders tense. “How long have you been awake for?”
Yusaku looks away for a second, gazing at the wet spot on his pillow in silence, a little frown wrinkling his eyebrows. “I was confused at first because Ai said you had a nice thing going. I thought I was dreaming,” a pause, and then Yusaku meets his eyes again. “You never have anything nice going on with Ai.”
Ryoken almost scoffs. “Our conversation could hardly be called nice.”
“Are you sure about that?” Yusaku tilts his head, a bit bird-like, and something about it makes Ryoken a bit anxious, his eyes looking as vibrant as always but full of questions he’s perhaps irrationally scared of. He wants to believe the fear is justified, but he was trouble believing even that. “You were being honest.”
“I try to be,” Ryoken nods, and Yusaku brings a hand up to tangle in his hair, pressing their foreheads together and closing his eyes. Ryoken stares at his eyelashes. “Your Ignis is insistent as well, so I was left no choice.”
At that, Yusaku snorts, shaking his head. Ryoken’s heart flutters. “You talk like he doesn’t take after you as well.”
“Don’t be silly,” Ryoken ignores the fact that Yusaku couldn’t be more right, even without knowing everything he does. That’s not a can of worms he wants to open right now. His next words feel almost like a lie, even though he’s not sure of the facts himself. “It’s all you.”
Yusaku leans back, opening his eyes, and his expression shifts, his mouth curling downwards. Ryoken swallows. “I wish you would speak with me about those things, Ryoken.”
His heart is hammering in his chest. It almost always is, around Yusaku, but this is a different kind of adrenaline filling his body. This is not coming completely from how cute he looks in the moonlight, how he wants to reach out and rub his eyes and face to get rid of the remnants of sleep for him, of how wonderful it is to be able to touch him at all. It comes from the fear that threatens to make him mess everything up every day, from the guilt he feels at how easy it is to take the love that Yusaku offers him with barely any hesitation.
“I’m too much of a coward for that,” Ryoken says, his voice as grim as he feels, and a familiar look of fury flashes across Yusaku’s eyes. He’s far more used to seeing it on Playmaker; he finds that Yusaku wears it just as well, if not better. “You know I am. You know I’m scared and—”
“It’s fine to be,” Yusaku interrupts, his voice as fierce as it is when he’s about to beat someone’s ass in a duel, and Ryoken feels appropriately chastised by the tone. Yusaku wraps an arm around his neck while his other hand drifts down to grab at the neck of his shirt, pulling on it like he wants to shake some sense into him. Ryoken would let him. “You know I’m not asking for you to just… drop everything you believe in. I’m never going to do that. I only want you to be the best version of yourself, and I’ll like him just as much as I like you. That will never change. It’s fine to be scared of the future, Ryoken.”
Some emotion he does not want to name rises in his throat from his chest, and Ryoken has to look away, to stare at Yusaku’s neck instead of the steady honesty of his eyes. Perhaps this is all he’s ever wanted to hear, that his fear is natural and not some side effect of his messed up intimacy issues, but the guilt remains, as it always does, a little voice in the back of his mind pointing fingers at him that being this scared of Yusaku offering him an out from the pit he’s been a prisoner inside of his whole life.
But Yusaku doesn’t lie and doesn’t trick people, at least not with things like this. Yusaku knows what is like to look in the mirror and see nothing but the shell of a person looking to accomplish one impossible task. Ryoken never allows himself to forget that Yusaku was once as lost as he is right now, the knowledge burned into his brain and fueling all the self-loathing he has because of the mistakes he made as an eight-year-old, bringing a stranger into his home.
But he could probably do well in remembering Yusaku moved on. That he was probably scared, too, but alone, and walked forwards all the same.
“I’m sorry,” Ryoken whispers, burying his face in Yusaku’s neck and letting his shoulders slump. He’s so tired, and there’s something raw about his words, his voice sounding choked up even to his own ears. He is not crying, because he’s not there yet, not quite, and he’s never been one to show his feelings so openly— but it wouldn’t take much to get him there. His arms wrap even tighter around Yusaku. “I want to be better for you. I’m sorry.”
Yusaku pulls him closer and presses a kiss over the top of his head, leaning his cheek against it afterward and bringing the hand on his shirt up to run his fingers soothingly over his hair. Ryoken shivers at the easy affection, but he lets himself not overthink it, for once.
“You’ll get there, alright?” Yusaku whispers, and Ryoken nods, taking a deep breath. “I’ll be right there with you.”
