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Jeongin is the maknae of Stray Kids. Everybody knew it, people loved him and his desert fox -like feautures. His members were no execption. They too loved their precious maknae from the bottom of their hearts. Jeongin loved the members too, very much so, but he wasn't sure how to show it to them, without getting embarrased out of his mind. He didn't know how to handle the huge amount of love the members showered him in, he often felt awkward and found himself pushing them away with harsh words, blush dusting his cheeks. He and the members knew, that he was just joking and didn't know how to handle all the love. But sometimes, on a bad day he might seriously snap or someone could take his words to the heart. That's when Jeongin truly hated himself. He always apologized, but he still felt too guilty and he knew that his words and actions had hurted them. He just was so stressed, he didn't know how to cope with all the emotions he kept bottling up. Especially now that they were preparing for a comeback. Granted, everyone was stressed and a bit on edge, which made everyone sensitive. Jeongin was rigid with tension, holding himself from snapping, especially when members took comfort in clinging to him. He could feel himself grow more and more frustrated and anxious, but his hyungs were so fragile now. If there was a time, that members would take his words too harshly, it was now. He often now cried out of anxiety during the late hours of the night as a way to release some tension. He was glad, that he hand't been caught yet, he really wasn't in mood for explaining anything.
So he has been avoiding his hyungs with all his might, it seemed like this hurted them more than when he snapped at them. His conscience was heavy and it was eating him alive. He needed to apologize for being so distant. He needed to show that he still cared. Jeongin decided to cook some dinner for them. If only he knew that not everything would go according to the plan.
Jeongin rushed to the kitchen as soon as he heard the dorm door click closed. He had been planning this enough to make sure, that every members possible was out of the dorms. 3Racha was producing and were still polishing some tracks and making sure that everything would be the best, that they could do. The rest went to dance practice, but Jeongin claimed to feel a bit sick (which wasn't a lie. He felt sick with anxiety, which scooped his stomach every few minutes) and got the time he needed. He knew, that he would need to practice harder now that he slacked off a bit, but his hyungs were worth it. Nobody had stayed behind with him, thanks to his persuasion skills. Relucantly, others had agreed to go and practice without him.
He checked the fridge and cabinets to see which ingredients were missing. He then made a shopping list and went to the closest grocery store to buy them. He knew that he didn't need to rush too badly, but he had this weird energy just flowing in his veins, making him move faster.
Jeongin looked trhough the aisles, searching. He found the ingredients quicker than he thought and he could only smile proudly. He went over all the stuff that was in the basket and nodded to himself. He had managed to loose the shopping list at some point, but he trusted his memory enough, of course after he was done panicking. He had earned a few weird and worried glances at his way when he had gribbed his hair and wailed quietly in despair in the middle of the shop. He had apologized sheepishly and settled for pinching his wrist to keep himself in check. Jeongin went to check out, the cashier glancing at him every so often as she completed her task at hand. It made Jeongin a little uncomfortable, despite having a job, where people constantly stared at him. He just bit his lip behind his mask, payed for the groceries and thanked her, before scurrying off. He realized, that he had to walk home with the plastic bag in his hand. It wasn't very heavy, but would feel very heavy while walking. Jeongin groaned and stared at the blue sky in annoyance. Despite stressing and thinking about his plans multiple times, he still somehow overlooked this. He sighed, picked up the plastic bag and started walking as quickly as he possibly could, towards the dorms. He made sure that nobody had tried to reach him or even messaged in the group chat. His mind eased a bit, seeing that there were no notifactions. With a lighter mind, he rushed home.
He was slightly out of breath, when he reached the dorms. He toed off his shoes, threw his jacket onto the hanger and started unpacking the groceries. He was going to make some pasta, considering that it was quite easy, but still very delicious. Jeongin definitely wasn't the best cook out there, but he wasn't too shabby. He washed his hands and started preparing the meal. He was actually enjoying himself as he listened some music while putting the sphagetti into the water and letting it boil. He then prepared the minced meat, seasoning it and adding the tomato sauce.
