Archive of Our Own

Beca was trying. That was all she could do.

“Do you need a ride?”

“No, Tasha’s picking me up.”

“Oh, okay.”

The scrape of forks against plates didn’t do much to fill the silence after that. Beca was trying, but she was falling short. She felt it in her whole body, a desperate need to be better, to be good at this, to give her everything Beca had to offer.

Especially on her birthday.

She’d woken up early to make her breakfast, pancakes and bacon and some orange juice. She’d given her a hug, wished her happy birthday, tried to express her love in these ways. She had never been good at this, and she’d only gotten worse, more lost and confused, as time went on.

The distance between them had never felt greater than this.

“Well do you have plans later? With your friends or something?”

“No, I don’t think so. Maybe this weekend.”

Beca nodded, watching as she got up from the table, put her dishes in the sink, checked her phone.

“Well, I’ll order something for us. Chinese or something. That place you like. That sound okay?”

“Sure.” She slung her backpack over her shoulder. “Gotta go. Tasha’s here.”

“Okay well. Be safe. Come home after school or text me if you go anywhere and tell me with who.”

She rolled her eyes, the most emotion she’d shown Beca all morning. It almost made Beca feel normal. “I know, Mom.”

“Okay. I love you.”

“Yeah. Love you too.”

She went to leave, hesitated at the picture on the wall in the hallway. Beca felt her throat closing and had to bite her lip. Then she was gone, out the front door, and getting further away from Beca every day.

//

Beca remembered the day she was born clearly in her mind.

Emily had wanted three kids. Beca had wanted two.  They started with one, as most people do. Beca had been nervous, which was to be expected, she had thought, but the expectation did nothing to curb the nerves.

Could she do this? She hadn’t ever really considered having kids until she met Emily, but Emily had made her want things she never thought she would. Marriage. A house in the suburbs. Kids.

She guessed it was a common anxiety for children of divorce, the whole not wanting to screw your kids up like your parents did to you thing, but she had Emily. And Emily made her hopeful, made her brave, made her think that maybe, just maybe, they could do this. As long as they were together, they could do anything.

So they’d talked about it, went to the doctor, did the whole sperm donor circus. Then one day, it happened. Emily was pregnant.

Beca had cried when she found out. Literal tears. Of fear and anxiety, but happiness, too, because Emily brought it out in her. Emily made insecurities shrink, made hope grow. Emily was Beca’s heartbeat, the steady constant that kept her going.

It was both the shortest and longest nine months of Beca’s life. One day they were dealing with morning sickness and cravings and then Beca blinked and Emily was having contractions. One minute Beca was squeezing Emily’s hand and Emily was pushing, and the next, a cry was piercing the room.

That’s all it took. A minute. One minute and Beca’s world shifted. The doctor placed her in Beca’s arms and Beca stared down at her tiny brown eyes, and she changed. She had always thought the world was big, but at that moment it wasn’t. That moment she held the world in her hands and she was small.

So small.

The doctor claimed she was taller than average, but Beca had never seen such a tiny human before. She was scrunched and wrinkly and pink. She was beautiful, Beca thought, and she was theirs.

Beca remembered it clearly, that day.

On March 14th, Beca’s third heartbeat, her steady constant, her reason to go forward, came into this world.

At 3:48am, Ellie Mitchell-Junk was born.

//

It hadn’t been perfect, but it had been good, and Beca knows in this life, that’s all you can really hope for.

The first twelve years hadn’t been easy, but Beca found she didn’t have as much trouble relating to kids as she thought. Kids just weren’t that complicated. They wanted something, they told you. Sure, they might cry about it, but at least they were straight-forward. That’s more than Beca could say about eighty percent of her adult peers.

Beca supposed Ellie was easier than most kids. She was patient and sensitive. She laughed easily, found joy in most things. Beca had a good relationship with her, something she almost couldn’t fathom when she compared it to her own childhood and the relationship she had with her parents.

She guessed it was Emily’s influence. Emily, who made everyone around her just a little better, a little kinder. Beca always felt awkward in her parenting (was she doing this right? was she screwing everything up?), but Emily made it easier. They were a team, and together, Beca thought at least, together they were good.

It was twelve years of guitar and piano lessons, soccer games, school events. Beca had never seen herself as the type to get invested in that kind of thing, but she was. She liked cheering from the sidelines, liked watching Ellie grow and smile and learn. She liked leaning into Emily’s side and feeling proud. That was their awesome person! And she was happy and thriving! Sure, it wasn’t all smiles all the time, but overall, it was good.

Beca could trace the change almost directly to the time that Ellie started middle school. It was like the flipping of a switch. One day she was Beca’s little girl, happy and free, and the next, Beca was the worst Mom in the whole world, God, you totally don’t even understand me at all!

It nearly gave her whiplash, how quickly Ellie went from always laughing and wanting to spend time with Beca to moody and sullen and emotional.

They argued all the time. They would snark at each other and yell and say things they didn’t mean until one of them would storm off or Emily would step in and make them cool down. It drove Beca crazy, absolutely nuts. She didn’t understand her own daughter and that made her anxious and frightened and frustrated.

“She’s a teenager,” Emily had said one night after they had gone to bed and Beca was trying to express all this. “She’s going through changes.”

“She’s like a completely different person,” Beca had exclaimed. “She says I don’t understand her, and you know what, she’s absolutely right!”

Emily had shaken her head at that, chuckling. She pulled Beca tighter to her chest, her nose in Beca’s hair. “You know why you butt heads all the time, right?”

“Because she’s irrational and fueled by crazy teen hormones?”

“Oh my God, Beca, please.” She could feel Emily’s smile against her neck. “It’s because you guys are the same.”

Beca had almost taken offense to that. Almost. “What? No, we aren’t.”

“You’re both so stubborn and moody and headstrong.”

“I’m not moody!”

“Sure.”

Beca had grumbled at that. “It’s like I don’t even know her anymore, I swear.”

“So why don’t you try getting to know her?”

“I do all the time, but we have nothing in common anymore. I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

Emily had hummed tiredly. “I think you have more in common than you realize.”

“Like what?”

“If I tell you then you won’t get the chance to find out on your own.”

“Wow. That’s lame, Emily. So lame.”

Emily laughed. “I love you. And she loves you. And you love her. It’s not rocket science.”

Beca sighed. “I just… Sometimes I wish she would’ve stayed like, five forever. She was really cute then. And she didn’t understand sarcasm.”

There was a pause while Emily yawned. Beca felt her shoulders slumping as she snuggled in closer, relaxing into bed. “Yeah,” Emily murmured, her voice going distant as she started to fall asleep. “Just wait until she starts dating.”

Beca froze, horror rising in her chest. “What? Why would you say that right now? Are you trying to give me an anxiety attack?”

“Mhmm,” Emily hummed, fading out. Beca snorted, unhappy with this revelation, but she let it go.

“Thank God I have you, Em,” Beca whispered as Emily drifted off to sleep. “I love you. I would be so fucking lost if you weren’t here. I literally could not do this without you.”

She had no idea then how much truth there was in that statement.

//

Beca remembered the day clearly. She’d never forget it, not one detail.

It had started as a normal day, but Beca figured, in the days later, that the worst days of your life usually do.

Beca had been late getting out of the studio, had a meeting with a client run long, and she’d been rushing out of the building on her way to her car. She was just thinking she needed to call Emily and apologize for being late when her phone rang, Emily’s name lighting up on the caller ID.

“Hey babe,” Beca said, pressing the phone to her ear. “Sorry, I’m on my way, I got held up and --”

“Mom?”

Beca paused, her fingers halfway to the door handle of her car. It sounded like Ellie, but it also didn’t. “Ell?”

“Mom, there… we…” Ellie took a shaky breath, audible even through the phone.

A horrible feeling rose in Beca’s stomach, a premonition of worse things to come. She suddenly knew. She knew before she knew. “Ell? Are you there?”

“There was an accident on our way home from practice. This guy. And Mama? And me. And…” The breaths on the other end were coming faster, the words incoherent.

“I can’t understand you, honey. Where are you? Is everyone okay?”

“No.” Ellie rasped, her voice too high, too thin. “You have to come, please, I don’t know what to do. Please come.” Ellie was sobbing now, in a way Beca had never heard her cry. It didn’t seem possible for such a deep cry to come from a fourteen year old.

Beca opened the car door, her whole body shaking. She was going on autopilot. “Okay, I’m coming. I’m coming right now. Where are you?”

Ellie let out another harsh sob. “We’re at the hospital.”

//

It had been a car accident. An elderly man who had fallen asleep at the wheel. In the days after, Beca wanted to care about that detail, wanted to be angry and upset about it, but she was just numb. She only felt grief.

She wouldn’t forget it, the first image of Ellie she saw. Beca remembered thinking, strangely, that Ellie looked small. She’d been standing in the hallway outside the ICU waiting room, her arms wrapped around herself, and Beca had only thought, she looks so small.

Beca hadn’t thought that in a long time, not since Ellie started growing up, had shot a few inches past Beca to match Emily in height, was constantly needing new shoes and pants because she kept growing out of them. But there she was against the backdrop of the white hospital walls, and Beca had thought she looked small.

So small.

“Ell?”

Ellie turned to look at her, her eyes deep and scared. Beca pulled her close, Ellie’s arms still wrapped around herself between them. Her forehead slumped onto Beca’s shoulder, harsh sobs ripping from her lungs.

Beca had often felt helpless as a parent, but never like she did then. Then it was nearly unbearable.

“I got you,” she murmured, squeezing Ellie tight. “I’m here.”

“She’s in surgery,” Ellie gasped. “It’s not good. I’m scared.”

“I’m scared, too.”

They sat in the waiting room for what seemed like hours but could’ve been minutes. Beca in her work clothes, Ellie in her practice uniform, Beca’s leather jacket, too short for her arms, pulled around her.

Beca didn’t know how long they waited. She had not had it in her to look at the time, but every second she sat there, a small crumb of hope grew in her chest. No news was good news. If Emily was de -- if she was gon-- well they would’ve heard. The doctor would’ve told them. The longer they waited, it meant they were still trying, there was still hope.

Emily had always been hope.

Finally, the doctor came to them. Ellie lifted her head off Beca’s shoulder and Beca stood up and hoped.

Because Emily could not be gone, it just wasn’t possible. Emily was Beca’s heartbeat, her steady constant, her reason to keep going.

But the doctor looked at them, and before he said anything, Beca wished, for the smallest second, that Emily had never given her hope. Because before he even opened his mouth, Beca knew.

Emily was gone.

//

That had been almost two years ago.

Beca had thought in the days following that she wouldn’t be able to keep going. She didn’t know how to do this without Emily. She didn’t know how to be okay with things, how to move on, how to raise a teenager, not if Emily wasn’t there.

But somehow she did.

One day at a time, she did.

It was not good, but she did, and Beca knew in this life that sometimes, that’s all you could ask for.

Everything was different after that. Everything changed. Not just their routines, their days, how they felt -- but them.

Beca didn’t feel like herself. She felt small. She knew she was small, but she’d never felt small, but after Emily died, she felt smaller than she ever had. She felt weak and frail, like she might cry at the drop of a hat.

Ellie was different, too. Quiet. Unemotional.

There had been tears, at the beginning. So many tears. And Beca, who had never been good at comforting crying girls, even her own daughter, had tried her best. She had held Ellie, let her cry. She had let Ellie sleep in their bed, on Emily’s side, until it stopped smelling like Emily. Surprisingly, Beca had felt more like a mom in those months after than she’d ever felt in the first fourteen years.

Eventually Ellie cried herself out. She went back to her own room. She went back to school and Beca went back to work, and somehow, they kept going forward.

Beca wasn’t sure how, but they did.

//

 Ellie had been fourteen then, and she was sixteen now, and Beca couldn’t believe so much time had passed. Beca was on the other side of forty, and as she sat at the kitchen table and listened to the door close behind her daughter, she looked at her hands and thought they must belong to a stranger.

They were starting to show signs of age, to have deeper lines etched into the skin. She felt old. She felt tired. She missed Emily, who had brought a vibrant youthfulness to life. Emily had always made her feel young.

Beca got up from the table. Walked into the hallway. Looked at the picture on the wall that Ellie had hesitated at before going off to school.

Beca remembered taking it. The day at the beach. Emily, looking as beautiful as she always did to Beca, like she was brighter than the sun. Ellie, ten or so, and looking more and more like Emily every day.

She had the same nose. The same smile, a little gap between her front teeth. The same eyes.

