Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The irony is just killing me. The one person in the world who I trust enough to talk to about this is off living her life beyond me. Meanwhile the woman I am with, is basically where I was before April's accident. She has no belief or faith in God. Now I understand April's dilemma. Year's too late. Well, months too late anyway. I know in my heart that I could have won her back, even just a few months ago, at least until Matthew came back into the picture, but I just couldn't get my act together. And it wasn't until April lay at death's door that I got it. Finally, and much too late.

Even more irony. I wonder now if that indecision, that restlessness, that feeling I've been missing something, is it because I've been missing this part of my life all this time? I know my lack of faith adversely affected our marriage. I just chalked it up to another difference between us but now I wonder if it's also what kept me from really healing? Healing from April leaving? Healing from the divorce? Healing from losing Samuel? What if that missing piece is what kept me from fixing myself?

Ever since that day I feel like I've been living life with one hand tied behind my back.

But now I do believe. How can I not? April should not even be alive today, much less whole and in possession of all her faculties. But she is. And I don't think I'll ever be able to throw the word 'miracle' around cavalierly ever again. I prayed. I promised. He delivered. And something too deep to touch woke up in me and I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

I'm just not sure what it all means. I have so many questions. I don't know what I should do. I don't know how I should act on this. Which brings me back to the irony of my situation. The obvious person to go to for answers is the one person who I can't go to any more.

I haven't even seen her since her impromptu nuptials a couple of months ago. Well, I saw her twice actually, both times when she came to get Harriet at the hospital and I happened to be at daycare. She is avoiding me and I guess that is to be expected. Probably doing it in deference to Matthew's feelings. In his defense, given our history I'd probably feel the same way.

And I don't think she is anxious to see Maggie either. Again, completely understandable, though unfortunate. To be perfectly honest, I'm finding myself less anxious to see Maggie too. I mean I still love her, I believe that to be true. But my questions will find no answers there and I'm starting to see that as a bigger obstacle than I would have thought. I find myself wondering if April might have had similar thoughts back when were butting heads about it. That thought makes me sad.

I've begun to take long walks to think about things. It's been good for me I think. For one thing, I've lost the five pounds or so I put on over the holidays. Seattle is a great place for walking and thinking, as long as you don't mind getting a little wet. And when it rains too hard to walk far, there's always a coffee place or brewery nearby to duck into and catch some ESPN or read a little.

Speaking of reading, I actually went out and bought a Bible. And a copy of the Koran. No Torah yet though. I'm not really sure any of that helped. I know April was big on Scripture although she restrained herself from quoting it everywhere she went, but even the process of buying a Bible was confusing and led to more questions than answers.

Why are there so many different versions? If it's truly the word of God, why is there not just one?

And what's the point of the Old Testament? In the New Testament, Jesus does a pretty good job of laying it all out there. Why bother with the prequel when God himself is giving you the scoop straight from the Saviour's mouth?

And then I dug a little deeper and found out the Bible has been translated and picked apart and put back together for hundreds of years and there are gospels that someone decided didn't belong with the ones someone else decided did belong and its all so damn confusing.

I haven't really cracked open the Koran yet but I fear something similar there. Really have no idea who to talk to about that either. Maybe Dahlia? But I can hardly look at her without her falling all over herself so...

I decided I needed to go find some answers for myself before I go nuts. I knew Maggie would think I was nuts just for feeling that so I did something I don't think she or any of my other friends will appreciate. I just left. I left Maggie a voicemail explaining that I needed to find answers. I didn't go into too much detail as I'm pretty sure she would not understand.

First stop on my “God Quest”? Google, of course. But no matter how I juggled the search terms I kept getting the same results. 7 Unlikely Places to Find God, 6 Ways to Find God Without Going to Church, and, my personal favorite, How to Find God: 13 Steps (with Pictures). So basically finding God might be a simple thirteen step program, complete with illustration.

But while some of those offered good advice, none was really what I was looking for. So I decided I needed to find someone to talk to. I remember April talked a lot to her pastor or minister or something. And then a dying rabbi was key to recovering her faith in God and digging herself out of her own crisis of faith. I don't think you can describe my needs as a crisis; more like an ignorance of faith.

Anyway, I figured talking to a religious person was a good place to start and since April didn't appear to be an option, I decided to seek a professional. I thought about making an appointment with a nearby minister, or maybe a priest or rabbi. But I am kind of distrustful of these types. It seems like they all have some sort of agenda to push. Evangelicals are heavily politicized in ways that make me a bit frightened. Catholics believe some weird shit and that whole abuse thing is a turnoff. And I'm kind of leery about the Jewish religion and whether I would even be welcome there. And it seems like every religion is about the dollars to an uncomfortable degree.

So I began to search for something off the beaten path. And that's what led me to the monastery. I honestly don't remember what led me to enter that particular search term into my browser but I did, and was surprised to get so many hits so close to Seattle. I guess I thought I'd have to go climb a mountain in the Himalayas or something, or maybe even have to learn KungFu, which would be pretty cool actually.

Anyway, the Seattle area has a few monasteries and they even have websites. So I checked em out and decided the Catholic monasteries would work better for me than the Buddhist ones. Nothing against Buddhism, which has a lot to offer I think, including Kung Fu, but the Catholics at least worship the same God as April and the other Christian denominations so I figured it was a wider net to cast, so to speak.

And that's how I found myself slipping out of town and making my way on the ferry to the monastery out in the San Juan's called Our Lady of the Rock. Since most of my knowledge of monasteries comes from watching movies, the place was a bit of a surprise. First, instead of monks, it is run by a bunch of nuns. And it had been a long time since I saw a nun wearing a nun's habit. Second, its a working farm. In fact they raise a lot of their own food. Talk about farm to table.

Anyway, you can go there and stay for free basically though they do appreciate it if you pitch in and help with the chores around the farm. It seemed only fair to me that if they were going to feed me and let me stay in their guesthouse, that I join in cutting hay and building fences and gardening and the other billion things that always need doing on a farm.

Of course not a day went by that I didn't think of April growing up on that farm in Moline and doing all this same stuff with her sisters. I'd finish cleaning out the pig stalls, a job I'd never dreamed I'd ever do, and realize April probably did it every day of her life for years. I wondered if she'd be proud of me for getting my hands dirty like this. Ah, she'd probably think I was a nut case for coming out here and doing this with a bunch of nuns. But maybe she'd be a little proud.

While the farm work and the peace and solitude did make me feel a little closer to God, I wasn't getting much from the praying, and to the nuns credit, they didn't force anything on me. I was a little hesitant to engage them in conversation as I wasn't really sure they could relate to what I had gone through to get here. I mean none of them were married or had kids or anything like that. And I had a little concern that I might be kicked out if they found out I had once referred to their Saviour as 'imaginary' and 'ridiculous'. Plus, you know, I have a spotty track record with virgins.

So instead I ended up talking a lot with the other guests. Of course that almost backfired too.

Most of the other guests were a little, or a lot, older. One woman though, Kate, was actually a little younger than me so we ended up on a lot of the same work details and spending a fair amount of time together. We sat together at meals and talked a lot to each other too. Besides being my age, Kate was also easy on the eyes, which is probably why I didn't catch on to the problem until it was almost too late.

She was much more willing to share her story than I was and it wasn't long before I found out her policeman brother was killed in the line of duty. Apparently he was rushing to the aid of a fellow officer when he was T-Boned by a drunk driver. The only blessing was they figured he was killed instantly. I didn't tell her that I had seen too many cases where that wasn't true.

Anyway, of course after something like that Kate found herself questioning her faith. Again I was reminded of April but that wasn't my story to share so I kept silent on that score. But as Kate described her journey from grief through anger and resentment to finally finding a measure of peace, I found myself thinking of Samuel and wondering if I can ever find any peace about that.

For Kate, the peace came in the form of her belief that she'll see her brother again someday. She has faith that there is life after death and God is going to keep that promise of salvation she is sure He made to her. I finally broke down and told her that I'm new to even believing in God and nowhere near sure about what I believe about things like Heaven and Hell and where we go when the lights go out.

She said she felt bad for me about that. Said that there was no way she would have survived without being sure her brother was in a better place and that she would see him again someday. Of course I immediately flashed back on how angry I was that night when April admitted she pitied me for my lack of faith. And that was before Samuel died. Yeah, I'm still pretty fucked up aren't I?

Well, these talks just became more and more emotional and I was just going to bed exhausted. Then one day the shit hit the fan.

I remember the day clearly. It was the day the nuns asked me if I wouldn't mind helping out at the free clinic in town for a few hours. One of the sisters is a trained nurse and basically runs the place. There is always a shortage of doctors out there and so she was thrilled to find out I was a MD. I agreed to help out. If nothing else, it got me out of that smelly pig shed for a day.

The clientèle was definitely pushing the low end of the economic spectrum. Addicts, elderly, poverty-stricken, and homeless. As I treated them, it occurred to me that these were the people April had left Grey Sloan for. I also realized that if I had expected my God quest to help me forget how much I missed having April in my life, I had been sadly mistaken.

Anyway, thinking about April basically doing the same thing at the same time I was gave me a pretty good feeling about the day. But when I got back to the farm, Kate was all bent out of shape. I couldn't make out why she was mad at me but her attitude toward me at dinner was pretty frosty.

After dinner I was walking back toward the guesthouse and she waylaid me. 'Where were you?' she demanded. I explained that I had gone to town to work at the clinic with Sister Josie and she went on this long rant about how I never said anything to her about it and that she thought I had just up and left and not even had the courtesy to say goodbye or anything.

That's when it dawned on me that maybe Kate was expecting more from me than I was offering. That sort of thing has happened to me before, most notably with Steph. But in that case I lived with a lot of guilt since I was actually sleeping with her right up to the point that I stood up at April's wedding. Her first wedding that is. She's had a few now. Bearing some guilt for that too. But in this case, I didn't think I'd done anything to lead Kate on.

Regardless or the reason for it, the whole Kate thing was my signal that it was time to leave Our Lady of the Rock. So the next morning found me again on the ferry as it made its way back to Seattle.

