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Every once in a while, Snufkin would leave very suddenly without a warning. Not for his big trip south in winter or for little adventures near Moominvalley, but for different reasons that not everyone could understand.
Moomin knew about this and was slowly getting better at dealing with it, though he couldnt't deny that it still hurt when he suddenly found himself all alone at a social gathering, the ghost of his best friend's presence still lingering in the spot where he had been just moments before.
And while Moomin tried his best to understand his dear friend and to leave him be when he needed it, it upset him nonetheless. Moominmamma had assured him that he was not being selfish for feeling hurt, but he couldnt't help but feel that he was making it about himself without meaning to.
Some days Moomin felt angry at being left alone so suddenly, as if Snufkin had been waiting for an excuse to leave the moment he turned his back. He had asked himself many times before if Snufkin didnt't actually enjoy his company at all, if it was just an act so his feelings wouldn't be hurt, but deep down Moomin knew Snufkin would not do such a thing to him, that he was being silly for even doubting his best friend. Snufkin was not the kind of person that would lead someone on, whether he had something to gain from it or not. He was honest and caring and meant no harm when he left.
Moomin often had to remind himself that it was nothing personal and that Snufkin was someone who needed to be alone more often than others might, that he valued solitude as a proof for his own personal freedom.
The vagabond had a hard time being around people for too long, especially when it came to social gatherings. He needed to regain his energy by doing whatever a Snufkin did when he was alone.
Every time Moomin felt angry at Snufkin for leaving, for being so distant, the feeling was followed by the heavy weight of guilt in his stomach. Logically, he knew that Snufkin needed to get away from everyone every once in a while. It wasn't that he hated people, he just needed to remind himself that nobody could keep him trapped anywhere and that he was still free.
Moomin sometimes wondered if he was a bad friend for not fully understanding, though Snufkin often promised him that it was okay not to understand sometimes, that he had a right to be angry at him as long as he remembered that in the end Snufkin also cared about him deeply. He assured Moomin that they both felt the same, but had different ways of showing it.
But there were also times where Snufkin was the one who needed to be reminded that it was okay. Moomin still remembered the first time it had happened, how shocked he had been to see such raw emotion from the usually calm and collected vagabond. That day Snufkin had disappeared from the Moomins' tea party and Moomin had gone out to look for him. It was something he rarely did as he knew it was not what Snufkin would want, but that day he had seemed uncharacteristically sad, often zoning out and keeping to himself entirely with his head hanging low. Filled with worry, Moomin had excused himself from the table to search for his best friend and find out what was bothering him.
When he had found Snufkin, the vagabond had been curled up under a large tree in the forest, knees to his chest with his arms wrapped tightly around them, looking like he was holding back tears that had already threatened to spill from his eyes.
Moomin had never seen him like that and had been so surprised, he had thought something horrible must have happened to make his friend look like that. He had approached him carefully and listened to every word as Snufkin had let out all his worries, all his fears and all his pain that he had been bottling up over the years.
That day, Moomin had seen Snufkin cry for the very first time.
After that there had been several other times Snufkin had allowed Moomin to see him in that state and comfort him, revealing more about why he was so upset and conflicted every time. Moomin began to understand Snufkin more and more and realized while his friend wanted to be alone sometimes, he did find himself missing Moomin and the others more often when he was away, he just didn't know how to handle that feeling.
Snufkin had explained that he felt caged by the idea of loving someone and missing someone, and that he did not understand why it was becoming more and more painful for him to leave when it was supposed to be so normal for him.
The confession had made Moomin realize that Snufkin really did feel the same as him and his way of dealing with it just ended up hurting them both, but he didn't know any better. He could see that Snufkin was denying the fact that he also needed relationships to be happy and that he wasn't allowing himself to consciously miss his loved ones, resulting in the confusion and conflicting feelings that hurt him so much.
It was so overwhelming to Snufkin because he was not used to it, had always kept enough distance from everyone he had met to be able to leave them without a second thought, and now he didn't know what to do with himself. So Moomin had told him to seek him out and talk to him whenever the feeling was becoming too much. He had told him that bottling it up and not dealing with it at all was not healthy as it would only become more painful the longer he left it alone.
It had become evident that Snufkin did not feel trapped because of other people's company, but because he used the idea of solitude to cage himself, to keep himself from being with his loved ones, even when he desired it so much, because he feared it would result in him losing his precious freedom. He caged himself before anyone else could without realizing it
One night, when Snufkin was in a particularly bad state, his eyes rimmed red and his hat discarded to the side, Moomin had found him on the bridge, on their bridge, looking down into the flowing water of the river and trembling with cold and loneliness. So he had sat down beside his dear friend wordlessly and reached out to hold his paw. Snufkin had not spoken, had just turned his head to look at Moomin with his cheeks glistening wet in the moonlight and something meaningful behind his gaze.
That night, Moomin had kissed Snufkin for the first time.
They hadn't talked about it after that night. They didn't need to, understood the meaning without the proper words to voice it.
It was okay.