"Ok, now I just need the food cream", he mumbled to himself, walking over to the fridge. He almost wished he didn't. Because the sight that greeted him back, was not what he was expecting or wanted. The food cream wasn't there. His breathing got stuck in his throat, his mind started whirling. Why isn't it there? Where is it? He panicked, looking over every shelf possible and every possible place that the cream could be in. By that time he was sobbing, choking and completely out his mind. Like all the anxiety and stress he had kept inside were now unleashed in form of this... What ever it even was. He couldn't breathe. His sobs transformed into heaves as he tried to get enough oxygen in and out of his lungs. He could faintly hear the meat sizzling on the pan, but a few moments later, he couldn't hear anything else except his own ragged breathing and thoughts that were too loud and too messy. He toppled over and his elbow hit the ground painfully, as he tried to get himself upright. He couldn't he was shaking too much, so he sat up shakily, leaning onto the counter. He couldn't get up. The tears blurred his vision, making him even more panicked. Where was his phone? Slowly he felt himself loose rational thoughts as the lack of air made him feel like he was dying. It felt like there was something in his throat, physically blocking his breathing, he desperately clawed at his throat. He was sweating and he was sure it was not because of the heat from cooking. Jeongin wasn't sure if he was ugly sobbing or if he was silent. He wasn't sure if he was now lying on the floor or still sitting. The panic had clouded his head. He was going to die.
Felix was coming back from practice, as he was still worried about their maknae and insisting to go and check on the younger boy. Jeongin had been unnaturally quiet and avoiding them, he was starting to get worried about him. He quietly came in throught the front door and immediatly smelled food. He smiled a bit, but he was a bit confused. It smelled like whatever was being cooked, was starting to burn. Felix took careful steps towards the kitchen and that's when he heard the quiet gasps and pants. He leaped the rest of the distance to the kitchen and he felt like his head stopped working for a hot second: The water was boiling over, the meat on he pan looked fine but smelled a bit burned, it was smoking a bit, but what truly caught him off guard was Jeongin. Their lovely maknae was laying on the floor, gasping for breath and sobbing. He himself panicked before quickly turning the stove off and moving the food away, then dropping to his knees next to the youngest member.
"Jeongin!" he called out to the boy on the floor, lifting the boy so he was upright and leaning on the counter. Jeongin flinched and a choked cry escaped his mouth. The younger tried to scramble away.
"Jeongin it's me, Felix! I need you to tell me what's going. Are you having an allergic reaction? Panic attack?" He asked frantically, trying to catch the younger's attention. Finally Jeongin heard him. Jeongin recongnized Felix's deep voice and tried to focus on him. He was gasping as he reached to grab Felix. His coordination was off and just brushed Felix's hoodies sleeve. Felix understood what he tried and guided his hands to Jeongin to grab. Jeongin's hold was almost bruising, as he tried to hold onto him.
"I-I c-can't. breathe!" he finally got out. Felix stroked Jeongin's trembling hands, that were still locked around his wrist.
"Allergic reaction?" he asked again, looking frantically around for his phone. Jeongin shook his head hastily. A panic attack, Felix's mind concluded. He felt a bit relieved to know that he wasn't in immediate danger.
"Jeongin, I need you to breathe. You're not dying, you're having a panic attack. You're okay", he calmly said. Jeongin's mind slowly caught up. If this was a panic attack, why did he feel like he was drowning and dying? It shoudln't feel like this, did it? He was brought back, by Felix's voice yet again when the older boy gave him slowly instructions to breathe.
"Inhale through your nose for five seconds -good job, Innie-, hold it for four seconds, you're doing great! Shh, no no, you can do it. Let's try again. Inhale through your nose for five seconds. Good good... Hold it for four seconds, great job. Now exhale for five seconds. You're doing amazing job!" Jeongin truly tried to follow his instructions, but then he felt like he chocked. He started gasping again irregurlarly and crying harder.
"Shhh Innie, you're okay.. Ok huh.. Innie, can I hold you?" Felix asked. Jeongin took a moment to understand, but when he did he nodded. Felix brought the boy against himself, wrapping his arms loosely around him, just incase if Jeongin wanted to leave, he could. He pressed Jeongin's head against his chest, where his heart was.
"Focus on what you hear. My breathing, my heartbeat, my voice. You can close your eyes if you need to", Felix said, while quickly planted a light kiss on top of Jeongin's head. Jeongin did as Felix asked. It took time and patience for Jeongin to calm down and get his breathing under control, but Felix held him through it, not giving up on him. Even when Jeongin no longer had problems breathing, Felix still kept talking to him. Jeongin felt drained and he wanted to sleep for the rest of the week.
After laying and sitting on the floor, for what felt like hours, Felix finally said:
"What happened? You don't need to talk about it if you don't want to, I'm just worried." Jeongin barely opened his eyes to throw a glance at him and sighed.
