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It’s been five days since the snap.
Five days since Bucky has put on the metal arm that signifies a fight is about to happen. Five days since he’s heard Sam’s smart-ass comments about him being old. Five days that Shuri hasn’t helped him understand that he’s completely healed from what HYDRA did to his head. Five days since his little angel has gotten to feel her papa tuck her in and kiss her goodnight.
Five days since he’s seen the love of his life, Anthony Edward Stark.
It wasn’t until two days after being taken back to Stark Tower with his angel when Pepper and Rhodey had pulled him aside and told him the words that made his heart drop into his stomach.
Pepper grabbed his hand and squeezed tightly. “James, no one has heard from Tony since before the snap happened. We don- we don’t know what happened to him.” Pepper’s voice cracked when she broke the news. Rhodey gripped his shoulder and continued where Pepper left of off, but Bucky didn’t hear a thing. Everything sounded far away and staticky, he felt his world begin to collapse, but he had to hold some part of it together for his angel.
These past five days had been terrible with the not knowing whether Tony was snapped away like half the world was, dead somewhere on another planet or stuck up in space with no way to contact anyone. Bucky had to believe his love was alive, or it would take the little bit of soul he had left.
“Daddy, I want papa and horsie, pease!” Bucky’s angel cheerfully asked as she skipped into the bedroom. Pulling his angel into his lap, he began telling her the fabricated story of how her fathers had met.
Living in memories was one of the ways Bucky was coping – and now that it was less than two weeks away from their anniversary of officially getting together, Bucky had begun reliving their first times.
~~~~~~~
The first time Tony ever went to Wakanda to “have a talk” with Bucky, was on the thirteenth of February. It was the first time they would see the other since the fight in Siberia where Bucky had just lost his arm for the second time and was still processing the feelings that came with losing an arm and Tony was almost killed by the hands of a friend that held the shield Tony’s own father created. So, when Tony showed up at his little farm, it wasn’t a friendly visit. But walking into Bucky’s little hut to see him sitting execution style in the middle of the room, it hurt Tony’s heart. It was like Bucky was expecting nothing less than him dying on that day. Seeing Bucky down on his knees, mumbling to himself that he deserved it, that he didn’t blame Tony for needing to do this and that he was forgiven, shocked him to his core.
Tony tried to hold on to his anger the best he could, tried to keep the images of this man – no, of this thing – killing his parents, murdering his mother just because she was in the car. But the second he placed his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, to have this thing face him when Tony gets his revenge, he felt Bucky’s entire body go slack.
That was the straw that broke Tony’s back.
If this man was a cold-blooded murder like Tony has been picturing in his head for months, then wouldn’t he be at least putting up a fight to explain himself? That’s what was fucking with his head so much. This guy, who killed his parents and probably hundreds of other innocents over the past 70 years, was just giving in to his death without trying to explain away like Rogers did for him.
So, running off gut instinct, Tony squeezed Bucky’s shoulder and sits next to him while demanding an explanation. Which is precisely what Bucky does and they spend the entirety of the night talking about both of their lives and all the bad shit they’ve gone through along with all the good things in their lives.
Early the next morning, Tony gave Bucky an untraceable phone and promised to call him the second he could once he returned to Stark Industries – and he did. From that point on it became a very beloved habit to both men.
~~~~~~~
It was hard that first night after he had dreamt Tony had showed up in Wakanda. He felt like he didn’t have anyone to lean on since it was just always the two of them after Tony came to Wakanda the first time. He knew he had said goodbye to friends and family before, but with the conditioning HYDRA had put him through, mourning had become like a distant memory — he didn’t remember the true meaning of loss. He was always the one that died,it was never his problem and now he realizes he never wants to be in this position ever again.
Now that Bucky didn’t have his rock next to him, how was he supposed to mourn his new friends? How in the hell was he supposed to mourn the love of his life?
He didn’t have Shuri or Sam anymore, Steve had become a shell of his former self. He was alone on his side of the fence. After the fight in Siberia, he knew Tony had Rhodey and Pepper to always lean on and now we they had each other to hold on to through these times of not knowing. There was no way he could possibly go to them to help him get through this because they probably wanted Bucky dead since he was the reason Tony almost died in Siberia.
During the nightly dinners that were still set up, courtesy of Tony, Bucky tried to make amends with his love’s two best friends. He tried to apologize for what happened in Siberia, for killing Tony’s parents, for all of the things he’s done to hurt Tony — knowingly or unknowingly — but they never fully forgave him. That didn’t mean Bucky wouldn’t sit near them at the dinner table to feel the pieces of Tony they had in them, or that he would occasionally brush against them when walking down the hallway to get that same shock power his love used to give off. But he knew it wasn’t enough to fill even the smallest corner of his heart.