My week there had been good for me in a lot of ways. While it hadn't yielded too many answers to my questions, it did crystallize one thing for me; there was no way for me to complete my quest without April. She is too much a part of me for me to do this alone. She may not like it much but I had to see her. As inconvenient as it might be for both of us, she is my person, and no divorce or marriage or other relationship is gonna change that.

Chapter Text

My timing couldn't have been more perfect, except, of course, for the fact that I showed up unannounced, when she was packing Harriet in her car to bring her to Grey Sloan since it was my day to take her, and, oh yeah, she had been trying to avoid me for a couple of months now.

“Jackson!” She was obviously startled by my sudden appearance beside her car. Her eyes were darting in every direction, probably worried that Matthew was going to see me here outside their place and think the worst. It irritated me that the guy was so insecure as to make it so difficult for April and I to enjoy a friendship. The most important friendship I'll ever have too. But I guess that's the problem.

“Hey.” I replied. It was my subtle and efficient way of saying Hi my favorite person who I miss so much it's killing me and I wish we could just somehow go back to being best friends again.

To give her a chance to catch her breath I leaned into the back seat of the car and kissed Harriet, who reached for me and immediately started her current favorite pastime of pointing at everything in the world and asking What's this? in the cutest little voice you've ever heard, not that I'm biased or anything.

April patiently waited until I was done playing with Harriet. Actually, that's not even close to true.

“What are you doing here?” she demanded as Harriet stuck her index finger up my right nostril and I tried to answer “Nose”, which came out appropriately nasally I might point out.

“I came by to see if you'll talk to me.” I replied over my shoulder as Harriet yelled What's this and poked me in the eye.

“You don't think calling first would have been a good idea?” April asked.

“Eye” I answered our daughter. “Frankly, I don't know what I'm supposed to do to see you anymore”, I answered her mother.

“A bit dramatic, don't you think?” she asked. I know every nuance of her voice and I could tell she was genuinely peeved. It saddened me that she would actually be pissed at me showing up to talk to her. But I didn't have a chance at rebuttal at the moment because Harriet had a really strong grip on my ear and was squealing Whats this? at the top of her lungs. I consoled myself with the knowledge that at least one of the most important women in my life was happy to see me.

Thats when my attention was caught by something laying on the floor of the car next to Harriet's daycare bag.

“What's this?” I unintentionally echoed my daughter's favorite question, picking up the lanyard from which a plastic badge hung. I tried to turn around to face April, forgetting that Harriet had a very firm grip on my ear.

“Ear” I yelled, startling her a little bit I'm afraid. At any rate, she turned me loose and stared at me with wide eyes. I was torn between guilt for yelling in her face and the desire to grill her mother on the item I was now holding in my hand.

“I'm sorry, love bug, Daddy didn't mean to yell. But I need to talk to mommy for a minute, okay?”

Thanking my lucky starts that Harriet didn't begin to cry, I pulled my head back out of the car and turned to face my ex-wife.

Her irritated expression had now been replaced by one pregnant with guilt.

“Seattle Pres? Really? You're now at Seattle Pres?”

“Not that it's any of your beeswax, but yes, I am.” April answered. Already she was recovering herself and I observed her sticking out her chin, a sure sign that she was ready to stand her ground against whatever complaints I might throw at her.

“When did this happen?” I demanded. I had always assumed she would return to trauma surgery. It was in her blood and you can only deny blood for so long. No, the real shock was that she had gone to Pres instead of returning home to Grey Sloan.

She had to have known that we would have taken her back in a heartbeat. No, she chose to go elsewhere. And she did it without telling anyone, even me. That really hurt.

“... weeks ago”, I heard her saying. I was so stunned I missed the first part.

“When?” I repeated my demand.

“I said TWO weeks ago. Anyway, I need to go so I'm not late.”

“Wait. We need to talk about this.”

“No, we don't. It has nothing to do with you and is none of your business. Now, will you please take Harriet so I don't have to drive all the way over to Grey Sloan and drop her off for you?”

“Yes, I'll take her. I'm not going to work today anyway. Can I bring her back tonight though?”

“What? Why?” she asked.

“I'm taking a leave of absence to work some stuff out. It's complicated. But it will be less complicated if you're willing to have Harriet with you for another week or so.”

April looked at me quizzically and I could tell she wanted more of the story but then she remembered she had someplace, in my opinion the wrong place, to be. “Sure, I can keep her. I'll swing by your place tonight after work to pick her up.”

“Or I could drop her off here.” I volunteered.

“No, I'll come get her. It's right on the way.”

And keeps Matthew from seeing me, I thought to myself. Yeah, that's what's going on. The guy is so uptight about me that he made her go to Pres instead of back at Grey Sloan where she belongs. Asshat!

“I need space to figure this all out”, I had told her, finally giving in and calling after a dozen texts begging me to.

“And I need to know you're okay.” she had insisted.

“Maggie, I'm fine, really. I just need to follow this through.”

“But I want to help you,” she cried. I could tell she was spinning out about this.

“You can't. This is personal. It has nothing to do with you.” As soon as I said it I realized that was about the most damaging thing I could have said to her. But I couldn't take it back. Besides, it was the truth.

That was day four of my Godquest. Today marked week two and I hadn't received a single text from her since. Oddly, that brought more relief than it should have. But my relationship with Maggie was not what I was focused on at the moment. I was prepared to accept whatever consequences that brought with it.

Around five that evening I got a text from April telling me she was going into an emergency surgery and she would be a few hours late picking up Harriet. I texted back that it was no problem and offered again to drop her off but, again, she declined.

So it was around eleven when she finally showed up at my door.

“I'm so sorry. We had a big intake right when I was about to leave the ER.”

“No problem. Not like you could ever walk away from a gnarly intake.” I smiled.

She gave me a brief smile and looked past me. “Is she ready to go?”

“She conked out about three hours ago. I just checked on her and she is lights out. Why don't we just leave her sleep.”

April gave me a puzzled look. “But I thought you needed me to take her?”

For the last couple of hours I had been debating over whether to come clean about what I really wanted. After going back and forth I had decided to play it by ear. “Well, yeah, I still sorta do,” I answered, “but what I really was hoping for was a chance to talk to you.”

Instantly I saw her go shields up. Me wanting to talk had some bad associations attached to it. In her present circumstances, with that paramedic doing everything possible to keep her away from me, I couldn't be surprised to see this reaction from her. In fact, it was the whole reason for using Harriet as a smokescreen.

Her eyes kind of darted from side to side before settling on mine. Had she been checking to see if Matthew was hiding in the shadows?

“Um, what exactly do we need to talk about?” she asked suspiciously. I could still read her like a book. There weren't too many conversation topics for us that were pleasant for her to entertain.

Fortunately the topic I had in mind was one she'd never guess at. Not only that, it was right in her wheelhouse.

“God.” I answered simply.

One of April's most endearing qualities, to me anyway, is her ability to clearly convey her emotions in her facial expressions. Not only is it endearing, it's also just damn cute. So I couldn't help but smile a little at the expression of incredulity that contorted her pretty face at that moment.

But my smile didn't last very long, nor was it reciprocated.

“No.” she shook her head once she had overcome her initial shock.

“Why?” I was actually a little surprised myself. I thought for sure this topic would interest her.

“Because I don't really need anyone challenging my beliefs right now.”

“Challenging? No, you've got it all wrong. I don't want to challenge anything. I want to ask you about stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Yeah, God stuff.” I answered.

“Why?” she had her head kind of half cocked to the side and her expression now betrayed no small hint of suspicion.

“Because,” I replied, quite patiently I think, “my recent arrival to the conclusion that God actually does exist, brings with it quite a few questions and, as the most devoutly faithful person I know, I figure you might be able to help me with some answers.”

I think my simple honesty blindsided her a little bit because she seemed at a loss for words for a few seconds.

“So your belief in God stuck?”

Ah, of course she hadn't counted on that. Understandable since my unbelief had been so strong.

“Yep, surprise to me too. But I don't know where that takes me. Where do I go from here?”

“That's what you want to talk about, really?”

I could tell she wasn't convinced.

“Yes, that's what I want to talk about.”

“Then I'll give you the name of my pastor. He is great and much more qualified than I am.”

Damn it! She was still intent on dodging me.

“But he doesn't know me.” I protested.

“That's exactly the problem.” she countered. “I know you too well. We have too much history. And I can't have this turn into a rehashing of all that. I can't afford that pain. I just can't.”

That's when I finally got it. It wasn't just Matthew. She wasn't happy like I thought. She had told me I caused her pain. But I guess I didn't realize the depths of it. Crap!

“So we don't. We don't rehash anything. We stick to the subject.”

“But..”

I interrupted her protest. “Just God stuff. I promise.”

She was teetering on the edge, I could tell. Fortunately I had done my homework so I had my last bullet locked and loaded. “Besides, aren't you somewhat obligated to witness and evangelize the faith?”

As I hoped, that closed the deal. I noted her surrender in the resigned nod of her head and the sigh escaping her lips.

“Okay, I'll do it. But we stick to the subject. We don't talk about us, at all.” She really emphasized the at all part.

“Great! Agreed!”

“We don't talk about me going to Pres,” she continued, “and let's keep this between us too. No one else has to know.”

Of course. She wouldn't want Matthew to find out.

“Don't worry, Matthew will never know.”

“That's another thing. Matthew is off limits. If you ever bring him up I'm cutting you off.”

Wow, the guy must really be a freak about April and I.

“Okay, no problem. Not like I want to talk about him anyway.”

April shook her head.

“Oh, this is a mistake. I know it.”

I knew that was meant more for herself than for me.

“How can helping a friend get closer to God be a mistake?” I asked her earnestly. I did think she was overreacting a little bit.

She just looked up at me and somewhere deep down I knew she was right to be concerned.

“I should be home by five tomorrow. Bring Harriet and we can start after she goes to bed.”

“Great! I'll bring dinner. Chinese?”

“Whatever.” she replied wearily before turning and disappearing into the darkness.

Chapter Text

Harriet and I were on our way to April and Matthew’s place when April texted she was leaving the hospital. We killed the time at the little grassy park just down the street.

Harriet started walking a little late; twelve months, but since then she’s been making up for lost time. So I chased her around the park until April texted again asking where we were.

“Hey” I gave her my usual greeting when she opened the door.

