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namjoon already knew it was one of those days before he even opened his eyes. there were no obvious signs, as jimin had warned, just a feeling in the pit of his stomach.
he allowed his eyelids to slowly open, seeing that he had only one minute to go before his alarm went off. he turned to jimin, seeing that rather clutching onto his side, face buried into his chest, like he usually was in the mornings, he was lying across the bed with his back to him. he was curled up in a small ball, looking as if he was about to fall off the side of the bed. that was the first sign.
namjoon reached and turned his alarm off before it had the chance to go off. he had heard jimin get up several times in the night to do whatever he did when he couldn't sleep. he had told namjoon to stop going after him after a while, and namjoon trusted him to let him know when he wanted him to join him in being awake, as he often did. two tugs on his left sleeve was the signal, or, if he was shirtless, two taps on his left cheek. namjoon was a rather heavy sleeper, but these two sensations jerked him into immediate attention. he knew he couldn't do much, he just needed to do what he could.
he stretched silently, slipping out of bed and making sure the covers didn't expose jimin's bare back.
he had taken his shirt off in the middle of the night. that was another sign.
namjoon knew he would get cold again when he woke up, so he crossed quietly over to the wardrobe, picking up jimin's discarded clothes from yesterday, placing them gently in the washing basket. he knew if he didn't jimin would either remain shirtless and cold, or wear the same dirty clothes. he shuffled through the curtains of material hanging in the wardrobe, trying to be quieter as he heard jimin shift. he pulled a grey hooded sweatshirt down from the hangers, realising once it was in his hands that it was his not jimin's. this was a mistake he had made countless times as the owned the same one, often wondering why he couldn't pull the material of one over his shoulders before remembering the other.
he placed the hoodie on the chair in the corner of the room along with a clean pair of sweatpants before getting dressed himself.
he only worked a few days a week, though unfortunately, this was one of them. jimin had begun to work from home since he had gotten worse, claiming to find it easier to concentrate in a familiar place. namjoon knew this wasn't necessarily true, as jimin had often called him after work, asking him to pick him up from the local library where he had been writing and researching. sometimes he couldn't bring himself to do it however, instead lying on his back in bed, feeling guilty about what he had not done that day.
namjoon paused as he went over to the door, going back over to the bed and gently pulling jimin into the middle so that he wouldn't roll off and hurt himself. namjoon heard a sharp inhale of surprise as he did so, seeing a small twitch behind jimin's closed eyes. he was awake.
it hurt, but namjoon couldn't stay long given the unpredictable traffic. he reached down to where jimin's hand was curled into a small fist beneath the covers, taking it gently in his own.
jimin kept still with his eyes closed, though namjoon felt his fingers slowly stretch out and wrap around his own, giving them a small squeeze to tell him that he was ok to leave.
namjoon always felt guilty when he left at times like these. he had left jimin a two litre bottle of fresh water and a list of healthy delivery food options if he couldn't bring himself to cook, but he still didn't feel like it was enough. it wasn't jimin's fault, nor was it his or anyone's for that matter.
jimin had told him this countless times, it was just the way it is, and namjoon was not responsible for making everything better. that was the job of the psychiatrists and medication. and namjoon could see the positive effects of these after a while, though several medication attempts hollowed out jimin until he was a mere shell until the right ones kicked in.
he was getting better, slowly.
the sky outside was light blue with a few tufts of cloud here or there, not stopping the warm sun from bathing the world in golden light. namjoon hoped that would lift jimin's spirits slightly so he was like he was yesterday.
he was told not to worry, but he always did.
----
namjoon wasn't quite sure what to expect when jimin texted him to come to his house at 3 p.m. on a tuesday. he expected the worst, they'd only been dating for about two months at best and nothing was yet confirmed as serious. he thought it had been going well, but maybe his snoring annoyed jimin, maybe that was why jimin didn't like staying over at his. or maybe he was mad because he had spilled water all over a cardboard box hidden under papers on his kitchen table. maybe that was why jimin didn't answer his texts for hours on end.
so far, he liked jimin a lot. he was bright, sweet and funny, with a cute laugh that made his eyes form crescent shapes. it would really suck if jimin broke up with him considering how long he had taken to pluck up the courage to ask him out in the first place.
he braced himself as he knocked on jimin's front door, feeling a nervous blush rise to his cheeks as the door opened, revealing jimin's small face. he looked just as nervous as namjoon, making him feel worse.