With all this running through his mind, Bucky knew he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep.
“You’re not sleepy anymore, daddy? Did you have a bad dream?” He heard his angel’s soft voice melt from the darkness. “That’s okay, we can go look at the pretty night lights like we did with papa after I had bad dreams.”
So, with his angel by his side, he decided to go outside and look at the night sky – something he and Tony would do in Wakanda every time he came to visit and he had nightmares from his winter soldier days.
~~~~~~~
Every time Tony showed up, they spent the day together inside, wrapped up in each other’s arms. But near the end of the night he would drag Bucky outside to stare up at the clear Wakandan skies. Just holding each other, and little mentions of the future together while looking at the night sky would help center them both. Tony wanted Bucky to enjoy the small things like how visible the stars were or how relaxing the quiet could be — even if there was something bad waiting around the corner. He knew Bucky needed to feel safe no matter where they went, and he wanted the night sky to be one of those safe places.
Some nights, Tony would anticipate Bucky having a nightmare or a hard time dealing with his PTSD and would set up a small area to lay with his soldier under the stars, watching the world slowly turn. Some days days were easy to recover from and others took longer to get through to Bucky and let him know he was safe – especially when Tony had a busy day as Iron Man or dealing with SI problems.
Tony would allow him to lay his head in his lap to allow Bucky to feel both his two safest places at the same time — of being in Tony’s arms and safe underneath the night sky and bright starts. Bucky would feel his body relax as Tony ran his fingers along Bucky’s flesh arm to help ease the tense muscles. Fingers running through his hair, love around him and the stars watching over them both would let Bucky relax fully. He would relax completely, knowing there wasn’t a dangerous fight coming, or that there is someone hunting either one of them down to kill or hold captive.
There were many nights that Bucky and Tony were allowed a break from their past traumas and their future problems to be able to sleep under the stars that kept them safe.
With knowing there isn’t something bad waiting for him or his Love, it will always be hard to actually believe it. So the times in which their safe bubble was first created, it was a very much need peace of mind .
~~~~~~~
It’s been two years since the snap. Two years since Bucky has felt Tony wrap him up in his arms. Two years since he’s felt his love’s lips connect with his own. Two years since he’s seen the sparkle in his angel’s eyes. Two years since he’s felt the warmth and light Tony brought to his soul.
On the good days, Bucky stood outside for hours talking to his love. He would tell Tony how he’s not doing so well without him, how much their angel misses her papa, how quiet it’s been without his voice always in his ear. How cold it was without his love wrapped around him like he always was, or how lonely he felt.
On the bad days, Bucky would go outside in the pouring down rain, he’d even go stand outside in the middle of a snow blizzard. Those were the days Bucky would yell, scream as loud as possible and beg for someone – beg for anyone who was listening — to let him trade places with Tony. He would beg for hours because he is the one who has done the terrible things that deserve the possibility of isolation or death. He was the one who has murdered for years and got away with it, he’s the one who has killed innocent people without thinking twice and he’s the one who deserves to suffer.
“Daddy! Stop! Please! I’m begging you, please!” His angel was crying out in glee as Bucky continued to tickle her.
But once his mind had registered what his angel was crying out — whether it was with glee or not — it began to remind him of the day when he knew Tony deserved to know his demons and everything he remembered during his time as the Winter Soldier.
~~~~~~~
It was about six months into their relationship when Bucky started becoming a little distant with Tony.
He wouldn’t answer his phone calls right away and when he finally did answer, he kept his answers short and simple. When Tony came to Wakanda, Bucky would flinch when he was touched and hoped Tony never noticed – but of course his love picked up on it.
He knew Tony would figure it out, he just hoped it would be later rather than sooner.
His love had cornered him inside his little hut. There was space where Bucky could run, but he knew this conversation was bound to happen and decided it was going to be harder to do later. Bucky tried to stay strong, tried so hard to keep his demons to himself because he didn’t want his love to be disgusted with him. He needed to keep all things he remembered about his time with HYDRA to himself, no one needed to know the horrors he was a part of.
Bucky didn’t want taint his stars or his love with his darkness, so he tried his best to stay away from them so they could continue to bloom in the sun.
But of course, he would fall in love with a man just as stubborn as him and he wouldn’t give up until Bucky explained what had him pulling back. He had never seen his love pleading like this. He could hear the cracks in his voice when he asked if it was him, if he caused Bucky to pull back, if he finally realized he was better off without a Stark chaining him to the ground. And that is what broke Bucky.
