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“Oh, great-” Mae mumbled under her breath.
Mae had a bad couple of… months. A lukewarm welcome back to her hometown, struggling with her mental health, and wrestling with a dadly murder cult were three things she really didn’t feel like having to deal with, but they were things she took in stride. Of course, to Mae, ‘taking in stride’ meant ‘occupying her mind with useless nonsense to keep her from having to come to terms with her problems and especially her trauma’.
So when Mae had learned that Bea was attending yet another party, she jumped at the opportunity to have an excuse to leave Possum Springs again. More college parties with college kids, Bea had said, perhaps in an effort to dissuade Mae, and Mae, having not learned her lesson from last time, said “sign me up!” without hesitation.
And then there she was, in the same shitty club as last time, with the same shitty people as last time, listening to music she had never heard of, because college kids were just like that, she guessed.
“-Jackie’s here.”
“Really, Bea?” asked a rather disgruntled goat, locking eyes with Mae, who couldn’t help but shrink under the burning glare.
“Really, Jackie.” Bea gave Jackie a look, one that said “cut it out”, something Mae appreciated greatly.
Really, Jackie , Mae would have repeated if it weren’t for that awful intimidating scowl in her direction.
There was an uncomfortable air that surrounded the trio as Jackie shook off whatever negative feelings she had at the time (which, as far as Mae concerned, was all Jackie ever felt).
“Right. Anyway. There’s a couple of guys I think you should meet, Bea. They’re-”
“Okay you guys have fun,” Mae blurted out, interrupting Jackie, which earned a condescending scowl from the goat, a scowl one would give to a hyperactive child, “I’m gonna go dance.”
Bea raised a brow at Mae’s typically untypical behavior. “Uhh, okay.”
Mae mechanically turned and began walking towards the dance floor, forcing herself to turn a blind eye (a deaf ear?) on whatever the two were going to say next. They’re definitely going to be talking about me, she thought, oh, that Mae girl sure is weird and kinda awful.
She really wished she hadn’t had to leave Bea, the two had practically been glued to each other since one awful night involving an underground death cult, and especially so after Gregg and Angus finally made their big move to Bright Harbor. But she just couldn’t stand being around Jackie, or, rather, it seemed that Jackie really couldn’t stand being around Mae. She didn’t need all that negativity in her life.
She scouted around for some time, just waiting for a familiar face to pop up. Sure, Mae had no chance with Beatrice Santello, outside of their friendship, but there was that absolute bombshell who flirted with Mae unrelentingly that one night all that time ago. It was another Jackie party, after all, and Jackie parties seemed to have guests returning again and again. At least, according to what Mae convinced herself she knew about Jackie parties, or Jackie herself.
She approached a stranger, as Mae did, and tapped on their shoulder, who turned around. Mae could see the outline of a tall, sturdy dude through the flashing lights.
“Have you seen a hot girl with blue hair around here?” Mae shouted over the heavy bass threatening to blow the speakers.
“Uhh, which one?” a deep voice returned, loud but barely audible over the thumping of electronic music.
“You know! She has pierced ears! I think. She’s hot. Uhh-”
“This isn’t helping.”
“Fine. I didn’t need your help anyway.”
The figure shrugged, and turned the other way, resuming their rhythmic bouncing.
Mae searched for a while, not for that Bombshell specifically, but for, really, anything to do or someone to engage with that she didn’t need Bea (or, God forbid, Jackie) supervising her for. Drinking was off the table, of course; she had learned her lesson that first week back at home, vomiting on Cole’s shoes and making a scene even outside of that. Dancing was… okay, dancing was fun, but she wanted to save that until she had time with Bea. Dancing felt way more fun when she wasn’t the only one doing it.
All had just about seemed lost when familiar bear caught Mae’s eye; there she was, the Bombshell… trading that secret handshake with some other girl, some bird with bad fashion sense, perhaps even worse than Mae’s. The same expression, and Mae swore if she could read lips she’d be able to see that Bombshell was dropping the exact same Bombshell lines she had dropped on Mae.