Beca had made them pose, but they had been too busy laughing at something Ellie had said. Beca had taken the picture anyway, captured them mid-giggle as they smiled at each other. She loved that picture, so she’d had it blown up to size and hung it on the wall. Her girls. Happy and healthy and beautiful.

Beca liked to imagine Emily was on a beach now. She probably wasn’t, but Beca could wish. Maybe Emily was digging her toes into the warm sand the way she loved to do. A salty sea-breeze flowing through her hair. Her face turned toward the sun.

Tears pricked at Beca’s eyes as she looked at the picture. Ellie was so young. Could that laughing carefree girl really be the same one who went toe to toe with Beca as a teenager? Could she be the same girl who’d turned silent and still in the wake of her mother’s death?

Suddenly it was overwhelming, the idea of Ellie growing older. Beca’s tears came fast as panic hit her. She slid down the wall, brought her knees to her chest.

Ellie was only now sixteen, only now about to drive and date and start looking at colleges.

God, Beca was so far in over her head. She wondered, for the millionth time, how on Earth was she going to do this without Emily? Emily, who had understood Ellie so much better than Beca did. Emily, who was patient and kind. Emily, who had called Beca out on her shit and made Beca better.

How could she do this?

She couldn’t do this.

Somehow, she had to do this.

//

Part of the pain, Beca thought, was that they were living in ways Emily hadn’t wanted them to live.

As Ellie got older, Emily had encouraged her to try new things, to express herself in new ways. She had wanted them all to communicate, to not keep things bottled up, to show love as often as possible. With Emily, they hadn’t been perfect, but they had tried. In the wake of Emily’s death, though, they had both shut down.

Ellie had quit soccer, had stopped her music lessons, hadn’t shown an interest in boys or driving or much of anything. They both had been too heavy, too tired, for these things after Emily’s death, and they had never brought it up again as days turned to weeks.

Beca tried -- half-heartedly she’d admit, but she tried -- to convince Ellie to take up soccer again as a sophomore, but she hadn’t wanted to and Beca had been afraid of a fight, afraid of who they’d become without Emily as a buffer between them, so she’d let it go.

She hadn’t tried as hard to talk about things. It hurt too much. They both knew Emily was the better parent, the one who was good at comfort and advice and listening. And what was there to say anyway? They were grieving. There would never be anything to fill the hole that Emily had left, so why even bother?

So instead they sat quietly, the two of them. They’d gotten good at that. At small talk, idle chit chat, the stuff that didn’t take so much effort. They’d exchange facts about their days and then ease into eating in silence. Sometimes it wasn’t so hard. Sometimes they found reasons to smile, reasons to laugh, even if their laughs were hollow and did not sound like their laughs at all.

Beca knew she was lousy at this, but she was trying. That’s all she could do.

Most days, she got along okay, somehow putting one foot in front of the other until it was time to go to sleep and wake up and do it all over again.

Other days, it was all she could do to keep going. Sometimes the grief gripped her so tightly she couldn’t breathe. She’d hold it in, a strained inhale, until she was safe in her bed with the door closed, and then she would cry, hot and silent tears soaking her pillow until the early hours of the morning.

She knew she wasn’t good at this, but she could keep it together on the outside for Ellie, even if on the inside she felt only a very deep pain. Outwardly, she had to keep going, keep moving forward.

She didn’t know how, but she had to.

//

“I spoke to your grandma today.”

Ellie looked up at her, twirling her fork around her fingers. “Grandma Dee or Grandma Katherine?”

“Grandma Katherine.”

“Oh.”

Beca nodded. She took a sip of her water. Moved food around her plate. “She wants us to come visit over the summer. For a week or two.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Do you want to?”

Ellie shrugged. “If you want us to.”

Beca wasn’t sure she wanted to, but she felt she had to. “It might be nice. We haven’t really seen her since… Well. In awhile.”

“Yeah.”

“We could go to the beach.”

Ellie nodded. Took a sip of lemonade. “Mmmkay.”

“Last time we went you wouldn’t shut up about that boy next door, what was his name? Mike?”

Ellie froze. “Matt.”

“Right, Matt. Maybe he’ll be there. You guys could hang. You could tell him about your crush on him or whatever.”

Ellie’s lips twitched, an almost smile. The small movement made Beca ache. She looked so much like Emily sometimes. “Please stop.”

“What? He’s cute, right?”

“You’re embarrassing me.”

“Yeah, for sure. It’s one of my few talents.”

Ellie did smile then, small but true, as she pushed up from the table. A warmth fluttered in Beca’s chest. “I’m leaving this conversation now.”

“Do your homework.”

“I know, Mom.”

“I love you.”

Ellie rolled her eyes as she walked into the hallway. “Yeah yeah.”

“Sorry, what was that?”

“I said I love you, too, jeez.”

Sighing, Beca slumped in her chair as Ellie thumped up to her room. She waited, almost expecting loud music to drift down the stairs, but it was quiet. Ellie didn’t listen to music much anymore, or if she did, she did so quietly or through her headphones.

Beca missed it. The way Ellie would put on some new pop song Beca didn’t know, singing along as she did her homework. She had a nice voice, like Emily, and Beca had often laughed as she and Emily would clean up after dinner, Emily dancing like a goofball and singing the wrong lyrics on purpose to drive Beca crazy. She’d pull Beca closer, laughter pressing between them as she’d push Beca against the sink, giving her slow kisses while Ellie sang along upstairs, completely unaware.

Now it was just this. Just Beca and the clink of silverware, the running of water. There was no Emily, no music.

It was just Beca, and Ellie, and the heavy quiet.

//

Beca had always hated flying. She’d had to do it when she was younger, back and forth between her parents’ houses in Washington and Atlanta, and she’d never liked it.

She didn’t like the swoop in her stomach when the plane took off, the jolt as the wheels bounced on landing. She’d never liked the popping in her ears, the idea that there was nothing between her and empty sky but this abominable metal contraption.

“It’s witchcraft,” she’d told Emily the first time they’d flown together, off to visit Emily’s parents in Ohio. “Like, we’re literally flying through the air right now? What the fuck?”

“It’s not witchcraft,” Emily had laughed. “It’s science and engineering.”

“It’s horrible is what it is.”

Emily had smiled at her, the scrunchy way she did when she thought Beca was being ridiculous but cute. She’d offered Beca one of her earbuds and turned the music up so loud Beca couldn’t hear the low hum of the plane, the dead air circulating above. Then she grabbed Beca’s hand, tangling their fingers together on Beca’s lap, not caring that they didn’t have the row to themselves, that the man on the aisle was eyeing their clasped hands with unmasked disapproval.

“If we go down,” Emily teased, “I’ll make sure to put your safety mask on before mine. Even if it’s against the rules.”

“You better not,” Beca had scoffed. “And leave me behind as the guilty survivor? No fucking way.”

Emily just laughed and closed her eyes, tightening her grip on Beca’s hand as she settled back in her seat, the way she’d done whenever they flew after that, every time without fail. The time they visited Beca’s mom in Washington. Their flight to the Virgin Islands for their honeymoon. Their family vacation to Disney World when Ellie was six. Emily would give Beca one of her earbuds, grab her hand, and fall asleep.

Beca hadn’t thought about it before then, her first flight without Emily, but as they boarded the plane to Ohio, it suddenly occurred to her that she hadn’t flown without Emily in over twenty years. The realization made her hands shake, even though she knew it was stupid. She knew they’d be fine, people flew every day without incident.

It’s just that there were still so many new ways to miss Emily, and it hadn’t occurred to her that this was one she’d have to face that day.

“Can I put this up?”

Beca nodded, taking her elbow off the armrest between her aisle seat and Ellie’s middle one. Ellie lifted the armrest and slouched in her seat, her hood pulled over her head as she stuffed her headphones in her ears and frowned at the man in the window seat. He had his legs spread wide, his elbow poking into Ellie’s space.

Ellie hadn’t inherited Beca’s fear of flying, just her annoyance at the hassle of it.

Beca heard her huff, and then she scooted over, more toward Beca. Her arms crossed over her chest, her long legs in their baggy sweatpants opening wide enough to match her annoying counterpart on her left. Beca almost smiled, but she couldn’t unclench her teeth.

“You alright?” Ellie was looking at her and Beca nodded.

“Yeah,” she rasped. Ellie’s eyes had that concerned depth to them. They were Emily’s eyes. “Good.”

Ellie raised an eyebrow. “Really? Because you look like crap. You’re all pale.”

Beca grunted at the language but decided not to comment. “I’m fine.”

“Kay, whatever.” Ellie rolled her eyes. “I’m going to sleep then.”

She leaned into Beca’s side, away from the man in the window seat, and closed her eyes. Soon enough, minutes after takeoff, her head slumped onto Beca’s shoulder at an angle only someone who was deeply asleep wouldn’t care about. One of her earbuds slipped from her ears and Beca could hear the faint tinny of music playing.

Beca breathed. Relaxed her shoulders. Focused on the abstract sound coming from the dangly earbud. She closed her eyes and unclenched her jaw, the solid warmth of Ellie against her side an unexpected comfort.

Then surprisingly, unbelievably, she too drifted off to sleep.

//

 The Junks had always been welcoming, ever since Beca met them in her college years. Emily’s dad was awkward but amicable. Her mom was enthusiastic and warm. Emily was a perfect mix of them, quirky and strange and smiley, and they’d taken to Beca the same way Emily had -- quickly and without reservations.

It was no surprise to Beca that they were Ellie’s favorite grandparents. Beca liked them more than she liked her own parents, so why wouldn’t Ellie? Katherine was the type to spoil, to send money and buy Ellie new gadgets and the kind of clothes she actually liked. Not like Beca’s mom, who sent Ellie savings bonds and lacy, intricate blouses, even though Ellie had shown a preference for simple hoodies and band tees since she was thirteen. Beca had exchanged a dozen gifts of strappy sandals for Vans and new soccer cleats over the years.

“Elizabeth Marie, get your cute butt over here.”

“Hi Grandma Katherine.”

Beca watched as Katherine took Ellie’s cheeks between her palms and squeezed. “What does a lady have to do to get her granddaughter to call every once in awhile?”

“You could try texting her,” Beca suggested. “She usually responds really fast. Unless it’s me.”

“Ha ha,” Ellie scowled. “You’re hilarious, Mom.”

Katherine just laughed. “You know, Ellie, when I met your mom she would’ve died before making that joke.”

Beca snorted. “Well, I’m old now. Gotta make old people jokes.”

“Hard to believe there was a time you didn’t make old people jokes,” Ellie deadpanned. “If only I could’ve been alive then, I wouldn’t have to suffer.”

“Don’t be rude, Ellie.”

“I’m just saying.”

Katherine squeezed them both into a hug. “Oh, I've missed you girls! Come inside and get settled. Beca will get a sunburn standing out here in the sun like this.”

They migrated into the house, pulling their suitcases behind them and up to the guest room. In the past, Beca had shared it with Emily while Ellie slept on the air mattress downstairs. Ellie had offered to sleep down there again, but Beca told her it wasn’t necessary. She didn’t want to say it, but the idea of sleeping in there alone when she’d shared it with Emily in the past made a cloud of depression swirl inside her. She feared she’d let the alone-ness eat her up and spit her out worse for wear.

They spent a few hours catching up in the kitchen. Katherine made them lunch and gossipped about her book club and her old friends from college. Ellie and Beca gave evasive answers to questions about their hobbies and happenings and Beca cringed every time. It was almost too obvious how barely functioning they were without Emily. She pushed through every time, changing the subject back to Katherine and her life.

After about two hours, Ellie yawned. “Grandma, is it alright if I go take a nap? I’m feeling a little jetlagged.”

“Of course, sweetheart.”

Ellie pushed up from the table, giving Katherine a kiss on the cheek before disappearing out of the kitchen.

“She’s getting so tall,” Katherine commented with a laugh.

“Yeah,” Beca agreed. “It wouldn’t surprise me too much if she ends up hitting six feet. She’s already taller than Emily was.”

Katherine smiled at her across the table. “She looks like her.”

“More and more each day.”

“She seems like she’s doing okay. Better.”

Beca hummed noncommittally. “I think so.”

Katherine gave her a knowing look. “How are you, Beca? Honestly.”

Beca shrugged. Swirled her coffee around in its mug. Looked out the window. “Trying,” she said at last. “One day at a time.”

“You look tired.” Katherine reached over and put her hand on Beca’s cheek. “And skinny.”

“I don’t sleep much,” Beca admitted. She sighed, uncomfortable. “How are you, though? How are you holding up?”

“Oh,” Katherine waved her hand in the air nonchalantly. “I have my distractions. They’re all I can ask for. But don’t change the subject. How are you dealing? Anyone special in your life?”

