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Shuichi doesn’t think that too much will go wrong until they’re actually standing in the elevator.
Up until that moment, everything is pretty straightforward. His class has gone a surprisingly long time without blowing up the class or doing anything particularly terrible, so to reward them and hopefully reinforce their good behaviour, the faculty at Hope’s Peak Academy decided to send them on a field trip. (Shuichi would feel better about it if he was actually assertive enough to have an impact on the shenanigans so many of his classmates are always getting up to. Namely Kokichi and Miu, but others have been known to get involved from time to time. The only deciding factors in prohibiting that behaviour are usually Kiibo, Kaede, and Kirumi. Shuichi tries to help, but he can only do so much without getting tired.)
He’s glad that the field trip fell on today, though, because yesterday, Rantaro returned from Zambia, and Shuichi wouldn’t want his friend to miss out on the fun.
Well, he says that, but fun is a pretty generous word for what ends up happening when they step into the building. Honestly, Shuichi hasn’t even been paying attention to what’s been going on. He meant to be! But his favourite artist just released a new album and he’s been listening to it non-stop through headphones for the past twelve hours or so. It meant losing a lot of probably much-needed sleep last night, to the extent that he’s basically a zombie right now, but it’s worth it to get caught up on the music. Also, Shuichi’s brain is always muddled when he’s listening to music, and since there are some things he’d prefer to avoid thinking about right now, having music on is ideal.
Namely one think, actually… on the bus ride there, Shuichi rests his head on the window and glances to his left, where Rantaro has taken a seat without a word. Usually, Kaede or Kaito would take that spot, but both of them are oddly intuitive, and so naturally they both chose to back off and urge Rantaro to sit there without saying anything out loud. Not that either of them is missing out, seeing as Kaede is able to get in some time with her girlfriend in neglecting to sit next to Shuichi (which is a recent development for him, by the way, Tsumugi and Kaede being together) and Kaito can pretty much sit next to anybody except Kokichi and have a really good time. At the moment, he has chosen to sit next to Korekiyo, and they actually seem like they’re having an engaging conversation.
But mostly, Shuichi is just a pretty bad seating partner, and that’s because he’s trying so hard not to think about his recent revelation regarding Rantaro. More specifically regarding his feelings for Rantaro.
Honestly! Even in his own head, he can’t seem to stop beating around the bush! Shuichi has feelings
for
Rantaro. Just thinking it makes him flustered, and he averts his gaze so that Rantaro won’t catch him staring. It’s not like it’s the first time he’s been aware of Rantaro’s general attractiveness. He’s a pretty guy, and there’s nothing wrong with noticing. But Shuichi was pretty sure that that was the extent of his feelings. Until a couple weeks ago, that is. And it would be fine if he could just keep his feelings under wraps until he forgets about them, but that hasn’t been happening.
With Kaito and Kaede, both of whom he had a pretty large crush on, he managed to avoid telling them anything or letting on that he felt that way, and by the time they would have been in the position to notice, Shuichi managed to kill off the feelings to avoid the awkwardness of confronting it with them. And it’s worked pretty well thus far, only, it’s not working like that with Rantaro. If anything, his feelings have just gotten stronger, the longer he’s kept them hidden… so suffice to say he’s having a hard time confronting it.
Obviously he should be honest with himself and his emotions but it’s not that easy! If he accepts that he has a crush on Rantaro, which he’s pretty much done by now, then that means confronting all the other things that come with those feelings. His readiness for a relationship. His mental health, and how that might affect a potential partner. Whether or not Rantaro even reciprocates the feelings.
Well, actually, Shuichi is pretty sure Rantaro returns his feelings. He might have really bad anxiety and self-deprecating tendencies, but he’s still a detective. He can pick up on those sorts of things without really trying to. And it would be hard not to develop at least a slight attraction with how much time they’ve spent wrapped up in each other’s arms as of late. Shuichi definitely hasn’t missed the chaste kisses to the top of his head, or the way that Rantaro’s hold on him tightens whenever he shifts slightly, like he’s scared that Shuichi is going to leave.
But there’s still the question of whether or not Rantaro is the type of person to be interested in that sort of relationship. It’s possible, of course, that he’s abstained from dating for so long because he’s just a busy guy, and doesn’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. In fact, even if that’s not the only reason, Shuichi’s certain that it’s at least a deciding factor. But also, it’s entirely possible that Rantaro just doesn’t want to date anybody. Either because he prioritises his sisters, or even just because he doesn’t know how to handle feeling like that about people. And maybe his feelings for Shuichi are entirely platonic!