Wow. Who does that? Mae thought to herself, Just picking up girls at parties? Wow.
There was a sense of relief. Mae felt like she had dodged a bullet, in some sense. Some total hottie comes out of the blue and shows immediate interest in Mae? Mae Borowski? Perhaps too good to be true. Perhaps it was a trap for… Well, Mae had no idea. It wasn’t like her thoughts were always logical. In fact they rarely were.
But then came that sense of… disappointment. In that letdown of a Bombshell or herself or… whatever, she didn’t really know. She was just disappointed. Just another thing that fell apart in front of her. Like college. Like Possum Springs. Like her friendships. Like…
The world. Shattering into bits and pieces, shapes that only barely resembled what once was the world.
Like herself. Falling apart at the seams at the first sign of trouble all because her brain wasn’t any good.
Disappointment turned to resentment turned to rage turned to fear. Mae’s head spun in an emotional roundabout before finally crashing into a psychological orphanage, or something equally tragic. Before too long, it felt like everything was breaking down around her.
The walls seemed to breathe around her as they slowly closed in on her, crowds of people towering over her like tsunamis threatening to collide against her and crush the life out of her. The drunken shouting of college kids turned into underwater noise. This wasn’t like the shapes. This was different.
Something broke. Mae was drowning.
She needed to get out.
~
“I still can’t believe you brought Mae again.”
Bea lowered her can. Had she not been drinking, she would have cut Jackie off before she could speak her mind. She loved Jackie, but she was just so… brutal, in a way. Sometimes about good stuff. Sometimes about… kind of petty stuff.
“She’s good,” Bea said, sitting her can of soda down with an audible thud, “You might even like her if you give her a chance.”
“After what you told me? She dropped out of college and still hasn’t gotten a job and she’s treated you so terribly, and you’re telling me I should give her a chance?”
“Yes,” Bea answered.
“Even after last time ?”
“Yes,” Bea answered again, her tone sharper.
Jackie stifled a chuckle. “That’s… Wow.”
Bea rubbed her forehead. “Look, Mae’s been through a lot, and she’s quiet about it.”
“What a shock,” Jackie jabbed, eliciting a glare from Bea.
“There’s a lot I didn’t know. I was mad at her too, it’s hard not to be, but I’m over it… mostly.”
“Wow… you’re serious, aren’t you?”
Bea nodded.
Jackie sighed after a short pause she spent deliberating. “Fine. For you, I’ll give her another chance. But if she fucks up again, Bea-”
“Oh, she’ll fuck up again,” Bea interrupted, “But she tries. She really tries. I just want you to be a bit less... Look, I’ll tell her off, myself. The last thing she needs is you insulting her.”
Jackie seemed disappointed, taking a moment to try to come up with some retort, but relented. “Fine, you win. I’ll try and be nicer to Mae.”
“I’ll take it. Thank you, Jackie,” Bea said, her voice softening as Jackie stood down. She took another sip of her soda before continuing, “Can I smoke in here?”
“Not inside, no.”
Bea sighed as she pulled herself out of her seat. “I’ll be back.”
Bea was mad at Jackie. She loved her, but she was just so stubborn at times, and it did get annoying when it was with things she didn’t need to be stubborn with. Like Mae. They really might have been friends if it hadn’t been for Bea and jumping to conclusions, she thought. Or maybe Mae’s recklessness might have prevented that from happening.
Whatever.
The air became noticeably colder as she got closer to the exit. Whoever owned the place didn’t ever really close their doors. The place was kept warm enough, whether it be by great air conditioning or just the will of some almighty presence looking over them, but jeez, closing their doors probably could have saved a lot of money with their heating.
Her train of thought was derailed when she was shoved to the side, some asshole launching themselves up the stairs at a breakneck pace.
“Hey, asshole!” is what her mouth opened to say, but she cut herself off when she saw the familiar back of a certain feline with a lot of problems.
Shit.
“Mae!”
She didn’t respond, she just kept running. Bea began to panic, wondering if Mae was even lucid, or if she was having one of those episodes she described.
