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They're surprised when they see you're a different shape, unkempt. They show worry. They're uncomfortable and they make jokes because they don't know what else to do.
It's not nice, but you get it. You get it because you do the same thing to yourself every day.
They don't know how to help. They can't even figure out how to deal with their own damned issues, how in Hel can they expect to know how to deal with yours?
You are used to hearing these things on the inside. The cracks about your gut. Melted ice cream, indeed. You know you look as shitty as you feel, and you remind yourself of that too often for your own good. Hearing it from other voices, though, that startles you. It's been so long that it's been only your own voice in your head or a careful silence from others—people had clearly decided you aren't worth saying anything about at all. Until now.
It's not nice. It's not empowering, nothing like that. But it shakes you, just a little. Sparks a bit in your blood, sends a small tremor of thunder down your spine.
And so, you set your jaw and you look at the ones who don't tiptoe at least, that tell you that you're supposed to be better. And you want to be. You just didn't know how, and now they're here to show you there's a way.
So, you go.
It isn't easy. There are more stares and there's more surprise, and then there are new people who only knew you from stories and there's that look on their face like, like you aren't who you're supposed to be. You nod, you agree. You're not, but at least it's not just all in your head anymore.
You thought you'd be fine, revisiting the past, but then she's there and you didn't realize just how much you missed her (and you knew you missed her so much), and you're frozen.
And then, your mother tells you not to worry about who you're supposed to be. To instead just be who you are.
And. Oh. Is that not the particular crack of a lightning bolt you've been waiting for your entire life?
In that moment you stop seeing yourself as fat, depressed, on the edge of a panic attack. It's not that you aren't, you just don't see it anymore. You just see who you are, who you truly are right now, in this moment, and what you are still capable of achieving.
You feel a glow within you, one you haven't felt in five years—five years—and on instinct you stick out your hand. There's a beat, and suddenly you're terrified, because what if....
Then you relax, because so what if you're terrified right now? That is who you are, and that is all that matters.
When the handle hits your palm and you wrap your fingers around it, and you feel yourself, you're really feeling yourself, and it's you, as you are right now, and that's all you need to know the truth.
I'm still worthy.
Who you are will change, you won't always end up where you expected, but through it all, you are you.
And I. Am. Worthy.