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Snufkin was drunk.
Snufkin was profoundly drunk.
Snufkin was leaning on his shoulder and crying.
Moomin had never dealt with this sort of thing before. He'd always been the one to get smashed and then he'd wake up sober and with a hangover and not a lot of memory of the night before. He's never been the one to comfort the crying friend.
He's not even sure why Snufkin was crying. Snufkin is not the type of person to cry. He's exceptionally laid back and cool with almost anything.
Moomin expected that when he got drunk he would just be the same Snufkin and maybe a little more talkative. A little looser.
Moomin did not expect the overflow of emotions. Snufkin had been through the 7 stages of grief and back again. He'd been yelling about a small bird he found, dead and flightless. He'd been so distraught by it that he'd kneeled beside it and started talking to it.
Moomin had to pull him by the shoulders back towards the house.
He wasn't sure they'd ever make it to the house.
He really wanted a drink, but then, who would take care of Snufkin? Snufkin could normally take care of himself, but when he was like this? No. No way.
Snufkin had also been over-the-top excited to see every little living thing in the forest. Normally, yes, Snufkin admired the forest creatures, but now he was yelling in complete joy for them, and he was scaring them off.
Moomin really hadn't expected this from the calm and collected friend he thought he knew so well.
Everything mattered, suddenly.
Snufkin, now tear-free, abruptly turned to Moomin and poked him in the stomach.
"Ow," Moomin said grumpily. He wasn't exactly enjoying this. Snufkin not three seconds ago was a bawling mess on his shoulder.
And the second the word left his mouth, Snufkin crumpled again.
"Oh, oh- I'm so sorry, my Moomintroll, I didn't mean to hurt you, oh my goodness..." He reached for the spot he'd poked and stroked it gently.
Moomin froze. He was sure that it was just the alcohol talking, yes of course it was, but it made him extremely nervous to be in the presence of such an affectionate Snufkin.
"It's fine," He said, lowering Snufkin's hand. He couldn't allow Snufkin to do that, no matter how much Moomin may want him to.
But Moomin wants him to do it when he's not intoxicated. When he's aware of what he's doing. And Moomin knows perfectly well that in the morning, he won't do this. He won't want to. Obviously. So this is all alcohol.
"It's not fine!" Snufkin burst into fresh tears and Moomin had to refrain from rolling his eyes. Snufkin was being a lot more of a baby than he usually was. "It's not fine because I hurt you, and I didn't mean to hurt you!"
"You didn't hurt me. I'm fine."
"Oh, but I hurt you every time I leave, and I can't fix it, and I know you're sad and I hate when you're sad but I can't just not leave! There's no way to please you, is there?" Snufkin went from saddened to almost angry.
Moomin was taken aback.
"Snufkin, it doesn't matter. I-"
"It matters a lot!" Snufkin, almost screeching, poked him again. Harder. "It matters so much, my Moomintroll. It matters that you're sad! I love you so much, and you hate me because I leave every year!"
"I don't hate you," Moomin grabbed his hands to keep them from poking. "Of course I don't hate you, Snufkin. You know that. You know me. You know I would never be angry at you, or sad for too long.... because you always come back."
Snufkin shut up for a minute and just stared at him. He looked absolutely starstruck.
"Now, c'mon. Let's go home. I guarantee you that you won't want to be like this is the morning."
"I love you so much," He said again. "You're so smart, Moomintroll. I do always come back. I always come back to you, because you're the only home I have! Isn't that crazy? A person can't be home, but whenever I'm with you I'm home."
Okay, so maybe Moomin was enjoying this a little. It wasn't often Snufkin paid him so many compliments in rapid succession. He couldn't always tell what the vagabond was thinking.
"That's nice," He said, taking hold of Snufkin's arm and pulling him forward a little.
"You know what's even nicer?" Snufkin asked, conspiratorially, like there was some kind of secret Moomin wasn't aware of.
"What's that?"
"You," Snufkin grinned at him.
Moomin smiled half-heartedly back.
"Your hand is so soft," Snufkin mused.
Moomin felt himself flush red.
"Oh, thanks."
"I like holding your hand. Will you hold my hand forever, Moomintroll?"
They were in sight of the house now.
"I'll hold your hand until we get back," Moomin pointed. And then he would go upstairs and lie in bed and try very hard not to think about this.
Snufkin stopped on the trail.
"Oh," He said darkly. "And then you won't."
Moomin was four seconds away from simply carrying him all the way back. If they had to stop one more time...
"Yes, well, I have to go to bed. And you have to go to bed. It's been a long night, Snufkin, I'm tired."
"I'll come with you," Snufkin said easily.
