Archive of Our Own

16

In hindsight, Jeno should’ve known he was a hopeless case about a year earlier. But, as Donghyuck had told him multiple times, he could be kind of dense. Which was why he didn’t realise he had been in love with Donghyuck until nearly a year after it happened.

They were both sixteen, Donghyuck a few months younger than Jeno. They had been best friends for approximately six years, and Jeno didn’t have many other friends. Just Donghyuck, really. Hyuck had come out to him when they were fourteen, confessing to Jeno that he liked boys, and a year later Jeno followed after discovering he liked both girls and boys.

Jeno was in no way able to confess his feelings to Donghyuck. Absolutely never. Not only because they were friends, also just because Hyuck didn’t like Jeno like that. At all.

“You’re daydreaming again,” Donghyuck said beside him, elbowing him in his side. Jeno hissed, and threw out his arm to get back at him. It barely touched Donghyuck, but he was too distracted to feel sad about it.

“I wasn’t,” he hissed back, aware they were still in class and that their teacher didn’t like it much when people talked over him.

“Yes you were, you weren’t even listening to me,” Donghyuck hissed back with a smile, and Jeno had to look away.

“Just tell me during lunch break,” Jeno whispered back and crossed his arms resolutely, turning his attention back on the teacher. Luckily he hadn’t noticed their whispering fest. Or he just hadn’t said anything about it.

When the bell rang, indicating that it was finally time for their lunch break, Donghyuck was immediately up and out of his seat. Before Jeno could even get up properly, Donghyuck already had his hands tightly gripping Jeno’s arm and was pulling him out of the classroom. Jeno just laughed to himself and let Donghyuck pull him along.

A few minutes later, they were outside, and Donghyuck pulled him down on an empty bench and sat next to him. Then, he pulled his feet up on the bench, and excitedly turned to Jeno.

“Will you listen to me now?” he asked, and when Jeno nodded he smiled widely. “So,” he continued conspiratorially, scooting closer to Jeno’s side of the bench. Jeno forced himself to not move backwards. “There’s this upperclassman,” Donghyuck said, and the look in his eyes made Jeno’s heart drop in his chest. “His name is Mark, and he’s a transfer student from Canada. Do you know him?”

Jeno shook his head. He was afraid he already knew where this was leading, and he wasn’t prepared. He was okay with Donghyuck not liking him back, but…

“He looks really dumb, but he’s so cute! I talked to him in the hallways a few times already. Do you think I should ask him out?”

He wasn’t prepared for Donghyuck liking someone else.

He realised Donghyuck was waiting for an answer, and he tried to not let his disappointment show too much. He couldn’t confess, so he’d just keep it in. He had to. They were young. He’d get over it, someday. Maybe.

“Is he also… you know, gay?” Jeno asked, the last word nearly a whisper. He and Donghyuck knew each others sexualities, but he was still cautious. He was sure many other kids at school wouldn’t be as accepting.

Donghyuck shrugged and smiled. “Who knows? If he isn’t, then he can just reject me. That’s fine.”

Jeno wasn’t convinced. “But… what if he’s against it and spreads it?” He didn’t want Donghyuck to get negative reactions from their classmates, and he didn’t know what kind of person this Mark was. What if he was homophobic, and told everyone else? They would be ruined.

“I’m sure he won’t,” Donghyuck responded airily, “he seems like a good guy. I think I’ll try when I see him again.”

Jeno didn’t hear about Mark again for the next few days, and he hoped Donghyuck had let the idea go. He was more worried about Mark telling everyone than Donghyuck being in a relationship with someone else, at this point, and he hoped Mark would accept Donghyuck, if only to keep his friend safe.

The next week, Jeno didn’t hear about him either, until Donghyuck came running at him at the end of lunch break on Thursday. He only stopped when he was about to crash into Jeno, and almost instinctively, Jeno reached out to catch Donghyuck. The other took this as an invitation for a hug, and squeezed Jeno tight for a few seconds. (Jeno hoped he couldn’t feel his furiously speeding up heartbeat.)

“He said yes!” was the first thing Donghyuck said, and Jeno’s heart plummeted. He forced a happy smile onto his face and congratulated Donghyuck, but his stomach felt heavier than ever before.

Donghyuck was going on a date with someone else, someone Jeno didn’t even know. Someone who wasn’t Jeno. He had to be happy for Donghyuck and support him, but… Was this what heartbreak felt like? He had to try, though. For Hyuck.

The next week Donghyuck had his date, and he came over to Jeno’s place to get ready. Jeno could only watch as Donghyuck applied some light brown coloured eyeshadow, and all his brain kept repeating was “pretty, pretty, pretty”.

An hour later, the doorbell rang, and Jeno rushed to get it before Donghyuck could. On the other side stood a boy Jeno vaguely recognized. He had probably seen the other somewhere in the hallway before, which was also how Donghyuck met him.

“I'm assuming you're Mark?” Jeno asked, trying to appear threatening. “Hyuck is almost ready.”

“I am,” Mark responded, looking nervous to Jeno's satisfaction. “I, um… I'll wait here?”

“Come in and wait in the hallway,” Jeno said curtly, opening the door a bit further. When Mark tried to pass him, Jeno stuck out a hand to stop him. “You better take good care of him,” he said, and Mark's eyes grew as wide as saucers. He frantically nodded, and soon Donghyuck was downstairs. Jeno watched with a heavy heart as Mark smiled at a blushing Donghyuck, and closed the door behind them.

When he was sure they were gone, he let his forehead fall against the door and sighed deeply. This was not at all what he'd wanted, but he had to admit this was also partly his fault. He doubted Donghyuck would go out with him if he had confessed, but Jeno hadn't said anything. He hadn't even tried. This was all on him.