It’s ridiculously easy then, much like it always is, to let Yusaku guide his face back up to kiss him. Ryoken melts into it, opening his mouth and letting Yusaku’s tongue graze against his lips, shaking at the contact. Yusaku pushes him down until he’s laying down again, a bit to the left of the center of the futon, their mouths still connected. Ryoken’s hands drift to his hips when Yusaku starts to trail the kisses down his neck, gripping tightly and just enjoying the feeling, his eyelids feeling heavy and sleep threatening to take over him.
Suddenly, though, Yusaku grinds his hips against him, eliciting a groan out of him, but he’s way too tired for that right now, so he sits up, grabbing his thighs and turning them around so he has Yusaku squished underneath him, their positions reversed. He catches the excitement flashing in Yusaku’s eyes and can’t help but chuckle, kissing him and slipping his tongue inside his mouth swiftly, being perhaps a bit more rough about it that he needs to, but pulls away after a few dangerous seconds in which his apparently very horny boyfriend tries to get one hand inside his pants while the other fondles at his chest.
“Sorry, perhaps in the morning,” Ryoken mumbles, kissing Yusaku’s neck and then just burying his face in it, blinking to keep himself awake enough to explain himself. Yusaku sighs a bit dejectedly, but that just pulls another chuckle out of Ryoken. “You got some sleep while I was harassed by the child you brought into your home. Deal with it.”
“Fine,” Yusaku grumbles, so Ryoken tickles him again. He gets a slap on the shoulder for his trouble, but the little wheeze Yusaku made was worth it. He would pay to hear him laugh without hesitation. “Can I give you a blowjob in the morning?”
Despite himself, Ryoken feels a bit of excitement at the idea, even as he yawns out his words. “We can do whatever you want… tomorrow.”
After that, it’s a bit hard to tell exactly what Yusaku says, but he thinks it’s related to their lack of bed and him being too heavy so he should move. It’s too late though; Ryoken falls asleep the fastest he’s ever done so in his life, and sleeps soundly until nine a.m. when he wakes up to the sight of Yusaku’s mouth dropped open and the steady sounds of his heartbeat against his ear where his head is pressed against his chest.
He stares for too long to be polite, and can’t help but reach out to outline the edge of his bottom lip lovingly, a bit hypnotized. He’s about to lean up to drop a kiss on his forehead before starting the day when he gets rudely interrupted by the sound of the Duel Disk turning on and the Dark Ignis poking his head out to scream at him.
“Good morning, Revolver-chan!” The Ignis says, the sound immediately making him frown. It’s too early for this. “Ah, I see you’re back at being an asshole. It was nice while it lasted.”
“Do you mind?” Ryoken shakes his head and glares, but the Ignis remains unaffected. “I’d like to have a nice morning, not a loud one. Come back in two hours.”
“Two hours!? That sounds like you’re gonna try to have your way with Yusaku-chan!”
At that, Ryoken smirks, and then shamelessly sits up to run a hand all over Yusaku’s chest, stopping dangerously close to the edge of his pants and running his fingers teasingly over the patch of pale skin available from where his shirt rode up, feeling Yusaku’s legs twitch underneath him. The Ignis shrieks in alarm, retreating a bit into the Duel Disk, but shakes a fist at him with a frown.
“You’re a pervert!” It claims, so Ryoken shrugs. He sneaks a glance at Yusaku just in time to catch him closing his eyes hurriedly, and can’t help but grin as he reaches over to grab the Duel Disk. “Hey! Put me down, you shameless beast!”
“Good night,” Ryoken says in his best Revolver voice, and the Ignis weeps much more dramatically than it needs to. Hovering a finger over the off bottom, Ryoken raises an eyebrow at it, trying to convey a thousand words with one look. “Thank you for the advice, Ai.”
It’s extremely satisfying to watch the Ignis’ face morph into plain shock right before he turns off the device and puts it as far away as possible from the futon. Nothing would happen to the Ignis with the Duel Disk off thanks to his protection program, which he’s really glad he developed to act that way now. Yusaku is immediately on him, pulling him down to kiss him silly, and Ryoken smiles through the whole thing, lighter than he’s felt in years. The way Yusaku enthusiastically takes his shirt off of him and runs his hands over his chest is amusing, but it’s not long before he stops thinking much about anything and just tries to make this morning as enjoyable as possible before they get back into the bed hunting for the rest of the day.
I’ll be fine, he thinks, and hopes it won’t become a lie.