Steve woke up alone, the bed was warm, the room quiet and dark.
Ever since Thanos was defeated Steve had finally started sleeping a little better at night, that’s not to say there weren’t any nightmares anymore but they came a lot less often now.
The world was rebuilding, as it always had, this too would soon be nothing more than a page in the history books of humanity. A snap of a finger that changed everything and then put it back the way it was.
Well, sort of.
Steve sighed at the memory of those lost in the end. They managed to bring back billions of people, reunite so many families and lost friends, everyone would say that was a win, right? Totally worth the sacrifice.
But in Steve’s mind the cost had still been too high. We don’t trade lives. Yet at the very end of it there had been no other option.
He rose from the bed and let his hand run over his face with a deep sigh. He was awake now, and he knew when his thoughts started to drift of to Nat and Tony sleep wouldn’t come again that night.
He stepped out of the bedroom and decided to look for Bucky. Steve’d never even heard him get up but the spot in the bed next to him was so cold so it must have been a while ago.
After strolling through the hallway and the living room he finally found Bucky sitting on the balcony of Steve’s apartment.
They never actually talked living arrangements after everyone came back but it seemed only natural for Bucky to stay with Steve now, Wakanda had only been a temporary home and Bucky had expressed no desire to go back there after everything that happened.
“Hey.”
Steve’s voice made Bucky look up but the eye contact was short. Bucky immediately retreated and turned his back to Steve.
“You okay?” Steve moved closer to sit next to him.
“Nightmare,” Bucky mumbled.
Steve carefully placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder,” Do you wanna talk about…?”
“No,” Bucky cut him off and pushed Steve’s hand off his shoulder.
“Okay,” Steve moved back a little, giving him space.
It wasn’t like Bucky to refuse comfort after a nightmare, or to back away from physical contact with Steve.
He hadn’t done that in a long while, not since before Wakanda, so Bucky’s reaction came as a surprise to Steve.
“Do you want me to go and leave you alone for a bit?” Steve asked carefully.
”No, I don’t, but maybe that’s what you want,” Bucky snapped back at him.
If Steve wasn’t confused before he most definitely was now. He leaned back against the wall and just sat there next to Bucky, their arms almost touching but not quite, neither of them spoke for a while.
“I’m not leaving until you talk to me, Buck,” Steve finally broke the silence between them,”What happened in that dream?”
“You were an asshole, that’s what happened.”
Steve shook his head and smiled,”You can’t be angry at me for something I did in a dream, that’s ridiculous.”
“Oh yeah, watch me.”
The smile disappeared from Steve’s face as soon as he saw the depth of the anger in Bucky’s eyes.
“What did I do?” Steve asked again.
“It’s nothing,” Bucky shrugged and turned away,”I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Bucky, whatever you saw in that dream clearly upset you, talk to me about it, please.”
“You know what, maybe I do wanna be alone for a while,” Bucky sighed and stood up before Steve had a chance to stop him.
“Wait,” Steve begged and stood with him, reaching for his hand to stop him but Bucky pushed him away again,”Come on, Buck, what the hell…?”
“You left me!” Bucky finally spat out.
“What?” Steve looked at him with more confusion in his eyes.
“You left me,” Bucky repeated, a little calmer this time.
“How would I…?“
”You went back to put the stones back in place and you never came back,” Bucky cut him off,”You just…decided the past was better than the present.”
“That doesn’t sound like me.”
“But it was you,” Bucky threw back,”It was you and it was so real, Steve, it felt so fucking real.”
“Bucky, I would never do that to you, you know that,” Steve protested,”You know me, right? Does that sound like something I would do?”
Bucky looked at him and for the first time he didn’t look away but he sighed defeated,”It felt so real, so fucking real.”
Steve was careful when he moved closer, sensing there was more here that Bucky wasn’t telling him just yet. He softly placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder and this time Bucky let him.
“It was a dream, Buck, just a bad dream.”
“Yeah, I know that,” Bucky whispered,”But…”
He bit his lip and sighed before looking into Steve’s eyes again.
“I saw you dance with her,” Bucky then continued, his voice had started to shake,”You looked so happy, Stevie, I don’t even remember when I last saw you that happy…”
“Her?” Steve asked carefully.
