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It’s been a week since I’ve last seen you.
It’s been a week since you told me that you would see me soon.
But you lied.
My eyes searched for you as I we all arrived back. I was so excited to look into your eyes and see how they would light up as you saw us all holding the stones. It only succeeded because of you. You were willing to hold us together through anything, and if it weren’t for you holding out hope for the last five years, none of it would have happened if it weren’t for you. I was waiting to tell you. I was waiting for you to come back so that I could tell you. But you didn’t come back.
You didn’t come back.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with Clint and Laura and the kids lately, because I know that’s exactly what you would be doing if you were here. They keep asking me where auntie Nat is and I don’t know how to tell them. I don’t know how to tell them when I can hardly even process it myself.
I try my best to put on my most convincing smile. I get up everyday and go for a jog. I eat breakfast and lunch and dinner because I know that’s what you would want, but even that’s getting harder and harder. It hurts every time I remember the last time I saw you. How excited and optimistic you were then. Your eyes were sparkling and your smile pure.
I’m still trying to convince my brain of the fact that you’re gone, that you’re not coming back. It keeps trying convince itself that you’re probably just in hiding. Maybe you’re on a mission and you’ll come back when the time is right. At least that’s what I try to tell myself.
Because the truth is, I don’t want to accept that you’re gone. I can’t.
For all that I’ve lost in life, I never thought I would lose you too. You were supposed to be the one who would survive. Of all the people I thought I would lose, I never thought that it would be you that I would lose.
I couldn’t even imagine losing you. I can’t imagine losing you.
I wonder if you knew that I loved you. I’m sure that you knew that I loved you like I did the others, but I wonder if you knew that I loved you so much more.
I loved you even though I knew I shouldn’t. I loved you even though I knew I didn’t deserve you. I loved you even though it broke my heart to sometimes. I loved you more than anything.
I love you.
I love you still.
I love you even though you were stupid enough to throw yourself off of that cliff. I love you even though I hate you right now.
I hate that you were stupid enough to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. And I know that means absolutely nothing come from me. I know. I know. I know that you would yell at me right now if you were still here. But you’re not here. You’re not here. And I hate you for that.
I hate that you left without even saying goodbye. Without letting me say goodbye.
For making me say goodbye.
But you know what I hate most of all? I hate that you’re gone and that there’s nothing I can do to bring you back.
The world is saved, but why can’t I feel anything? Why does it feel like I’m the one that scarified everything for nothing?
Why does it feel like it was all for nothing in the end?