Bea said nothing more, simply leaving to the one place she knew Mae would go.
~
Mae arrived to the one other place she knew existed in this town. That bench by the river. The one she had caught Bea at all that time ago. The bench where she had told Mae that she couldn’t not hate her. Just her overly sentimental ass being sentimental towards anything she could assign meaning to. Whatever.
She huddled on the bench, trying to regulate her breathing. In, two, three, four, out, two, three, four. Like she had learned on the Internet. The Internet never lied.
The open space, the cool, calming fresh air and the lack of loud music and college kids much taller than her did alleviate the effects of whatever she was being affected by, at least. No more looming figures threatening to crush her, no more walls closing in. Just an open space in public to be freaked out in.
Eventually, her brain began to slow down. Her breathing became naturally slower, she became more aware. She could breathe, she could see, she could hear. All the good stuff she missed about not being in the middle of some sort of psychological attack.
She observed her surroundings. That bench that she sat on with Bea. She had probably ruined Bea’s night yet again. She wouldn’t have been surprised if Bea stopped letting her come to these stupid parties with her. Hell, she wouldn’t have been surprised if Bea stopped talking to her altogether. Wasn’t like she was the one that cut Mae out of her life the last time. Maybe it was just her turn? Taste of her own medicine?
She stood up, her steps a little heavier than they needed to be with all the anger she put into each stomp. That’s what she felt, now; anger. She was angry at herself. Angry for letting herself get so carried away again, and for something so little. Really? Acting like this over that bombshell? Whatever. Cute people come and go. People you actually cared about are forever.
People like Beatrice.
“I want to break something.”
She kicked the leg of the bench. Hard. Pain shook her leg, but the bench felt nothing. Because it was a bench. She figured she wasn’t going to get anywhere like this.
She stood up on the bench, kicking it in. It was a long and very, very difficult process, and it got her absolutely nowhere. The one thing she was good at, breaking stuff, and she couldn’t even do that right all the time.
Then, after at least five minutes of angry kicking and shouting, she was out of energy. She was tired, and angry, and sad, and she had barely even left a dent in the shitty little bench. She toppled a nearby trash can, kicking at it with all her leftover strength
Then she began to cry because it was the only thing she really knew how to do besides breaking things and making everything bad. Besides, she didn’t have the energy for much else.
She placed herself back on the bench, turned towards the river, stifling sobs. Why was she such a mess when she wanted, needed to function properly? Bea trusted her not to ruin that night and yet she did anyway because of her trash brain. Her parents trusted her to go to college, get an education, really make something of herself, yet she dropped out and began bumming in their attic instead. All because of her trash brain.
“Mae?”
Mae turned, pretending she hadn’t just spent the last fifteen minutes feeling every emotion a person could feel. She could barely see Bea through all the fog.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Just had to get out for a second,” Mae said, trying her best to sound a little better than depressed.
Bea walked towards Mae, putting a hand on her shoulder. She could see the dampness under Mae’s eyes.
“Come on. Let’s get you home.”
“I’m fine. You should get back to the party.”
“Eh,” Bea shrugged, “I was going to leave anyway.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
Mae pulled herself up slowly, skeptical. She didn’t realise how absolutely freezing it was outside as she began to shiver, the heat and high of rage-induced (attempted) destruction finally wearing off. Bea brought an arm around the smaller feline, pulling her closer in, in part to keep some warmth between the two, in part to comfort her friend.
“Are you really okay?”
Mae didn’t respond. Silence spoke for her, instead, and it said “No, Beatrice, I am not okay.”
“What happened?”
Mae held back on speaking for a short while, but gave in when she saw Bea’s expression, one of pure concern. “Idunno,” she said, “Just… everything, I guess.”
“It wasn’t something Jackie said, was it?”
Mae shook her head.
“Good.”
“She hates me, doesn’t she?”
“Jackie? Yeah. She does.”
Mae groaned.
“I told her to lay it off, but she was the person I turned to when you stopped talking to me,” Bea spoke frankly, “So I don’t think she’s being entirely unreasonable.”