That of course didn't mean it hurt any less.

Mark and Donghyuck went on another date, and Jeno could see Donghyuck really liked him. Every time he started a conversation about Mark, Jeno reminded himself to stay positive, to be happy for Hyuck, to support their dates and whatever it would grow into in the future. It was hard, but seeing Donghyuck happy made it easier.

They went on a third date, and Jeno saw them off at the door again. He went up to his room, collapsing on his bed. In an attempt to forget the way his heart hurt, he fell asleep.

Jeno knew something was horribly wrong when a heavy body fell on top of his, and he awoke with a start. A quick glance to his clock told him it was only 2 hours after he had fallen asleep, and his bad feeling was only confirmed when he made out Donghyuck's form in the dark of his room. More specifically, a crying Donghyuck.

Immediately after the realization that Hyuck was crying, Jeno sat up and pushed at Donghyuck, at which the other fell into his arms. Without asking any questions, Jeno hugged him close and let him cry for a while.

While seeing Donghyuck happy with Mark had hurt, at least he had been happy. That it was with Mark and not him was just a minor detail. As long as Donghyuck was smiling as beautifully as he usually did, Jeno would live. Seeing Donghyuck cry broke Jeno's heart even more than seeing him with Mark had.

When Donghyuck was a bit calmer, Jeno pushed him back a little bit and carefully wiped his wet cheeks with his sleeve.

“Hey, Hyuckie,” he asked, mindful to keep his voice soft, “what's wrong?”

“Mark doesn't like me,” he choked out in a sob, and Jeno felt a frown grow on his face. “I asked if he'd be okay with- with kissing me and… he said- he said he-” Donghyuck said, stuttering and obviously still trying to keep more tears at bay.

“Shh,” Jeno said gently, brushing Donghyuck's hair off his forehead. “Deep breaths, it's okay. You're okay, you don't need him. He'd be an idiot for not liking you.”

Donghyuck took a few deep breaths as Jeno told him to and burrowed his face into Jeno's shoulder again. It was quiet for a while, Jeno petting Donghyuck's hair in repetitive, soft movements.

“He said he wasn't gay,” Donghyuck then murmured, voice thick. Jeno felt himself grow mad instantly. He'd told Mark so explicitly to take care of Donghyuck, and he had nodded. Now he dared say he didn't even like boys?

“He said he was raised very conservatively, and was curious about- why it was so bad. So when I asked him out he agreed to find out. And he decided it wasn't bad, just- not for him. So he said it was over. And that he was sorry for leading me on. But at least he promised not to tell anyone else.”

Jeno was fuming. Mark had seemed like a nice guy, and he had made Donghyuck happy for the short time they'd dated. But this? Jeno could not excuse this. He was angry, disappointed, but mostly felt extremely sorry for Donghyuck.

Jeno pressed a short kiss onto Donghyuck's forehead, and hugged him a bit tighter. “He's a dick for using you like that. He doesn't deserve you if he thinks that's okay, Hyuckie. It's not your fault.”

Donghyuck nodded, and stayed the night at Jeno's place. His parents wouldn't mind. They loved Donghyuck almost as much as Jeno did, and had even allowed the boy to leave some of his clothes in Jeno's closet in case there were any surprise sleepovers like this one.

17

After the Mark incident, Donghyuck never spoke of liking someone or having seen someone nice again for nearly a whole year. Jeno knew he got over Mark fast, since they had barely gone out, but he also knew it had left Donghyuck with some insecurities. He hated it.

He also hated his closest friend, after Donghyuck of course. His name was Jaemin, and they'd met a few months ago, when Jaemin came up to him to ask for Donghyuck's number. Jeno hadn't given it to him, but had become fast friends with Jaemin.

Somehow, Jaemin had gotten a hold of Donghyuck's number anyway, and Jeno knew he still liked Donghyuck. So when one day during lunch (Donghyuck had finally auditioned for the school choir and had, as expected, gotten in, so he was at choir practice rather than with Jeno during lunch breaks) Jaemin came up to him with a smile wider than Jeno had ever seen before, he felt his heart sink in his chest for the second time.

“Jeno! I confessed to Donghyuck, and he said yes!”

Jeno smiled and congratulated Jaemin, but his mind was racing. Donghyuck hid it well under a thick layer of jokes and casual affection and closeness, but Jeno knew what kind of person he was. Especially after the Mark incident. Donghyuck was confident enough, but Jeno knew he had many insecurities as well, that developed to a need to have someone who loved him, to have someone to love.

Jeno not only wished it could just be him Donhyuck loved, for he already loved Donghyuck more than was healthy, but even more he feared Donghyuck had become gullible for love. Jaemin’s confession was an opportunity for Donghyuck to have what he needed, whether he realized it himself or not, and Jeno was terrified of Donghyuck getting hurt in the end again.

They started dating pretty publicly right away, and Jeno’s fears only grew. The pain in his heart didn’t subside for the weeks, months they were together, and every day his fear grew.

Donghyuck was happy with the relationship and affection Jaemin offered him, but Jeno was afraid it was the relationship that made him happy, instead of Jaemin himself. He was just as afraid of Jaemin catching on and getting hurt or disappointed himself, Jaemin was still Jeno’s friend after all.

After about five months of day to day torture, Jeno noticed Jaemin distanced himself more from Donghyuck, and Hyuck caught on right away, clinging onto Jaemin even more. Jeno hated himself for hoping Hyuck would realize himself that he didn’t really like Jaemin. The relationship hurt Jeno, but he didn’t want his friends to hurt either. Neither of them, though he worried for Donghyuck more.