She gave me a rather reserved “Hi” in return, then a much more effusive “Hi, nugget. Mommy is so happy to see you.” for Harriet, who practically jumped out of my arms into hers. I had long ago ceased to be jealous of the fact that Harriet was her momma’s daughter through and through. It had bothered me at first since everyone told me a daughter is always “daddy’s girl”. But I was satisfied that Harriet at least let me stay a close second. If ever Matthew starts contending for that position though, there’s going to be blood spilled.

April turned but looked back over her shoulder when I didn’t follow immediately.

“Uh…” I started, but she caught on right away.

“No worries. He’s not here.”

So I stepped through the doorway and closed the door behind me. Since the previous evening’s reluctant invite had me coming here, I had been wondering whether I’d run into Matthew or not. I finally concluded that he must be working one of those twenty-four firehouse shifts or April would not have have had me over.

A little tiny part of me was disappointed. I would have loved to watch him react to me at the doorway. But since it would have been the end of April’s cooperation, the rational part of me was relieved.

I produced the Chinese food Harriet and I picked up on the way over. April rolled her eyes when I poured out the extra dozen fortune cookies but I was gratified to see that little smile flare across her face before she could suppress it.

April put the bug into her high chair where she happily chowed down on her healthier alternative to kung pao chicken and mongolian beef.

I motioned toward her. “She has her mother’s appetite.”

“And her father’s table manners.” April responded as Harriet sent her peas and carrots over the edge of her tray and onto the floor. “Uh-oh” she said, making an adorable April-like face, and we both cracked up.

Somehow that little moment evaporated the tension and we both noticeably relaxed. The rest of the meal was filled with small talk, mostly swapping Harriet intel.

Toward the end of the meal I asked after her family and she after mine.

“You still follow my mom on Facebook?” I asked with a smile.

“No, not anymore.” she answered.

It made me a little sad that she felt she had to cut herself off from all things Avery like this but I wasn’t going to say anything. After a moment or two, which may have been her waiting to see if I was going to go there, I think I saw relief on her face, which told me I had been right to not pursue that line.

“How are things at Grey Sloan? I heard through the grapevine that there’s been some serious shake ups.”

She didn’t identify her sources but I think it’s safe to assume April would stay in contact with Owen.

“If you’re referring to our new Chief, yeah, it’s been quite a ride.”

“Never thought I’d see Alex Karev named Chief of Surgery.”

“Well, it’s supposedly temporary while Bailey de-stresses but who knows?”

“Still, I think I escaped just in time.” she answered, half kiddingly, I’m sure. As much time as they spent deriding each other’s lifestyles, April would die for Alex and vice versa..

“He’s actually doing a pretty great job, I think.” I answered.

“Really?”

“Yeah, surprisingly good.”

There was a little pause in our conversation as Harriet started banging on her high chair tray.

“Another thing she takes after you for… lack of musical talent.” April remarked.

That was bait I had to take. “Hey, white girl! I might remind you that any rhythm she inherited comes from my side.”

April shook her head in mock outrage. “Wow! Really? You’re playing that card?”

I was laughing too hard at that point to even muster a reply. Harriet just stopped banging and stared at me as I dissolved in my chair.

After dinner, April tended to Harriet while I took the dishes to the sink and began to clean up. I had just finished loading the dishwasher when Harriet’s squeal drew my gaze toward the living room where April was dancing around with Harriet’s feet on her own. The sight transfixed me. I stood in the doorway, grinning, for all of about five minutes, until April finally collapsed on the couch, pulling Harriet onto her lap.

“Whew! This little nugget is all wound up tonight.” she smiled as she swung Harriet’s arms up and down like a bird taking flight.

I didn’t say anything but I was pretty sure I knew what was up. Harriet was just excited to have her two favorite people in the world with her. A wave of guilt washed over me. This is the way it should have been, if not for some terrible misfortune, and some decisions on my part that I found questionable in that moment.

I surfaced from my thoughts when I saw April look over at me. “What?” she asked. She’s always been able to read me like a book.

“Nothing. I just hope you can outlast her. Really hoping to talk tonight.”

“No promises on the outlasting thing”, April responded, “but I’ll give it my best shot.”

Turns out I didn’t need to worry too much. Not only can Harriet go from zero to sixty almost instantly, she is just as fast the other way. A half hour later she began to yawn and bedtime found her happily curling up in her crib.

I sat in the overstuffed chair while April pulled her feet up underneath her on the couch.

“So, where do you want to start this God conversation?” she asked.

“How about the beginning?” I suggested. “God is all knowing, right?”

April nodded.

“So he knows everything that has happened and will happen?”

“Yes, that’s a fair description of all knowing .”

“And he sent his son to sacrifice himself on the cross for our sins?”

Another nod.

“So why bother with creating us to begin with? He knew we are so flawed he would have to die to fix us. Why in the world would any sane God create us to begin with?”

April took a deep breath. “Well, we’re getting right into it, aren’t we?” She paused, gathering her thoughts. “Well, you’re not the first person to wonder about this. King David actually asked it too. There’s actually a lot in the Bible about this very question. But, without going into a lot of scripture,” she must have seen me grimace a little when she mentioned the Bible, “it all comes down to one thing; God is love and because of that love, and his wonderful creativity, he made us so we can enjoy all that he is and all that he's done.”

“He made us so he could love us?” I turned the concept over in my mind. It actually made a lot of sense.

“Exactly. Love, by its nature, is something you give. I believe He just wanted someone to share himself with. And doesn’t it feel good to love someone and have them love you in return?” she asked before catching herself. She quickly broke eye contact, no doubt suddenly remembering who she was talking to.

It was too late. I looked at her. “Yes, it does.” And we both knew what I meant.

But we had strayed across the boundaries she had set upon this dialogue and it didn't matter that she was the one who had inadvertently led us there. She popped up off the couch and I could see her defenses were back in place.

“Jackson, I'm sorry to cut this short but I guess Harriet wore me out more than I thought.”

“April, its no problem. I understand. But we barely started and I have so many more questions. Can we meet again?”

“Yes, I suppose we can.”

“When?”

“Tomorrow's bad, but the day after I have an early shift so I could come by afterwards?”

We decided she would keep Harriet with her until she came over the following day and I said goodnight.

On the drive home I had a lot to think about. I thought about how much I enjoyed spending time with April and Harriet. I thought about how I felt watching April dance around her living room with our daughter. I thought about her answer to my question. And I thought about the question she asked me.

It wasn't until I got back to my place, opened the door and happened to see my reflection in the rearview mirror that I realized a tear had made its way down my face.

Chapter Text

Well, THAT went well. Not the evening with April. That did go well. Like off-the-charts well, in my opinion. No, the thing that didn't go so well was coming home to find Maggie in my apartment.

She said she missed me and had to see that I was alright. Honestly, it was good to see her. Truth be told I was already feeling very much alone by the time I let myself in. But that's no excuse for what I did. And I must really be catching April's religious vibe because I swear to God, He punished me for it the next morning.

Maggie was dressing while I showered and telling me about this dream she had about her research project. She was in the middle of promising something about a dinner when suddenly she went quiet.

I stepped out of the shower, grabbed my towel and stepped into the room only to find her staring angrily at my phone then at me.

Turns out she had grabbed my phone, thinking it was hers, and caught Kate's latest text. I may have forgotten to mention that Kate and I had been exchanging text messages ever since I left the monastery. She had apologized for the way she reacted and begged me to forgive her. Of course I had, and we were now exchanging several texts a day. It had become a welcome thing as it provided a way to resume sharing the experiences that we had in common.

But Maggie didn't know anything about that. All she saw was a woman named Kate sending me heart emojis so she assumed the worst.

“I didn't sleep with anybody. I didn't kiss her. It's not about that at all. We talked.” I responded to her accusations.

I got her to sit down and so I could put a bandaid on her foot, since she had managed to cut it in her hysterics over this imagined affair.

Finally she calmed down enough for us to sit in the living room and try to talk rationally.

“When you went on your... your whole god Quest.”

“God Quest” I repeated. Okay, so yeah, it was Maggie that coined the phrase.

“That's what I called it in my head. When you left without telling me...” she sighed, “a part of me was relieved.”

What now? Relieved?

“This tiny part of me exhaled because I thought you would go to the woods and you would, you know, talk to a priest or a shaman.”

That's actually pretty damn close to what I did, I was thinking.

“And pray to something or someone and would come back with some answers. You would come back as yourself.”

I didn't say anything but it kind of hit me right then. She was missing the whole point. She couldn't comprehend that the yourself she was referring to, the person she wanted me to be, is not the self I want to be. Sure, I didn't know yet who or what exactly that self was, but what I did know, was that it wasn't the self I was before. The fact that she didn't get that only served to reinforce a vague feeling that had been growing in me for awhile now; that Maggie, as much as I loved her, was not the one for me.

But I had invested too much in this to just surrender to that feeling right then. I had to make an effort, right? I had to try. If there's one thing I learned from loving April, the biggest regrets come not from trying and failing, but from failing to try. I may possibly have heard that in a movie as well but it still applies.

“But instead I came back with more questions.” I answered.

“And you took those questions to other women.”

Damn, she was really hung up on that point. She thought that was the danger. But it wasn't. The danger for her was that she couldn't see beyond Kate and April to recognize that I was all in on this God thing and that I needed to figure it out. I thought back to the first fight April and I ever had and realized Maggie was where I was before April finally clued me in, thinking the argument was about cochlear implants when it was really about something else entirely, something fundamental and much deeper.

I listened while Maggie talked about being five steps ahead and five steps behind and talked about not knowing how to fight or love and kind of restated her LinkedIn profile for some reason. I'll admit I was a little confused by her monologue. Then she gave an executive summary contrasting my experiences with hers and I don't think she realized that she was making a great case for why two people who are at such different places in their lives maybe should not be together.

Finally she sat back and said “You said that you told Kate about what you'd lost?”

“Yeah, um... that's mes..messy.” I replied. “You know, pretty complicated, Maggie.” I could see where this was going. But I was reluctant to go there. She had just admitted that it was unlikely she would understand. In the back of my mind I heard April whisper Just try .

As though echoing April's voice in my head, Maggie answered, “Try me.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay.”

