Chapter Text
Jihoon is standing on the edge of the rooftop, his face feeling the cold breeze from the top of the hospital. The hospital he’s grown to hate. The hospital he never wants to see ever again.
Hospitals signify hope, others say. But for Jihoon, why does everything... it seems like everything shatter the moment he set his foot on this damned place.
[Four months ago...]
“Mrs.Lee, your son has cancer. Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Stage 3," the doctor looked at the old lady with her son, intently. He looks like he's used to saying this kind of thing on a daily basis. He doesn't even flinch when he told the persons in front of him the worst news anyone could receive.
Cancer.
Stage 3.
Jihoon’s mother held her son's hand tightly. He felt his mother's hand, shaking. This is the first time Jihoon saw his mother like this. He didn't even see her like this when his Dad left. Mrs. Lee leaned on her son’s shoulder with tears streaming down her face. She hesitantly held her son like the latter is a glass that could break any moment.
Much to her surprise, when she looked at Jihoon, the boy's face remained expressionless.
Jihoon hates it...
He knew his life has always been dull and a bit repetitive but he never complains about it. If anything, he's the type of guy who likes to go with the flow than taking risks. He's always been contented with the life that he has. Even if it just revolves around music and studying, he doesn't mind. Fuck dramatic plot twists... Not all life requires those sudden twists and turns in life.
Right now, Jihoon received the biggest plot twist in his life.
“You don’t have to worry. The prognosis for his case is quite high and there is a lot of treatment for this. He can undergo chemotherapy and radiation therapy. He’ll be fine, Mrs. Lee.” The doctor put his hand on Jihoon’s other shoulder and smiled weakly at him.
That, however, didn’t calm Jihoon’s heart. Not even the slightest.
Jihoon fought back the urge to scream and punch the walls. Outside, he might look like he's numb and all but inside, he's raging. He wanted to shout at the doctor’s face and tell him to take back his diagnosis. But no words seem to come out from his lips. He just remained silent and frozen. His mom, still shaking while hugging his shoulders.
It’s cancer.
It’s fucking cancer.
“Please, calm down. Don’t be scared. We have several treatments for cancer nowadays and the survival rates are high.” The doctor assured them. "Everything will be fine."
The boy just clenched his fists. How can this doctor just expect them to calm down after breaking such horrible news to them?
Why do people who don't even experience the actual pain dare say everything will be fine?
Jihoon has to quit schooling. He’s three semesters away from graduating college when he felt those sharp pain in his stomach. He wanted to shrug it off, thinking it's just ulcer or any light stomach ailment until it became a pain that wouldn't let him sleep at night. A few days after, a lump also appeared on his neck.
He started getting chills every night. Add the fact that he’s losing weight all of a sudden.
He can endure all of it. Jihoon has always been someone who doesn't want to worry the person he cherishes. He tried to keep it to himself. He can endure the pain, he's Lee Jihoon. But when his voice started getting hoarse, that's when he felt the most miserable.
Jihoon is a music major. He is a promising student, famous for his compositions and his vocal skills. He's one of those students with God-given talent that everyone predicts will have a bright future after graduation.
His voice is everything to him.
So, when he felt that sharp pain in his throat from too much coughing, he just felt like his world came crashing down. He felt like the whole world turned its back on him.
He has cancer. It's at stage 3. He might not be able to use his voice again and he has to quit school for the treatments. Quitting school is one thing but what hurts more is the people giving him looks of pity. It makes him feel worse than he already is.
Just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse than that, his hands suddenly felt numb with all the medicine that enters his body during his chemotherapy sessions.
“Dr. Choi, I can’t move my hand properly.” He complained to his oncologist after his eighth chemo session. He might not be able to sing but he still made it work by still writing music at home. He loves music too much. And when Jihoon loves something, he'd do anything just to be able to do it. But it seems like cancer is the biggest antagonist in his life as he continued to take everything away from him.
“Jihoon, your veins reacted negatively to the meds that flowed through your body. Please refrain from using your musical instruments for the meantime to avoid stressing your veins more.” Dr. Choi advised him.
