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As soon as class is dismissed for lunch, Shuichi gets to his feet and packs his things into his binder. Usually he’d be heading to the dining hall with Kaito and Maki, but he told them to go on without him for today, because…
“Hey.” Rantaro stops in front of his desk and Shuichi feels his heart rate spike. He’s not startled, or scared, or anything. He feels totally safe in front of the adventurer- it’s just that they haven’t talked in a week and it was kind of an inconvenient time for Rantaro to disappear considering that there’s a pretty important conversation that they need to have. Apparently the green-haired boy got back to the academy late last night (this is according to Kaede) and it kind of shows by the slow, jet-lagged way that Rantaro has been acting today.
Ordinarily Shuichi would be hesitant to have a serious talk with anybody who’s sleep deprived, but the bright look in Rantaro’s eyes is telling him that he can’t get away with postponing the conversation, even if he wanted to. And he doesn’t. They need to talk about it. Obviously Rantaro took off without any explanation because he got a lead on his sisters, or something, but still… Shuichi doesn’t think he can go any longer without having that conversation, for fear of imploding.
As much as he’s tried to tell himself not to think about it until things were cleared up between him and Rantaro, he couldn’t help but replay that kiss in his head over and over again until he had memorised virtually every detail. Honestly, he knows that thinking about it so much is just going to make waiting even more impossible, but… he can’t deny that he’s wanted to kiss Rantaro for a lot longer than it took the adventurer to do so on impulse. Shuichi knows it’s unhealthy to try to hide from his feelings. And he doesn’t want to, in this case, for that matter.
“Hi.” Shuichi responds, slowly dropping his bag onto the floor. Originally he meant to ask if Rantaro wanted to go talk somewhere private, like one of their rooms, or even just the courtyard, but everyone’s headed off to the dining hall by now- even regular stragglers, like Miu and Kokichi, have left the room- and Chisa is out today, presumably on a date with her boyfriend. (She doesn’t talk about her relationship with her students; that would be unprofessional. It’s just that working at a school with two Ultimate Detectives and dozens of other snoopy, ridiculously smart children is a surefire way to get all your secrets spilled.) So the classroom is empty. And based on the burning in Shuichi’s chest, he doesn’t think he can hold off any longer.
“Sorry for leaving without notice.” Rantaro blurts, meeting his eyes, and Shuichi is startled at the sudden apology to the extent that he doesn’t say anything. “I didn’t want to leave without talking to you first, but I got a call from Barcelona about one of my sisters, and-”
“Hey…” gently, Shuichi touches Rantaro’s upper arm with a hand. “I’m not upset, I understood it would be something like that.” Oh, he was a little hurt at first, but he knows that Rantaro would never avoid speaking to him about something like that intentionally. As much as the adventurer seems to hate confrontation, between confronting his feelings and leaving Shuichi in the dark, Shuichi is sure that Rantaro would choose the former in the heartbeat. “Any luck?”
A pause, then Rantaro shakes his head, sighing. “No, I couldn’t…” he clears his throat. “Nevermind that. I wanted…” his green eyes slide back over to meet Shuichi’s once again. “I wanted to talk about last week.”
Suddenly Shuichi’s throat feels abnormally dry. “Ah… of course.” He drops his hand to the side. Rantaro is probably trying to push himself to speak first, and the effort is commendable, but the last thing that Shuichi wants is to make the other boy uncomfortable, so he says the words that he’s felt etched into his heart for the past month and a half. “I have feelings for you.” He says it bluntly, without pretense, and almost immediately feels like crawling into a hole and hiding his face for the rest of the week, but instead he maintains eye contact with Rantaro, for the sake of making this easier on the adventurer.
“...me too. I mean-” he cuts himself off with a strangled laugh before continuing to speak. “I feel the same way. At least, I think that-” Rantaro sighs. “This isn’t easy at all.”
“No.” Shuichi agrees. “If it’s any consolation, I’ve never done it before either.”
A frown appears on Rantaro’s features and he averts his gaze, scratching the back of his neck. “You know, I… what I feel is a lot stronger than… a crush, or something like that. I mean, we’re kids, so I can’t say for certain that what I’m experiencing is anything like…” like love, Shuichi thinks he means to say, but Rantaro doesn’t finish that sentence. “But when I’m around you I feel like a completely different person. I feel safe, and I feel okay talking about things that scare me, and that I’m ashamed of. That time, when you held me after my nightmare… I’ve never felt that way before. With anybody. Even when I’m alone and there’s absolutely no chance something could happen to me, it still doesn’t even come close to how I feel when I’m around you.”
Gosh, Shuichi’s cheeks are definitely reddening, but he just reaches out to take one of Rantaro’s hands, reluctant to interrupt, even though there are so many things swirling around his head right now.
“I just- I’m not the kind of person to just crush on people. I’ve never been in a relationship before, Shuichi, I’m not that kind of guy.” Rantaro says it so often but in this setting, with that tone, it takes on a whole new meaning. “You’re just different. I’ve thought about romance in the past and I’ve never been able to picture dating somebody until I met you. Until we got close.”
