Work Text:
Condensation formed as Chan breathed out, warm air onto the tinted windows of the car. Outside a serene scenery unfolded, snow covering the pine trees as they fell in heaps from the sky. Chan reveled in the moment, so different from the usual fast pace of idol life.
Silence filled the car disturbed only by the soft roar of the engine as his manager focused on the road ahead of him. The absence of noise was rare in Chan’s life. If noise didn’t take the form of music then it was the constant banter that living with 7 growing boys brought. The silence was pleasant, yet it also emphasized his loneliness. The van, which was typically full, contained only him and his manager. It left Chan feeling odd; in limbo between contentment and solitude.
Before his eyes, cars streamed past, disturbing the white painting of snow. Chan wondered where these people were heading.
To work?
Home?
Back to the arms of their families?
Lovers?
His phone vibrated in his pocket, disturbing his musings. He pulled the device from his pocket. Warmth filled his chest as he answered the call.
“Minho?”
“Are you almost home Chan? I just want to know when I can start cooking dinner.”
Chan glanced at his manager. Pulling the phone away from his mouth he called out “Hyung? Minho’s asking how much longer it will take to reach the dorm.”
His manager glanced at the GPS before fixing his eyes on Chan through the rear-view mirror “About an hour”
Chan smiled “Thanks Hyung!” Pulling the phone close again he relayed their manager’s words to Minho.
“Alright, I’ll get started then. By the way, the kids want to watch a movie tonight, any special requests?”
Chan laughed “Nah, let them pick.”
“Get home safely Chan”
A soft smile played on Chan’s face “I promise”
Pocketing his phone, Chan leaned his cheek against the icy window watching the snowflakes fall. His mind drifted as the kilometers rolled by, a melody forming. He would have to write it down when he got home but for now, he was content just sitting and enjoying the moment.
_
“I promise,” Chan’s voice said over the speaker.
Minho put down the phone, letting Chan’s words wash over him. He didn’t understand why he missed Chan’s presence so much. This wasn’t the first time Chan had a solo schedule for the day, he should be used to this but…something was different today. There was a deep feeling of wrong, like Chan’s absence from his side was a mistake.
A movement of white caught Minho’s attention. Turning he noticed it had started to snow. Mimho wondered if Chan saw the same sights from where he was. It made him envy the snow that fell for they had already reunited with Chan yet here he was still waiting. A sigh escaped Minho's mouth as he checked the clock on his phone.
17.30
Only an hour and he would be home, back by his side.
Pushing his qualms aside, Minho headed to the living room, trying to fill Chan’s void with the presence of the rest.
Warmth radiated from the scene he walked into, so different from the cool weather just outside the window. Hyunjin was hanging off a dozing Felix buried under blankets. Changbin and Jisung, both covered in cozy sweaters were sitting in a corner, likely discussing composition ideas. Jeongin sat alone leaning on the couch under his own blanket.
Minho crossed the room, putting his phone down on the table before sitting in the empty spot on the couch. Reaching for the maknae, he ruffled his hair teasingly Jeongin grunted, briefly avoiding his hand before giving up and cuddling into his side. Minho let himself revel in the touch of their youngest, a comfortable atmosphere settling over the living room. Jisung and Changbin’s quiet discussion punctuated the silence, lulling the rest.
Seungmin entered the room, a fond smile on his lips as he watched the domestic display unfold “Am I missing out on the party?” he asked amused.
“Replace me,” Minho told him as he detangled himself from Jeongin “I am going to get started on dinner”
Felix perked up at his statement “Chan-hyung will be home soon then?”
The mention of Chan’s name perked the attention of the rap line. A small smile played on Minho's face. It was adorable to see how much the rest missed Chan’s presence despite his short absence. “Yeah, he said about an hour”
Felix pouted; an hour was too long.
Minho reached over and ruffled his hair. “Why don’t you guys discuss which movie you want us to watch? Chan said to let you guys pick.”
Hyunjin scrambled up, pushing Felix off the process “I WANT TO WATCH AQUAMAN!”
Felix let out a loud wail at the disturbance. The noise prompted Jisung to abandon Changbin and replace Hyunjin’s empty spot at Felix’s side. “We already watched a superhero movie this week” he groaned as he cuddled Felix.
Voices expressing their opinions rose from all corners of the room as Minho left heading to the kitchen to prepare dinner. Hopefully, they would have agreed on something by the time Chan showed up, he mused as he turned on the oven, heat quickly filling the once unoccupied room.