That is Jihoon’s breaking point.
He can’t use his voice. Now, he can’t use his hand to play instruments.
Life is so unfair. Heaven is so unfair. Why him? He repeatedly asked himself. He is nothing but a good son to his mother. He couldn't remember doing something that would make him deserve all of these. He could never understand. No, he would never understand.
Why did this fucking cancer choose him?
Lee Jihoon has had enough. He can’t take it anymore. He just wants everything to...stop.
Jihoon told his mom he’s going to get some fresh air and sneaked into the hospital's rooftop. He finished writing his mom a letter of apology.
Now, he’s standing on the edge of this shitty hospital. He looked down and gulped when he saw how high the building is. Cold wind seeped into his skin as if telling him how cold and cruel this world is. Down there, he saw many people coming in and out of the hospital. He even saw a little boy going out, holding his mom's hand on his right and holding a lollipop on his other. It might be one of those lollipops doctors give their nice patients, Jihoon figured. He envied the way the little boy is smiling hugely at his mom, happily exiting the building like it's full of rainbows and unicorns again.
Jihoon...wants that, too.
“No, Jihoon. You have to do this. You don’t have to suffer anymore. Your mom won’t have to suffer anymore.” Jihoon exhaled then closed his eyes.
Life has been nothing but shit to him. He has to end this now.
Jihoon breathed heavily as he prepared himself to do what he knows will end all of his sufferings when he heard someone scream and he felt strong limbs pulling him away from the rooftop edge making them both land on the cold, cement floor.
“What do you think you’re doing?!” The unfamiliar voice snapped at him, voice both alarmed and scared.
Jihoon tried squirming back to the edge but he felt the unknown person’s arms around his waist this time.
“Who the fuck are you?” Jihoon finally spoke, tears streaming down his face uncontrollably. He hates it. He hates everything.
“Please...please, don’t do this.” The guy pleaded. Jihoon's mind is hazy yet why does this stranger's voice sound more desperate than he is?
Jihoon tried removing the guy’s arms wrapped around his waist. “Shut up! You don’t know me and you don’t know how I feel.” Jihoon shouted. He's tired of people looking at him, eyes full of pity. He's tired of the doctor telling him that everything will be fine when it's not really getting any better. He's tired of watching his mom cry silently inside her room, trying to not make any sound even if her chest hurts from it. Jihoon is tired...of chasing the sunrise when he knew the sun is already setting for him.
The guy didn’t answer. Jihoon knew it. People like him, just like his doctor...it’s easy for them to say things when they don’t even feel the way they do. 'Everything will be fine.' is an empty word for Jihoon unless it came from someone who knows exactly what he's going through.
“You don’t have a fucking cancer. So shut up, let me go, let me end this suffering.” Jihoon said, almost in a whisper, pleading. Pleading the stranger who's holding him to let him go. He expected the guy to remove his arms on his waist but he was surprised when the guy's hold on him only got tighter.
His reply is something Jihoon didn’t expect, too.
“But I have it too,” the guy answered softly.
Jihoon didn't know why but he felt like he saw a light when he heard what the stranger said. He stopped trying to move out of the guy’s hold, lips quivering from too much crying. “W-What?”
The guy cleared his throat. “No, let me correct that. I had it too. I’m a survivor now. So, don’t do this, please. There’s still hope.”
Hope.
Jihoon almost didn’t want to believe in that single word. Hope sounds like something...so far away, something out of Jihoon's grasp. But the way this stranger said it, it makes him want to believe it. For the first time since Jihoon was told that he has cancer, he wanted to believe it. He wanted to believe, there’s...hope.
The man loosened his arms around his waist and went in front of him to wipe Jihoon's tears. When Jihoon's vision isn't clouded by his tears anymore, he saw the guy with slanted eyes and bunched up cheeks, staring at him.
Light. He could see light inside his eyes. It's like...seeing the sunrise for the first time.
Is it really...hope?
The stranger looked straight in his eyes then gave Jihoon a smile.
“Don’t do this, please. This is not the answer.”
💉💛💊