"I wanted to cook for you guys.. As an apology for avoiding you and being snappy. It was going well.. Until", Jeongin mumbled the last part, so that Felix had no idea what other said. He gently asked for the younger to repeat himself again, reminding that he wasn't one to judge.
"I... I couldn't find the food cream anywhere. I just.. I panicked and the next thing I knew, I felt like I was drowning", he said with downcast eyes. He felt embarrased and dumb. Felix just took a deep breath and caressed his cheek.
"I know what you're thinking... It wasn't dumb or pathetic. You're not weak either. These things just sometimes happen and it's okay", he said with a gentle tone. Jeongin closed his eyes again, when tears started burning then again. Felix sighed and hugged hin tighter.
"I'm sure all of us would have accepted your apology, even without the food. Can you tell me why were you so distant?" He whispered. Jeongin nodded.
"I felt so snappy and moody. And you guys clinged onto me so much, I couldn't just tell you off, because right now you're all so sensitive and I didn't want to hurt you", he explained quietly. Felix was quiet for a moment then asked:
"Does us clinging to you, make you anxious?" Felix honestly feared for the answer. Had they been causing Jeongin unintentionally anxiety? His own anxiety started bubbling inside of him.
"No no! I like it... I don't know how to handle it all though, so I usually just.. You know, snap at you playfully, but now all of us are so.. On edge. I didn't want to upset anyone, so I said nothing. And now that everyone is stressed, I kind of want my own space for awhile, but.. I just can't say anything", Jeongin rambled. Felix was quiet and listened.
"You shouldn't feel like you were suffocating. You know, you can talk to us, we would understand", he said quietly. Jeongin quietly just nodded.
"Well, do you want to finish that pasta sauce? We can go buy some food cream and just warm it all up again. From what I saw, it didn't burn badly so it will be okay", Felix suggested with a grin. Jeongin smiled faintly and nodded in agreement.
The two boys finished the cooking pretty nicely, it tasted good, aside from the little burned after taste. They were satisfied with the dish. Then they could hear as the front door was slammed open and the other 7 rowdy boys came in. They both jumped at the sounds a bit and looked at each other.
"Ohhhh I smell food!" They could hear the others chatter, as they rushed to the kitchen. Jeongin could his blood rushing to his cheeks as the boys' faces showed all different ranges of surprise, seeing him and Felix stand on the center of the kitchen, Jeongin with a spatula in hand and Felix with the plates. Jeongin slowly inched himself behind Felix and rested his head against his back.
"What... Did you guys plan this?" Jisung asked loudly, pointing an accusing finger but his lips were streched into a wide smile. Felix chuckled and petted the younger's head with his free hand, sad smile on his face.
"No.. This was Innie's surprise, but I walked in on-", Felix started, stopping at his sentence to glance at Jeongin, confirming that he was still fine with it. Jeongin nodded.
"I walked in on him having a panic attack", Felix said, frowning as the mental image of Jeongin laying on the floor, looking so weak and... Just bad. He looked like he was in pain. There was a heavy silence and Jeongin clung onto Felix tighter. Yeah this was a bad idea. His breathing started picking up yet again as the knot in his throat appeared again. It wasn't bad yet and he swallowed in big, deep breaths. His knuckles were turning white as his grip got even tighter on Felix's hoodie. His hands started to shske ever so slightly. He shut his eyes tight and willed himself to breathe. He couldn't focus as he heard the members get loud again. Then it was silent. Jeongin thought that he was under water again, where he coudln't hear anything again. But then he felt a hand on his shoulder and he whipped his head up, eyes wide. There was Chan, looking at him with those beautiful eyes wide with concern and worry.
"You're okay, Innie", he said softly. Jeongin nodded and loosened his hold on Felix's hoodie, but stayed close. Felix was safe. Felix was comfortable. Not that the others weren't, but Felix just had this... Aura. A feeling.
The dinner went well, the boys enjoyed the food, despite the after taste. He then of course explained what really had happened and what drove him to even making dinner in the first place. Felix held his hand through it all. The older members were upset, no doubt about that. They had apologized for not being considerate of his feelings, but Jeongin just brushed them off with a wave of his hand.
"It's okay. Let's just.. Try to talk things out, when these situations occur", he said with embarrased smile and pink cheeks.
"Ahhhh our maknae is growing up", Hyunjin wailed before hundling closer to hug him tight, before of course asking a permission to do so. Soon there was a big group hug. Or more like a family hug, if you asked Jeongin. Even in the mess of limbs, Felix still managed to hold his hand.