Bucky fell into his love’s arms and cried his heart out. He tried his best to explain how his nightmares have returned and so have some of the memories. How when he wakes up after nightmares it's almost like he could still feel the evil in him, swirling around, trying to find some part of him to latch on to again. How his worst nightmare and his biggest fear is that evil taking root inside his soul again but instead of going after innocents or anyone of importance to the world, the Winter Soldier would go after Tony, Sam, Steve and the rest of the team, and he wouldn’t stop until he had ended the entirety of the Avengers.
His love held him and whispered that Winter was gone. He wasn’t ever coming back because Shuri had helped take that evil out. Tony stayed with him for an entire week and helped piece his soldier back together, to show Bucky that nothing he ever said could make him run. The only place he would be running is straight into his soldier’s arms or right past him to protect him from any harm. That week, although it started out terribly, ended in a way neither of them expected.
That was when their first “I love you” was said to each other.
~~~~~~~
It was two years and seven months, that every night Bucky goes into Tony’s bedroom and breaks apart. Two years and seven months that both Rhodey and Pepper piece him back together to the best of their ability until Tony comes back home – if Tony comes home. When they aren’t in the room with Bucky, FRIDAY keeps them updated on how bad it is the nights Bucky goes silent. Those silent nights are the ones where Pepper and Rhodey must ground him by reminding him he’s got an angel that is counting on him. An angel that needs him whole.
The silent nights are when he mourns his love. Those nights come after days that he could see the sadness in his angel, of not having her papa around. Yelling at the sky that Tony deserves to be here with his family while Bucky is the one who deserves to be stranded on a planet or snapped into dust. He deserved all the bad things that would rip out someone’s soul. His love deserved nothing but the best.
The loud nights are when he fights to believe his love is still out there. But no matter the type of night Bucky is having, no matter what he says to himself in the privacy of his own room or anywhere in the tower – Tony hears it all.
**
Over two years’ worth of recordings FRIDAY has been sending to Tony’s suit to let him see how his loved ones are doing — rather than keeping them in a secured file like Ms. Potts asked because Rhodey believes if Tony is alive somewhere, he’d work harder knowing his partner and little girl needed him.
Tony hears absolutely everything. He hears when Bucky is begging someone to let him take Tony’s place, he hears all the memories Bucky relives on the good and the bad days. He hears how broken his soldier is, Tony can feel the pieces of his Bucky breaking every single day he’s not there. He can hear how Pepper and Rhodey try to take care of his soldier for him and how they cling to each other to stay afloat because Bucky needs them more than over.
Over two years of not being able to give Bucky responses because he’s been breaking apart his suit to find a way to help get him home. Two years of witnessing his soldier’s heart in a constant state of heartbreak. Over two years of agony of not having a way to tell Bucky what happened. To let anyone know and to let his soldier know that he’s okay, he’s as safe as he can be and he’s doing all he can.
He needed someone to scream it from the rooftops for him. Bucky needs to know that Tony’s coming home to his soldier.
**
It’s been over two years that Bucky has held on to this ring. The ring that he had gotten to propose to his love. Two years that Bucky has been rewriting his vows to Tony. He’s done it over a hundred times and after every version he reads them out to the sky to see how Tony feels about it. Waiting for a sign to say, “it’s perfect soldier”, but that never happens. The sign never comes so Bucky just keeps rewriting until the vows are perfect – are worthy enough – to be heard by Tony Stark.
“That sounds perfect, daddy! Papa will love it, I know he will!” His little angel happily chirped out as Bucky finishes his one hundred and seventy-third reading.
Bucky doesn’t say anything as he pulls his little angel into his arms, he just shakes his head because he doesn’t feel like he would be or have anything worthy enough for his love, but Bucky would absolutely die trying to prove himself.
~~~~~~~
It was finally the day.
The day in which James Buchanan Barnes was going to ask the love of his life, Anthony Edward Stark to marry him.
Everything was planned out with the help of Shuri, there was a table set up in the Royal Palace for dinner, but before that, Shuri had helped orchestrate a path that feature the best views Wakanda has to offer. That’s all Bucky needed, he didn’t need to do anything fancy or go all out with proposing, since the beginning it was always just him and Tony. There wasn’t any need to bring all these strangers in for their intimate moment.
Tony always came around the same time, he never came later than an hour past the usual time of 11 in the morning.
So when it was a little after one in the afternoon he started to get nervous that his love hadn’t arrived yet. But Bucky was always nervous that Tony would wake up and realize he deserved so much better than a brain-washed former assassin who was ordered to kill his parents. And Bucky truly believed Tony deserved better than him. But he knew, he knew Tony wouldn’t just abandon him, that didn’t help curb the feeling that he wasn’t ever going to see his love again.