When their relationship got close to the 6-month mark, Jeno was not only worried, but suspicious as well. He had been ditching Donghyuck and him more and more often, and while Donghyuck was still completely enamored with Jaemin, Jeno didn’t trust it. He was worried for Donghyuck, worried that the other was too far in to see Jaemin was acting weird. Weirder than normal, more distant, less affectionate, less sweet.

One day, Jeno decided to follow him. He very strongly disliked having to ditch Donghyuck, but the other had choir practice on Wednesdays and Fridays, so Jeno decided he’d do it on either of those days.

When Jaemin told Jeno he wouldn’t join them at lunch on a Wednesday, Jeno knew this was his chance to possibly get light on the situation. When class ended, he trailed a bit behind Jaemin. He felt a bit like a detective on a mission. A mission specifically to protect his love. The desperate, pathetic, pretend-detective side character stalking the second male lead only to find him-

With a girl. Hugging her, pressing a kiss to her lips, laughing and smiling at her, being more affectionate with her than he’d been with the main character, the side character’s love interest, for nearly two months.

Jeno was livid. His blood was boiling, and he didn’t realize he’d been pressing his nails into his palms when he felt a warm liquid trail down his fingers. If Jeno had any less self-control, he’d be storming out from behind the bush that had been his destined hiding place and beat up the filthy, cheating excuse for a boyfriend and friend Na Jaemin.

Then, an ice cold feeling of dread filled Jeno. This would absolutely break Donghyuck’s heart. Jeno knew of his insecurities that had come after the Mark incident. He had worried about him not being likable, when his first crush on a boy ended in such disaster. Mark had been unknowing, and unbothered, never even meeting up with Hyuck again, but Donghyuck had been eating at himself from inside for months until he finally felt confident enough to wear cuter clothes and sometimes even wear light eyeshadow again.

Jeno could be cold to Jaemin. All he felt even when thinking his name was cold rage. It wouldn’t be easy to shut Jaemin out. But he couldn’t tell Donghyuck. It was not his place to do so. Maybe he’d catch on if he treated Jaemin coldly. Jeno hoped so.

The plan to simply give Jaemin the cold shoulder was out of the window almost as quickly as he’d come up with it. Jaemin sat down next to Jeno in class five minutes late, Donghyuck sitting on his other side, and when Jaemin smiled at them he felt himself get angry again. Resolutely, he turned his back to Donghyuck, grabbing Jaemin’s sweater sleeve in a tight grip.

“So when were you planning on breaking up with Hyuck?” he hissed, low enough for Donghyuck to be unable to hear him. Jaemin’s eyes widened, and Jeno felt himself grow angrier. “Don’t even try to defend yourself. I saw you with that girl yesterday, you scum.”

Jeno usually didn’t curse, nor did he insult people. He hated it, preferred to be the calmer person and stay friendly to everyone instead. This time, however, the way Jaemin’s face scrunched up in confusion and then shock was incredibly satisfying to him.

“Don’t tell him,” Jaemin pleaded, shooting helpless, panicked glances over Jeno’s shoulder where Donghyuck was looking on confusedly. “Please, I swear I’ll end things soon. It got way out of hand, I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

Jeno scoffed. The fact that Jaemin didn’t even try to explain or deny told Jeno enough, let alone the lack of apology. Jaemin was pathetic, and suddenly Jeno regretted ever introducing him to Donghyuck.

“Jeno, what’s the matter?” Donghyuck whispered from behind him, poking his back, but Jeno ignored him. He’d apologize to Donghyuck later. First he had one more question for Jaemin.

“How long?” he hissed, his voice hateful. Jaemin shrugged Jeno’s hand off his arm and shrugged, turning to the front of the classroom.

“Nearly two months,” Jaemin whispered back, and that was all Jeno needed to know. Before anyone could say anything else, Jeno swung, and Jaemin was on the floor, clutching his bleeding nose with cries of pain.

Jeno didn’t care. He was half tempted to stop Donghyuck from going over to Jaemin and helping him, but he decided to leave Jaemin to fix this himself. He stood up and left the classroom without another word, ignoring the way the teacher and students were yelling at him. He just wanted to go home.

Once in the safety of his own bedroom, the events that had taken place came rushing back to him, and seconds later he was ignoring the fact that he was already seventeen and shouldn’t be crying in his mother’s embrace anymore, and stumbled to the kitchen.

He knew Donghyuck would come over soon. He’d yell at Jeno, ask him if he was insane, ask him why he would even think of hurting his own friend and Donghyuck’s boyfriend, what was wrong with him. If Jaemin hadn’t fessed up yet, Jeno would have to explain it and break Donghyuck’s heart and Donghyuck would either be devastated again or not believe Jeno and go back to Jaemin. Jeno wasn’t sure which was worse. Probably the latter.

“Jeno, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” his mother asked the second he entered the kitchen, and Jeno just walked up to her and let the tears fall. Wordlessly, she curled her arms around his shoulders and held him. It felt like hours before he finally calmed down, though it probably was only a few minutes.

“It’s Hyuck,” Jeno then blurted out. “His boyfriend is cheating on him and I punched him and now Hyuck won’t believe me and he’ll hate me.”

His mother pulled him back in and wiped his tears. “I thought you were his boyfriend?” she asked, sounding genuinely surprised. It shocked Jeno. She knew Donghyuck was gay, but Jeno had never officially come out to her. He wasn’t sure why, since he knew she wouldn’t be mad. The thought had just never come to him, and he felt his eyes start to water again.

