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Bucky wrestled with his sheets.
Bucky was a total science nerd, Steve knew that and he loved it, more to tease it. He could go on for hours about science and all the possibilities of the future and Steve would listen the whole time. Something as simple as that made him feel loved.
He jolted awake, trying desperately to escape the memories, but he could never escape from those next words. Until his dying breathe those beautiful line would linger, unlike their promise.
“You wanna know my favorite thing about the future Stevie?” The other boy shook his head in response, but smiled just the same, “Growing old with you.” Bucky smiled like an idiot in love because, well, he was one.
Those five fucking words. At the time it felt like heaven, but they were really hell in disguise. Once a loving moment soured with the knowledge in their falsehood. Because Steve left Bucky. The thought tore through his lungs.
The lights flashed on. His fist tightened ready for a fight, he was always ready for a fight. His body relaxed momentarily, it was only his roommate. There in the doorway concern written all over his face. It turns out Bucky was shouting out in his sleep. There was no other reason for Sam to be here.
“You okay? Need anything?” Sam asked it with a gentle smile. Probably hoping it would help calm him, but it only annoyed him.
“What I need isn’t coming back.” Bucky mumbled.
“I'm here for you, to talk I mean. You know I helped him with losing you.” Sam frowned as he sat on the edge of Bucky’s once shared bed.
“So? He thought I was dead, I know he’s alive just not with me. I want him to be happy I do, but I love him, Sam, I love Steve so fucking much it hurts.” he lowered his head away from Sam’s view, but that didn't stop him from knowing there was tears on his cheek.
“I know it doesn't seem like it now, but one day this won’t be so bad. You should focus on the good times. Plus you don’t have to deal with his dumbass picking fights all the time, that’s a win for the both of us.” Sam rested his hand on the other man’s arm, trying to console his roommate and best friend.
Bucky smiled just a bit. “That’s how we met. Some girl was being picked on by a guy who supposedly liked her and Steve of course helped her. Yelled at the guy about how that's not how you should treat the people you like, well he did until he got a fist to the face. Got a black eye for it, but I did worse to the other guy. But now…” his smile faded.
“Hey he’s not gone. I know that’s not what it’s about, but at least you have him.” Sam reminded him, his patience wearing thin.
“You’re right, that’s not what its about. We grew up together through thick and thin and we planned for it to always be that way that's just not how it happened. This time, maybe just this time we’ll stay together. But he has to go and leave and for her?” his eyes were train to the wall. A wall that now had a hole the size of his fist. He took a moment to collect himself, Sam wasn’t the enemy and neither was the wall even if it was the ugliest thing he's ever seen.
“Hey you're not his only friend anymore. He was my family too, so stop being a dick,” he huffed. His tone evened out as he went on. “And don't hurt yourself anymore.” Sam closed his palm over Bucky's arm gently.
“I just I don't get it why wasn't our life good enough? Yeah I knew what he planned, but that didn’t make it hurt any goddamn less.” Bucky revealed his tearful eyes in surrender.
“Wait you knew?” he asked, shocked. Of course he was, why wouldn’t he be.
“Yes. I think I knew before he was even sure.” Bucky sighed. He turned away from Sam done with the conversation. He knew he was right, but how could he go on as if nothing happened. So much fucking happened.
He would need time and Sam would let him have it. He went back to the doorway. “Hey Sam,” Bucky faced Sam. “I’m sorry you were just trying to help. I shouldn’t- You lost him too.” he never was good with emotions even before all this. Just saying sorry was hard, but he was.
“Want the light on or off?” Sam questioned.
“Off please.”
“M’kay.” He walked away the light still blazing.
“I hate you.” Bucky called after him.
“Hate you too.”
When his mind finally slowed and was half unconscious an idea came to him. Without much thought he followed through.
The next day he woke up from a text. Of course. It was a response to what he texted last night apparently, he had no memory of sending Can we meet up tomorrow? to Steve though.
Once he agreed to a café to meet Bucky set out. They needed somewhere that was new, nothing to remind them of the past. That wasn't too hard to find, most places from their youth were torn down and they hadn’t had much time to go out since Hydra.
Steve sat down across from him, it wasn’t the one he’d known all his life, but it was who he was now. Bucky said nothing as he joined the table only continued to drown his sorrows. If only it was alcohol, that would've helped, but he was stuck with tea.
“Is this why you called me here, to ignore me?” Steve asked after the minutes of dragged on.
“What the fuck am I supposed to say? How ya been? How’s Peggy?” Steve had no answer so Bucky kept going. “How ‘bout the kids, did you have any? How was watching your ex grow up?” Steve glared at him, but it was the truth.
“Peggy told you she was happy without you, that you should move on. Yet you went back without thinking that I couldn't move on without you.” Bucky's voice rang louder.
“Hey I’m still here Buck. Peggy has nothing to do with us. Nothing has to change.” he frowned. That wasn’t true. None of it was they both knew that.
“That’s exactly why I’m mad! I had nothing with you for another seventy years. What hasn’t changed?” he asked, years of yearning tore throw his voice.
“My love for you. It will never change Buck.” it was all Steve could say. Bucky had the right to be upset, but Steve also had the right for once be selfish.
“I asked you if I was worth it to you years ago, you probably don’t remember seeing how long its really been, but I did and I now know the truth.” Bucky growled.
“You are worth it you always have been! Do you think I became a criminal just for fun? It was for you! Bucky I will always love you. Even when I was with Peggy and my nonexistent kids. No I didn’t have any if you really wanted to know. And Sharon, I was just confused when I was momentarily with her. We both were.” Steve sighed, angry eyes were staring back at his pleading eyes.
“Look I didn't even want to stay. My plan was to return the stones then dance with Peggy. It didn’t work out. I don’t know what failed but when I meant to come back I was stopped. It took years to figure it out, I was never as smart as you. I went to Peggy for help and yes we did get married. We thought it was a lost cause at that point so I changed plans. But after some time we got it.”
“Is that the truth?” He questioned.
“Why would I lie?”
“Why would you leave?”
“That’s the point Bucky. I didn’t want to leave you. I wouldn’t do that. Never.”
“You lived a whole live without me, still. You aren’t the same man I loved. Just look at yourself.”
“Pal you should look like this too.”
“I would be hotter.” His instinct was to joke with Steve it would always be, even through the pain.
“We can’t undo this, but we still have time. Don’t give up on me yet.” that was all Steve could ask for.
They were trying and that’s what counted. In times of need Steve was there and so was Sam. He finally had a family again.