Beca blanched, choking on the sip of coffee she just took. “Special? No. God, no. I can’t. Ellie. And, well me. It’s a bad time. No, no, of course not.”

Katherine raised an eyebrow. “It’s been two years. Emily wouldn’t want to see you unhappy, honey.”

“No, right, yeah.” Beca scratched at her nose. “I’m just, you know. Meeting people isn’t uh, happening really? And I wouldn’t want to upset Ellie, it’s like you said… she’s doing better and I just… it’s not… something I need.”

“Hmm.” Katherine nodded. “Well, sure, but it doesn’t have to be a relationship or anything serious. Just to let loose and scratch the itch.”

Beca’s face flamed. She’d forgotten how overt Emily’s mom could be. Or maybe she just hadn’t expected it in the wake of their grief. “There’s no… itch. I’m itch-free.”

“Okay, honey, I’m just saying there’s no shame in it. Emily wouldn’t want you to be alone forever. In fact, I’d imagine that she’d insist that you aren’t.”

“Right, yeah, sure.” A horrible anxiety suddenly twisted in her chest. “Um you know, I think I’m gonna nap, too. But I’ll uh, talk to you at dinner.”

Katherine just gave her a last motherly glance and gestured toward the stairs. Beca booked it out of there as quickly as dignity would allow her to move. She tramped up the stairs and into the guest room, trying not to let the thickness in her throat manifest as tears.

Ellie was already asleep, her cheek pushed into the pillow and covers around her. Beca looked at her for a long moment, slowing her racing heart, pushing down the anxiety. Then she slumped in bed next to her, covering her face with her hands.

One day at a time, she reminded herself. She could do this. One day at a time.

//

They spent the next week in the sunshine.

The Junks’ new house was on Lake Erie, so they walked to the beach and lazed about, enjoying the sun and people watching. They went into town and ate at the little restaurants where everyone knew Katherine, who loved to gush about Ellie on and on.

Beca could tell Ellie hated the attention. She was always polite and humored her Grandma with conversation, but she’d immediately disappear to the bathroom or outside afterward for a few minutes. Beca’d caught her on more than one occasion standing in front of a store or restaurant with her earbuds in, arms crossed as she stared off into space. Ellie had always been like that, though, wary of attention and praise. Something about it struck a chord in Beca, deeper and deeper as Ellie got older, and especially since Emily had died.

Beca guessed she never realized how much the two of them relied on Emily to be the social butterfly in their family. She and Ellie had often stood back to watch Emily shine, to make conversation and laugh while they hovered in the background, relieved they didn’t have to.

They were alike in that way. Introverted and reluctant. Not around each other so much, not with Emily, but with others. It was something Beca hadn’t really realized they had in common, not until Emily had gone and they were forced to fill the awkward spaces in conversation that Emily always had.

They both would rather disappear into themselves, into their headphones, into a good song that could say the things they never could.

//

It was hard being around Emily’s parents again. Emily was the constant missing piece that they tried to avoid bringing up, but sometimes it was inevitable.

Sometimes they’d mention something of the past, an old memory, and they’d stutter over her name. Beca’s mouth would feel dry after she said it, like her throat was made of sandpaper. Her heart would seize up for a moment and she’d knead her hands into her thighs, uncomfortable.

Then it would pass. She’d breathe again. Relax her shoulders. Watch Ellie tilt her head, listening to Katherine go on about when Emily was little or when she and Beca were in college. Beca would be swept back to a time when things were easier, when Emily was young and alive and Beca was hopelessly in love.

It hurt to remember, but it hurt to forget, too. Beca didn’t know which hurt more. Forgetting left her numb, but remembering hurt so much she couldn’t breathe, and the ache would linger until she was hidden away in the dark, and then it swelled up like a wave, slow and then crashing.

Usually she was alone, but in that place, with so many memories of Emily always leaving her aching, Beca wasn’t. Ellie was next to her, breathing deeply into the darkness, and Beca felt every memory in her chest, a dam of pressure building and building until one night she couldn’t hold it back.

She gasped, clenching her eyes shut on the tears.

She couldn’t cry, not now. Not when Ellie was sleeping a few feet away. Because if Beca cried, if she wasn’t okay, then how would they be okay? If Beca wasn’t going forward then how could Ellie?

“Mom?”

Beca cringed, horrified. She swallowed, but her voice was watery when she finally responded. “Yeah?”

“Is um… Is everything alright?”

“Mhmm.” But it wasn’t. Beca wasn’t. They weren’t.

Ellie shifted, her head lifting off the pillow. Beca covered her face, exhaling thickly, and suddenly she distinctly remembered a time when she was twelve, the first time she saw her own mother cry after a fight with her dad. She had felt so helpless. It was wrong, she had thought, to see your mom cry. Moms were the ones who comforted you when you cried.

Beca could feel the tension between them and she wanted to get up, to go in the bathroom or somewhere else, but that didn’t feel right either. She huffed out a breath.

“I’m okay,” she murmured. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

Ellie moved suddenly, closing the small distance between them. She draped her long arm over Beca’s middle and gave a small tug. Beca gasped out a sob, her whole body shaking with it as Ellie pulled her into a hug.

“I’m okay,” she repeated, like if she said it enough she would be. “I’m fine.”

“I got you,” Ellie said, her voice sad. Gingerly, she tucked Beca into her arms, and it made Beca cry harder. She shouldn’t have to be comforted by her teen daughter. She was the mom, the strong one, the one who was supposed to be okay.

“I’m sorry,” Beca garbled out. She meant it about so many things.

Ellie didn’t say anything, just squeezed Beca tighter. Beca forced herself to breathe, to push back the tears. After a minute, she took a deep breath and pulled away, back to her own side of the bed. Shakily, she brought her hands up to wipe at her face, exhaling sharply.

“I’m good,” she said from behind her hands. She sighed, letting them drop. “I’m good.”

Ellie was looking at her, her expression solemn and sad. “I hear you some nights. Crying when you think I’m asleep.”

Beca didn’t know what to say to that. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Ellie shrugged. “You shouldn’t pretend you don’t miss her. I miss her.”

“Yeah.” Beca took another deep breath. Shifted onto her back. “It’s hard being here. It’s hard being home. It’s just hard all the time.”

Ellie rolled on her back, mirroring Beca’s position. They both stared at the ceiling for a long time. Finally, Ellie broke the silence.

“I’m sorry I make it harder for you.”

Beca frowned. “What?”

“Because I look like Mama. I… I overheard you the other day with Grandma. I know I look like her a lot and that probably makes you sad because you miss her and I remind you of her.”

Beca turned her head. Ellie’s voice was even, but a tear was rolling down her cheek into the pillow. Beca’s heart nearly shattered. “That doesn’t make me sad, Ell. It makes me happy.”

Ellie blinked. She wiped at her eyes. “It does?”

“Yeah. I love you.”

“Oh.”

Beca felt a sudden wave of exhaustion crash over her. She sighed tiredly. “We need to be better. We can’t keep doing this.”

Ellie turned to look at her. “What do you mean?”

“We can’t keep just… I dunno. Drifting along like this. Your grandma is right. We need to try to move forward. We need to do things. Be happier.”

“We’re doing okay.”

“Yeah,” Beca agreed. “We’re doing okay. But your mama wouldn’t want us to be just okay. I don’t want us to be just okay. I want you to be happy and enjoy being a teenager and… I don’t want you to worry about me. I want you to just live your life and focus on school and becoming whoever you want to be.”

Ellie grunted. “Well, I don’t want you to worry about me either.”

“I’m the mom, that’s not gonna happen.” Beca closed her eyes briefly. “I’m sorry you’re stuck with me and you don’t have her instead. I know she was better at this than me. I wish…”

“Don’t,” Ellie said, her voice hard. She shifted so her whole body was facing Beca. “Don’t say you wish it was you. It sucks enough already.”

Beca felt the tears prickle in her eyes again and she blinked them back. “Well, I just think you’d be better with her. I know I’m not like… good at this.”

“Well I know I’m not good at being a daughter so.” Ellie shrugged. “We’re even.”

Beca stared. “Do you really think that?”

Ellie shrugged again. “Sometimes I like… I can feel you trying so hard and I want to give it back to you, but I just can’t. And that seriously sucks. I think you must be lonely and that I should do something, but then I just don’t. It’s like I want to, but then I think about how much you’d rather it be her here and I can’t do it.”

Beca let that sink in for a long moment. How far had they pulled away from each other in order to make the other think they were okay? How much worse had they made it trying to keep to themselves?

“I wouldn’t rather it be her,” Beca said suddenly. “And if it were backward, and your mama was still here and not me, she wouldn’t want that either. I want it to be you. You’re my best thing, Ell. I mean… I used to tell your mama you were my heartbeat. You keep me going forward all the time.”

Ellie sniffled, pressing her hands to her eyes. “She told me that once. When we were fighting. I thought it was just something she said to make it better.”

“No, it’s true.”

“I love you, Mom.” Ellie gave her a watery smile that Beca returned.

“I love you more than anything, dude.”

Ellie wiped at her eyes again. Sighed. Looked at Beca. “I want us to be better than okay, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They breathed into the darkness, the two of them, quiet and thoughtful. Beca wasn’t sure how they were going to move forward, but she wanted them to. She was so tired.

Beside her, Ellie’s breathing got deeper, her body stiller. Beca thought herself in circles, about the past, the future, all the things Ellie had said. Then she, too, drifted off to sleep.

//

Beca felt softer the days after that. Maybe something clicked inside her. She felt more at peace, less tense. It was a nice end to their vacation, this tranquil calm that had washed over her. She thought Ellie felt so, too.

“I’m glad we came here,” Ellie said on their last night. They’d gone down to the beach to watch the sunset and were sitting in the sand, side by side, looking out at the waves.

“Me too.” Beca let handfuls of sand drift through her fingers. It was still warm from the day even as the sun dropped into the water.

“You look better,” Ellie commented. “I think the sun was good for you.”

Beca snorted. “Your grandma tell you to say that?”

“No,” Ellie shrugged. “You just don’t look so… like, pale.”

Beca bumped their shoulders together. “Not all of us are blessed with Junk no-burn gene, okay? Watch it.”

Ellie laughed, small but full and happy. Beca felt herself smiling at the sound. Ellie had Emily’s laugh. She hadn’t heard it so genuinely in a long time.

Ellie slouched further down and leaned her head into Beca’s shoulder. “Can you teach me to drive when we get back?”

“You want to?”

“Yeah.” Ellie exhaled and Beca felt it on her skin. “I guess I can’t rely on you and my friends forever.”

“Okay,” Beca said. “Sure, whenever you want.”

“Cool.”

They talked back and forth while the sun sank lower, making plans for the rest of the summer. As the darkness finally wrapped around them, they got up, dusted the sand from their clothes, and made their way back home.

//

Being back home was still hard, but Beca felt lighter as the summer passed. Ellie was right; the trip had been good for her. Their house wasn’t full, but it didn’t feel as empty as before. Beca ripped the Bandaid off one night by plugging her phone into the stereo as she cooked dinner, music blasting at full volume. After that, there was always music on again. Beca’s work music or Ellie’s playlists at top volume drifting down the stairs from her bedroom.

Beca even heard her strumming her guitar or playing her keyboard sometimes. One night she was making her way past Ellie’s bedroom and had to pause at the doorway as Ellie’s voice drifted through the crack.

“It’s just the thought of you… the very thought of you, my love.”

Beca’s heart thumped wildly in her chest, a bittersweet kind of nostalgia settling over her as so many memories flooded back.

The first one, from back when they were in college. It always made Beca laugh. They’d been dating for awhile and Emily would always be forgetting things. Beca would tease her about it and Emily would pout and say “you distracted me and then I forgot.”

“I wasn’t even there!”

“Yeah,” Emily would nod. “But I thought about you and got distracted.”

“Okay, weirdo.”

One night Beca had been up late working on a final paper and there had been a knock at her dorm door. Her roommate was out at her boyfriends, but Beca figured maybe something happened or she forgot her key. Except when she opened the door, it was Emily, standing there looking extremely disheveled and sweaty.

“Em?”

“I heard this Nat King Cole song,” Emily panted, out of breath, her tone urgent. “It’s how I feel.” And she’d pressed play on the song displayed on her phone, shoving it into Beca’s hand.

Beca tugged Emily inside her dorm. “Why are you sweaty?”

“I ran here. Are you listening?”

“Why’d you run?”

“I had to show it to you right now. You’re not listening, Bec.”

Beca shook her head in amusement and restarted the song. She listened to it the whole way through, feeling soft. “It’s a nice song.”

