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There were many strange things Dazai was able to take without as much as blinking; his life, after all, was far from normal even at a young age, and it had only worsened he joined the ADA. The world of abilities was an unique and peculiar one, and Dazai could take everything it threw at him in stride.
Except for this, apparently. As Dazai sat in his chair, staring speechless at the man standing in the middle of the little circle that the ability users of the Agency formed around him, Dazai realized this was his breaking point, so to say.
All it took was for Atsushi to suddenly disappear out of thin air, only to be replaced with an older looking version of himself. The scare had been sudden and alarming enough that in 3 seconds flat, there were three guns pointed to the man.
It took a lot of talking and 30 minutes of Kunikida yelling for the situation to be explained: they were doing an experiment, in collaboration with the government, to test out a time traveling ability that allowed you to swap places with a version of yourself from a different point in time (though as it was still being tested, the swap was restricted to 15 years in the past at the moment).
He wondered if a certain old friend was involved in the procedures, as this type of work reeked of him, bit Dazai didn't linger on the thought.
As bizarre as the whole setup sounded, Dazai shrugged and thought “that just might as well happen”.
The good news: It wasn't a lasting ability, its effect stays active for only an hour and a half; by the end of that time, their Atsushi would be back unscathed.
The bad (?) news: Atsushi was calm as he answered to questions and sometimes, when he looked past everyone to find Dazai, he would smile with a charm that Dazai didn't remember ever seeing in his Atsushi. It might not be bad news, but it is bad for his health in general.
The definitely bad news: Whenever Atsushi moved his hands to brush his hair (which is longer and fixed from its asymmetrical cut) out of his eyes, the gold band on his left finger caught the light and brings Dazai's attention back to it again.
What's worse, no one seemed to have noticed, or if they did, they had yet to point it out. Dazai narrows his eyes at his coworkers, managing to catch Ranpo's eyes. The detective tilts his head, and in the span of a second his expression changes to show a growing smirk, his open eyes staring back at Dazai in a way that indicates he knew exactly what was going through Dazai's head.
Dazai curses under his breath, choosing to ignore Ranpo's knowing gaze to focus on Atsushi instead, eyes staying on target as he finally stands up and approaches while humming to himself.
“It's a good thing this isn't permanent, it'd be a problem if we couldn't get Atsushi back,” Kunikida is saying. He pauses for a moment as he looks at the older Atsushi. “The younger Atsushi.”
Atsushi chuckles in response. “I'm sure it'll be okay, Kunikida-san. The other me is in good hands, I believe.” His eyes turn to the ground, a soft smile playing on his lips. “Though, he might find the future a little, uhm. Surprising.”
A quiet “ohh?” was heard from the little crowd; Kenji in particular looked eager to ask more about whatever future Atsushi came from, his curiosity clear in the twinkling eyes.
“Why, is Atsushi in any sort of danger?” Kunikida is the one to ask, his hand twitching towards his chest, where his notebook is kept—what good his notebook could do with Atsushi nowhere near them, Dazai isn't sure, but that only makes the gesture that much more amusing.
“No, no, I don't think so! Like I said, he's in good hands. It's just that, well… Ah,” Atsushi interrupted himself when he took notice of Dazai watching the commotion. He was startled for a moment, only to beam and wave at Dazai a beat later.
Normally, he'd enjoy the view, but the motion only made the ring even more evident. Dazai stalks closer, eyes glued to Atsushi and mischief clear in his face.
He fully intended to get some information from Atsushi, except that as soon as he was face to face with him, their distance shortened to only three steps apart, he realizes the angle is all wrong.
When Atsushi meets his eyes, Dazai gasps.
“Did you grow taller?!” Dazai yelled, pointing an accusatory finger at Atsushi.
Atsushi took the one step further, their height difference (or lack thereof) becoming even more pronounced as they stood this close to each other.
“A couple centimeters, yes,” Atsushi said.
“A couple ? You're the same height as me!” Dazai said.
“As it turns out, regular, healthy food is good for your growth,” Atsushi joked. When Dazai didn't stop pouting, Atsushi patted his arm in consolation. “You're still three centimeters taller, don't look so bummed out.”
“I'm not,” Dazai said with a huff.
Atsushi laughed, soft and melodic, and this time Dazai could see the crow's feet that appeared around his eyes, a gift from the passage of time. They were faint enough not to be a glaring detail, the wrinkles of someone who's nowhere old, but is far from their youthful days.
