Work Text:
Only because chaann asked so nicely.
Warning: this chapter contains Hidan and a lame end
Genre: Romance/Humor
Rated: T/M
Word Count: 3219
Naruto © Kishimoto
Story © Happii Haden
Deidara groaned as he threw himself onto his bed. It was a nice Saturday afternoon and he had nothing better to do. The blond had slept all morning and when he woke up, he texted his lover to see if they could do anything. This proved to be useless. Apparently, Sasori had promised his kids that he’d spend the day with all of them. He invited the blond to come along, but the younger declined. Deidara didn’t want to intrude even if he was welcomed - it just didn’t sit right with him. He wasn’t the only person in Sasori’s life after all. The man had kids he had to take care of and love. Deidara refused to be a selfish lover.
Outside the room, the blond could hear the faint sounds of yelling growing closer. He sighed as he knew what was to come. He could just barely make out some of the rambling.
“Fuck you! … No! Fuck you, you asshole!” Angry stomping and cursing. Then… “See if I let you fuck this ass again, piece of shit!” They were closer to the door. There was a crash of what may have been a table or chair from the hall and then the door swung open. “And you can eat a fucking sandpaper dildo!”
“Good morning, Hidan,” Deidara sighed as the silver haired male slammed the door shut.
The cranky male looked over at his roommate with an annoyed look. “It’s the middle of the damn afternoon, blondie.”
“Whatever,” the blond mumbled and rolled onto his stomach. “How was the club, un?”
Hidan groaned and started stripping off his clothes in front of the blond, not really caring if he saw anything. Once naked, he began looking around for something vaguely clean to wear. “Absolute shit,” he huffed. “Even getting to the club was hell! I had to fucking blow some guy for a ride, but like he had the micro-est of micropenises. It seriously sucked.”
Deidara snorted in laughter, “Literally.”
His albino roommate glared at him for a moment then proceeded to sniff articles of clothing. “Anyways, I finally get to the damn place and it’s hella packed.”
“It was a Friday night, what’d you expect?”
“Shut up,” Hidan huffed. He finally found some clean pants and just slid them on. “So I eventually get in, but the place was crowded with stupid couples! Can you believe that shit!? Fucking couples! How am I supposed to get a decent lay if everyone is already together?”
Deidara chuckled and shook his head, “Sounds rough.”
Hidan made a sound of exclamation as he finally found his loose fitting shirt. It was kinda smelly though. Eh, nothing a little cologne couldn’t fix. “So, I just linger around the bar and have some shitty drinks, cause I’m broke as fuck.Then finally my night is made - this guy starts buying me drinks. The expensive ones, like top shelf ones.”
“Then he starts flirting with you and he takes you back home, un,” the blond continued for him.
“Exactly,” the albino nodded. “Turns out he’s a fucking student here too. Lives down the damn hall for Jashin’s sake! Anyways, we totally fucked, but he was such a little bitch about it. Kept complaining about how he didn’t want to be bottom, so I let him top. We’re just about to go when he starts bitching about how the position was uncomfortable. We had to switch position about seven times before he finally even did anything.”
Deidara laughed and sat up, interested in his friend’s tale. “What position?”
“The lamest one.”
“Missionary?”
Hidan rolled his eyes, “Ugh, yes. He wasn’t into any of my kinks. It was seriously the lamest fuck ever.” Dousing himself in cologne he turned to his friend. “Then he had the balls this morning to tell me that I was fucking ugly and he couldn’t believe he fucked me. Like, seriously bitch? I only had sex with him, cause he bought me drinks. He wasn’t even remotely attractive.”
The blond covered the lower half of his face to avoid choking on the overwhelming smell of Axe. Reaching over to his bedside table, he switched on the fan. “I keep telling you, Hidan. If you want to find someone super into you, you should probably look into actually dating. Why not start using grindr again, un? I mean look where it landed me.”
Hidan snorted, “Yeah right. I don’t want to date an old man with five kids.”
Deidara pouted and crossed his arms in offense. “First off, Sasori isn’t an old man and secondly, he only has three. You just don’t know what you’re missing out on. DILFs are totally in.”
“Oh yeah? What’s so great about them, huh?” Hidan said jabbing a finger at the blond. “Tell me all about the magical world of dating a dad.”