“That’s how I feel about you. It’s like I think about you and I forget about everything else. When we’re not together, the time goes so slow. I just want to be with you all the time. It makes me crazy!” Emily did look crazy. Her eyes were wide and her hands gestured around wildly. She finally put them on Beca’s shoulders, her gaze serious when it met Beca’s. “I’m in love with you, Bec. I love you. I love you. I just… I love you.”

Beca had blushed and glanced away. “You’re being so crazy right now, Em.”

“I know.”

“I love you, too.” Beca shrugged happily. When Emily beamed at her, Beca thought the world clicked into place. Emily had the prettiest smile. It made Beca softer.

It was their song after that. Emily would sing it to her out of the blue when she was happy or when Beca was acting grumpy. She tracked down the single on vinyl and gave it to Beca for their anniversary. It was their wedding song and Beca had cried when Emily kissed her while they danced, swaying around to the sweetness of it.

“I still feel like this about you. Just thinking about you makes me so happy and crazy.”

“Yeah, crazy is still right,” Beca had joked, overcompensating for the tears in her eyes.

“Crazy about you, baby.”

Beca had rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t look away from Emily’s smile. “I love you, Em.”

“Forever and always, huh? You’re stuck with me now.” Emily had grinned at her and Beca shook her head.

“Yeah until death do us part and all that cheesy stuff we just said.”

“Mhmm.” Emily had pulled her close as the song ended, singing low in Beca’s ear.

“It’s just the thought of you… the very thought of you, my love.”

Beca pressed her back against the wall outside of Ellie’s door, just listening as the memories washed over her. In some ways, it made Beca sad, how the meaning of the song was different now. The very thought of Emily and Beca forgot things, too, but because she missed her, because she’d be hit with the thought that Emily wasn’t ever coming back. Time seemed to pass differently without Emily. The song felt so different now and Beca ached listening to Ellie sing it.

Ellie’s singing voice was similar to Emily’s but not quite as deep. It was sweeter, lighter, but if Beca closed her eyes it could be Emily on their wedding day, singing in Beca’s ear. As she listened, Ellie replayed the last line on her keyboard, singing it again a few times. Ellie always did that, rewound songs to play her favorite line on repeat, strummed the same chords on her guitar over and over.

She poked her head into Ellie’s room. “Hey.”

Ellie stopped playing as she looked up from the keyboard. “Oh. Hey. Um, sorry, I’ll stop. I just had that line stuck in my head all day.”

“It’s okay. It sounded really nice.” Beca leaned against the doorframe. “That was our wedding song. Mine and your mama’s.”

“It was?” Ellie poked at a key restlessly. “She always used to sing it. I was thinking about her today. Just how much I missed her singing.”

Beca hummed in agreement. “She had a great voice. She used to write songs before you were born. Sometimes I thought she might pursue that further but…” Beca shrugged. “She liked teaching music better, I think.”

Ellie looked at her, tilting her head thoughtfully. “Oh. I didn’t know that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh.” Beca twisted her lips, thinking. “Did you ever think about writing?”

Ellie scrunched her nose. “No. I can’t do it. The music makes sense, but like, words and stuff? It just sounds dumb.”

Beca smiled, rolling her eyes. “You sound like me. Your mama was good at it, but… I never could get it right.”

“Do you have some of her stuff?”

“Like her original songs?”

“Yeah.”

Beca shrugged. “They’re probably around here somewhere. In the basement there’s a ton of boxes of old notebooks and things.”

Ellie nodded. She gave Beca an uncertain look. Hesitant and casual, the way she does when she really wants something but doesn’t want Beca to know how much she wants it. “Can I… see them?”

“I’ll look for them this weekend.” Beca’s lips twitched at the poorly masked excitement on Ellie’s face. “I’m gonna start dinner. It’ll be ready in a bit.”

“Kay.”

She went downstairs and before starting dinner, she dug in the cabinet where they kept their old records. She pulled out the small 7-inch Emily had given her for their anniversary, wiping the dust away from the cover. Beca unsleeved it carefully, her heart pounding. She hadn’t looked at it since Emily had died. Hadn’t looked at it for several years before that even.

But it was still there, Emily’s handwriting on the protective sleeve.

He said it best. I’m living in a kind of daydream. Happy Anniversary, my love.

Beca smiled, touched the words. Then she sleeved the record and put it back in the cabinet.

As she started dinner, Ellie’s voice floated down the stairs, and Beca let herself remember, and it didn’t hurt so much.

If she closed her eyes, it was almost as if Emily was right there beside her, singing in her ear.

//

Beca woke on the last Saturday of Ellie’s summer vacation to a consistent thumping from outside. She groaned, blinking the sun from her eyes.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump-thump.

She sat up, listening. The sound was familiar, but she couldn’t place it, and that annoyed her more than being woken up. She swung her legs out of bed and pulled on a hoodie, one of Emily’s old ones. Then she made her way downstairs.

Frowning, she peered out into the backyard. She groggily slid open the backdoor, confused out of her mind.

“Ellie!”

Ellie jumped and spun around to look at her mid-kick. Her foot misconnected with the soccer ball and it went flying into the patio furniture.

“What are you doing?”

“Uh.” Ellie jogged over to collect the ball, dribbling it back to the center of the yard. “Practicing.”

Beca squinted her eyes into the morning sun. “Practicing?”

“Yeah.” Ellie juggled the ball between her feet, not looking at Beca. “Tryouts are this week.”

“Tryouts?”

“For the high school team.”

Beca blinked. Opened her mouth. Closed it. Cleared her throat. “For soccer?”

Ellie finally looked at her. She raised her eyebrows. “No, Mom, for ping pong.”

“Don’t be rude.”

“Yeah, for soccer.” Ellie glanced away, then back again. “Is that alright?”

“If you… try out?”

Ellie’s expression turned tentative. “Yeah?”

“Oh. Yeah, of course.” Beca frowned. “Why wouldn’t it be?” Ellie shrugged. “Just um, let me know when. So I can pick you up after.”

“Okay.” Ellie toe-touched the ball a few more times. Then she let a kick fly, right into the side of the house. It rebounded back to her and she stopped it underfoot.

Beca had, in the past, yelled at Ellie for kicking the ball into the side of the house, but she was too shocked at the sight to say anything at all at that moment. Instead she slipped back inside and made coffee to a soundtrack of steady thump thump thumping.

//

It felt weird to go to the games without Emily. It felt weird to sit alone in the stands, to cheer by herself.

Emily had always teased her for how vocal she was, how into it she got, but now she found it difficult to make any sound at all. She clapped quietly, sat hunched in the bleachers, watched Ellie run up and down the field.

A few of the other parents said hi to her after the game. Beca remembered them from Ellie’s freshman year and they talked for a few minutes, but it felt forced. Emily had been the one to make friends, to get involved in the boosters. Beca had just participated by wearing school colors and yelling at the ref.

“You’re gonna get kicked out one of these days,” Emily would tell her after the games when they were sitting in the car and waiting for Ellie to get done changing. “And Ellie will be mad at you for embarrassing her.”

“Well, what kind of call was that? She got all ball. Has the dude even heard of a clean tackle? The fuck?”

Emily would give her a fond but exasperated look, shaking her head. “I ever tell you you’re cute when you’re standing up for our kid?”

Beca would grumble, rolling her eyes. “She doesn’t need me to. Did you see her face? Thought she was gonna lose it if Tasha hadn’t pulled her away.”

“Mmm.” Emily would lean across the console to kiss her and Beca would forget about soccer and refs and stress. It would just be her and Emily, making out in the car like a couple of teenagers.

“Ugh,” Ellie would say, opening the door to the backseat. “Get a room.”

Beca would scoff as Emily smiled against her lips. “Back off, kid, I don’t care if you just played a whole game. You can walk home.”

“Kay, sorry, whatever.”

Now Beca waited in the car alone until Ellie slid into the front seat.

“Good game.”

Ellie shrugged. “Ref was stupid. Did you see that call? Like, has he never heard of a slide tackle?”

“Yeah. You got all ball. Dude’s blind.”

“So stupid. Like what the hell?”

Beca gave Ellie a pointed look. “Watch the language, kid. I don’t care if you just played a whole game, you can walk home.”

“Sorry. Whatever.”

Maybe some things weren’t so different after all.

//

“Can I ask you something?”

Beca hummed as they ate dinner. “Sure.”

Ellie shifted in her seat, avoiding Beca’s eyes. “Have you… ever considered dating again?”

Beca froze, her fork halfway to her mouth. “...Dating?”

“Yeah.”

She set her fork down. Wiped her mouth on her napkin. Ellie’s face was bright red, and from the heat in her own cheeks, Beca imagined hers was the same. “Why?”

“Just wondering.” Ellie finally looked at her, eyes serious. “I just… don’t want you to like, think I’ll care. I don’t. You can.”

“Okay…” Beca scratched at her nose awkwardly. “Thanks I guess, but no, I haven’t thought about it.”

“Oh. Okay.” Ellie took a bite of chicken. “Maybe you should, though?”

Beca did not want to have this conversation. Why were they having this conversation? “Why?”

Ellie shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe you’ll be happy.”

“I’m happy now.”

“Well, yeah, but.” Ellie sighed. Tapped her fingers on the table. “Kay, never mind.”

“Alright…” Beca shook her head, feeling completely out of her element.

They ate in silence for a few minutes, then Ellie grunted. “Okay, well. It’s just. Teddy Gomez asked me out.”

Beca froze again. Swallowed. “Who?”

“My chem lab partner, remember? Teddy.”

“Oh. Right.” Beca frowned. “So what does that have to do with me dating? You want us to double date or something?”

Ellie grimaced. “Ew, what? No.” She gave Beca an exasperated look. “Don’t be weird.”

“Well, I don’t get it.”

“I just thought… I dunno. I was like, dating is weird. Does he have to meet my mom? Then I thought you might want to date, too. And like, what if I met someone you were dating? How weird would that be? So weird, right?”

Beca stared. “Yeah? Weird.”

“Anyway.” Ellie moved food around her plate. “I just wanted you to know I’m cool with it. And I actually think you should. It could be good for you. And also I’m going out with Teddy on Friday, if that’s okay. We’re just going to the movies.”

Beca had no idea what part to respond to and felt she had nothing to say to any of it anyway. “Um. Okay. To the part about you going to the movies, I mean.”

“What about the other part?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I wanna talk about it.”

“Well you have to try again at some point.”

Beca huffed, a sharp defensiveness rising in her. Her chest felt tight. “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t!”

Ellie crossed her arms. “I just don’t get why though?”

“Drop it, Ellie.”

“You’re so irrational. Mama wouldn’t want you to be like this. She’d want us to talk about this.”

“Enough.” Beca flinched at the volume in her voice, but she couldn’t help it. Her hands were trembling.

Ellie pushed up from the table angrily. “Fine! Whatever. I’m trying to have a conversation here, but you really freaking suck sometimes.”

Then she stormed out of the kitchen. Beca heard her stomping up the stairs and waited for her door to slam, but it never did. She put her head in her hands, trying to breathe deeply and cool down.

She bit her lip, looking up at the ceiling and clenching her fingers in and out. They hadn’t had a fight in a long time.

After a minute, she heard the telltale creaking of the stairs, and then Ellie carefully stepped back into the kitchen. She hesitated, then sat back down in her chair.

“I didn’t mean that.” She looked at Beca seriously. Her eyes were pink and watery. “You don’t suck. I’m sorry I said that.”

Beca exhaled through her nose, biting back her annoyance. “It’s okay. I didn’t mean to yell. I’m sorry, too.” She folded her hands on top of the table, looking out the kitchen window thoughtfully. “Look… I don’t want to talk about it. But if I did… then I would tell you that I can’t imagine dating anyone else right now. Maybe in the future. But I really don’t want to get into it, okay?”

Ellie stared down at the table, frowning. “Okay. Sorry.”

She glanced back up and Beca gave her a small smile. “You can date, though.”

“Okay.”

“I mean, that’s weird for me, but you’re like... allowed to do that or whatever.”

Ellie’s lips twitched. “Okay.”

“I mean there’s still rules,” Beca clarified.

“Mom.”

“Like a curfew. And I would like to know the guy, actually. And like, an open door policy.”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “We haven’t even been out yet.”

“Well things happen fast, Ellie! Oh God.” Beca cringed. “Do you know about… condoms? Do we need to get you on birth control?”

“Mom...”

Beac frowned. “Wow. Okay, so this is it, huh? I guess we like… need to talk about sex now.”

