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Dean’s hands are shaking horribly. He has not had one night of undisturbed sleep since he came back from hell.
He cannot talk about it with Sam. No. he knows Sam is worried sick but he cannot even let his mind go there because if he does, he is afraid he will go nuts.
Sitting up and burying his sweat-soaked face in his hands, Dean tries his best to slow down his labored breathing. The last thing he needs is Sam waking up and starting to ask questions. Dean pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. His head feels like it is about to explode.
But things always work against the Winchester’s will, Dean jumps a little when his brother’s muffled and sleepy voice comes from behind, “Dean…? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Dean answers shortly and gets up to the bathroom.
Sam observes Dean’s unsteady walk into the bathroom. He sighs and gets up.
Dean opens his mouth, wanting to puke into the sink but he only ends up dry coughing vigorously. His head is still spinning from the too realistic nightmare. His stomach does not have anything to offer given that he only had two bites of the burger he bought for dinner.
“Hey,” Sam’s warm touch on his back makes Dean half turning his head to face him. Sam offers a cup of warm water to Dean, “Here, you will feel better with it.”
Dean nods and takes the water, mumbling “thanks”. He sets the cup beside the sink after two sips. The warm fluid running down his throat makes him less nauseous. “Thanks.” He says again, this time looking back at Sam. He can read the worry and the questions from Sam’s hazel eyes but he keeps his mouth shut.
Sam bites his lip. He knows Dean too well that he will not open up easily. “Erm… You want to go out for a walk? Or maybe driving somewhere to get some fresh air?” He suggests, carefully searching for some hint in Dean’s eyes.
Dean ponders for a few seconds, “Okay.” He wants to do everything except for answering questions or talking about his feelings.
Sam quickly turns around and grabs both of their shirts before Dean changes his mind. He takes the car keys from Dean’s pocket, “I’m driving.”
For one second Dean wants to protest but he does not want to start an unnecessary fight, “Okay.”
Sam is actually surprised that Dean caves so easily. But he does not push and heads for the door immediately.
“Man it is freezing.” Dean gets out of the car and wraps himself in his jacket as they pull up on some hill.
“Yea, helps to clear your mind.” Sam wishes he didn’t actually say that. He glances at Dean worriedly but his brother does not seem to hear the possible undertone.
With a gentle hop Sam sits on the hood of the Impala, “What do you think?” He looks up, “People say here is one of the best spots for stargazing.”
“Where did you get that intel? You writing a travelling guide?” Dean teases. But leaning on the side of the Impala, he follows Sam’s eyes to the starry night sky. He goes silent while staring up.
After some time, Sam retrieves his gaze and turns to his brother, who is still looking at the sky, “Dean…” Sam bites his lip, not sure whether he should talk or not.
To his surprise, Dean looks back at Sam with an expression he has never seen before. All of Dean’s emotions are there on his face, raw, unconcealed. He is hurting. Sam can tell. He is hurting so bad and his heart is bleeding all over the place in front of him at this moment. Sam has never seen pass Dean’s dam, not entirely. He always has it so perfectly built and constructed. All these years Sam has only come close to peeping through it for a couple of times. But in this precious fraction of time, which is short like the blink of a star beam, Sam sees right through his brother, and he acts immediately.
Sam scoots close to Dean and wraps his arms around him as tight as he can. He can feel Dean tensing up under his touch but he does not push Sam away. It scares the hell out of Sam when Dean is not acting like himself, so he hugs even tighter, squeezing away all the space between their bodies, as if that is possible.
Dean is shaking, and Sam knows it is not because of the cold. He tries his best to hold it together for Dean. “Hey…” Sam whispers against Dean’s ear, “You remember when we were… when I was six, I—”
“You stepped on a cat’s tail and it scratched your face?” Dean’s voice comes vibrating from Sam’s chest. He is trying to hide into his dam again.
Sam rushes himself to get the rest of the sentence out he almost blurts, “I asked you to carve our initials on the Impala?”
Dean goes still for a second. Although he still refuses to look up, he nods slightly. How can he forget? It was the very first commitment they made to each other. Dean promised he would go anywhere as long as it was in this car and with Sam.
“Well…” Sam swallows nervously, “I wanted to renew our promise.” He slowly releases his embrace around Dean like he is a wounded animal but he keeps an arm wrapped around Dean’s shoulders.
Sam leads Dean to the nearest tree and pulls out the pocket dagger he carries with him all the time. Realizing what Sam intends to do Dean opens his mouth, wanting to say something but Sam is already starting to carve on the tree trunk.
“There.” When Sam is done he looks at their initials on the trunk, a satisfied grin spread on his face. The carving is sloppy and not anywhere close to neat. Yet it makes Dean chuckle faintly, “No wonder you failed in all your art classes in high school Sammy.” But his voice is warm and full of his adoration towards Sam.
“Why did you think I asked you for help every time I had to hand in an art project?” Sam goes along with the joke. He loosens his grip on Dean’s arm a little now that Dean seems to be more relax.
“Sammy?”
“Yea?” Sam looks down at his brother, and in that split of a second his breath is taken away by Dean’s eyes. Countless reflections of the stars are sparkling and radiating from that pond of green. Sam just has to agree that human eyes are the windows to the soul, because right now he is staring into Dean’s, and it is the purest, the brightest and the greenest.
“So are you going to say your girly words or not?” Dean successfully pulls Sam back to the reality with a tease.
Sam takes a deep breath, “I promise,” He leans down and closes in the distance between their face and Sam breathes against Dean’s lips, “Wherever you go, I’d go with you.” Then he seals it by connecting their lips.