Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

            Perhaps the most difficult contraption in the world is a rather simple one—the small, hard to master bra clasp. I mean, come on. How do you slip the straps over your shoulders and then reach behind yourself to get these things together? I spent a good fifteen minutes attempting to get the clasps to fasten. Once I managed that, by some miracle, I stared down at myself and frowned.

            “We’re just going to have to fix that,” I muttered.

            I shoved some newspaper into the bra as best as I could. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing I could have done, I’m sure, but I wasn’t sure what else might work.  I’d seen this sort of solution on television before, so it likely had a few faults other than poking into my skin. I frowned deeper and faced the mirror.

            “Oh, I just look…”

            Ridiculous.

            “Maybe it’ll look better if I pull a shirt on…” I said.

            “B-big brother?!”
            Hearing Sugu’s voice, I jumped and turned around, instinctively covering myself up as best I could with my arms. She stared at me, frozen in place, with her mouth hanging open in shock. Slowly, but surely, she pointed a finger at my chest.

            “Is that…my bra?”

            Heat rose in my cheeks. I didn’t know how to explain myself. What was I supposed to tell her? I wasn’t ready to tell her. The only two people who knew were Shino and Asuna. Ah, that was right. I clutched my shoulders and shut my eyes tight.

            “Asunaaaaa!”

            “What, what!”

            “Y-you KNEW he was trying on my bra?!”

            “Kaz, baby, why are you putting on Suguha’s bra?” Asuna sighed.

            She marched over to me and pulled my arms away from my chest. I opened my eyes just a smidge. Asuna was giving me a pointed look.

            “I go to the bathroom for five seconds…” she said. “Look, we’ll get you a bra, but it needs to be proportionate to your body, okay? What is this?”

            Asuna reached into the bra and pulled out the newspaper.

            “Kirito.”

            “I…just thought…”

            I wanted to cry. I wasn’t trying to act stupid. I wanted to alleviate the dysphoria. I’d thought that maybe by putting on a bra and trying to look like I had breasts would fix that, but I still felt horrible. Unable to finish my statement, I collapsed forward onto Asuna, clinging to her as if that hid me from Sugu’s line of sight.

            “What’s going on here?” Sugu asked.

            “Are you gonna tell your baby sister, or am I?” Asuna asked, her voice sounding lighter and more teasing now. “I think it’s okay to talk to Suguha about this, don’t you? She’s a good sister. I don’t think she’ll make fun of you.”

            I glanced over at Sugu. She flashed me a worried look and then took a few steps towards us. She gave me a reassuring smile and placed her hand on my arm.

            “You can tell me anything, big brother,” she said.

            Biting my lip, I stared down at the floor.

            “Please…don’t call me that.”

            Asuna stepped away from me, removing the convenient shield. I desperately wanted to pull her back in front of me. Talking through a person made it less, well, personal. Telling Shino had been scary, for sure, and telling Asuna had made me nervous, but at the end of the day, neither of them were blood-related to me. If they’d chosen to turn their back on me for being transgender, I’d never have to deal with them again. Sugu was my sister. I couldn’t just avoid her.

            “What do you mean?” she asked.

            My eyes met Asuna’s first. She nodded for me to look at Sugu instead. I drew in a deep breath and made sure to lock eyes with my little sister. She waited patiently for me to gather myself. I curled my fingers up into my palms.

            “I…I want you to call me big sister instead…”

            Her expression was mostly unreadable, aside from her eyebrows raising a little. When she said nothing, I pushed out a hurried thought.

            “I…I don’t really want to tell mom and dad yet,” I said. “I don’t think they’ll handle it well. Knowing I’m a girl, that is. Only you and Asuna and Sinon know. And they haven’t known for very long…I mean…I haven’t known for very long, but I’m sure of it!”

            Sugu smiled gently at me and then pulled me into a hug.

            “Okay,” she said. “I don’t really get it, but okay.”

            I glanced over to Asuna for help.

            “And she promises not to steal your bras again,” she added.

            Very, very unhelpful, Asuna.

            Sugu giggled and let go of me. I reluctantly removed her bra and handed it back to her. She took it, promptly tossing it into her laundry pile, and then headed over to her dresser. She pulled out a few things from a little container on top of it and turned around, waving a few bottles of nail polish in our direction.

            “While I’m not a fan of you trying on my bras,” Sugu said, “I would be very excited to show you how to paint nails.”

            I glanced over at Asuna. Her eyes were lit up like someone had offered her some cream buns—or maybe even a bath. She dashed over to Sugu and started looking at the various colors in her hand.

            “Oh, Kaz, come over here!” she said.

            She pulled me over to Sugu by the arm and then pointed down at the bottles.

            “Sugu, we should give her a makeover!” Asuna suggested. “As long as we don’t do anything too obvious and alert your mother, that is. But I was telling her earlier that we could maybe do some dress shopping!”

            Sugu handed me a few bottles of different shades of purple nail polish.

            “I personally think these would look good on you, big sister,” she said. “Does a particular one stand out to you as a favorite?”

            I felt my heart flutter a bit. It was the first time I’d heard her call me her sister. Even if it was only because I’d just come out to her, it filled my chest with an unmistakably warm feeling. I smiled down at the polish in my hands and nodded.

            “I like the darker one with the sparkles!”

            “That makes sense,” Sugu said, chuckling.

            “You should have seen her trying to defend siding with a dark elf for her purple color scheme back in SAO,” Asuna said. “She might parade around in black all of the time, but she can’t deny she’s also a big purple fan!”

            “H-hey!” I said. “You liked siding with Kizmel, too!”

            My girlfriend and sister just laughed. Eventually, I stopped pouting and ended up laughing as well. I guess I did really like purple. Sugu had me sit down on the floor and told me she’d do just my toes since I could easily hide the nail polish with socks, slippers, or shoes. She showed me how to paint one foot and then handed me the brush and told me to try doing it on my own for the other.

            “This is harder than it looks,” I mumbled.

            I was very concentrated on keeping my hand steady as I pulled the brush across my nails. Fortunately, Sugu had plenty of really nifty tools for getting the paint off of my skin if I did manage to mess up.

            “Even after years of doing this, I still manage to get it on my skin every once and a while,” Asuna said. “Don’t feel bad if you can’t keep perfectly on just the nails. You’re doing a good job for your first try!”

            Her words only made me feel more nervous. Now I had to keep up the decent work for the rest of the toes. And I started with the big toe, thinking that was a good idea. The nails only get smaller, what was I thinking? I focused on staying on just the nails.

            “Were you two thinking of going dress-shopping today?” Sugu asked, looking up at Asuna.

            “Yeah,” she said. “I think if she had something more feminine to go out in, it might help with the dysphoria,” Asuna said. “Not just dresses, though. Anything that makes her feel feminine or comfortable expressing herself as a girl.”
            I paused before painting my pinky toe.

            “I want to try heels!” I blurted out.

            Sugu and Asuna both burst into a fit of giggles.

            “Oh, babe, let’s take baby steps,” Asuna said.

            “No, no, let her go ahead and try them, I have to see this!” Sugu insisted. “We need to figure out her shoe size!”

            She jumped to her feet and ran off to the front door, likely to find one of my shoes and check its size. When she came back, she wrote it down and started doing a Google search on her phone for a conversion. I finished up the last toe and instinctively wiggled them.

            “Now we just need to wait for them to dry,” Asuna told me. “Until then, do you mind if I do a little makeup test on you?”

            I blinked at her, unsure of what to say.

            “If nothing else, it’ll help you pass when we go shopping,” she said.

            “Oh, okay,” I said.

            I hadn’t meant for it to come out as sad as it sounded when I actually did say it, but I think Asuna could tell I wasn’t enthused about putting on makeup as a means of hoping I’d look more like a girl. Then again, I think it was more so the fact that she had to help me pass in the first place.

            Cisgender people don’t have to put effort into believably being the gender they were assigned at birth. No one looked at Asuna and doubted she was a girl. She could be dressed up as a boy, but people would look at her and instantly call her “she.” It took zero effort on her part to be identified as a woman. But for me, especially now that I was older, I could wear a dress, shave my legs, put on a wig and makeup, and someone would still look at me and call me “he.”

            Asuna’s efforts weren’t offensive; in fact, I was more than appreciative for her love and support. It just hurt to have to hear that I had to try extra hard to get people to know I’m a girl. I drew in a deep breath and apologized.

            “It’s not the makeup,” I said. “I’d love for you to give me a little makeover. I was just thinking it seems unfair that I have to put makeup on to be considered a girl to begin with.”

            She smiled and grasped my hand.

            “We’re going to work on a little something, okay, Kaz?” she said. “We’re going to try and stop using sentences that leave room for doubt that you’re a girl. You are a girl. You’re my girlfriend. You aren’t considered a girl. You are one.”

            Sugu plopped down on the other side of me and pulled me into a sideways hug.

            “Yeah, Asuna’s right,” she said. “You’re my big sister. And we won’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”

            “Leafa, please don’t start fights with strangers,” Asuna pleaded.

            She gave me a wink, ignoring Asuna’s request.

            “I’ll give anyone who insults my sister a harsh lesson from the business end of my shinai.”

            I leaned my head against hers.

            “Thanks, Sugu.”

            She hummed for a moment and then sat upright, glancing between the two of us.

            “Wait, are you two still…you called her ‘babe’ earlier, didn’t you, Asuna?” she asked.

            Asuna nodded.

            “Yes, we’re still together,” she said, leaning over to give me a kiss for emphasis. “I’m not bothered with how Kirito chooses to express herself. I fell in love with her for her, not for her body or her gender presentation.”

            Sugu let an “awwwe” slip out of her mouth.

            “Besides, who would give this girl up?” Asuna said, touching her nose against mine. “Certainly not me! I know a good catch when I’ve got one!”

            I felt my cheeks start to burn.

            “Awe, Kaz, don’t blush,” she said. “We’ve been dating for two years now, you don’t need to be embarrassed when I flirt with you.”

            “I…I just…” I stammered.

            Both girls gazed at me expectantly. I turned my eyes down towards my feet, choosing to stare at the new layer of nail polish drying on my toes.

            “I’m very grateful to you for still loving me,” I said. “Both of you. For accepting me as a girlfriend and as a sister, when you’re so used to thinking I’m a boyfriend and a brother. It makes me so…”

            I stopped talking when I realized there were tears rolling down my cheeks. Asuna and Sugu pulled me into a group hug.

            “You’re important to us, big sister,” Sugu said. “It’s our job as your family to respect you and who you are. If you’re a girl who loves another girl, that’s who you are. And it won’t change the fact that you’re my big sister and I love you. Okay?”

            I nodded, unable to say anything else.

            “Kirito, you trusted me with your heart,” Asuna said. “And that’s a brave thing to do on its own, but then you came to me scared that I’d give it back when you came out to me. I can’t imagine how scary that must have been for you. I’m here to support you. You’ve given me something very precious—your love. And I’m grateful for you, too. For giving me that love.”

            She reached up and brushed the tears off of my cheeks.

            “We’re here for you. Always.”

            The two girls then hopped to their feet and pulled me up as well.

            “Now!” Sugu said.

            “Let’s go shopping!” Asuna said excitedly.

            I smiled at them—the two most important girls in my life. My girlfriend and my sister. Both kind, loving allies. Wiping away my tears of joy, I graced them with the biggest smile I could manage.

            “Yes, let’s!” I said.

Chapter Text

            This shopping trip was my second time leaving the house while trying to pass. Asuna and Sugu helped me get the wig on straight so that it wasn’t obvious I was wearing a wig. As for my clothing, Asuna let me borrow some of her since we were closer in size than me and Sugu. She ended up quickly shaving the bottom of my legs and told me she’d show me properly how to shave later. I was also placed in a sports bra (in case the shirt slipped on my shoulder), a long enough shirt that would hopefully keep people from glancing between my legs, and, of course, the light layer of makeup Asuna applied earlier.

            I twiddled with a lock of wig hair with one hand and grasped Asuna’s hand tightly with the other. We were taking the bus to go shopping, so it was full of strangers. I subconsciously wondered if the people glancing at me thought “girl” when they caught a glimpse of me. Asuna squeezed my fingers.

            “Relax,” she said. “No one’s staring.”

            “I’m staring,” Sugu joked. “Nasty lovebirds. Touching each other.”

            Asuna gave her a pointed glare to tell her to cut it out. In my tense state I wasn’t as worried about people realizing Asuna and I were two girls dating, but that was just as much of a concern as passing was. In a way, society had two reasons to ostracize me. This activity required a lot of guts. I found myself slightly more relieved when we got off of the bus and was whisked along into a clothing store.

            “Ooooh, this is going to be so exciting!” Sugu said.

            She lowered her voice, grasped one of my hands, and grinned up at me, practically beaming.

            “I get to go shopping with my big sister!”

            The worries about passing and not offending society melted in an instant. I let her drag me into the store, dashing over to the women’s section without a second thought. Sugu’s warm acceptance made my fears seem smaller. Asuna laughed and hurried after us.

            “Alright, we have to get a feel for what Kaz’s sense of fashion is!” Sugu announced.

            Asuna pulled a few shirts off of the clothing racks and started holding them up to me.

            “First thing’s first, Leafa-chan!” she said. “What colors are her best colors?”

            She hummed and tilted her head.

            “Maybe it’s a bias, but darker colors look better because of your eyes,” Asuna said. “Do you want to try some skirts and dresses, too?”

            “I…I can do that?” I asked.

            Both girls burst into giggles.

            “Look at her eyes sparkling!”

            “That’s definitely a yes!”

            And so, thus commenced a magical experience I’d only ever heard about before. Was everything we picked off of a shelf something we were going to buy? Absolutely not. But the principle of it was to try things on and see how they looked. We gathered up so many clothing items it looked like it might be a problem for the attendant. Asuna and Sugu then took me into the changing room to let the truly fun part of this experience begin. My sister agreed to wait outside while Asuna helped me learn how to put on certain things.

            “Okay, so, obviously we’ll get you some proper makeshift breasts, but this is about the bra size that would look right for your body type,” she said, holding up a bra for me to see the sizing label. “I’ve grabbed two types of bras to show you how they go on, but with a regular back-fastening bra, you can do this little trick…”

            She wrapped the bra around my torso backwards and motioned buckling it in the front.

            “Then, when it’s buckled, you twist it around and pull the straps over your shoulders,” she said. “This other bra is supposed to clasp in the front. I’m not a big fan of these, but if you like them, by all means. Here, you try it.”

            Asuna handed me the bra she’d been demonstrating with and smiled. I awkwardly did as she’d instructed, wrapping it around my torso backwards and then buckling it in front. I twisted it around to the front and frowned as I went about figuring out how to slip my arms into the straps. When it was on properly, Asuna removed a couple of water balloons from her purse.

            “Okay, so I did some online digging and I don’t know how comfortable this will be, but it’ll work for trying on clothing,” she said. “It’s best to account for bust size when trying on shirts and dresses.”

            She paused and glanced from the bra to my face.

            “Um, do you want me to…or…would you rather do it yourself?” she asked. “I don’t know if it would be weird for your girlfriend to—are…are you crying?”

            I gave her a tight hug before she could confirm that.

            “I…I’m just…you researched?” I stammered.

            She nodded.

            “Of course, I did!” she said. “When my girlfriend came out to me, I didn’t want to just be ignorant and offensive to her! I’m here to help you any way I can!”

            I let go of her and nodded.

            “Thank you,” I said.

            “Now, let’s slip these in your bra and see how some of these outfits look on you!” Asuna said.

            She handed me the water balloons and turned to pick out which outfit I should test out first. It felt weird, at first, to have something that wasn’t myself in the bra, but I told myself that with a shirt or dress covering up that area, it would stop bothering me. Asuna opted to hand me a shirt and skirt combination first. She said if I felt too weird stepping out to show Sugu since I hadn’t completely shaved my legs, she’d grabbed a pair of leggings I could wear under the skirts and dresses. I thanked her and decided that would be more comfortable until I dealt with the leg hair.

            After I pulled everything on, Asuna fussed with it to make sure it sat on me right with no wrinkles. I stared at myself in the mirror, wide-eyed. A purple top that matched the nail polish I’d put on earlier was matched with a contrasting white skirt. I turned my body sideways to glance at it with the extra padding. Sure enough, the trick made it convincingly look like I had breasts.

            “Hey, that looks cute!” Asuna said.

            She patted my shoulder.

            “Go show Leafa!” she said.

            “What?”

            “Go show her!” she insisted. “Trust me!”

            I opened the stall door and stepped outside. Sugu was sitting on a bench seat in the center of the dressing rooms. Asuna walked out behind me and started gesturing excitedly to what I was wearing. I glanced down at the outfit and then back up to Sugu.

            “So, um, how do I look?” I asked.

            Sugu pressed her palms together in front of her nose.

            “That color really does look good on you, big sister,” she said. “Also, you look super cute in that skirt. Do a spin!”

            “A-a spin?” I repeated.

            She nodded.

            “Be a model!” she said. “Strike a pose! Have fun with it!”

            Asuna laughed.

            “Watch, I’ll show you,” she said.

            She picked up a few clothing items and disappeared into the dressing room. She returned moments later, sporting a red blouse that cut down as a v-neck with a pair of off-white knickers. Smiling, she posed a few times, as if imagining a cameraman was in front of her to capture her signature look. Sugu jumped in and started taking pictures with her phone.

