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It was a passing comment made by Ako during band practice, on the third day of Sayo's musical slump — a ludicrous figment of her wacky imagination that was moulded into Japanese characters.
The Goddess of Judgment visits those who least expect it, and those who require it most. Raining her sagacity on us mere mortals, guiding the deviated back on course.
A thought that was initially dismissed by Sayo as nothing more than her usual, chuunibyou gibberish.
And yet, here she was. Staring into an endless void that provided no perception of depth. There was nothing but emptiness, and her, floating alone in this desolate volume. She was trapped in limbo, being offered nothing but a bizarre sense of quietude.
Suddenly, she felt her weightless body being lowered, down onto a cylindrical block of stone which had materialized from nowhere. And with it, a hooded spectre whose ragged cloak radiated brightly in contrast to its obsidian surroundings.
"Hikawa Sayo." The figure opened her arms, speaking in a deep tone which reverberated inside her head. Strangely, that voice seemed familiar somehow. "I am the Goddess of Judgment. You're one of the younger ones I'm encountering, it seems… Nevertheless, you are ready for judgment."
This had to be some sort of sick joke. Sayo wanted to retort, but found herself spellbound by the entity before her. And if what the Goddess said were true… then this was something she didn't want to face. Not now. This was the worst time to confront her inner demons. She wasn't ready.
"The one who will judge you first, is the one who you were cruelest to in life."
She froze. People from her life were going to judge her?
No… anything but that. Please.
She tried to force her eyes shut, attempting to slam the door behind her on a situation she was hellbent on avoiding. However, a mysterious power kept them open. The Goddess hadn't budged, and yet, Sayo had an inkling it was her doing.
A blinding flash of luminescence streaked across the abyss, opening a pocket of light. A silhouette emerged from it, stepping forward onto another slab of stone which had surfaced before it. As the strip of light dissolved into nothingness, the Goddess—who was standing in between the pair—raised a staff which glowed a dull, whitish hue, illuminating the newcomer's face.
Sayo's heart sank. It was her. She knew it'd be, but that only made it harder to endure.
"Onee-chan," the girl said with a soft smile. "It's been, what, a few days since we last talked? But still... it felt like an eternity. I will always miss talking to you. It's too boppin', y'know?"
Sayo couldn't meet her eyes. Shame overwhelmed her being, even as she searched desperately for words. She could only gaze helplessly at the chunk of stone that Hina's feet rested upon.
"Hey, Onee-chan. Look at me."
She complied hesitantly.
"Whenever I tried to hold a conversation with you, it usually ended up with you cutting me off. When I tried to show you something, you would usually push me away. And whenever I invited you to do something with me… I would usually be rejected. You shunned me like a plague, for years. And even though our relationship has zapped upwards since the Tanabata Festival, it looks like it's in danger of regressing back to its former state."
Sayo noticed the melancholy shrouded behind Hina's green eyes. Each uttered word pierced her chest, churning waves of self-hatred and guilt inside her, but she was compelled to face ahead.
Hina's lips convulsed into a sorrowful smile. "That was your most cruel action, or should I say, actions? I could only apologize on every occasion you were mad at me, Onee-chan, but deep inside, I was hurting. I didn't know what I was doing wrongly to incur your wrath. I know that I'm insensitive, but to elicit the type of responses you were giving… it was depressing. I just never showed it to you, because I didn't want you to suffer any more than you already were."
I'm sorry, Hina. It was because I could only focus on my fear and hatred for you, and it led to the obstruction of everything else.
"But even so… I never gave up. I continued to stay by your side."
And in return, I blamed you for everything.
Sayo opened her mouth, about to stammer out an apology, but her twin had already vanished.
She felt sick to her stomach. She had always known that she was a monster, but having it recited out to her was another thing altogether, by Hina no less. It threatened to tear at the seams which held her heart together, attempting to force her sanity into submission.
The Goddess offered no reprieve either as she broke the painful silence. "The one who will judge you second, is the one who you were kindest to in life."
Kindness…?
As much as she racked her brain, Sayo couldn't think of anyone who met the criteria. She was socially reclusive, and was blunt and condescending in her manner of speech. So who…?
Another flash of light, accompanied by another emerging figure. The Goddess raised her staff once more.
Sayo's eyes widened. Her face was aghast. Her mind was warped with confusion, even as she tried to comprehend...
The girl smiled. "You didn't expect it to be me again, did ya?"
"Why... how…?"
She laughed, a pleasant melody which floated into Sayo's ears. "You're too quick to assume, Onee-chan. You might be thinking that since you had caused me immense pain, it was impossible for you to have showered me with bliss. Thankfully, life isn't that clear-cut. There are always two sides to the story. Yours just happens to lie on the extreme poles."