The blond grinned, “Gladly. First of all, daddy kink . Mm yes, Deidara likey very much.”
Hidan rolled his eyes, “You’re so weird.”
“Secondly, DILFs are everything college boys aren’t. They’re real men . They don’t have time to be playing games. Dating a DILF means no more fuckboys, un. If you had slept with a DILF last night, he would’ve treated you right. They’re mature and smart. Even if he decided he didn’t want to see you again, you wouldn’t even be mad about it.”
“Sounds boring, to be honest.”
Deidara stuck his tongue out. “They’re a lot more attractive than college guys too. More than physically attractive, un. They know what they like and are experienced, but they aren’t afraid to explore. Before getting with me, Sasori didn’t even know what roleplaying was. Let me tell you,” the blond laughed as if he was recalling a funny memory, “he’s way too into it now. Like, he gets really into it. Although, I’m still working on the daddy thing. I’ll get him to spank me yet,” he sighed.
“Gross.”
“Look, dating a dad honestly is great. His kids are great and… they make me feel like family.” Deidara smiled fondly.
Hidan pursed his lips, “Kids are too much work. Why the hell would you want to raise kids anyways? You’re only nineteen. Do you really wanna play mommy for these kids?”
Deidara frowned, “It’s not like that. I’m not their mother, nor will I ever be. I know that and they do too.”
The albino rolled his eyes lazily. “Yeah, whatever. This conversation is getting boring as shit. Let’s do something instead.”
The blond pouted, “Fine. What do you wanna do then?”
“I don’t fucking know. Let’s go to the mall or some shit. I need to buy some new tanks anyways.”
“Oh! We can get froyo on the way, un! I have coupons!” The blond exclaimed excitedly. “I’ll drive!”
Hidan snorted, “You’re the only with a car, dumbass.”
Sticking his tongue out, Deidara blew a raspberry in his roommate’s face before snatching some clean clothes and running into the bathroom. He narrowly avoided a tackle from an ex-football player. Turns out he didn’t need to hang out with Sasori after all. He had a friend instead. Yeah! He could easily spend a day without his lover.
Since it was a Saturday, the mall was filled to the brim with people. While the roommates didn’t live in a very big city, the only thing to do in the city - besides bowling or a movie - was to go to the mall. It was after getting some frozen yogurt, that they pushed past the sea of people and tried to shop.
“For Jashin’s sake, did everyone and their mother come today?”
Deidara rolled his eyes and avoided bumping into another person. “It’s Saturday, so yes everyone and their mother is here.”
Hidan groaned. He nearly pushed someone into a nearby wall, but held back. He led his friend through the maze of people and took him to a store. “I need to buy a new one and hey - maybe you could get something for you and your old man can play with.”
The blond felt his face turn a bright red as they entered the department. Deidara was no blushing virgin, but a sex toy shop was new for him. He had never used a toy on himself. Although, he wondered if Sasori would be into it.
“C’mon blondie, you aren’t a chicken are you?”
Deidara sighed and took his first steps into the shop. Do this for Hidan and then they could do some actual shopping. “Fine. What do you even need, un?” He asked under his breath. Avoiding the gaze of other shoppers and store clerks, he ran up to his friend and tried to seem disinterested.
“Something to keep myself entertained,” the albino shrugged. “Now that you got a boyfriend, I get all lonely at night. Nobody to keep me company,” he sighed sadly.
The blond let out a small laugh. “Maybe you should get a boyfriend too. Hell, maybe even a girlfriend if you want.”
Hidan gave his own kind of pout. It was a look of constipation and a cranky grandpa. A constipated, cranky grandpa. “How am I gonna find a lady who would want to bone me sometime?”
“I’m sure there is someone out there.” Deidara patted his friend on the back.
After Hidan found something satisfying, he was dragged to a rather cutesy store which made him gag and want to puke. He followed his friend straight to the underwear rack, just ignoring the odd stares. He certainly didn’t look like he belonged in this kind of store, but Deidara certainly did. “Why this place? Everyone probably thinks I’m your punk boyfriend.”
Deidara laughed and brushed him off. “And I had to look like your innocent girlfriend back at the other store.” He held up a pair of underwear, “What does this say to you?”