“No,” was all he could say, his voice high and honestly pitiful. The ‘ I wish I was ’ was left unspoken, but visible in the air between him and his mom. She seemed to understand, and pulled him properly into her embrace again.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she mumbled, rocking him from side to side, and for a second Jeno felt like he was seven again instead of seventeen, and had come running to his mom with a snotty nose and bleeding knee. “You two are closer than any friends I’ve ever seen. I’m sure you’ll be fine. I hope Hyuckie can get rid of that boy soon. And if the kid keeps stringing him along, tell me his name and I’ll gladly talk to his parents.”

Jeno, despite himself and the terrible situation he had somehow worked himself into, believed his mother’s words, and smiled.

***

Donghyuck called him, a few days after the incident, and had only yelled at Jeno about how he was disrespectful. He had asked if Jeno was insane, what had possessed him to punch his own friend, if he was crazy. Jeno knew he wasn’t. It didn’t hurt him, what he did was maybe a bit over the top but definitely justifiable.

What hurt way more was Donghyuck asking him if Jeno didn’t want him to be happy, if Jeno knew Jaemin genuinely made him happy. Jeno knew he was crying again when Donghyuck was loudly sobbing, yelling at Jeno. Asking him if he really wanted Donghyuck to be unhappy that badly and Jeno had been unable to explain himself, only choking out a ‘never’ with a thick voice and a throat that felt like someone had shoved a million cotton balls down it.

Donghyuck didn’t talk to him for almost a whole month. Didn’t glare at him, even. Didn’t even spare Jeno a glance, and instead spent their joined classes on the other side of the classroom, glued to Jaemin’s side during lunch breaks.

If seeing Jaemin and Donghyuck happy together had hurt Jeno, this was absolute torture. Especially because while Donghyuck was pretending Jeno and their years long friendship had never existed, Jaemin was still holding on to Donghyuck, pretending everything was fine. Like the whole incident had never happened.

Jeno dreaded the day everything would collapse, but he also looked forward to it. He dreaded having to see Donghyuck sad again, dreaded having more insecurities add to his already more-impressive-than-necessary list, dreaded the possibility of Donghyuck never returning to him. On the other hand, he looked forward to having Hyuck back, no matter how damaged, however selfish that sounded. Jeno was willing to do anything to patch Hyuck up again, and he hoped Donghyuck still knew that.

Then, one day, a bit over a month after the incident had taken place, the day arrived. Jeno received a call from Donghyuck, voice quiet and shy, apologizing a million times for ever doubting Jeno would hurt someone without reason. Without further explanation needed, Jeno invited Donghyuck over, and fifteen minutes later the doorbell rang. His parents were out for the night, and Jeno led Donghyuck to the kitchen.

“Jeno,” Donghyuck started, looking far calmer than Jeno had been expecting. Maybe this wouldn’t go so disastrously, after all. Jeno could only hope so. “Jeno, I know now what Jaemin did. I’m- I’m sorry. I- I understand if you’re mad or- or hate me now, but… Please help me?”

Donghyuck wasn’t the type to apologize, so Jeno was more than satisfied for what he got. He was never really mad at Donghyuck, anyway. How could he, when Donghyuck was not guilty of anything?

So, Jeno took a deep breath, and told Donghyuck exactly what he’d seen that unfaithful day, and what Jaemin had said that had angered Jeno far enough to resort to violence. Throughout the whole thing, Donghyuck didn’t say a thing, only looked Jeno in the eyes and nodded. Like he already knew everything. He probably did. Jaemin was a bastard, but if there was one good quality left in him Jeno had to admit that he was honest when confronted about something. Still, Jeno wanted nothing more than to punch him again. And then send his mother after him.

When Jeno was done, Donghyuck looked out of the window for a minute, then nodded and wordlessly dialed Jaemin’s number. Jeno was glad to see the contact name was no longer cute with emoticons and a heart, but instead ‘asshole’. He hoped it would be over soon.

“Hey, dickhead?” Donghyuck called out when Jaemin picked up, Jeno reaching out to lay a comforting hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder. “Heads up, if you hadn’t caught up yet, we’re over.”

Jeno was proud. And happy. But the harshness in Donghyuck’s voice wasn’t Donghyuck, and Jeno knew he’d be sad after the call finished. A lot had happened, and the last month had been a mess of emotional turmoil for Jeno, but he could only imagine how messed up Hyuck was feeling.

“Yeah, uh,” Jaemin’s tinny voice sounded from the phone, “I’m sorry. I’ll just say that again.” Jeno clenched the hand that wasn’t on Donghyuck’s shoulder tightly into a fist. Jaemin sounded way too casual and calm for Jeno’s liking. “Hey, I gotta say though,” Jaemin continued, and Jeno could feel himself get worked up already. “You have to admit you and Jeno were like… insanely close and clingy. Anyone would’ve gotten wrong thoughts.”

Donghyuck scoffed humorlessly, and the coldness in his voice chilled Jeno to the bone, and satisfied him at the same time. This was really over. Almost. “You’re delusional, and insane. Have fun with your girlfriend,” Donghyuck snarled into the receiver, and then he hung up.

It was painfully quiet for a minute, until Donghyuck slumped and fell forward into Jeno’s chest. He was shaking, and Jeno gladly engulfed Donghyuck into his embrace. He was instantly reminded of the first time this had happened, and he once more regret never telling Donghyuck anything. That regret was shaken off very quickly after, though.

It wouldn’t change their relationship. Not in a bad way, but they wouldn’t suddenly step off the comfortable, platonic plane they’d been on nearly their whole lives. Jeno was fine like this. He just really hoped Donghyuck could stop liking and dating the wrong guys.