_
Lost amidst his thoughts, Chan almost missed it. One second the snow was falling, engine roaring softly, the next he was thrown against the car door harshly, the screech of the tires ringing in his ears. His vision swam, limbs still frozen from their previous inactiveness. Regaining his senses, he forced his limbs to unlock pulling himself up just in time to see it. It was coming too fast for him to react, yet it was like the world had pushed the slow button. He saw everything; bright lights piercing through the snow, coming closer.
Closer
Closer
And then the world exploded.
_
The ring of the phone breaks through the chaos of the living room, chilling the heated disputes. Jeongin untangled himself from Seungmin reaching for the phone. Bringing the phone up he checked the caller ID.
Channie <3
“MINHO-HYUNG!” he shouted, “IT’S CHAN-HYUNG!”
Seungmin rose from the couch, grabbing the phone from the maknae’s hand in the process. Pressing the call button, he moved towards the kitchen where he knew Minho was residing.
“Chan-hyung, why are you taking so long? You better be home soon if you still want food.” He whined voice laced with equal parts of mischief and annoyance.
Static answered him; Chan’s voice oddly absent. An icy chill crept up Seungmin's spine as his brows furrowed. The prolonged lack of noise amplified his uneasiness. “Hyung?”
Seungmin felt Minho's warm presence manifested behind him. He turned to meet him, “It’s Chan” Seungmin mouthed before passing the device to him.
Minho's eyebrows furrowed in puzzlement as he pressed the phone to his ear “Chan?”
“Mi-Minho” A heavy breath resounded through the speaker.
“Why are you calling again? In fact, why aren’t you here yet?” Questions spilled from Minho’s mouth, looking for answers to ease his confusion. “Did Manager-nim get stuck in traffic?”
“I… I…Manager-nim is… he is…” Chan’s breath sped up as he struggled to utter out words.
Chan’s reaction prompted more questions than answers in Minho’s mind. Why did the mention of their manager make Chan anxious? Had he gotten scolded by Manager-hyung? Minho knew how much Chan took critics to heart. “Chan? Are you okay?” He asked trying to soothe his leader.
A slow exhale then “I’m…I’m okay.” Silence reigned before it was followed by a quiet “ I just wanted to hear your voice.”
A small glow filled Minho's heart. He would push his concern aside for now. They would talk about it later, face to face. He took a breath to steady himself.
“You’re so sappy Channie. The kids are waiting for you to start the movie. I’ve made food but I can’t promise it will be still there if you keep taking so long to arrive, you know how they are when it comes to food.”
“…. Thank you Minho"
Minho laughed “No need to thank me Channie. Just be home soon okay? You promised.”
A laugh “I- yeah, I promised. I’ll be with all of you soon. I’m…I’m sorry, I always make you worry. I wish…I could have been better.”
Could have been? Anxiety filled Minho's chest, something felt off. A silent gesture beckoned Seungmin to come closer. Minho turned the phone on speaker mode.
“Chan- Chris, where are you?” Seungmin raised his eyebrow at his use of Chan’s English name; it only came out during serious discussions.
“Should I call the rest hyung?” Seungmin whispered.
“No, I don’t want to worry them.” Minho quickly answered. Raising his tone, he repeated his previous question. Silence echoed in the kitchen. Minutes ticked back, each robbing the warm atmosphere of the kitchen replacing it with bitter fears.
THUD
A loud noise cut through the icy silence. Minho and Seungmin glanced at each other, dread painting their faces.
“CHAN!? Chan, please answer me.” Minho pleaded
Seungmin grabbed the phone and upped the volume to maximum, desperate for any information that could shed light on the situation. Only faint rustling and the howls of the wind exited the speaker.
“Chan…Chan? Are you there?” Minho’s voice reverberated in the kitchen.
CREAK
Minho and Seungmin whipped their heads towards the source of the noise.
“What’s wrong with Chan-hyung?” Felix’s small voice came from where he stood by the kitchen door.
Minhk stared at Felix as his brain tried to supply an answer. He glanced at Seungmin who was equally answerless. Tension rose as Felix’s eyebrows furrowed at the lack of answers. Surging forward Felix grabbed the device from Minho's hand.
“Hyung?”
_
Consciousness filtered in slowly. His ears rung as he became aware of the smell of gasoline. Chan peeled his eyes open to be greeted by white. He was in…the snow? Where was the car? Where was hyung?