“Mom!” Ellie immediately stood up from the table, gaping at Beca.

“Where are you going? Sit down.”

Ellie shook her head. “No. We don’t have to do this. I know things.”

“What things?”

“Things! Sex… things.”

“How?”

Ellie threw her hands in the air. “I don’t know! I watch TV! I have Health class.”

Beca leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. “What do you know? Do you know how to put on a condom?”

“Mom!”

“What? It’s a valid question!”

“Well I know the theory, but obviously there’s been no…” Ellie gestured wildly, her face burning red. “Ugh. Practice. And I know about um, teen pregnancy. And STIs. So see we’re all good. I know everything.”

Beca raised her eyebrows. “What about consent?”

“What?”

“Consent, Ell. Do you know how to ask for it and how to give it?”

Ellie grimaced at her. “I don’t know. Do we have to do this right now?”

“Do you want to go on a date?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes.” Beca purposely looked at Ellie’s empty chair. Ellie groaned and slumped into it. “So sex can be weird…”

Ellie dropped her head to the table. “I hate this. I hate this so much.”

“Look at me.” Ellie rolled her forehead so she could stare up at Beca while her cheek was still pressed to the table. “Look, your mama would’ve been way mushy about this and tell you that sex is like, making love and to cherish it and all that stuff, but…” Beca shrugged. “Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s just sex.”

Ellie grunted in acknowledgement.

“At your age, though,” Beca continued. “You don’t wanna be messing around like that. It can fuck you up. You’re young and you’re impressionable, even if you think you aren’t. Sex is gonna do weird things to your self-esteem and it’s gonna make things complicated and it is what it is, but you don’t wanna take it lightly. You want to be sure, okay?”

“Yeah. Okay. Are we done?”

“No.” Beca made sure Ellie was looking at her. “If you’re not sure what the other person wants, you need to ask them. No excuses. And if you don’t want something, you need to express that to the other person, too. Not everyone is going to be courteous, and not everyone is gonna have someone explain that this is something they should do. Do you understand me?”

Ellie sat up slowly, nodding. She frowned at Beca. Shifted in her seat uncomfortably. “Isn’t that weird, though?”

“Sometimes, sure. But it’s worse if you don’t do that. Like earlier when you asked me about if I wanted to date and I said I didn’t want to talk about it and we pushed each other a little and then we yelled at each other. That didn’t feel good for either of us, right?”

“No, not really.”

Beca nodded. “Well with sex it’s even more important because you’re really vulnerable. And people don’t always know what they want right away and they might change their mind in the middle, but the other person won’t know if you don’t say something or check in with them to make sure they’re still good. And you shouldn’t be with someone you don’t feel good doing this with. I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy to say this stuff. Sometimes it’s not, but if you feel scared to say it, then you one hundred percent should not sleep with them. Does that make sense?”

“Um. Yeah.”

“Okay.” Beca took a deep breath. “To be clear, I don’t want you to have sex yet.”

“I’m not having sex!”

Beca held up her finger. “I don’t want you to, but if you do, I don’t want you to be scared to like, talk to me about it or ask me things. When I was your age…” Beca looked at her hands, resting on the kitchen table next to their half-eaten dinners. She didn’t feel good saying this stuff, but it was important and this was Ellie and she couldn’t fuck this up. She couldn’t. “When I was your age, nobody told me this stuff, and I was moving way too fast with people I shouldn’t be with. I seriously didn’t feel comfortable about this stuff until I met Emily and even then, I was only eighteen. But when you’re young, you just do what other people are doing, or what you think you’re supposed to do. You’re curious. You wanna know. And it can make you feel really confused and happy and sad and weird all at the same time. But um, maybe it wouldn’t have been too bad if I could’ve talked to Grandma Dee about it, but.” Beca shrugged. “That’s in the past now. I want you to have something better. I don’t want you to feel alone.”

Ellie looked at her for a long moment. She blew out a deep breath. “Okay. I don’t.”

“Okay.”

They stared at each other. Then Ellie pouted. “Can I please go now?”

Beca sighed. “Yeah, you can go now.”

Ellie pushed up from her chair, but paused before she left, her eyes flicking in Beca’s direction. Then she moved around the table and wrapped her arms around Beca’s shoulders. “Um. I hope you don’t feel alone, either.”

Beca chuckled. Ellie towered over her like this. “I don’t. You’re here. And I love you.”

“I love you, too. But also this was horrible, so goodbye.”

She squeezed Beca once, then sped out of the kitchen again. A minute later, music was blasting down the stairs at top volume.

Beca shook her head and leaned back in her chair. She sighed and closed her eyes.

“What am I doing, Em?” She whispered. “What the fuck am I doing?”

//

Beca liked Teddy Gomez.

He was kind, and polite, and he so clearly thought Ellie made the sun rise and set, which Beca found simultaneously nice and a little short-sighted on his part.

He dressed smart for their first date, in jeans and a button up, and promised Beca he’d have Ellie home before her curfew. As Beca watched them walk to the car, Ellie laughed at something he said and it made Beca both happy and a little sad.

It was nice, Beca thought. To see her look so carefree again.

But then she was alone in that big house, no Ellie singing, no Emily to tease Beca about whatever.

It was just Beca, alone with the heavy quiet.

//

Teddy was a good kid. Beca learned that quickly.

He was smart and smiled easily. Beca got the sense he didn’t get mad much. He seemed to take everything in stride, which was funny, because his stride wasn’t as long as Ellie’s. He only came up to her nose. Beca found that endlessly endearing and desperately wanted to tell Emily and see how cute she’d think it was.

They were dating officially, Ellie told her a couple weeks after that first date. So Teddy became a regular fixture at their house and at Ellie’s soccer games, where he’d sit next to Beca in the stands and cheer even though he had no idea what was going on.

“I’m a music kid,” he told her. “I never was good at sports. Ellie’s lucky she’s good at both.”

“Yeah,” Beca said. “She got that from her other mom.”

“Yeah, she told me she passed away. I’m sorry. I know you guys are really close, but that must still be really hard for you.”

Beca looked at him thoughtfully. She wasn’t sure she’d ever thought of her and Ellie as close, but maybe they were. “It is. But I have Ellie, so. She makes it better.”

He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “Yeah, this is probably the part where you tell me you’ll kick my butt if I hurt her.”

Beca laughed. “No. She can make her own decisions.” She hesitated. “But I will say that she’s had enough heartbreak to last her a lifetime, so just... make sure it’s worth it if you have to. She doesn’t need more unnecessary pain. But you seem like a good guy, Teddy.”

She patted him on the shoulder awkwardly and they went back to watching the game. Beca liked that after that, he still wasn’t afraid to joke around with her.

Ellie had good taste.

//

After the games, Beca would wait around for Ellie to change and say goodbye to Teddy before they drove home. If it was a nice day, she’d lean against the car and wait, enjoying the sunshine before winter came.

It was on one of these occasions that a taller man came up to her, his hands in his dress pants pockets. Beca recognized him as the dad of one of Ellie’s teammate’s, but she didn’t know his name.

“Good game, huh?” He asked her.

“Pretty good,” she said. “Guess we’ll probably make the playoffs.”

“I hope so.” He smiled at her. He had a nice smile. “You’re Ellie’s mom, right?”

Beca nodded. “Yeah, I’m Beca.”

“Harrison,” he said, and held out his hand. Beca shook it briefly. “I’m Lindsay’s dad.”

“Nice to meet you, Harrison.”

“I just thought I’d introduce myself as head of the Booster Club.”

Beca snorted. “I see now,” she teased. “You just want my money.”

“Hey,” he held up his hands innocently. “I didn’t say that.”

“You meant it.”

He grinned. “We have enough fundraising. But I think it’s nice to ask all the parents if they want to get more involved. It’d be nice to get some new uniforms next year.”

Beca hummed. “Involved. What’s that entail?”

“Couple meetings a month. Brainstorming and organizing. That kind of thing.”

“Gotcha.”

Harrison nodded. “It’s good for the kids. Helps them reach their potential. We do stuff to get college coaches to come watch too if the kids are interested in playing beyond the high school level.”

“Oh, really?” Beca hadn’t thought of that. She didn’t know what Ellie wanted when it came to college. “I didn’t realize that.”

“Yeah.” Harrison smiled at her. “If you’re interested in learning more, I’d love to have a drink or dinner and talk about it.”

A throat cleared next to Beca and Beca jumped. Ellie’s arm bumped her shoulder as she appeared beside her. “Hi Mr. Davis.”

“Hiya, Ellie. Great game, kid.”

“Thanks.” Ellie crossed her arms. “No offense, Mr. Davis, but you’re not my mom’s type, so maybe let’s just call this a day, huh? Homework and everything.”

Beca gaped. “Ellie.”

Harrison just laughed. “You got me there, kid.” He gave Beca a wink and another smile. “Well, just think about it. Nice talking to you.”

Then he was gone with a wave. Beca turned to Ellie in horror, but she was already sliding into the passenger seat. Beca stomped around the car and got in the driver’s side.

“Ellie, what the hell?”

“What?”

“Do not what me.”

Ellie huffed. “Well, he isn’t.”

“First of all, you do not know my type. Second of all, you don’t know him. Third of all, he wasn’t even… I dunno, expressing interest in me! Fourth, that was embarrassing and rude and if you ever do that again I will ground you into eternity.”

Ellie rolled her eyes and buckled her seatbelt as Beca started driving out of the school parking lot. “First of all, I do know him. And I know that he and Lindsay’s mom are divorced because he cheated on her, so. He’s not your type because he’s a douche. But even so, he’s not your type-type. Your type is good, not some fake-nice bullshitter.”

“Language, Ellie.”

“And third, he so too was hitting on you.”

“No he wasn’t. He was telling me about the Booster Club. He tells all the parents.”

Ellie snorted. “All the single moms, you mean. I’ve never seen him schmoozing Maddie’s single dad.” Ellie looked at her, eyebrows raised. “He was hitting on you. He thought you were hot. He was giving you eyes.”

“I’m extremely uncomfortable with this. He wasn’t.”

“Was too.”

“Wasn’t.”

Ellie sighed. “Mom, one time Mama told me she was flirting with you for an entire semester and you didn’t even realize it until she expressly told you. I don’t think you’re the best at these things.”

Beca blushed. “That’s… she didn’t give you all the facts. That’s not what happened.”

“Oh really? Then let’s hear it.”

“Oh I have to explain myself to you now?”

“Yeah. Or I’ll just assume you have no game and that you’re dumb.”

Beca grunted. “Why are you always so rude?” Ellie just stared at her expectantly and Beca sighed. “Fine. Well, you know how she was. Friendly. Smiley. Everyone else’s flirting is just her version of nice.”

“Uh huh.”

“We had Astronomy together. It was at 9AM and we were eighteen and I didn’t want to be there at all. I was tired. She had enough energy to power Times Square. So she’d always be like, bringing me coffee and complimenting my shitty sweats. It was nice, okay?”

“Yeah, none of this is convincing me.”

Beca rolled her eyes. “Well, if your mama already told you what happened, you’re not gonna believe me.”

“She didn’t tell me. She just said she was crushing on you hardcore and you were oblivious about it for a whole semester.” Ellie grinned. “So how’d you figure it out?”

“I… didn’t.”

“Of course not.”

Beca swatted at Ellie’s shoulder. “Stop. I wasn’t oblivious okay. I got these vibes, but like, I thought she was just… being how she was. She was always passing me these cheesy Astronomy notes, like, you’re a star and Did you wake up this cute or did you planet? It was sweet, but…” Beca shrugged. “Look, it’s not as easy when you’re not straight, okay? Sometimes you don’t know if it’s just a friend thing or more.”

Ellie hummed. “Okay. That makes sense.”

“Yeah. Anyway, she asked me to have a study date with her for the final exam. I didn’t know she meant it literally like a date, like… study date is a common phrase, okay. But we went to IHOP and she paid for the pancakes and we studied for like four hours. At the end, she said ‘maybe for our second date we could do something more romantic’ and that’s that.” Beca smiled at the memory, at how Emily had walked her up to her dorm and how their first kiss at the door was quick and sweet and tasted like maple syrup.

Ellie gave her an incredulous look. “Seriously?”

“What?”

“You seriously just thought she was being your friend? I’ve never done anything like that to my friends.”

“Let me live, dude. You weren’t there, you can’t understand. She was out of my league.”

Ellie snorted. “No kidding.”

“Okay, uncalled for.”

“Whatever. You’re just dumb.”

They were almost home by that time and Beca stopped at the stop sign at the end of their street. “You wanna walk the rest of the way?”