Moomin choked.
"I'm not having a sleepover with you. Not when you're like this. Perhaps another night."
Also, he needed time to calm down. He needed a lot of time to figure out exactly how to not die because of what was happening right now.
Snufkin started crying again.
Moomin was two seconds away from-
"I'm sorry," Snufkin whispered, eyes shining with tears. "I'm awful like this. I'm an awful mess and you have to deal with me and I'm sorry."
Any irritation just melted away. Gone.
Snufkin hiccuped and rubbed his eyes. "Just leave me here. I can walk back on my own."
As he said that, though, he tripped on a root and almost went flying. He caught himself at the last second and gave Moomin a nervous thumbs up.
As if Moomin was going to leave him here, several miles away from his tent, as muddled as he was.
Moomin took him by the arms again and started walking.
"I'm not going to leave you. I'm taking you home."
"Oh..." Snufkin sank against his side. Moomin stiffened and had to remind himself that it was just Snufkin and that they were friends, and it was just an average, regular thing for best friends to be close to each other.
His heart was beating faster than usual.
If this had been anyone else, Moomin would be aggravated beyond belief right now. If it had been anyone else, Moomin would be pulling them by one hand so as not to be closer than need be.
But this was Snufkin.
Snufkin was just different, in ways he couldn't explain, in ways he didn't want to explain, in ways that he could know if he wanted to, but he didn't.
He didn't want to figure it out, because he was terrified of what was behind the block he'd put up for himself.
And Snufkin was not ordinarily a nuisance, so it made Moomin more lenient when he was one.
Snufkin was purring against him, and his steps were slowing.
Moomin, without thinking much of it, stopped and picked Snufkin up bridal style.
He could walk faster this way, he reasoned. And Snufkin could sleep.
It wasn't because he wanted to be as close to Snufkin as he could for the last few hours he'd be like this for.
It wasn't like he was taking advantage of Snufkin's... oh, was he? This was bad. He was being a bad friend, enjoying himself when Snufkin was so not himself.
When they finally reached the house, Snufkin wouldn't let go of him.
He'd set him down in his tent, putting him on his side to sleep.
He was worried, though. He'd heard that sometimes drunk people passed out and couldn't breathe, so he tried to wake Snufkin up.
Snufkin was responsive. Moomin breathed a sigh of relief. He was fine. Probably. He was just sort of loopy.
Except then he'd gone out onto the lawn and thrown up. That worried Moomin a lot, so he'd taken Snufkin upstairs to get him washed up and to keep an eye on him.
He kept Snufkin talking. Snufkin was somehow even more incoherent than before.
Snufkin kept ranting about nonsensical things, and Moomin was worried they were going to wake the whole of Moomin house with the noise.
Snufkin had eventually collapsed in Moomin's bed, and even though Moomin had been very firm about him not staying over, he couldn't bring himself to move Snufkin again. He looked so peaceful, and besides, it was a long walk down again. Better to just let him sleep it off.
Moomin got into bed on the other side of him, being careful not to brush against him.
Snufkin, however, had other plans.
He rolled over and latched on.
Moomin lay very still in the hopes that Snufkin would fall asleep again and then maybe he could push him off and run downstairs and scream, or something.
Snufkin was petting him. Moomin could not move.
"You're so soft," Snufkin said sleepily, running his fingers through the fur on Moomin's stomach.
Moomin could not move, could not breathe, wasn't even sure if he was alive anymore.
Snufkin would be sorry when he woke up. He would apologize to Moomin, and then everything would go back to normal, and he wouldn't touch Moomin, and
Moomin wouldn't have all these confusing thoughts that were getting in the way of thinking about Snufkin the way a friend should.
Snufkin was not himself.
Moomin was being ridiculous with all of these...
He could feel Snufkin's smile as he pushed his face into Moomin's shoulder.
"Mm... so soft and warm..." Snufkin hadn't stopped petting him. "So nice and soft and warm... what a lovely Moomintroll."
Snufkin turned his face so he was sort of nuzzling up against Moomin's snout. This was a Moomin kiss. Did Snufkin know that they were kissing?
Moomin still couldn't breathe.
What if tomorrow, Snufkin woke up, and he was still like this? What if... what if when he was completely coherent, he still wanted to hold Moomin like this?
Of course, he was being stupid. Snufkin would never... like him. Like that.
Moomin stared down at the mumrik's caramel hair. It bounced and fluffed itself and never stayed exactly in one place, just like Snufkin.
"Snufkin," Moomin said, cautiously.
"Mmhm?"
"Um... I love you. Goodnight."
Snufkin laughed and burrowed still deeper.