Dazai watches this Atsushi, with wise and kind eyes, a confident but non-threatening demeanor, and unending patience to reply to an onslaught of question without the fond look on his face ever wavering and it finally hits that Atsushi grew. Not just in height, but as a person. This Atsushi, with the gold ring on his finger, was someone who found a happy future that Dazai knew nothing about.
Dazai watches him and aches.
“So, Atsushi-kun,” Dazai says, voice light, never betraying the pain growing in his chest, “who's the lucky person, huh?”
At the sudden topic change, Atsushi looks up from the conversation he had been engrossed in with Kenji. He frowns.
“What?” Atsushi asks.
“I can't be the only one who noticed, right?” Dazai glances at his colleagues, who are wearing matching looks of confusion. Dazai rolls his eyes. “If you weren't all so busy fawning over Atsushi-kun, you would've already seen it. The ring on his finger!”
“We're the ones fawning?” Yosano says, quiet so only Dazai would hear. He sees her stifling her laughter when Dazai sends a betrayed look in her direction.
“Oh, you're right!” Kenji says, grabbing Atsushi's hand and holding it up where himself and the others could see it. “So you're married, Atsushi-san?”
It shouldn't come as surprise when Atsushi goes pink and turns bashful, as it's a common sight from his Atsushi. But since the older version of him appeared, the man had yet to get flustered, despite having his shy moments. Dazai admires the mix of Atsushi's mature face with the boyish embarrassment that Dazai is used to.
“Yes, I am,” he replied.
Going by the way Kenji leaned closer, Dazai would bet the answer wasn't enough to satisfy his curiosity (not that Dazai could blame him, as he felt the same—for entirely different reasons, however).
“Do you like them?” Kenji asked.
Then, in a smaller voice, Kyouka added, “Are you happy…?”
Atsushi looked between the two teens, chuckling. “Of course I like them, or else we wouldn't be married, right?” He said. Atsushi glanced at the gold band. “And… Yes, I am. So happy it scares me sometimes.”
Kyouka nodded her head, and Atsushi took the momentary pause to pat her hair. “Thank you for looking out for me,” he whispered.
When a few more seconds passed and no one followed up with another question, Dazai tapped his foot impatiently. “Well,” he started, “aren't you going to to answer the most pressing question, Atsushi-kun?” Dazai held his hand under his chin and hummed. “I'm starting to think you're evading it on purpose.”
Raising his hand up defensively, Atsushi shook his head. “I'm not, really.” He looked to the side, palms closing into a loose fist as he shrugged. “I suppose I am, in a way.”
“But I want to know, Atsushi-kun!” Dazai whined.
“I’m not sure I should, it's probably best not to reveal much about the future or it might not happen—” Atsushi cut himself off as he looked for support, eyes falling on Kunikida, but the man had yet to snap from the powerful glare he had directed to Atsushi's finger. “...Right?”
“Atsushi, it's better if you just accept your defeat,” Yosano said. She gestured to the youngest members of the Agency, both of which had inched so close they were practically plastered to his side. Kunikida was still frozen in the same position.
When he chanced a glance at Dazai in a plea for help, Dazai crossed his arms and grinned. Kenji was now letting out a string of questions, unable to hold back any longer.
“R-Ranpo-san!” Atsushi yelled over the noise.
“Mmhmm?” Came the indifferent reply.
“Please, say something already.” Atsushi took a few steps back, closer to Ranpo's desk. “Aren't you enjoying this a little too much?”
Ranpo leaned his cheek on a fist, sucked on his lollipop for an uncomfortably long moment, then took it out of his mouth with a pop. He stuck his tongue out in distaste.
“That would imply I'm interested in the conversation,” Ranpo said.
“Oh, please, I've known you for over a decade, I can tell by now when you're listening to something that amuses you,” Atsushi huffed. “And, I'm sure you're the only one aware of… You know.”
Wait.
“Of course! I know all there is to it,” Ranpo agree with pride. “Down to every single sordid detail, as well. No one would know better than myself,” he said in a singsong.
Atsushi looked to the side, blush coming back with a vengeance.
Huh?
“Don't say things like that, you'll give them weird ideas, Ranpo-san,” Atsushi grumbled.
Just wait one goddamn minute.
“Atsushi-kun?” Dazai called out, voice eerily calm. “Say, isn't that an interesting conversation you are having?”
As Dazai stalked closer, something that seemed suspiciously like distress crossed Atsushi's face before he schooled it back into a neutral expression. The familiar attitude would bring a smile to Dazai's face any other day, but at the very moment Dazai had more urging matters to worry about.
