Chapter Text
Freddie was on his lunch break at university when it happened.
He was sat with his boyfriend Jim outside on one of the university benches, chatting happily about their day when a teacher from the university approached them and asked Freddie to come to her office. Immediately, Freddie knew something was wrong. She wasn’t one of his teachers, and her tone of voice only reinforced his thoughts that something was definitely not right. He wondered if he had done something in a lesson that could’ve upset someone, as he was renowned for saying whatever sprang to his mind at the worst of times, but he couldn’t think of any incident where he might have offended someone. As the woman lead him down the bustling hallways of the university, he noticed the pity masking her eyes as he followed her to a part of the university he had never been, the hall lined with offices that suggested the seriousness of his situation. She walked to one office in particular and stepped in, gesturing for him to follow with a small, somewhat compassionate, smile, and he felt the panic sickeningly twist in his gut like a knife.
His breath became shaky as he watched her pick up a phone that was sitting on the desk, dialling a few numbers into the attached machine before handing it to him, passing the phone to him delicately like he could shatter from just the touch of a hand. He didn’t like that. He wasn’t one to feel like he was breakable around others, and always encased himself in enough armour to ward off the lurking sympathetic eyes he would get sometimes, therefore never letting anyone in the outside world think he was weak.
He took the phone from the teacher and cleared his throat, before speaking shakily.
“Hello?”
“Is this Mr Deacon?” a voice asked on the other end of the phone. It sounded important; the way the man formed the sentence was formal, and concocted various scenarios in Freddie’s brain that were not pleasant in the slightest as he immediately thought of the worst case.
“Yes. Who is this?” he replied, after a somewhat hesitant exhale when he realised his breathing was forgotten along with the idea of how to function in a conversation. He didn’t even know what had happened, and yet from the way the teacher’s eyes looked at him like he was about to shatter into pieces on the floor like a porcelain doll being shook too hard, and the way the man’s voice on the phone held sadness that was distinguishable even after only a few words, he felt like the world was slowing down around him; the background noise of the busy university dimming into silence until he was left with his harsh breathing, awaiting an answer from the other end of the line.
“I’m sorry to inform you that there has been an accident.”
Freddie’s breath caught in his throat, and he vaguely heard the name of the hospital before he hung up, regardless whether the person on the other end of the phone was talking. He couldn’t care less at that moment. His words were forgotten the minute the sentence travelled over the speaker, and Freddie felt as if everything he feared was coming true.
Freddie didn’t really know how to react. He wasn’t told who was involved; it could’ve been anyone. Well, he knew it wasn’t Brian because he was still at university, as they had walked together that very morning, but that meant it had to be either John, Roger or his parents. He couldn’t bare to think of it, so let his body move for him automatically as he walked out of his university and over to Brian’s. He was walking in a sort of limbo, not quite sure if he was actually awake or he’d fallen asleep at the lunch table and Jim hadn’t woke him up. He was still in a state of shock and couldn’t even cry or go into a panic. And he wasn’t even sure if it was serious, his mind could just be making it worse.
‘Well of course it’s serious you dumbass or they wouldn’t have called you,’ Freddie thought.
The walk over was short, and he had a brief thought of letting Jim know where he was, but he was too caught up in the fact that someone could be dangerously hurt, and so let that preoccupy his mind rather than thinking about venturing back to tell his boyfriend where he was going. He would call him later.
He stood outside Imperial College for a while. He didn’t want to go in. He didn’t want to go and tell Brian, because then it would reinforce the fact that this wasn’t a dream. As well as that, Brian was a fragile person, and Freddie didn’t want to be the one to dent his fragility by breaking the news to him. Freddie knew no matter who was hurt, he would have to step up, become more of an older brother, because that’s what he did in these situations. The time Roger had forced John to climb a tree, and he fell and broke his arm, Freddie had to hug him and tell him everything would be fine, while Roger had ran back to the house to get their parents. Or the time Brian had failed a standard end of year test and Freddie had to be the shoulder to cry on, so Brian wouldn’t feel so alone.
He knew Brian was also on lunch break at this time, so he headed for the library, easily finding him hunched over a book, his curls peaking up over the pages. Brian saw him and smiled, only for it to be replaced with a look of concern at the way Freddie’s lip trembled and how shaky his movements were as he approached the younger man.
“Freddie, what’s wrong?” Brian asked as he stood up from his chair and made his way over to his older brother, the astronomy book now long forgotten on the table.