Hidan gave him a blank stare, “Blonde slut?”
The blond puffed his cheek and put the silky fabric back. “What underwear would you choose then?”
The albino raised an eyebrow and began to sift through the panties. Surprisingly he found himself finding one’s he liked. “Hey… how do you know what size to get?”
The blond looked at his friend in shock before joyously helping him out. “Oh my gosh! We can be panty buddies, un!” He immediately began pulling out several different colors which he described as being “his shade” and overwhelmed the poor, curious Hidan.
It took nearly the rest of the day, but Deidara and Hidan had managed to finish shopping. Hidan announced soon after that they needed to eat, because like any other college boy, he was starving. Deidara, who was getting pretty hungry himself, agreed and followed the albino to the food court.
“You seriously know how to wear a guy out, blondie,” Hidan sighed as he sat down with a food tray in hand.
Deidara gave a lazy smirk, “And we didn’t even have sex.”
Hidan chortled as he shovelled food in his mouth. At the sound of shrieking children from behind him, the albino cringed. “This is why I hate kids,” he hissed. “Too damn loud.” He turned around in his chair and glared back at the carousel some tables behind them. Glaring all around at this kids, his eyes swept over the area before settling on the most perfect ass - even better than his own! He checked the male up and down and waited for him to rise to his full height. Hidan was nearly drooling. Then he saw that the guy had a little brat with him. As much as he wanted to cringe and say the guy wasn’t attractive, but damn... “Dei… oh, fuck me! Dei!” The albino whipped around and grabbed the blond’s attention. “I think I get what you mean! I think I find a dad attractive, dear Jashin, help me.”
The blond sputtered in laughter. “Oh? Point him out! What’s he look like?”
Hidan leaned out of the way and pointed discreetly. “You see the dark skinned guy with the dark hair.”
“Oo, the one with the green eyes,” Deidara grinned.
“Yeah, him. Right next to him. To the left.”
Deidara blinked in surprised and look over like instructed. At the sight, he was even more surprised.
“He has the most perfect ass, am I right?”
The blond laughed, “Uh, yeah.”
“I’d totally tap that,” he grinned. “Man, Dei, how’d you do it? Should I just go up there and flirt the guy up. I mean, I don’t look like a little kid like you.”
Deidara rolled his eyes, “How do you even know he’s gay?”
“Do you see those dad jeans? They’re like gay dad jeans. Too tight to be regular dad jeans and - holy shit that package.”
The blond had to bite his lip to hold back the laughter. “Wow, Hidan. I’ve never seen you so into a guy.”
Hidan sighed, “Maybe I should approach him?”
Immediately the blond felt threatened. There was no reason to, but his jealous bitch side took over. “I don’t think so, un.”
“Huh?” The albino scrunched his face up in confusion. “What do you fucking mean ‘I don’t think so, un.’ ?”
Deidara shrugged, acting like he couldn’t care. “You’re not his type.”
Hidan clicked his tongue, “Like you’d fucking know!”
“I do! I can tell! He likes them cute, not brutish, un.”
The albino crossed his arms, “Oh yeah? Fucking prove it.” Hidan smirked, “Go up there and put the moves on the guy.”
Deidara stood up with a huff and a snarky smirk. “I will.” Flipping his hair out like the sassy bitch he was, the blond strode up to the DILF with confidence.
Hidan watched from afar, eyes squinting in concentration. The blond approached the dad and smiled all pretty up at him. A smile that usually got the blond free drinks at the club - Hidan needed to work on his own. The older man looked confused before Deidara grabbed the man by his face and pulled him to a kiss. The albino was shocked for a lack of better words.
With what seemed to be a triumphant smirk, the blond bounced over to Hidan proudly.
“What the fuck was that!?” Hidan yelled, alerting the people around them. He didn’t even mind the mothers scowling and ushering their children away.
Deidara licked his lips, “A kiss, un. I smooth talked him and then gave him a quick smooch.”
“I saw that. You only talked to him for like a fucking second!” Hidan couldn’t help, but laugh, “But this means you cheated on your current daddy with another one! HA, jokes on you, blondie!”
