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Spring hadn’t come just yet, winter’s breath still thick on the wind. The train station was deserted, since most of the students were probably home, and the workers – counting the last minutes of their workday before they can finally go home.
Miyuki zipped his jacket up, then shoved his hands deep into his pockets. Sun was long gone, now the merciless cold wind could take over Tokyo. To keep himself warm, Miyuki was walking around the station, staring at the dark sky. Darkness wasn’t bothering him, neither did the fluttering light, but silence, on the other hand, was a completely different thing.
The last two years he didn’t have a single moment of rest. More than once he’d wished for a place just for him and the silence. Away from all his noisy teammates and all his troubles. But now when he finally got the so awaited silence, he was feeling nothing but empty. Empty and lonely, lost in feelings he hadn’t felt for a long time. Maybe since middle school when he was misunderstood and pushed away by the other boys. A bitter smile found its way to his face. Despite all rocks in his path he kept going, grew up, found his place and his happiness. And here he was again, back to the start line – alone and heavyhearted.
A silent sigh escaped his lips as he looked up at the black countdown clock. Time was passing way too slowly, proof of that were the bright orange numbers, showing exactly 8:40PM and 20 more minutes for his train to finally arrive. Only quarter-hour had passed since he stepped on the platform, nevertheless it felt like eternity. While he was looking at the bright numbers on the clock, their orange colour brought him back to a place and time he’d never forget. It revived the memories of a warm spring and two eyes that left him breathless.
***
While their team was getting ready to leave, the last sunrays were dying over Koshien. The spring invitational was over for Seido, thanks to their loss to Komadai Fujimaki. That day, Masamune Hongo the terrifying, monster pitcher whom they had to face, won the duel against their monster rookie Furuya fair and square, getting a step closer to the national title.
Unnatural silence had fallen upon Seido. All were lost in thoughts, clinging desperately to the small hope that they could come back to this stadium that same summer.
“They let you take some Koshien dirt home, right?” Sawamura’s voice brought him back to reality and made Miyuki look at him. He could hear his voice crack, see how he’d lowered his head looking straight at his feet, while he clenched his fists. But there was something in the way Sawamura avoided their look that was telling him the latter hadn’t given up yet.
“Still want some?” Miyuki asked with a smile, no tease in his voice. He could feel and strongly believed that after this moment Sawamura would come back stronger.
As if he was waiting his captain’s reply while he remained absolutely deaf to all the other comments, Sawamura dropped his bag on the ground, “I need to do something!”
Without even looking at any of them and clenching his teeth, he ran off with all his might. To Miyuki’s surprise, the latter’s destination wasn’t the mound, no, he was running right at the bullpen where he spent the whole game today. His fingers sunk in the dirt, then he grabbed some in his hand. That was when he finally looked up to the mound. There was no sight of that Sawamura who was congratulating the opponents on their victory. His face was cold and serious, his eyebrows – frowned, something Miyuki hadn’t seen at all. Sawamura was a completely different person. Yet, Miyuki’s attention was drawn by something else.
He was captured by his eyes and that mesmerizing colour. The sun, but also the lights of the stadium, was reflected in his beautiful golden eyes that were much darker, almost orange. That was the colour of a little flame, which was ready to turn into a devastating fire. Miyuki couldn’t look away, he just stood there in awe of his strong determination brought by a storm of fierce rage and frustration, while the young pitcher was still there, eyes fixed on the mound. His lips were pressed into a small line, but everything he was thinking was written all over his face, namely, ‘I will be back.’
Miyuki was sure about it, and he himself would help him fulfil this silent promise.
***
Miyuki clenched his fist and looked away. ‘Coward’ he thought as he struggled to keep all of his mixed emotions under control. After Koshien, he thought that there was plenty of time to play with Sawamura, to confess his feelings before the graduation. But as he postponed it over and over again, his year in Seido came to an end. That brought him here, on a deserted train station, completely alone, filled with feelings he couldn’t confess and all the frustration and regret. His lips curved into another bitter smile, and he hurried to hide his face into his scarf as the station agent passed him by. ‘You’re the most lily-livered poltroon, Miyuki Kazuya, and you deserve that pain.’ he repeated to himself.