“Oh.” Mae’s expression soured further.
The two found Bea’s car, and Mae savored the relative warmth once she found herself inside.
“I’m going to let Jackie know I’m leaving. Stay here.”
Mae nodded as Bea left for the club.
Left alone with her thoughts, she began to think of… everything. How she ruined Bea’s night. How that Bombshell totally played her. How she keeps ruining everything that she touched. That bench? The memories were soiled. Her parents’ house? A work in progress. She probably would have ruined Gregg’s relationship with Angus if it hadn’t been for them moving away. She’s probably going to ruin Bea before she does something with herself. Trap her in Possum Springs forever with her.
“Why am I such a garbage person?”
She leaned forward, placing her head on the dashboard, and letting out an extended groan.
She sat back up to see Bea walking back towards the car. No cigarette hung from her mouth, her having most likely thrown it away as she entered the club. Jackie stood behind her, and the two exchanged some parting words, ones that Mae couldn’t really make out from the car over the intense partying underground. Jackie did look less than pleased, but that seemed like the norm to Mae.
The door opened, and Bea took her seat with an audible sigh.
“I’m sorry,” Mae said.
Bea raised a brow. “Sorry for…?”
“Like, everything. Ruining all these parties. Making you mad all the time... Not being there for you in 7th grade.”
Bea didn’t respond, perhaps a little dumbfounded by Mae’s… sudden apologeticness. She wanted to say ‘it’s okay, I forgive you,’ but the truth was some of those things weren’t just water under the bridge. Sure, parties come and go. Bea was mad all the time, and it was only Mae’s fault half that time, even less since they got closer. 7th grade… 7th grade was behind them. But there was still that pain in her heart, one that hurt so much, one she couldn’t really describe.
“It’s okay. Tonight was kind of dead, actually. Barely anybody there.”
Mae leaned her head on the car door window.
“What happened tonight?”
“Nothing.” Mae didn’t bother looking Bea in the eye as she spoke.
“It’s definitely not nothing.”
“Eeergh,” Mae mumbled, reluctantly giving in, “I saw the Bombshell again.”
“Uhh… Bombshell?”
“She was pulling the same stuff she pulled on me with some other girl. Secret handshake and everything.” Mae sank her face further into the window.
“Ooh. Bombshell.”
“And, Idunno, I just… everything caught up with me, I guess.”
“You ran out like that because you saw a cute girl doing a secret handshake with someone that wasn’t you?”
Mae grumbled. “It’s dumb.”
“It kinda is.” Bea’s smirk and playful tone helped take some of the sting from her comment.
Mae chuckled. A little blunt , she thought, but honest. I can appreciate honest .
“Idunno, everything didn’t make sense, but not like it usually did. Like, I couldn’t hear myself think. Like my brain was loud but not doing anything specifically, just like… being loud.”
“God, were you having a panic attack?” Bea asked, the concern she had for Mae more evident in her tone than usual.
“Idunno. It was just- everything became noise, and like… I just needed to get out.”
“Mae, I think you were having a panic attack.”
Mae shrugged. She had never really had a panic attack, at least not until she had gone out into the woods with Gregg after the cult ordeal and got… overwhelmed. She couldn’t describe what had happened out there, even after Gregg had brought her to his apartment and calmed her down. All she knew was that she hated being in the woods, especially alone, and especially at night.
“Well, in your defence,” Bea began as she slumped into her seat, “You’ve been through… a lot, since you got back.”
“Whatever,” Mae deflected the topic eagerly, “I don’t think I even liked her or anything. Just cute. Idunno.”
“Mmhm.” Bea pulled one of her plastic cigarettes out of the armrest beside her. She knew Mae reacted… poorly to cigarette smoke, and Bea was conscientious enough to not smoke when in such a confined space with Mae. Besides, the car smelled of cigarettes enough as it was, and Bea was making good progress on quitting.
There was silence as Mae tried to pull herself back together. She felt like an idiot. Nothing felt good, and definitely nothing about her.