"hi," jimin seemed to find it in him to smile, opening the door wider, "come in."
namjoon noticed jimin's hair, seeing that he had topped up his black roots. blond strands fell over his forehead where his eyebrows were lightly furrowed. namjoon's eyes travelled down further, seeing his small hands crushing his sweater sleeves in fists.
"you look nervous," namjoon laughed worriedly, taking off his shoes and bending down to press a kiss to jimin's cheek.
the skin was warm under his lips, tinting red.
jimin tried to stand up straighter, spotting the slight worry behind namjoon's eyes and his equally uncertain posture.
"so do you."
"what's wrong?"
jimin only took namjoon's hand, leading him into the kitchen.
namjoon sat down at the table nervously, feeling a knot in his stomach. jimin had gone to his desk in the corner of the room, the same one namjoon had spilt water on a few days ago. he took out some pieces of paper and a small cardboard box with curled edges. namjoon guess that was the one that had gotten wet.
jimin then sat in front of him timidly, pushing the paper and box into the centre of the table.
namjoon's eyes scanned over them, an eyebrow raised, before looking back to him.
"what are these?"
jimin's face had gone red, namjoon feeling a small surge of panic.
"jimin?"
"i think we need to talk about something."
oh god.
namjoon felt his stomach clench. here it comes, he knew it.
"o-ok," namjoon cleared his throat, trying to seem collected as embarrassment rose up his throat, "go ahead."
jimin coughed, shaking his head as he prepared to begin.
"things have been getting more serious lately," his voice was small as he looked down at the table, playing with his fingers, "and i'm happy about that. but... i feel that in order to continue this... i have to tell you about something."
namjoon felt a wave of relief, but it was soon replaced by worry again. jimin didn't want to break up with him, but what did he want?
"i want to give you the option," jimin's cheeks were still red and his eyes had grown shiny, worrying his boyfriend further, "i understand if what i tell you is too much. but i need to explain myself."
namjoon bit his lip uncertainly, but he reached forward and took one of jimin's cold hands, squeezing lightly.
"tell me, it's ok."
jimin sighed shakily, clutching namjoon's hand before handing him the small cardboard box. it was medication, but namjoon didn't know what for.
jimin watched his boyfriend stare at the packaging for a few seconds before speaking again.
"they are antidepressants."
namjoon looked up, trying not to seem shocked, though his eyes gave it away.
jimin took the box back gently, placing it into his pocket.
"i thought i should tell you... you were going to find out at some point anyway."
"why didn't you tell me earlier? it's nothing to be ashamed of, baby," namjoon took jimin's hands in his again, running his large thumbs over his knuckles.
"i'm not ashamed of it..." jimin shrugged, "it's hard to explain to people, even if they want to know and understand. i have routines and i do certain things that other people don't do. i'm not ashamed i just... don't want people to worry about me especially when they don't understand."
"make me understand," namjoon's eyes were earnest, "tell me what i need to know."
jimin opened his mouth, but soon closed it again, unsure what to say.
namjoon saw this and nodded.
"how does it make you feel? sad?"
"sometimes, but it's like a different kind of sad," jimin struggled to find the right words, "it makes you feel a lot of things. sometimes i'm angry and i hit things, i hit myself and i break things. sometimes it's nothing, but the bad kind of nothing. it's a feeling at the very bottom of your stomach that feels like its moving very slowly to your chest. and it weighs you down so that you can't get out of bed. then you just lie there, wishing that this life isn't yours and only thinking about how you feel nothing. that's what it's like most of the time. you can pretend that you're doing ok sometimes, but the feeling in your stomach grows heavier to let you know that it's still there. and then you can't talk to people, you see they have messaged you, but you can't bring yourself to reply."
jimin paused, looking up at namjoon uncertainly. he was still watching jimin, grasping his hands as he listened to every word.