Freddie cursed his brother for always being so observant. He hadn’t uttered a word and yet Brian already knew there was something wrong. He thought maybe his shaking might have given it away, but he was unsure how his brother could still act like he could read his mind.
“I- There’s been a crash Brian.”
There was a pause as Brian took in Freddie’s words, a mixture of emotions flitting across his face.
”Who was in it?” Brian half whispered, unsure whether he actually wanted Freddie to answer to that question.
“I don’t know. Brian they didn’t tell me who, they just told me the name of the hospital,” Freddie replied, his voice verging on hysteria.
Brian tugged Freddie into a hug, holding him close as his brother sniffled, letting the man recover, and Freddie took the time to build his walls back up and ground himself, before pulling away and giving a wary smile.
“Lets go then.”
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Once they got to the hospital, they introduced themselves at the reception. A nurse with blonde hair that dangled in a fringe over her face, looked at them sympathetically through her blonde strands, causing their nerves to be even more on edge. She muttered a few words to her colleagues, then gestured to the brothers with a hand that implied for them to follow her. They walked down the hospital corridors, gradually moving away from the busy noises of a crowded reception. Freddie kept his eyes down, listening to the clatter of the nurse’s heels against the polished floor, whilst Brian walked alongside him, his anxiety rising as their situation became more serious. They approached a small room where they took a seat, the chairs a lot more comfy than normal hospital chairs; obviously they were designed to provide comfort in situations where the thought of how comfy the chair was needed to be the least of their worries. The walls were a bright green colour, and Freddie briefly thought how that wasn’t a good colour choice, because how were they meant to be calm when the walls were practically glaring at them?
“The doctor will be with you in a minute,” she announced sweetly, before leaving and closing the door behind her, drawing Freddie’s attention away from how sickening the room made him feel.
They sat together, their nerves making them jittery and their worry making them feel ill. As silence swirled around them, Freddie could hear Brian’s breath shake as he stifled tears, and so grabbed his younger brother’s hand, who immediately looked at him with watery eyes.
“I’m sure everything will be okay Bri,” Freddie reassured, keeping his voice steady as not to alarm his brother to how much this was actually affecting him. He knew Brian wasn’t stupid; the younger man knew Freddie was hurting just as much as he was, but Freddie felt it as his role to provide support for his younger siblings, thus moving his own emotions to the side.
Even as Freddie said it, he didn’t believe for one second that it was true. If something serious hadn’t happened, they would’ve been taken immediately to whoever was hurt. But obviously something bad had happened. Something really bad that had caused the doctors to ask for a private room to talk to them.
A knock on the door broke the brothers out of their thoughts. A doctor walked in, wearing the same sympathetic smile that the nurse had, and Brian’s grip on Freddie’s hand tightened slightly.
“I presume one of you is Freddie,” the doctor said as he sat down across from them, his face not giving them any reassuring signs that everything was okay.
“That’s me,” Freddie replied, his voice trembling slightly.
“Which must mean you’re Brian,” the doctor said, gesturing to Brian with a small nod of the head.
Brian only nodded, not entirely sure what to say.
“As you know there has been an accident. Four people were in the car when it happened. Those were your parents, as well as your younger brothers Roger and John.”
Both sat completely silent, momentarily forgetting how to breath.
“Roger and John are mostly okay, no major injuries or anything.”
They did let out a breath at that. Their brothers were, mostly, okay.
“However, I am very sad to tell you that your parents injuries were extensive. W did everything we could to save them, however they died on the scene.”
There was a pause as the words lingered in the air before Freddie felt Brian break into sobs next to him, burying his head against his shoulder, and all Freddie could do was sit and stare. He didn’t quite believe what the man had said. But as he watched Brian sob, he knew he had to step up. He was no longer just their older brother now. No matter how much his grief was tearing at him or threatening to swallow him up, he had to be there for the others.
Freddie gulped, squeezing Brian’s hand to try and comfort him, as tears broke out in his own eyes. He didn’t want this to be true. He didn’t want to have to live with the last memory of their parents to be from the last time he and Brian had seen them, all the way back in October for their dad’s birthday. They hadn’t really contacted each other since, as they had all been so busy, and Freddie immediately regretted not making the effort to ring them up to just see how thy were doing once in a while.
Freddie took a breath, wiping his tears away with the back of his hand before speaking up.
“Can we see Roger and John?” he asked, his voice betraying him and making the question become more of a whisper, and Brian whimpered slightly at his voice breaking the harsh silence that had gathered around them.
“Yes. I will take you to them now. We have put them in the same room because they are going to be very upset, as you can imagine.”
