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Adam eyed the stacks upon stacks of books laid out on the coffee table. Some titles he recognized from Shiro’s collection, (which began shortly after they took Keith in and realized exactly what they were in for), while some he’d never seen before:
At the End of Your Rope: A Guide to the Explosive Child.
10 Ways to Keep Your Kid Out of Jail.
Is He a Monster, or Just Misunderstood?: A Parent's Survival Guide.
And about half a dozen others just like them. Over the past year, Shiro had accumulated what amounted to a small library of parenting tips and survival guides. It was quite impressive, to be honest.
Adam dropped his bag on the floor beside the coffee table. “What did he do this time?” Because Shiro only ever brought out the kid-whisperer bibles when Keith was being particularly stroppy to the point of no return.
“Nothing,” Shiro replied. He didn’t take his eyes off the book he was reading.
“Really? You usually only consult the shrink wrap when Keith bites someone’s ear off.” Adam sat on the couch, kicking off his shoes before swinging his legs onto his boyfriend’s lap and settling into the cushions.
Shiro turned the page, a playful twist to his lips. “You need to stop telling people that. One day someone is going to believe you, and then child services is going to come after us again.”
“I needed five stitches, Takashi. Five.”
Shiro waved him off, attention already lost again. He dog-eared the page he was on, and when Adam took a closer look, he saw that the book was twice its actual thickness due to the rainbow of post-it notes sticking out of the pages.
“What are you doing, anyway?”
“Research.”
“Well, yeah, I can see that. What kind of research?”
“The important kind.”
Adam leaned forward, tipping Shiro’s book down so he could read the cover. “Let’s Talk About Sex: The Young Parent’s Guide to a Happy, Healthy, and Well-Adjusted Child,” he read. “Dear god, why.”
Shiro tugged the book back. “Because Keith is turning fourteen soon. It’s our job to make sure he’s educated about this kind of stuff before he enters the teenage world.”
“Didn’t realize you wanted to traumatize the poor boy.”
“It’ll be fine. Trust me, this is a conversation long overdue.”
“What if he’s already gotten the talk, though? Then what?”
“Then this can be a refresher course.”
Adam sat up. “How do you even know he’s still a virgin?”
Shiro rolled his eyes. “Adam, no. Come on. He’s a kid. He still makes me buy him light-up Sketchers.”
“He’s also been to juvie twice. We don’t know what kind of shit Keith has done.”
Shiro was about to argue further, but he stopped himself. As much as he’d hate to admit it, Adam did have a point. They had no idea what details about his past Keith hadn’t told them yet.
“Then...we’ll address that issue when we come to it, I guess. Right now, the priority is making sure Keith is informed.” Yeah. That sounded adult-y and responsible. Shiro nodded to himself sternly before going back to his diagrams.
Adam slouched back against the armrest. “Never thought I would ever pity the little gremlin.”
Shiro rolled his eyes. “It won’t be that bad.”
“Keep telling yourself that.”
“Adam. Adam, wake up.”
Adam cracked his eyes open only to be met with blurry darkness. “Takashi?” he mumbled. He reached out and felt along the nightstand until his fingers met wire frames and glass lenses.
Once the world was clear, Adam could make out a figure sitting on Takashi’s side of the bed, surrounded by textbooks and empty coffee cups.
Shiro looked up at him, eyes wide. “I don’t know which talk to give him.”
It took a moment for Adam’s brain to sputter and start. “The...sex one, probably?”
“No, I mean—” Shiro rubbed his eyes, seemingly unaware of the pen ink on his knuckles. There was now a big black smudge on his eyebrow. “I don’t know if I should give him the straight version or the gay version or both or neither.”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it matters!” They both froze at the sound of Keith stirring on the other side of the paper-thin wall, and neither dared say a word. When the rustling stopped a minute later, suggesting that Keith must have fallen back asleep, Shiro let out a breath.
“Of course it matters,” he repeated—this time in a whisper. “What if I give him the straight version, but down the road he needs to know the gay version and he doesn’t have it? Or what if he’s actually straight, but all I know how to talk about is the gay version and he gets someone pregnant?”
“Takashi—”
“Or what if I give him both and he’s so cursed with knowledge that he becomes a pornstar? What am I going to tell the PTA moms, Adam? How am I going to explain to Bitchy Karen that my little brother is a pornstar?”
Adam fell back onto his pillow—exasperated and far too tired for this conversation—and closed his eyes. “I’m pretty sure you’re overthinking this, babe.”
“What if I give him the wrong talk and he gets herpes?”