It was five hours past the time Tony usually showed up and Bucky was on the edge of full-blown panicking, but that’s when the jet finally came through the barrier. Bucky walked towards where it was landing, and he could feel his heartbeat pick up tremendously. But the second he saw his best friend step out, he knew his fear of never seeing his love again was turning into reality.
The fight to save the universe. The biggest fight to date, the only fight the team willingly let Bucky fight beside them. The fight he knew would end in heartbreak.
And he was right.
~~~~~~~
It was coming up on five years without his love, and the days never got easier to get through. Nothing ever changed, he still talked to Tony every night, still told his angel stories of her papa Tee, still cried some nights in Tony’s bedroom. Most importantly, he never gave up hope that someday Tony would come back from wherever he was - the snap or otherwise.
The nine year anniversary of the day they got together, and the sixth birthday of his little angel was coming up tomorrow and there were a lot of feelings going through Bucky that he couldn’t explain.
Once it hit midnight and became the thirteenth of February, Bucky walked outside to talk to his love. He had his three-hundredth rewrite of his wedding vows for Tony and had decided months -- no, years ago -- that this would be the night he married the love of his life, whether Tony was back or not. His angel was right by his side because they were going to sleep under the stars tonight to be closer to their missing piece. She was squeezing Bucky’s hand as tightly as she could, trying her best to give her daddy all the strength she could and she stood the tallest she could just like papa always told her too.
They walked over to the blankets laid out to sleep on and Bucky had to gaze up at his stars to center himself before he began reading his vows to his husband-to-be.
As he was reading, he could feel his face becoming wet and his angel had began hiccoughing out sobs the more Bucky read to the stars. He could hear his angel whisper out her agreements to his vows, hoping that would help bring her papa home. It was almost two hours later when Bucky’s vows were finally coming to a close, he was trying to pull himself back together as he stood back up to grab the lantern that held the first version of Tony’s ring.
As he started to light it up, his angel spoke out with her raspy voice, “daddy, can I hold it before you let it go, so papa has a piece of me too?” Bucky’s heart broke a little more at the expression on his angel’s face and he handed it to her before looking back up to the night sky.
Focusing on how the stars looked brighter tonight, Bucky wasn’t sure if he heard his angel gasp or if it was his mind playing tricks on him, so he brushed it off for the time being. He felt her grab his hand and glanced down at his angel who had a twinkle in her eyes again, for the first time since Tony disappeared.
“Let’s finish this, daddy, together.” She smiled so sweetly as she waited for him to say his final words of the night.
“With this ring, Anthony Edward Stark, I am yours like you’ll forever be mine. My heart belongs to you, my soul is yours to keep, my stars are yours to gaze at, and my angel is your guidance. You were and always will be the first person I run too, you will always be the one look to when I need advice to raise our girl, you will forever be the one who I count on. You are worthy of the family you have with us, with Rhodey and Pepper and the team. You deserve every good thing that has ever happened to you. You are perfect, my love, and now, you are my husband as I am yours.”
Bucky lets go of the lantern and waits for it to rise to the stars, but when it doesn’t he turns to where his angel was and finds her missing too. It makes a surge of panic go through him as he spins around to find no one in the backyard with him.
He begins walking back to where their blankets still lay and when he glances up to the empty field and he drops to his knees. Hands clutched to his chest, breathing erratic, tears streaming down his face -- he’s breaking down and becoming a complete mess.
Because in the middle of that empty field, is now husband, Anthony Edward Stark, with the biggest grin on his face.
“That was perfect, soldier. Perfect just like you are, baby.” Tony whispers out once he has placed himself right in front of his sweetheart. Bucky is still speechless, tears are still streaming down his face, but he is now clinging onto any part of his love he can get his hands on mumbling things at one hundred miles per hour.
Helping Bucky stand up, Tony guides him to sit back on the pile of blankets right next to the tree where their little girl is practically vibrating as she waits for them. The second she sees Tony she curls around his back and whispers, “here is your ring papa, daddy was gonna send it to you but I saw you come back.”
Tony kisses her forehead and wraps his arms around both her and Bucky whispering in their ears that he’s sorry he’s been gone so long, he’s sorry couldn’t get home sooner, and he’s so sorry that he broke the hearts of his babies. For hours, they sit there, wrapped up together, healing the broken cracks they have all sustained over the five years they were apart. They stay like that all night long, it’s only about six in the morning as the sky is just starting to lighten up and their stars are disappearing, that they finally drift off to sleep, their girl having knocked out shortly after the cuddlefest.
The last words said on that early morning as they slipped into the best sleep either of them has had in over five years, was the first “I love you” said as fiancé's.