He clasped both his hands to Atsushi's shoulder, who jolted.
“Tell me, Atsushi-kun,” Dazai entoned, dripping with playfulness.
“Yes?” Atsushi said, body language so tense it would be more appropriate to someone about to go into battle.
“The person you married, could it be Ranpo-san?”
Atsushi blinked.
“Eh?” Atsushi said.
“ Hah ?” Ranpo echoed.
While Atsushi was busy being bewildered, Ranpo had no such reservations and burst into laughter, clutching his stomach and pointing a finger at Dazai.
“H-He thinks—,” Ranpo stuttered, breathless and still clutching his sides. “That Atsushi and I…!” He giggled, which grew back into loud laughing.
“What was I supposed to think, huh, if you two talking as you were,” Dazai interjected, pouting.
Ranpo was too busy laughing to be of any use, so Dazai just focused on Atsushi. He made his best impression of a kicked puppy, earning an exasperated sigh from Atsushi.
“I just meant he has already figured it out by now, isn't that what you should be expecting from Ranpo-san?” Atsushi said. “He already knows the person I'm… Interested in at this point in time, and seeing me has just confirmed it. Right?”
“Pretty much,” Ranpo confirmed with a nod. He was wiping tears from his eyes and snorting whenever he looked at Dazai.
There were rarely times when was out of the loop and struggling to understand what was going on around him, but this managed to cause just that, and Ranpo's smug reactions weren't helping with his growing irritation. Dazai tightened his grip on Atsushi's shoulders.
“Then, the Atsushi from now already knows this person, and he likes them already?” Dazai leaned in, fully aware that he was well into Atsushi's personal space. “Do I know them?”
There was cough and the sound of someone choking, but Dazai didn't pay them any mind, eyes on Atsushi only.
“Yes, you do,” Atsushi said. “Very well, in fact.”
Dazai narrowed his eyes.
“Did you marry Kunikida-kun? Not to judge, but isn't that inviting too much stress into your life? I never took Atsushi-kun to like the strict type—”
“I did not marry Kunikida-san,” Atsushi thankfully interrupted his rant—“thankfully” because Dazai suspected one more second of it and he would've been struck by a stapler.
“Atsushi is nowhere close to reaching my criteria for the ideal partner,” Kunikida added in all seriousness.
Some irrational part of Dazai wanted to contest that, as how could anyone imply Atsushi was anything but the perfect boyfriend, but he quickly shoved it down.
“Tanizaki?” Dazai asked.
“I'm pretty sure Naomi would kill me,” Atsushi said.
“Then, Yosano-sensei?”
Yosano chuckled from across the room. “If I were to marry someone, Atsushi wouldn't be that person. No offense.”
“None taken,” Atsushi said with just as much amusement. His mouth opened on a follow-up, but seeming to think better of it, he closed it again, smiling to himself. There was a knowing glint in his eyes.
“Well, then who else…” Without counting the non ability user staff of the Agency, the only ones left were Kenji and Kyouka, but this older Atsushi had shown from the very beginning to have a brotherly affection for the two even in the future.
Ah, there's also… His eyebrows shoot up as he gave Atsushi an assertive once-over. “Oh, then what about Fukuz—”
“Don't even finish that thought,” Atsushi interrupted, at the same time Ranpo said a vehement “No .”
“I'm just guessing. I mean, I wouldn't judge, it's understandable.” When there was a chorus of groans in response, Dazai stuck his tongue out at them. “So you are all going to pretend you haven't noticed the Director is a handsome man—”
Atsushi flung himself towards him, clasping his hands over Dazai's mouth so all that could be heard from him were senseless noises.
“I'm begging you to stop before Ranpo-san stabs you with the stick of his lollipop,” Atsushi begged in a low voice, meaningfully nodding his head towards Ranpo's table.
The cold smirk Dazai saw was enough to convince him to let the topic go.
Once he was sure Dazai wouldn't continue the subject, Atsushi let him go, sighing in relief.
The brief pause brought his attention to the way his chest seemed to shrink and squeeze his heart as he watched Atsushi. Licking his lips, Dazai tried to swallow the bitter taste in the back of his throat.
Was it hopeless, after all? To let the warmth in his chest bloom, and the affection to take over. Dazai rarely let himself imagine a future where they would be together, but seeing the glaring evidence that that would never come to be was sudden splash of freezing water.
He wondered what was to become of him in the future Atsushi came from.