At first, when these thoughts popped into Shuichi’s head, he was certain that he’d want to have whatever kind of relationship with Rantaro that the adventurer wanted. And it’s still true, to an extent, but Shuichi doesn’t think he’s comfortable being friends with benefits, or half-dating, or having an open relationship. It feels selfish, but he has to set his own boundaries. If he doesn’t, then whatever does end up happening between him and Rantaro will be pretty bad! And it could end up ruining the friendship that they have right now, which is the last thing that Shuichi wants to happen.
Also… even though Shuichi doesn’t like to think about it, Rantaro is kind of like a support system for him. Not in a weird way, and of course he doesn’t expect the other boy to solve his problems for him, but is that really the kind of dynamic that would be okay to have in a romantic relationship? Or in a friendship for that matter? They do have really nice interactions where they’re just talking and being happy and that’s excellent, but he wants more of them. And that means… well, it means seeing Rantaro more often, and that just doesn’t feel like an option, because Rantaro’s always traveling.
Note that this doesn’t mean that Shuichi wants Rantaro to change anything about himself. He’s got shortcomings, because everybody does, and Shuichi isn’t so blind with infatuation that he doesn’t see any of them in Rantaro, but still likes the adventurer the way he is. He wouldn’t have gotten such a huge crush on him otherwise. He started falling for Rantaro Amami, after all, and part of that infatuation is with his devotion to his family. Still, a long-distance relationship feels really stressful! Shuichi is self-aware enough to admit that he’s a really clingy person and he doesn’t trust himself to handle spending such extended periods of time apart from Rantaro were they dating. He already almost broke down the last time he was feeling lonely and it was late at night and Rantaro was on a trip, which meant no talking or interacting at all then.
Despite his attempt to drown out his thoughts by wearing headphones, it’s become blatantly obvious to Shuichi that he’s not going to be able to stop thinking about it. He sighs, rubs his eyes, and makes more of a conscious effort to wipe his brain clean. Actively avoiding thinking about a think only makes him focus on it more, though, so eventually he just ends up holding his breath to give him something else to think of. He can only go for about twenty seconds before he loses his stamina and has to suck in a few sharp breaths.
Rantaro’s brow furrows in concern, and his green eyes flicker in the detective’s direction, because Shuichi is sure he’s not being quiet, but he waves it off, feeling a bit too disoriented to handle talking to the other boy right now.
And that’s how things stay until they’re at their destination, and walking across the lobby. Shuichi can’t really hear anything over his music, but he eventually takes out one of his earbuds, figuring that he’s perpetuating a stereotype of Hope’s Peak Academy students by tuning out the tour guide and going off into his own world. Besides, he doesn’t want to be rude. He gets his mind back into the real world just in time to hear the tour guide mention that they’ll be taking the elevator up to the top floor.
Fantastic, Shuichi thinks, suppressing the urge to roll his eyes. He honestly doesn’t mean to be cynical, but long elevator rides aren’t his favourite thing. They’re usually awkward, and his class has sixteen people, plus Chisa, their homeroom teacher, the tour guide, and Kiyotaka Ishimaru, who came along as a chaperone of sorts. In favour of avoiding Ishimaru’s scorn, he pops his other earbud from his ear and tucks them into his pocket, shaking his head to try to clear some of the fogginess from his mind in preparation for the long ride.
Before they can move, though, Rantaro speaks up, and of course Shuichi listens. “Hey, would it be alright if I took the stairs?” His tone is casual, and not much about his demeanour has changed. Most of their classmates probably don’t think anything is off about Rantaro’s disposition at all. But Shuichi has seen him in private enough to recognise the stiffness in his movements; the slight flicker of panic in his eyes as he swallows and elaborates. “I need the exercise.”
“Ooh! Good idea!” Tenko punches the air, which feels unnecessary. “I’ll go with! I should constantly be in motion to keep my Neo-Aikido abilities up to speed!” She grins at Himiko, who is basically asleep on her feet next to her. “You should join us, Himiko! Get a little energy?”