Chan grunted as he pushed himself on his side before hoisting himself up to his knees. He looked around searching for signs of life. In the distance, he could make out the form of the van. It laid ruined, the door was torn off and the windows shattered. Beside it laid another vehicle in a similar state of destruction.
“Hyung?” Chan shouted.
Only the howls of the wind replied to his cries.
“ANYONE?” Desperation crept into his tone.
He was alone. Just him and the falling snow.
Chan shivered, suddenly aware of how cold he was. His thin sweater provided little warmth in the face of the biting wind. He winced as his head throbbed, hand shooting up to soothe the pain. He pulled it to away revealing it painted red. He watched in slow motion as blood slipped from his fingers dropping into the snow. The blood spread, staining white perfection. Soon more drops joined, painting a picture on the snowy canvas and Chan could only stare on in awe, a strange disconnect present.
Then reality hit him.
Pain.
Pain like he had never experienced.
It crashed into him like a tidal wave, no longer kept at bay by the adrenaline. Hot agony shot through Chan as crumbled to the ground, huddling in the cold snow. His eyes burned as his mind attempted to process the fire that seeped through his body. He laid there for what seemed like years, tears streaming down his face, mixing with the blood until it became unclear what was staining his face. His lungs heaved as panic filled his being. The pain was all-consuming leaving no room for rational thoughts. He prayed for the end to come.
‘Get home safely Chan’ Minho's ghost whispered
‘I promise’
Clarity slapped back into Chan. He had promised. Promised to make it home to Minho. He couldn’t just give in. Chan forced his lungs to take in air, each breath becoming easier than the last. Raging fire dimmed giving way to numbing cold. Only one thought remained.
Woojin
With a singular focus, Chan obliged his frozen fingers to reach into his pocket where he hoped his phone had stayed. Fingers skimmed the cold device, blood making it hard to grasp as he pulled it out. By force of habit, he managed to find Minho's number. He pressed the call button, turning it on loudspeaker before lowering the device towards his face.
The ringing pierced through the silence. Worry invaded Chan as each ring was followed by the next. Would Minho even pick up? Chan watched as breaths left his mouth, forming clouds that were immediately blown away by the heartless wind. He shivered, his teeth chattering as he waited for a sound…a voice…anything.
“-hyung- “
Seungmin.
Chan let out a small gasp, tears escaping from his eyes as he let Seungmin's voice wash over him like a balm.
“Chan?”
Emotions overwhelmed him, choking him. His mouth opened uselessly as the words remained traps in his throat. He wanted to speak so badly, but he didn’t know where to even start.
“Chan?”
Minho.
Relief flooded his chest.
“Mi-Minho” was all Chan managed to wheeze out as fresh tears made their way down his face. A breath he didn’t know he was holding squeezed past his lips.
“Why are-home?” It was hard for Chan to focus on Woojin’s rushed questions “-Manager-nim?”
Ice cold washed over him as the mention of their manager reminded Chan of his current predicament. He was alone in the middle of winter, wearing only a thin sweater that had already soaked through. He was bleeding out. If his injuries didn’t kill him first, the cold would. Panic flared in Chan. Why was he alone? What had happened to hyung? Why was no one coming? Thoughts consumed him, chest clenching as breaths came out in short bursts.
“I… I…Manager-nim is… he is…” Chan struggled out.
His lungs screamed as air failed to enter. He was drowning. The snow was burying him. It would cover his body and they would never find him. His members would never see him again.
“Chan? Are you okay?”
Minho's voice cut through the torment of thoughts, stabilizing him.
Slowly, air entered his lungs once more. He counted to ten then slowly exhaled “I’m…I’m okay.”
He didn’t want Minho to be alarmed, it would only cause him pain. Only one person needed to suffer and it was him. He needed to find an excuse for his call.
“I just wanted to hear your voice”
The lie felt bitter the moment he uttered it. Shame filled Chan.
“You’re so sappy Channie. The kids are waiting for you to start the movie. I’ve made food but I can’t promise it will be still there if you keep taking so long to arrive, you know how they are when it comes to food.”
Dimly, Chan wondered what miracle he had done in his previous life to earn him the love of Lee Minho. He was so grateful to have met him. Words could not describe the depth of his affection and care for Minho
"...Thank you, Minho” Chan settled on.
Thank you for being by my side. Thank you for taking care of the other members with me. The rest stayed unsaid.
Minho laughed “No need to thank me Channie. Just be home soon okay? You promised.”
A bitter laugh escaped his mouth “I- yeah, I promised.”
He had always been terrible at keeping promises. Chan felt it in his bones that he would be breaking this one too.