“Keith?” Shiro rapped a knuckle on the open doorway of Keith’s bedroom. “Can we talk?”
Keith looked up. He was sitting cross-legged on his bed, messing around with the model airplane Matt had given him last Christmas. “I didn’t do it,” he blurted out before Shiro could get a word in. “Iverson’s lying, I was here all day yesterday and Adam will back me up on that.”
Shiro shook his head. “That’s not what I’m here to talk about.” He sat on the edge of the bed and ignored the way Keith instinctively scooted back an inch. “It’s actually something...a bit more serious.”
The plane lowered onto Keith’s lap. “Oh. Is it…” He swallowed. “Are you...getting sick again?” Guilt pooled in Shiro’s gut, and immediately he pumped the brakes.
“No.” He put his hands up. “No, no I’m perfectly fine. Well...relatively speaking. But everything’s okay right now, I promise.”
Slowly, Keith let himself relax. “Oh. Then...what is it?”
Shiro’s cheeks flushed. Well. No turning back now. He took a deep breath. “I wanted to talk to you about some pretty adult things.” Keith waited. “As we all know, you’re growing up. And a part of growing up is understanding that sometimes you might have certain...um…urges.”
Keith’s head cocked to the side. “I had the urge to put mashed potatoes in James’ shoes yesterday.”
What. The fuck.
“That’s...not what I mean. I’m talking about the birds and the bees, so to speak.”
Keith’s face brightened. “I like bees. I found one when I threw a rock at a beehive today, wanna see?” He started to rummage around in his pocket before a new voice spoke up.
“You’re getting the sex talk,” Adam announced. How long he’d been standing in the doorway, Shiro had no idea. Though he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t grateful for the backup.
Keith froze. His mouth hung open, and then he looked at Shiro with such potent betrayal in his gaze that Shiro was beginning to question why the hell he thought this would ever be a good idea in the first place.
“Please no,” Keith whispered.
Shiro could only smile apologetically.
Keith’s eyes were wide with terror. “I’ll give you my allowance,” he said quickly.
“You don’t get an allowance.”
“I’ll polish the china!”
“Do I look like I’m rich enough to own china?”
“I’ll never do anything bad ever, ever, ever again.”
“We both know that’s a lie.”
Keith looked into Shiro’s eyes, desperate and pleading. “Please don’t do this to me, Shiro.”
“It’s for your own good,” Shiro said. “Trust me, this is going to be far more painful for me than it is for you.”
Keith sprang up and made a last-ditch break for the door, but Adam caught him by the shoulder and spun him around. “Sorry, kid. This is non-negotiable.”
The boy looked longingly over his shoulder at the window, but Shiro quickly added, “Already locked it this morning. There’s no getting out of this one, buddy.”
Keith moaned and flopped face-down onto the bed. “Why don’t you just kill me and get it over with already?”
When not another word came from his audience, Shiro figured that was as good a signal as any to start. He folded his hands together.
“So. Let’s talk about a little thing called puberty.”
Keith screamed into his pillow.
“You can’t ignore this forever, Keith.”
“Stop.”
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s perfectly natural.”
“I’m giving you five seconds to shut the fuck up.”
Shiro frowned. “Hey. Language.” He held up the diagram again. “See, the human reproductive system is actually pretty simple when you color-code the anatomy, which also adds a tasteful dash of gayness to it, if you ask me—”
Keith scrambled up and made a grab for the knife under his pillow. He raised it to his own throat, but Shiro calmly took it and held it out of Keith’s reach. “Stop being dramatic and pay attention to the diagram. Look, these are called ovaries.”
Keith’s eyes radiated hellfire. “I want to die.”
“You can die after you’re educated.”
Keith threw a blanket over his head and clamped his hands over his ears for good measure. “Can’t we just assume I know everything and move on? I already understand how all of this stuff works.”
Shiro lowered the page. “Do you, now?” Adam’s words from earlier about Keith’s questionable virgin status repeated themselves in his mind, over and over until Shiro felt his blood pressure rising.
“Yes. So we’re done here, right?” He dared to sound hopeful.
“That depends. What do you know?”
Keith pulled the blanket off of his head. His hair stuck up in every direction like a scruffy chinchilla. “What?”
“Tell me every single thing you’re supposed to know, and I’ll leave you alone.”
Keith’s cheeks flushed. He refused to meet Shiro’s eyes. “Well...it’s kind of...like...you know.” He looked up. “Yeah.”