Bea pulled the car out of the parking space just outside the club, and the two were on their way home.
“Can we stop at Donut Wolf on the way back?”
Bea chuckled to herself, allowing a brief moment before her response. “Sure.” Mae pumped her fist inwards in the most passionate act of expressing her emotions she had made since leaving the party.
The drive felt longer than it should have. Mae bounced her leg nervously the whole drive, unable to contain the energy she had saved up for the party. The party she had ruined for Bea. Again.
Ugh.
Around an hour passed, and the car slowed to a stop outside Donut Wolf. Mae barely even realized until she glanced at the glorious neon sign that stood above the parking lot as Bea pulled the handbrake.
Bea unbuckled her seatbelt with a sigh, and reached to open her car door, but stopped when she noticed Mae wasn’t already halfway across the parking lot.
“Are you feeling alright, Mae?”
“Hm?” Mae asked, clearly distracted, “Oh, yeah. Awooo.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you can do better than that.”
Mae simply frowned harder.
“What’s wrong?”
Mae grumbled a little, but the words that followed spilled out of her mouth like party booze vomit, and were perhaps just as embarrassing, if not more so.
“I stopped talking to you because I liked you, okay?”
Bea’s eyes widened, her jaw agape ever so slightly.
“I liked you. And it was… it was weird, because I was going through all this brain stuff at the time, and it didn’t help that my parents were taking me to church, you know? And I thought ‘dude, Bea is going to hate my guts. Bea would hate my guts if she knew I liked her. Bea would think I’m a freak for liking her.’”
Bea only lowered her jaw, her plastic cig hanging on for it’s dear life, as Mae got more emotional in her words. Tears were welling up in her big red eyes.
“So I just stopped talking to you. Thought I might as well avoid the part that would’ve hurt. The part where you yell at me and call me a freak or something and...”
“Mae…”
“I’m just. So. Sick. Of having to just… make up excuses for being like that, trying to sneak around the fact I had a big dumb crush on you for as long as I remember. I felt like burning trash after I stopped talking to you. I just…”
“Mae, it’s okay.”
Mae leaned forward, hiding her face in her hands as she held back ugly sobs. Bea reached over to rest a comforting hand on Mae’s back. “Is that really how you feel?”
“How I felt,” Mae corrected Bea readily.
“Well…” Although she tried to hide it, the words got caught in Bea’s throat, “how do you feel now?”
Mae sniffled, looking up at Bea with her big red nightmare eyes. “Would you think I was like… Idunno, bad, if I still liked you?”
Bea was fully aware of how self-incriminating that was, but humored the feline. “No. I wouldn’t.”
“Well…”
Mae let her eyes get lost in Bea’s for that magical moment, that moment before she did something that, one way or another, would have been very stupid.
“Yeah. I kinda, sorta, do still like you.”
Bea smiled, sincerely and warmly. “Yeah, I thought so,” she chuckled softly, causing shivers to crawl up Mae’s back.
Oh God , she thought, she knew??
“And while we’re here…” Bea looked away for a moment, clearly hesitant, “I like you, too.”
Oh God .
Mae didn’t respond. She couldn’t. She just sat there, staring at Bea with dead eyes.
Bea rested her head on top of her arm on the steering wheel with an audible exhale, “Yeah. I don’t know since when, but ever since, like… all of that, I just... I just figured it out, I guess?”
“I thought you were straight?”
“Yeah, I did, too,” Bea chuckled that wheezy chuckle, “Let’s just say it took me a while.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah, wow’s right.”
There was a moment of silence as both realized they had no idea how go forward with all their feelings now out in the open for the first time.
“So, like… are we girlfriends now?” Mae asked.
“Smooth,” Bea jested, “But is that what you want?”
“Yeah!” Mae shouted, seemingly unconsciously, before backing down, “I mean, if you want to-”
“Yeah,” Bea interrupted Mae as she sat upright, slouching back in her seat, her hand sliding onto Mae’s and grasping it tight, “That’d be nice.”