“I’ll be with all of you soon,” Chan twisted the truth to keep Woojin in the dark. “I’m…I’m sorry, I always make you worry. I wish…I could have been better.”
His words cracked as his eyes burned. Tears raced down his cheek into the snow, melting the crystals. Chan felt so cold. So tired. He just wanted to rest.
“Chan- Chris, where are you?” Minho's voice sounded serious now, all traces of happiness gone.
Something in his tone must have clued in Minho that something was wrong. Ice raced in his veins, making his limbs feel heavier and heavier. His clumsy fingers let go of his phone, unable to grasp it any longer as a violent shiver ran through his body.
“CHAN!? Chan, please answer me” Minho's voice desperately called out for him.
He wanted to answer him, but the effort felt excruciating. A part of his brain was screaming at him to reach for the device, to reassure Minho, to keep his promise and make it home to his group, but he felt exhausted. His eyelids dropped without his permission.
“-Chan? Are you there?”
It was Seungmin.
Chan forced his eyes open, vision blurring with fatigue. Why did they sound so scared? They always nagged that he never got enough sleep, why were they disturbing him now that he was doing what they wanted? Chan didn’t understand, everything felt blurred. He was just so...tired. Liquid warmth was slowly seeping out of him, crimson blood soaking the white snow.
“Hyung?” Felix’s small voice escaped the phone.
Felix…
His member…
His…family…
He was supposed to be there for them. He had promised. He was the leader; how could he leave them behind? They needed him. Gathering his strength Chan forced his frozen lips to part.
“I-I… I’m sorry-” The clatter of his teeth made it hard to force out words.
“Hyung, what- why are you saying that?” Felix tone bordered on desperation as he slipped into English “You are fine right? Please tell me you’re fine.”
The frigid air blew across Chan’s face, biting into the open cuts that covered his face. A breath escaped his mouth, cloud visible as it evaporated into the night sky. Up above, the stars twinkled illuminating the snowflake’s calm descent, ignorant of his struggles down below. In this moment, he wondered if there was a higher power watching down on him. Was he laughing as he fought to grasp at the strings of life?
“Hyung?”
Felix’s voice pierced his thoughts.
Laughter bubbled in his chest, escaping in soft chuckles. Chan winced as the movement rattled his ribs, bringing fresh pain. Screw fate, screw destiny he thought. He desperately wanted to live; wanted to hug his members one last time. He wanted to remind Felix that he wasn’t alone in this foreign country. He wanted to protect Jeongin’s innocence just a little longer. He wanted to praise Minho, so he would never again doubt his place on this team, compose a song that would truly let Seungmin’s vocals shine. He wanted to let Hyunjin know how proud he was of his improvement, remind Jisung and Changbin that without the two of them, he would have given up on his dream long ago.
Above all, he wanted to tell Minho that he… that he loved him.
“CHAN!”
Minho's voice was back, thawing the haze that clouded Chan. He focused on his voice as he looked for the strength to voice out the words he had kept locked deep in his heart. He couldn’t feel his legs, or his hands, everything hurt but Minho's voice lit a fire within his heart.
Chan shifted, trying to face the phone. He didn’t want Minho to miss his words. The faint glow of the screen illuminated his face as he stared at the picture of Minho. He was smiling in this picture.
“Min-Minho” He coughed, the cold air cutting his throat making it too dry to utter words “I need you to listen to me”
Silence.
Chan gathered his courage.
“Minho, I need to say this to you before its too late,” Another cough, this time accompanied by blood splattering on the screen.
“Lee Minho, I- I love you.”
A wave of calm washed over Chan the moment those words left his mouth. He had finally done it.
He slumped back down; phone abandoned in the snow next to him. Distantly, he registered Minho's voice calling his name but it felt so far away. He couldn’t make out what he was saying.
Stop fighting his mind whispered to him, just close your eyes and all will be over.
It was so tempting. Chan could feel the cold penetrate his body, making its way to his heart. He faced the sky, taking in the sights. How cruel it was, to die on such a beautiful night, he mused. He hadn’t even heard Minho's response.
Chan forced his eyes to remain open, but his body no longer listened to him.
Eyelids slid closed, white snow covering a starry night his last glimpse of the world.
A dying breath escaped his lips as he pictured his members.
He could see them, smiling as they beckoned him to come.
Chan lunged forward, a smile on his face as he headed into the bright light.
A snowflake landed on his face, melting into a single teardrop.
His heart had stopped beating long before it hit the ground.