A million memories from past days popped into his mind: a bright smile and loud laughter, that could turn into angry yell in no time, “Miyuki Kazuya!”. His name said with that voice always sent shivers and made his heart flutter. He remembered every detail, every little change in that intonation. He remembered that burning gaze when Sawamura was standing on the mound. The way he lifted his leg, the balance he kept so easily, the innate grace to every move he made and the hand moving as fast as a whip. All of that while his gaze was right and only on him. At moments like those when Miyuki was standing on home waiting to catch his pitch, he was feeling special. The bond they had; the mutual, unyielding trust was unique. As a catcher, he’d never felt like that before. He’d formed a battery with many pitchers, but Sawamura was one of a kind. When he met him for the first time, Miyuki couldn’t explain this rare feeling. ‘Magic’ he called it later. Because what they had between them was nothing but magical.
And it was over.
His heart throbbed painfully in his chest. He would never hear the loud pitcher during the morning practice. He’d never watch him as he grows and gets better. Sawamura would never follow him after dinner, having an annoying smile as he says with cheerful voice, “Miyuki Kazuya, catch for me!”
They’d never talk about their last game as Kuramochi plays on his videogame, their hands barely touching. He’d never steal a glance at Sawamura, when the pitcher isn’t looking at him. He’d never watch Sawamura sleep on his shoulder, tired of the long night. He’d never caress his cheek, avoiding Kuramochi’s annoyed and worried look, before leaving Sawamura with him and going back to his own room.
His time was over, and he’d never see Sawamura on the mound, right in front of him. Not after not saying a proper goodbye.
Miyuki left while practice hadn’t finished yet. The new team had one more hour before going back to the dorms. It looked like the right time for him. He hated the goodbyes, just because he didn’t know what to say or do to make it easier for everyone. Especially to Sawamura. He was afraid, he’d hurt him just to push him away. Miyuki knew better than anyone that he has a hard time expressing himself, mostly because his emotions often contradict what he says. That was why he chose to leave without a word. He’d rather live alone with the pain than hurting Sawamura. All he wanted was to embrace the loneliness and lick his wounds.
If he could only make the train go faster!
“Miyuki Kazuya!” even when he was looking at the dark, Tokyo sky, he could hear Sawamura’s voice. He’d fallen for him, that was for sure, and he didn’t want to deny it anymore.
“Miyuki Kazuya!” that sounded louder and closer. Rejecting the chance that he’d lost mind because of the cold, Miyuki turned around, just to see the oncoming dark figure. There, running full speed toward him, was Sawamura. For one moment, his heart just stopped.
Using his last bit of strength, Sawamura got to him and desperately grabbed his wrist, pulling Miyuki’s hand out of his pocket. The cold wind caressed his skin, but he couldn’t feel it. His skin was burning under Sawamura’s touch. The same Sawamura who was standing in front of him, his head down as tried to catch his breath. Miyuki wanted to touch his bangs, move his hair aside and see his eyes. But Miyuki’s train of thoughts was interrupted by the silent whisper between Sawamura’s deep breaths, “You’re still here.”
Again. His heart skipped a beat again, sending sparks through his body.
“Sawamura, why are you…”
“Why?” a single word escaped Sawamura’s mouth and turned into a stifled laugh, “Why didn’t you say goodbye? Am I that insignificant to you that I don’t even deserve a word or two before you leave?” his voice, slowly winding down, died in his throat, still, he looked up and there, in his eyes, aside from the tears, Miyuki could see another flame, he’d never seen before.