The blond rolled his eyes and was about to retort with a sassy quip when his friend pointed in surprise.
“He’s coming back over here!”
Deidara snickered, “It’s rude to point, Hidan. Let him come over here, un. Bet he just wants another kiss.” He stuck out his tongue. “Told you that you weren’t his type.”
“You-”
“Brat,” the older man sighed as he reached the table, “what was that all about? Gaara got excited when he saw you and then started to cry his eyes out when you ran back.”
Deidara gasped and stood up from his chair, “Awh, shit. I’m sorry, Danna! I didn’t mean to make him cry.”
Hidan squinted at the pair. “Brat… Danna…?” It took him a moment to process the info. Deidara often referred to his old man lover as Danna… What was his real name again? Sassy? Saucy? Saki? Didn’t matter, he decided. Deidara was a slut for not showing him this guy earlier! “You slut, Dei!”
The blond turned in surprise, “Huh?”
Sasori glared harshly at the albino.
“You…” Realization hit Hidan. Deidara totally played him with this guy. “You fucking slut! You pulled the damned blanket over my head!”
Deidara shook his head with a laugh, “What? That’s not the expression at all-”
“Like I give a fuck! What the hell? I thought we were besties!”
The redhead pursed his lips, “Is this the guy who you played that dick pic game with?”
Hidan gasped, “You told him about me. Blondie, I’m touched.”
Deidara rubbed the back of his neck. “Ah, yeah. You never got to meet him, Danna. This is Hidan, my best friend. Hidan, this is Sasori, un.”
Sasori stuck out his hand, expression still cross. “Nice to meet you.” His grip, as they shook, tightened to the point his knuckles went white and Hidan’s fingers popped. It was only a few seconds, but the redhead meant to get his point across. “Hey, Dei, would you mind coming with me to see Gaara. He’s still upset.”
Deidara nodded, “You don’t mind, do you Hidan?”
The albino grinned, “Go ahead, blondie.”
The blond smiled and kissed the redhead quickly and raced over to the carousel.
Suddenly, Hidan was shaken as a hand slammed itself on the table. He looked up to see the most sexiest glare of his life. The redhead was pissed and Hidan finally understood why Deidara was into older men. They had this fire in them, better than any boy.
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t call him a slut. I don’t care if you’re joking or not.”
Hidan chuckled, “My bad, man, but you have to admit, he can be a total bitch sometimes.”
The glare intensified, sending chills down Hidan’s spine. “Listen up, you little punk. I don’t like you. I know you and Deidara are roommates and “best friends”, but if you put him in any danger or get him in any trouble I will personally kick your ass,” the redhead growled protectively.
“Sasori, the kiddos say they want to go home now,” Deidara stated as he approached the two with a small Gaara in his arms. “And how come you’re still over here? Hidan, are you still thinking about putting the moves on him?”
Before Sasori could say anything, Hidan interrupted him with a laugh. “Nah, firecrotch over here was just telling me about what a good boyfriend you were.”
“Awh, Danna, you’re too sweet,” Deidara smiled, believing the albino. “I’m glad you two are getting along, I was worried Hidan’s personality would be too much. Ah, this is the best!”
Sasori smiled a tense smile and glanced over his beaming lover. His sight then shifted to the albino punk. The kid had the balls to grin happily at him. The redhead felt his eye twitch.
“I’ll come by later tonight, un,” Deidara said as he handed Gaara over to his father. “I have to take Hidan back.” He gave Sasori one last kiss before nudging his friend to get up.
The albino smirked and wrapped an arm around the blond, giving his shoulder a good squeeze. “Don’t worry, Saucy. Deidara’s in good hands with his best friend.” Turning them around, he led Deidara away, the blond waving goodbye eagerly behind them.
Sasori stood with his kid, facial expression set on irritated. From behind him, Kankuro whistled and chuckled, “Looks like you got some competition, pops.” The redhead slowly turned to look at his son. “Kankuro…”
“Yeah…?”
“You’re not helping,” He snapped. “Let’s go.” Rushing ahead, Sasori left his two older siblings behind in his dust carrying his youngest son like he was nothing more than a shopping bag.
Kankuro and Temari couldn’t help but laugh. Life was about to get even more interesting.