“Peggy,” Bucky revealed,”You went back to be with Peggy.”
“Oh.”
Bucky looked away again, scared to even see Steve’s reaction to her name. Steve needed a few moments to let Bucky’s words sink in.
“Yeah,” Bucky sighed defeated.
“And you think that’s something I’d want?” Steve asked, realizing this was the real reason Bucky was so shaken up.
“Wouldn’t you?” Bucky asked,”I mean, you could now, you know. If you really wanted to you could do it…and it’s okay, I would understand if you did, I mean…I’d miss the fuck out of you but…she was the love of your life, I would understand, I would…”
“I have thought about it,” Steve interrupted him.
Bucky’s heart sank, he’d expected this answer yet it still hurt to actually hear Steve say it.
“Of course I’ve thought about it, Buck,” Steve continued softly,”It would be amazing to finally be able to have that dance with her, hold her again, talk to her again.”
Bucky wanted to run away right then and there, get as far away from Steve as he possibly could. He didn’t want to hear any of this but Steve kept his hand firmly on Bucky’s shoulder to hold him in place.
“I loved Peggy more than anything,” Steve spoke softly,”You know how much I loved her, Buck, but…she’s not the love of my life.”
Bucky looked up and Steve’s heart nearly broke into a million pieces seeing tears in Bucky’s eyes.
“My life is here,” Steve continued while carefully taking Bucky’s hand and bringing it up to his chest to hold it right next to his heart,”It’s here, with you, and I would never, ever, do anything to jeopardize that. Do you understand me?”
Bucky nodded and leaned into Steve’s touch.
Steve leaned in even closer, pressing his forehead to Bucky’s, thankful that he didn’t pull away this time but accepted Steve’s affection,“There is nowhere else I want to be than here with you, and the idea that you would believe I could do that to you…Bucky, seriously?”
Bucky smiled through his tears.
“I oughta kick your ass for even thinking that,” Steve added.
“Not if I kick your ass first, punk,” Bucky whispered and his lips curled up into a smile, warming Steve’s heart.
“Peggy is my past, Buck,” Steve continued, wanting to make sure there was not a single doubt left in Bucky’s mind after this conversation,”I left all that behind me a long time ago and I found something better.”
Steve cupped Bucky’s face with one hand and smiled,”I found a home here, a purpose, friends that became family, but most of all…I found you. Against all hope and against all logic I found you again after all those years, after thinking I’d lost you forever and that’s…it’s worth everything to me, Buck. Everything.”
Bucky smiled, letting Steve’s words wash over him like a balm to his soul, healing him word by word.
“I love you,” Steve added in a whisper before leaning in and kissing Bucky softly on the lips,”I’m so sorry for whatever I did or said to you in that dream. I love you, it’s always been you and it will always be you and if I need to remind you after every bad dream you have then I will, every single day, for the rest of our lives, okay?”
“Okay,” Bucky nodded.
“I can do this all day,” Steve then added with a smile curling on his lips,” Easily.”
Bucky laughed softly and then wrapped both arms around Steve’s neck and kissed him back.
Steve smiled into the kiss and pulled Bucky even closer.
They stood like that for a while, sharing hugs and kisses while the sun started to slowly come up behind them to welcome a new day.
“You believe me?” Steve whispered as he looked deep into Bucky’s eyes,”We’re cool now?”
“We’re cool,” Bucky nodded with a smile,”I believe you. And I love you too.”
They hugged again and when Bucky eventually leaned back Steve looked at him and gently wiped away the last tears from Bucky’s cheeks.
“You hungry?” Steve then asked.
“Starving. You gonna make me breakfast? I think I deserve that after the way you treated me,” Bucky teased and Steve poked him in the ribs, making them both laugh.
“Fine, I’ll cook you breakfast,” Steve caved and they left the balcony together and made their way to the hallway and the kitchen.
“You’re the best,” Bucky grinned,”So much better than the Steve in my dream.”
“That one really just took off and left you, huh?” Steve asked.
“Yeah,” Bucky sighed,”Didn’t even seem sad about it either.”
Steve rolled his eyes,“What a dick.”