Ellie grinned over at her. “Well, why is it so crazy to think someone would be into you? Like, I don’t really wanna think about you as some kind of hot mom or something, because ew, gross. But like, you’re pretty and I’m sure some people think you’re cool. I don’t, but Mama did, so others probably do.”

“You’re really testing me today, kid.”

“You love me.”

“Whatever.”

Ellie laughed. “I just don’t get why you don’t consider it. Not with Mr. Davis, obviously, but someone.”

Beca pulled into the garage and parked the car. She looked over at Ellie as she turned off the engine. “Why do you want this so bad? What does it matter?”

“I dunno. I just...” Ellie glanced out of the window, pulling at the ends of her shorts. She rubbed at her face, clearly uncomfortable. Sighing, she looked back at Beca. “I’m gonna leave soon. For college. And… I don’t want you to be here alone. Like it makes me feel… sad? I don’t want you to be here all by yourself.”

Beca blinked. Her chest suddenly felt very tight. “Oh.”

“Don’t cry, Mom.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

Beca laughed and wiped at her eyes. “That was just really… unexpected.”

“Why? You haven’t thought about it?”

“I’ve thought about you going to college, but it was more of a process. Study for the SATs. Do some applications, some visits. I don’t even know where you want to go. I didn’t think about you actually being like... gone, I guess.”

“Well, I have. I think about it all the time. Sometimes I think about just taking a year off or going to community so I can live at home for a bit.”

Beca frowned. “What? No, you’re not doing that. I mean if you really want that for other reasons… But you’re not doing that just so I’m not… alone. No way.”

Ellie shrugged. “We’ll see.”

“Elizabeth Mitchell-Junk, you’re not doing that.” Beca rubbed at her eyes furiously, annoyed at Ellie’s thoughtfulness because it just wasn’t right. No. “I have work and friends. Or I could get like, get a cat or something. But you’re not gonna live your life based on me being here alone. That’s not happening.”

Ellie defiantly stared out of the windshield, her arms crossed.

“I’m an adult, you know. I can handle being alone.”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t handle being alone. I just said I didn’t want you to be.” Ellie blinked, first slow, then quick, and Beca realized she was crying.

“Ell.”

Ellie gasped out a harsh breath, frustratedly pushing at her eyes. “I just. Ugh. I miss her so much. I miss her everyday. All the time. It sucks without her. Even when it’s good, it sucks. I thought it would stop but it doesn’t. It still freaking sucks. And I can’t imagine…” She let out a sob as the tears suddenly started to run down her cheeks. “I can’t do this without y-- I can’t do this alone.”

Beca’s heart cracked. She unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over the console awkwardly. She put her arms around Ellie’s shoulders, pressing Ellie’s cheek to her chest.

“I got you.”

“I don’t want us to be alone,” Ellie garbled out, voice thick and muffled against Beca’s shirt.

“We’re not.” Beca blinked back her own tears. “You’re not. You’ve always got me, even if we’re not in the same place.”

Ellie sniffled. “It’s not the same.”

“Maybe not, but…” Beca didn’t know what to say. Emily was the one who knew what to say, but Emily wasn’t here. She squeezed Ellie tighter, her throat tight. “It sucks, you’re right. I miss her all the time, too.”

“It’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not.”

Ellie pulled back, wiping her eyes, and Beca slumped back into the driver’s seat. They sat in silence, neither wanting to move or get out of the car, but neither knowing what to say.

Finally, Beca sighed. “I wish I had the magic words to make it better, but I don’t. I wish she was here and that you had two parents and no sadness and nothing but typical worries about college and school and normal teen stuff. But you can’t just… put your life on hold because it’s easier.” Beca looked over at Ellie when she sniffled again. “It’s sweet that you don’t want me to be alone. It’s thoughtful and kind and the sort of thing that makes me love you so much, but you can’t do it. You’re a good kid and you have like… so much to look forward to because of that. You have so much ahead of you. You need to take advantage of it, even if it’s hard and scary.”

Tears were running a steady course down Ellie’s cheeks and Beca’s heart clenched.

“We still have time. Like a whole year and a half, right? We can look together and find a good place for you. If you want it be closer to home, then we’ll find you somewhere. If you want to play soccer or study music or be in one of those sorority things or whatever you want. We’ll find you a good place. And we’ll both be okay. I promise.”

Ellie nodded. Rubbed her eyes. “I’m not joining a sorority,” she said at last, voice watery.

“No judgment if you do, dude.”

Ellie coughed out a laugh. “Okay.”

Beca gave her a small smile. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Ellie sniffled again. “Sorry for like… crying so much.”

“Don’t say sorry for that.”

“You hate it.”

“Yeah, why would I wanna see you upset? Sucks.” Beca shrugged. “But your feelings are like… valid, or whatever.”

Ellie snorted. “Only Mama could say stuff like that and not sound lame. Just stop.”

“Excuse you. I’m being supportive.”

“You’re lame.”

“Okay, well I was gonna order us a kick ass pizza, but now I’m just ordering it for me. You can make yourself some dinner.”

Ellie looked at her with exaggerated wide eyes. “Nooo. You’re gonna make me cry again.”

“Oh stop.” Ellie sniffled dramatically and Beca rolled her eyes. “Literally so unfair.”

“Can you get us those cheesy breadsticks? Pleeeeease?” Ellie pouted across the middle console. “I’ll love you forever.”

Beca snorted. “I didn’t realize your love was conditional on cheesy breadsticks.”

“Duh.”

“Teenagers, man.” She opened the car door and got out. “And to think I raised you and this is the thanks I get.”

She could hear Ellie getting out of the car behind her as she stepped inside the house and pulled up the number for the pizza place on her phone. “Are you getting them? Mom! Tell me you are.”

“I’m on the phone, Elizabeth, don’t be rude.”

“But are you getting them? Are you?! Mommmm. Are you?”

//

Winter came quick that year. Before Beca knew it, soccer season had ended, Thanksgiving passed them by. There was finals and busy December work-loads before the holidays.

Then it was Christmas break. Beca had two weeks off where she could work from home. Ellie had two weeks off from school. Their Christmas was calm. They opened presents and cooked dinner and reminisced about the Christmas when Ellie was eleven and had to have her Appendix removed two days before.

“You weren’t really supposed to do strenuous activity but we’d gotten you that new bike. I thought your heart was breaking when you realized you couldn’t ride it yet,” Beca laughed. “The look on your face.”

“Mama let me sit on it and she pushed me up and down the hall because I couldn’t pedal.” Ellie smiled absently, her eyes distant. They were sitting on the floor in front of the tree in their pajamas. “She tried to lift the front tire so I could do a wheelie and you lost your mind. I don’t think I ever heard you yell at her before that.”

Beca hummed, thoughtful. “We usually didn’t fight like that. We didn’t yell too much.”

Ellie looked over at her. “How did you fight?”

“We didn’t usually.” Beca curled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “We argued sometimes. Mostly about dumb stuff. I wasn’t too great at like… I dunno. Putting myself out there, I guess. She wanted me to tell her when something was bothering me and I just didn’t want to talk about it and I think sometimes that hurt her feelings.”

“Oh.”

“And she had… so much love in her. So sometimes that made her pushy about things. She thought everything could be easily solved by like, a conversation or a hug and just...” Beca frowned. “Some things couldn’t.”

Ellie scrunched her nose. “Like what?”

“I dunno, Ell.” Beca sighed. “Like stuff with my parents. You know they got divorced when I was young and stuff. And your grandpa married Grandma Sheila when I was your age. It bothered me. We didn’t have the best relationship. We all said things that hurt and did things we didn’t like. It got better after I moved out and grew up and everything but I think it’s always just gonna be in the background. Em thought if I just talked to them or tried a little harder then it could be perfect. But we have talked and we have tried and things are still always just a little… well. They are how they are. That’s never gonna change. And I’m okay with that, but she never understood how.”

“Oh. Hmm.” Ellie looked at her, her chin resting on her knees. “I’m glad that like... how you and Grandpa Rob and Grandma Dee are… I’m happy it’s not like that with us.”

It was such a small thing, but it made warmth seep into Beca’s chest. “Yeah, me too.”

Ellie chewed her lip the way she did when she was thinking. “How did you know you were in love with Mama?”

Beca paused. “Why, are you in love?” She teased.

“It’s just a question.” Ellie rolled her eyes.

“Uh huh.”

“Mom.”

Beca chuckled. “Hm. I guess… God. She used to do this crazy thing when we were in college to procrastinate studying where she’d learn all these dances to old music videos. Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, that kinda thing. And she’d come to my dorm at like 11pm hopped up on Red Bull and be like ‘watch this’ and would do the whole thing for me.” Beca smiled as she remembered. “When we had our finals, she was being so weird that whole week because she’d had like no sleep and she called me being all crazy and made me come to her room and I thought it was an emergency or something, but when I got there, she just… started doing the dance to ‘Survivor’ by Destiny’s Child.”

“Wow…”

“Yeah,” Beca grinned. “Have you seen the video?”

“No.”

“Well, it’s like… I don’t know how to describe it, but people considered it sexy choreography at the time, and the outfits were like, camo bikinis? But it was very like… fight-based choreography, there’s a lot of punch moves in it. And Emily was like, very into it, right, like she dressed up and tied this green tank top up around her stomach so it kinda looked like she was in the video. And she was doing the dance and getting so into it and she went to do a punch move and… she fucking punched me in the face.”

Ellie’s mouth fell open. “She punched you?”

“On accident, but yeah.” Beca laughed, her stomach shaking with it. “And I went down. And she started like, screaming, ‘OH MY GOD. BECA?! OH STARS I JUST PUNCHED MY GIRLFRIEND IN THE FACE OH GOD.’ It was the most ridiculous moment of my entire life. She was flipping out, wearing this bizarre outfit, and Destiny’s Child was playing in the background and my eye was throbbing and she was like, leaning over me and patting my cheeks and… I laughed. And I couldn’t stop laughing.”

Ellie gave her an incredulous look. “Full offense what is wrong with you, Mother?”

“I just couldn’t stop thinking like... Nobody is like her. There is nobody like this girl on the whole planet.” Beca shrugged happily. “That’s how I knew.”

“You’re so freaking weird.”

“Yeah.” Beca smiled to herself, remembering. God... she missed Emily so much. “I guess… to know you’re in love is when you feel love for someone when they’re not trying to get you to love them. When they’re not trying to, you know, express good things to you. If they’re complimenting you or flirting or being nice or whatever, you’re gonna feel some kind of way. You just are. But it’s when they’re not doing that stuff, and you just… I dunno, want to kiss them or you feel so crazy about them. That’s when you know.” Beca shrugged. “Or at least that’s when I knew.”

Ellie shook her head. “You guys were weird, you know that, right?”

“Yeah.” Beca grinned. “That’s why you’re so weird.”

“I’m not.”

“Sure, kid.”

Ellie teasingly kicked out at Beca with her foot. “At least I didn’t get punched in the face and think oh I’m gonna marry this person.”

“Well, she was wearing that tank top and she had abs like Beyonce, so.”

“Ew, please, do not.”

“She was pretty hot.”

Ellie grimaced and stuck her fingers in her ears. “I don’t need to hear this. No. Nope.”

“You should’ve seen her do the Britney Spears’ ‘I’m a Slave 4 U’ dance.”

Ellie got up and walked out of the room, yelling over her shoulder as she went. “Lalalalala I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”

//

“Can I get a tattoo?” Ellie asked one night while they were both sitting on the couch after dinner, Beca doing work stuff, Ellie with an SAT Prep book in front of her.

Beca looked up skeptically. “A tattoo?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re sixteen, I’m not sure you need a tattoo yet.”

“You have a like a hundred tattoos, that doesn’t seem fair.”

Beca grunted. “A tattoo of what?”

“Well, I want a couple.”

“Of course you do.”

Ellie stuck her tongue out. “Well. I was thinking something for Mama, but I’m not one hundred percent set on anything yet. But also…” Ellie sat up and grinned excitedly, her eyes lighting up. “Will you get a matching one with me?”

“A matching one?” Beca looked at her incredulously. “You want a matching tattoo with me? Your mom?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s the catch? Do I even want to know what it is?”

“It’s cute,” Ellie pouted, leaning forward earnestly. “One of those heartbeat lines, like on the monitor? Like the ones that go up and down. I want it on the pulse point on my wrist.”

Beca paused in disbelief. “I…” A pleasant happiness had risen in her chest. Glancing away, she let out a little laugh. “That’s sweet, Ellie.”

“I know. So can I get it? Can we get it?”

Beca hummed. “How about if you sit on it and you still want it when you’re eighteen, then yes, you can get it.”