I moved over next to her on the couch. “The one thing April and I could never see eye-to-eye on was God.” I shook my head, remembering, “She believes and I never could. And now that I do, now that I really do, it's too late. She's married. She's happy with someone else.”

“You said that you were happy for her. You said that a lot of times.”

“I am. I am happy for her. I would never do anything to take that away from her. I am, uh... grieving. Grieving what we both lost. And what my daughter lost. The bad timing. And... I love you. I really love you. That's all true and all messy and I just... I didn't know how to talk to you about it.”

She sat quietly looking down at her hand resting on mine and I had a brief hope that it would be okay; that she would understand what I was telling her and understand my need to grieve and that she wouldn't be threatened by it.

But my hope evaporated when she abruptly got up off the couch and grabbed her coat.

I begged her not to leave.

“I can't” was all she could say. Then she was gone.

Can't say that I really blame her. If I came out and told April that same truth, I'm pretty sure she would give me the same reaction, though for entirely different reasons.

April appeared on my doorstep that evening pretty close to her ETA.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” April answered, stepping into my apartment with Harriet in her arms.

“You know, pretty soon she'll be too big for little you to carry around like that.” I remarked. Harriet showed every sign of getting my height and frame rather than April's petite size. April, however, did not like being reminded of it. She shot me a look to reinforce that fact. It made me smile.

The one good thing about sharing custody is that my apartment was fully Harriet-ready so we sat down to eat right away.

I had stretched my limited cooking skills to surprise her with a homecooked meal of Lasagne. I had made it from scratch even, instead of buying the stuff in the aluminum trays at the grocery store. It had taken me the better part of the afternoon to make it and I was actually pretty proud of it. It must have showed because April made a big show of looking at it dubiously when I set a plate of it in front of her.

“Dude, that's homemade three meat lasagne. I cooked my ass off to make that for you.”

She looked at me. “Did you say three-meat lasagne?” she asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“Well, it's just that I don't eat meat anymore..”

I was too devastated to remember that she had happily shoveled Mongollian Beef and Kung Pao chicken into her mouth just two night's previously so I just stood there until she finally cracked, turning to Harriet and saying “Now who is the gullible one? It's daddy, isn't it, Nugget?”

It still took me another second to realize I'd been had. Guess I'll think twice about teasing about her height again.

Almost as soon as we started eating April asked me when and how I had started looking for answers to my questions. “I know you didn't start with me.” she said.

“No. To be honest, I thought you might be reluctant to meet with me, given the current state of affairs.”

April nodded. She knew what I meant. “So how did you start?”

So I told her the whole story about the monastery and Kate and the pig pens. I didn't mention anything about that mornings thing with Maggie though. If April didn't want to talk about Matthew and her, I felt at least as strongly about Maggie and I.

She mostly listened, asking a question here and there, and, of course, snorting with laughter about the pig pens. “I would have paid good money to see you cleaning those pig pens.” she said, shaking her head.

Yeah, it was a pretty good week all in all,” I concluded, “just didn't end so great.”

That piqued her interest. “What happened at the end? Did you lose some livestock?”

I could tell I was going to hear about the pigs for a long time. “No, there was just a weird thing with Kate.”

And then there was no getting around telling her that whole story. “...so I guess she wanted more than I was offering.” I concluded.

April was looking at me like I was totally clueless. I know that look well. “What?”

“Jackson, think about it. She'd just suddenly lost her brother.”

“Yeah?”

“So in the few days you were there together she poured her heart out to you and shared a lot of stuff that she probably hadn't told anyone else.”

“I suppose...” I still wasn't getting her point.

April huffed at me. “So suddenly you disappear too. Is it any wonder that she freaked out?”

Finally, I got it. Poor Kate. She must have been feeling like everyone she cared about was going to disappear on her. And I thought it was some kind of crush. I am an idiot.

“I am an idiot.”

“No, you're not. Sometimes you just ...” she left her sentence incomplete as her voice trailed off.

“What? What were you going to say?”

“Nevermind. It's not my place.” It may have been my imagination but I thought she almost added anymore and the end of that statement.

“No, finish what you were going to say. Sometimes I just what?”

I could see her struggle with it but finally she gave in. “Sometimes you have a hard time recognizing how much other people are hurting, that's all.”

“Oh really?” I replied, laying the sarcasm on pretty thickly.

She ignored it. “Sometimes.” she repeated. “But it makes sense really. You've had a lifetime of practice hiding your own pain.”

And in two simple sentences she had laid bare my entire life.

“But it's not like I haven't been guilty of that myself a time or two.” she added. If the intent was to soften the blow, it didn't work. It felt like she had taken a ten blade to my heart and then turned it on her own.

It terrified me that someone could know me so well. It terrified me even more that she was now married to someone else.

I think she might have been reading my mind because she suddenly stood and began getting Harriet out of her highchair. Good thing, too, because we were definitely way out of bounds already and we hadn't even started talking God yet.

She handed me Harriet and started cleaning up.

We put her to bed and returned to the kitchen.

“You sure you want to take her tomorrow?” she asked.

“Yes. I've got to go back tomorrow so I'll put her in daycare.”

“Okay, that's good because i've got a very long day tomorrow.”

“Great. Want something to drink?”

“No, thank you. I can't drink after a long day anymore. It just puts me right to sleep.' she said.

I nodded. ' I know exactly what you mean. Guess we're getting old.'

'Older, at least. Anyway, what's tonights God topic?'

“Heaven,” I replied, “and Hell.”

“Okay, what about them?”

'Are they real places? Some people say yes and others say no.”

'”What do you think?” she asked.

If she was looking to get off the hook she had another thing coming. “I think I'd like to know what you think.” I answered.

'Okay, then I'll tell you, yes, I believe in heaven and, yes, I believe in hell.'

'Okay, lets start with heaven. The very first line of the Bible says In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. But that makes no sense. If God created heaven when he made the earth, where was He living at the time? And the angels? And the devil dude who turned into a snake? At least I think that's what happened. I kind of get that part of the story mixed up with Harry Potter. And why the hell would God make a devil and a hell anyway?”

To tell the truth I had a hard time believing anybody was taking anything in Genesis literally.

“Whoa, slow down there cowboy. One big huge question at a time, please.”

And then she spent the next ten minutes explaining all the different ways the word heaven is used in the Bible. At various times, it describes the universe, that's the first line in Genesis, by the way. Other times it's actually used to represent God himself, like when the son who took his inheritance and blew it all then decides to go home and tell his father Father I have sinned against heaven and before you, he means he sinned against God. Then, of course, Jesus actually referred to it as an actual place with rooms that we could go to someday. Finally, April pointed out sometimes heaven is portrayed as a state of being.

See what I mean about the Bible being confusing as he...heck?

“So let's just talk about Heaven the place. If we're good, we go there after we die, right?”

“Well, sort of. You can't earn your way to Heaven by doing good deeds. There no point system you can use to get there.” April explained.

This is another part that really confuses me.

“This is another part that really confuses me.” I told her. “Doing good things doesn't necessarily get you there but doing bad things might keep you from getting there.”

“I understand the confusion. This is something that people argue a lot about. All I can do is tell you what I believe.” she answered.

“Which is?”

“That as long as you do your best to follow God's teachings and love Him, above all else, you'll get to Heaven.”

“But what about the good deeds and sins?”

'That's the following His teachings part. He teaches us that we should love one another and so, if we are truly following Him, how can we sin and do bad things? And if we love Him above all else, then we can't possibly love money or power or sin, right?”

“Sounds a little like you're straddling the line there.”

April smiled. “Maybe I am. I've heard convincing arguments from both sides of the debate citing scripture so I just have to go with what sounds true to me. Besides, what's the harm of trying to do good even when you might not believe it necessary?”

“Okay, I'll give you that one. What about hell? Fire and brimstone for all eternity. Seems kind of harsh for a loving God, especially when he knows from the gitgo who's going to end up there.”

“But He also gives us the free will to decide. He doesn't send us to Hell. That we definitely earn .”

“By sinning?”

“Yeah.”

“But we can ask for forgiveness.”

“Right!” She seemed surprised I could come up with that on my own.

“Still, seems a little harsh. Gotta be a lot of people getting cooked somewhere.”

“I think maybe God has a way of giving people all kinds of chances. Besides, we can't judge, only She can.”

If she thought she was going to fog that by me she had another thing coming. “Wait, you think God is female?”

She just smiled her April smile back at me.

“But all the books talk about the Father and the Son.”

She had her retort ready for that one. “Because they were written by men. Besides if Jesus had been a woman, who would have listened to her?”

I knew I wasn't going to win this one. “Okay, back to the subject at hand. So is Hell really all fiery lava pits?”

“I don't know. I've heard all kinds of ideas about that too. The one I like best though is The Great Divorce by CS Lewis.”

“The Narnia guy?”

“One and the same.”

“CS Lewis wrote about religion?” I honestly hadn't read anything by CS Lewis and only knew about Narnia from the movies.

“What do you think the Narnia books are about?” April demanded.

“Lions and witches?”

“For an extremely bright person you can really be clueless sometimes.” she was shaking her head and giving me that look that clearly conveyed the 'clueless' part.

I realized it was in my best interests to get back on subject. “So what's with this “Divorce” thing?”

I swear she winced when I said the word Divorce . Damn it.

“He laid out a Hell that didn't have any fire or brimstone. His Hell was just a grey lifeless place populated by souls who just couldn't let go of the earthly things they loved. So they were condemned to this terrible place away from God. Meanwhile, Heaven was this beautiful place full of light and color and song. All you had to do was let go of that love for earthly things and be willing to go. But so many couldn't. It was very sad. But I also think that metaphor might be the closest thing I've heard. At least I feel that way.”

“So, in this case, being in hell is being cut off from God.”

“Yes, being cut off from God and his love for all of eternity. Imagine, not being able to be with the one you love and who loves you more than anyone else.” she said.

Unintentionally, she had just stabbed me in heart again.”The Great Divorce.” I mumbled and that’s when she caught on.

Instead of wincing though, her eyes went wide and I knew we were both bleeding in ways no surgery could fix. We were clearly back in foul territory again but I now knew what I wanted to ask tonight and was determined to go there regardless of the cost. So I hurried on before she could stop me.