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When Freddie and Brian got to the room, they hesitated outside of it so they could both calm down. They knew they had to be there for their brothers, even though it was hard enough for them. They knew that whatever they were feeling was only a little bit compared to how the other two were.
And they didn’t even know their parents were dead.
So, they took deep breaths before pushing the door open slowly and entering the room.
John was in the bed closest to the door, and shot up instantly when they walked in, before breaking down into tears. Freddie instantly went over to him and pulled him into a hug, careful of the arm that was in a cast.
“Are mum and dad okay?” John asked, and Freddie desperately tried to stop from sobbing right there. He didn’t know how to respond to that question, and let it linger in the air in silence. He looked at John, seeing how he had one arm in a cast, and a small cut on his cheek, but it was the pain in his eyes that caused Freddie to sigh again. He still didn’t answer the question.
“Freddie?” John whimpered, making Freddie’s heart stutter. He didn’t want to tell him. He didn’t want to tell anyone. He took a deep breath, wiping away the stray tears running down his face before replying.
“No. I’m sorry Deacy...They’re gone.”
John immediately doubled over, frantically shaking his head as he sobbed even louder. Freddie held onto him tighter, running a quivering hand through the younger boy’s hair as John mourned against his chest.
Brian watched, tears threatening to spill, before his eyes travelled to the other bed. The blonde was lay on his side, his back to them, and made no move to show he had acknowledged that they were there. Brian made his way over and sat in the chair beside his bed, sighing as his younger brother still made no movement to acknowledge that he knew he was there. Brian was sure he wasn’t asleep as it didn’t look as if he had his eyes closed.
“Rog?” Brian asked, hoping for some sort of reply.
Roger still made no movement, and Brian glanced back to Freddie who just gave him a pointed look in return, one that read ‘comfort him’. But Brian didn’t know how to do that if Roger wasn’t speaking to him. Therefore, he opted to just sit next to he bed, and if Roger needed him, he would be there. He noticed that one of Roger’s legs had been thickly bandaged, as it stuck out slightly from under the covers, and Brian grimaced at the thought of what could have caused for so much bandage to be applied. He then noticed the blood staining the blonde hair a murky brown colour, and Brian swallowed back the urge to be sick as he traced his eyes intently over the amount of Roger’s face that was visible, and saw small cuts littering his face. One or two were covered with butterfly stitches, but the rest, from what he could see, were not covered.
A while passed in silence, John’s cries turning into the occasional sniffles, and Freddie had proceeded to lie on the bed with him so that John could hug him as he slept. Brian was dozing in the chair when he felt eyes on him, and he opened his own to find watery blue eyes on him.
“Oh Rog,” Brian whispered, moving towards the bed to wrap the blonde in a hug. He felt Roger grasp at the back of his shirt tightly as he buried his head against the older man’s neck. Roger clung to Brian for a while, still not emitting any noise even though he had tears cascading down his too flushed cheeks, and Brian thought it wise to mimic Freddie’s actions and join the blonde on the bed so that Roger could still cry against him but it would be more comfortable for them both to sleep.
Brian settled down so Roger’s head was against his shoulder as they lay side by side. The older man looked down and still saw tears steadily running down his brother’s face even though aforementioned blonde was staring straight ahead; his face completely blank as he was cradled against his older brother’s shoulder.
Brian didn’t know what else to do to comfort him so he tried to make himself fall asleep, escaping the nightmare he was sure he wouldn’t miss when he was dreaming.
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Freddie lay awake as all three of his brothers slept. John would still sniffle now and then in his sleep, but Freddie held him closer, wading off the nightmares just like he did when they were all younger.
Freddie was the first to be adopted. He had heard the story from his parents a million times. His mum and dad were kind people, and wanted nothing more than to have a family of their own, but always had their heart set more on adopting children than having a child of their own.
Freddie was adopted at nine months old. He came from a small apartment who he lived with his birth mother. However, she didn’t have enough money to keep him, and gave him up to the adoption agency when he was three months old. He stayed there before his parents picked him up, cuddling him and calling him their own before taking him to their home; which then became his home. Freddie didn’t remember his life before, and accepted his parents to be his true parents, even if he knew now that they weren’t his birth parents.
Next came Brian. Brian was adopted when Freddie was eighteen months old, and Brian was only nine months old. Freddie doesn’t remember when Brian was introduced to the family, he just remembers Brian always being there. Brian came straight from the adoption agency after being brought there from birth. They never found out why his mother gave him up, but Brian had no recollection of anything but the family he was in now, and like Freddie, accepted their parents as his real ones. Freddie may be the eldest, but he wasn’t that much older than Brian, so they both split the ‘eldest role’ quite evenly when John came.