“It’s over,” Donghyuck whispered, and Jeno’s attention was instantly back on him. “Why did he do that, Jeno? Why? And why are you so- why are you even comforting me right now, you’re supposed to hate me. I- I must be unlikable enough for-”

“I was never mad at you,” Jeno quickly said, interrupting Donghyuck. He didn’t want to hear it. He knew exactly how Donghyuck was feeling now, and he didn’t want to hear it. It might be selfish, but sue him. He just wished everything would be alright again, soon. He’d do anything to help with that. Anything.

18

Apparently, that meant he'd even coax Donghyuck into a third relationship, a year later. He trusted Yukhei. Hoped he’d be different.

They had met the college first year at their compulsory college orientation trip with school, finally eighteen and in their last year of high school. Jeno knew Yukhei had taken an instant liking to Donghyuck. Yukhei was older, taller, more handsome, funnier. Jeno had texted a lot with Yukhei, to make sure of his intentions with Donghyuck.

It wasn’t even his intention to do it, honestly. He just knew Donghyuck was someone who craved attention, and love, and relationships. After his last one ended badly, almost a whole year ago, Jeno knew he had been more down. He had managed to get over Jaemin pretty soon again, but this time the insecurities had sticked, and Jeno couldn’t do anything about it.

All he wanted was for Donghyuck to be truly happy again, with someone he could trust, and be affectionate with on another level than he was with friends, and Jeno knew Donghyuck didn’t want it from him. So, he took it upon himself to make sure that Yukhei, who had taken an interest to Donghyuck, would be taking proper care of him.

When Yukhei had been approved of, he sent him Donghyuck’s number. Only two days later, Donghyuck came up to him during lunch break, a panicked look in his eyes.

“Jeno!” he called out, “Yukhei asked me out. You know, from college orientation. What do I do, I don’t want to blow him off but...” he hesitated to continue, but Jeno already had a suspicion of what he was going to say.

“You’re a great person, Hyuckie,” he said, “I’m sure Yukhei is too. He seemed nice, right? Maybe you should try it out!”

It felt wrong. Horribly, terribly wrong. He shouldn’t be encouraging the person he was in love with to enter a possible relationship with someone else the other person yet had no interest in. Jeno hated it, but he felt like he had to. If Yukhei could make Hyuck happy, he’d do it.

Donghyuck nodded, visibly still nervous, but he looked a bit calmer now. “I- alright, if you say so. Shouldn’t hurt to try.” Then, he walked off again, probably to a more private area to text Yukhei back. Beside him, Renjun, an old friend of Jaemin’s who had picked Jeno’s side in their incident last year, snorted as soon as Donghyuck was out of hearing range.

“You really like sabotaging yourself, don’t you?” Renjun said, and Jeno suspected he wasn’t expecting an answer. “You stupid idiot.”

Yukhei and Donghyuck went on a date, and much like Jeno had expected, they hit it off and went on another soon. After the second date, their final exams came up, and they didn’t meet up as often. When they were over, though, Jeno felt like they didn’t really meet up often again.

Jeno got the feeling something was wrong about two months after he had encouraged Donghyuck to accept, and red flags appeared in his head when he saw Donghyuck sitting in the corner of the library multiple times, on times and days where he’d earlier said he’d be out with Yukhei.

Jeno really was an idiot. The blame was all on him, this time.

“How are things going with Yukhei?” he asked one day, when Donghyuck and Renjun were over at his house. Renjun was grabbing drinks from the kitchen, and it was just him and Donghyuck.

“Oh, fine,” Donghyuck said, plastering a smile onto his face. Everything about it was fabricated, and Jeno felt imminent sadness well up on him. Since when did Donghyuck think Jeno didn’t know him well enough anymore to make out the real smiles from the fake? “Just busy, you know.”

Jeno, for possibly the billionth time, just wished he wasn’t such an idiotic coward, and had just been able to confess to Donghyuck before the whole mess took place. First Mark, then Jaemin, now Yukhei, and all the emotional baggage that came along with it. It all could’ve been avoided easily. That is, if Donghyuck liked him back. Or was willing to try it out.

That whole evening, Jeno wasn’t able to focus on the movie Renjun had picked for even a minute, his thoughts far off the whole time. The next morning, as soon as Donghyuck and Renjun had left the house, he dialed Yukhei’s number.

He picked up quickly, and Jeno could hear the faint sounds of laughing and talking people in the background. “Yukhei? This is Jeno,” he said, and he decided to just get straight to the point. “Why are you never with Donghyuck?”

It was silent on the other side for a while, save for the people in the background. Then, Yukhei coughed, and chuckled. It didn’t sound genuine, and Jeno felt this was… not good. “Donghyuck, right,” Yukhei said, a scoff following. “Look, kid. I’m in university. I don’t have time for going on useless dates, let alone with you kids.” Then he immediately hung up. Jeno felt the familiar feeling of… well, really wanting to punch someone fill him, and he decided he needed to let Donghyuck know as soon as possible. This time, he was going to do it right.

So, he immediately called him and said he was coming over, hanging up again without giving Donghyuck the chance to object. Storming into his bedroom, he didn’t beat around the bush and sat down on his bed. “How often have you actually talked to Yukhei since you first went out?”

Donghyuck knew what Jeno was referring to, and the fact that he didn’t look sad or angry, instead just down and disappointed, was just as bad. “Barely,” Donghyuck replied, the word coming out as a whisper. Jeno coughed, not looking at Donghyuck. The atmosphere felt tense, and thick, but Donghyuck wasn’t mad at him. Jeno felt like Donghyuck, usually so fierce and optimistic, had given up, and it hurt more than encouraging him to go on that date with Yukhei had.