“Does God punish us,” I asked, “for doing bad things, I mean?”

“You mean here on earth?” She asked.

“Yeah. I mean like you used to say stuff like that sometimes. You thought the pregnancy scare was Jesus payback for breaking your promise. And remember when you faked a page to get out of a date? You said you thought that might have caused an accident or something.”

“You remember that?” She was genuinely surprised. Guess she doesn’t know that I remember every detail of every moment of the time we’ve spent together.

April gave a little smile. “And you always told me it doesn’t work that way.”

Hmmm, guess she remembers a lot too.

“I think there is justice to be found but I think I learned the hard way, not too long ago, not to expect it to be like I think it should work.” She answered after a moment.

I knew she was talking about her crisis of faith. That had been largely about why bad things happen to good people. But I was taking us down a different path. And it was gonna hurt.

“But do you think God sometimes sends us trials, like he did to some in the Bible, when he wants to drive home a point or maybe issue a course correction?”

She cocked her head to the side and looked at me intently. It was the look she gave me when she knew I was circling around something because I didn’t want to confront it directly. “Are you thinking of something specific?” She asked.

She knows me so damn well.

“What if…” I began. I stopped to take a deep breath. “April, what if… what if it was all because I didn’t believe?”

She shook her head, not understanding. “What it are you talking about?”

“You and me.”

Chapter Text

I think I caught her too much by surprise for her to call me out on this blatant disregard for her rules. I knew she would regret this opportunity to terminate the session.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“April, what if God sent you to me precisely because I didn’t believe? What if it’s all because of that?”

She looked at me thoughtfully. At first glance, I’m sure the idea had some appeal to her. She hadn’t yet considered all the implications though.

“Well, I do think God does work through us to affect each other’s lives.” she admitted.

“So you think it’s possible God meant for us to be together? Maybe so I could also believe?”

She hesitated. “Maybe. Why not?’” she answered. It was only then that she read my eyes and realized the pain this caused me. “Jackson, what?”

“If that’s true then it’s all my fault.”

“What’s your fault?” she demanded.

“Samuel.” I choked out.

April’s face fractured and a little groan escaped her lips. She shook her head violently. “No.” She finally said. “No, Jackson. That wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault. It just happened. That’s all.”

I hated myself a little for causing her this pain but this idea had been growing in my mind for a little time now and I had to follow it through. I stood up. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I wanted to be ready to run, though I knew there was no escape.

“Are you sure it wasn’t my fault? Suppose you were meant to bring me to God? But look what happened instead. I caused you to break your promise. And even after that, I fought against it. What if Samuel was God’s way of trying to shake me up?”

“No.” Her head was still shaking vehemently. “God doesn’t work that way. He doesn’t.”

“He does that stuff all the time in the Bible. He frickin massacred all those Egyptian babies to make Pharaoh free the Israelites. He turned Sodom and Gomorrah into a salt mine when they couldn’t get their acts together.” I protested. Pulling examples out of the Bible was hitting her right where she lives. “And what about Noah and the great flood? Doesn’t seem too far fetched to believe he might be willing to sacrifice one more life to make a point.”

“Those may all be stories for all we know. God is a loving God. He has plenty of ways to help you come to him without doing that to us.” I could hear the desperation in her voice as she made her case. But I wasn’t done making mine.

“Like maybe coming so close to taking you and Harriet both?”

“What? No.” She stammered.

“And then when that didn’t work, He actually took you away. Until I finally gave in. Then miraculously He brought you back to me.” Funny thing, I never for a moment considered that April came back to anyone but me and Harriet.

April was shaking her head again but now her mouth was moving soundlessly, at a loss for making an argument against what I was saying.

I knew I had her on the ropes. It was time to land the final blow. 

“And you know what all three things had in common?” I knew she didn’t. “In each and every case I prayed. But it wasn’t until that last time, when you were beyond hope, that I actually put myself on the line, that instead of issuing a challenge, I promised. And I got my miracle, April. And I see now how it all could have been different.”

Her tears had stopped and instead her face held an expression I could not name. I thought I knew why. She must hate me now that it was clear that all the pain she had endured, everything I had put her through, was all the result of my clinging stubbornly to my unbelief. Had I just been a bit more open, a bit more willing to consider having faith in something I couldn’t touch, and listened and believed in the person I love more than life itself, then maybe it could have been different. Maybe we would be a family, April and Harriet and Samuel and I.

I was responsible for everything. I had fought against God and April became the collateral damage. It was an ironclad case. So when she stood up and came before me I expected the worst. I steeled myself for the moment when she would tell me she hated me and never wanted to see me again.

So I could only stand in shock when instead she wrapped her arms around me and, as she'd done a hundred times before, laid her head against my chest. But instead of her tears soaking my shirt, it was from my eyes that the tears flowed, falling into her hair. I felt my knees give way but somehow April held me upright.

She held me for a long long time while I sobbed. When I finally subsided she looked up at me.

“Jackson, God doesn't punish us that way. If he did, then only bad people and non-believers would suffer. But we all do. That is life. But, as a great man told me not so very long ago, God is not indifferent to our pain.”

“But if I had only found Him sooner..”

“Samuel would still have died, Jackson. I probably still would have gone to Jordan, and we might have still divorced. Jackson, maybe God did send me to you. But if so, then it's also true He sent you to me, right? And He knew what would happen. Nothing catches Him by surprise. And all that pain? Jackson, we have a beautiful daughter. For her I would do it all again in a heartbeat.”

Somehow April was smiling.

“You know, it's funny. That same great man told me that it's easy to have faith when everything is great. The hard part is to keep it when times are dark. But you found faith in my darkest time. How curious is that?”

“My darkest time, you mean.” I replied. And that's when I realized... the worst possible thing I could imagine would be to lose April. And in a way I had. But that hadn't been God's doing. That was all me. It made me want to cry again. But I didn't.

Instead I did something worse. I leaned down to kiss her.

But instead of rising to meet me, she withdrew from me.

She was still smiling but this smile wasn't her usual joyful smile. This smile was her sad smile.

“I'm afraid it's time for me to go home.” she said quietly.

“When can we meet again?” I asked, though I knew what her answer would be.

“We can't.” she answered. “Not like this anyway. I can't do this. Besides, I think I've given you the answer you came to me for.”

“But I still have questions.” I protested.

“You'll have to find your answers somewhere else.” she replied firmly.

I knew it was no use arguing or trying to persuade her. Exactly what she had feared had taken place. We both knew there was no going back across the line we had crossed. And I couldn't ask her to risk her newfound happiness any further just because I had finally realized grief at what we, or should I say, I, had lost.

She gave me her pastor's number though I doubted I would ever call him.

And then she said goodnight.

I didn't see her again until I dropped Harriet off a few days later. She was guardedly friendly but I could tell she was keeping a safe distance between us. I guess I wasn't surprised.

I couldn't help myself though. “Maybe we could have just one more meeting?” The look on her face was her reply. “We could meet in a public place. And only talk about God.”

“No, Jackson. You should talk to Maggie.”

“We broke up.”

“What?” she seemed really surprised though I honestly don't know why. She had to know that Maggie and I weren't a good fit for the long haul.

“Yeah, you know, she and I couldn't get back on the same page. We're going in different directions.”

“I guess I know what that feels like.” she allowed.

Any hope I might have had that my breakup with Maggie would make her reconsider meeting me again was dashed right away. “You should talk to Reverend Drew then. You still have his number?”

“Yes, but April...”

“No, Jackson, I told you, I can't.”

Of course. Matthew. I couldn't ask her to risk her marriage just to help me grieve for our lost one.

“Alright, I understand. Hey, do you mind if I use your bathroom real quick?”

As I peed I looked idly around the bathroom. There was something about it that was creating a vague tingling in my spidey sense but I was too preoccupied with my thoughts to make sense of it right then.

It was four days later when I saw them.

On my way home from the gym, I ducked into my favorite coffee joint to grab a latte. The place was busy as usual and I was waiting in line to order when I saw them sitting close together at a table near the back. He was sort of facing toward me so I recognized him right away. But he was absorbed with looking at her.

Facing away from me, all I could see was her hair, which she appeared to have changed quite a bit. For one thing, it was now blond. I'd known April with her natural brown and then, of course, as a redhead, but never seen her with blond hair.

They leaned close in conversation and the way they held hands across the table made it clear that they were happy to be together in that space. I turned away, pangs of jealously and regret threatened to ruin my post workout endorphin high.

When my name was called I picked up my latte and briefly toyed with the idea of dropping by their table just to say hi and get a closer look at a blond April. But I decided it was better for all concerned if I just left the scene.

Then they both stood and she picked up her purse, leaned forward and kissed him, then turned toward the door as he sat down again. I almost dropped my latte though because, instead of seeing a blond April walking toward me, I realized the woman that had just kissed Matthew goodbye wasn't April at all.

I stood dumbfounded as she brushed past me and out the door. It took me a few seconds to recover my wits but then I found myself marching back toward Matthew, who was now looking intently at his phone, completely unaware that he had been discovered and was about to get his ass kicked.

Just as I was coming into range to begin delivering that ass kicking, he looked up and saw me coming. He recognized me as instantly as I had him and stood up with a surprised expression on his face.

“You fucking asshole!” I snarled.

“Jackson?” he exclaimed.

I was already cocking my fist to deliver a roundhouse, figuring my best chance against a big guy like Matthew was to drop him quickly. However, my advance was suddenly impeded by the occupants of an adjoining table that picked that exact moment to push back their chairs directly into my path and stand up right between me and my target.

Frustrated for the moment by the loss of initiative, I warned “I am going to kick your ass.”

I saw Matthew's hands come up. But his expression remained one of surprise rather than guilt. “Bring it, pretty boy.” he replied. “You'll be a lot less pretty in a minute or two.”

The tight spaces and big crowd meant the people between us had nowhere to go so they just stood there helplessly while we threw violent threats at each other.

“I'm so going to mess you up, you scumbag. This is the lowest ..”

“We'll see who messes up who, you crazy... ”

“Crazy? You're the crazy idiot to go behind her back.”