Freddie could just about remember when John was brought into the family. John was the only one out of the four of them that wasn’t adopted, and their parents were actually his birth parents as well. Freddie felt a lot of jealousy growing up, finding out that they weren’t his ‘real’ parents but they were John’s. His little three-year old brain couldn’t comprehend why their parents would want another child in the first place; were they not happy with him and Brian? He didn’t realise that his family was still growing, and it wasn’t going to just stop with John.
Lastly came Roger. Roger’s adoption was the clearest memory Freddie had of any of them. He remembered when his parents told him that there was going to be a new addition to the family, and he expected the newcomer to be a baby, just like he and Brian. Except a fragile six year old blonde boy came, cradled in their dad’s arms as he was introduced to his new set of brothers that were sat on the couch, looking at the new child with wide eyes. Freddie had never found out specifically why Roger was adopted at such a late age. He could take a guess though. After the first day of him being quiet and withdrawn, the small blonde became a menace, shouting at everyone and throwing his toys around. Freddie guessed that the reason why Roger was adopted so late was because he had been passed around the foster care system, due to the fact that he was too much to handle. Later in life, Freddie found out that Roger’s behaviour was learnt, and it gave a scary inclination to what Roger’s childhood had been like up until he arrived in their family. As he was the oldest, Freddie could always tell that Roger, even to this day, didn’t like the fact that he had been adopted into the family so late, as the other three had already made a bond, and the blonde struggled to fit in with them for quite a while. Freddie often wondered if Roger remembered his birth parents, and felt envy at the thought, only for it to be diminished when he would realise that there was a reason why Roger had been sent off to the care system, and that more than likely had something to do with his parents.
Freddie broke out of his thoughts to glance over at his brothers in the dim room. John was pressed against him, his head buried in the crook of his neck and his hand grasping Freddie’s wrist like a life line as he slept, and it broke Freddie’s heart to see his youngest sibling looking so anguished, even as sleep claimed him.
Brian was asleep on Roger’s bed, his legs dangling off the end as he slept, his features calm however the tear stains on his face reflected the small amount of light, causing Freddie’s heart to clench at the thought of his brother being so distraught, especially as Brian usually shared ‘eldest role’ with him, but this made it obvious that Brian was still younger.
Freddie’s eyes then flicked to Roger. He couldn’t quite see his brother’s face past Brian, but could see the way he was curled up, hiding his head in the mattress, and Freddie actually let tears slip as he saw how small Roger looked. Freddie knew out of all of them, Roger was the one he needed to keep an eye on. The blonde may be bad tempered and moody, but mostly it was a cover up; a way of dealing with his emotions without crying. Roger had been through more than any of them in his first six years of life, and Freddie would be lying if he thought Roger didn’t remember anything from his past homes.
Freddie didn’t know what had happened in that car, but what he did know was that it affected his two younger brothers in more ways than one.
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They were awoken the next morning by a nurse who had come in to do the two younger boys’ obs charts. She worked in silence, but it was still enough to wake Freddie from his light slumber and she smiled kindly at him before carrying on with her work.
She woke John up first, making him sit up in his drowsy state so she could take his blood pressure and his oxygen levels.
“My name is Julie. I’m your nurse for today,” she announced sweetly, which John nodded to in acknowledgement. Freddie was sure John was still half asleep, red lines becoming apparent on his cheek from the bedsheets digging into his face in the night, and he yawned before taking his arm back from the nurse when she was done.
The movement of the machine had also awoken Brian, who stretched out his legs and groaned, not having slept properly in the uncomfortable hospital bed. The nurse smiled at him, and he returned the smile before moving out of the way so she could get to Roger.
The nurse gently awoke the younger man who kept his eyes shut but extended his arm out, obviously too tired to actually wake up yet. She took his blood pressure and oxygen levels before moving his arm back on the bed, writing on the chart at the end of his bed.
“Both of you are doing well. The doctor will be in soon to talk about discharge, and I’ll be back to change Roger’s bandages in a while,” she announced, earning a nod from three of the brothers, as Roger had fallen back to sleep.
They sat mostly in silence, apart from Roger’s soft snoring, as they were unsure of what to say. They were all so very upset; it was hard to find words to comfort the others when they were all in the same boat.
Freddie and Brian moved to sit in the chairs set out for them between the two beds, making Roger huff in his sleep at the movement of Brian shuffling off the bed, and John whimper at the loss of comfort from Freddie.