            Asuna then held her hand out to me, waving for me to do the same. At first, I nervously posed a few times, but by the fourth or fifth pose, I felt more comfortable and even dared to flip my wig hair. Luckily, I didn’t yank it off of my head when I did that. Asuna jumped in and started posing with me.

            “Ya’ll are cute, but I want a chance to pose with big sister!” Sugu said. “Kaz, go get a new outfit! I’m gonna try on this green summer dress! We can pose together, too!”

            She disappeared into a second stall giggling excitedly. Asuna steered me back into ours and helped me keep the wig on my head while I took off the first outfit. As I was pulling the skirt off, Asuna turned to me, holding up a sleek black dress and a red dress that she’d picked out to try on herself.

            “How about our old colors?” she asked, smiling. “If you think you’re ready to try a dress, that is. I won’t pressure you into putting on something outside of your comfort zone.”

            I took the dress in my hands and nodded.

            “No, let’s try our old colors,” I said. “And Sugu’s doing green for Leafa. We should make sure to get all three of us in a few photos, don’t you think? It’ll make everyone else laugh if they see we coordinated with our avatars.”

            I stopped and covered my mouth. Sinon knew I was a girl; I’d come out to her first, since she’d been the first person I’d thought to tell. Even now I couldn’t explain that, but I was glad she was accepting. Lisbeth, Silica, Klein, Agil, and Yui, however, didn’t know yet. And here I was proposing we share pictures of me in a dress with a wig and a stuffed bra to them.

            “Hey, we can show them after you’ve safely and comfortably come out to them,” Asuna reassured me, rubbing my arm.

            I nodded.

            “Right,” I said. “I want them to know that the Kirito in the picture is the real one, not just a joke for the sake of having a laugh. Do you think I should tell them before or after I change my avatar in ALO?”

            “If you’re worried they’ll use some unkind or uneducated words if you show them a picture we took today, I suspect the same risk exists within ALO,” she said. “In the end, it is up to you and what you think your dysphoria can handle, but consider the same argument when making your decision.”

            Her words made sense. Their impression of me would be about the same online as it would be in the flesh. I had to weigh my options. But now wasn’t the time to weight them; Asuna was already speedily donning the red dress. I pulled the black dress off of the hanger and stepped into it. I reached behind myself, trying to grab the zipper.

            “In a lot of cases, having another girl around for help is still important,” Asuna told me, reaching over and pulling the zipper up for me.

            She turned and showed me her back.

            “Would you mind helping me, too?” she asked.

            I nodded, eager to be useful. I pulled her zipper up and caught myself staring a little too much when she turned back around. She blushed and averted her gaze.

            “Kaz, you’re embarrassing me!”

            “You look astonishing in red, as always,” I said.

            She blushed even harder.

            “W-well, you look just as beautiful in black!” she countered.

            Now, it was my turn to blush.

            “If you two are done flirting in there, come on out so I can seeee!” Sugu called. “I wanna take some more cute pictures of the three of us!”

            Asuna and I shared a look and she left the room before I did. Sugu gave a gasp and immediately started complimenting her. I stepped out and finally got to see the green dress on Sugu. She looked stunning. It perfectly complemented her eyes. I grinned.

            “Wow, Sugu, you look amazing,” I said.

            She did a little dance in place.

            “And you look gorgeous, as well!”

            “This calls for a selfie!” Asuna exclaimed.

            She jumped in between myself and Sugu and we all leaned in for the picture. Of course, afterwards we made sure to get full-body shots of the dresses. Our little fashion show went on for a few hours before we finally settled on which outfits to buy. After we checked everything out, I slipped back into the dressing room to put a newly purchased bra on and readjust the makeshift breast forms.

            “All ready to hit up our next stop?” Asuna asked.

            I gave her an excited nod.

            “Shoe time!” Sugu exclaimed.

Chapter Text

            “You think mom would say something if I grew my hair out?” I asked, frowning at myself in the mirror.

            Sugu glanced over at me and hummed.

            “Well, I doubt she’d think anything of it,” she said. “Is the wig just not to your liking?”

            I ran my fingers through the wig. It certainly helped. I felt prettier with long hair—gazing at it in the mirror made me realize that my boyish haircut wasn’t going to suit my fancy any longer. At least, right now it wouldn’t. The wig was a quick way to achieve that look, but at the end of the day I still knew it was fake.

            “The wig’s fine, but…I want it to be my hair,” I said.

            Whirling around to her, I changed the subject.

            “I have an important question.”

            Sugu raised her eyebrows. Awkwardly, I glanced down at my legs. She covered her mouth.

            “Big sister, please don’t tell me you attempted to shave without proper guidance,” she said, starting to giggle.

            “I-it’s not funny! I nicked myself in a few spots!”

            She burst into good-natured laughter. In the process, she picked up her phone and started typing. I marched over to her and started ruffling her hair. She swatted at me, still laughing.

            “Cut it out!” she said. “I’m trying to get your girlfriend to come help you, dummy!”

            I turned and slumped down into the chair next to her. She typed out her “SOS Kaz” to Asuna, all the while casting me facetious looks and snickering. When she finished up the text conversation, she turned to me and patted her leg.

            “Put your leg up here, what’s the damage?” she said.

            Sighing, I propped my right foot up on her lap. She rolled up my sweatpants to look at my leg. Not only had I given up far enough in that my leg was still gross and hairy, but the base of my leg had a few bandages on it from where I’d managed to cut myself on accident. She shook her head and sighed.

            “What am I going to do with you?” she said.

            I jutted my lower lip out, pouting.

            “Asuna will be over soon, and then she can take care of your hair problem,” she teased.

            I tilted my head to the side.

            “What?” she asked.

            “What’s so wrong about you showing me?” I asked.

            She quickly bit her lip.

            “I didn’t want to say it, because I don’t know if this is rude or not, but, big sister, it’d still be a bit weird for me to see you naked,” she said.

            I jumped to my feet and waved my hands frantically.

            “No, no, no! You can’t shave…like…with clothes on?”

            Sugu blinked up at me.

            “Well…I guess…I hadn’t…thought…about that…” she stammered. “I always shave when I’m in the bath. Especially in the summer. I have to shave up…you know.”

            I could feel my embarrassment sinking in already. Not because of what she’d said—but because I thought about shaving myself in a similar area. Dysphoria topped with lots of cuts in a very awkward place? No thanks. Not ready for that step. I shook my head, trying to think of something else when the doorbell rang.

            “That must be the knight come to save her damsel in distress!” Sugu said overdramatically.

            “Shut up!” I said.

            I hurried past her to the door and opened it up. Asuna was standing there shaking her head at me and smiling. I let out a nervous laugh and scratched the back of my head. Asuna greeted me with a kiss.

            “It appears I’ve been called for a shaving lesson,” she said, raising one eyebrow.

            Another nervous laugh.

            “Well. At least before my mom gets home.”

            She nodded.

            “Ah, then don’t be shy, Kirito-chan!” she exclaimed.

            She grasped me by the shoulders, turned me around, and steered me towards the bathroom. When we passed Sugu, she waved at her. Sugu waved back.

            “Good luck!” she said. “Please clean out the bath when you’re done…she didn’t get nearly as far as you would hope.”

            Asuna just chuckled as she closed the door behind us. She immediately started to fill up the bath, pulled some things out of her purse, and turned back around to me. I fidgeted with my shirt, realizing she’d be expecting me to strip down. When she saw that I wasn’t, she pulled off her own clothes, wrapped herself in a towel, and reached over to help me take the wig off.

            “Don’t want that wet, now do we?” she said, smiling. “Babe, I’ve seen you naked before. It does not change how I view you, okay? You’re still my girlfriend. But if it makes you more comfortable, go ahead and wrap up in a towel. And let me know if you don’t want me looking.”

            I nodded.

            “I…I think I’ll be okay,” I said.

            “Just let me know and we’ll do things at your pace, okay?” she said. “Now that we’ve identified your discomforts with dysphoria, it’s much easier to just say what’s too much for you to handle. So, if nothing else, we need those legs bare. Show me the damage.”

            I sighed and stripped off my clothing. Asuna frowned down at the spots around my ankles. She gently pulled the bandages off and hummed.

            “Well, you didn’t get yourself any worse than I’ve done,” she said. “Okay, I think the water should be good enough. I brought some shaving cream and a razor for each of us, because I’m going to show you how to tackle this through demonstration. I’ll take one leg and you take the other, alright?”

            “R-right,” I said, nodding.

            I situated myself into the bath and she had me prop my left leg up for her. She took the shaving cream and razor and showed me how to shave my hair up to the knee. Asuna then had me switch legs and told me to try. I took it slow, following her example. This time, I didn’t nick myself quite so much. She told me that if I wanted to wear shorts, that I should shave up to the spot where the shorts ended, for now avoiding shaving anywhere too weird unless it made me dysphoric. I slowly finished up shaving and rinsed myself off, making sure to clean out the tub as well.

            When I got out, I did as Asuna had suggested and put some shorts on just to see. Since my mom wouldn’t be home until way later tonight, I went ahead and completely dressed up. I pulled out an outfit I thought was cute, slipped on a bra and the breast forms, and topped it all off with the wig. I went out to the dining room where Asuna and Sugu were and patted my legs just above the knees.

            “All smooth!” I said.

            “Big sister, you’re such a doofus,” Sugu said, snorting.

            “Look at you, dressed all cute!” Asuna said.

            I felt heat in my cheeks and cowered a little bit. Asuna came over and wrapped her arms around me, leaning forward to give me a kiss.

            “Don’t be bashful, you’re beautiful,” she said. “What were your plans for today?”

            Sugu and I shared a glance.

            “I’m gonna tell the others.”

            Asuna blinked at me, surprised.

            “Wow, that’s brave of you,” she said, giving me a smile. “What prompted this?”

            I twiddled my fingers.

            “Promise you won’t laugh?”

            She nodded.

            “Of course!”

            Sugu started to snicker.

            “I got very carried away and made an account with my proper gender and spent so much time excitedly grinding that I got a really nice piece of equipment that makes for a really killer combo when I use skill connect with it and Excalibur and I might have transferred Excalibur over to the new Kirito avatar and deleted...the…old one…”

            My sister stopped fighting her laughter. Asuna pursed her lips and tried her best not to giggle. I pouted a little bit.

            “Awe, come on, you said you wouldn’t laugh!” I said.

            Asuna shook her head.

            “No, no, I’m sorry, I just,” she said. “I just find it absolutely adorable that you’re excited over a video game find. It reminds me of your excitement over quest rewards and loot finds back in SAO.”

            I buried my face in my hands.

            “Oh my god, you embarrassed her!” Sugu giggled.

            “So, how do you plan on coming out to everyone?” Asuna asked.

            I pulled my hands down.

            “Well, I’ve asked everyone to meet up at Dicey Café,” I said. “I want to do this in person and not online. I’d like you to come, too. In a sense, it’s kind of also your chance to come out. But you don’t have to if you don’t want them to know you’re dating another girl, yet.”

            Asuna shook her head, and then reached over and grasped my hand.

            “We’ll come out together, okay?” she said.

            “You’re sure?” I asked.

            She nodded.

            “If our friends can’t accept that we’re two girls in love, then they aren’t really friends, are they?” she asked.

            “You’re right,” I said. “And Sinon already knows…”

            “That’s right.”

            Sugu hopped out of her chair and grinned at the both of us.

            “Shall we head over, then?” she asked us. “We’ve got a celebration to get to!”

            I tilted my head.

            “A celebration of what?” I asked.

            “Don’t be silly, big sister!” she said. “A celebration of you expressing who you really are. Isn’t it enough just to celebrate the freedom you have to be called big sister and girlfriend?”

            I pulled her into a hug and nodded.

            “Yeah, it absolutely is,” I said. “Let’s go celebrate, then.”

Chapter Text

            As much as I wanted to just rip the band-aid off and tell everyone to please use my proper pronouns, I found my feet strangely cemented to the ground standing in front of the door to Dicey Café. I swallowed and gripped Asuna’s hand tighter. She moved in front of me and started messing with my wig and shirt.

            “You gonna be okay?” she asked.

            I bit my lip.

            “I’m a little scared,” I admitted.

            She nodded and gave me a small smile.

            “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” she told me. “You come out when you’re ready. Even if you have to make excuses for why your new avatar is female, I’m right behind you with whenever you choose to come out.”

            I drew in a breath.

            “I mean, she got a really nice sword with really good stats—” I said, trying to distract myself.

            Asuna giggled.

            “There she is!”

            I jumped a little and turned around to see Shino walking up to us. She smiled at me.

            “Look at you!” she said. “You look really cute today!”

            My brain didn’t know how to register this compliment coming from Shino. Normally she came across as rather irritated with me, but at least for the moment she was being pleasant. It wouldn’t be too long before I got a jab of some sort from her; I was certain of that.  I dipped my head awkwardly.

            “Thank you!” I said.

            “Weird question, though,” she said. “How exactly are you…?”

            She trailed off and made a motion that indicated my chest. The question was unintentionally rude, but I didn’t know if I could blame her for wondering. I mean, I’d first tried newspapers. Asuna stepped between us.

            “Shinonon, it’s probably best not to ask,” she said. “Let’s not call attention to them. I think it looks very natural, don’t you, Leafa?”

            Sugu jerked her head up, clearly not wanting to be dragged into the “let’s discuss the fake boobs” conversation. She nodded her head, albeit with a look of irritation, and let out a confused laugh.

            “Yeah, you look good, big sis,” she said. “Shall we go inside?”

            I hurriedly agreed, ready to be done with the discussion just as much as Sugu was. I gave Asuna one last hopeful smile and then followed my sister into the café. Asuna had to push me forward gently when I stopped short because obviously Agil was already in there. He looked up to greet us and almost dropped the glass he was cleaning. Even more to my shock, Klein was sitting at the bar and had turned around. His mouth dropped open in shock.

            “K-Kirito?” Klein asked, almost as if he wasn’t sure.

            Without missing a beat, I stared down at the floor and grasped the edges of my shirt. I should have taken more time to rehearse how I was going to do this. I felt Asuna place her hand on my shoulder. Taking a breath, I turned my head to look at her. I gave her a slight nod, using my eyes to plead with her to help me out. She smiled and nodded back.

            “Kirito came out here today to tell everyone something very important,” Asuna said, reaching over to rub my back. “Didn’t you?”

            She waited patiently for me to nod.

            “It’s okay,” she said quietly. “I’m right here.”

            I lifted my head up. I didn’t quite make eye contact with either of the two men, but I made sure I held my head up as I spoke.

            “I-I’d like for you to use the pronouns she and her with me from now on,” I said, trying my best not to mumble. “B-because I’m a girl!”

            Oh, that didn’t come out right. It was what I meant, but it didn’t sound good at all after I said it. I covered my face with my hands, feeling my face burn with embarrassment. Asuna giggled and pulled me into a hug.

            “That’s right,” she said, using her best reassuring voice. “Kirito-chan’s not my boyfriend; she’s my girlfriend.”

            When I dared to peek through my eyes, I first saw Agil. He was smiling at me almost like he was proud. I dropped my hands. Klein looked mostly confused. He turned to Agil for help, but Agil kept directing his gaze towards me. I pressed one hand over my heart.

            “I’m glad for you, young lady,” he said.

            That was all it took for me to cover my mouth with my hands and try to hold back the inevitable sob. He just smiled when Asuna and Sugu wrapped their arms around me, laughing good-naturedly.

            “Awe, big sis, you’re going to make your makeup run if you cry!” Sugu said.

            I pulled my hands off of my face.

            “Oh god!” I exclaimed.

            Asuna laughed.

            “Kaz, it’s okay, we can reapply some in the bathroom if you want,” she said.

            “I’m not crying!” I exclaimed. “I’m not!”

            In unison, Asuna, Sugu, and Sinon started laughing. I managed to keep my tears in check to save my makeup, but in turn I had to be making the weirdest face ever. I quickly attempted to rectify my facial expression, just in time for the door behind us to open, revealing the other two members of our party. I practically jumped at the sound of the door and whirled around. Both girls stopped in their tracks.

            “Um…is…is that Kirito in a wig?” Rika asked.

            Keiko gasped.

            “Lis, don’t just say that!” she said.

            “Look, I’m just asking!” she said. “On a list of things I thought I’d be seeing today, Kirito in a wig was not…hold up. It’s not just a wig. It’s a whole getup. Kirito, what are you…what are you wearing?”

            My desire to explain was quickly overtaken by a defensive instinct.

            “A cute outfit!” I said.

            I heard Klein choke on his drink behind me. He clearly wasn’t prepared to hear that come out of my mouth. Rika pursed her lips, crossed her arms, and started looking me up and down. Her eyebrows knit in frustration as she surveyed me. I felt like I was being sized up. Finally, her face relaxed into a smile.

            “I can’t argue that, it’s a really cute outfit,” she said. “But seriously, what’s going on?”

            This time, I felt a little more relaxed. I flashed Rika and Keiko a smile, clasped my hands behind my back, and gave a little bow.

            “It’s my coming out day!” I said. “Allow me to reintroduce myself.”

            Rika and Keiko both blinked at me as I pushed some of my wig hair behind my shoulder.

            “My name is Kirigaya Kaz! I’m Sugu’s big sister!”