Now Matthew lowered his fists a little and really looked perplexed. “What are you talking about? Go behind who's back?”

Did this guy think I was blind? “I saw you with that blond woman.”

“So?”

“So? So you really think I'm going to be fine with you cheating on April?”

Matthew looked at me like I'd grown a third eye. Slowly his expression shifted and a tight smile replaced his earlier surprise. “You think I'm cheating on April.” he declared.

“Yeah, well kissing a woman that isn't your wife is kinda convincing evidence.”

Still smiling, he shook his head. “She didn't tell you. How interesting.”

Now it was my fists slowly dropping to my sides. “Tell me what?”

Matthew had a strange expression on his face. He obviously knew something I didn't That made me a little uneasy. “Maybe you want to let these people by so they can leave.”

The lady in front of him shook her head. “If it's okay with you, I'd like to hear this. This is better than Desperate Housewives.” she told her companion. Fortunately her friend just shook her head and grabbed her elbow to usher her past me and toward the door, allowing me to finish my approach to Matthew's table.

I went cautiously, lest he try to sucker punch me with my guard down. But instead, he sat back down in his seat, beckoning me to sit in the seat formerly occupied by the blond.

Neither of us said anything for a moment or two. I waited expectantly for him to reveal whatever he thought he had to tell me. But instead of telling me anything, he started asking me questions.

“When did you last talk to April?”

Uh-oh, this could be a trap, I thought. Seeing I was reluctant to answer, he continued.

“Oh, come on, I know you've talked to her since Karev's wedding.”

Karev's wedding? That was odd. “Your wedding, you mean.” I corrected. “Yeah, I've talked to her a few times. We do share Harriet, after all.”

“Uh-huh. So what did you talk about in those few times?”

My God! This dude is pretty damn jealous for a guy who's cheating on his wife!

“Not that it's any of your business but we mainly talk about Harriet and work and lately, she's been kind of helping me with some questions about God.”

As expected, that little tidbit caught him completely by surprise, I noted with satisfaction. Seems like I'm not the only one April is keeping secrets from.

“God? You?” Seems like he was aware of my Godless past.

“Yeah, seems part of the fallout of your almost killing April a few months ago, is me becoming a believer.”

“Well, I'll be damned!” he exclaimed.

I didn't say it but cheating on April seemed very likely to lead to that outcome.

After digesting the information for a few moments, Matthew resumed asking his odd questions.

“So in these talks of yours, did April ever mention me?”

Now I was back to being surprised. Where was he going with this?

“Not really. I get the idea she'd rather I didn't talk about you and her. Probably worried I'd say things she didn't want to hear.” Like what a paranoid and possessive prick you are, I thought.

Matthew's eyes flashed. “Pretty likely, given your past history.”

That was too much. “Listen, pal,” I drew out the pal part, “aside from that one time, I was nothing but supportive of you where she was concerned.” We both knew what one time I was referring to. “Remember that streetside tracheotomy you botched the hell up? I lied to her for you so she wouldn't think she was marrying an idiot. Then, back in the Spring, I was fully onboard with her marrying you even though I'm not your biggest fan. You know why? Because I knew it would make her happy. Because that's what it comes down to for me. It doesn't matter how I feel about you. All I care about is that she gets the happiness she deserves. Because she does deserve it, damn it.”

“How about that? We do agree on something. April does deserve happiness.”

“How can you even say that when I just caught you cheating on her.”

“Because you didn't.”

“Dude, I saw you. Are you going to tell me that you and the blond are just acquaintances?”

“No, we're more than that.”

“Then you admit you're cheating?”

“No, I'm not.”

“But...”

“Jackson, April and I are not married.”

Chapter Text

I tried to get comfortable in my seat and get a little sleep but it was impossible. After getting used to private jets and commercial first class it was humbling to be flying coach again, humbling and frickin uncomfortable. But it is what it is and I didn’t have a lot of choices for this leg of my trip home.

Truth be told, I probably wouldn’t have been able to sleep even in the first class cabin, exhausted as I was. Too many things were swirling around my brain, not the least of which was the fate that awaited me when I landed in Seattle in a few hours.

For the millionth time I replayed that scene in Starbucks when Matthew revealed that he and April weren’t married. Wow, did that ever flip my world upside down. I walked out of there so stunned I forgot my frickin latte.

How could April let me continue to believe she and Matthew were married? How could she not tell me? I was her best friend for Godsakes! Okay, so maybe I had abdicated that position, but I am the father of her child and whether she is married or not is extremely material to our daughters welfare.

The thing is, at that time, I wasn’t actually sure she had been intentionally misleading me or had assumed I already knew. I mean it was certainly plausible that she had told Hunt and figured he had spread the word. Even fit pretty well with her precondition of not talking about her and Matthew. This uncertainty was damned inconvenient for a bunch of reasons, not the least of which it really limited how mad I could be at her for this. Damned inconvenient!

In addition to the whole deception thing, there was a whole lot more to consider with this revelation. What had caused her to call it off? Was it just about Matthew and her or did it have something to do with me? If the latter, did that mean she still had feelings for me? Were those feelings actionable? Did I want them to be?

Only one person had the answers to all these questions. Once again, my quest for answers was pointing me right toward April.

I remember the look on her face when she answered the door and found me standing there. I could see she was surprised so I immediately assumed my fear that Matthew had called to tip her off was unfounded. Had he done so she would have certainly expected some kind of reaction from me.

“Jackson, this is a surprise.”

“Hey.” I answered.

She leaned on the door frame. “What are you doing here?”

“We need to talk.” I replied. “I have more questions.”

“Jackson, I told you, I can’t. I have no more answers for you.” She answered, shaking her head.

“You are the only one who does.” I answered back.

“No, Reverend Drew knows …”

I cut her off. “He can’t help me. Only you can now.”

I think that is when it dawned on her that this was not another GodQuest session. She looked at me. I looked at her.

“First, anything you want to tell me? Maybe something important? Something you might have neglected to mention before?”

It is a rare occasion when I cannot decode April’s facial expression. But this is one of those times. I couldn’t  decide if she was puzzled, suspicious, guilty, or a little of all three.

But I didn’t have the patience to wait for her to reveal herself. “Where’s your husband?” I asked.

That cleared things up right fast. April’s expression got very hard in a very easy to read sort of way.

“The fact that you’re asking that question tells me you already know the answer.”

“No thanks to you.” I answered testily. “I only just found out at Starbucks this morning.”

“Starbucks? What?”

“Straight from the not-groom himself. But only because I was about to beat the crap out of him for cheating on you.”

April’s head was shaking violently now. “You aren’t making any sense at all.”

“Well none of that’s important right now anyway. Tell me, did you know I believed you were married?”

One thing that will never change about April, if she feels guilty about something she can’t hide it for the life of her. So I had her answer without her uttering a syllable.

“You intentionally let me believe you were married to Matthew. April, how could you lie to me like that?”

“I never actually lied to you,” she protested. “At first I honestly thought you did know. Then, when I realized you didn’t, I just sort of neglected to inform you.”

“Sort of?”

“Okay, yes, I did not go out of my way to tell you what happened. But, really, why would I? My relationship status has nothing at all to do with your ‘GodQuest’ thing.”

“But it has quite a lot to do with our daughter.” I tried to keep from yelling, I really did, but at this point I felt like my head was going to explode.

“No, it really doesn’t. Harriet will always be our daughter whether we marry other people or not.”

“And what about us?” It was out of my mouth before I could even think about it.

April looked at me like I had just grown a third eye. “ Us ? Jackson, there is no us . Us ended a long time ago. Now I …, we.., need to move on and me be me and you be you.”

I wanted to argue the point. I wanted to tell her… what? What argument could I make? We were best friends? Uh, nope, not for a long time now. Each other’s favorite people? Even more of a stretch. The truth was starkly clear. What we are is exes . Exes ! I think that was the first time I confronted that face to face. And I didn’t like it. Even more to not like was the realization that I had brought it on. Somehow I had turned my favorite person in the world into my ex. Sure the things she had done bore some responsibility but this had clearly been mostly my own doing. Damn it!

Just in time though, another question popped into my head. “Why?” I asked.

“I just realized I wasn’t ready to jump into another marriage just yet, especially after all the history …”

“No, I mean why not tell me? Sure there was no obligation to but once you realized I didn’t know, why not tell me. You must have had a reason.”

Guilty April made another appearance. “I .., uh …, I just felt it was easier for now to have you believing I was married to Matthew.”

“Why, April?”

“Ugh, because! Because I need boundaries and space between us, that's why.”

“Space?”

“Yes! Space! I can’t be around you, Jackson. I can’t make myself forget and remembering is just too painful, so yes, I need space. I need to be away from you for awhile. I need the wounds to heal and seeing you just keeps opening up the scab. There, are you happy?”

Crap! I was anything but. But it made sense. Hell, she had basically told me this already. 

The way we’re doing this causes me pain

At the time I thought she just meant the whole living together thing but I guess I was wrong. Apparently she needed more distance from me than the few miles moving bought her. Needed it badly enough to leave Grey Sloan even. Thank God she hadn’t married Matthew in hopes that would provide it.

It caused her pain to see me, to be around me. As that started to sink in, I was reminded of another time, long ago, when I sorta felt the same about her. My cure for that was to demand a divorce, which I finally got, only to regret it almost immediately. Damn!

That left the two of us standing there, in her front doorway, staring at each other, wondering how in the world we could have gone from loving each other, being each other’s favorite person, to causing each other so much heartache.

“I’m sorry, April.” I finally said. By the look on her face, I think it surprised her.

“I’m sorry too. I really am.” She was wringing her hands the way she always does when she is in a difficult conversation. “It’s just … its just that every time I see you I remember…”

“Remember all the pain.” I shook my head.

Then she surprised me. “No! No, what I remember is all the good,” she replied, “and it just makes me … I don’t know…”

“Grieve for what might have been?” And this time I hit the mark.

“Yes, exactly. That’s a good way to describe it. That’s how it feels.”

“I know. I feel the same.” I answered. “But …”

“But what?” She prompted when my voice dropped off.

I wished for all the world that I hadn’t opened that can of worms with that but . Too late though. Only thing I could do now was forge ahead. “But, once again, your way of grieving is to run away.”