"M'love you too, Moom.." And he was lost to sleep.
Moomin felt his heart break into a few different pieces because he knew that it wasn't true.
Ugh.
His head hurt so, so much.
It was too light.
Why was it so light out?
What was he lying on?
Something softer than his tent... was he in his tent? It was too light. There was too much light for him to be in his tent.
Had he overslept? He never overslept.
His hand found something warm and soft and utterly Moomin.
Snufkin barely repressed a shriek and flew apart from his friend.
Moomin didn't move. Moomin was dead, oh god, he'd killed his best friend...
Wait, no. He was just in Moomin's bed. Moomin was asleep.
"Snufkin..." Moomin mumbled and shifted.
Why was he here? Why couldn't he remember anything? How had he gotten here?
They'd gone to a party, that much he remembered. Then he'd been drinking...
Oh boy. A few hazy memories told him that he should not have been in the presence of Moomin whilst intoxicated.
Moomin yawned and sat up, and Snufkin's heart leapt into his throat. What had he said last night???
"Good morning, Snufkin," He said, drowsily. Cheerfully. Much calmer than Snufkin was, currently.
What had HAPPENED last night???
"Er- g- why am I here?" Was all Snufkin could get out.
Moomin looked confused for a second, and then realization filled his face.
"Oh, you were pretty sick last night, so I took you up here where I could keep an eye on you."
How in the world was Moomin so nonchalant? Snufkin was absolutely beside himself.
"What- what... uh... Moomin...."
Moomin raised an eyebrow at him.
"What happened? Did I say anything..."
He hated to be this direct, but really, he couldn't remember anything. He didn't want Moomin thinking anything he'd said was truthful. What if he'd been mean?
Moomin paused, remembering. A glazed look overtook his features. His face turned a shade that Snufkin did not recognize, and then he threw the blankets off and jumped down to the floor.
"N-nothing important, really. You were sick and you talked a lot," Moomin said. Snufkin could tell that he was lying. He looked nervous and red in the face and Snufkin was going to find out what he was lying about if it was the last thing he did.
"No, really Moomin. Tell me, I want to know, please."
Moomin turned redder, if that was even possible.
"I told you, nothing! You were really upset about some dead bird we found on the way home, and then you started crying, and then you were just... talking."
Snufkin could not stand it. He'd been a wreck in front of Moomintroll and he had no memory of it whatsoever.
"What was I talking about?" He asked, somewhat sullenly.
Moomin refused to look him in the eyes.
"Moomin. Was I rude? Please tell me. If I said anything to hurt you, know that I didn't mean it, I-"
"Y-you weren't mean," Moomintroll stuttered. "You were very nice, actually."
What did that mean?
"Nice how?" Snufkin asked. He was going to suffocate in his own breath.
"You- you just were!" Moomin, flustered, turned away from him. "It doesn't matter now, because you're back to normal, and everything is the same as it was."
"Please tell me the truth!" Snufkin shouted.
Moomin closed his eyes and scrunched up his face and turned in a circle.
"Ohhh... You don't want to hear it. You'll be awfully embarrassed and I'll be embarrassed and you didn't mean any of it anyway, so it wasn't really you."
He could not stand it one more second.
"Moomin! What did I do to you?!"
Moomin still wouldn't look at him directly. He walked back to the bed, though, and sat down on it, carefully. Gingerly.
"You were upset because you thought you hurt me, but really you didn't, Snufkin, don't say anything. You didn't. And... and then you told me you were worried that I hated you because you left every year, and I told you that that was wrong, that I could never hate you, and then you..."
Moomin cleared his throat.
"You told me you loved me,"
Snufkin's heart seized.
"And then you told me that you thought of me as your home... and then you held my hand, and asked me to hold your hand forever... Snufkin, none of this really matters. You'd never do a thing like that in your right mind. So-"
"Moomin. Tell me." He couldn't breathe, but that was okay. He was going to die as soon as Moomin finished telling him what had happened.
"I don't know, you apologized for being a pain, and then I took you home and you fell asleep."
"And nothing else happened?" Snufkin asked suspiciously.
Moomin turned a shade of scarlet.
"No, nothing else."
Snufkin sat back.
"I'm so, so, sorry, Moomintroll."
Moomin's ears dropped for half a second and then he gave a big false smile and said: "No need to worry! You're alright now."
"I'm so sorry I unloaded all my feelings onto you, that must have been... I'm. I'm sorry."
Moomin nodded and then abruptly stopped.
"Wait a minute. What do you mean, your feelings?"
Snufkin was going to die.
"I mean how I feel about you. You didn't need to hear that, and I'm sorry I threw it at you all at once."