“Nyehhh?” Himiko snaps awake, startled. “The stairs? No way, that sounds super tiring… unless someone is carrying me…”
“I can carry you!” Tenko volunteers in a high squeak. Shuichi snorts and looks at the tour guide, who is smiling sadly.
“Unfortunately, I’m going to have to say no. I’d rather we all stay together, and the stairs end up kind of far away from the elevator, so I’d like you three to be on the elevator with the rest of us so you don’t get lost. Is that okay?”
Shuichi can tell from the clench of Rantaro’s fist that it’s not, but he smiles anyway and nods. “Sure, no problem. I understand. This is a big building.”
And it is, Shuichi agrees. It’s possible that a lot of people could end up getting lost in here. So the tour guide’s reasoning is pretty understandable under these circumstances. Still, he can’t help wondering if he should say something, because there has to be a reason why Rantaro seems so tense all of a sudden. Is it possible that he just doesn’t like elevators? He knows the adventurer isn’t a fan of cars, but…
Maybe claustrophobia?
That makes a lot of sense, actually, and Shuichi has half a mind to blurt it out to the tour guide in an attempt to let Rantaro use the stairs and rejoin the group after (he’s sure that Rantaro could; he is the Ultimate Adventurer, after all) but if he’s not saying anything about it, there’s probably a pretty good reason for it. Knowing Rantaro, it’s because he doesn’t want to show weakness. It feels like a shallow choice when his comfort is on the like, but Shuichi has no place to be judging Rantaro for this. He knows himself best. Shuichi shouldn’t worry about it.
At least, that’s what he tells himself, but by the time they’re actually in the elevator, things seem to be higher stakes than Shuichi originally anticipated. He followed Rantaro onto the elevator and stood next to him, in case he breaks down and needs comfort, but when the elevator starts moving and the people standing in front of them lean backwards a little with the sudden movement, he can see that Rantaro is barely managing to hide how he’s feeling.
His face is starting to turn pale, and it appears as though a few beads of sweat have begun to make their way down the side of Rantaro’s face. Shuichi wants to take his hand, or something, and try to make him relax, but from the trapped look in those green eyes, he can tell that physical contact is probably a terrible idea right now, so that’s out of the question. It’s not going to be that long of an elevator ride, but it will definitely feel like hours to Rantaro, who is without a doubt on the verge of a panic attack now.
Shuichi can hear him sucking in a couple breaths, and they come out more strangled and desperate than he’s ever heard from the other boy. He doubts making people give Rantaro space will help even in the slightest, but he’s not sure what else there is that he can do without calling attention to the problem that his friend his having right now, which he’s sure would be unwanted.
The elevator stops, and there’s a ding. The doors slide open and people begin to pile off. Instead of following them, like Shuichi normally would, he looks over his shoulder and sees that Rantaro is still pressing his body against the wall, his eyes closed as he tries to get in a couple more breaths. It seems to be a struggle, though.
“H-Hey, Rantaro,” Shuichi calls gently, uncertain as to what course of action to take. Touching is not an option right now, but he has to get Rantaro’s attention somehow. “The elevator stopped. We can get off now.” His voice shakes a little, and now he’s certain that it’s obvious he knows about Rantaro’s panic attack.
The other boy, however, doesn’t seem to notice a thing. “Right,” he mutters, in a small, weak voice, and his eyes open, but they’re somewhere else entirely. “Okay.” Rantaro pushes off the wall and walks forward on unsteady feet, barely managing to stumble out of the elevator. Shuichi follows, wanting to offer assistance, but as soon as they’re out, Rantaro forcibly rights himself, taking a couple audible deep breaths. He seems to square his shoulders, and it’s definitely so that nobody else notices.
As much as Shuichi wishes he could take Rantaro’s hand, still, he knows he can’t. It’s probable that the adventurer is still panicking, just trying to hold it in. Slowly, the detective moves around so he’s in Rantaro’s field of vision, though he makes sure not to stand directly in front of the other boy, to avoid simulating what just happened on the elevator. Thankfully, it doesn’t seem to trigger the same response, so Shuichi speaks. “Rantaro, are you-”
Rantaro cuts him off, faint. “We’re going to have to go back down again.”
Taken off guard, Shuichi only blinks. “Huh?”
“We’ll have to take the elevator to get back down again. Into the lobby.” Rantaro’s tone wobbles and Shuichi has never seen him look so unsure before. “I can’t- I don’t want them to-” he barely chokes out the beginning of that sentence and eventually just falls silent, trying to police his breathing.