Adam took a sip from his Capri Sun. “Yep. That’s exactly how it goes. Remember how we did ‘like, you know, yeah’ last night, Takashi? So sexy.” Keith stuck his tongue out at him, and Adam returned the gesture.
“Quiet, you,” Shiro said with a swat on Adam’s leg. He turned back to Keith. “Don’t listen to him, Keith, you’re doing great. Except you’re actually not because clearly you have no idea what you’re talking about, but it’s okay because that’s what I’m here for.”
Keith crossed his arms defiantly. “I know what I’m talking about!”
“Do you?”
“Yes. Sex is when people, like, have babies and stuff.”
“Oh, yeah,” Adam said, twirling a straw between his fingers. “Because there are so many babies crawling around our apartment.” His eyes flicked over to Keith. “Well, except for you, I guess.”
Keith shut his eyes, his face so red Shiro had to restrain himself from feeling his forehead just to make sure he didn’t have a fever. “Fine, straight people make babies. I don’t know, just get out and leave me here to die.” He threw the blanket back over his head.
Adam and Shiro met eyes. This was going to be rough.
Ten minutes later and Keith was sitting in his desk chair, miserable as could be, but at least he was actually listening now. That had to count for something, right?
Even if the information he was receiving was...less than helpful.
Adam paced the floor in front of Keith, hands behind his back and face schooled into seriousness. “Don’t have sex,” he said. “Because you will get pregnant. And die.”
Keith frowned. “I don’t...think that’s possible.”
Adam slammed his hands down on Keith’s desk. “DO YOU WANT TO DIE, YOUNG MAN?”
Shiro put a hand against Adam’s chest, holding him away from Keith. “Great news! You’re fired.”
Shiro had his hands folded neatly in his lap. “I know you’re still pretty young and inexperienced now, but one day when you’re grown up—very grown up—you might start having feelings towards a nice…”—Shiro hesitated—“...boy?”
No reaction.
“Girl?”
Still nothing.
“Well, whoever you’re attracted to, just remember that it’s totally okay and we’ll support you no matter what.”
“Unless you’re a furry,” Adam chimed in, “in which case we’ll disown you.”
“Well...yeah, okay, that too.”
Shiro could have sworn the banana was right next to him a minute ago.
He was checking all around the room—under the bed, on the floor—but the fruit was nowhere to be found. “Keith, have you seen—” He looked up and gasped. “Hey!”
Keith chewed the banana in silence, watching Shiro with a bored expression.
“Keeeith,” Shiro groaned, “that was for my condom demonstration.”
Keith’s brows furrowed. “Why would a banana need a condom?”
“No, it’s supposed to be a—”
“They already have peels, Shiro.”
An hour in, and Keith looked more miserable than Shiro had ever seen a person look. He almost felt bad for the kid. And even more for himself, who was apparently the only one out of god-knows-how-many guardians and foster homes who thought to give Keith the talk. Go figure.
“It’s extremely important that when you have intercourse, you do it safely,” he was explaining. “Otherwise you can get some really nasty diseases, including but not limited to: herpes, AIDS, and children. So always use protection, no matter what.”
Keith blinked. “I have a helmet and elbow pads, if that helps.”
“Knowing you, that’s probably necessary,” Adam said, cutting up the cucumber Shiro brought and placing the slices over his eyes.
“It’s also important that when you’re having sex,” Shiro explained, “you don’t accidentally make your partner fall off the bed and hit their head on the nightstand and get a concussion that results in you both spending the rest of your anniversary in the emergency room.”
Adam threw his hands in the air. “That was one time, Takashi.”
“One time is already too many.”
“What do you do if someone is pressuring you into a sexual act that you don’t feel comfortable with?” Shiro asked.
Keith grinned. “Stop, drop, and roll.”
“Correct!”
“Adam, no—”
“Street smarts!”
“Around this age, it’s completely normal for your body to start changing.”
Keith perked up. “Oh yeah, I already noticed that.”
“Oh?” Finally they were getting somewhere. “What, did your voice get deeper?”
“No, but last week I turned purple for an hour.”
...Or maybe not.
During dinner that night, things were quiet. Keith pushed his macaroni and cheese around his plate wordlessly, not once taking his eyes off the solar system placemat. Shiro sighed.
“How long is it going to be until you can look me in the eye again?”
Keith fixed his gaze on the salt shaker across the table. “At least a week.”
Shiro considered that, then shrugged. “Fair enough.” And went back to his dinner.
At the very least, judging by how uncomfortable things now were, he could rest easy knowing that Keith would not be changing his virgin status for a long, long time.