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Liam exhales, breath quivering just slightly as he starts the camera. He’s not even technically doing this in front of anyone’s face, and yet he’s scared shitless.
Then again, he reminds himself--he is telling the three million plus people that follow him, so maybe it’s alright for him to be a wee bit nervous.
If he can, he wants to do it all in one tape. So far, the previous tapes have been utter rubbish, Liam tripping over his own words as he struggles to remember what it’s like to think.
Closing his eyes, he takes in one little breath. He doesn’t care how much time he’s wasted. He can always cut it out later.
“Hey, I’m Liam,” he starts, deciding to go more simple this time. His words don’t need to be wrapped in a suit and tie, just as honest and as raw as they can be. “And I have a secret.”
Ignoring the goose pimples that run down his arms at his words, he continues on. “I’ve been hiding a part of my life for… well, a while now.” He sheepishly rubs his hand over the back of his neck, making sure to look into the camera even though every part of him is screaming to look away, look away!
“I’ve been pretending to be single, when, in all honesty, I haven’t been,” he sighs. Forcing himself to go on, he smiles, holding up a Batman necklace that he’d quickly shown off in a video a couple of years ago. “There were clues, really,” Liam admits as he effortlessly clasps the necklace around his neck, the muscle memory serving the motion well. “But I never gave you any hints that you should be looking for anything, anyway.”
He pans to the brightly-colored graffiti art on his wall behind him, going slow enough that he knows his viewers will be forced to pay attention to its cacophony of cartoonish figures. Flipping back to himself, Liam gives a dopey grin. He knows immediately it’s the type of smile that says, I’m so gone, but I don’t even care. He doesn’t try to hide it.
“I didn’t lie when I said that I paid the artist for that.” He quickly raises his eyebrows. “But I may have paid more in kisses and cuddles than in actual pounds.”
He already had the foresight to know he was going to title the video, “My Secret Boyfriend,” but he still finds himself avoiding any pronouns for the time being. Waiting--for something, but he’s not sure what. Courage, maybe? The right time?
“Sorry, that’s being way too soppy, isn’t it?” Flipping the camera back to the wall suddenly, he zooms in on the one-eyed blob-like creature in an attempt to change the subject. “The pink guy’s my favorite, that one over there. Love the whole thing, though, of course.” He stays focused on the graffiti for a few seconds longer.
Shrugging, he puts the camera back on himself. “At first, I tried to hide it: the wall, the necklace, anything that would give any hints that might lead back to--him.” He finds himself stumbling on the word just slightly, but pushes himself through it nonetheless. He’d just needed a couple of opportunities before he could push the words forward.
“But then I thought, why does it matter what you all do or don’t see? I want to show off his work, I want to show off his gifts. And, finally, I want to show him off, too. I’m ready for that now.”
As soon as he says the words, he realizes they’re true, realizes that he’s not making a mistake with this video, that he’s not going to regret it in the slightest.
“Another gift I want to show you,” he rambles just a bit, and he knows he’s doing it, but he’s unable to stop himself, anyway. “Is my Cartier.” He lifts up his arm to put the gold bracelet into view. “It’s a Love Bracelet.” Ducking his head shyly, his lips upturn at the ground. “And it’s from my secret. His name is Zayn.”
Looking up at the camera to give those watching an appreciative look, he says, “A couple of you eagle-eyed viewers have picked up on that one as of late. Good work, really. I don’t think I would have noticed myself…” He clears his throat. “Well, you know, if it wasn’t on me.”
He shakes his head just slightly. “Sorry, I’m a little nervous, as you can probably tell.” He swallows down the pounding of his heart in his throat.
Pursing his lips, Liam pauses. “So, for those of you that remember these kinds of details well, I’ve had this art on my wall for a bit now. And I’ve had that necklace way, way beyond that. So yeah, you’ve probably figured out that I’ve been lying by omission for a couple of years now. 2 ½ years, in fact.”
Unconsciously playing with the necklace around his neck, he gulps. “Honestly, I was scared. I was afraid that dating so publicly would turn Zayn off, that it would drive him away somehow.” Liam shakes his head, fighting back tears just at the mere thought of that.
“But I don’t think that will happen, not really. No, more than that, I was afraid to come out.” His voice gets quieter, more timid. “Afraid that some of you might judge me, might not like me anymore. Might even send me hate.”