“Os— Dazai-san?” Atsushi called, voice tinged with worry. Dazai, who had been caught in his own thoughts, snapped back to the present, making sure his expression was fixed on something light.
“Sorry, sorry, I got distracted for a moment. Shall we go back to our guessing game?” Dazai said. The hands he still hand on Atsushi's shoulders dropped, and Dazai took a step back.
Atsushi pressed his lips in a thin line.
“Will you excuse us? It'll only be a moment,” was all the warning Dazai got before Atsushi grabbed his wrist to lead him away from the group. Good thing no one tried to stop him, as Atsushi didn't wait for permission to leave the room, and Dazai could only follow, caught off guard by the lack of hesitance from the weretiger.
Once they were standing in the dark hallway and the door was firmly closed behind them, Atsushi was now the one to in get in his space, eyes scanning Dazai's expression.
“Are you okay?” Atsushi asked.
“Yes, of course. What's this all of a sudden, Atsushi-kun?” The response came easier this time, now that Dazai had composed himself.
Atsushi studied him for a second longer before pulling away.
“Right…” He mumbled to himself. “That's fine. More importantly, I wanted to ask you why do you want know to so much? About who I'm married to, that is.”
“Why, because as your mentor I should know everything about my subordinate, of course.” Atsushi crossed his arms, and the air of skepticism was clear in the way he raised one eyebrow. “You don't think so?”
“No, because that's a lie,” Atsushi locked eyes with him, “isn't it?”
Dazai opened his mouth; when nothing came out, Atsushi raised the other eyebrow. Seconds passed without any of them reacting, instead only watching each other in the dim light.
For maybe the third or fourth time (Dazai was starting to lose the count), Dazai was hit by just how much older this Atsushi was. 15 years was a long distance away into the future, and as it is at the moment, Atsushi has more experience than Dazai himself. If Atsushi has known him for that long, he undoubtedly has learned how to pick up on Dazai's lies, perhaps even beyond that.
All the excuses came tumbling down upon the realization and, without them, Dazai is left only with words too sincere to be said.
So he doesn't.
“You are so dramatic, you know,” Atsushi says. Dazai notices he's smiling, and there's no bite to his words. “I was just trying not to scare you away, if I knew you'd make that face, I would've just said it right away.”
“Scare me away?” Dazai repeated, tilting his head.
“Don't sound so incredulous,” Atsushi laughed. Then, he extended a hand in invitation. “Can you home here for a second, please?”
Dazai hesitated, but seeing as it wouldn't do him any harm to comply, he stepped closer, leaning against the wall with Atsushi in front of him.
Being so close to Atsushi did nothing to alleviate the queasiness building up in his stomach; in fact, it only succeed in shaking him to his chore, like water being sloshed inside a bottle. He tried not to mind too much the burn of acid rising in his esophagus.
The sight of the gold ring sticks to the inside of his eyelids, repeating itself as a movie made to loop for who knows how long.
“Atsushi-kun…” He starts, but again the words refuse to leave. They are right there on his tongue, but the muscle freezes on the shape of the letters.
Atsushi seems to sense his hesitation and puts a hand on his arm, rubbing it in soothing motions (when did Atsushi become the tactile one between the two of them, Dazai wonders distantly).
“You don't have to say anything,” Atsushi says, with a tenderness that makes Dazai clench his jaw. “I get it, it's okay. I wish I had more time to talk to you properly, but my time will be up soon.”
Oh, right , the time. “How long do you have?”
“I think around— Ten minutes, I think…?” The last part was mumbled as Atsushi pulled up his sleeve to take a look at his wristwatch. “Oh, nine, actually. So, not a lot, I'd say.”
“Then, is this your goodbye?” Dazai asked, smiling to fight against the frown that wanted to appear on his face. Lack of resolution was maybe one of Dazai's most hated feelings, but there was nothing much he could do if the ability would be wearing off so soon.
“Not yet, I should have a few minutes to spare” Atsushi said.
“Are you playing favorites, Atsushi-kun,” Dazai joked. “Not that I blame you, of course.”
“Oh shush,” Atsushi chuckled, waving him off. “Actually, I wanted to give you two things before I go.”
“A gift from Atsushi-kun? Now I am definitely feeling special.”
“I said shush,” Atsushi insisted, the light tone in his voice never leaving. “The younger me might be a little disappointed if he hears I did this first, but,” the hand Atsushi had on his arm lowered to his elbow and squeezed, “I think he'll understand.”