            “Sis…ter…” Keiko repeated.

            Sugu and Asuna nodded approvingly.

            “That’s right!” Sugu said. “Kirito’s my big sister!”

            Rika turned to Asuna and pointed between the two of us. For lack of a better explanation in words, Asuna simply nodded. She grasped my hand and grinned. I thought about kissing her for a moment, but that might be awkward. Fortunately, she did the thinking for me and turned to make a point of it by pressing her lips into mine. The group let out a few gasps.

            “I’m very proud of my girlfriend for accepting herself for who she is,” Asuna said. “And I want you all to accept us just like you did before.”
            There was an awkward air of silence. I wondered if my approach might be too bold. I started to twiddle with the bottom of my shirt. Keiko walked up to me and took my hands away from the fabric to hold them. She looked up at me and gave me a warm smile.

            “I…I think we should do something to celebrate!” she said.

            “What do you mean?” Shino asked.

            Keiko danced in place a little, turning her head to the floor to avoid eye contact as she spoke.

            “Like…like we should throw a sleepover!” she said. “Kaz-chan hasn’t ever had a girls’ night before!”

            “Ooh…good idea!” Sugu said.

            The other girls nodded, smiling at one another. Then suddenly, they burst into chatter. Everyone was comparing schedules and working out a good time for everyone to gather and have a slumber party. It was decided that it was most logical to hold it at me and Sugu’s house, since our mother knew they were both of our friends. Nothing would seem suspicious, plus, our mom didn’t usually get back until late, so the likelihood of her walking in and outing me via circumstance was relatively low.

            That being said, I was immediately roped into shopping for some cute pajamas for the occasion. “A must!” the others insisted. Agil laughed and wished us well on our hunt for good sleepover P.J.s. Klein, I think, was still a bit in shock at the revelation that the beta tester who he met in SAO was actually a girl. I’d give him some time to adjust his brain. Hopefully, it wouldn’t take too long.

            Oh, by the way—the winning pajamas were purple with little penguins on them.

Chapter Text

            Asuna held my wig in her hands and frowned at me. I slipped the wig cap over my hair and discovered that I’d missed a few strands. I grumbled and pulled the cap back off of my head again. I’d been letting my hair grow out longer, since I wanted to go without a wig as soon as possible, but it still gnawed at my dysphoria to have short, boyish hair. Both Asuna and Keiko had told me short hair was fine on a girl, but I think I associated that short hair with an unwanted male image of myself. I asked that they respect my wishes to wear the wig until my hair was longer; they didn’t pose any issues with that.

            “Your hair’s getting just long enough where it’s irritating to get in the cap, isn’t it?” Asuna commented.

            I nodded. I pulled a few bobby pins out of my mouth and started aggressively shoving them into my hair to hold it in place. I put my hands out to the sides dramatically, snatched up the wig cap once more, and carefully placed it on my head. I then took the wig from Asuna and set it on my head. She lifted up the hair so that I could get the strap buckled.

            “Are you going to be comfy in this all night?” she asked. “I’ve never slept in a wig before.”

            I raised an eyebrow.

            “You’ve worn a wig before?” I said.

            She blushed a little.

            “I asked you a question!” she said, flustered.

            I chuckled.

            “I think I’ll be okay,” I said. “I doubt I’ll sleep in it. And I guess since everyone’s up to speed on my pronouns, it shouldn’t cause too much of a problem, right?”

            For that, I just got a funny look.

            “I’m excited, though,” I said.

            Asuna wrapped her arms around me. She was radiating happiness. I’m sure I was, too. My first sleepover with other girls! Seventeen wasn’t too late to start, I supposed.

            “Do you think I should…?” I ended up trailing off, answering my own question in my head.

            I probably shouldn’t lay down with the breast forms in my bra. Something would fall out and that would be humiliating. That, and I didn’t want to ask a room full of cis girls who were getting used to me being a trans girl how they lay down on their fronts. Maybe I’d ask Asuna that later…privately.

            Asuna tilted her head at me. I shook mine and waved my hands, dismissing my unverbalized question. I turned around to her and smoothed out my pajama shirt.

            “Does it look okay without boobs?” I asked. “Oh, that sounds weird. I mean, like…”

            Asuna patted my shoulder.

            “Passing isn’t 100% in the boobs,” she said, trying not to laugh. “You look fine. Trust me. And you’re going to be with friends all night. None of us are going to misgender you. Try to think about the nice things for tonight!”

            I bit my lip, but I nodded. It was easy for her to say. She didn’t have dysphoria. I hadn’t tried out being in a group of friends yet. I’d only been out in public trying to pass to strangers. In theory, being around people who accept me for who I am should mean I’m more comfortable, but these were girls who’d seen me as a guy for two to three years now.

            “Oh!” Asuna gasped, glancing down at her phone. “Shino-non’s here!”

            She dashed out to get the door. I scrambled after her.

            “Don’t answer my front door!” I called out.

            We ended up dashing past Sugu, who’d slipped into her pajamas as well. I caught up to Asuna as she took the liberty of opening the door. Shino smiled and stepped in, waving at me and Sugu. My sister reached over and pulled some of the wig’s hair out of my face, acting like a mother fussing over her messy child.

            “Uhhh…Kirito…your sleeve’s slipped down your shoulder,” Shino said.

            I glanced at my left and then my right sleeve. Sure enough, the right sleep was slipping down my shoulder, revealing my bra-strap. I hurriedly covered that back up. Shino asked where she could change into her night clothes. Sugu took the liberty of directing people, since Keiko and Rika were headed towards the front door. Asuna and I hung around to greet them and then show them to the bathroom area to change as well.

            With everyone slipped into their pajamas, we convened in the living area with sleeping bags and several tote bags filled with mystery items. The goal of organizing all of this was to introduce me to a girl’s night. According to Keiko, this was a flexible idea, but she’d gotten everyone to bring a little something they thought was a must-have for a slumber party.

            “Hey, I brought some facial stuff,” Rika said, smirking over at me. “Ahhh, this is almost like getting a little sister! Kirito, let me do your face!”

            “Is ‘Kirito’ still okay?” Shino asked. “I know you said for your real name you were going by ‘Kaz’ now, but are you changing your online name as well?”

            I tilted my head and hummed. I didn’t really feel much of an issue with the name Kirito. I know that somewhere along the line, my GGO avatar had been dubbed ‘Kiriko,’ but I didn’t make that name up for myself, so I didn’t feel a connection to it in the same way that I did with my usual name. I just shrugged.

            “I’m chill with Kirito,” I said.

            “Come on, lemme do your face!” Rika said, pulling the discussion back towards that.

            Asuna nodded enthusiastically.

            “Yes, let’s do her face!” she said.

            Before I could even provide an answer (or any important follow-up questions), the others had me reclining on a bunch of pillows as they went about orchestrating a facial—and someone decided to attack my hands with a manicure, too. Something told me they were a bit too eager to play doll with me.

            “Is this really what you do at sleepovers?” I asked.

            Keiko nodded.

            “Some people,” she said. “If you want, you can help give us facials and manicures, too! It’s part of the fun! We all do each other!”

            I wanted to protest, since I’d never done a facial or a manicure before, but I got roped into doing it anyways. Everyone was patient with me, showing me how to do certain things. Asuna opted to be the one I worked on. Sugu said she didn’t want me messing up her beautiful face—to which I teased back that I was definitely the prettier sister. That got a spit take out of Rika. I’m quite proud of that.

            We took a few selfies with all of our masks still on our faces. Keiko caught me slipping the cucumber slices in my mouth instead of putting them on my eyes like she’d told me to. She took back the slices I hadn’t eaten and stuck two of them on my eyes, telling me to behave. Shino commented that I couldn’t behave—it was apparently in my nature to act up.

            Next on the list was “watching a chick flick.” I’d never really watched too many chick flicks before, but they decided on showing me something that wasn’t a chick flick per se, but had similar elements. The selection was Keiko’s prized DVD collection of Kimi ni Todoke. Sugu pointed out that a chick flick was a singular movie and not a shoujo anime, but Keiko insisted this was what we’d watch. No one else had any objections. I do think by the end of season one, we all agreed we’d marry Kazehaya in a heartbeat.

            “How do you even find someone that sweet and good in this world?” Sugu asked. “I mean, gosh, men can be so rude.”

            Rika smirked.

            “Are you sure you don’t want to give Shinichi-kun a chance?” she jabbed.

            Sugu rolled her eyes.

            “Absolutely not.”

            Keiko made her way over to me and looked up at me with sparkling eyes. I blinked at her. She pointed at my wig hair and then twiddled her thumbs. Her face dimmed a little with uncertainty. I shifted to face her more. She took a breath.

            “I…I was wondering if it was okay to braid your wig…I don’t know if you can do that with wigs…” she said.

            I nodded.
            “If you want to,” I said. “It’ll be fine. Just don’t tug too hard. It might slide off.”

            “Okay!” she said, lighting back up.

            She quickly positioned herself behind me and started to play with my wig hair. I found myself wondering what it might feel like to have my own hair braided. Shino cocked her head and glanced over at me.

            “Everything okay, Kaz?” she asked.

            I must have been making a face while I thought about that. I tried my best to rectify that face and give her a smile.

            “Sorry, I was just thinking…” I said.

            “About what?” Rika asked.

            She leaned in a little closer.

            “I…I just…I wish Silica was…braiding my hair.”

            Asuna smiled and placed her hand on top of mine. I gave her a small smile back. Sugu looked over at me and gave me a stupid grin.

            “Hey, don’t fret, big sis!” she said. “You’re growing your hair out now. Once it’s long enough, we’ll definitely get to work on braiding!”

            Keiko made sure to add her own commentary, too.

            “Yeah! I’ll braid your hair again when it’s longer!” she said.

            I opened my mouth to say something, but I heard the front door close. I hadn’t heard it open. I clamped a hand over my mouth. I’d been trying to change how my voice sounded around people I was out to. My parents weren’t among that group. I didn’t want the person who’d entered, presumably my mother, to hear me throwing my voice like that. Then again, I had a lot more to worry about than just her hearing my voice.

            “Oh, Suguha, I didn’t know you had friends over.”

            I couldn’t see my mother, but I knew that was her voice. She was behind me. Of the faces I could see, a lot of them looked immediately stressed. Asuna seemed especially paranoid. Sugu shifted in place awkwardly and then finally nodded.

            “Um…yeah. We’re just. We just finished watching a show.”

            Mom hummed.

            “Try not to disturb your brother,” she said. “He’s probably sleeping.”

            Unable to help herself, Rika glanced down at me and tried not to laugh. I think what was funny to her wasn’t the fact that this situation was awkward, but more so the fact that my mother thought I was upstairs sleeping when I was in reality right in front of her. From behind, with the wig on, she clearly couldn’t tell it was me.

            “Would you mind introducing me?” mom asked.

            I felt my stomach sink. I wanted her to leave the room. Sugu bit her lip, but obliged.

            “Oh, this right here’s Shinozaki Rika,” she said, pointing. “You know Asuna. This is Asada Shino. With the pigtails is Ayano Keiko. They’re all SAO survivors like Asuna and…”

            Sugu trailed off. She didn’t want to call me her brother, which I was grateful for, but at the same time, she didn’t want to just out me to mom. She briefly met my gaze, swallowed and then turned back to our mother. I could practically feel my mom staring down at the top of my head.

            “You missed one,” she said. “Keiko, dear, who’s hair are you doing?”

            I felt my face flush red with embarrassment and my chest tighten up in panic. I uncovered my mouth and hoped I was better at throwing my voice than dysphoria told me I was. I saw Sugu’s eyes widen, as if to tell me that this was a terrible idea. I didn’t care. I needed an excuse to escape.

            “U-um, excuse me for a moment!” I exclaimed.

            My voice cracked a little. I bolted upright, standing up.

            “K…Kazuto?” mom stammered.

            Crap.

            My body shifted into flight mode. I dashed up the stairs and closed myself up in my room. I pressed my back up against the door. My heart was racing in my chest. She’d seen. She’d heard. She’d known it was me. The doorknob rattled. I felt the pressure of the door being pushed on. Tears started to well up in my eyes.

            “Kazuto, can we talk for a minute, hun?”

            I shook my head, even though she couldn’t see me.

            “Leave me alone!” I cried.

            But I didn’t have the energy to fight. I slumped down on the floor and curled forward, sobbing. Mom was able to open the door just enough to squeeze herself into my room. She shut the door behind herself and crouched down. She brushed some of the wig hair out of my face. I instinctively put my hands up to hide my eyes. She grasped my wrists and pulled them down.

            “Don’t hide from me,” she said.

            Her voice was firm, but she didn’t sound mad.

            “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

            I tensed up.

            “Hey, hey…don’t be like that,” she said. “Clearly you aren’t doing this as a joke. So, I just want you to be honest with me. I want to help. But I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong, alright?”

            I curled my hands up into fists on my knees. I could only hope that she meant she’d be accepting when I told her the truth. My biggest fear in the moment was that she just thought this was another way of me trying to work through the trauma of the SAO Incident. I didn’t want her to think of this as that. This was different. This had nothing to do with SAO. It just had everything to do with me.

            I drew in a long, deep breath and tried to control my sobbing. I couldn’t tell her anything if I was crying the whole time. My limbs still shook as I thought about what I was about to say. I tried to meet her gaze. She was a good mother; she still deserved respect. But she could never understand how scary this moment was.

            “Mom…I…I’m…transgender,” I stammered.

            Holding my breath, I waited. She seemed to be thinking. She adjusted herself so that she was just sitting next to me instead of crouching down.

            “Okay,” she said. “I have a general idea of what that means. That means you’re a girl, right?”

            I nodded.

            “Yes…yes…I’m a girl…” I said.

            Did I say it for her…or for me?

            “Did you not like it when I called you Kazuto?” she asked. “Does that bother you?”

            I nodded again.

            “I’ve…I’ve been going by Kaz…to Asuna…and Sugu…and the others…”

            She smiled softly and pulled me into a sideways hug.

            “Is it okay for me to use that name, too?” she asked.

            My heart skipped a beat. I stared up at her, my eyes all blurry from crying. She was taking this better than I thought she might. I found myself burying my face in her shirt and sobbing even harder. She rubbed my back and just held me there. She waited until I was done crying before she said anything else.

            “I…I thought you’d be mad,” I said.

            She laughed.

            “I’m only a little mad,” she said. “But just at that you didn’t feel safe enough to tell me.”

            I couldn’t help but laugh at that myself. Mom brushed my tears off of my face.

            “Say, I have an idea for some sleepover fun,” she said. “I’ve got the old Nintendo still. Mind if I set that up for you girls?”

            Just hearing those words made my heart burst. She’d included me as one of the girls. And she was up to bringing out some old videogames this late at night. I nodded my head enthusiastically. She laughed.

            “Even after midnight, you’re still my gamer child,” she said. “Well. I’ll go get that. You go let the others know that you’re okay and you’re going to cream them in retro Mariokart.”

            I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a hug.

            “Thanks, mom,” I said.

            “No problem,” she said.

            I hopped back up, gave her a smile, and then dashed back downstairs. Everyone perked back up. Shino choked a little.

            “Kaz, your wig is crooked…” she said.

            “Who’s ready for Mariokart 64?” I asked.

            I gave Sugu a reassuring wink.

            “Oh, jeez…” Sugu said, laughing in relief. “Is that what you two were up there talking about? I’ll kick your butt, big sis!”

            “Not before I kick yours!” I said.

            Asuna yanked me down on the floor beside her. She gave me a concerned frown. I just smiled at her. Mom came in a few moments later with the Nintendo and started hooking it up, asking how our evening was going. She demanded to get pictures of me with the facial mask on. Keiko snitched and told her that I’d been eating the cucumbers.

            For a first all-girls sleepover, it was pretty rad. I don’t know how to feel about my mom jumping in on Mariokart, but it could have been worse. I think maybe the best part of it had to be that my mom was supportive of her trans daughter. I doubt any future sleepovers will qualify as this special. Oh well.

Chapter Text

            I think the most awkward thing was when my friends left, and I was stuck alone with my mom for question time. She went through the dreaded “how did you know” and “when did you know” and all that, kind of dragging it on like when you see relatives at holidays, and they ask about school and all that. I wasn’t sure of how to break it to my mom that I started questioning my gender because of a video game avatar, but when the topic finally came up, she took it pretty well.

            “Now, we need to tell your dad,” she said, giving me a serious look.

            I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. She’d learned completely on accident. There had been no planning involved in that coming out scene. I’d hoped to get a bit more time to think over things before I came out to my dad. She laughed a little. I nervously looked up at her and bit my lip.

            “Sweetie, it’s going to be okay,” she said. “I’m sure he’ll be happy to accept you as his daughter. But I think the sooner we tell him, the better. It will mean less misgendering in the house and hopefully a happier Kaz.”

            “Right,” I said, taking a deep breath.

            “Oh, and about that,” she said. “We need to pick out some kanji for a name change. If you don’t want me helping, that’s alright, but you can’t really put ‘Kaz’ on your license.”

            I almost jumped out of my chair.

            “Y-you’d let me legally change my name?” I stammered.

            She nodded. Her calm mannerisms were treating this as if it were the most normal thing in the world to just up and let your child change their name. She’d accepted this whole-heartedly, without even considering how crazy her statement might sound when she pitched it to my dad later.