The oldest sibling yawned. “I’m going to get some coffee,” he announced. “Anyone want one?"
“Me please,” Brian mumbled, rubbing his eyes as he stifled a yawn.
“Yes please,” John replied, offering a smile to Freddie, even if it was dispirited.
Freddie turned to leave the room when Brian stopped him. “Wait, get Rog one too. I’m sure he won’t be happy if he wakes up and we’ve got one and he hasn’t.”
Freddie let out a faint chuckle before turning his head and walking out the door in search of coffee.
The others were plunged back into silence, and Brian scrubbed a hand over his face with a sigh.
“Bri?”
Brian looked up and locked eyes with John. “Hmm?”
“Do you think we’re going to be okay?”
The question came out more of a whisper, and Brian’s mind struck blank as he fumbled for an answer. In all honesty, he didn’t know. He didn’t know how he was going to cope without having his parents around, even if he didn’t see them much. The grief was starting to swallow him up, and if he wasn’t staying strong for the two youngest, he knew that he would’ve sunken back into the depths of his depression.
And he wouldn’t have his parents there to pull him back out.
Instead of voicing is concerns with John, he concluded that reassuring his sibling was probably better than piling him on with doubts of their future that no one could even predict.
“I’m sure we’ll be fine Deacy. We still have each other,” Brian replied softly.
John nodded in response, moving his pillows so that he could sit up better.
Brian glanced over at Roger, who was still asleep, and dejectedly smiled at the sight. He hoped that when the blonde woke up, he would actually speak. He hadn’t said anything since the accident.
He hadn’t uttered a single word and it broke Brian’s heart to watch his brother suffer in silence.
Freddie came back in moments later, juggling four cups of coffee in his arms. Brian got up to help, making sure none of the lids came off so that no coffee was spilt on the floor. He gave one to John, and kept the other for himself, whilst Freddie placed his own on the small hospital table and kept Roger’s in his hand.
Freddie approached the bed and sat at the end, avoiding the younger man’s feet and being wary of his injured leg.
“Rog?”
No response other than soft snores.
Freddie moved up the bed and lightly tapped Roger’s shoulder. What he didn’t expect was for Roger’s eyes to snap open, panic written all of his face as he looked around the room. Freddie immediately sat back, but placed a light hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, it’s okay Rog. You’re okay.”
Roger looked at him, recognition settling on his face, before he shrugged Freddie’s hand off his shoulder and turned over, facing away from the others.
Freddie frowned in confusion.
“Rog I’ve got you coffee.”
No reply. For Roger not to want coffee, Freddie knew something must be wrong. He knew that the obvious situation they were currently sat in was mostly a major part, but Freddie couldn’t help but wonder what had gone on in that crash to have made John upset but not as much as Roger, who had withdrawn into himself, subsequently pushing everyone away in a time he needed them most. The eldest sibling could only remember one time Roger had gone non-verbal, way back when they were kids. Freddie couldn’t quite remember what had caused it, but it lasted a whole month, and the only people that were able to get through to him was his parents, as well as copious amounts of therapy.
Freddie sighed before moving from the bed, placing Roger’s coffee on the table before taking his own and sitting next to Brian. John and Brian both shot Freddie an apprehensive look that he couldn’t reply to. He couldn’t offer them an answer when he didn’t have one himself.
He brought the coffee to his lips and took a sip, relishing in the subsequent familiarity. Freddie didn’t have coffee at home, due to Brian saying it ‘wasn’t healthy’ and that tea was better. Therefore, after actually having a taste of coffee, it immediately reminded him of home, and he smiled softly to himself even as the dejection swirled around his head.
The doctor came in shortly after; a small blonde women who had come out of her way to give them the utmost care in their delicate situation.
“Both of you are doing well, and so I am assured that you will be okay if I discharge you. As soon as Roger’s bandages have been changed and the nurse has spoken to the both of you, you will be able to go home,” she announced, looking between the two boys with a soft smile, not making any inclination that she was annoyed by the fact that not only did Roger still have his back to her, he also didn’t even acknowledge what she had said. John nodded in response, along with Freddie and Brian, who felt it as their responsibility to agree for the two younger boys.
She then stood between the beds, her conversation likely aimed more at Freddie than any of the other brothers.
“I presume you are Freddie,” she said with a smile, holding a hand out that Freddie shook lightly. He really didn’t want to be dealing with all the formalities, but knowing there was no one else that would do it, he continued to go along with the woman’s conversation.