Atsushi pulled and Dazai stumbled forward, losing his footing when he leaves the safe support of the wall. Dazai braces himself by holding on to Atsushi's waist, but it's all he gets to do before there lips at the corner of his mouth, just barely touching his own lips. And despite how small the touch is, Dazai's breath hitches on a gasp.
A billion thoughts run through Dazai's head, the most prominent being that this ain't something that a married person should be doing. Then, waving the worry away, because Atsushi would never betray his partner in any way.
Oh, was his first thought, as realization hit him and the air was punched out of his lungs yet again. Oh, he thinks again, loud and clear as Dazai fought to contain the hope that rose inside him, and the conviction that it was more than just wishful thinking.
Giddy, the surprise takes a moment to wear off, and by the time he tries to tilt his head to capture Atsushi's lips, the other is already pulling away. Dazai's tries to keep him there by pulling on his waist, but Atsushi pressed a gentle and firm hand to his chest, maintaining their (quite small) distance.
When Atsushi chuckles, a throaty sound that makes Dazai's head spin with not so innocent thoughts, Dazai is hit by an unfamiliar wave of embarrassment for the way his eagerness contrasts with Atsushi's calm self. Dazai clears his throat and takes a step back, shoving his hands deep inside his pockets, where hopefully they won't be tingling with the impression of Atsushi's warmth still lingering on his fingertips.
Was this how Atsushi felt all the time? That would explain why he got flustered so easily.
“That was more an impulse of mine, sorry for making you indulge me for a bit,” Atsushi said.
“It's nothing—”
“You're pretty cute when you're jealous,” Atsushi spoke, scratching his pink cheeks, but voice unwavering, as if he was commenting on the weather, “so I couldn't help teasing you just a little bit. I'm sorry about that.”
Dazai opened his eyes so wide he was sure they would fall off their sockets. “I'm— Don't call me 'cute’, Atsushi-kun! It doesn't suit me at all!” Dazai protested, ignoring the jealousy part.
“Doesn't it?” Atsushi asked innocently, rocking on the ball of his feet.
He clicked his tongue. “See, this is what happens when the young ones grow. They get mean and bully their mentors.”
“They also get to be your height, apparently.”
“Almost my height.”
“Of course, how could I forget the 3 centimeters,” Atsushi agreed with a nod.
“Patronizing me, that's what you're doing.”
Atsushi laughed, but didn't deny the claim. Then, he froze, glancing at his watch again, letting out a groan at the numbers he saw on it.
“I always let myself get distracted by you, what a horrible habit,” Atsushi sighed.
“It's a talent of mine,” Dazai said with pride.
“Please, Dazai-san, just let me speak before we run out of time.” Dazai mimed zipping his lips, then locking it and throwing the key away just for good measure. Atsushi rolled his eyes. “The other thing I have for you, it's actually a message.”
“Oh? And what's this message, then?”
“‘You won't lose this.’”
Dazai didn't dare move a muscle as he looked at Atsushi, waiting for some kind of catch. When it didn't come, he chuckled so the pang in his chest wouldn't be as obvious.
“And who is the message from?” Dazai asked, though he already knew the answer.
“You.”
He nodded. The smile in his face didn't feel stretched too far as it would often do; it was only a curve to the corners of his lips, but it came with a sincerity that Dazai rarely allowed himself.
“As I would've expected,” Dazai said.
“Do you get it now?” Atsushi whispered.
“I think I do, yes.”
Despite the impatient glance Atsushi gave towards the door, the way his eyes softened was genuine. Dazai wanted the sight to last longer, to be able to commit Atsushi's image to memory, from the faint wrinkles to the longer hair. A part of him feared he would never get to see it again, this future that seemed to bright to be promised to someone like him.
And still, it was given to him just the same, and Dazai couldn't deny the proof of it.
“You can go, Atsushi-kun. I'll be fine, I'll stay and...” He gestured to the deserted hallway. “Catch some of this fresh air, you know?” Dazai winked, to Atsushi's amusement.
The man waved, opening the door to join the other others member of the Agency, surely to say his goodbyes.
“I'll see you soon, Osamu.” When Atsushi waved, the stripe of gold was just as eye-catching as always.
Dazai slumped against the wall, pressing a palm to his face to cover the lower half of it. He laughed quietly, trying his best not to take notice of how warm his own body felt.
“What about 15 years is ‘soon’, Atsushi-kun?” Dazai asked the empty air. His heart beat faster with a melody so cheerful it would be embarrassing if anyone else were to hear it.
“But I think that's a future worth waiting for, huh?”