            “You don’t want to be misgendered at school, do you?” she asked. “If we play our cards right, we can fix things so that your gender and name are female in the school records. That way you don’t have to hear the wrong name or pronouns at all at school.”

            Frankly, I was dumbfounded at my luck. My mother was willing to do anything to make me feel comfortable. I’d been scared over nothing. I needed to think of a proper way to thank her. She finished what she was doing at the table and then got up, motioning for me to follow. I slid out of my chair and hurried along after her. Mom headed for the front door and slipped her shoes on. I frowned, then pulled on a pair of shoes as well.

            “Where are we going?” I asked.

            “There’s someone else you need to tell.”

            She didn’t explain any further than that. We headed down to the train station. It was the first time I’d been out in public with my mom like this. I wondered if she might be embarrassed—if coworkers saw her with an unfamiliar daughter, they might ask questions. But she seemed perfectly fine with it. She bought our tickets, we got on the train, and we headed off in silence. When she pulled me off at our stop, I felt my heart skip a beat.

            I knew this route. We were going to the graveyard. I always felt a bit awkward coming here. I didn’t remember my biological parents. I was too little when they died to properly recall them now. Midori and Minetaka had always been my parents; after grappling with being adopted, it was easier for me to just view them as I always had—as my parents. But I think mom still, somewhere deep inside, acknowledged me as both her daughter and her niece.

            It was a beautiful day for a trip to the cemetery, if I had to say so myself. The temperature wasn’t too hot, there weren’t a lot of people visiting today, and the sun was up in the sky. Mom let me know that she’d brought some flowers and other small things to put at the grave. She opened her back and handed some of them to me, so that I felt like I was contributing something as well. I thanked her and smiled at the flowers. She’d once said these were my mother’s favorites.

            We came to a stop in front of the Narusaka family grave. Together, we cleaned up the grave and set some flowers down for my mother and father. Mom smiled down at the grave and pulled me against her in an embrace.

            “Aoi…Yukito…you’d be very happy to know you have a very smart, brave daughter,” she said. “She told me last night. Isn’t that wonderful?”

            I tried to hold in my emotions. I buried my face in my mom’s shirt and quietly cried. She stroked my head, being careful not to yank the wig.

            “I think she’s been holding it in for a while,” mom said. “But I’m very happy for her, just like I know you are. I don’t want her to be scared. This world won’t be very kind to her. But she has people who love her very much, and I think that’s what matters in the end. She’s happy the way she is, and her friends and her girlfriend, as well as her sister and Minetaka and I…we all love and support her. So, she shouldn’t be as scared now, should she?”

            Trying my best not to keep crying, I lifted my head out of her shirt and smiled at her. She brushed some of the hair out of my face and pulled me into a hug. She kissed the side of my head and gently rubbed my back.

            “They’re proud of you, too, hun,” she said. “We’re all here to have your back.”

            All I could do was nod.

            “I-I love you, mom,” I said.

            She laughed and squeezed me a little tighter.

            “I love you, too, Kaz,” she said. “Now, how about we go and get some ice cream?”

            I nodded, flashing her a huge smile.

            “Yeah, let’s go!” I exclaimed.

Chapter Text

            Perhaps the hardest part about having an AI that treats you like a parent is that AI’s don’t have the same ability to understand things that humans do. Yui is an exceptional piece of software, and the way her emotions and reactions were rendered by her creator was outstanding, but I was scared to notify Yui that I had a new account. The old Kirito avatar had been deleted after I’d transferred all of my precious items over to the new one, but Yui didn’t know about that—at least, she didn’t know that because I told her.

            I slipped back into the log cabin on the 22^nd floor of Aincrad, alone because my friends were all busy doing other things today. Even Asuna said she’d had to deal with something. It seemed a little fishy that everyone was busy, but I didn’t want to pry too much. I ambled over to the bedroom and stopped in front of the mirror. I smiled.

            Naturally, I’d stuck with my Spriggan race to wear all black, as usual. But this avatar had hair that more closely resembled my GGO avatar, and unlike that one, this one was truly an F-type. It was a bit funny at first to get used to having breasts attached that weren’t removable, like the forms Asuna had given me. I glanced around, making sure no one was in the room with me, and then tried to adjust them.

            “I guess it makes sense that they really are attached…” I mumbled.

            Laughing, I couldn’t help myself. The breast forms might move if I wasn’t careful with my motions. But being able to be in this avatar was a blessing—I could jump and spin and sprint in this avatar just the same as I could with my previous ones. I didn’t have to worry about losing a boob because I twisted the wrong way.

            “Papa, what are you doing?”

            I jumped at the voice and whirled around. Yui was sitting on the bed, in her regular form, giving me a funny look. I realized my hand was still on my breast. I yelped and pulled my hand away. Yui frowned at me. I figured this looked like something weird.

            “I-I can explain!” I stammered.

            “Papa, why are you in a new avatar?” she asked.

            Trying to ignore what she was calling me for now, I walked over to the bed and sat down beside her. I wondered how much she could learn from the internet. I twiddled my thumbs, trying to think of the best way to approach this.

            “Well, Yui, Papa’s…Papa’s not really a papa,” I said.

            She tilted her head.

            “I’m a girl, Yui,” I said. “I can’t be your papa if I’m a girl.”

            She blinked at me and then looked at the avatar again.

            “Then where is Papa?” she asked. “Papa’s avatar was deleted from the ALO system. You’re the only registered user with the name ‘Kirito.’ I’m sorry I thought you were the same person.”

            I shook my head.

            “No, no, Yui,” I said. “It’s still me. I’m still the Kirito you met in SAO.”

            She frowned.

            “I don’t follow,” she said.

            I took a deep breath.

            “Your mama and I had a talk,” I said. “And I told her that I’m not really a boy. I’m actually a girl. So, I changed my avatar to match, since I’m a girl. That’s all that happened. Mama and I still love each other very much.”

            Yui seemed to take a moment to process this. But after a while, she smiled up at me and nodded.

            “Okay, Mama!” she said.

            I could feel my heart about to explode.

            “Although, I can’t call both of you mama,” she said. “So, Asuna will be Mama 1 and you will be Mama 2!”

            I covered my mouth to try and hide that I was giggling.

            Too cute, I thought.

            Of course, I had to pass on that I’d come out to Yui to Asuna. She seemed delighted and got a good giggle out of her new naming system as well. I then invited her over to dinner, since Suguha wouldn’t be home until later and neither would my mom. She offered to come and cook with me, which I readily agreed to.

            Our dish of choice was beef stew. It was a bit of a chilly day, so it sounded like a good idea to warm us up. She was cutting vegetables while I prepared the pot and beef. She said I didn’t cut the vegetables right. I finished up cutting the beef into reasonable cubes and set them to stew while she finished up with her portion. I washed my hands off and reached over for my phone.

            “I’m glad you told Yui,” she said. “I’m sure she’s very happy to have two mamas!”

            I smiled at her and pulled up my music app. She glanced over and noticed I was scrolling through something on my phone. She hummed and then started to add the vegetables to the simmering pot.

            “I think Yui’s pretty happy, too,” I said. “I’m not sure she gets it, but she’s at least using the correct pronouns and not questioning it.”

            “There’s only so much you can expect from an AI,” Asuna reminded me. “What are you doing? Scrolling through Twitter?”

            Glancing over at her, I smiled.

            “Oh, no,” I said.

            My finger stopped when I’d found the appropriate song. I made sure my volume was up. Asuna put the lid on the pot and then washed her hands. She sighed and nodded, happy with her work. Her smile gave me a warm feeling. She glanced back over at me.

            “What?” she said.

            “Your hands are free, I presume?” I asked.

            She nodded.

            “Why?” she asked.

            I set my phone down and tapped on the play button. A slow song started to play. She gave me a funny look, but she started giggling when I held my hand out to her. She placed one hand on my shoulder and rested the other in my outstretched hand.

            “It’s only proper to ask a pretty lady to dance,” I said, grinning at her.

            We rocked back and forth for a few steps. I held up her arm. She laughed as I gave her a clumsy little spin. She fell forward onto me and wrapped her arms around my neck as we swayed back and forth to the music. I put my arms around her waist and rested my forehead against hers. She leaned into me a little further and gave me a kiss.

            “It’s been a while since we’ve had a date, hasn’t it?” she said.

            I nodded.

            “Would you be okay with that?” she asked.

            I felt my heart fluttering in my chest. Of course, I wanted to go on a date with Asuna. We’d been out in public as a couple before, even if it was just to Dicey Café. It was worth a shot to try going somewhere that didn’t have the safety net of our friends, but deep down, I was a little scared. Would people stare at two girls on a date and make comments? Or would I not pass well enough and get misgendered on a date? I hated to think of anything worse than that happening.

            “Hey,” she said, reaching up to stroke my hair.

            I locked eyes with her. She seemed so calm and confident.

            “You aren’t scared?” I asked.

            She shook her head.

            “I stopped being scared because I met a very wonderful person,” she said, grasping my hand and squeezing it. “And she is a lot stronger than she thinks she is. I don’t care what people think, Kaz. I love you and I don’t want our relationship to change because of fear. If you aren’t ready, I understand that. But I want you to know that I’m not afraid to be seen with you in public. I’m not afraid to be seen as your girlfriend.”

            I pulled her into a hug and leaned my head against hers.

            “L-let’s do it, then!” I said. “Let’s go out on a real date!”

            Asuna nodded and hummed.

            “Yes,” she said. “Let’s.”

Chapter Text

            I asked my mom and Sugu for help picking out an outfit for my first date out of the closet. My selection was pretty limited, since I’d only bought a few outfits from the one or two times I’d been shopping with Asuna and Sugu. As none of my options struck their fancy, the two dragged me out of the house for an impromptu outfit search—the hunt was on for the perfect date look.

            Our shopping spree was pretty fun, I had to admit. I’d never gotten to go shopping with mom the same way Sugu did, so now that my mom was tossing me cute outfit ideas, it felt like a bonding experience that I’d been missing out on all this time. She insisted that we get a nice date dress that worked well with holding up the breast forms, some dress shoes I felt comfy walking in, and maybe a little bit of jewelry, like a necklace and bracelet.

            Getting clothing in the women’s department was still quite an adventure. Converting sizes was a bit awkward, so we did that at home. Mom told me that the best way to know if something fit, though, was to try it on. When in doubt, slip into a dressing room and try it. She asked permission beforehand and helped me in the stalls to learn how to put certain things on or comment on clothing that helped me look more feminine-shaped. As she was messing with the back of one dress, she pulled my wig hair to the side and hummed.

            “Are you going to try to grow your hair out?” she asked.

            I nodded.

            “If that’s okay,” I said. “It would make me worry less about the wig.”

            She hummed.

            “I agree that it would be a lot easier,” she said. “Now! Let’s have a look at you! Spin around and face me!”

            I turned on my heel and gave her an awkward smile. She laughed for a moment, then gasped and clasped her hands together.

            “Oh, Kaz, this one looks just darling on you!” she said.

            She turned me towards the mirror.

            “I think Asuna would love this! What do you think?” she asked me.

            Picking up the sides of the skirt, I turned my body back and forth a few times, staring at how the dress looked on me. I smiled and let go of the skirt, letting it swish back and forth as I moved, giggling a little. My mom laughed. She might not have understood how wonderful this all felt to me, but her cheerful laughter warmed my heart.

            “It’s perfect,” I said.

            That evening, I expressed to my mom that I wasn’t sure who was supposed to do the picking up and who was supposed to be picked up when we were both girls. She just laughed and told me that was up to me and Asuna. I had the only vehicle, but my mother warned me strongly against riding a motorcycle in a dress. She also told me that Asuna had left a message on the house phone, stating that she would be by to meet me at five-thirty sharp. She’d also texted me, something I’d passed over while shopping, so I hurried to get myself ready. Sugu joined me, watching me curiously as I did my make-up.

            “You’re getting better at this, big sister!” she said.

            I paused and smiled at her.

            “You think so?”

            She nodded enthusiastically. She carefully gave me a hug from behind.

            “And you look very lovely this evening,” she said. “Asuna’s going to love your outfit. I just know it!”

            “Thanks, Sugu,” I said.

            I gave her a pat on the head, finished applying my lipstick, and then jumped when my mom called up the stairs to tell me Asuna was waiting for me in the dining room. Sugu quickly slipped a necklace around my neck, clasped it for me, and then turned me towards the door.

            “Go get her, tiger!” she said.

            I laughed nervously. My stomach felt like butterflies. This sort of felt like a fairy tale scene. I grasped the railing of the staircase for support as I slowly descended, shyly looking down and anticipating the moment my eyes met Asuna’s. When her eyes came into view, the look on her face made me feel like a princess meeting her beloved at the bottom to escort her to the ball. Her cheeks were flush with color, and her eyes sparkled like stars. She held a hand out to me. I took it and nodded my head.

            She was dressed in a red and white dress, and I was in a black dress, reflecting our old colors like a nostalgic old couple. Her hair was done up in a complicated fashion I couldn’t put a name to. She looked so beautiful I almost forgot my mother and Sugu were there. I wanted to lean forward and kiss her. My mom cleared her throat when she saw me leaning in a little.

            “You look gorgeous,” Asuna said softly.

            I hummed and squeezed her hand.

            “And you,” I said. “Stunning, as always.”

            Her cheeks reddened a bit more. My mom cleared her throat.

            “I’m sure Ms. Yuuki agrees, please be back by a decent time,” she said. “But most importantly, you two go and enjoy yourselves, okay? It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of you. All that matters is that you have a good time.”

            We nodded at her.

            “Have fun,” she said, giving me a quick peck on the forehead.

            I tried not to show I was too embarrassed. We left the house hand-in-hand and didn’t let go until we were getting seated at our restaurant. We got plenty of odd stares, but I was determined to be brave. This was a night for us, not for thinking about what others might be considering as they saw us. Our restaurant of choice wasn’t too fancy, but we weren’t too over-dressed.

            “I like your new dress,” Asuna commented.

            I glanced down and smiled awkwardly.

            “Not too bold?” I asked.

            She shook her head.

            “Not at all,” she said. “And you did an excellent job with your make-up. Did you do your nails by yourself?”

            I laughed.

            “Yeah, they’re a little messy, aren’t they?” I said.

            Asuna took my right hand in hers and hummed as she observed my handiwork. It was my dominant hand, so I’d had trouble using my left hand to keep things nice and neat. The colors I’d paired with this black dress were, of course, purples. Asuna smiled and turned my hand in the light, revealing that the polish had flecks of glitter in it.

            “You did a very good job,” she said.

            She sighed.

            “What?” I said.

            She shook her head.

            “We’ve come a long way since we met,” she said. “I don’t think the me who met you on the first floor of Aincrad ever pictured you as my girlfriend in the future, but I’m very glad that things turned out that way.”

            Her smile was sweet.

            “I could say the same about you,” I said, chuckling.

            I took her hand in mine and squeezed it.

            “I’m very grateful to have someone as loving and supportive as you for a girlfriend,” I said. “Oh! We need to see if we can remarry in ALO…”

            I trailed off. Could you marry if you were the same sex in the game? A pit formed in my stomach. It would be cruel if you couldn’t. What did the GMs care about that sort of thing? Asuna gave my hand a squeeze back.

            “I’m pretty sure we can,” she said, reassuring me. “If not, we can still wear rings on our left hands.”

            I nodded.

            “You’re right,” I said. “Say, Asuna.”

            She tilted her head.

            “Mmhm?”

            I tapped one free finger against my water glass.

            “Do you think things would go okay if I came out at school?” I asked.

            It had been one thing to come out to my friends and another to come out in public. But donning a girl’s uniform and walking into school? Why did it feel like there were so many layers to coming out? I bit my lip and sighed.

            “Again, it’s up to you when and where you choose to come out,” she said. “If you want to keep closeted at school, that’s fine. If not, I support you in that step.”

            I smiled at her.

            “Well, mom’s letting me grow my hair out,” I said. “And she’s going to try and help me get everything sorted out to have my legal sex marker changed. So, I think I should come out and be ‘Kazue’ at school now. Then again, I’ll be the only girl in mechatronics now…”

            Asuna laughed.

            “A pioneer woman in the mechatronics field!” she said.

            A waitress came and gave us our food. We talked about a few school projects and then some quests in ALO as we ate. At one point, I said I needed to use the restroom, but was antsy about it. Asuna took it upon herself to take me to the restroom, insisting quietly that no one would notice. The bathroom was thankfully empty, and I made a note to myself to learn how to use the toilet without standing up later. A woman came in as I exited the stall and I tensed up. Asuna grasped my arm.

            “It’s okay,” she said.

            I nodded, washed my hands, and hurried back to our table, ready for that adventure to be over with.

            After our dinner, we left the restaurant, once again hand in hand, and walked in the direction of my house. I told Asuna I’d be fine with dropping her by her house first, but she seemed insistent. I think deep down, she was worried that without her, I’d be scared of people looking at me. She insisted that she wanted to spend the night with me, though. I thought about my mom at home, waiting for us, and wondered if she would think we were up to something. But I agreed to let her stay, since it was late, and we lived quite a way apart.