“I will just like to speak to you alone for a minute please,” she said, gesturing for him to follow her. Freddie shared a glance with Brian, making sure he was okay, before giving a small smile to John and walking out after the doctor.
As they walked down the corridor, it was very reminiscent of the day before, and the anxiety started to bubble inside of him as he followed the doctor. They came to a small room, only two chairs furnishing it, which he immediately sat in, feeling himself crumble down slowly now that he didn’t have to be the older brother in this situation. The doctor sat in the chair across from him with a small smile. He now noticed she was holding an envelope, and he glanced up at her with wide eyes.
“I’m sorry to do this at such a sensitive time Mr Deacon, but unfortunately I have to give you this.”
She handed him the envelope with a solemn expression, and he flinched slightly when the paper was placed in his hands, as if the touch alone was burning him. He turned it over, reading ‘Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages’ and immediately felt the tears he was ever so carefully keeping in start to spill over the edge, and he frustratingly wiped them away.
This was all too real. He looked up from the paper and back at the doctor, who looked like she could cry herself.
“You have about five days to register the deaths Freddie. I am so sorry,” she told him, her voice gentle as she placed a hand over Freddie’s, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He tried to make himself smile to show her that her efforts were kind, but he couldn’t find it in himself to smile just for the sake of pleasing this woman. He didn’t have to stay strong for her, he had to stay strong for his brothers.
He stood up with a small nod, before she opened the door and he quietly retreated back to the room, wiping away stray tears with the back of his hand, whilst he had a death grip on the letter that he hastily shoved into his pocket, out of view of his siblings. He took one last deep breath before he re entered the room, slumping down in the chair next to Brian.
He glanced around, seeing that Roger’s coffee was still sat in the same place, untouched. He sighed inwardly before turning his attention to John and Brian. They were quietly mumbling to each other, it was nothing important, more of just trying to fill the silent gap that had claimed them upon Freddie’s departure, and Roger’s lack of wanting to interact with anyone.
Julie was in shortly after, offering a bright smile to the three that had swarmed on John’s bed. She moved past them to Roger, where she got out all of the supplies she needed before leaning over his small frame, quietly murmuring for him to sit up. Freddie watched, after a long few seconds, how Roger gingerly sat up, avoiding all eye contact with anyone. The nurse placed a hand lightly on his face as she inspected the cuts adorning it before grabbing an alcohol swab and gently swiping it over the cuts. To Freddie’s surprise, the younger boy hardly made any sign that what she was doing was causing him pain, other than a slight flinch when she peeled back one of the butterfly bandages and cleaned the cut. She placed new bandages on before moving down to his leg.
Julie pulled back the blanket before standing back up, looking over at Freddie, and gesturing for him to come over with the nod of the head. Confused, Freddie stood up and walked over to the bed, followed by Brian, ever the overly-concerned brother.
Roger had his head down when they came over, and if they could be any more downhearted, the sight of their brother looking so small and hurt made them even more so.
“When he leaves the hospital, you will have to change them for him. It’s too much to do by himself,” she told them quietly with a small smile as they nodded.
They watched as she carefully peeled back the bandage on his leg, and Freddie nearly gagged at the sight. Brian also went quite green, but they both tried to act as neutral as possible as not to cause Roger to become even more withdrawn.
There was a large, jagged gash running from his ankle to just below his knee, and it was stitched together with so many stitches that their jaws nearly dropped in bewilderment. They’d never seen so many stitches in their lives, and it looked painful to say the least. The nurse delicately cleaned the wound, making Roger involuntarily flinch and whimper, so Brian stood by the head of the bed, still in view so that he could see what was going on, but also so that he could place a soothing hand on Roger’s back, running it up and down slowly as the younger man took in heaving breaths. Brian was glad the touch was not shrugged off, and guessed that if Roger wasn’t in so much pain, he probably would’ve.
Once the nurse was done cleaning it, she told them what to look for in case of infection, and Freddie could practically hear Brian’s head whirring around the different scenarios that could happen if they weren’t careful. Once she was done elucidating the things that would mean he would have to come back to the hospital, she showed them how to wrap the bandages securely, making sure they were in the right position and covered the whole of his lower leg. As soon as she was done, Roger curled up as best he could away from everyone. The nurse frowned, looking between the blonde boy and the two older brothers. All they could offer was a sorrowful look.
She looked back at Roger and bent down so she could hear him if he wanted to answer her.
“Roger are you in pain?” she asked. After a few moments, he gave her a hesitant nod, still looking away.
