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So, it's been a week.
Honestly, Rantaro intended to have a conversation with Shuichi about what had happened sometime the next day, because it's important to him, and he's sure it's important to the detective too. But immediately upon returning he got a call from one of his friends in Barcelona saying that they might have gotten a lead on one of his sisters, so he packed a bag and was gone by dinner that night.
He didn't even mean to leave without saying goodbye. Just the thought of seeing one of his sisters again completely took over him and he had to go. He was sure that Shuichi would be understanding, but he still felt bad for taking off without warning like that. The second he got off the plane he was privy to a bunch of confused and angry texts from Kaede, inquiring as to his location. But of course he had to prioritise finding his sister over explaining himself. That would come later.
And no, he didn't find her. He spent four days searching on an hour or two of sleep per night and eventually the very same friend who gave him the information demanded that he get some rest. Rantaro didn't want to stop looking, but he hates to be an inconvenience to people, so of course he did.
So it wasn't a prime way to return to Hope's Peak, he'll be honest, but he was excited to see everyone again, at the very least. It had only been a week, but the time felt a lot longer to him seeing as he spent the majority of it in action. And his spirits were already pretty diminished by his failure.
A week is a while to go without talking to somebody about something important, though. A kiss definitely counts as something important, in Rantaro's opinion.
Oh, there it is again.
It's four in the morning and Rantaro shouldn't even be awake, but he's seriously jetlagged and sleeping sounds like a nightmare right now. He didn't have a lot of time to think about it during this past week, and now that he's just sitting on a bench in the courtyard outside the dorms and watching the stars, he can't stop thinking about it.
It's been a while since Rantaro has had a panic attack like that. It was made worse by the fact that he tried to stop it from happening every step of the way. He's always been particularly bad at processing his emotions but what happened there was unheard of, even for him. The idea of showing his fear to everybody just overwhelmed him and made everything exponentially worse to the point that he felt like he couldn't function. Thank god that Shuichi was there, and observant, and somehow knew exactly what to do to coax Rantaro out of it.
He keeps replaying it in his head to try to unpack what it was that made him kiss Shuichi, because he can't think of anything that would be more irresponsible on his part, but he just can't figure it out.
Rantaro, up until that moment, hadn't even considered the idea of being romantically inclined towards the detective. And it isn't as though Shuichi isn't a possible candidate in that area; he's the only candidate, as a matter of fact, Rantaro just didn't think he was capable of that sort of affection.
Like, he knows that he's homosexual. There's no questioning that. Those years of internalised homophobia and ignoring his real desires are far in the past. But romantic attraction is a completely different playing field and Rantaro has never felt this way before, about anyone. At first he pegged his feelings for Shuichi as something similar to how he looks at his sisters. He wants Shuichi to be happy and safe and really just wants to take care of him.
But it's more than that, evidently, if the first thing he did in a moment of crisis was kiss the boy.
Surprisingly, what he said about having wanted to kiss Shuichi for a long time was the truth. The desire had always been there- Rantaro's just gotten into the habit of dismissing those feelings as soon as they arise. He's never wanted to kiss anybody who wasn't Shuichi before. He didn't know how to handle it.
And Shuichi said that he wanted to kiss him. Rantaro believes it, because Shuichi did kiss back almost immediately, and he seemed really reluctant to pull back. It's not that he doubts Shuichi's feelings, it's just...
He's nervous about it. The idea of committment doesn't scare him. Rantaro has loads of committments and he wouldn't have it any other way. He'd like to be committed to Shuichi. A lot, actually. He'd love to be tied down to a relationship with the Ultimate Detective. There's nobody else he'd like to be in a relationship with, and there's been nobody else, consistently. Rantaro isn't a heartbreaker, or a playboy, no matter what people say about him. Maybe he looks that way. But he's never felt like this, or had a reason to.
It's just... could Shuichi put up with Rantaro in the long-term? He knows that their relationship doesn't require a lot of talking and that's one of the best things about it but he also knows that it means that many of Rantaro's flaws are omitted. He's got a lot to work on. And Shuichi has a rescuer complex. The last thing he wants is for the detective to try to be his therapist. Rantaro's never been in love before but he knows that that kind of a relationship turns really toxic really fast.
Plus, there's a lot to be desired about their relationship. Quiet moments come up a lot when Rantaro is traveling and he can't keep himself from thinking about Shuichi during them. Going over conversations in his mind. Thinking about his eyes, or his smile, or some other ridiculously pretty aspect of the detective. It doesn't matter the specifics. Rantaro is a pining mess, and it's already painful, and they're not even together.
Rantaro isn't around enough to sustain that kind of relationship. At least, not the kind he wants with Shuichi. But the only solution that seems plausible to him is that he stays at Hope's Peak full-time instead of traveling around to find his sisters and there's no way. He has priorities, and Shuichi is becoming one of them, but if he had to choose between Shuichi and his sisters...