He squirms around in his seat on the floor, seemingly uncomfortable until he wraps two fingers around his Cartier bracelet. Breathing out slowly, he adds, “But we’ve moved in together, if you didn’t already gather that from the wall.” Liam nods back to it with a small smile. “Zayn’s dog, Rhino, came with us. And Loki and Watson are here as well. All of us are here to stay, so it’s time I stop running.”
Liam trails off, seemingly lost in thought for a half of a second. He seems somber for an instant when he finishes, “This,” he gestures to the wall, the house, his whole life, “is what it is. It’s not going to change. If you want to unsubscribe, dislike… just because of who I am or who I love, I don’t care anymore.” (He doesn’t say that, well, he does still care a little bit. But he’s trying to be dramatic here, after all.)
His eyes brighten suddenly as something dawns on him. “Those of you that stay will get to see all the gifts I’ve bought Zayn!” He almost squeals. “I can finally show you all! Get ready for some quality content, friends, as I show off my boyfriend to my world.” Doing his best attempt at a wink, his signature two-eyed wink, he gives another smile, this time seemingly much more content. “Long overdue, I know, but better late than never, huh?”
Liam hears a key turn and his eyes dart to the clock. Shit, Zayn’s home. “So, uhh, to recap: I have a boyfriend, his name is Zayn,” he says as he attempts to wrap up the video. “He’s my favorite person--sorry, Mum--and he makes me a better person every day. He’s artistic, funny, thoughtful, and just so many more adjectives than I can fit in this tiny little video,” he gushes. Counting the adjectives out on his fingers, he tries to hold back his blinding grin. “But all I know is I can’t wait to spend the rest of my days by his side. And I can’t wait to take you all with us as we make up for lost time.”
He knows Zayn’s entered the room, can feel his gaze from the kitchen but he ignores it, trying not to wonder how much of that he’s heard.
He glances full on at the camera, suddenly feeling so happy he might burst. “So, hey, I’m Liam.” He gives a small wave to the viewers. “And I have a secret: I’m in love.”
He can’t help himself. He beams for a few moments, only standing when he hears Zayn walk over to him. “Finished the video, babe?” He asks quietly, and it’s so full of awe, of wonder, that Liam finally feels the tears starting to well up. “I’m so proud of you,” he whispers, leaning close so he can rub Liam’s biceps gently. Pressing a light kiss to his lips, he sighs, “And I’m in love with you, too.”
Liam looks at him fondly, pouting just slightly from the overload of emotions zipping through him. “One second,” he gets out as his brain slowly comes back to his body, realizing that he needs to turn off the camera still. He quickly steps away to do so when he adds, “I was still filming all that.”
Zayn shrugs, seemingly unbothered. “That’s okay.”
It sounds so genuine that Liam turns to him, biting his lip in thought for a second before he asks, “Actually, then, do you mind if I put that end bit in the video, too? Might be nice to let people see a bit of you. Us, together.”
Liam looks closer at the angle of the camera. “Well, the bottom half of you, anyway.”
Zayn giggles at that, stepping back into Liam’s bubble so he can press another soft kiss to Liam’s lips, saying almost immediately, “Of course not. I’ve been waiting to tell the world you’re mine for years now, haven’t I? Might as well start today.”
Liam knows he’s already said it, but he can’t stop himself from repeating it in a hushed tone. “I love you so much, Zayn. I’m so glad you’re not going to be my secret anymore.”
“Me too, Li, me too,” Zayn says as he pecks the top of his head and drags him towards the kitchen. “Now, come on. You can edit that soon. You’ve had a long day, so let me make you dinner, boyfriend.”
It’s not that they hadn’t called each other boyfriend before, or that their friends or family didn’t know. But still, they’d had to be so secretive over the past few years. Finally being able to say the word aloud without fear of anyone hearing it was so liberating, in a way that Zayn never wanted to end.
“You’re the best, boyfriend,” Liam coos in response.
“Oh, I heard,” Zayn says coyly, flashing a grin to Liam as he quirks his eyebrows.
“Shit, you heard all that?” Liam whines, covering his face in his hands. He knew that Zayn was probably going to watch the video at some point, seeing that it was basically all about him, but he’d hoped somehow that they’d never, ever have to talk about it.
“I’m your favorite, and I make you a better person, and--” Liam shuts him up with a long, drawn-out kiss.
“Okay, okay, we get it,” he sighs in fake exasperation as he pushes him lightly. “Don’t make me end this relationship before it’s even Youtube official.”
“Fine,” Zayn gives in with a faux, dramatic huff. “Now sit down, relax a bit, and let’s talk about all the poems I can dedicate to you now that we’re officially official.”