Her eyes flew wide and her mouth worked but no words came out. If my strategy for solving this situation was to convince her that we could interact painlessly then I had just detonated a big bomb under it.

Finally she found her voice again. “That’s so unfair.” 

“Maybe.”

“Entirely different circumstances.”

“Hard to deny the similarities.”

“I didn’t run away from you or anything else. I went to Jordan to find something.”

“What was that exactly?”

“My faith. My belief that even in the midst of sorrow and sadness good still prevails. Something to shock me back to life after Samuel. I didn’t run away, I ran toward.”

“I guess it’s a matter of perspective. To me it felt different.”

Then she hit me with a broadside that caught me entirely off-guard. “And your way of grieving, Jackson? To go on with your life as though nothing happened? To just move on to the next thing? To just wall yourself off from your feelings when it gets too hard? How has that worked for you?”

Now it was my turn to sputter. “I don’t… I didn’t… that’s not what…” I was really struggling to form a complete sentence.

But April just sighed and waved her hand. “Oh why are we doing this again? It’s just proving my point. I’m sorry, Jackson. I’ve said it a million times. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. Maybe if we had grieved together things would have been different. Sometimes I wonder if I cost you your chance to grieve at all. If so, I am truly sorry. Really I am.”

But something she said caught my attention. “What do you mean cost you your chance to grieve ?”

“I mean I think sometimes you never have really had a chance to get over Samuel’s death. I think perhaps my going away interfered with it.”

“Why would you think that?”

“It’s just that going to Jordan allowed me to do something positive to remember him by. It’s what finally allowed me to emerge from all the sadness and loss. You never really had that experience. I just wish I could have convinced you to come with me to Jordan.”

“You did.” I answered.

“What?”

“I tried to go with you. At the last minute I bought a ticket and went to the airport but the train was late and I got to the gate just as your plane was pulling back.”

“You never told me. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it wouldn’t have made any difference. By the time you came back I was convinced we were over.”

“Oh my God!”

“And if I had told you, you probably would have dragged me to Jordan on the next plane out.”

I think she appreciated my little attempt to lighten the mood.

“Very likely,” she answered. “Jackson, I do wish you had told me.”

“Well I had agonized about it since you first brought it up so …”

Silence again fell between us. It was April that finally broke through it.

“Jackson, I am sorry for not telling you about Matthew. I hope you understand.”

“I do. And I’m sorry to, for all of it. But we can figure it out, right?”

Although her expression was clearly doubtful, she answered “Sure.”

And I wished her goodnight and returned to my apartment with a lot to think about.

The flight attendant came around with the beverage cart and I asked for coffee, black. “How much longer until we land?” I asked. She pointed to the flight map above my seat tray. “About an hour,” she said.

As I laid in my bed that night my conversation with April kept rattling around in my head. The part about my grieving really had me thinking. Maybe she was right. Maybe I never really had completed the grieving process. After Samuel’s death most of my attention had been consumed by April and the dissolution of our marriage. Maybe, just maybe, I got stalled in the tearing apart the nursery stage. Because, truth be told, every time I thought about Samuel, I would feel that anger rise. But was it even possible to fix that? And, if so, how? I had no idea.

I thought back to some of the conversations April and I had about knowing and not knowing. Okay, I thought, here goes. “God,” I whispered, “I’m pretty new at this so please excuse any mistakes. I don’t know what to do here. April always said that was when you had to rely on faith. So here I am. I need help. Show me the way.”

I guess I knew better than to expect James Earl Jones voice to respond from my ceiling so I rolled over and went to sleep. By morning I barely remembered my first ‘voluntary’ prayer. A few hours later though, an interesting thing happened.

NOMA is a gangrenous infection of the face almost exclusively found in the poorest countries of the world. Practicing in Seattle, I never expected to see anything like it. But that morning a young boy was brought in who was newly arrived from West Africa and I was stunned at what I was seeing.

The soft tissues around the mouth had all been eaten away and the disease was now affecting his gums and jaws. I was at a loss to understand what I was looking at much less how to treat it. Fortunately, the nurse who took the patient’s history remembered that we had just hired a new plastics nurse that had spent the last few years in Africa. The nurse, Alicia, happened to be working that day so she was sent for.

Alicia came into the exam room, took one look at the patient, and uttered the word “NOMA”. She knew exactly what it was and exactly how to treat it. When I looked it up I confirmed she had it all exactly right. We started the child on antibiotics to arrest the disease itself and informed the patient’s guardian that in six months we would evaluate surgical options for repairing the damage the disease had already done.

Coming out of the exam room afterwards I thanked Alicia for all her help and asked her how she had come to know this NOMA so well. That’s when she told me she had just spent three years as an OR Plastics Team Lead Nurse on a Mercy Ship in Africa. When I told her I wasn’t familiar with Mercy Ships she suggested I check them out, telling me it was the most rewarding time in her life.

That night I did a little research. Mercy Ships, much like Doctor’s Without Borders, delivers medical services to places that lack them, primarily in the poorest parts of the world. Basically a floating hospital, the ships are staffed by volunteers doing everything from swabbing the deck to performing cleft palate surgery.

Many positions required a minimum multi-year commitment but surgeons were only asked to commit to a minimum two week period. It was an interesting story but I quickly dismissed it as an unrealistic option for me. I mean, I am definitely not the Peace Corps type. Besides, with Harriet to care for, I couldn’t just go trotting off to spend two weeks in some backwater location performing free surgeries.

So I closed my browser and tuned in Monday Night Football, figuring I would have forgotten all about it by halftime. But midway through the first quarter I found myself thinking about how much I had been given and feeling a little guilty about how little I had given back.

Halftime found me again opening my laptop and returning to the Mercy Ship site. Just for fun I browsed the available openings. Reconstructive Plastic Surgeon was listed as an ‘Urgent’ need. I shook my head. “Nah.” I muttered.

I missed the end of the game because I was studying the description of life aboard the ship. It didn’t sound too bad. “If I was a few years younger …” I said to no one.

The next day I sought out Alicia and asked if she was available to join me for lunch.

“I’m married, Doctor Avery,” she replied.

“Oh, no, not … I just wanted to hear more about your experiences with Mercy Ships.”

Reassured that I wasn’t hitting on her, she met me for lunch and told me all about her stint as a volunteer in Africa. The life she described was both extremely hard and extremely rewarding.

That night, staring at the online application form, I thought about how the ways Alicia talked about Africa reminded me of how April had described her experience in Jordan long ago. 

A month later I met April at Day Car. We had barely said two words to each other since that doorstep conversation. I was trying to respect her need for space regardless of the pain it brought me. But now I needed to ask her a favor. In a way, I rationalized, it fit pretty well with what she wanted. So I was surprised when her answer was…

“No.”

“What? April, it’s only two weeks.”

“Do you think this ship thing will make us even somehow?”

“No, that’s not what this is about. You are the one who said I never finished grieving. I think this may help.”

“What about Harriet?”

“April, it’s only two weeks. And I’ll have WiFi onboard. We can FaceTime or Skype or something every day.

“What about your job? Your patients?”

“Already got it approved. And think about the new stuff I’ll see and do. Like that NOMA stuff. I’ll see and do things I would never get a chance to here in Seattle.”

“But…”

“April, you are the one who left surgery to work with the poor. I wont be gone for nearly as long as you were.” And that finally closed the deal.

Three months later found me at SEATAC kissing Harriet and hugging April goodbye. Several hours later I boarded the Africa Mercy to begin my two week Plastics ‘rotation’ on the coast of Senegal.

The first week was tough, very tough. Not only were the days packed with one challenging surgery after another, it was absolutely heartbreaking to see how poor these people were. But somehow, whenever I got too tired or discouraged, something would happen that would pick me back up. Sometimes it was the simple gratitude of the people. Other times it was the community of volunteers going out of their way to keep each other upbeat. Most often though it was that daily video chat with Harriet and April that got me through.

Harriet’s interest in talking to me, being as young as she was, usually didn’t last very long into the call. But after she wandered off to do her Harriet things, April would provide a detailed description of everything our daughter had done that day, no matter how insignificant. I could tell she was making an extra effort to record everything so I wouldn’t miss a single thing in Harriet’s life.

Once I had heard the minute detail of Harriet’s day, April would stay on and listen as I described the things I had seen and done that day, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad. I moaned about the long days and seemingly endless string of cleft palate corrections and bragged about the occasional exotic case I got to confront.

Although she didn’t say much as I rattled on about my day, it somehow made me feel better for having shared it with her.

I got my first day off on my 7th day in country and decided to go ashore to get a taste of Africa, the land of my ancestors. Fortunately for me, our ship was docked in Dakar, a colorful, vibrant city that is the capital of the West African nation of Senegal. Senegal is a stable democracy and very safe for foreigners so I had no worries leaving the ship to wander the city with one of the other doctors, an orthopedic surgeon, who had just completed a month onboard the Mercy.

Senegal is predominantly Muslim so he made sure I was briefed on the proper behavior and customs so as not to cause any problems. In addition to local dialects, French is widely spoken, much more than English, so I hoped I could dredge up enough of my prep school French to get by.

It was a day I’ll never forget. Everywhere we went the people were so friendly and when they found out we were doctors on the Mercy, they really went overboard, no pun intended, to lavish us with kindness and food, especially food. In Dakar, they are really proud to host the Mercy and grateful for the care she provides.

I think it was the sensations of that day that will stay seared into my memory. The sights and smells and tastes and sounds of the city were amazing. The Marché Sandanga, the oldest and most enormous market in Dakar, was just amazing. I could have spent the entire day in the Museum of African Arts instead of the brief three hours we had there. And the effort to get to the top of the largest statue in Africa, the African Renaissance Monument, was well worth it for the view across the rooftops of Dakar.

That night my call to Harriet and April was filled with Dakar. I guess my exuberance carried me away a little because after describing everything I saw and did, poorly I think, “I wish you had been here with me,” slipped out. I was relieved when April replied “I feel like I was.”

The following day I was back on the surgical schedule and my time flew by. My second to the last day, I happened to ask who would be taking my place and found out they didn’t have anyone. That night I asked April if she could keep Harriet for another two weeks and she said “Yes.”

