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Being on the receiving end of Beth's anger was a position that Ruby had precious little experience in. And anger like this; anger that left Beth speechless and nearly shaking with rage, was something that few people could withstand.
Ruby didn’t think she was one of the few.
She fessed up, prostrated herself, degraded herself, anything to make Beth roll her eyes defeatedly and let it go like she did whenever Annie did something irresponsible or said something that stepped over the line – Ruby would always stay out of those spats, because she had brothers, because she knew that with siblings, there was little anyone could do to defuse a fight between them. But also because the idea of Beth being angry or upset with her made her stomach churn and something clench hard in her chest (it would take a few deep breaths to calm down when her best friend would get this look on her face that meant everyone better start runnin'.)
She says “I love you”, the tacking on of 'obvs' is to lessen the gravity that she needs it to hold, and so she won’t go on repeating herself.
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
The past several weeks have been the most terrifying of her life, but she would live through a year of it so she wouldn’t ever have to see the look that Beth is giving her now.
Like she doesn’t even know who Ruby is anymore.
Ruby manages to hold in the tears until Beth leaves.
It's hard to sleep without getting a goodnight call or text from her. There’s an unbearable anxiety to not having that constant assurance that someone is there for you when you’ve never been without it.
She cries for more than half an hour after hearing the tense, sharp silence cut through her call with Annie, knowing Beth had been right there and said nothing.
Beth's anger had become the cold shoulder, and that was quickly becoming a grudge. And if Annie hadn’t called when she did to ask Ruby to be Beth's back-up to get the cash back (anyone who wasn’t Beth was this woman's back-up, lately) Ruby didn’t think she could have gone another day without resorting to begging. And she would’ve, as much as she hated admitting it, she would’ve.
Even thinking of Stan, Sara and Harry...Ruby knew who she couldn’t live without. And it was the one who’d been there for her through everything.
There's the look on Beth's face again as Ruby pulls up alongside her. There’s a wariness there, a distrust that Ruby has never seen directed at her before, not even on the day they met. Ruby knows it comes from a place of hurt, but it’s nothing less than gutting to be looked at that way.
What makes it worse is Beth’s been making digs at her since before they stepped into this seedy-ass apartment building, and as much as Ruby feels like she deserves it, it is really starting to piss her off when all she wants is for Beth to walk into her arms and croak in a tear-choked voice what she needs, like she did the night Ruby walked in her door and found her crying on the sofa.
Before Beth started to make it her mission to do things that scared the shit out of everyone else. Before she started learning how to use that terrifying voice not just in retail situations. Before she started rocking up wearing all black to suit the shady dealings she was getting them into (like the turtleneck-jacket combo she’s wearing now.)
And Ruby rolled with it. For Sara, for Stan, for Lil Money, but even if Sara hadn’t been sick, even if the diner hadn’t been such a shitty place to work, Ruby would have rolled with it. She decided that a long time ago. The day this crazy-ass white girl drove a station wagon onto the sidewalk in front of her house – and through half a dozen trash cans – Ruby knew that she would follow this girl anywhere.
They step through the doorway of the apartment that the fake-ass hitmen are holing up in, and Beth crashes their house party, pulling out that bullshitting superpower of hers; and for a few minutes, they both fall back into that old sweet rhythm. The one that got them through a hundred bake sales and even a few blood drives, the rhythm that has had Ruby falling in step beside this woman every damn day since Little Miss Side-Pony came careening into her life. The rhythm that Ruby knows she would feel if she pressed one hand against her heart and the other one to Beth’s.
There’s a familiar kind of hysteria as they search the apartment, but it’s the knowing it isn’t okay to start cracking jokes yet (not when Beth's jaw is still set and her eyes have that wide, haunted look) that reminds Ruby to try to keep schtum until they get out of there.
But she pants, “Go ahead,” when they’re at the door, lugging the bags of reclaimed cash behind them and Beth looks at her differently again, and starts hissing at her suspiciously. She is grasping at any reason to make an accusation. Fuck, Ruby knew she wasn’t going to let this go.
She wouldn’t be Beth if she did.
“So, what do you want?” Ruby demands, “You want me to carry you out, like Costner in The Bodyguard?”
“I want you to be honest for once.”
And it's as if Beth has been kicking the back of her chair the last six months, and Ruby just can’t take it anymore.
Be honest?
“Okay,” Ruby drops the bags of cash, “We’re doing this.”
She draws herself up to her full height (which is admittedly a few inches shorter than Beth in heels, but still) and lays it out.
“You have never understood the lengths I will go to for you.”
Beth blinks in surprise.
“Annie was all for robbing the damn grocery store, but until you gave the okay and you took the lead? I was having none of it.”
Beth begins to splutter in protest, but Ruby interrupts, “I gotta rein you in when you go all Wade Wilson in Fine & Frugal. Then I gotta hear about you stashing Boomer up in your kid's treehouse ten hours after the fact and get dragged into that mess. I gotta play nice at his goddamn granny’s house, like some extra in The Help while you’re supposed to be finding the money, and instead, you go looking for reasons not to rob her racist ass!”