“Okay. That’s okay I can sort that for you.”
She injected some medication into his arm before cleaning away everything she had used. She turned to Freddie and Brian, who had still not moved from their positions beside the bed.
“He needs to make sure the stitches don’t get wet, along with John’s cast, so I have supplied some bags they can put their arm and leg in when they are in the shower to ensure they don’t get it wet. Roger can come and get his stitches out in three weeks, and John can get his cast off in about four weeks. Also, Roger must walk with his crutches at all times otherwise there is a risk of splitting the stitches,” Julie told them. “Can you two just follow me for a moment please?”
They followed her outside the room, separating them from their younger siblings.
“I know I’m not meant to say this because I’m not a doctor, but please keep an eye on those two. If they get any worse, mentally, don’t be afraid to get them help,” she said with a sad smile. “You boys are good brothers, I can see that. I’m sure your parents would be proud.”
She held both of their hands in her own, giving them a light squeeze.
“Thank you Julie,” Freddie whispered, his voice cracking slightly as his eyes became more and more tempted to cry.
She smiled brightly at them, despite the circumstances, before getting on with the rest of her rounds with a small wave.
Brian looked at Freddie and sighed.
“What are we going to do?”
Freddie looked up at him. “I don’t know. We can’t send them home, so they will have to come and stay with us. If there is an upside to any of this, it’s that I know mum and dad already wrote a will, stating I can be John’s legal guardian until he is eighteen.”
Freddie always knew this fact. His mum and dad made their will as soon as Freddie was eighteen. They didn’t want for their children to go back into care after they had pulled them out, and so wrote it that if any of them are still under eighteen when they died, Freddie would automatically become their legal guardian. Which meant John could come home with them. Roger had turned eighteen a month ago, so he wasn’t obligated to go and live with them, however he was currently in no suitable state to make such choices.
“We can pull out the sofa-bed and they will have to sleep in that for now until we can sort something better,” Freddie said to which Brian sighed, but nodded anyway. They realised they would have to go ‘home’ at some point. The house now belonged to them, but it also would mean they would have to go through their parents’ stuff. Not only that, but Roger and John still lived there, meaning that all their clothes and their stuff was there. They had nothing to wear when they came out of the hospital. They were both in hospital gowns, Freddie and Brian guessing that their clothes were probably not in a good state after the accident.
“Do you want me to go back to ours and get them some clothes? I’ll just get them something of ours,” Brian suggested. Other than Roger, he was the only one that could drive, so it was probably better for him to quickly drive home and pick up the clothes whilst Freddie signed the release papers for John.
“Yeah okay.”
Brian nodded before heading back through the corridor so he could go home, whilst Freddie walked back into the room.
“Bri’s gone to get you some clothes. You will have to wear something of ours I’m afraid,” he informed them.
“That’s okay. Thank you Freddie,” John murmured weakly. Freddie smiled at him before sitting between the beds.
“When we get back to mine and Bri’s, we can all sit around the tv with a nice warm drink yeah? You can tell us what you’ve been doing in the month that we were gone.”
John looked up at Freddie with a small smile.
“Thank you Fred. That would be nice,” John shakily replied, before his eyes flicked to behind Freddie. Freddie turned to look as well and saw Roger had turned over, bloodshot eyes looking at him from where the blonde was lay on the bed. Roger nodded a few times, tears falling down his face. Freddie felt overwhelmed at the sight. His brother looked utterly broken, but he didn’t really know what else to do to comfort him. He reached out and took the younger brother’s hand, holding it in his own tightly as Roger sniffled beside him. Freddie just ran a thumb over the back of Roger’s hand, watching as the younger man calmed down. He turned his head to John, and felt confusion swirl in the pit of his stomach at the look in John’s eyes. The way the youngest was looking at Roger looked as if it may have been a mixture of guilt and sadness, with something else Freddie couldn’t pinpoint.
But why would John be feeling guilty?
-------------------
When Brian came back, Freddie had signed the papers and the boys were just waiting for their clothes. Brian had picked up the best clothes he could that would suitably fit them. He brought some of Freddie’s clothes for Roger, as they were the closest in size, but John was taller than both Freddie and Roger, so he had to make do with wearing Brian’s clothes.
He walked into the room and saw that Freddie and John were quietly talking to each other and to his surprise, Roger was asleep with his hand in Freddie’s. Brian stopped at the end of John’s bed and put the bag with the clothes in on the bed. Freddie and John smiled up at him as he started to get out the clothes. Brian placed John’s clothes at the end of his bed, before getting Roger’s out, however keeping them in his hand as Freddie woke the blonde boy.