"sometimes you are just sad," he continued, "but the reason why it is different is because you don't know why. you're sad and scared, but you don't know why. you get small pains in your arms and legs too, and your stomach. people who tell you the only symptoms are mental lie.
namjoon nodded, his earnest facial expression unchanged.
"what do you do to make yourself feel better."
"i can't always... some days it's too much. it's not that i don't want to... you know. i just want to live a different life or my old life. so i just sleep. but to distract myself i go on to the balcony and look at the sky or i play happy music. cliche things..."
"if they work they work," namjoon chuckled despite the situation, earning a small smile from jimin.
"yeah," he giggled sadly, "before, when i was worse and i used to... well. i chopped carrots whenever i felt like i needed to like... do something."
his smile faded again as he looked back up to namjoon.
"i'm not asking for pity or for you to help or cure me. i'm not asking for anything," jimin spoke slowly, his voice quiet once more, "i just needed you to know before this went any further. i know it's a lot for a new relationship, but it's better sooner rather than later."
he sniffed before speaking again.
"you get an unbearable urge to tell someone. but you don't know how to."
namjoon did say anything, only standing up and going around the table to where jimin was sitting. he pulled jimin up into a tight hug, placing him so that he was sitting on the table, his face buried in namjoon's neck.
"i understand, don't worry," namjoon sighed, lacing his fingers through soft, blond hair, "i'm not going to judge any of the things that you do or say. you can't help the way that you feel, i would never leave you over something like that."
jimin leant his cheek on namjoon's shoulder, rubbing his back slowly.
"you just have to be aware that some days i won't be able to get up or get dressed or shower. some days i won't talk to you, i'll get mad for no reason or i'll cry. or i'll just lie there. none of it will be your fault." he mumbled, his cheek slightly squashed, "and you don't need to feel guilty on days you can't make me feel better."
jimin felt a chin rest on his hair.
"i understand."
"and," jimin pulled away with a little smile, placing his hands against namjoon's chest so he could feel the slight beat of his heart beneath his palm, "you have to know that i won't be like that everyday. many days i am ok or i can handle it well. the days may start off bad and end good. there are good days and bad days, and even though not every day is a good day, not every day is a bad day either."
-----
namjoon smiled when he saw the empty bottle of water on the kitchen table with jimin's pillbox and a dirty plate when he arrived home that evening. he shrugged off his bag and kicked off his shoes before going into the bedroom, seeing jimin sat up in bed watching a movie on his laptop. he had changed into the clothes namjoon had left for him, the grey hood pulled over his now black hair.
he looked up as namjoon entered the room, closing the laptop and holding out his arms. namjoon chuckled, tugging off his jacket and sliding under covers next to jimin. he wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him into his side, tilting up his chin and pressing a kiss to his lips.
"hey, honey," namjoon pulled the covers further over his legs, "why the hug? are you ok?"
"i'm ok," jimin yawned with a small smile, "it's just cold."
"how was your day?"
"it was a two this morning."
"oh, i'm sorry, baby. i meant to text you but i had to have an emergency meeting."
"no no, it's ok," jimin squeezed his hand reassuringly, "i had a shower and i went out because i wanted to last time but i couldn't. it was only to the park but it was nice. now it's like a six or a seven. maybe even eight."
"eight!" namjoon couldn't help but smile proudly, rubbing jimin's stomach with his spare hand, "that's way better than last time."
"i told you," jimin sighed contentedly, "bad days only last so long."
jimin had always been an optimist. maybe that's what namjoon admired most about him, the fact that he could see the good in what he could. jimin had told namjoon that he had learnt that what he was feeling was only temporary. he had learnt that the hard way when he was deemed 'better' by the doctor, only to be re diagnosed a few months later. despite his heartbreak at his loss of progress however, he eventually took it to mean that if he could get out of it once, he could do it again, even if it meant starting from scratch.
and from what namjoon could see in the year and a half of them being together, in jimin's case this was true.