Shuichi tightens his grip on Rantaro’s hand. “I… I can’t say I’ve never had a crush on somebody before,” he begins uncertainly, thinking of Kaede and Kaito but ultimately extinguishing the thoughts before they can take root. “But I can say that what I feel is…” everything he’s saying sounds so artificial compared to what Rantaro has said thus far. He’s never been good at this. It’s like he’s walking on a broken floor, unsure of where to put his feet. It’s not that Shuichi’s unused to being vulnerable, he’s just so bad at telling people how he feels. There’s a reason he never talked to Kaito or Kaede about his feelings. It wasn’t even a fear of rejection. He just couldn’t find the right words. And as much as he’d like for them to come to him, they’re not. The words aren’t coming like some deus ex machina to save Shuichi from his anxiety.
So instead he reaches up and pulls Rantaro into a kiss, hoping he can convey with his lips what he can’t with his voice.
Before, when they kissed, neither of them was fully in their right mind. Shuichi was sleep deprived and groggy, Rantaro was still reeling from a panic attack. It was because Shuichi had already been setting boundaries for himself in his head that he was able to pull out of that kiss and promise to get back to it later. As a result, the kiss hadn’t been much to think about. It was more like an emotional smashing together of the lips. It hadn’t been bad, and in fact, Shuichi had enjoyed it quite a lot because it was Rantaro, but it wasn’t good, either, and rationally he knew as much.
Now it’s different. It’s different because they’re both fully conscious and aware of their surroundings. They’ve gotten their feelings out of the way, and Rantaro is a little surprised at first, but he adjusts better to his shock than Shuichi did and immediately loops his arms around the detective’s waist, pulling him closer and reciprocating. This time Shuichi is actually thinking about it a little, the way that he moves his mouth against Rantaro’s, and-
God, it feels good. He’s admittedly thought quite a lot about what kissing Rantaro would hypothetically be like, but for somebody as inexperienced as Shuichi, all he really has to draw on is porn, and of course that’s no help at all. None of those fantasies were anything compared to how this feels- and they’re still both going slow, and there’s not a lot of heat in the kiss, but there is warmth, and sweetness, and Rantaro’s hold on him is tight and safe and Shuichi wants to disappear into it and never reemerge.
Unfortunately, they both need to breathe. Shuichi pulls back first, ironic considering that he initiated the kiss in the first place, and sucks in a deep breath. The front of Rantaro’s shirt is wrinkled now, from where Shuichi grabbed him and pulled him down, and his face is flushed. There’s a warm look in his green eyes and Shuichi feels like he’s honestly going to melt. He has half a mind to go back in for another kiss but he knows logically that there’s still a lot they need to talk about, so he refrains, for now, instead opting to pull his sleeve over his palm and wipe some of the saliva off of Rantaro’s chin.
“I should’ve asked first.” Shuichi says, and feels his face warming more when he hears how thick his voice comes out. “I, uhm- I just… I’m not very good at this either, so I felt that there was only so much I could say that could…”
“I get it.” Rantaro cups the side of Shuichi’s face, brushes a thumb under the detective’s eye.
Then, because there are things that Shuichi knows how to say, he starts talking again. “So- I need to ask, because we need to talk about it and I think now is as good a time as any- what does this mean? For our relationship, I mean?” He looks away, but not to avoid eye contact. More just for something to do with his eyes. He’s thought a lot about this, and what he wants, and he still doesn’t have a good solution to the problems that dating Rantaro poses. “There are a lot of things that I want for us, but…”
Rantaro seems to understand. “I thought that I was afraid of the commitment at first, you know…? I thought that the idea of being tied down to a relationship was scary to me, but… it’s not. I’m not afraid of being in a relationship. Not if it’s with you. I just…” he swallows.
“You travel a lot.” Shuichi whispers. It feels wrong to put Rantaro on the spot like this but it has to be addressed if this is something that they’ll be talking about. It’s something they need to talk about. “I want to date you, and I thought I was okay with the idea of a semi-long distance relationship so long as I got to be with you some of the time but that’s not really true. I trust you, and that’s not going to deteriorate, I just… that kind of dynamic, I don’t think I could handle it if we were apart all the time.”
“Yeah. It’s the same for me, too.” Rantaro bites his lip. “And… I thought about it, but… I don’t think I would feel comfortable or okay staying here full-time and giving up on looking for my sisters.”
Shuichi’s eyes widen. “I would never let you do that, even if it was for me. Especially not for me.” Giving up on that search, for Rantaro, would be like giving up on himself. He would never forgive himself, and Shuichi would feel awful if he did that on his behalf. (The thought never even crossed his mind. How could it? He has these feelings for Rantaro with all parts of him in mind, especially his devotion to his family. There’s no buts or ands. He wouldn’t feel right being in a relationship with Rantaro if he chose to give up on his dream of reuniting his family for a romantic relationship.)
