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Vormir - 2014
He was holding on to the stone like a lifeline. Clint said "a soul for a soul". This was Nat's gem. He almost didn't want to put it back.
He was ashamed to admit, deep inside, he wished he could have taken Tony's place. And it's a shameful thought. Because it sounds noble, but in his mind, he was really just being selfish. Death would have been such a release.
He wasn't a religious man, not anymore, but right now his heart was hurting, and he needed the relief of that something more. It was too much to bear and he hoped that at least, Nat and Tony had each other, somewhere, in a place made for souls as good as theirs. Maybe if he had died, he wouldn't have had to part with her too. Maybe.
He was tired, deep in his bones. Putting the other stones back hadn't been an easy feat but he managed. Spy work wasn't always his strong suit, but...
"First rule of going on the run is, don’t run, walk."
Vormir should have been the easy one. It was quiet, peaceful almost.
But it was anything but easy.
He put one foot in front of the other because he was a man of duty. And if anything, he had a duty to Natasha.
To bring her home.
Even though he was trembling at the idea of seeing her eyes lifeless.
Even though he still expected her to appear from around the corner.
He tightened his fist around the stone because this was the last thing. She gave her life for this. This tiny thing that could never deserve such high a price. Not in his eyes.
"See you in a minute."
He wonders as he climbs the stony mountain, if she had known.
Natasha always knew. She was always ten steps ahead.
The climb is easy for his enhanced muscles. He wanted to be the one to go with her, but she chose Clint.
"You can work it out without me Rogers. Besides, someone has to keep those three in line. And that someone is not Clint."
He stops there, halfway up. He's almost there. He takes the time to look around and he has to admit, it's a beautiful sight.
"Where else am I gonna get a view like this?"
His emotions overwhelm him and he's alone. He's breathing fast and he tries to sit down. He's restless. There's nothing to take it out on. He hits his fist on the mountain. Some of the rocks break, falling down the side of the cliff.
It should have been him.
Clint had his family. Natasha had to lead the Avengers and besides, she was Nat.
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, fighting off tears.
She wouldn't have been able to hold him back. He would have never let her do this. Never. Not in a million years. He was a man out of time. He only had her.
She knew.
"Goddamn it Nat. Goddamn it..."
Impossible as it seems he managed to get up. Put one foot in front of the other.
He reaches the top.
"Welcome Steven. Son of Sarah."
Clint had warned him but it wasn't enough. Not when Steve was in such a state. Not when Natasha died here. When the Red Skull was guarding this place. But he couldn't fight his way out of this so he went straight to business.
"You know why I'm here?" he asks, looking him in the eye.
The Red Skull appears unemotional as he replies, "It is my curse to know all who journey here, the purpose is always one."
Steve doesn't have the patience for this, "Where is she? Where is Natasha? I came to take her back."
"I thought time would have made you wiser Captain. The price of the stone is high. You wield its power now, but the sacrifice cannot be undone."
Steve grits his teeth. "I never wanted this. Never. I never wanted power. I never cared for the stones. I came here to return it."
"Return it?"
Steve puts his hand out, opens his fist and the stone shines brightly.
"I see. Follow me then."
They climb higher. The wind scratches against his face and he is thankful for the pain. He's almost there.
When he sees the edge he stumbles. Oh Nat.
His throat is closed, and he has to try twice to get the words out.
"Is she... Is she down there?"
"I'm afraid your friend has departed from the physical world Captain. She gave her soul to the stone, therefore the stone holds her now."
He shakes his head in denial. How can this be.
"That can't be right. She fell, I know she did, down that cliff, she fell..."
She jumped. Fearless.
"You can look for yourself Captain, there is nothing to see."
He moves slowly closer to the edge and looks down.
There's nothing there.
Steve moves back and he has to hold himself against the wall now. As hard as it would have been to get her back, this was so much worst. He would never say good bye.
"See you in a minute."
"There must be something, something that remains, she can't have just disappeared!"
"As I have said, her soul rests in the stone."
Steve shakes his head, looking at the tiny gem in frustration. Can this be it?
The reality of the situation hits him hard. There's nothing left for him to fight for. He failed her. The thought is his breaking point.
"Tell me there's something! Anything! I have nothing left, I don't want this stone! Tell me I can bring her home!"
"I'm afraid you have found yourself in a peculiar situation Captain. The stone has a high price, it has never been returned willingly. I don't know what will happen to your friend's soul, if you put it back."
Steve's eyes open wide at this. "What do you mean you don't know what will happen to her?"
"A soul for a soul, to gain the power of the stone. You surrender that power, I know not what will happen to the soul that was sacrificed."
"Well if it's a soul for a soul take mine! Take mine and let her return."
"That I'm afraid is not possible. You will have to take a risk Captain. Put the stone back, and see what happens. Or keep it, and turn back."
Steve shakes his head. He can't do this. He gets desperate. "What is my worst case scenario here? What if her soul leaves the stone, what happens then?"
"It might go where all souls go, or it may not. I am not one to know either way, or one to decide. You need to have faith Captain."
Steve looks away from him. He walks back near the edge again. The stone shines brightly here. It's not much of a choice really. He closes his fist around it and holds it against his face.
Please let her be in peace at least. I'm so sorry Nat. I wanted to take you home.
He lets the tears run freely now as he releases the gem and watches it float away. The light is blinding and he puts his hands against his eyes. He loses the ground from under his feet.
He comes to with a gasp. He's in a pond, he can see the mountain he spent hours climbing across from him. He's wet to his bones. He looks around, disoriented, tries to see what has changed. Nothing. He doesn't have the stone anymore but other than that, it's as if nothing happened.
But he hears a gasp.
His head whips around and his heart stops. Because right there, across from him, looking just as confused as he is, is Natasha.