            My mom greeted us and asked how dinner was. We filled her in on the details of the meal, and Asuna made sure to chime in and tell my mother I used the ladies’ room for the first time, a detail I was a bit embarrassed about. Frowning, my mom asked if anything bad happened, and I just told her I was uneasy. She told me to never go without another girl. I nodded and then told her Asuna would be staying the night. She seemed delighted and left us to our business.

            I let Asuna shower first, and then I took mine. I think my mom might have commented if we’d have taken a shower together. I changed into some night clothes and came back into my bedroom to see Asuna lying on the bed, playing with her phone. She looked up at me and smiled, then hummed and tilted her head.

            “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you with the wig off,” she said. “Your hair is getting a little longer.”

            I reached up and grasped some of my hair in my fingers. It hadn’t grown all that much. It was about the length of when I’d first dived into SAO. Asuna probably was thinking about how it looked familiar. I looked over at her. She patted my bed with her hand. I smiled and went over to lay down beside her. She rolled onto her side and wrapped her arms around me.

            “Cuddle me,” she said, mumbling into my shirt.

            I laughed and held her against me, smiling.

            “Mm, you’re so warm,” she said.

            I planted a kiss on her forehead. She snuggled up to me and wrapped her leg around mine.

            “I enjoyed myself this evening,” I said.

            She nodded.

            “Yeah, it was nice to get to go on a formal date for once,” she said. “We should do it again sometime!”

            I hummed.

            “Agreed,” I said. “I liked dressing up. I felt really cute.”

            Asuna giggled.

            “I liked seeing you all dressed up,” she said. “You are really cute.”

            She lifted her head up and slipped her lips into mine. I pushed back into hers. We pulled apart for the moment and touched noses against one another. We gazed at each other for a second, and then we leaned back in to share another kiss.

Chapter Text

            I swung my sword through the enemy, ripping it in half so that it burst into hundreds of tiny particles of light. I swirled around after finishing up the move, flashing Asuna a smile. She flashed past me to take on the next enemy. I leapt back to let her pass by.

            “Switch!” I shouted.

            She unleashed a six-part rapier attack, effectively destroying the enemy. I switched back with her, delivering a few fatal blows to the next one. This area was a little too easy for the both of us, but it was good for boosting the stats of my new avatar. The gamer in me lamented throwing away the old Kirito avatar, but this was for the better. It helped me to deal with dysphoria a bit better. A little farming was worth the comfort.

            When we’d cleared the field of monsters, Yui sat down on my shoulder and stretched her arms up, letting out a yawn. Asuna and I both gave her a funny look. I reached up with my finger and poked her.

            “That tickles!” Yui exclaimed.

            I smirked.

            “What are you yawning for?” I asked. “You didn’t do anything.”

            Yui puffed up her little cheeks in irritation.

            “That’s mean, Mama!” she said. “Watching you and Mama fight makes me tired, too! I have to follow you around and everything!”

            Asuna and I both chuckled. It was a bit confusing that Yui called us both ‘mama’ now, but it was better than her sticking to ‘papa’ for me. It made me feel warmly welcomed, even if Yui was just an AI. She could pick up on simple changes a lot more easily than other human beings could. I looked over at Asuna and grinned.

            “How about some pizza?” I asked.

            She laughed.

            “Hungry already?” she asked.

            I nodded.

            “I worked up quite an appetite fighting all of those monsters,” I admitted. “My mom should be cool with us ordering a pizza, though. She’s probably too tired to even look at us making a mess in the kitchen.”

            At that, Asuna giggled. We flew back to our player home to log out, and after saying our goodbyes to Yui, we headed towards the kitchen. I double-checked with my mom that ordering pizza was fine, then we quickly placed an order for something so we could eat it as soon as possible. We sat down at the table to wait.

            “I think if we farm another couple of areas a few times, I can finally be back at the stats the previous avatar had,” I said, taking a sip of some tea. “Then I can rejoin the group for high-level quests once more!”

            Asuna nodded enthusiastically.

            “You’ve worked really hard, Kaz!” she said.

            My mom walked into the room and smiled at us.

            “What are you two talking about?” she asked.

            I hurriedly filled her in on the avatar situation. I told her that I’d scrapped my old avatar to deal with dysphoria and was building up my stats on my new avatar so that I could take back all of my precious equipment. My mom giggled at it, noting that I was quite the little gamer nerd. I quickly informed Asuna that my mom loved playing video games, too, to which Asuna replied:

            “Oh! That explains the Nintendo!”

            My mom and I both had a giggle fit over that.

            “Say, Kaz, I know you’re with Asuna right now, but could I talk to you in another rom privately for a moment?” she asked.

            Asuna and I looked at each other. She nodded and let me know it was okay.

            “If the pizza arrives, I’ll make sure to sign for you,” she reassured us.

            I nodded.

            “Thanks,” I said.

            I stood up and followed my mom into her bedroom. I wasn’t sure what she wanted to talk about that couldn’t wait until after Asuna was gone, but I figured it didn’t hurt if it was just going to take a moment. She sat down on the bed and asked me to sit down in the desk chair across from her. I pulled it out and did so. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

            “Your father and I have been talking about your coming out a lot recently,” she said.

            Frowning, I shifted nervously in my chair.

            “We have been looking into things and researching since you came out,” she said. “It’s a very expensive thing, transitioning and taking hormones, you know. But when we first talked, Minnetaka and I decided that we were going to set aside a small fund so we could afford to put you on estrogen.”

            I almost leapt out of my chair.

            “Y…you want to…let me take HRT?” I asked.

            She smiled and nodded.

            “I think that would help you a lot,” she said. “I read up on how the treatments will affect you, and I was hoping that that might alleviate some of the distress from dysphoria for you. So, as for what I was saying before, we think we’ll have enough to get you started on estrogen around your birthday. But I wanted to make sure you were okay with it first.”

            I put my hands over my mouth. I was having trouble holding back the excitement and joy I felt hearing my mother saying this. But fighting it was going nowhere. I jumped forward and threw my arms around her, hugging her tightly. She laughed and hugged me back, kissing the side of my head.

            “I’ll take that as a yes,” she said.

            I squeezed her a little more.

            “Thank you, mom,” I said. “For your support…for you love…for this…”

            My words stuck in the back of my throat. She gently stroked my hair.

            “You know I would do anything for my little girl,” she said.

            “Moooom! I’m not little!” I said.

            She gave me another kiss on the head.

            “You’re still a baby to me!” she teased. “Now, don’t leave your poor girlfriend out there sitting alone with the pizza! She might steal your slice!”

            For a brief moment, I considered telling her that Asuna would never. But the way she raised her eyebrow at me after saying that told me I might want to go check just in case. I bolted out of the room, eager to get my hands on my own slice before it was too late.

Chapter Text

            My voice wasn’t the biggest issue when I thought about my dysphoria. From what I understand, trans people all experience dysphoria differently. Some are bothered by only a few features, some are bothered by all, and some very lucky transgenders don’t even have dysphoria at all. I knew, by now, that my dysphoria involved my hair and my chest mostly, and sometimes it included my biological sex. I tried to throw my voice mostly to pass, but did my voice bother me?

            I would have to say no, not normally.

            It wasn’t something that had bothered me in any way until a very specific thing happened. It was summer break at school, and the gang decided we were going out for karaoke. I’m not the type that just eagerly jumps into singing in front of people to begin with. So, I was mostly there for snacks and to enjoy being around my friends. I had not expected to be passed the mic.

            I watched my friends and casually danced along as they sang (in some cases like Klein, very off-key), smiling while I tapped my foot in rhythm. A lot of the songs were Yuna’s, since both Keiko and Klein were very intense Yuna fans. We were several songs in when the unexpected thing finally happened—Rika shoved a mic into my hand and asked me to sing a song for us.

            “I…I don’t know, Lis,” I said. “I’m not much of a singer.”

            She elbowed me playfully.

            “Just try it once, Kirito!” she said. “Don’t be a chicken. Just one song.”

            Nodding, I figured there was no harm to doing it just once. I sighed and agreed to sing; so long as the lyrics were up on the screen, it wouldn’t matter if I knew the song or not. Luckily for me, though, they picked a popular, hard-to-avoid song that frequently came on the radio. The music started, I cleared my throat, and I started singing.

            That’s when everything suddenly felt worse. Now, I’m naturally a tenor, and I can hit some pretty high notes if I really apply myself. So, there shouldn’t have been much of an issue. But as soon as I heard my voice in the microphone, my stomach formed into a tight knot. The words caught in my throat. I dropped the microphone and scrambled out of the room to the bathroom, feeling sick.

            I bent over the sink and turned the cold water on to splash my face. I knew that feeling was dysphoria—I’d felt it before when staring at my bare, flat chest. I suppose I was just shocked that it came to me now, dealing with a completely new issue. Was it supposed to develop that way? I filled my hands with water and just let my face fall into my cupped palms. The coolness helped me calm down.

            “Great…now I’ve got makeup all over my hands…” I muttered.

            Someone behind me giggled. I turned my head to see my sister leaning against the stalls. She walked over and rubbed my back. I sighed and stared down into the sink. Water droplets dripped off of my face. The faint color of the makeup sticking to them stood out against the white ceramic surface as they splashed onto it.

            “Dysphoria?” Sugu asked.

            I nodded my head.

            “If you want, I can tell the others that you really aren’t comfortable with singing just yet,” she said. “We’ll do this another time when you feel more comfortable. Like once you start taking the estrogen.”

            She handed me a cloth from her purse to wipe my face off. She asked if I wanted to reapply my makeup, and I frowned at myself in the mirror while I tried to make a decision. The smudged spots on my face either needed to be cleaned off or touched up. I looked at myself, turning my cheeks to different angles. My first instinct was to say yes. Makeup helped me pass better. But some stubborn part of me didn’t want to reapply it. I wet the cloth a little more and started wiping my face clean of the cosmetics.

            “A-are you sure, big sis?” Sugu asked.

            I nodded.

            “Between the wig and the chest, I doubt anyone would glance at me and presume anything,” I said. “Right now, I’m mostly distressed that my voice even bothered me. It hasn’t done that before.”

            Sugu handed me a dry cloth. I thanked her, took it, and dabbed it on my face. My pores probably needed to breathe, anyways. Isn’t that what Asuna had told me? I lowered the cloth and gave myself a rather pathetic smile in the mirror.

            “It’s not easy,” she said. “I can tell that, I think. But you’re doing your best to fight it and live your life without it weighing you down.”

            A dry laugh escaped from the throat.

            “I wish I could get some cheat codes for it, though,” I said. “But that’s unbecoming of me, isn’t it?”

            Sugu giggled.

            “What, the big, proud gamer is too high and mighty to stoop for some cheat codes?” she asked, poking me in the side.

            I brushed her hand away and pouted.

            “What if I told you that while you were still in SAO, I was using a few cheat codes to cover certain maps of ALO?” she asked.

            I snapped out of my funk almost immediately.

            “You did not!” I exclaimed.

            She laughed.

            “What are you going to do about it?” she said, smiling at me. “The damage is already done. I stood on the knowledge of gamers stronger and better than me to become a veteran. I sit atop a throne of lies.”

            I shook my head.

            “My own sister…betraying me like this…” I said. “Promise me you’ll never use cheat codes as the easy way out again!”

            Sugu laughed again and smacked my shoulder.

            “Why would I need cheat codes when I have you?” she teased. “I’ll see you back in the karaoke room when you’re ready.”

            She winked at me and hurried out of the bathroom. I decided I was done taking a breath only because I needed to chase after her and highlight the value of pushing a game to its limits without the help of siblings, friends, or cheat codes and walkthroughs. She just laughed at me as I trailed behind her. I suppose her pick-me-up was rather effective.

Chapter Text

            Standing in the bathroom, I pulled my hair back in my hands and grinned when I saw it was officially long enough to form a short ponytail. I’d made the mistake of cutting it short when I’d gotten out of SAO, but I really only realized that after coming to terms with my own gender identity. Now, I didn’t feel that pressured external guilt to keep my hair short. I kept grinning at myself in the mirror as I played with my hair until I saw Sugu watching me in the reflection, covering her mouth with one hand as she giggled.

            “Having fun, big sister?” she asked.

            I saw my cheeks flush red in the mirror, so I ducked my head to hopefully hide that from her. She came into the bathroom, set down what was in her hands, and wrapped her arms around me. After the hug, she reached up and tucked some of my hair behind my ear, humming as she glanced at it.

            “Turn your face to me,” she said.

            I turned away from her a little more, not wanting her to see my embarrassment.

            “Oh, come on, big sister!” she said. “I’m not going to make fun of you! I want to see something!”

            Sighing, I turned my whole body to face her. She reached up and made sure that on one side of my face my hair covered my ear, but on the other she tucked it all behind it. She put her hands on my cheeks and turned my head from side to side as she hummed more intently. I watched her face tense and relax as she thought. I swallowed wondering what she might be appraising.

            “I think you look cuter with your hair tucked behind your ears,” she commented. “Not that you have the drive to pay attention to that.”

            Frowning, I crossed my arms over my chest.

            “That’s a low blow, Sugu,” I grumbled.

            She just giggled and fixed my hair so that both sides were evenly tucked behind my ears.

            “Oh, your girlfriend is here,” she said. “Just thought I’d let you know. You might want to wrap up your solitary glamor session and go entertain her.”

            When I heard the news that Asuna was already here, I sucked air through my teeth and whirled back around to the sink to finish up my face. I’d been using a small amount of makeup to practice some tricks that made my face look more feminine, and since we were heading out downtown for a stroll, I was in the process of doing that when I’d stopped to soak up the sensation of gender euphoria when playing with my own hair.

            I didn’t want to make her wait too long, though, so I got ready as quickly as I could. I double checked that my breast forms were in place, pulled on a casual graphic tee that was loose, but not so much that one couldn’t make out my chest, and then moved on to tackle the bottom half. Here, I was still practicing with tucking. I wanted to wear shorts today, though, so I slowed down a bit make sure I did it carefully and then pulled on a pair of shorter shorts.

            A knock sounded on the bathroom door behind me. I was finishing up by brushing my hair. I reached over the sink to grab a hair tie and flexed it a few times before smiling and reaching up to pull my hair back into a ponytail. It was an exciting first. My stomach felt like it was full of giddy butterflies. As I grouped it all together, the door creaked open behind me, and Asuna poked her head into the bathroom. I could see her in the mirror, smiling at me politely.

            “Kaz?”

            I turned around to face her while I pulled my hair up into the ponytail.

            “Yes?” I said. “I’m almost done. Just putting my hair up.”

            Asuna just stared at me. For a moment, it felt very awkward, as if I’d admitted that the reason I’d been holding her up was over a bit of playing with my hair, but then Asuna’s cheeks burned red as she stared, and her mouth dropped open slightly. I felt my own cheeks starting to flush again. I finished putting up my hair and grabbed the back of my neck awkwardly.

            “D-don’t stare…” I stammered. “I…I know it’s weird. I just…wanted to try going without the wig today…”

            Instead of responding, Asuna came over to me, grasped my hand, and pulled it away from my neck slowly. She then cupped the side of my cheek, bent her head, and leaned forward to plant a kiss on my bare neck. My heart felt like it might burst out of my chest. Her forward affection had come from seemingly out of nowhere. While a bit perplexed, I couldn’t help but feel very warm inside. Asuna pulled away and brushed some of her har out of her face.

            “Sorry,” she mumbled. “You’re just so pretty with your hair pulled up like that.”

            I pressed a hand to my chest.

            “You…you think so?” I said.

            She nodded, all the while avoiding eye contact with me. After all of this time as lovers, we still managed to fluster one another like this. I cleared my throat, whirled around to pick up a necklace to put on, and then hurried out to go and find a pair of shoes and my purse—maybe not in that order. At the door, I selected a pair of slightly worn Converse and then stopped and turned back to Asuna.

            “Does everything look okay?” I asked, hoping she’d catch my drift.

            Her eyes, thankfully, wandered down to check what I’d been hoping she’d check. She nodded at me and smiled.

            “You’re very cute-looking today, Kirito-chan!” she said, reaching over and grasping my hand.

            I let out a sigh of relief as she patted my shoulder.

            “You did a good job,” she whispered. “Don’t be so insecure about it. I’ll be the first to let you know if something embarrassing happens. Trust in your partner a little more, okay?”

            She gave my hand a squeeze.

            “Now,” she said. “Where to?”

            I smiled at her and squeezed her hand back.

            “How does Tsutaya sound?” I posed.

            She laughed.

            “Lead the way, then!” she said.

Chapter Text

            Asuna’s only instructions to me were to dress up as cute as I could and follow her. Beyond that, she’d blindfolded me and was leading me around with my eyes closed. I could hear people walking past us on the sidewalk and wondered if maybe they thought strange things about a girl blindfolding another and walking her around town, but no one stopped us as we walked along. I heard a door creak as we turned into somewhere, and it was very hushed as we walked around a room. When the blindfold was removed, I saw the interior of Agil’s café and all of my friends and family there, jumping up to cheer me on.

            “Happy birthday, Kaz!”

            I wound up seated between Sinon and Asuna at the bar, both of them laughing to themselves as I worked on a piece of cake.

            “You know you didn’t have to blindfold me, right?” I said, giving Asuna a look.

            She just giggled.

            “Oh, don’t be silly,” she said. “If you’d have known we were headed to Dicey Café you would have turned around and run because you suspected a surprise party.”