Jeno told Donghyuck exactly what Yukhei had said when Jeno called him, and Donghyuck simply nodded and handed Jeno his phone. “You do it,” he said, voice soft but way too flat, emotionless. “Please delete his number right after.”

Jeno saw even without needing to scroll through their conversations that Yukhei hadn’t even tried to appear interested, calling things off every time Hyuck asked if he was free. Jeno felt himself get annoyed, and no longer wanting to look at their messages again, he sent a simple ‘we’re over’, getting nothing but ‘okay’ in return.

Donghyuck seemed fine. They went downstairs to the kitchen. Jeno sat down on one of the stools, watching as Donghyuck went to prepare hot chocolate for the both of them. He seemed fine, and Jeno was almost happy to see he at least wasn’t angry or crying or anything extreme. He seemed to be dealing well with it this time, despite looking a bit more down. Satisfied, he turned his attention from Donghyuck to his phone and started up a game.

Jeno should’ve known better.

When preparing the drink took longer than it usually would’ve, Jeno felt worry bubble up in him, and he turned off the game. He looked up, and instantly knew he’d been an idiot. Of course Donghyuck wasn’t okay. This was the third boy who had cruelly ended things with him, the third time Donghyuck had been so eager to share his love with someone who ended up throwing it back in his face not long after.

Donghyuck had his back turned to Jeno, and his shoulders were shaking, unmistakable sounds of repressed sobs echoing through the further empty room. In an instant, Jeno was up on his feet and rounded the table, pulling Donghyuck into his chest in a tight hug.

The noises got louder, and Jeno felt his heart break little by little with every sob Donghyuck let out. He felt like all he could do was try to comfort him, so he gently rocked them from side to side, growing reminiscent of when he’d done the same after the Mark incident. He felt Donghyuck’s arms come around his own torso to return the hug, and he let the boy cry into his shoulder.

Donghyuck had a tight grip on Jeno’s shirt, like he was afraid Jeno would let go, as well. Jeno tried to ignore the way he felt Donghyuck’s fingers clench and unclench into the ruffled fabric, tried to ignore how it made an even sharper pain pierce through his chest. This wasn’t about him.

“Am I really that unlovable?” Donghyuck stuttered out when he calmed down a bit, voice laden with self-hate and insecurities. “Why do these things keep happening to me, what am I doing wrong?”

Jeno had never before in his life felt a stronger urge to grab Donghyuck’s face, look him in the eye and tell him exactly how much the person right in front of him loved him. The urge to just blurt out those three words was almost overwhelming, and it prickled at his throat. He kept them back. This wasn’t about him. It wasn’t a good moment. A terrible moment, even. If he were to ever confess, it shouldn’t be now, when Donghyuck had gotten his heart broken for the third time, when everything in his head seemed and felt like a mess.

This wasn’t about him.

19

Things seem to be well after that, for a while. They move into their first apartment together, close to the campus they’d be going to the next year. Everything seems fine. The apartment was small and the hallways cramped. There was only one bedroom, so they’d bought a bunk bed and shared the room. The kitchen was almost non-existent, but it had a fridge and a microwave and a small sink and stove, so they had everything they needed. It was small, and cramped, but cheap. And cozy. And their first home together. Jeno hoped it could be home.

Everything was fine, until it wasn’t anymore. It was their first day in university, and while Jeno was, shy and introverted as he usually was, nervous for the classes. Donghyuck, who was usually more outgoing and easygoing, was terrified.

“Jeno, I can’t do this,” he said, tears appearing in the corners of his eyes. “I can’t. I’m- no one is going to like me, Jeno. You’re the only one who ever really did. Maybe Renjun, but he isn’t here. What if I go in there and fuck everything up again? What if-”

Jeno hated it. Why couldn’t he just see that Jeno loved him, loved him so much, more than anyone else ever had? Why couldn’t he just see that he was so, so beautiful, and a wonderful person, and so bright and loving and-

Jeno couldn’t hold it back anymore. Donghyuck was falling into a slump again, and Jeno couldn’t let him fall. Couldn’t stand back and watch it happen. Even if Donghyuck didn’t love him back, didn’t even like him back in the romantic way, Jeno had to tell him.

Donghyuck deserved to know exactly how loved he actually was.

“Hyuck?” Jeno said, interrupting his still ongoing rant. “I- I need to tell you something. You don’t have to do anything with it, I’ve just been hiding it for too long and I can’t hold it in anymore. I can’t watch you beat yourself up and be unnecessarily mean to yourself for any longer.”

Donghyuck looked a mix of surprised and scared. Jeno felt his heartbeat speed up, and he was sure that if Hyuck were to touch his chest now, he’d be able to feel it through his thick sweater.

“I love you,” Jeno then simply said. “I’ve been in love with you since we were fifteen, and I can’t keep it to myself anymore. Do with it whatever you want, but please, Hyuck. You’re amazing.”

Just saying the words out loud to Donghyuck felt freeing. Jeno felt like heavy weights had fallen off his shoulders, like he could finally breathe freely, like he could do anything. No longer restricted by the heavy words, the implication behind them.

Donghyuck was silent.

“Jeno,” he then said, voice hesitant, tears pooling in his eyes again. “I- I’m sorry, I-”

“I know my feelings aren't not returned, Hyuck,” Jeno said, rather saying it himself than hear Donghyuck say it out loud. “I don’t mind. It’s up to you what you do with it.”

Donghyuck was looking at Jeno’s face intently. “I love you Jeno, but not- not in the way you say you do. But… you’re special. You’re a special person, and… I’m a mess right now. But if you’re willing to wait for me to properly figure myself out, I’d be willing to try it.”