Sayo was speechless. Try as she might, she couldn't recall a moment of kindness that was shared with her younger sister.
"You were harsh—ruthless even—at times, but you weren't always like that. The pain which you bottled within yourself manifested wildly, and it twisted your personality. But deep down, you were still a good person at heart. You just didn't know how to deal with those emotions, which were trying to devastate who you really were."
Hina sighed dreamily. She stared into a spot behind Sayo's head for a moment, before resuming.
"You hate carrots, and you probably don't remember the reason why that is. But I do. Every moment of it." Hina's voice was little more than a whisper. "When we were young, I was originally the one who hated carrots. I would always push my carrots to you, and you'd take them willingly. The only problem was that you were unable to finish your own, so you would eat mine first, and left your unfinished food on the plate. Mom would reprimand you repeatedly for wasting food… but you kept eating my carrots until we were older."
Sayo could only vaguely recollect parts of Hina's story. Had she really done something like that? Why was it that she couldn't remember this, while remembering her terrible deeds so easily, so vividly?
"I was really glad. I felt so lucky to have such a caring elder sister. That part of you might have changed, but this part of me never will."
"Hina, I—"
But it was too late. The apparition had faded away once again.
The Goddess spoke almost immediately. "The one who will judge you third, is the one you influenced most in life."
Sayo already knew who it was going to be. That much was obvious.
And sure enough, like clockwork, she returned once again.
"Y'know," Hina said as she hopped onto her platform, "If you weren't around, I would never be able to visualize how differently my life would've become. I did everything you did because I wanted you to notice me, Onee-chan. I wanted us to become closer, just like how we were as kids, all boppin', pure and innocent. I learnt the guitar because of how well you played it. It was another chance for me to interact with you. But it backfired… and in doing so, I hurt you."
For the first time, her eyes were cast downwards. "And now, you're even thinking of quitting the guitar, despite the fact that we promised to motivate each other to never stop playing."
But Sayo had never seen it that way. Her obsession in staying ahead of Hina had only fueled her inferiority complex, and drowned out everything else. It was the only thing she could cling onto in order to remain relevant. Such was the purpose of her miserable life.
"I wouldn't mind if you continued to hate me, if it eases your pain by even a little. But if you're gonna break the one promise that I hold most dearly to me… I would hate you too, Onee-chan."
A lone tear trickled down Sayo's cheek. For the first time, she managed to croak out the words she'd been seeking, albeit in a jumbled mess.
"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better sister."
Hina said nothing. She merely looked back up as her translucent image dissolved into dust.
"Now," the Goddess said. "Your final judge... is the one who suffered most from your actions in life."
Sayo's breath hitched. She clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms. Her tears were now flowing without restraint, but she struggled to keep herself together. She deserved this treatment, and had to face it to its conclusion.
The swathe of light warped into existence for the final time, but it was not Hina who walked through like the previous three. It was someone more recognizable, and more petrifying.
Hikawa Sayo.
She tried her best to tear away from the image, who was gracefully descending onto her platform. But it was futile. Sayo was rooted to the spot as the realization hit her, and could only weep in anguish before her duplicate.
The reflection folded her arms matter-of-factly. "It must've been tough on you."
Sayo whimpered.
"At the same time, you're fully aware on how hard you're being on yourself. Shouldn't you focus on something else instead?"
"On... what?"
The replica pointed at Sayo. "Loving yourself."
"But I don't deserve that," she whispered.
The clone shook her head. "Don't be silly. All humans depend on it. The world is a convoluted, terrifying place. Everybody has their individual burdens weighing down on them. The latter portion of your life was devoured by it, and understandably so. To err is human, wouldn't you agree?"
Sayo remained silent.
"You've heard what Hina had to say. You've seen the smile she continues to wear despite her grievances. Sure, you might have hurt her countlessly, but you're still the pick to her guitar. She still loves you for who you are, no matter how much you've changed. But everything starts with yourself. Without accepting yourself, you won't be able to accept anyone else."
The image floated forward, until she was directly in front of the guitarist. She held out a hand.
"Stop running away, Hikawa Sayo. Face the pain head-on."
Sayo nodded. She took it—
"Onee-chan! Onee-chan!!!"
She shuddered awake. Groaning, she touched her face as she propped herself up. She pulled her fingers away, scrunching her eyes through the darkness. They felt wet.
Hina was clad in her pajamas, and was watching nervously from the side of her bed. "I-I'm sorry to wake you… but you were crying and wailing so loudly that I could hear it from my room, and—"
Sayo leaned forward, wrapping her arms around her sister's waist tightly.
"O-Onee-chan…?"
She inhaled deeply and braced herself.
"Hina, I'm sorry it took so long. Let's have a talk."