Beth is mouthing wordlessly now, but Ruby is gathering steam, and although she's still whispering, as she can still hear the shower running and knows she’s gotta wrap this up, she’s nowhere near finished.
“Then it's guns in our faces because of what you wouldn’t do when it was all our lives on the line! And then it’s skipping over the border and it’s me shooting a man clean through the foot because your boy didn’t call ahead and tell Big Mike that we were coming to collect his special wrapping paper. And then you go back and ask for more, and it’s a gangster's blood seeping into Emma’s bed and another gun in your face, and, and I-” Ruby's breath catches in her throat, and she chokes out, “I've lost count of how many times I’ve seen you almost die at the business end of one of those things.”
She hiccups. Tears are now streaming down her face, and Beth is pressing her lips together until they’re white, her eyes shining with hurt, and good, Ruby thinks, because the last time she tried calling out Beth, it ended with Ruby being the one hurt by the ensuing argument (So I’m not blood?) which had deeply fractured what they had, all three of them, but somehow strengthened their bond in the end. Though the memory of it still ached.
But this? This was different. And Ruby has spent too long backed into a corner to take another blow and stay silent.
“Everything that has gone wrong has been because of a decision you made, or wouldn’t make. You tried to put Rio away and I'm the Judas? Let me tell you something, the last couple of weeks Turner has left you alone? He’s been coming after me and mine. Stan got put on leave, okay? We are totally screwed. You have no idea the hell we’ve been going through-”
“Oh, I don’t know?” Beth counters contemptuously.
“He was in my house!” Ruby gasps, trying to make her understand, “Breathing down my neck-”
“How many times was that man in my kitchen-”
“He threatened to cart my kids off-”
“And I would never save my own ass.” Beth snarls.
“I get it.” Ruby chokes back a sob, “But you are mad at me for something I did not do.”
But now Beth's voice shakes, and her mask falters when she says, “Because I would choose you, every time.”
There’s a long moment of them just looking at each other, cheeks damp, chests heaving with emotion.
“I’m sorry.” Ruby forces herself to say it, closing her eyes against the pain of wondering if she'll spend the rest of her life apologising for this.
They’ve never been just friends, they’ve never been 'practically sisters'. She’s never asked Beth what they are, has never dared to. Because every time Beth tells her 'I love you', it’s in a voice softer than Ruby has ever heard her use with her kids. But Ruby has to say it off-handedly and flippantly because she doesn’t think Beth would miss the truth in her eyes if Ruby said it the way she means it.
How Ruby feels about her best friend has been a hardened, hurtful secret for so long that she's never addressed it.
Beth is staring at her with trepidation; in such contrast to the wounded, vulnerable expression that graced her face a few moments ago. And the outrage a few moments before that.
Ruby hates her face.
Beth's temper can flare so quickly, yet she can soften in an instant; Ruby loves that about her.
She hates her.
She loves her.
She loves her, she loves her, she loves her.
Then Ruby is stepping forward, cupping Beth’s cheek and kissing her, and all that's going through her mind is whatareyoudoingwhatareyoudoingwhatareyoudoing, and Beth is letting out this surprised little squeak that seems like it’s signalling the end of this crazy-as-fuck move, but then her hands are in Ruby’s hair, her back is up against the door and her arms are around Ruby's neck, her lips parting and her body arching momentarily, gasping.
Ruby can't believe how soft Beth's lips are, she's light-headed from the taste of her, the warm, bittersweet breath that fans over her lips as Beth gasps and brings her mouth back to Ruby's, one hand tugging the lapels of Ruby's jacket to bring her closer, pressing Beth harder against the door, which creaks sharply.
Ruby pulls away, breathing hard, heart pounding, her hands now on Beth's waist, not knowing whether to push her away or pull her closer. Her forehead is touching Beth's nose. She’s looking down because she can’t look up and meet Beth's eyes. She can’t, not knowing what she'll see there.
Beth breathes out heavily, trembling. Ruby doesn’t know if it’s a sigh. But it isn’t not a sigh. She watches a tear drip off her nose and onto Beth's chest, the black cotton knit blend absorbing it instantly. She has a sudden, ridiculous urge to giggle. She wants to cry even more.
Then there’s the unmistakeable sound of a click as the hammer of a gun is pulled back, and they both freeze. Beth's breathing hitches, and her chest jumps. Ruby, with her hands still on Beth’s waist, feels her tense up.
Ruby never thought she’d be relieved to be on the business end of a gun. But right now, she simply doesn’t want to address what just happened, so a mad bitch with a firearm is kind of a blessing in disguise. Admittedly, shuffling out the door and leaving a quarter mil in cash behind definitely wasn’t the plan, among other things... but she'll take it.