Jeno let the words sink in for a second, and his brain was going a million miles per hour. That wasn’t a no. It wasn’t an outright rejection. Donghyuck, though not in the romantic way, loved Jeno, and he was willing to try.

“Hyuck,” Jeno said, a wide smile stretching on his face, “I’ve waited for four years to even say it, in the first place. I think I could wait a little longer.”

“I don’t know how long, though,” Donghyuck said, looking away. Then, an idea came to Jeno, and he lifted his hand to turn Donghyuck’s face back around, forcing him to face Jeno again. Jeno wanted him to see the sincerity, wanted Donghyuck to be able to believe what Jeno was saying.

“I know like no other how shit your earlier romantic experiences were,” Jeno said softly, “and I wish I could erase all of them from your memory. You didn’t deserve any of that, you never did. You deserve to know how exactly someone who says they love you is supposed to treat you, and- I… Please let me show you, Hyuck.” Jeno took a deep breath before he continued, taking the open look in Donghyuck’s eyes as encouragement to propose his idea to Donghyuck.

“Date me, go out with me, for two months. Please let me show you how you deserve to be treated, let me love you. After those two months, I’ll ask you out again, and you can break it off if there are no feelings on your side yet by then. No hard feelings, no consequences. Please give me that chance. Will you?”

Donghyuck looked up into Jeno’s eyes, as if searching for a lie or a catch. There wasn’t, and Donghyuck seemed to see. Jeno dropped the hand that had, until then, still been holding onto Donghyuck’s chin, and he stepped back. “Sorry if I’m being too forward, you don’t have to answer now,” Jeno said, his hands in front of his body as an apology. “I’ll-”

“I’ll do it,” Donghyuck said. “I’ll do it.”

“You really don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Jeno rushed to say, but Donghyuck shushed him.

“I might be an emotional wreck, but I can think and decide for myself,” he said, voice gentle. “Jeno, I trust you. I’ll date you. Two months, and hopefully more.”

Please don’t force yourself, Jeno wanted to add, but it remained unspoken, too afraid of going too far and hurting Donghyuck’s feelings. Instead, he stepped closer again and kissed Donghyuck’s forehead. “Then,” Jeno said, grabbing Donghyuck’s hand in his to (hopefully) hide the tremor in his voice, “let’s go!”

***

The events of the day before and what it all meant didn’t hit Jeno until the next morning, in class. He had hugged Donghyuck as goodbye, and Donghyuck had blushed before sending him off with a kiss on the cheek. It only now came to his realization that that would be the reality for the next two months.

It didn’t sound like much compared to the four years he’d been harboring the feelings already, but Jeno could cry out of happiness. This was an opportunity. A chance, to show Donghyuck what he was worth, but also a chance to get Donghyuck to fall for him. However he would do that. And even if he didn’t manage it in the end, they had always been affectionate, Donghyuck especially. Now, and for the next two months, there’d be a different meaning, a deeper intent behind the affection. At least, on Jeno’s part.

Oh how he hoped he could somehow change Donghyuck’s mind.

***

The following days, Jeno showered Donghyuck in love and affection, eager to experience a proper honeymoon phase with him. Donghyuck seemed to enjoy it, and it lifted Jeno’s spirits to new heights. On their first weekend as ‘couple’, they watched a movie, Donghyuck falling asleep in the middle of it.

His head had fallen sideways to rest on Jeno’s shoulder, and his hand was lightly gripping Jeno’s shirt. This was not something that had never happened before, at all. But what was new, was that this time around Jeno got to lift Donghyuck in his arms, got to look at the adorable and peaceful expression on his beautiful face, got to carry Donghyuck to bed, got to crawl in after him. The first time Jeno got to press soft kisses into his hair, got to fully enjoy the way Donghyuck snuggled further into his chest, got to stare at his face until his own eyes fell shut. The first time he got to spend the night with Donghyuck, the first time he got to unabashedly cuddle with him.

It was also the first time Jeno got to sneak out of Donghyuck’s tight embrace the next morning, prepare breakfast for the both of them and carefully slip back underneath the blankets, balancing the plates. The first time he got to wake Donghyuck with a kiss on the cheek, first time he got to see his adorable just-woke-up face and bed hair from closer than ever before, first time he got to share breakfast in bed with Donghyuck as his boyfriend.

When they were finished, Donghyuck just looked at Jeno’s face for a few minutes, and Jeno let him, content where he was with the rays of sunlight warm on his face through the opened blinds. It wasn’t like Jeno was looking at anything other than Donghyuck, anyway. It was impossible, with how beautiful he looked, barefaced, skin almost glowing in the soft sunlight. Not that Jeno wanted to. Now that he got to look at Donghyuck, he felt like he could never look away again.

A wild urge to kiss Donghyuck slammed into his mind, full force, and to hold himself back he quickly excused himself to take the plates back to the kitchen. He couldn’t kiss Donghyuck yet. No way. It had only been a week, maybe. There was no way he’d say yes. Absolutely no chance.

The week after that, Jeno finally got off the clouds he’d been on at the beginning of their… dating trial. Arrangement? He took Donghyuck on a date, and with the way a few bypassing girls giggled behind their backs, Jeno got the feeling they made a pretty convincing couple. It made him feel proud, for some reason. He pulled Donghyuck a bit closer into his side, and Donghyuck happily followed.

This whole trial would be the death of Jeno.