Though it was never even something that should have been a concern, Rantaro releases a breath, like he’s relieved to hear Shuichi say as much. Shuichi supposes it’s just different to hear him saying it out loud. “Then… I do have a thought. But I don’t know how much of a good idea it is.”
“Let’s hear it.” Shuichi smiles slightly, glad to hear that Rantaro has an idea.
“You… you could always travel with me, if you wanted.” Rantaro says this in barely more than a whisper, and Shuichi feels as though the contents in his stomach are turning cold. Not out of dread, or anything, just… surprise. “I mean- I could ask you, as the Ultimate Detective, to help me find my sisters, and you could… well, you could come with me, and we could look for my sisters together. Really, it would be something entirely beneficial to me, but…” he pauses, like he’s not sure if he wants to say something or not, and eventually decides against it. “I think Hope’s Peak would allow it, since it would be for the betterment of our talents, technically, but I’m still… hesitant, to really ask that of you. Because that would mean a lot of time alone with me, and not so much with the school or with all your friends and your family, and-”
“Rantaro, stop talking for a second,” Shuichi requests gently, touching Rantaro’s face with a hand. “I’m not opposed to the idea.” He… he means it. The idea of traveling with Rantaro… it’s a lot, it’s really a lot, but it’s not a bad one. He likes the thought of spending that much time together. “You know, I almost relapsed the last time you were gone for longer than a week.” Shuichi admits this quietly, averting his gaze. “I don’t think I could handle being away from you for that long. Especially not if we decided to pursue a romantic relationship.”
Almost subconsciously, Rantaro tightens his hold on Shuichi’s waist, and the detective meets his eyes, smiling a little as though to say that he’s okay.
“But, it’s a big decision.” Shuichi knows it’s going to require a lot more deliberation. “And I don’t think that it’s the sort of idea that I can make up my mind on on the spot. Do you get what I’m saying? I just want a bit to think about it.”
A pause, and then Rantaro’s face relaxes into a small smile, and he nods. “You just need time to consider.”
“This isn’t a no. It isn’t even a maybe.” Shuichi agrees firmly, staring straight into the adventurer’s eyes as he says it to drive the point to home. “It’s just a huge choice, and I’m not going to make my choice right here, right now. When are you leaving next?”
Rantaro considers the question. “Well, probably in about two weeks, if I don’t get any emergency calls. I’ll be heading to New Orleans for three days next Thursday.”
New Orleans, huh? Shuichi smiles a bit. “Then give me a week and a half, and I’ll have an answer for you before you take off.” He leans a little closer, putting his other hand on Rantaro’s face so he’s cupping it with both of his palms. “In the meantime, maybe… we can try it.”
“It?” Rantaro asks, raising an eyebrow.
“Ah… you know, try this whole… dating, thing.” Shuichi usually tries to be more articulate about these sorts of matters, but it’s hard when Rantaro is looking at him like that. And it’s an embarrassing thing to say. “For the next week and a half or so, while I’m making up my mind, we can try dating and see what that’s like. Then we can work from there when I make a decision. Is that okay?”
“...that’s perfect.” Rantaro murmurs, and leans closer to Shuichi, who obligingly releases the adventurer’s face and opts to lightly hook his arms around the taller boy’s neck. “I’m more than okay with that.” With that said, Shuichi brushes their noses together, eager to kiss Rantaro again but unwilling to do so without explicit consent. He’s alright with getting non-verbal consent, he just has to know that Rantaro knows his intentions and is explicitly okay with it.
Thankfully, the adventurer seems to be perfectly receptive to such signals, because this time, Rantaro is the one who closes the gap between them in a kiss.
Only for them to break apart again when Shuichi’s cell phone starts ringing.
Cursing under his breath, Shuichi wipes his mouth, pulling out of the embrace and tugging his phone from his pocket. “Honestly… I thought I turned off the ringer…” he mutters, glancing at Caller ID. “Oh, it’s my uncle… hey, Rantaro,” he glances over at the boy. “Do you mind…? This might be important.”
“No,” Rantaro smiles as he wipes his own mouth, shaking his head. “Go ahead, I’m right here.”
So Shuichi swipes the answer icon and puts the phone against his ear. “Hello?”
“Shuichi, sorry if I caught you in class, there’s just something I wanted to talk to you about.” Shuichi’s uncle’s voice comes in through the phone, and the detective bites his lip, because he recognises that tone. It’s the one his uncle generally uses when he’s just solved a case, but the answer isn’t anything happy, and now he’s got to deliver the news to a client. That can only mean bad things.
“No, it’s lunch. What is it?” He speaks without pretense, knowing his uncle won’t mind the conciseness of his manner. After all, there’s a reason he called- Shuichi’s sure his uncle just wants to get it out of the way, rather than delay the inevitable.
“Well, I wanted to ask if it’s alright if I gave your phone number to your father.” Shuichi feels his blood run cold. “He wants to talk to you about attending your mother’s funeral.”