He hears a sob and he's pretty sure it comes from him, because she turns towards him and her eyes grow.
"...Steve?"
He moves fast, faster than he's ever moved. If this is an illusion it's the sweetest one he could ever have, and when he gathers her into his arms he holds her as tight as possible because this might be their last chance.
He doesn't know.
All he knows is that he has picked her off the ground and words are tumbling out of his mouth. "I'm sorry Nat. We won, we did it, thanks to you, we did it. I thought I would never see you again, God, how could you pull such an awful trick."
He is so thankful he can feel her. The strong muscles of her back, the dampness of her eyes and her warm breath against his neck, where her lips are pressed in between words.
"I'm so glad Steve, so glad but I don't understand. How can we be here?"
The confused look in her eyes as she tries to face him registers, but he can't stop himself now, he peppers her face with kisses because if this is all the time that they have, he has to let her know.
"Did you think I would not come back for you?! How could you not know, God Tasha, how could you think that you should be the one to take on this burden, how could you not know how much you're worth. Clint came back without you. Without you, Natasha."
He holds her forehead against him and tries to make this last. She shakes her head and smiles sadly, holding her palm against his face.
"I'm... I knew what needed to be done. Steve, I wanted that to be the end, if one of us had to die, it could only be me... I thought, maybe this will be enough. And as I was falling, it was. I had done all I could. And it had to be enough. And it was enough."
He shakes his head again, takes her hand between his and looks her in the eye. "It was always enough Nat. Every day of your life you fought. Everyday you stood up and fought. It wasn't worth your life. Nothing deserves such high a price."
And as they look at each other now, both worn down from such strong emotions, from such a long fight, now that they think they have no time left they lean in together and kiss. Softly at first, tentatively, worrying about how much of this connection fate will allow them. But as they remain holding on to each other tightly, the kiss turns to a wild passionate thing that takes over them both until they can no longer tell where the one ends and the other begins.
Time must be passing because by the time they pull away they're both out of breath and the colour on their cheeks is high. Steve holds Natasha's face between his hands and he can't believe it. It has to be real. He laughs maniacally and hugs her close, so close.
"Steve, do you think... I mean... I feel alive Steve, but, I fell."
Steve shakes his head in wonderment. "Red Skull said, the stone needed a sacrifice. But I brought the stone back."
Natasha was still confused. "But I was dead."
"There was nothing left." He shook his head, he didn't want to think of it. He put her hand on his chest, and she put his on hers.
She smiled at him mischievously. "Your heart is beating quite fast for a fossil Rogers."
"Well, I don't get the love of my life back from the dead every day."
Her eyes well up and she moves her hand to cup his cheek, her smile turning sweet.
"Do you think... Can we go home?"
He panics as he lets go and searches his suit. Yes! There's enough of Pym's tech to take them both back. He still looks her over in worry as they get up and prepare themselves. Holding her hand is not enough. He puts both arms around her waist as he times the equipment. He's so worried about this. "Don't let go."
She tightens her arms around him, looking at him with understanding. "I won't, promise."
To say the others were surprised would be an understatement.
There's tons of hugs and even more tears. Natasha sees Sam and they jump at each other, gasping and crying from joy for once.
Steve stands back and smiles as the team and later the world celebrates the return of their hero. As the Avengers cherish the return of their leader. He wonders if she understands now, as they all rush to her from all over the world, just how valuable to all of them she is.
Clint arrives just a few hours after they've returned. The both run at each other and hold each other for hours. Clint swears he will never forgive her. Nat says he's an idiot but her voice is broken from the tears.
Natasha sheds a lot of tears for Tony. She's angry, because it isn't right. But none of it was right. He sees her kneeling at the grave, swearing she will do everything for Morgan. How he shouldn't worry because she's his and Pepper's daughter and she will one day rule the world. Steve understands, and lets her make her vows. They all did.
They haven't forgotten their duties to the team. But there is lots of understanding all around, and Okoye's eyes smile when Nat says she needs to take a few days.
"Coming back from the dead can take its toll. There is a lot of that going around now. Rest, Nat."
And so they do. They spend all of their days in bed, and there is some rest here and there. Of course Nat wants to see how the world has changed, what hasn't changed but he doesn't let her dwell on their problems for long, and he has found a good way to distract her now.
They need to come to terms with so many things. Steve can't leave her out of his sight for one. He's so afraid she will vanish, like a hopeless dream. He manages to grow out of it but not entirely, he worries. He spends countless hours at night watching her sleep. She often opens her eyes when he does that, because she's Natasha, she senses these things, and comforts him. As if he is the one who came back from the dead.
He tells her one night. They are tangled under the sheets, one soul in two halves, and he has to tell her.
"I wouldn't have returned. If I hadn't found you, I would have stayed in the past."
She turns at him, serious now. "What do you mean."
"There was nothing left Nat. Tony was gone but, we all know Morgan is in more than good hands. There was nothing I could do for the team, I would never see eye to eye with the powers that are. Everyone had a place. I only ever found my place in this world thanks to you. Without you, I'm just an old man. Cranky and forgotten."
Natasha shook her head. "That's not true. The world will always need you. You're a stubborn idiot Rogers but no other man has your heart. Or your soul. It's what makes you so goddamn irresistible. Well, that and your butt."
They have a laugh with that and the mood turns playful and then passionate, as that horrible thought of a world without her flies away from his mind, now that Natasha is alive and well in his arms.
On the anniversary of the date they saved the Universe, he's happy to be the one escorting her to the forefront, the hero who gave her all for others. His heart constricts at the thought of being here without her, but then her small speech ends, the applause eventually dies down, and she's pulling him to the dance floor.
How could he ever refuse.