Bailey wasn’t so easy. I had, after all, already taken a lot of leave from the hospital for my GodQuest. But I happened to mention that Dakar was home to La Maison des Esclaves (The House of Slaves), a museum documenting the slave trade, she relented and granted my extension. Yeah, that was sort of manipulative but it was for a worthy cause I figured so I could forgive myself.

My second two weeks went much like the first, at least until the last day. That last day was something else. The day was pretty emotional from the start as I was torn between excitement to be going home and sadness at leaving. Of course, the sadness was exacerbated by the endless string of colleagues stopping by the OR to say goodbye and wish me well. It’s crazy how close you get with others in those types of environments.

But the big thing happened at the very end of the day. I had finished my last surgery and was scrubbing out when I heard a page go out for any surgeon available to report to one of the ORs. Curious, since I knew we had taken our last patient onboard hours ago, I made my way to an OR I had not been in previously as it was used primarily for Pediatric patients.

On the table was a young woman, obviously very much in labor, and very much in distress. The wife of one of our crew, she had apparently suddenly gone into labor and a nurse had determined the baby was breech. Normally OB is done onshore as it is not part of the Mercy mission but in this case there was no time to transfer her or bring an OB aboard. The OR nurse looked at me. I was the only surgeon that had answered the call.

It had been years since I had delivered a baby, much less done a C-Section, but we didn’t have a lot of options so I soon found myself making the necessary incision.

It was a worse case scenario. The cord was tightly wrapped around the baby’s neck. He had no pulse or heartbeat. No one would have questioned me for calling it. But somehow I just couldn’t. I couldn’t get the memory of listening to April tell Ben to save our baby even if it meant losing her. I couldn’t forget her primal scream as he cut her open with a kitchen knife and no anesthesia on Meredith’s kitchen table. I couldn’t keep from feeling the terror that I would lose her and the baby both from rising up in me again. And I couldn’t escape remembering the heartbreak of watching Samuel slip away while April held him in her arms.

So I didn’t. Give him up, I mean. And we brought him back. Somehow, miraculously, we brought him back. And when the woman was wheeled to recovery she was a new mother with her son by her side.

An hour later I was waiting with my bags dockside when one of the Mercy’s deckhands ran down the gangway and shook my hand, thanking me for saving his wife and son.

It wasn’t until I was in the taxi on the way to the airport that I broke down in tears. The driver probably thought I was crazy.

I was shaken out of my reverie when the cabin lights came on and I heard the pilot announcing we were on approach to SEATAC. Though I had only been gone a month, it seemed like much longer. I couldn’t wait to see Harriett again. But I honestly had no idea what I should do about her mother.

On one hand, I think I finally understood Jordan. I think I saw the link to her grieving and finding something there that she couldn’t in Seattle, even with me. And I even think I could now make sense of her returning, though it was still painful to me.

On the other hand, I think I also understood her present predicament and why she thought she needed space from me. I had just spent a month half a world away from her but somehow felt closer to her than I had in years. It wasn’t fair to her to keep pulling her back and pushing her away. If I was going to go there, it had to be all the way. But even if I was ready to commit, was she willing to give me one more chance? Or had that ship sailed?

When I’d finally deplaned and cleared customs, I headed for baggage claim and pulled out my phone to call my mom. The plan was for her to pick me up and drop me off at home so I could clean up a little before I went to pick up Harriet at April’s.

Before I could call my mom I saw a text message from her indicating there had been a change of plans. Seems Harriet had been excited to have daddy come home so April had agreed to bring her to pick me up instead. I thought that might be a good thing.

When I finally emerged from the Customs Hall at SEATAC, the first thing I heard was Harriet’s excited squeal. “Daddy! Daddy!” She was easy to spot, with April struggling to restrain her from charging into the flow of travelers coming out of the restricted area. I was almost to them when April gave up and turned her loose. She charged forward and threw herself into my arms and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to be home. 

Harriet was still showering me with sloppy wet kisses when I reached April. “Mommy! Daddy’s home!” She squealed. “Mommy happy?”

I looked at April. She looked at me. Then she sighed and gave a little shrug. “Yes, Nugget, Mommy’s happy too.” 

April stuck around until Harriet finally wound down and we put her to bed in my apartment. Then she grabbed her coat and made ready to leave. I was exhausted but didn’t want to wait another minute to speak with her. I had things I needed to say to her.

“April, please, would you please stay a few minutes? I’d really like to talk with you.”

“No,” she answered abruptly, “I told you. I am not your answer. I can’t do this with you again, Jackson, I can’t.”

I was about to argue but she held up a hand to stop me. “Jackson, I’m all scar tissue now. I just can’t.”

As the person responsible for most of those scars, both physical and emotional, I didn’t have a good answer for her so I let her go.

But one thing Senegal had taught me, in the short time I was there, was that even in the most hopeless of cases and situations, there are miracles to be found, and if not to be found, maybe to be created instead.

So the next day I called April. I was terrified that she might not answer a call from me but, of course, she had to. Harriet was in my care after all. But I was sure I detected a note of suspicion in her voice.

“What?”

“Hey, listen, I’m wondering if you would consider letting me come to services with you and Harriet this Sunday?”

“Uhhh…” That note of suspicion became a symphony.

“Relax, April, I am just asking you to introduce me to your Reverend Drew.”

“Why?” she asked, caught completely off-guard.

“Why? Did you forget your own advice? You said I should talk to him.”

“So just call him and set up an appointment.”

“Right. Hi Reverend, you don’t know me but we met once when I interrupted a wedding you were officiating and ran off with the bride. Good times, eh? I can just imagine how anxious he would be to meet with me.”

“And you think me introducing you as my now ex-husband is going to make him more anxious?”

“I think the fact that you and Harriet are part of his flock will earn me a little more leeway than cold-calling him might.” I responded. I couldn’t help but compare the effort I had to put in to convince her now to how she would have responded a few years ago had I asked to go to church with her.

I interpreted the silence on the phone as April unable to make an effective counterargument. Finally she said, “Alright. The service is at ten. I’ll text you the address. After the service find me and I’ll introduce you.”

Geez, she didn’t even want me to sit with them! But, having achieved my goals, I decided against arguing the point. No sense antagonizing her any further. I needed the deck stacked as much in my favor as possible if my desired outcome was to be.

I watched from my car as April and Harriet entered the church hand-in-hand at ten-to-ten. I waited about five minutes before slipping into one of the pews at the back of the crowded church. I could see April’s red hair across the aisle a few rows back from the front. Occasionally she surreptitiously glanced back and I knew she was trying to spot me but I successfully avoided her gaze. I thought the element of surprise might serve me well.

The service was actually pretty good. The reverend is actually a pretty good speaker, if a little too reserved for my tastes. I was missing the preachers I met in Senegal and their extra exuberance and, of course, the African choirs put these poor suburbanites to shame.

To be honest, I was only half listening to the service anyway. Instead I was thinking through the real reason I was there that day and wondering if I was about to make the second biggest mistake of my life instead of erasing the one in the top slot.

Finally, the service was drawing to a close and the Reverend was making some announcement about a bake sale or something. I took a deep breath and stood up.

Poor Reverend Drew. He stopped mid-sentence and stared at me. He recognized me right away. Probably thought he was having deja vu. 

“Uh oh.” he said into the podium microphone.

“Sorry to interrupt,” I began, “but I have something I need to say and I want to say it before God and all you good people.”

“That’s not really how it works …”

I ignored his protest and stepped across the couple seated next to me so I could stand in the aisle. My track record for this sort of thing was better in the aisle.

By now everyone in the church was looking at me. Of course that included April, who sort of half rose out her seat with a shocked expression on her face. It wasn’t too much different than the one she’d had when I first pulled this stunt.

“April, I think you are wrong about needing space. I don’t want space. I hate the idea of space between us.”

“When Samuel died, you died, I died, and we died. But April, sometimes that’s not the end of things. Jesus died, but then He came back and it made something bigger and greater. You died but you went to Jordan and found life again. I understand that now. I understand how you could find that there, amidst all the pain and suffering. I got a little taste of that myself in Africa. And I think maybe I have finally found a little peace there too.”

“Now, April, now I find myself grieving for us. I can’t help but think though, if you can come back from the dead, and I can come back from the dead, why can’t we come back? What we had was so great. And that was before Harriet even. I was wrong to call it. I know that now. But maybe, just maybe, it’s not too late. Maybe we can also come back from the dead and make something bigger and greater too. Shouldn’t we try?”

Now every head in the church swung around to look at April. I held my breath as I saw her chewing her lip nervously. I took the fact that she was obviously conflicted as a good sign. At least she hadn’t dismissed me outright.

“Jackson…” she whispered, “I can’t.”

Once I might have admitted defeat at that point. But not now. I could bring babies back from the dead after all.

“April, I love you. And I think you still love me.”

“Too many wounds. Too much pain.” she pleaded.

“Those scars?” I said, “They are my favorite parts.” I began walking toward her. “They are what make you who you are. You lost your faith and found it again and it’s stronger than ever. You delivered Harriet by C-sec on a kitchen table without anesthesia. You survived hours with no vital signs. Our son died in your arms but you found a way back. You are the strongest person I’ve ever known.” I stood in front of her. “We can do this. We can be a family.”

April stood there, tears in her eyes, unable to muster a word, just shaking her head ever so slowly.

I had one bullet left. “April, you just need to have faith.” 

I exited the restroom and made my way toward the booth. Sliding into the seat I picked up the laminated menu.

“What looks good?” I asked Harriet.

“Wafflas” she squealed. I had trained her well.

Across the table, April shook her head. “Like father, like daughter”.

“Nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” I replied.

The waitress appeared. “Can I start you off with something to drink?”

“Absolutely! Milk for her,” I indicated Harriet, “and mimosas and coffees for us.” 

“Uh, just water for me.” April interjected.

I looked at her. After church we always went out to breakfast and had a mimosa. And I was pretty sure it was at least 50% coffee running in her veins.

“What’s up? No mimosa? Are you sick?”

“Not exactly.” she answered evasively.

“Not exactly? What does that mean?” Then it dawned on me. “Wait!”

April just smiled at me.

"Thank you Lord!" I whispered.