"What?" Moomin shrieked.
Snufkin, startled, asked, "What?"
"You... You feel like that all the time?"
Snufkin shrugged.
"Well... yes?"
Moomin sank back down onto the duvet and groaned.
That was it. Snufkin was going to up and die and it was because he was being honest.
"Since when?" He mumbled.
Snufkin thought about it.
There had never really been a 'when'. Moomin had just worked his way into his heart, bit by bit. It never failed to amaze him how this marshmallow of a being could make him feel so many things at once... And he hadn't fallen on one specific day. It had been over a course of years, of months of Moomin being himself and Snufkin being a mess and Moomin, slowly, gradually, residing more and more in his very soul.
"I don't remember," He answered truthfully.
Moomin sighed.
Snufkin reached a hand out to comfort him.
"I'm sorry, Moomin, really I am. But I... I wasn't in control last night. I promise it won't happen again."
Moomin flinched at his touch.
Oh.
Okay.
Snufkin pulled away from him hastily and jumped out of the bed.
"I-I'm sorry, Moomin. I'll- I'll just go now."
He turned on his heel and rushed out of the room.
Now he was really going to die, because how could he have been so stupid? Moomin didn't like him like that. He ran to his campsite, intent on packing up for the year. It was what, maybe late August? But now that he knew for certain... There was no way he could stay here for the rest of the year. He had to leave. He would actually fall apart if he was around Moomin any longer.
He was pretty sure he was going to fall apart anyway. Better to do that in the woods where no one can see you break down because you are a fool.
A fool who had the audacity to even think that maybe, just maybe, his love could be requited.
Moomin, who was with Snorkmaiden. Moomin, who he was pretty sure didn't even like boys. Certainly not him, the tramp living in a tent.
Well... Moomin liked him. But as a novelty. As a cool thing to come to the valley every year. As a... as a storyteller, a friend, yes...
But never more.
Never more than that.
Snufkin jumped into his tent just as the tears started to fall. He tried to make no noise, as he always did, but it was hard this time. He felt like he had lost something. And maybe he had. He'd lost Moomin's touch. Now that Moomin knew how he felt, Moomin wouldn't want him to touch him any longer. Because now Moomin knew that it wasn't coming from a friend. It was coming from someone who held a lot more than that, and it was awkward and strange now.
He'd lost his place with Moomin.
He sobbed. How could Moomin make him feel so deeply? He tried to resent the troll for it. All that came was a mental image of Moomin smiling and consoling him, and that made him cry harder.
Would Moomin ever want to hug him again?
Would Moomin ever even talk to him again??
And then he heard footsteps and so he ferociously got rid of the tears in time for the person to open the tent. It wasn't Moomin.
Because why would it be Moomin? He berated himself.
It was Little My, who stepped into the tent like she belonged there.
"W-what are you doing?" Asked Snufkin, unable to keep his voice from wavering. Stupid. Never ask the first question.
"Oh, you're crying too," Little My said with an air of disdain. "What a bunch of idiots you two are."
Crying... too?
"Excuse me?"
"You're crying too," She repeated, voice going nastier. "I thought it might just be Moomin, but apparently you are capable of feelings as well."
"Why is Moomin crying?" Snufkin asked edgily.
Little My stared at him for a solid 5 seconds.
"Why do you think, you dummy? You just ran out on him! He's always sad when you go anywhere not two feet from him."
Snufkin stayed silent.
"He's crying because he thinks you two had a fight or something, I don't know. All I know is you better go back in there, or Moomin better come down here, because I don't want to listen to it! I was having the nicest dream this morning and I wake up to somebody running down the stairs like there's a fire!"
Snufkin glared.
"So you going back up or do I have to push you?"
Snufkin turned his head away and stared at a spot on the floor of his tent.
"I think Moomin made it clear what he wants, and it's not for me to come back."
Little My looked about ready to slap him.
"What's that supposed to mean, you nincompoop?"
Oh, how was he supposed to explain this to little My? He didn't want to explain it. He probably wouldn't even be able to.
He could feel tears burning at his eyes again and as much as he willed them not to drop in front of the biggest bully in Moomin Valley, they did anyway and he stared at them forlornly.
Little My's expression tempered just slightly, and she walked towards him and put a hand on his shoulder.
Apparently, that was all it took for Snufkin to start talking. He knew the tactics, he'd used them on other people. But he was still a person, after all. Not as above it as he'd like to be.
"So then, after I'd told him I felt like that all the time, I put a hand on his arm, right? And he flinched. So..."
"So what?" My butted in. "That doesn't mean anything. That doesn't mean you run for the hills. So he flinched. Big deal. You flinch all the time at any contact whatsoever."