Oh, nobody is giving Rantaro an ultimatum. He doesn't have to pursue that train of thought, it's not like he's having an episode. He has some degree of self restraint right now, it's just too quiet for him to be distracted by anything else...
The sound of the door to the dormitory opening and closing behind him captures Rantaro's attention and he turns around, half expecting Shuichi to be walking out to talk to him. He didn't announce his return, but the detective has an inexplicable way of finding him almost always whenever he's feeling troubled, or they need to have a conversation, so...
But despite Rantaro's inital assumption, it's Kaede who's walking out towards him, a comforter wrapped around her shoulders. Actually, even though he'd kind of like it to be Shuichi, he's glad to see Kaede. She's a good friend, and he's happy for the company, even if she was kind of peeved at him for taking off for Spain with no warning.
"Good morning, Kaede." He greets, smiling and scooting over on the bench to make space for her. She returns the expression, with nothing hidden behind her eyes, and Rantato feels himself relax as she drops down onto the bench next to him.
"Barely." She says with a small laugh, and yawns into her hand. "When'd you get back?"
Even though Rantaro knows what time it is, he takes his phone from his pocket and double taps the screen to check the time. "Two hours ago." He answers, looking over at her. "Why are you awake? I didn't expect to see you for another couple hours at least."
Kaede closes her eyes. "Mmmh... I was asleep, but I woke up and felt like something was wrong, so I went outside." Like, a sixth sense sort of thing? Rantaro hums but doesn't speak. She's one of the most empathetic people he knows so he isn't surprised, but he's not really in the mood to talk about his feelings right now. "Where'd you go off to?" Kaede asks, opening one violet eye.
Pleasantly surprised by the shift in topic, Rantaro answers. "Barcelona. Sorry for leaving without any notice and then leaving you on read. I got an urgent call." Kaede doesn't know the specifics of his situation, regarding his sisters and all, but she knows enough to understand that he can't ignore any calls.
"Oh, don't worry about it." Kaede waves him off. "I was more worried about Shuichi than you, honestly! You've got it all under control, I think."
"Huh? Shuichi?" Rantaro furrows his brow, even though he has a pretty good idea of what she's talking about. "Elaborate?"
With a snort, Kaede rolls her eyes. "You and him disappear from the field trip for several hours and we eventually go downstairs to find you two cuddling on a bench. I mean, I wasn't surprised," Kaede wiggles her eyebrows and Rantaro looks away, feeling his face flush a little. "But then you just disappeared without a word! I don't know what you expected Shuichi to think of that. I think he understood but I could tell he was still upset."
...well, that's... Rantaro feels his stomach collapse in on itself a little bit, because the idea of Shuichi being upset in general, much less on his behalf, is certain to cause him serious gastrointestinal distress.
"Hey... Rantaro?" Kaede is concerned now. "You okay?"
Fuck. It's too early in the morning for Rantaro to pretend to be unconcerned, or at least hide his feelings. But he doesn't entirely want to hide his feelings at the moment, and he blames that on it being four in the morning as well. "Yeah, I'm fine." He smiles, but it feels strained even to him. "I just feel bad for upsetting Shuichi."
"I don't think you're fine." Kaede says lightly. "You know yourself, of course, so you could correct me, but..."
Rantaro doesn't.
"I don't know what happened between you two," she begins, leaning into the back of the bench and closing her eyes again. "But I can speculate, and I think you're stressed about it."
She's not explicitly asking for confirmation, but... Rantaro doesn't want to talk about it, he really doesn't, and yet... "I am stressed." He admits, faintly, and out of the corner of his eye he sees Kaede shift, turning to look at him. He's not sure he's ever confided in her before. "I don't know what to do, or what I want."
"Are you two dating?" Kaede inquires, to which Rantaro shakes his head. "Yeah, I kinda thought so. You act really comfortable around each other usually, and I can't tell you how many times I've walked in on you guys cuddling or something," she rolls her eyes, chuckling. "But sometimes there's this pause, like neither of you know what to say, or if what you wanna say is the right thing. That happens with established relationships too, but you just don't have the practice or the confidence of two people who have discussed their feelings for each other."
Kaede is remarkably observant. Rantaro swallows through a dry throat. "I want to be dating him." He murmurs, and even though he knew it before, saying it out loud makes the words feel even more real to him. "But there's just so much stuff that's... making me hesitate."
"Okay." Kaede nods, then turns her body entirely, so she's facing him fully, with her legs tucked into her body and her comforter wrapped around her shoulders like she's a burrito. "I had things that scared me before I dated Kaito, too." That was short lived, though, if Rantaro remembers correctly. They barely dated a week before breaking up and deciding that their feelings weren't infatuation, but mutual admiration and respect. "And even now, with Tsumugi. I felt better talking it over with someone, though."