“Ugh, but that’s like a hundred years away,” Ellie whined.

“Drama queen.”

“Fine, then can I get my nose pierced?”

“Oh my God.”

Ellie pouted. “Please, Mom? You have to let me get something.”

“No, I don’t.”

“You had a million piercings in high school, I’ve seen the pictures.”

Beca sighed. “Ellie.”

“What’s one nose ring gonna do? If it’s horrible and I hate it, I can take it out and the hole will close up.” She grabbed Beca’s foot and shook it. “Please. Please? Pleeeease.”

“Oh my God, fine. Chill out, dude.”

Ellie beamed. “Wait, I can get it?”

“Yeah. Yes. Geez.”

“Dude…” Ellie’s smile was so wide it took all of Beca’s willpower to remain neutral. “Did I ever tell you you’re the best mom in the whole world?”

Beca raised an eyebrow. She chuckled in disbelief. “No.”

“Okay, good, just checking.”

“Wow.”

Ellie laughed when Beca rolled her eyes. She slumped back into the couch armrest. “That just made me like, so happy. Oh my God.” Suddenly, she gasped and shot off the couch.

Beca blinked in alarm. “Um.”

“Be right back! I have to show you something!”

Beca heard her running in the hall. There was the distinct thump of her falling on the stairs and an “ow shoot ow” before the footsteps started again. Beca snorted. After a second, she raced back down and into the family room clutching something in her hand.

“Look at this picture I found the other day.”

She shoved it in Beca’s face. Beca leaned back and grabbed it. “You’re acting like an insane person.”

“Teddy has sixth period off and he brought me coffee. Anyway.” She sat back on the couch, all up in Beca’s space. “I found it in that box you gave me with Mama’s stuff. It was in one of her notebooks next to this song she wrote called ‘See You Smile’, it’s so flipping cute.”

Beca finally looked at the picture. It was of her and Ellie when Ellie was just a baby. They were smiling at each other, Ellie’s hand pressed to Beca’s cheek. She hummed and flipped it over. Emily always wrote on the back of pictures and sure enough, there in her handwriting, Beca and Ellie (8 months old). She turned it back around and the memory came to her, unexpected and heartwarming.

“She won’t stop crying,” Emily had pouted and passed the wailing baby Ellie into Beca’s arms. “Why does she hate me?”

Beca laughed. “She doesn’t hate you. She just senses how soft you are for her and knows she doesn’t need to stop. Just wait until she can ask for things. She’s gonna come running right to you first.”

“Beca, please.” Emily snorted. “As if. If anyone is soft for her, it’s you.”

Beca ignored her, bouncing Ellie as she walked.“Hi baby. Who is so cute? Are you the cutest, prettiest baby in the whole world? Yes, you are. Yes, you are.” Baby Ellie stopped screaming and gasped in a breath, her tiny face scrunched. She looked at Beca uncertainly and Beca smiled. “Aw, see yeah, you’re so cute. There’s nothing to cry about. Everything’s okay. I got you, dude.”

Ellie blinked, her wide, teary eyes locked on Beca’s. Beca bounced her some more, smiling. Ellie lifted her hand and pressed it to Beca’s cheek. Then, miraculously, she smiled back.

“Ugh. Shut uppp, she’s so cute,” Emily whined. “Don’t move, Bec.”

Emily grabbed her phone as Beca stared into Ellie’s wide brown eyes. Ellie was still beaming at her, her tiny hand pressed to Beca’s cheek. “Are you my favorite?” Beca whispered, still bouncing. “You are. You’re my girl. Who’s my tiny heartbeat? You are. I love you so much. Yes, I do.”

“Ugh stop, I can’t take this.” Emily laughed, pressing the capture button on her phone approximately one hundred times. “You’re so freakin’ cute.”

Beca hummed happily, pressing her nose into Ellie’s hair. She still had that baby-smell. Emily’s arms wrapped around her middle, her chin on Beca’s shoulder.

She pressed a kiss to Beca’s cheek. “I love you, Beca. I love our family.”

Beca leaned back into Emily. In her arms, Ellie garbled some unintelligible baby word. “Yeah,” Beca sighed dreamily. “Me, too.”

Present day Beca handed the picture back to teenage Ellie with a grin. “Your Mama could never get you to stop crying at that age. It drove her crazy because I could get you to stop in like, one second. You so clearly preferred being held by her until you started crying and then you would not stop until I held you. It made her so jealous,” Beca laughed. “She was used to everyone liking her best.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Beca chuckled. “She was kind of smug about it when you got a little older and would always run to her when you were crying. She always gave me this pleased little smirk and it annoyed the shit out of me.”

Ellie laughed. “It drove her crazy when people didn’t like her. Remember when my fifth grade teacher was rude to her at parent teacher conferences and she obsessed about it for like two weeks and made me bring in all those sweets she baked everyday?”

“Oh my God, I forgot about that.” Beca’s stomach shook as she laughed. “There was this girl on her dorm floor who was just… not very friendly to anyone, and she took it as a personal attack. She would always be extra friendly and extra nice anytime we saw her and the girl just did not care and it drove your mama crazy. She was on a personal mission to make this girl smile.”

“Did she?”

“Hmm.” Beca shrugged. “I don’t remember.”

Ellie hummed and stared down at the picture again. “I was a cute baby.”

“You were okay.”

Ellie gasped, laughing. She swatted at Beca with the picture. “I bet I was cuter than you were.”

“Oh, well that’s a given. You have your mama’s genes.”

“Thank God, or I’d be vertically challenged like you.”

Beca’s mouth fell open in playful shock. “Okay, whatever, Gigantor.”

Ellie stuck her tongue out. “You’re just mad because I could carry you around like a baby. It wouldn’t even be hard.”

“Hmm, remember how I said you could get your nose pierced? I changed my mind.”

Ellie gaped. “No! No take backs!”

“Too late. I already took it back.”

“Mom!” Ellie huffed and forcefully climbed in Beca’s lap, slumping on top with her full weight.

Beca’s body shook with laughter as she sunk into the couch cushions. “Oh my God, get off.”

“Not until you take back the take back!”

“This isn’t fair and you’re crushing me. Who’s gonna drive you to get it if you squish me to death with your extendo-limbs?”

“I’m getting my license in a couple weeks, I’ll just wait.”

“Then who’s going to pay?”

“Can you even see over the counter to pay?”

Beca pushed at Ellie’s face and Ellie laughed. “You’re so fucking rude.”

“I’m gonna fart.”

“Fart on me and you will be grounded until you’re thirty, I swear to God.” Beca gave another heave and Ellie finally rolled off of her and onto the floor, laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes. Beca shook her head in exasperation and lightly pushed on Ellie’s stomach with her foot. “You’re insane.”

Ellie smirked at her. “At least I’m not shorter than a middle schooler.”

“Come talk to me when you learn some new jokes.”

“Can’t. Hurts to bend down that low.”

Beca rolled her eyes when Ellie laughed so hard she really did fart.

//

There had been a time when Ellie was younger, seven or eight, when she had come home from school and had hardly said a word all afternoon. While Emily helped her with her times tables, all through dinner, during her bath time, she had been quiet, her young face flat and serious.

“She’s freaking me out,” Beca whispered to Emily as they waited for her to change into her pajamas and call them to say goodnight. “What’s wrong with her?”

Emily had frowned worriedly. “I asked her if something was wrong and she said she didn’t want to talk about it.”

“She said she doesn’t want to talk about it? How does she even know that phrase? She’s eight. What kind of repressed bullshi-”

“Mama,” Ellie stuck her head around the door of their bedroom and Beca snapped her mouth shut. “Can you come tuck me in?”

Emily forced a smile. “Yeah, baby, go get in bed and I’ll be there in a minute, okay?”

“Okay.”

Emily sighed as Ellie disappeared. “I don’t know. I asked why not and she said she was thinking about it. I wasn’t gonna push her.”

“The fuck.”

“Why don’t you go try?”

Beca gaped. “Me? I’m not… I can barely talk to you about things, how am I gonna talk to an eight year old?”

Emily scrunched her nose. “She likes you better when it comes to this stuff. She looks up to you.”

“Well, she’s obviously crazy.”

“Beca.” Emily snorted, but her lips ticked upward. “You absolutely cannot say stuff like that about our child. And she has good instincts. I trust her judgment about you, you know.”

Beca playfully raised her eyebrows. “Well, you’re crazy, too.”

“Hm. Very funny.”

Beca sighed. “Fine, but this is going to be super uncomfortable for everyone involved, I can already tell.”

“Uh huh. Hurry up. She’s waiting.” Emily tapped her on the butt to give her a push. Beca grunted, but made her way the few steps down the hall to Ellie’s room. She poked her head into the room.

Ellie was laying in bed, her favorite stuffed animal clutched tightly to her chest.

“Hey,” Beca said. Ellie’s eyes slid over to her as she stepped into the room. “You all ready for bed?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Beca sat down on the edge of the bed. Emily hovered in the doorway, shoulder against the doorframe. “Did you brush your teeth?”

Ellie nodded.

Beca pushed her hair off her neck, dragged her hand softly over Ellie’s cheek. Ellie just stared at her, her eyes wide and serious. Beca could feel the weird energy in the air and she didn’t like it.

“You’ve been really quiet, bud. Did something happen at school today?”

Ellie’s eyes hopped away before landing back on Beca. She shrugged. Nodded.

Beca frowned, suddenly worried. “Was it something bad?”

Ellie shrugged again. “I don’t know.”

“Okay.” Beca pulled the comforter up higher so it was under Ellie’s chin. “Mama said you didn’t want to talk about it, huh? I feel that. Sometimes things make us feel weird and it’s hard to tell people about them.”

Ellie’s mouth twisted. “Yeah.”

“But sometimes it’s hard to talk about them because it feels like we don’t know what to do and we want to figure it out for ourselves. Does it feel like that?”

“A little.”

“A little. Hmm.” Beca nodded thoughtfully. “I get like that, too. But know what helps?” Ellie shook her head and Beca scrunched her nose. “When I tell your Mama. She always helps me feel better.”

Ellie glanced behind Beca at Emily. Then she looked back at Beca. “I don’t think it was bad.”

“You don’t?”

Ellie shrank into her pillow, her eyes wide. “I told Lauren she can’t be my friend anymore.”

Beca could feel Emily stepping into the room behind her, but she kept her eyes on Ellie’s. “Oh. But I thought you liked her?”

“I don’t anymore.”

“Why not?”

“She was being mean to Erin.” Ellie sat up suddenly, her face scrunched in defiance. “She said Erin couldn’t play with us because she runs weird.”

Beca opened her mouth. Shut it. Cleared her throat. “I thought… you didn’t like Erin.”

“Ugh, I don’t! She’s weird. And annoying. And she does run weird.”

Beca felt so out of her depth. Were all girls like this? She’d never had friends who were girls as a kid. “Okay…”

Ellie pouted. “But I don’t think she should have to be alone at recess. Lauren was just mean to her for no reason.” Ellie pounded her fist into the blanket angrily. “So I told her I didn’t want to be her friend. And then she cried.”

“Oh, word?”

Emily sat down on Ellie’s other side. She gave Beca an exasperated look. Beca shrugged.

“Okay, sweetheart,” Emily said gently. “I can see that you’re upset.”

“I’m not,” Ellie huffed.

Emily’s eyebrows shot up her forehead. “You’re not?”

“No.” Ellie slumped back into her pillow. She let out a deep breath.

Emily looked at her curiously. “Even though you hurt Lauren’s feelings?”

“She hurt Erin’s feelings first.”

Emily was quiet a long moment. Finally, she tilted her head to the side. “So can you tell us what’s wrong?”

Ellie shrugged. Her eyes slid back to Beca. “It made me feel bad,” she said in a small voice. “I made her cry.”

Emily pouted at her. “Yeah, that would make anyone feel bad, sweetheart.”

“But I don’t want to feel bad!” Ellie exclaimed, frustrated. “I didn’t do anything wrong! And I really don’t want to be her friend anymore.”

Beca felt her heart crack a little bit. She exchanged a look with Emily. “You’re absolutely right,” she said. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Ellie turned hopeful eyes on Beca, like she’d been waiting for that confirmation all day. “She was being mean.”

“She was,” Emily agreed. She grabbed Ellie’s hand and kissed it. “But you are so good and so strong. Sometimes doing the right thing can be really hard. Sometimes it means we lose our friends, but the best people will do the right thing anyway. And you are the very best.”

Ellie let out a big breath. “I don’t feel like the best. I feel mean.”