            I hummed, chewing on my bite for a moment. She was right. I didn’t like being the center of attention. If I’d known that they were doing this, I might have refused or changed course. Asuna reached over and patted me on the back.  I just rolled my eyes. At least the cake was presented to me to keep me here.

            “Besides,” Sinon said, “this is a celebration of you getting to start HRT. It’s more of a big deal than other birthdays, you know.”

            She sounded so matter-of-fact when she spoke. I wanted to roll my eyes again, but I felt like that would get me a jab to the ribs from Asuna. My friends were trying to be genuinely supportive; deep down, I appreciated it, but I would have been just as fine sitting at home and eating pizza and cake. I turned to look over my shoulder at my friends as they laughed and shared cake. It was fine to just let them be happy about this.

            The party itself was mostly just socialization and talking about what our next big quests to tackle in ALO would be. There were a few off-topic questions from that, like asking what kind of HRT I would be taking, was I scared to start taking it, and was there anything they could do in order to help me during this big step in my transition. The questions themselves were really overwhelming. I wanted to just ask them to take things step-by-step beside me, but I didn’t want them to know that I felt uneasy being bombarded with questions. They meant well, after all.

            I headed home with Asuna that night. She’d told me she would be by my side when I started the dosage. While it was maybe a bit dramatic for me taking my first pills, I was glad that no matter what step it was for me in this transition, Asuna was always by my side. She joined my family for a birthday dinner, and my parents gave me the usual parental run-down of being safe taking any kind of treatment. When we finally snuck away to my bedroom, I removed a single dose and held it in my hand for a moment, feeling my nerves start to climb.

            “Nervous?” Asuna asked.

            Drawing in a deep breath, I smiled and gave her a nod that turned into a headshake.

            “Excited more than nervous, I think,” I said. “I’m really starting to take estrogen.”

            She nodded and pulled some of my hair out of my face.

            “I’m proud of you,” she said.

            I tilted my head and gave her a funny look.

            “What are you proud of, exactly?” I asked. “I feel like you say that a lot. It’s not like I’ve done anything.”

            Asuna laughed.

            “When I met you back in SAO, you definitely weren’t brave enough to come out to the world,” she said. “And I know it’s taken a lot for you to come out to your friends and family alike. You’ve only as recently as coming out as transgender started to be openly comfortable with talking about your bisexuality. This has been a long journey for you emotionally, Kaz. I’m proud of you for fighting your own battles and becoming the person you want to be.”

            I wrapped my arms around her and stuck my face in the crook of her neck. She rubbed my back and kissed the side of my head.

            “It’s okay to take pride in this,” she continued. “You’ve worked really hard to present yourself the way you feel comfortable. You’ve gathered the courage to tell your friends who you are. You’ve faced crowds that might not be friendly. You’ve gone on dates that many people would still find immoral. And you do it all with a nervous smile, but there’s a joy in your eyes that wasn’t present before. I love seeing that joyous smile in your eyes. I hope that HRT will make you want to smile even more.”

            I nodded and pulled away from her taking a deep breath. I held up my closed fist, waving it between the two of us.

            “This is it, Asuna,” I said. “I’ve been waiting to do this for a few years now.”

            I thought she might tear up.

            “I questioned even before the GGO incident, you know,” I said, choking on my words. “But I was afraid that the girl I loved would leave me because I was a girl, too. It hurt so much to think that changing myself to make me happy might turn you away. But then. But then Sinon told me to talk to you about it and…”

            Asuna reached down and squeezed my empty hand.

            “I love you, Asuna,” I said. “I’m the luckiest girl in the world because you’ve stayed by my side no matter what. And I couldn’t be happier than knowing that you support me fully in this.”

            Her eyes looked a little wet with tears.

            “Until death do us part,” she said. “No matter what gender you are, you’re always going to be the person I love most in the world.”

            She rubbed the back of my hand with her thumb. I finally caught my breath for long enough to swallow the pill. I knew, in that moment, that even if I decided that HRT wasn’t for me, Asuna wouldn’t say a thing. She’d just nod her head, tell me that it was my body alone, and she’d stick by me. Having that kind of support was something I could have never dreamed of. But it was right here with me, and she was never, ever going to let me go.

Chapter Text

            For Christmas that year, I got the gift that I hadn’t been expecting—the gift of visible progress from my HRT.

            The first time I noticed a significant difference in my chest was a few days before Christmas Eve. I glanced at myself in the mirror and blinked a few times before realizing that yes, I could, in fact, see a bit of growth. I slipped on my shirt and dashed into my sister’s room, excitedly grinning at her. She was packing up some of her kendo gear at that moment and turned around and giggled as soon as she saw my goofy grin.

            “What’s got you in such a good mood?” she asked.

            I pointed to my chest.

            “I’m not a complete board anymore!” I exclaimed.

            Sugu practically snorted at the comment.

            “Big sister, I don’t know where you pick up these sentences you string together, but they are something else,” she said. “But that’s good! Pretty soon you can probably use a training bra!”

            I knew she meant it as a tease, but I couldn’t help but to feel immediately embarrassed by the notion of being my age and wearing a training bra. I suppose realistically, some women never were as well-endowed as Sugu was. The doctor had even told me to not expect to experience growth anywhere near that of my sister’s. My body was, as she put it, a bit too mature to have a growth spurt of that nature. Sugu stepped over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder.

            “I’m joking,” she said. “Keep wearing the bras you’re wearing, and we’ll just stuff them with the breast forms until you can fit an actual bra. How does that sound?”

            Smiling, I nodded.

            “That sounds great,” I said.

            I still wasn’t sure what to feel about her comment. I’d been elated to see some progress when I noticed it, but now I was suddenly feeling very insecure about how little the progress really was. In Suguha’s mind, I wasn’t even an A-cup. Maybe this small bit of growth wasn’t as impressive as I’d thought it was. I slipped back out of her room and finished getting dressed. My plans were to meet with Asuna to talk about a little Christmas surprise we’d worked on for Yui.

            Dressed in a skirt and panty hoes, since I couldn’t be bothered to actually put on something warm through the mild dysphoria caused by my conversation with Sugu, I hurried out to meet Asuna at a nearby coffee shop. She was just leaving the line with her order when I walked in. She came over to me and gave me a quick hug.

            “You look cute today, Kaz, but you also look cold!” she said. “You know girls still wear pants, don’t you?”

            I frowned and tugged at the bottom of my skirt. Asuna frowned and steered me over to sit down.

            “Let me go order you something and I’ll be right back, okay?” she said.

            Sighing, I told her that I’d just take a black coffee. She stepped back in line, ordered the drink, and then swiftly brought it back over to me. She sat down across from me and took a sip of her drink, which appeared to be a seasonal Christmas-themed flavored latte. She hummed in delight. It must have been something she really liked. I took a sip of my own coffee. I was fine with a lack of syrup in my bean juice.

            “So, I was thinking,” Asuna said. “Perhaps we should log in on Christmas Day to give Yui her present. That will give us all of the time we could want to spend Christmas Eve romantically together. What do you say?”
            I perked up a little and nodded. The prospect of a whole day with Asuna sounded amazing.

            “That’s a good idea,” I said. “I could use a day for just the two of us.”

            Looking over at Asuna, I saw her blushing just a bit. Her mind was devoid of anything unpleasant—it had to be. As I sat here, partially distracted by my dysphoria, Asuna was able to put on the brightest of smiles just thinking about being with me. I had to put my best self forward for her, too. It was Christmastime, after all. It wasn’t a time to sit around and mope about dysphoria. It was a time to be happy with the people I loved.

            Asuna reached across the table and touched my arm.

            “Hey, is everything okay?” she asked. “You’ve had a funny look on your face since you arrived. Is dysphoria bothering you today?”

            What kind of an angel was she, that she knew immediately what the problem was? I wanted to throw myself forward and allow myself to be a sobbing mess on her, but that wouldn’t be good for my makeup or her pristine, white shirt. I set my coffee down and reached my hands out to grasp hers. It was probably the most contact she would permit in a public venue like this.

            “Kaz, you can tell me anything,” Asuna said. “You know that, right?”

            I nodded and squeezed her hand a little tighter.

            “I just…I felt so good when I woke up,” I said. “I thought I saw progress, and then something Sugu said reminded me that I’m still nowhere near where I want to be.”

            Asuna squeezed my hands back.

            “Have you told her how her words made you feel?” she asked.

            I shook my head.

            “I think you should, then,” she said. “Suguha doesn’t understand how you’re feeling or what you’re going through. She’s her own person. She doesn’t know what your personal goals are, and she doesn’t know how much seeing a little progress must have felt for you. And she won’t know unless you tell her, Kaz. Don’t be afraid to tell Sugu when she’s said something that bothers you.”

            Biting my lip, I stared down at our hands and shook my head a little.

            “But she’s been so supportive!” I said. “I don’t want to make her look like she’s done something bad…”

            Asuna leaned forward to make sure our eyes met again.

            “Even supportive allies can mess up sometimes,” she said. “That doesn’t make it any less wrong. You need to tell her when she crosses a line with you. She needs to know that her behavior caused you to feel some dysphoria. Knowing your sister, I know she’ll take it to heart and change the way she speaks to you if her words are hurting you. She loves you very much and doesn’t want to hurt you.”

            She had a valid point. I put so much faith in Sugu’s support that I was, in a way, blinded to ways in which she could possibly still say something that felt wrong to me. Maybe some trans women were fine with being joked with in that way, but I wasn’t. Her words had stolen my small joy. Sugu wouldn’t know that unless I told her that.

            “You’re right,” I said.

            Asuna smiled.

            “Make sure you tell her when you’re both at home later,” she said.

            I nodded at her.

            “Right!” I exclaimed.

            She giggled and finally pulled her hand away from mine.

            “Now, tell me what got you excited this morning,” she said.

            My cheeks felt flush. The way she spoke sounded so cheerful and eager. She genuinely wanted to know the things that made me happy. I was the luckiest girl in the world to have Asuna.

            “I’m starting to see some results from the HRT,” I said. “It’s not much, but I think in a few months, I should be able to wear a bra without putting in fake…you know.”

            I kept my words careful since we were in public. I didn’t want someone to overhear our conversation and think that we were discussing something inappropriate over coffee. Asuna seemed to catch on, though, and she clasped her hands together excitedly.

            “Oh! That’s wonderful!” she cried. “That means I’ll get to teach you the joys of bra-shopping soon.”

            I laughed.

            “The joys, you say?” I asked.

            Asuna laughed with me and shook her head.

            “It’s honestly a bit of a pain,” she said. “Finding the most comfortable bra shouldn’t be as hard as it is, but sometimes things get out of hand with manufacturers, I su—”

            She cut herself off and covered her mouth with her hands, suddenly embarrassed. I couldn’t help but laugh. I’d tried my best not to venture into taboo public discussion territory, and Asuna appeared to have walked right into it without thinking. It felt so out of character for her. Perhaps my lack of social tact was rubbing off on her.

            “It’s okay, Asuna, I don’t think anyone heard you,” I reassured her. “Did you want to go somewhere more private to talk?”

            She nodded and slipped out of the chair. We walked around town and started to make plans for our Christmas Eve date. Asuna really wanted to walk around and see the lights displays. I told her that I’d do my best to give her a proper tour. I asked if we could go out for a romantic dinner date as well, to which she responded that she’d already anticipated I’d be hungry for the date and had a few ideas for places. We wound up at Asuna’s house. I stopped just before we entered the front door and frowned.

            “Is something wrong?” she asked.

            I swallowed.

            “I-I haven’t been here since I started my transition,” I said. “Is your mom home?”

            Asuna hummed and tilted her head.

            “She might be,” she said. “If she has something to say, I’ll just tell her it’s none of her business.”

            Nodding, I decided to trust in her confidence and stepped through the door. We announced that we were there and, much to my chagrin, Asuna’s mom was, in fact, home. She stepped into the main hall to greet Asuna and frowned at me, her brows knit together like someone who was trying to connect the dots. I swallowed and politely bowed.

            “H-hello, Mrs. Yuuki,” I stammered.

            She hummed.

            “You look familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it,” she said. “What’s your name again?”

            Not wanting to be rude, I quickly obliged without thinking.

            “K-Kirigaya Kazue,” I said.

            Asuna’s mother’s eyes went wide with realization. My last name was too much of a giveaway. Since I knew that Asuna’s mother had investigated my family, it stood to reason that she knew my sister’s name wasn’t Kazue. She likely also knew that I didn’t have any cousins, aunts, or uncles named Kazue, either. I grasped the folds of my skirt and tried not to shake.

            “Really, Asuna?” Mrs. Yuuki said. “Are you so embarrassed to bring your boyfriend here that you dress him up like a girl?”

            Asuna’s eyes appeared to light on fire.

            “Kaz is a girl!” she shot back. “Please don’t misgender my girlfriend.”

            I wanted to turn around and walk out. Asuna’s family was very old school; they held old values, old money, and tended to respect old morals. I didn’t anticipate her mother accepting me for who I was, nor did I expect her blessing going to two girls dating one another. I watched her lip quiver and her right eyebrow twitch. I reached over to Asuna and grasped her hand.

            But her mom didn’t say anything. She just stared at the two of us for a moment, gave a subtle nod, and then left the room. I felt the tension start to drain out of me. Asuna pulled me upstairs to her room and stepped out to get us something to snack on, telling me not to leave the room. I sat there and played with the edge of my skirt, wondering if I should tell Asuna that I’d rather just go back to my house where it was safe. A knock came at the door. I lifted my head and saw Asuna’s mother standing there. Her expression had softened.

            “Y-yes?” I stammered.

            She looked away from me and bit her lip before she spoke.

            “Your hair looks very nice,” she said. “You should keep it longer, Kirigaya.”

            That was all she said. I didn’t even have a chance to respond before she’d walked away, leaving me staring at the empty threshold. When Asuna returned, she frowned at me.

            “What’s wrong?” she asked.

            I blinked.

            “Your mother…” I mumbled.

            Asuna set down the snack tray and hurried over to sit next to me.

            “Did she say something rude?” she asked. “We can leave if you need to.”

            I shook my head and felt my cheeks warm up a bit.

            “She complimented my hair,” I said, smiling.

            In a funny way, Asuna’s mother had reminded me that I had made quite a bit of progress in my transition. It may not have been the progress that I’d been anticipating, but I had made significant steps since first coming out. I was allowed to take joy in those steps. Big steps, small steps—even half steps. If it made me happier, there was no reason to feel bad that it wasn’t where I wanted to be yet. It was my decision whether or not my progress made me happy. So, I decided that day that it did.

Chapter Text

            Being an SAO survivor, I often felt the anxiety of walking through the doors of my school. I had been a clearer even if I was a solo player, and that meant that a number of fellow classmates were bound to recognize me. It was the curse of many of us; Asuna often gathered a lot larger of a crowd than I did, but that biography of the event certainly didn’t help things in my level of recognition either. If I bundled up all of the anxiety I felt when thinking about some new student running into me and swearing up a storm about something I’d pulled back in SAO, it would still be smaller than the bundle of nerves present in my chest stepping into the schoolyard on the first day of my senior year of high school.

            “I can practically see your legs shaking, Kaz,” Asuna said.

            She reached over and grasped my hand.

            “Sorry,” I said. “I finally got a girl’s uniform and I just feel like a new kid transferring in to class from Canada.”

            Asuna frowned.

            “Canada?” she mumbled.

            It didn’t matter which country I picked. I felt completely foreign. I had transitioned socially to a degree, but it had taken me a while to finally get my hands on a girl’s uniform for the survivor school. Since the school had opened to house SAO survivors who were a bit behind in their education, the staff hadn’t really thought about having spare uniforms readily available. Even in a world where we could talk about trans people and I could begin to transition, people still weren’t rising to the challenge of making things less difficult for trans kids, I suppose.

            “Kaz, you’ve been out for a while to our friends,” Asuna said. “The only people who might react poorly are people we don’t even care about. And it doesn’t matter what they think, okay? If they can’t accept you for who you are or be kind and respectful to you, then they aren’t worth trying to make friends with in the first place.”

            I smiled at my girlfriend and squeezed her hand back. She was most likely right. The people who truly mattered to me wouldn’t do anything to harm me. As if to prove my point, Rika turned the corner into the schoolyard and let out a shriek of excitement. She dashed over to me and Asuna and practically tackled me with a hug.

            “You look so cuuuute!” she squealed.

            I almost lost my balance from the force of her tackle.

            “Th-thank you?” I stammered.

            Rika grinned at me and stepped back.

            “Seriously, you’re making me consider growing my own hair out longer,” she said. “Who did your haircut? Are those layers?”

            I let out a nervous chuckle.

            “Asuna did…” I said.

            Rika whirled around to face my girlfriend, her mouth falling open.

            “No way! Do me next!” she exclaimed.

            Poor Asuna couldn’t escape her fate, it seemed. I trailed behind her and Rika as they made for the school entrance. Taking these steps felt different, somehow. I was stepping into this place as my true self at last. Kirigaya Kazue was attending her first official day of school. My body quivered with nerves as I slipped off my shoes, placed them in the locker, and then stepped into my slippers. I slammed the locker shut and turned around to see a familiar face that I hadn’t seen in a long time blinking back at me.

            “I…I apologize,” the boy said. “For a moment, you looked familiar.”

            I swallowed. I felt fingers wrap around my own.