Who did she talk about it with, Rantaro wonders? Someone like Kaede, who is always listening to other people talk about their problems... Shuichi, maybe? He's pretty sure even Shuichi confides in her, though. That's definitely why she picked up on their situation. (Not that they were making an effort to hide it.) It's possible that she talked to one of their upperclassmen- Makoto Naegi or Chiaki Nanami come to mind. Rantaro hasn't talked to them much, but he knows that they're reliably level-headed, and good listeners overall.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
A few minutes ago Rantaro was sure that he didn't, but... "Yeah. I do." He sighs, rubbing his temple. "There's kind of a lot, though."
"Well, we have time!" Grinning, Kaede gestures to the darkened sky hanging over their heads. "No one else is awake right now."
With that said, Rantaro takes a breath and starts to give Kaede an abridged version of everything that was running through his head just now. But as he speaks, he finds himself going into more detail than he intended as he started to talk, and it... it feels good, to talk about it. He only realises when he finishes talking, but... even just having Kaede know what he's been worrying about makes him feel way better than before.
Kaede adjusts her comforter. "Why don't you ask Shuichi to travel with you?"
"What?" Rantaro frowns. "But..."
"I know, it's a huge ask, but you're looking for something, right?" Rantaro nods, albeit hesitantly. "He's the Ultimate Detective. And missing person or missing thing cases are his area of expertise. You know, he climbed mountains and crossed rivers on his first case to find somebody's pet alligator."
Eyes widening, Rantaro checks to see if Kaede is joking. She doesn't appear to be. "You're serious?"
"Yeah! I was shocked too." A light laugh bubbles from Kaede's mouth. "He's really good at what he does, and Hope's Peak would definitely support if it was to better both of your talents. They let you go off to travel all the time, you know? I doubt they'd mind if Shuichi did the same so long as you guys come back for sports days and practicals. And you're already pretty big on that."
Still... "It's a huge request." Rantaro murmurs. "I couldn't ask that of him... it would be so much time away from everyone else and just with me, and he'd have to deal with my problems all the time... nobody wants to do that."
"Not if you don't even give them the choice to." Kaede shrugs. "And you could always offer to take him sometimes. He doesn't have to always be with you, it can be a part time deal. Like, sometimes he stays and sometimes he goes. He just goes enough so that it's not such a long-distance relationship."
Is that really the kind of thing Rantaro wants?
...yeah. It would be really nice to travel with somebody else. Everyone else in his life has given up on his objective, on finding his sisters. Shuichi has never given up on him, and Rantaro has to admit that being around Shuichi all the time is extremely tempting. Still, there are a lot of concerns about this solution.
"What if he gets tired of me?" Ranraro asks, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm not always the most fun to be around, you know. I just act like it when I'm here, because I have the ability to do so around people who I don't see very often."
Rolling her eyes, Kaede smiles slightly. "You really don't see how he looks at you, if you think he could ever get tired of you, Rantaro Amami." She reaches out to touch his shoulder. "We're so young and so little of what we're doing right now and who we are right now is definite, but I can tell in the way that you two look at each other when you think nobody is looking that what you have is more than teenage infatuation."
That's for sure. Rantaro has never felt this way before.
"Even with me, right now, with Tsumugi, what we have isn't that strong." Kaede snorts. "It could be, and I think it will, someday. But right now we're just trying to learn from each other. And you and Shuichi will too, if you let each other."
"We did say we'd talk about it..." Rantaro whispers, even though he told Kaede this before. "Do you really think that he...?"
"Sweetie, I'm one of his best friends. I know when he has a crush on someone." Sure, she says that, but Rantaro is pretty sure she had no idea when Shuichi was crushing on her. A blind spot on her part, he supposes, since Shuichi was pretty obvious about it. Though maybe Rantaro is the same way, considering. "And he has way more than a crush on you."
It's scary to be speaking so definitively about things like this when they're in high school, but it's also hard for Rantaro to do anything but. He doesn't know what's going to happen in the future, and there's no way for him to. Sometimes he thinks he'll never find his sisters. And it's the same way with this. Maybe things won't work out with Shuichi, and their friendship will be ruined forever.
But Kaede is right. Rantaro can't just assume Shuichi doesn't want to be around him without at least asking first.
"Thanks, Kaede." Rantaro smiles. "I feel a lot better now." He means it.
"Of course!" She grins back, squeezing his shoulder before pulling away and standing up. "I'm heading back to my room now, to get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning, right? No last-minute flights to Spain tonight?"
Rantaro chuckles. "None of those on the roster, no."
"Good. Good night, Rantaro!" Kaede waves before turning around and shuffling back to the dorms. He watches her retreat until she disappears behind the door.
Rantaro feels a bit too wired to sleep right now, but it's alright. He's feeling better. And it's almost 5AM. He can just watch the sunset, and think about things that make him happy. Probably still Shuichi, at the moment, but at least he's more sure of what to do.
That's progress.