In the third week, they had both gotten comfortable in the relationship. At least, Jeno assumed Donghyuck had. He sometimes came up to Jeno and was the one who initiated a hug, or cuddle session. Sometimes even a kiss on the cheek, with a bright flush coming up to his ears. Those moments became the highlights of Jeno’s days, and it became harder and harder to keep himself from pressing kisses all over Donghyuck’s face every morning and evening and whole day in general.

The fourth week passed way too quickly to Jeno’s liking, and they were approaching the one month mark. Suddenly, two months seemed way too short. Jeno already dreaded the day it would be over. Donghyuck probably knew of it, or at least that something was bothering Jeno, because when they were out for dinner to celebrate their first anniversary, Donghyuck confronted him about it.

“Is anything wrong?” he asked, voice soft, and Jeno hated the layer of insecurities that was hidden beneath it. He quickly shook his head.

“I don’t- I’m not sure how you’re feeling up until now about the relationship, but… two months are shorter than I thought,” Jeno replied shyly. He didn’t want Donghyuck to think he had done anything wrong. He hadn’t. Not possible. Jeno was just being an idiot. That was all.

Instead of laughing at him, Donghyuck leaned his chin on his palm and smiled softly. “Hmm, I understand. But it’s fine, Jeno. You have another month, and so far it’s been great.”

Jeno wasn’t sure if Donghyuck knew exactly how reassuring it was to hear him say that, but he was thankful for it. Even if he didn’t notice, he’d probably subconsciously known where Jeno’s worries stemmed from. They knew each other better than anyone else, after all. No communication necessary.

That night was also the first time they kissed. As in, properly. It was short, and shy, a quick peck on the lips, but Jeno was over the moon. That night, he didn’t sleep. All that kept coming back to his mind as he pulled Donghyuck closer to his chest was how soft his lips had felt on his own, if only for a few seconds. He couldn’t wait to do it again. And again. If Donghyuck would let him, of course.

The second month flew by, if possible, even faster than that fourth week. Before Jeno knew it, their relationship trial only had two days left. Donghyuck hadn’t mentioned it again after their one month mark, and Jeno was terrified that in two days, it would all be over.

Two days passed by as quickly as all the others, and Jeno was hopelessly grasping onto everything he’d had with Donghyuck the past months. They’d gotten more and more comfortable with kissing, though not having gone as far as to make out. The last evening, Jeno had curled up next to Donghyuck in bed, about to pass out. Wanting to savor what was possibly his last chance to be with Donghyuck this intimately, they laid for minutes upon minutes, exchanging lazy kisses.

After what felt like hours, Donghyuck had started to yawn in between kisses, and Jeno pulled back. He would be sad if all were over after this. It was only logical, but unavoidable. He’d respect Donghyuck’s choice, and-

“Let’s keep doing this,” Donghyucks voice sounded, interrupting Jeno from his messy inner monologue. His voice was drowsy, like he was about to fall asleep, and Jeno didn’t doubt that he actually was on the brink of passing out.

“What?” Jeno asked, voice breathy. Had he heard that well? Even more, had he understood well? Keep going, Donghyuck had said, but was that about the relationship or about kissing? Kissing wouldn’t be a very good option, probably, especially since it was late and they both had class early in the morning, and they were both tired and-

“Stop that,” Donghyuck protested sleepily, “I can almost hear you overthinking. I meant… let’s keep going. With the relationship. If you’ll still have me. I’m… I can’t say I love you yet,” he said, voice clear and honest despite the drowsiness slowing his talking. “I’m not in love with you yet, but… there’s definitely- definitely something there. You’re special, Jeno.”

Jeno couldn’t comprehend what he was hearing. Almost. “Are you serious?” he asked, voice embarrassingly high.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck replied, a soft smile on his face, eyes falling shut.

Jeno felt like his heart had grown three times as big, and it was like it could pop out of his chest at any moment. He pulled Donghyuck close and kissed him, teeth clacking because of the wide smiles that both were sporting.

“I love you so much,” Jeno said, and Donghyuck simply smiled back at him, eyes warm. Then they slipped shut, and his breathing evened out.

Jeno didn’t think he’d ever been as happy before.

20

Dear Jeno,

It’s me. I’m not sure why I’m writing a letter, since I could easily text or call you or whatever, but a handwritten letter felt more romantic so that’s what you’re getting.

It’s great here. I didn’t really realize how much I’d missed my parents until I saw them again. I know it’s only been a few months, but that’s way too long. As much as I enjoy being with you, I’m never leaving them this long again :).

They’re dying to meet you. I told them about our relationship first thing when I got here. Not sure why I didn’t do it before. I guess I was scared of their reaction, but when I told them they were surprised it had taken us so long. Guess you’re not as sly as you like to think you are.

Our relationship. Just saying that still makes me feel giddy. Happy one year, by the way. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it back in time for the actual day. Guess it’s also our fault for moving to university so far away from our hometowns. But like I said, happy one year. I love you. Sorry for never having said it before. I don’t know why I didn’t. Guess I’m secretly just a big coward. I’ll tell you the second I get home. I love you.

I ran into Mark. He got himself a girlfriend, she’s very cute. Seeing him again made me think about high school a lot. I don’t remember why I was so desperate for someone to love when I had you by my side all the time. Also don’t understand why you never said anything, when it was clearly hurting you as well.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Maybe I was never supposed to date those other people. Maybe that’s why they all ended so shitty. Maybe I was just looking for someone, when I was meant to be with you all along. I do believe that, by the way.

Maybe all other relationships went so bad for a reason. Maybe we had to go through all that together. But in the end, I believe we were meant to be with each other all along. I was just too blind to see it, and dated other people trying to fill the place that, all along, was, even without my knowing, reserved for you. Forever.

Love, Donghyuck.