He felt his throat tighten, his mouth went dry. His words were barely fitting together right there in his mind, yet he had to explain, or at least try, “Don’t be silly! I couldn’t just walk in and stop your practice…”
“Bullshit!” Sawamura’s shout echoed across the empty station. His fingers – like a small prison – tightened up around Miyuki’s wrist, “You cannot lie to me, Miyuki Kazuya. We both know that you shouldn’t leave like this.”
“And how should I leave?” these words left his mouth before he could even think them over. The pain, which was slowly gnawing at him, poisoned his words, making them sound more tartly than he intended and his voice – husky and cold.
Despite that Sawamura didn’t twitch. Only the tears were shining as he was trying to hold them back.
“I’m not sure how, just not like this.” he said softly, and to Miyuki’s surprise, Sawamura took a step forward and rested his head on Miyuki’s shoulder.
Miyuki needed a few seconds to process it all. His mind was ticking like a time bomb, his body felt stiff and clumsy because of the surprise. He was wondering what to do when he felt Sawamura was pulling back.
Miyuki moved on instinct. His hand, resting peacefully in his pocket, now found itself on Sawamura’s waist and pulled him into a gentle embrace.
A small gasp came from Sawamura’s lips, but soon after that his hands found their way to Miyuki’s back, holding on tight on his jacket to stop him from changing his mind.
The warmth wrapped around Miyuki dimmed his mind and a new wave of love washed away the sadness in his heart. Sawamura’s scent lured him closer, and he buried his nose in the latter’s soft hair. Just the right moment to hear Sawamura’s soft whisper, “I don’t want to let you go.”
Miyuki’s heart was like a drum echoing in his ears, cutting off all other sounds. Confused and still scared of all the burning emotions fighting over his heart, Miyuki managed to say only, “Sawamura…”
“I know it’s stupid, but I can’t…” he stopped for a moment to take a breath before continuing, “I don’t want to form a battery with someone else. I want to play with you and only you. You are the reason for me to come to Seido. What’s the baseball without you?”
Miyuki moved both his hands on Sawamura’s waist and looked down at him. Now he was sure. He couldn’t leave him like this.
“Sawamura, look at me.” He whispered softly, but didn’t get a real answer. Sawamura just shook his head.
“Look at me.” Miyuki repeated a little louder, a little more insistently and ran his fingers through Sawamura’s hair.
Surprised by his gentle touch, Sawamura looked up and lock eyes with his. Miyuki needed a moment to calm himself down and suppress the sudden need to get closer and kiss him, forgetting about the world, about everything around them. But he couldn’t allow that. Not now. Not when the stupid, loud pitcher was in this state. So, he took a breath in and gave him a shy smile.
“What are you saying, Sawamura? Are you giving up? The Sawamura I know never gives up.” His fingers found the curve of his neck and travelled back up, cupping Sawamura’s cheek with one hand, “Go back to Koshien. Show me what you’ve learned, how much you’ve grown. Impress me then do what you’re best at.”
“What am I best at? What is it?” his question was lost in the sound of the approaching train, but since Miyuki was that close to him, he was able to catch it.
Without losing a second he came closer to his ear just to make sure that the idiot will hear his answer and most importantly – will understand it, “Follow me. Come to me. Let’s play together again.”
The train was already slowing down when Miyuki pulled back a little just to look at those surprised, golden eyes. Miyuki was lured by the slightly open lips and, without giving Sawamura a chance to recover, he covered the latter’s lips with his. Soft and warm, they were fitting perfectly, or so he thought. He wanted to have more time, but the train stopped, and he pulled back. Miyuki took his scarf off at the moment when the train’s doors opened, and he tied it around Sawamura’s neck. Taking a step back, he smirked, engraving that image into his mind - Sawamura’s big eyes looking at him in surprise, his red face burning, and his trembling hand around Miyuki’s warm scarf. His scarf. His Eijun.
Miyuki took a step back, getting on the train and stood next to the doors while the sound was announcing that they were going to close any time now.
Their eyes met once again, a moment before parting with a promise, which was going to keep them from breaking down.
“I will be waiting for you, Eijun.”