“You’re not mean,” Beca said firmly. She looked Ellie in the eyes. “You were very, very kind to Erin by doing that. I’m sure she appreciated it.”

“She didn’t say anything.”

“Sometimes thanking people can be hard,” Emily murmured, her voice soft. “But I’m sure she’s thinking about what you did for her.”

Ellie nodded. Then she let out a huge yawn. Beca laughed. “Hmm, guess that means it’s time for bed.”

“Okay.”

Beca leaned down and kissed Ellie’s forehead. “I love you, bud. And so does your mama.”

“I do,” Emily said, giving Ellie a kiss of her own. “I love you so much.”

“I love you,” Ellie yawned back.

“Are you okay?” Beca asked. “You good to sleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

They finished saying goodnight and Emily hit the light switch as they left, leaving the door open a crack behind them.

“Can you believe our kid?” Beca asked when they were safely back in their room and getting ready for bed themselves. “She told off that bitch with zero hesitation.”

Emily snorted, pulling her sleep shirt over her head. “Beca. You can’t call a third grader a bitch.”

“Well, she was.”

“Still.”

“Kid’s a badass.”

Emily shook her head, smiling over at Beca. “She has a giant heart. She carried that with her all day, upset because she felt bad for hurting that girl’s feelings even after the girl was mean.”

“Well, sucks when you make someone cry. Every time I make you cry on accident I want to gouge my eyes out.”

Emily smiled easily. “She reminds me of you. It sounded like something you would do.”

Beca gaped as she went into the bathroom to brush her teeth, Emily following. “Me? No way. If it was me, I would’ve probably punched that girl in the face.”

Emily laughed. “Okay, maybe not exactly like you.”

“It reminded me of you, actually. You would’ve been friends with that Erin girl even if she was annoying. You’re just nice like that.”

“Ellie isn’t friends with her.”

Beca hummed thoughtfully as she started brushing her teeth. “Well, she’s one of a kind, then.”

Emily smiled at her in the mirror, scrunching her nose. “I love you, Beca.”

Beca frowned, pulling her toothbrush out of her mouth. “What did I do?”

“Nothing,” Emily said. “I’m just happy. We make a good team.”

“Oh. Word.” She hummed happily when Emily wrapped her arms around her middle, her lips against Beca’s neck. “Hey, dude, I’m brushing here.”

“Well, finish.” Beca tilted her head to the side as Emily kissed her way down to Beca’s shoulder. “I wanna make love to my super hot wife.”

Beca didn’t have to be told twice.

//

Beca hadn’t thought about that day in a long time, but it came back to her one night as she got ready for bed. Ellie had been quiet all evening, more subdued than normal, and Beca hadn’t been sure what to make of it.

But as she brushed her teeth, pulled on her sleep shirt, turned down the covers, the memory fluttered to the front of her mind. She hesitated for one moment, then dropped the covers where they were and made her way down the hall to Ellie’s room.

Seeing Ellie sitting up in her bed with earbuds in and scrolling on her phone, she knocked on the half-open door. Ellie looked up at her, surprised.

She pulled out her earbuds. “Yeah?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to say goodnight.”

“Oh. Night.” Ellie smiled distantly and Beca felt that strange tension in the air, that weird energy she didn’t like.

“Are you okay? You seem… off. Did something happen at school?”

Ellie’s eyes slid away from her. “Um yeah, but it’s okay.”

“Oh. Okay?”

“Teddy and I broke up.”

Beca felt her eyebrows lift in surprise. She stepped further into the room. “Oh. Did something happen?”

“No, not really.”

“Well are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Ellie shrugged uncertainly. “I mean, I broke up with him, so I think I have to be okay.”

Beca sat down on the edge of the bed and Ellie crossed her legs underneath her to make room. “I thought you liked him.”

“I do like him.”

“Okay?” Beca frowned. Would girls ever make sense to her? “I don’t get it.”

“I just.” Ellie slumped further down against the headrest. “I don’t like him as much as he likes me. I mean… he said he loved me. And I didn’t say it back.”

Beca blinked. “Oh. I see.”

Ellie pouted. “I like him and he’s so cute and nice, but I just… I don’t love him and I can’t see myself ever loving him. And I don’t think it’s, like, fair to be with someone like that.”

“Oh. No probably not.” She squeezed Ellie’s wrist. “Well, that was really mature of you.”

Ellie shrugged, a grimace twisting her face “I really hurt him, Mom. I feel horrible. He hates me.”

Beca’s heart clenched. “He doesn’t hate you, I’m sure. He’s probably upset, but give it some time.”

“I feel so bad.”

“Yeah I know, but… you didn’t do it out of like, maliciousness. You did it because you knew it would hurt him more to stay with him.”

Ellie glanced away, her face slumping. “I guess. He probably thinks I’m a bitch.”

“He didn’t seem like the type, but if he does, then he’s an idiot.” Beca tilted her head so she could meet Ellie’s eyes. “You’re kind. You’re a good person. Just because you hurt someone doesn’t make that not true. Sometimes it hurts to do the right thing.” She paused. “Do you like, regret it?”

“No,” Ellie sighed. “But it still doesn’t feel good.”

Beca hummed in agreement. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

She patted Ellie’s leg. “You gonna be alright?”

“Yeah.” Ellie shrugged. “Just… like you said. Gotta give it some time. Or something.”

Beca gave her a small smile. “Yeah.” She let out a tired sigh. “Okay. I’m gonna go to bed. Don’t stay up too late.”

“I won’t.”

She leaned forward and kissed the top of Ellie’s head. “You’re a good kid. I love you, dude.”

Ellie scrunched her nose, a tiny smile breaking through. “You’re a good mom. And I love you back.”

“Wow. World peace.”

Ellie laughed. “Please.”

Beca gave her a last pat on the leg and got up. “Get some sleep. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

Beca shut the door behind her, leaving it open a crack. When she was finally back in her own room and in bed with the lights off, she shook her head with a laugh.

“She really is one of a kind, huh?” She whispered.

She could almost see Emily’s returning smile in the darkness.

//

Beca was trying. That’s all she could do.

“Crap,” she hissed, frantically reaching for the spatula. “Shit.”

“What in the world is that?”

Beca elbowed Ellie out of the way as she flipped the half-burnt batter in the pan. “Move it, dude. I’m cooking here.”

“Is that even edible?”

“It’s a crepe.”

“It looks like a… Actually. There’s no accurate comparison to whatever that it is. It looks bad, though.”

Beca snorted. She plated the crepe, frowning down at it. Then she sighed and passed it into Ellie’s hands. “Well. Happy Birthday.”

Emily frowned down at it. “I’m supposed to eat this? You trying to give me food poisoning so I don’t even make it to eighteen?”

“They’re basically pancakes, I didn’t think it would be this hard. Your mama did it all the time.”

“She was good at baking and things like this. But no offense Mom… give it up.”

Beca scoffed and swatted at Ellie with the spatula. “There’s toppings over there on the table. Or feel free to have cereal. You know where it is.”

Ellie laughed and set her plate on the table. She stood over the plate, lathering it up with strawberries and syrup.

“So,” Beca said. “Big day.”

Ellie shrugged. “Guess so.”

“I’ll pick you up right after school and we can go to the DMV and you can take your test.”

“Okay.”

“Do you need a ride to school?”

Ellie shook her head and took a bite of the crepe. “No, Tasha’s picking me up. Hm. This actually doesn’t taste bad if you cover it with so much other stuff that you don’t taste the crepe part.”

Beca rolled her eyes. “Okay. Rude, but whatever.”

Ellie grinned and took another bite. Her eyes slid over to Beca, and she paused, chewing thoughtfully. When she swallowed, she gave Beca a curious look. “Hm. Hey, so you know how year-end parent teacher conferences are coming up?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you gonna go?”

Beca shrugged. “I guess. Should I not?”

“No, you definitely should.”

Beca eyed Ellie suspiciously. “Why? Did you do something?”

“No, what could I do that you wouldn’t know of?” Ellie blinked at her innocently. “It’s just… there’s this teacher, Miss B. She’s the Choir teacher.”

“Choir? You don’t take Choir.”

“I know, that’s why it’s good, see? But Tasha does and Teddy does so, like, I’ve hung around there before and I’m tight with her.”

Beca wasn’t following. “Okay?”

“Well. I was thinking. ‘Cause, like, I overheard her talking to my Bio teacher about her ex-girlfriend. Like girl as in not straight. And ex as in single. And since I’m tight with her and she likes me, I was like, well I’m gonna name-drop you, so I did, right? And she seemed open, you know? So now when parent teacher conferences happen… Well. You get it.”

Beca blinked, trying to process all of that. “You… what I’m getting from this, Elizabeth, is that it’s a setup. And you have already planted this idea in your teacher’s head that I’m interested in her, despite the fact that I haven’t heard about her until this second. Please tell me I’m wrong.”

“Yeah, a little, I mean, she’s not my teacher. But the other stuff was kinda right.”

“Ellie!”

“What?” Ellie gave her puppy eyes, big and brown. “She’s really cool, Mom! She’s so nice and cute. She complimented my nose ring. She’s awesome! You’d like her, I swear.”

Beca flung her arms in the air. “Why? Ellie, why?”

“Becauuuuuuse.” Ellie moved so she was in front of her. She put her hands on Beca’s shoulders. “It’s time. We’re doing so good. And this is an opportunity for you and when I’m gone, who knows how many of those you’ll have that someone will force you to take advantage of. I don’t want you to grow old and lonely. It’s not a good look, dude.”

Beca scowled, her hands circling Ellie’s wrists and taking them off her shoulders. “You’re overstepping so far here I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it.”

“Sorry, it’s just natural to do that when you’re so small.”

“Not… not just that. The dating thing, Ellie!”

“Oh. Right. Word.” Ellie gave her a guilty grin. “My b?”

Beca snorted. “Yeah. Your b.”

“Well.” Ellie sighed, her head lolling back. She pouted at Beca. “I mean… I did already do it, though, like it’s too late now, so? Can’t you just… try?”

“No, I’m so not going now.”

“Mom!” Ellie gaped at her. “No, you have to.”

Beca crossed her arms over her chest. “No, I don’t.”

“But…” Ellie have her puppy eyes again. “It’s my birthday.”

“Oh, stop.”

Ellie let out an exaggerated whine. “Pleeeeease. I swear you’ll like her. She’s really smart and cool and she likes music and she’s pretty hot! All the guys have crushes on her.”

“Yes, Ellie, it’s just what I’ve always wanted. To go out with someone every high school boy is drooling after.”

Ellie grabbed her by the shoulders again and started furiously twisting Beca side to side. Beca tried to swat her away, but her hands were trapped awkwardly between them. “Come onnnnn.”

“Stop this.”

“No.” Ellie twisted her back and forth faster.

“Ellie. I swear to God.”

“I can’t stop until you have some sense knocked into you, Mother.”

“Oh my God, fine, just let me go!”

Ellie’s eyes widened hopefully. They were Emily’s eyes and Beca felt herself softening. “Fine? Yes? You’ll go?”

“Yes, if you stop shaking me around like this!”

Ellie immediately released her. “Wow.”

Beca scowled and stepped back. “You’re so grounded right now, dude.”

“No, I’m not,” Ellie grinned. “Can’t believe that worked...”

“Whatever. It doesn’t mean anything, Ellie, okay? Don’t get your hopes up.”

“Sure, yeah. Course not.” But Ellie was giving her this look that made Beca roll her eyes. Her phone buzzed on the table and she looked at it. “Oh. Shoot. Tasha’s here.” She grabbed her backpack and slung it over her shoulder. “Umm, anyway thanks for the breakfast, it was delicious.”

Beca snorted. “No, it wasn’t.”

“Best food I’ve ever had, swear it.” Ellie leaned down to kiss her on the cheek. “Bye. See you after school. Love you so much!”

“Yeah. Love you.” Beca watched in near-amazement as Ellie skipped into the hallway.

She paused at the picture hanging on the wall and it struck Beca how much she’d grown, how much she’d been through. How much they both had changed. But that laughing girl in the picture had the same smile as the teenager in front of Beca now. It was Emily’s smile. Beca’s heart ached in the best way possible, with a bittersweet kind of love -- for Emily, for Ellie, for them.

Ellie stuck her head back into the kitchen. “Did I ever tell you I love this picture?”

“No.” Beca softened. Gave Ellie a small smile. “I love it, too.”

“It’s so cute. Mama looks so pretty.” There was a horn honk from outside and Ellie rolled her eyes. “Whatever. Gotta go. Love you for real. Bye.”

With a last wave into the kitchen, she was gone, the door shutting behind her.