“...come on.” Shuichi glances behind himself and makes sure to check that the group isn’t looking at them. They’re not; they’re listening to the tour guide. Rantaro tilts his head but doesn’t say anything, probably just too far gone to formulate coherent thought right now. “While they’re distracted. Let’s take the stairs back down and stand outside so you can get some fresh air.” That’s probably four or five flights of stairs with somebody who didn’t properly process his panic attack, but there isn’t much of an alternative. Shuichi’s not about to suggest that they hop back onto the elevator.
Swallowing, Rantaro nods. “Alright.” He whispers, and Shuichi reaches out his hand, offering it for Rantaro to take. He doesn’t want to overstep, and he still doesn’t think touching the other boy is a good idea, but thankfully, the adventurer just takes it without asking any questions. His grip is like a vice, but if it’s that tight, it’s only because Rantaro is stressed, and Shuichi’s glad that he has somewhere to put out that energy.
Despite the tour guide’s earlier concerns, they find the stairs with no difficulty (really, Shuichi finds the stairs. Rantaro just kind of follows) and head down in silence. It seems that most people take the elevator, and with good reason, because there are a lot of stairs, but he’s glad that they don’t run into anybody. Not that Shuichi thinks they’d be stopped. It’s just a relief that they manage to exit the stairwell without incident.
The receptionist in the lobby gives them a side eye as they walk to the front door, but Shuichi ignores her in favour of pushing a door open and holding it for Rantaro, who eventually releases his hand and takes several stunted steps forward in front of the building before starting to sway a little on his feet.
Ignoring his predispositions that urge him to avoid physical contact at all costs, Shuichi rushes forward and catches Rantaro when he collapses. He works hard to avoid holding him super tight, or even all the way around, but there’s only so much he can do. Eventually his hands end up supporting Rantaro via his waist and shoulder, and it’s the best that Shuichi can manage.
Seeing as Rantaro fell backwards, he’s not facing Shuichi in his arms, but he does move his head a little bit to make eye contact. Shuichi is shamefully unsurprised to see that the other’s eyes are swimming with tears. They probably don’t represent much beyond stress, but it’s still painful to see your crush crying, no matter what the situation is.
He breaks the silence. “Claustrophobia, huh?”
“Yeah.” Rantaro sniffs, wipes at his eyes, and nods. “Ever since I was really young. You might’ve figured it out by now, but it’s part of the reason why I hate cars so much. Normally I can ignore it, like on the bus this morning,” he was stressed on the bus? Shuichi didn’t even notice! “But being in a small elevator with eighteen other people for an extended period of time that felt way longer in my head? I’m sure everyone knew I was freaking out.”
“Ah, I don’t know. You’re remarkably good at hiding your emotions.” Shuichi murmurs, but bites the inside of his cheek anyway. “You don’t have to be ashamed of it. I’m sure the tour guide would have let you take the stairs had she known.”
“Maybe.” As Rantaro sighs, he closes his eyes, and Shuichi carefully maneuvers them over to sit in one of the benches in front of the building. (Rantaro is basically sitting in his lap, but Shuichi tries not to think about it. Context is important. Right now thinking about his feelings is extremely inappropriate.) “But I have a… complex, you could say, about that sort of thing. It took you pestering me on and on for weeks until I told you about my sisters. I don’t like talking about my claustrophobia for the same reason.”
“That’s… right. I’m sorry about that.” Shuichi says lamely. He wishes he could figure out the perfect thing to say, but he’s never been too good at this, despite how often he ends up doing it.
“No.” Rantaro leans back and rests his head on Shuichi’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “I trust you. And I want to talk to you about it. And more things. It’s just…” he falls silent, then speaks again, voice thick like his throat has closed off. “Nothing happened to me to make me not want to share these things, you know? I just did it to myself. I never learned how to confide in people. It’s easy to talk to you, and that scares me, because I feel like if I tell somebody about my weaknesses, they start to define me.” His breath hitches. “Just now, in that elevator, I thought… ‘Shuichi is definitely going to notice that I’m panicking. He always notices these things.’” Shuichi feels his heart stop. “But as scared as I was that you’d notice, I was even more scared that you wouldn’t.”