            “Oh, I didn’t know you attended the survivor school, Nezuo!” Asuna chimed in. “It’s been a long time since I last saw you!”

            The other student, who went by Nezuo or Nezha in SAO, bowed his head. He clearly recognized Asuna right off the bat. I told myself that it was a good thing that he couldn’t tell who I was, but a slight tinge of jealousy was still present in my chest. So what that my hair was longer and my chest was bigger? What difference did HRT and hormone blockers make here? I was still the same person. People changed their look all the time.

            “Y-yes,” Nezuo stammered. “I’ve seen you a few times in the hallway with Kirito, and I decided not to bother you…I sensed there was something going on between you now…I didn’t want to interrupt…”

            Asuna just giggled.

            “Yes, Kirito-chan and I have been dating for a while,” she said.

            Nezuo’s eyes widened a little.

            “Ch-chan?” he repeated. “Is Kirito okay with that sort of honorific?”

            Asuna nodded.

            “She blushes when I use it sometimes,” Asuna said, squeezing my hand a little.

            Sure enough, I felt my cheeks blazing—but I doubted that it was a direct result of her choice of honorific. She was intentionally teasing me. The blush must have made something click in the former blacksmith’s brain. Nezuo cocked his head to the side.

            “She?” he repeated. “Oh no…”

            The other boy threw himself on the ground in a rather exaggerated dogeza.

            “F-forgive me, Kirito!” he exclaimed. “I never realized you were a girl! I’ve spent all of these years presuming something else! I should have asked!”

            I placed my hand over my mouth. On the one hand, if he had asked while we were in SAO, I might have thought it was silly of him to ask such a question. Now, though, I felt a surge of euphoria as Nezuo asserted the fact that I was always a girl, even back before I had told anyone. Perhaps school wouldn’t be so terrible after all. I let out a laugh and bent down to get closer to him on the floor.

            “Don’t worry about it, Nezuo,” I said. “You know now. It might have been awkward to ask back then anyways.”

            I offered him my hand. He took it, and I helped him up to his feet. He gave me a shy smile, and then he looked between the two of us.

            “You’re really brave, you know,” he said. “I’ve always thought that about the two of you, but I think I feel it even more now. Maybe someday, I’ll be able to be brave, just like you and Kirito.”

            Asuna nodded at him.

            “You’re braver than you think, Nezuo,” she said.

            He smiled and gave us both a bow as he hurried off to class. The encounter with Nezuo told me that I had less to worry about than I thought I did. We were working towards a more accepting and inclusive world with every step forward we took. While the day may not be perfect, this interaction was a reminder of what we strove for as people.

            And that was enough to ease my nerves for now.

Chapter Text

          Naturally, as soon as my feet crossed the threshold of my classroom, all of those nerves suddenly flooded back in. It was a sea of familiar faces that still seemed so distant. The only people I tended to talk with were my friends from SAO and the mechatronics club, who I still hadn’t formally come out to either. My teachers, of course, had been informed of my sex and name change. It was on their roster. I nervously glanced across the room to catch the eyes of my homeroom teacher. She nodded her head in acknowledgement of me. I swallowed and took the walk to my assigned seat one step at a time.

          It felt like the longest walk of my life. As the other students around me connected the dots, that the Kirito was the girl nervously crossing the classroom, several gasps and whispers erupted from their mouths. I did my best to ignore them. I marched right to my seat and sat down, preparing myself for the first class the same as I always did. Tuning them out was the best I could do at the moment.

          Remember what happened when you first walked in, I told myself. Remember Nezuo’s reaction.

          My heart eased just a bit. It was still a bit overwhelming. I wanted to be here, and I wanted to stop being misgendered. This step was still quite terrifying. I knew that the teachers likely would just go with things as normal. The social transition was easier on that front; they would continue to call me by my last name, changing nothing aside from an occasional situation in which girls and boys were separated, like in P.E. classes. My parents had had lengthy discussions with the school about this particular area of my education. It had been a hard fought battle, but they’d at least won me the right to be placed into groups with other girls.

          Some of the whispers around me started to turn into giggles. I heard someone step over to me. They were directly behind me to the right of my chair. I didn’t turn around. If someone had something to say, I wanted them to say it to my face directly. I didn’t want to give them the privilege of reacting to something all upset when that’s probably exactly what they wanted from me. I straightened up in my seat and sat forward.

          Instead of a harsh whisper, though, I was met with a girl smacking her hands on the front of my desk and grinning at me rather excitedly. I couldn’t remember her name at all, and I felt a bit bad. She was leaning in towards me with what looked like enthusiasm in her eyes. I sat back in my chair and braced myself for what I assumed was going to be blatant mockery.

          “Finally!” she exclaimed.

          I tensed up. Her voice was rather loud.

          “F-finally?” I repeated.

          She leaned in even further.

          “Yes, finally!” she exclaimed again. “Another girl! This school has so many boys in it! Our class only had me in it for the longest time once the other girls in it transferred out to other schools.”

          Her response surprised me in a pleasant way. I’d been expecting some long-awaited excuse for her to say something nasty to me, but her face wasn’t familiar to me at all. This wasn’t someone I’d met outside of this classroom, so if she knew who I was, it was only because we were classmates or because she’d seen me in passing somewhere in Aincrad. I glanced around the classroom and realized that her assertion was correct. I hadn’t even noticed the number of girls who’d changed schools.

          “I-I guess it’s hard to stay in a school that has more boys than girls, isn’t it?” I asked.

          The girl nodded and let out a sigh.

          “My mom doesn’t think I’m ready to return to a normal school,” she pouted. “I suppose I don’t mind. I’ve never had the best grades, so this high school taking me was fairly generous. But sometimes boys can make the most rude comments, don’t you think?”
          It dawned on me that she had no idea I had only socially transitioned in school today. She wasn’t connecting the dots that I’d been here the whole time—she thought I was a new transfer student. She had no idea what the impact of her words was when talking about boys. I wasn’t a boy, but something about the fact that until today I’d been one of those classmates she’d looked at with scorn made my stomach turn. What category did people place me into? I hadn’t grown up socially in the girls’ world.

          Come to think of it, Rika’s said some funny things about how guys can be, I thought.

          A knot formed in my stomach. There was no way these girls had previously lumped me in with that sort of thinking, was there? Before transitioning, had other women only seen me as someone rude? I tried to swallow these thoughts. If I could get away with the transfer student thing, then perhaps it was better. I opened my mouth to answer her as if I’d never lived the life of a teenage boy, but I was stopped when I saw the teacher pick up a tablet.

          It will be obvious who I am as soon as roll is called.

          There was no getting around this.

          “I guess I don’t have that much experience with rude comments from guys yet,” I said.

          The girl’s facial expression changed, staring at me quizzically.

          “But you’re drop-dead gorgeous,” she said. “What guy wouldn’t approach you?”

          Another unexpected response almost had me falling from my chair. It was as if a waterfall of gender euphoria fell directly atop my head. I desperately didn’t want the roll call to out me as her transgender classmate. I’d been assumed as a cisgender girl and called “drop-dead gorgeous” within a matter of minutes.

          It’s so not fair! If only I’d changed my last name too!

          But that was a silly thought. I had no reason to change my last name—at least, not yet. Asuna and I hadn’t discussed who would be the head of the family register when we got married, and there was still the issue of being legally permitted to marry in the first place. For now, I was still in high school and had a loving family who accepted me. Other than school, I had no reason to even consider needing a completely new last name at this point in life. I twiddled my thumbs, wondering if I should let the homeroom teacher do the reveal or if I should just be upfront with her.

          “Well, I’ve been in this class since the beginning of the school year,” I said. “I started at this school when it first opened up for SAO Survivors.”

          The girl’s eyes widened with realization. She leaned in once more to really scrutinize my face. I bit my lip. I didn’t want to be examined this closely. The gender euphoria started to abate. She leaned back and smacked her hands together.

          “I’m so sorry, Kirigaya!” she exclaimed. “I really didn’t recognize you with the makeup on! Forgive me. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable! I still am grateful to have another girl in class with me, and I would love to be your friend if that’s okay!”

          I relaxed a bit and gave her a smile. So, her intentions weren’t bad after all. She’d taken that better than I could have hoped for. I gave her an awkward nod.

          “Yeah, I’d love that,” I said.

          The teacher cleared her throat and took the front of the room as the bell rang. Everyone who was out of their seat scurried over to their desk to begin the day. I felt fairly calm as she called for us to stand and bow. So far, two good things had happened today. The nerves of socially transitioning at school had been different from the nerves of telling my friends and family. I was glad that I’d done them separately, but I was also glad that it was going smoothly here as well. There was no telling how many more times in life I might have to come out. I hoped that any future moments left would go just as smoothly as things went today. When my name was called, I answered “present” without any fear, knowing I had at least one ally—no, friend—in my class.

          Beyond that, I couldn’t ask for more. I was just happy to have support here as well.

Chapter Text

            Over and over again I caught myself staring at a particular part of Asuna that made me feel just a tad bit envious. It had nothing to do with gender on the surface; people of any gender did it. Yet somehow, there were choices she made that made it seem extremely feminine, and when she made those choices, I felt a bit of gender envy deep in my chest. The more time passed, the more I found myself staring with intense longing. And, of course, it wasn’t very long before Asuna noticed that I was staring. With a giggle, she finally broke the tension, and she decided to ask the question that would make me open up about what I was staring at.

            “Kaz-chan, you seem really fixated on something,” she said. “Do you want to tell me what it is?”

            Swallowing, I tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear and averted my eyes. I must have been burning a hole in the side of her face with all of the staring I’d been doing.

            “Promise you won’t laugh?” I asked.

            Asuna shook her head.

            “Why would I laugh?” she asked. “You can talk to me about anything. Is something bothering you?”

            I shook my head.

            “It’s…earrings,” I admitted. “Sometimes I look at your earrings and can’t help but feel like they make you look really, really girly. And I get a little jealous. I want to look girly like that, too. But I know earrings aren’t, like, a girl thing.”

            Asuna smiled at me and reached over to put her hands on mine.

            “Kaz, just because something can be done by both genders doesn’t mean that you can’t feel like you’re doing it to express your gender,” she said. “Weren’t you the one who reminded me that gender is just performative? If you want to wear earrings because they make you feel girly, you should do it!”

            As always, Asuna was supportive and somehow knew the right thing to say. She truly was the perfect girlfriend. I shifted awkwardly in my seat and just nodded back at her, feeling a bit silly now that I’d said it aloud.

            “Do you want clip-ons, or are you thinking about getting them actually pierced?” she asked.

            A follow-up question that I hadn’t even thought would occur. I’d completely forgotten that some people wore clip-on earrings. There was no need to mope at all. Asuna clearly wasn’t belittling me for forgetting that, though. I sat back in the chair and thought about it. Clip-ons were cheaper probably. But getting the piercings themselves opened up a larger range of earrings, since I’d forgotten about clip-ons. Real piercings were easier to find in that regard.

            “I-I think I want to get my ears actually pierced,” I said.

            Asuna nodded.

            “Do you want me to show you where I got mine pierced?” she asked.

            Relief washed over me. She even had a place to go. Asuna was truly more useful than Google.

            “S-sure,” I stammered. “What all do I need to do?”

            She had me open up a note on my cellphone. She went over the steps to booking an appointment, and she gave me the phone number to the place she’d gotten her ears pierced at. She walked me through the kind of permissions papers I would need to have signed in order to get my ears pierced under eighteen, and she even gave some suggestions for at-home care. I told her I would talk it over with my mom and get back to her.

            The talk with my mom went just as smoothly as coming out to her. I suppose there is some benefit to having parents who aren’t so strict that they keep you in a little box. My mom was more than happy to sign the permission forms for booking the appointment, and she even offered to come with us. I told her that Asuna would be going with me. We booked an appointment together, and I shared the appointment time with Asuna. Asuna and I made plans to meet up just before the appointment and head over together, and my mom decided that she would see me later to see how the earrings turned out.

            I felt anxious excitement as the day of the appointment grew closer and closer. Questions filled my head about the process. I wondered how much it would hurt, whether there would be any blood, and how the earrings would look and feel in my ears. I thought about how soon I’d be able to change them out, what kinds of earrings I’d like to buy for myself, and how they would look with different outfit combinations. A fear started to settle in my stomach that I wouldn’t like having them actually pierced, and I wondered if I might be making a mistake.

            Seeing Asuna through the window as she walked up to my house on the day of the appointment helped to quell any uneasy feelings in my stomach. I’d made this decision after much thought as someone who greatly envied other girls for their ability to wear cute earrings. This wasn’t something I was just jumping into without prior thought, and if I was that eager to wear cute earrings, then I doubted I would start to regret the decision. I stepped out of the door with a newfound confidence in my step, and I greeted Asuna with a worriless smile.

            “Are you ready to get your ears pierced?” she asked, grinning at me.

            I gave her a quick “V” and kicked one foot up behind me.

            “I’m excited!” I announced.

            Asuna’s eyes glittered with anticipation. I suppose she’d been waiting to do something like this with me. I started to daydream about her complimenting the earrings I wore as we walked over to the piercing salon. I almost walked into people a few times. I was too caught up in the imagined joy of Asuna showering me with compliments about how cute I looked. I had to shake off that foggy daydreaming and focus on where I was going. I had to actually get the piercings before that could happen. For now, I had to focus on walking.

            The salon was a ways off. We had to take a train to get there, and by the time we arrived, I could feel the nerves coming back. I told Asuna I was a little worried about how it would feel. She reassured me that while it might hurt a little, the pain was quick and wouldn’t persist long. I found myself still slipping my hand in hers as we stepped through the door. I told the woman at the desk my name and appointment details. She checked me in at lightspeed, and before I knew it, I was in a chair, sitting with the body piercer. He was a pleasant guy who sat down next to me and started to talk me through the process.

            “So, we’re just piercing your lobes today, right?” he asked.

            I nodded.

            “Maybe other parts later,” I said. “I don’t know yet.”

            He laughed and nodded.

            “I totally understand,” he said. “Well, this is a pretty quick operation. I’m going to disinfect the area, and then I’ll use the earring backs on the needle to pierce your ears with, essentially. You’ll get to pick from one of these piercing sets, and then in a few weeks you can take them out and wear other pairs that you like. Anything I can clear up for you?”

            I hummed and bit my lip.

            “Does it hurt bad?” I asked. “My…girlfriend says it’s not so bad.”

            He shook his head.

            “It’s like a pinch,” he said. “You shouldn’t feel too much pain. I’ll give you some cleaning solution afterwards, and so long as you keep up with cleaning them while they heal, you shouldn’t feel any major pain. If you do feel major pain, call us back and we’ll walk through what happened. Usually a lot of pain means an infection, and we’ll recommend that you see a doctor.”

            I nodded.

            “Okay,” I said. “Bad pain probably just means I didn’t clean well.”

            He clicked his teeth and gave me a finger gun.

            “Exactly,” he said. “Well, Ms. Kirigaya, are you ready to pick out a starter set, then?”

            He showed me a few different pairs of starter earrings. Compared to the ones I really wanted to wear, they were simple. I had to tell myself that things went in a specific order here. Wearing them for the recommended time was important, and I didn’t want to get any infections. I could be patient and wait for the dangly, cute earrings I really wanted. I selected a pair of gold studs and leaned back in the chair to relax myself. I reminded myself over and over again for a few seconds that it would just be a quick pinch on either side, and then I would be free to go.

            “Alright, I’m going to go ahead and do the left ear,” he told me.

            I felt him apply the cold alcohol solution to my earlobe. It felt weird. He then began the piercing process. As he’d mentioned, it was a bit like a sharp pinch. It wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it being. He asked if I was okay, and when I nodded that I was, he repeated the process on the other side. When he was done, he wiped down the ears one more time for good measure, and then he held up a mirror in front of my face. My heart fluttered as I gazed at my reflection. The two golden studs were shining in my earlobes. Even something this simple made my gender euphoria rise. I smiled up at him.

            “Thank you so much!” I said. “I’m totally coming back for more later!”

            He just laughed and started walking me through the cleaning process. I jotted down the instructions on my phone in a new note, and I wound up paying for the solution as well as several pairs of earrings that were on sale in the shop. Asuna told me I might be going a bit overboard, but I told her that I couldn’t decide between some pairs, so I’d chosen to get them all. We left the shop hand-in-hand, and I happily hummed as I thought about the coming weeks.

            “Soon, I’ll get to wear the dangly ones!” I said with a happy sigh. “I’m so glad I did this.”

            Asuna squeezed my hand.

            “I’m glad you did, too,” she said. “You look absolutely adorable with your gold studs in. I can’t wait to see the others on you.”

            My face heated up. Hearing her say that made me feel insanely cute. I couldn’t resist the urge to lean over and kiss her on the cheek, even though we were walking down the sidewalk. I saw her cheeks redden a bit.

            “Kaz, we’re in public,” she mumbled, clearly embarrassed.

            I just smiled at her.

            “Sorry,” I said. “It just made my happy when you said that.”

            She squeezed my hand a second time.

            “I mean it,” she said. “You’re the most beautiful girl in the world, Kaz.”

            The heat reached critical temperatures. What did I do to deserve Asuna? By her side, I felt like I could accomplish anything. She was like a personal hype-woman. There were still numerous things we would have to tackle in life, and I knew I could tackle them all by her side.