"Yes, but he's Moomin, and he never..." Snufkin trailed off, not able to get the words out right away. "He never does that with me. He's always perfectly fine with..."
"He's thinking about it differently now," Said My.
"Right, and it means he's no longer comfortable with me touc-"
"NO, you idiot. It means he might feel the same way and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Think about it. That's exactly how you act around him, and you love him!"
Snufkin winced at the very mention of love, which only further proved My's point.
"He used to go, 'Gee, Snufkin's my friend. This is a friendly touch.' and maybe in the back of his mind, he went, 'boy, I don't think of him as a friend, but one has to.' and now, when you're..."
"Out," Snufkin said miserably.
"He's going: 'oh. oh... Oh.' And so he flinched. Because now what happens?"
"I run away?" Snufkin asked hopefully.
Little My actually did slap him this time, not hard, but enough to sting.
"No. You go up there and you go, 'Moomintroll, nothing has to change if you don't want it to.' And then both of you can stop being such humungous babies and I can go to sleep!"
So Snufkin walked up to the house. Slowly.
And they met halfway, because there was Moomin, making his way down the path.
Snufkin couldn't look him in the eyes, because he was a coward.
"Um... I'm sorry," Moomin said softly. "I didn't mean to scare you off, whatever I did."
Snufkin couldn't speak.
"I wanted to... to ask you. More. Um. If that's okay with you."
No matter how much he tried, he couldn't force any words out.
So he nodded.
Moomin looked more relieved than anything, and he motioned for Snufkin to come sit on the bridge with him.
"So... uh... why?" Moomin asked.
The question confused him.
"Why what?"
Moomin stared into the water, his hands fidgeting almost unconsciously.
"Why do you... y'know. Why do you like me?"
Snufkin would never be prepared for that question.
He was usually prepared for everything. But that specific question?
He didn't dare to open his mouth but it was what was expected of him.
He was sure that an 'I don't know' simply would not do.
"You're... soft." He muttered.
Moomin stared at him.
"You like me because I'm soft?" He asked in quiet bewilderment.
Now it was Snufkin who couldn't figure out what to do with his hands, but he refused to fidget. He sat on them instead.
"I love you because you're... you're soft, and warm, and inviting, and kind, and I love you because you're everything I can't be. I love you because I feel hard as stone sometimes, but you make me soft, Moomintroll."
He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but it wasn't for Moomin to throw his arms around him and almost knock them both off the bridge.
"Oh, Snufkin!" He wailed.
This was impossibly cheesy and Snufkin felt in equal parts that he had to leave right now and that he could never leave no matter how hard he tried.
Moomin stopped wailing for a moment and stared directly into Snufkin's eyes, still holding tight to him. It made him extremely nervous. What was Moomin...?
"You kissed me last night," Moomin said in a low voice.
Shock and then panic.
His first instinct was to -to run away- And what made Moomin let go was probably the look of horror on his face.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Moomin giggled, and Snufkin's whole heart melted. "But... you love me, right? So did you mean that?"
"I was not myself last night!" Snufkin, probably crimson at the moment, tried to defend.
Moomin poked him, right in the stomach.
"You said, and I quote: 'I like holding your hand. Will you hold my hand forever, Moomintroll?'"
Snufkin tilted his hat forward so as to hide his face that felt much too hot in all this summer heat.
"The answer is yes, Snufkin."
He ventured a glance, and Moomin was peeking at him from the other side of the brim.
"W-what?" He asked hoarsely.
"I'll hold your hand whenever and forever," Moomin said, much too casually. "Unless you weren't being honest last night. About liking to hold my hand."
"No!" Snufkin gasped. "No, no no! That part was right!"
The outburst brought a smile to Moomin's face.
Snufkin knew he was being messed with, but he locked his hand with Moomin's anyway. Moomin's smile only got bigger, if that was possible.
"...If you'll have me," Snufkin grumbled.
Moomin leaned into him, his big white nose brushing against Snufkin's somewhat awkwardly.
"Is this okay?" He breathed.
Was it okay? He was going to up and die. Was that okay?
"Obviously," Snufkin said, pushing back against him. Moomin kisses. Moomin.
"Wait." He put a paw up against Moomin's nose. "Does this mean you like me too?"
Moomin gave him a look.
"Are you dense?"
"Y...yes," Snufkin said. "Tell it to me slow."
"I love you."
It gave him such a feeling of unbridled happiness.
Moomin leaned in to kiss him again and Snufkin took a chance and kissed him the Mumrik way this time. Moomin gasped.
He was a fool in love.
But then, so was Moomin.
They could be foolish together.