God. Hearing Rantaro sound so vulnerable, it’s so new and scary but… Shuichi gently tightens his grip on the other boy, wanting him to know what he can’t express through words. “I might not have noticed with somebody else, but because it was you, I…” he trails off, not sure how to continue. But then he picks it back up again, because he can’t just leave it there. “Rantaro, it doesn’t make you weak to talk to somebody or trust somebody else. And no matter what, the things you consider to be weaknesses are never going to define you, unless you let them.” It sounds so artificial, but Shuichi knows it to be true. “More than that, I want you to confide in me. I want to be able to help you.”
All of a sudden, Rantaro’s green eyes shoot open, and then they’re both staring at each other, unwavering. Shuichi feels like there’s so much he still hasn’t said, and needs to say, but…
Oh, it can wait, can’t it…?
Actually, it’s not Shuichi who initiates what happens next, though it might’ve been, had he had a fraction less self control. As it is, he’s painfully aware that Rantaro has just had a panic attack, so kissing is out of the question in his mind, but-
But then Rantaro closes the distance between them and touches their lips together, and Shuichi is startled, and he’s so overwhelmed by how much he’s wanted to do this and for how long that he just reciprocates. He’s had very limited experience with kissing people before, aside from those couple kisses with Maki, just because she wanted to see what it was like from someone she trusted, and definitely never with a person who he had feelings for like he has feelings for the boy who’s sitting in his arms right now. It’s not a particularly good kiss, either, because despite Rantaro’s appearance, he doesn’t know what he’s doing as much as Shuichi doesn’t.
Still, though, it’s warm, and Rantaro’s lips taste sweet, and for a moment it completely robs Shuichi of his ability to think cohesively. But then his critical thinking skills return, full force, and he pulls away from the kiss, cursing himself for indulging.
Obviously, Rantaro would kiss him. If he does or doesn’t have feelings is irrelevant because he just had a panic attack. A very bad one. And he still hasn’t recovered from it. The adrenaline probably hasn’t even worn off yet. Shuichi was there to access the damages, and just proclaimed that he wanted to take care of him, and they’ve been acting so close these past several months, there are going to be feelings flying around! If Rantaro does have feelings that’s great, that’s excellent, but they can be dealt with later, when he’s thinking straight and when Shuichi is being less of a moron. It would be irresponsible and wrong for him to take advantage of Rantaro’s vulnerability right now.
No, hugs are fine. Kisses are out of the question. Shuichi has more self restraint than that. But now Rantaro looks hurt and he has to explain because otherwise the adventurer is going to get the wrong idea and ugh, why is this so complicated?
“R-Rantaro, I really want to.” Shuichi says honestly, and he’s never meant anything more, he hasn’t. “But I can’t, not when you’ve just had a panic attack. I’d feel terrible. You need to be feeling better before we can… talk about it, or do anything about it.” He takes a deep breath. “I promise, I really-”
“I get it.” Rantaro cracks a smile, and it touches his eyes, and Shuichi feels the tension in his chest dissolving. “I’m sorry for doing that so out of the blue, I was mostly just acting on impulse, I…” he averts his gaze, and mumbles, “I’ve wanted to do that for a while.”
And Shuichi isn’t oblivious but receiving confirmation makes his chest swell. “Then we should talk about it soon.” He asserts, smiling slightly. Rantaro nods. “But for now, I…” well, he’s not sure what to do now. But then Rantaro sits up a little bit, shuffling around so that he’s next to Shuichi on the bench rather than on his lap but still leaning on him. It was probably uncomfortable sitting like that. Shuichi’s legs have kind of fallen asleep. “W-We can just sit,” he suggests, and reaches out to intertwine their fingers.
“Mhm…” Rantaro hums his agreement, closing his eyes. “That’s okay by me. Sitting works.” And though his tone has returned to normal, Shuichi can still hear the residual panic from being in the elevator earlier, but he doesn’t think there’s anything he can say that will alleviate the stress.
So instead, he hums under his breath, a tune that he remembers his aunt singing to him when he was little, and listens to Rantaro’s breaths until they even out, and the other boy dozes off. This is a familiar position to Shuichi, and usually he’d fall asleep too, but instead he just stays away, watching Rantaro’s chest rise and fall with every breath. It’s soothing, in a way. And also probably kind of creepy.
Well, whatever. It doesn’t matter. He’ll figure everything out later. Soon, even. Rantaro agreed that they should talk about it. So they will. But for right now, he’s alright with waiting.