Chapter Text

            There was one hurdle left that had been bothering me since I’d started to socially and physically transition. Having a really supportive girlfriend meant that a lot things I did felt easier, in a sense. I could take scary steps because she was by my side, researching with me, encouraging me, and hyping me up. Asuna was cool with anything. She told me how cute I was when I decided I wanted to present myself with these clothes or those clothes, she complimented my hair when I decided to grow it out, she changed the way she talked about me when I found names and nicknames that were more comfortable. She was the ideal partner in that sense, but it made one thing very awkward.

            Asuna and I had been sexually involved prior to my coming out as a trans woman. I hadn’t yet opted for any kind of bottom surgery yet, both because of the costs involved and because I hadn’t done a lot of research on how that would affect sex and worried about changing our sex life. Naturally, Asuna hadn’t pushed for us to have sex at all since my coming out, and we hadn’t done it. She told me we would tackle that when I was ready and only when I was ready. I loved her overwhelming support in that, but there was a deep-seated fear that if I changed myself with surgery or decided to offer a new way of having sex, Asuna might lose attraction to me.

            So, I’d kept that worry bottled up in my chest. I carried on life avoiding sex, and Asuna never once complained about it. But as time went on, I knew I couldn’t hold back forever. It was something we’d once done, and it wasn’t like I didn’t feel that attraction for her anymore. I felt it just as strongly as I had before transition. It was like a problem I felt I had to tackle alone. I needed to decide how I felt about sex, how much dysphoria it did or did not cause, and whether or not I would start saving for surgery. Those questions floated around in my head often when I was alone, just so I wouldn’t slip up and let them out in front of Asuna.

            Of course, there was nothing I knew in life to be stronger than Asuna’s sense of intuition. It didn’t seem to take her all that long to figure out that I was considering these things all on my own. No matter how much I held it in to myself, my brilliant girlfriend was well aware of every stray thought swimming around in my brain. I’d been tempted at times to ask her if she was telepathic, but that wasn’t very scientific. She just knew me well enough that she could tell what was bothering me, I supposed. Thus, despite having never said a word to Asuna that I was worried about our sex life moving forward because of more complicated thoughts about my own body and the mechanics of sex, she took it upon herself to convince me to voice my stirring thoughts.

            “Kaz, lately I can’t help but wonder if you’ve been considering bottom surgery,” she said.

            I groaned and put my head in my hands.

            “Was it that obvious?” I whined.

            She just giggled and reached over to take one of my hands in hers.

            “You left your browser window open the other day on your computer and it wasn’t asleep,” she noted. “You should really be more careful, what if you were looking at something private?”

            I felt my face flush with heat.

            “I-I wouldn’t leave anything weird up!” I stammered.

            She just laughed even more.

            “I know, I’m teasing,” she said. “But it’s clear that you’re thinking about bottom surgery. Do you want to talk about it at all?”

            Fidgeting with the bottom of the skirt I was wearing, I thought about what I should say to her. There were a lot of things going through my head, and they tossed and turned in my head so much that it made me toss and turn in bed. I hadn’t had second thoughts about taking HRT and testosterone blockers. A part of me felt so silly about being caught up on this one thing. I figured I should focus on the conflicting feelings I was experiencing first and foremost.

            “I guess I feel…mixed up,” I admitted.

            Asuna nodded.

            “How so?” she asked, stroking the back of my hand with her thumb to let me know she was trying to be comforting while I spoke.

            “I feel like I should know if I want bottom surgery or not by now,” I said. “Like, I knew that being flat-chested caused dysphoria. I knew that it felt weird to undress when we first tried shaving, and that it stemmed from you seeing me naked. I felt like if you saw me naked then, it would erase that feeling that you were looking at me like another girl. But it’s been so long since then. I know you wouldn’t look at me any differently than you do now if I were to just get naked right here.”

            Asuna chuckled.

            “That’s true,” she said. “I won’t look at you and think you’re anything but my beautiful girlfriend.”

            I nodded.

            “And that’s the problem,” I said.

            The words suddenly caught in my throat like glue. That hadn’t been how I’d meant that to come out. It sounded like I was critiquing her for looking at me as a woman without considering what was in my pants. I didn’t want her to think that I was upset about that. I loved that about her. She knew I was a woman, and that wasn’t tied to genitalia. Asuna had seen me naked before, for crying out loud. I smacked myself in the forehead.

            “I feel like you’re going to explain that better,” she said gently. “Take your time.”

            I nodded and drew in a deep breath.

            “The problem is that I’m really fixated on how I appear to you,” I said, this time thinking through my words. “If I think about it, I don’t feel dysphoric thinking about being naked in front of you and still having not had bottom surgery. But I’ve never taken the time to think about how I feel about myself down there on my own.”

            Asuna hummed for a moment in thought. She then nodded at me and smiled.

            “I think I get it,” she said. “Is there any way I can help you distance me from the situation?”

            There it was. Her willingness to help always hit right on the mark. This was the hardest part of the conversation, though. I knew exactly how she was going to react when I voiced the crux of the dilemma. But she wanted me to speak frankly to her so that I could overcome this indecision. If hearing her say it was what I needed in order to think critically about whether or not I wanted bottom surgery, then I had to voice the concern to her.

            “Please don’t laugh,” I said.

            Asuna shook her head.

            “Kaz, this is serious,” she said. “I would never laugh.”

            Swallowing, I nodded.

            “Asuna, I’m worried about sex,” I said. “I know how we did things before I started transitioning, and I know that you’ve been really patient with me, not rushing me into trying sex again until I’m comfortable. But the biggest problem is that I’m worried you won’t like if I change things or change how we have sex if I do decide I’m uncomfortable.”

            Frowning, Asuna pulled me into a quick hug.

            “Kazue!” she cried. “Don’t tell me you’re worried I would break up with you if you had bottom surgery!”

            I scrunched up in her arms.

            “A little,” I mumbled.

            She squeezed me tighter.

            “That is never going to happen!” she stressed. “I didn’t fall in love with you because of what I wanted sexually! I fell for you because you care about people, even when they’re NPCs like Kizmel. I fell for you because you took the time to teach me to be strong and own my strength. I fell for you because you’ll do anything for the people you love. You’re a kind person, Kazue. You make me laugh, you’re a shoulder to cry on, and you’re warm and gentle with me when we embrace. I love how excited you get when a quest has two big rewards instead of one. I love that you’d put yourself in a silly situation just to see if it breaks the game. And I love that you love sharing your love of VR with me. Kirigaya Kazue, I want to marry you and be with you forever. Nothing is going to change that!”

            My eyes started to fill up with tears as I heard her response. I curled up against her chest and quietly sobbed. I truly didn’t deserve her. Her love for me was sometimes more than I could fathom. She cradled me while I cried and stroked my hair. Once I’d recomposed myself, I stared down at my feet, unsure of where the conversation should go next. Thankfully, Asuna took the reins once more, making sure I had no room to doubt.

            “Don’t worry about what I do and don’t want in sex when thinking about this,” she said. “We’ll handle what we want together, okay? When thinking about whether or not to have this surgery, I want you to think about just these things.”

            I straightened up and listened closely to her.

            “One,” she said, “I want you to focus on how you feel about your physical body. Don’t think about me or sex, just think generally about your body. Ask yourself if you’re bothered by it. If you need to, look at yourself naked in a mirror. If touching or looking at your body or how your body feels touching your clothes bothers you at all, make note of that. If it’s about clothes, change fabrics or what kind of clothing you’re wearing to see if that feeling persists.”

            I thought about it for a moment.

            “So, basically, see if I’m comfortable with myself every day doing normal things like dressing, bathing, et cetera?” I clarified.

            She nodded.

            “Exactly!” she said. “Remove the sexual connotation from the situation and determine that. Yes, we’ll have sex in the future if and when you’re comfortable again. But you’ll spend a lot more time doing other things, too! If you’re happy to have certain things but only during sex, we can always supplement with something we buy.”

            I nodded along with her. It made sense when she put it that way. If I felt weird or dysphoric putting on panties every day but not while having sex, then it was likely that that one scenario or sex wasn’t enough to justify not doing the surgery.

            “For two, I want you to remove any stray thoughts about kids in your head,” she said. “I know they’re there. We’ve talked about giving Yui a little sister before you came out. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to feel like we need to try for a baby naturally. If that thought is still anywhere in your head, I want you to throw it away for now. If we really want kids but you want to have bottom surgery, there are so, so many kids we could foster or adopt. We can just move to a country where it’s legal for us and we can have that family somewhere a lot more accepting.”

            I let out a sigh of amazement. I hadn’t even been thinking of that in the moment, and yet she’d brought to the surface something that had crossed my mind a few times. Asuna truly did have a spot-on intuition with me.

            “And lastly, this is very important to keep in mind as well,” she said. “I want you to ignore the costs.”

            I let out a distressed sound.

            “But, Asuna, isn’t that kind of—” I started.

            She shook her head.

            “If it’s what you really want to do, you and I will work for it if your parents aren’t chipping in,” she said. “You have my full support, and that doesn’t just mean emotionally, Kazue. It also means financially. If you want to have bottom surgery, I will help you save up for it as your girlfriend and future wife.”

            Unable to hold myself back, I leapt up and threw my arms around her. She seemed a bit thrown off by it, being a bit off-balance when I landed against her, but she quickly recovered and wrapped her arms around me once more.

            “Thank you,” I mumbled.

            She kissed me on the cheek and rocked us back and forth a few times as we embraced.

            “There’s no need to be thanking me,” she said. “You’re a part of my life. I would give anything and everything to see you living happy and free from dysphoria.”

            I adjusted my head just enough to catch her lips in a kiss. We held one another in that embrace for what felt like an eternity. That eternity, sadly, had to come to an end. Her lips separated from mine, and she sat back, smiling at me brightly. Perhaps soon, a kiss could once again lead to something more. Asuna had helped me clear my head so that I could make a decision for myself based on myself and not around her.

            That night when I opened my browser to do more research, the worrying thought of what Asuna would think or how she would be affected during sex was mostly gone. It still lingered like a doubt in my head, coming back to want me to trip up, but I focused on what Asuna had told me earlier. This was something that had to be done for myself and myself alone. Everything after this decision would be made as a couple, since sex was between the two of us and not about making one individual happy. With her words of focus in my head, I plunged forward on a new adventure of self-discovery without any fear of what someone else, even Asuna, might think.

Chapter Text

            It’s hard to describe the feeling of progress. Progress isn’t always a straight line. It curves, it loops, and it sometimes halts altogether. Progress isn’t something fast or slow, but something in-between. Some parts fly by without you even realizing it. Others feel like they drag on, never getting anywhere. That’s how it felt to sum up progress in transition. There were so many moving parts. It was like beta testing, if I had to put it as a simile.

            When you’re beta testing a game, your whole goal is to stretch the limits of that game. You’re seeing what’s possible, learning new things, and also discovering where boundaries are. Transitioning often felt a lot like that. The more I learned and the more time progressed, the more I discovered about myself, about other trans people, and about life in general. And, like a beta test, there was no one necessarily trail-blazing ahead of me and leaving a detailed set of cheat codes to use for later. Self-discovery doesn’t get that kind of guide, unfortunately. Because it’s about you. No one else can discover you for you. Just like testing the limits in a beta test, I had to test my own limits as a human being.

            That isn’t to say that you’re completely without help. I couldn’t make the progress I made without the help of so many other trans people. Even as Asuna helped me find my way around online to seek the advice and help of other trans people, it often felt like a direct line from people who experienced similar things to me. Trans women from all over the globe shared their experiences with us, and I was able to learn about medical procedures, cosmetic tips, and even about social situations from trans women who lived in the same area. Thus, any time I celebrated milestones, I always remembered those trans women who didn’t know me who’d helped me immensely.

            Today was one of those days. It marked four years since I started my social transition. In four years, I’d socially transitioned by changing my name and falling in love with a style that I felt fit my personality. In four years, I’d come out to my parents and my friends and been surrounded by love and support beyond anything I could have dreamed of. In four years, I’d learned all about the ways I could physically transition, and I’d started things like HRT and testosterone blockers. Four years felt like a lot of progress, looking back on it. I’d changed my name, I’d changed my looks, and I’d changed my outlook on life. But none of those changed who I was deep down, and perhaps that was the most important lesson to learn today.

            As I looked over the cake my friends had baked me in celebration, I thought about all of the ways I hadn’t changed. Yes, the changes were all ones I’d wanted. They were all good things I’d chosen for myself. Deep down, though, I hadn’t suddenly become a different person. I was still the same girl who’d gone through SAO with Asuna, Lisbeth, Silica, Klein, and Agil. I was still the same girl who’d run to Asuna’s rescue in ALO. I was still the same girl who’d dived into GGO and taken on Death Gun at Sinon’s side. The only difference was that I could be that girl openly now. She was always me, and I was always her.

            “Goodness, Kaz-chan, you’re tearing up!” Asuna cried. “What’s the matter?”

            I shook my head and pressed my hands to my chest.

            “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I apologized. “It’s just…thinking about these past four years and even the years before it, when I met all of you. I didn’t think you’d all stick around when I decided to come out. I’m so grateful that you stayed by my side and have continued to be my friends.”

            My friends all lifted their glasses and gave me a grin.

            “Awe, Kazue, you sap!” Rika cried. “We love you, too, you big dork!”

            “Lis! Be nice!” Keiko said. “But, yeah! Kazue, you’re the best friend anyone could ask for! If anyone stopped being your friend because you wanted to be yourself around them, they’re not a good friend!”

            Ryoutarou and Andrew both nodded with approval.

            “If anyone’s got shit to say, send ‘em my way,” Ryoutarou said.

            “We are nothing but proud of you,” Andrew said.

            I locked eyes with Shino and she gave me a warm smile. She gave me a small nod.

            “I know you were really worried when you came out four years ago,” she said. “Worried you would lose everyone important to you. Even still, you worked up the courage, and now you’re still surrounded by everyone you love, family, friends, and girlfriend. We’re here to celebrate the changes in your transition, but I think you’re right, Kazue. Let’s celebrate the things that haven’t changed, too. Like our friendship. And your big heart.”

            I wanted to cry right then and there. My friends started to move closer to me to wrap their arms around me and give me a tight squeeze. They couldn’t all fit in one hug nicely, so they wound up piling up in the most awkward group hug ever. I couldn’t cry when they were doing things like this that made me laugh from the depths of my stomach. A girl couldn’t ask for a greater friend group than this one.

            The party commenced with the cutting of the celebratory cake. Shino made sure I got the biggest slice, even though I insisted that we try to cut it as evenly as possible. The group wouldn’t hear it. I was handed my big slice of cake, and we enjoyed eating our snacks and chatting about life as we did. After our round of snacks, we cleaned off our hands and dove back into the first console game we’d played together at the sleepover—that same dusty old copy of Mariokart my mom had pulled out for the occasion. We took turns with the remotes, splitting into teams of people cheering for those at the wheel if we didn’t have one in-hand.

            Other games were pulled out as well. Plenty of people brought card games and board games to try our hands at. While it was a celebration of my transition, it mostly just felt like a party celebrating our friendship. I couldn’t have asked for more. I was surrounded by these people I’d formed bonds with, and we were sharing in these beautiful, mundane activities together. It was the life I think we’d all wanted when we were trapped back in SAO. And we had it now. We could laugh and joke and share to our heart’s content. We had all the time in the world.

            In that vein, progress isn’t about taking constant steps forward alone. Progress is taking steps in whatever direction you need to with people by your side. Those people do exist. I once lived in a lonely world, one where I thought I had to take on the beta test that is life alone. I branded myself as a solo player. But the only way I was able to take steps of progress was with these friends at my side. They gave me the strength to discover myself, and I’m sure that I give them that strength as well. I wouldn’t have gotten this far without them. I wonder if I would have gotten far at all.

            So, in this game of life, it’s important to remember that we aren’t supposed to play on solo mode. Life will always be a co-op round, and you have to pick your teammates wisely. I can’t lie and say that it’s easy for all of us. Sometimes, finding those teammates can be hard. Those people who you can really trust to support you when you’re not playing at your full potential. Don’t give up hope. Those people are out there. Those people are likely searching for you, too. And when you find one another, it’ll give you exactly the buffs you need to overcome the next level.

            As my friends all gave one last toast to our bond, my house erupted in cheers. We had overcome so much together. I was glad that I could stand here, alive and well, having survived the death game and had the freedom to learn who I was, and cheer at the top of my lungs as a celebration of life and how wonderful it is. Because one important thing did change in those four years. And it had nothing to do with my transition. What changed for me was self-love.

            When I stared in the mirror that night, after everyone had gone home, I smiled at myself, quietly picturing the Kirito of years ago staring back at me. She looked completely different than I do now. But she smiled at me as we pressed our hands together on either side of the reflection. I could finally accept her as myself. Even if she wasn’t the face I wanted to see in the mirror. Even if she had made bad choices. Even if she wouldn’t have accepted me then. I accepted her for who she was, knowing that she was scared and just wanted a reason to love herself.

            “We have that reason now,” I whispered, as if my past self could hear me. “Thank you for not giving up on our future.”

            All of this to say: don’t play this game called life without finding those people. We’re out here, ready to support you, even if it’s from far away. Because it’s hard to play a difficult game with no cheat codes available.