“Rog,” Freddie whispered, tapping Roger’s shoulder lightly. Roger’s eyes fluttered open and looked at Freddie. “We’ve got you some clothes so we can leave.”
Roger didn’t reply. He took his hand from Freddie and sat up slowly, rubbing at his eyes before he looked up at Brian. Brian handed him the clothes, then moved to help John put his t-shirt on, careful of his arm. Freddie helped Roger slip his trouser leg over the bandages, silently thanking Brian for bringing joggers and not jeans, as he was afraid that any tight clothes would not fit over the bandages.
Once both Roger and John were changed, they gathered their stuff and left the hospital room, dropping in at the hospital pharmacy to pick up the medication that had been prescribed, as well as the bags that Julie had told them about. The woman behind the desk was polite, and they had what they wanted in no time before Brian and Freddie were ushering the younger brothers out to Brian’s car, not hurrying too fast as Brian was still helping Roger to walk with his crutches.
They got to the car and three of them were eager to climb in, wanting to leave the hospital, however Roger didn’t get in. He was stood still, as if the sight of the car had frozen him. Freddie looked up at his brother and slowly got out of the car. Roger was starting to shake, and his breathing quickened as he continued to stare at the car.
“Rog, it’s okay. It’s just Brian’s car see?”
Freddie kept his voice quiet. Both Roger and John were prone to panic and anxiety attacks, and both of them experienced them differently. Whilst John usually had anxiety attacks quite a lot, Roger would have full blown panic attacks. He’d had them since he was little, whereas John had started to get them when he was in high school, but it was still enough time for Freddie to know how to deal with them. Except this time, Roger had a real reason to panic, one that Freddie didn’t know how to assure him would be okay, because he couldn’t predict the future.
He moved closer to Roger and placed a hand on his shoulder. The blonde looked up at him, tears running down his face, and Freddie felt his own heart shatter at the sight. He could hear Brian reassuring John in the car, obviously knowing that the youngest of the four was the most emotional.
“Roger there’s no other way we can get back home. It’s too far to walk, and you’re on crutches,” Freddie murmured, only for Roger to frantically shake his head in response.
“Please Rog. We need to get you home. I will sit with you if you want.”
Roger stopped shaking his head, and instead slumped forward, burying his face against Freddie’s chest as he sobbed. Freddie brought his arms around the younger man, enveloping him in a hug. Freddie couldn’t remember the last time he had hugged Roger. Roger was not really one for hugs, and so it felt nice to finally hold him close and reassure him that everything was going to be okay. Freddie was almost certain that they would be able to get through this.
As soon as Roger had calmed down enough, John moved into the front seat next to Brian, whilst Freddie sat in the back with Roger.
Roger held his hand in a death grip the whole ride home, but Freddie didn’t want to utter a word that it hurt. He knew both his younger brothers needed the comfort right now. He and and Brian could comfort each other once they were sure the younger ones were okay. They couldn’t have a breakdown in front of them, because the way Freddie saw it, it wasn’t fair to them. Freddie nor Brian had been in that crash; they didn’t know what had actually happened. John and, most certainly, Roger did.
As soon as they pulled into the drive way, Roger was quick to open the door and stumble out, his crutches forgotten by Freddie’s feet. Roger doubled over and vomited on the floor, his body shaking as he cried.
Freddie got his crutches and got out the car, walking over to the blonde that looked about ready to pass out. He rubbed a hand up and down his back as Roger continued to heave and sob.
Once Roger was done, Freddie handed him the crutches with a small smile before wiping away his tears with his thumb. He wasn’t going to scold him for walking a few steps without his crutches in his panicked state, so just let him put them back on and walk back to the house.
Brian was already unlocking the door, and John looked about ready to sleep. They walked into the house, Freddie and Brian immediately going to the kitchen to put the medication away, as well as make a cup of tea for everyone, but it left John and Roger stood in the living room, not entirely sure what to do.
When Brian came back out of the kitchen, they were still stood there. Brian frowned.
“You guys can make yourself comfortable. I can get you some pyjamas if you want to get comfy.”
John nodded his head before sitting down on the sofa. Roger didn’t reply but sat on the sofa too, however far enough away from John so that the youngest wouldn’t speak to him.
Brian hesitated, seemingly to see if Roger would answer, but after he didn’t, Brian trudged up the stairs to find something for them to wear.
Freddie came back in, four cups of tea scattered on a tray that he placed on the small table in the middle of the room. He then proceeded to sit between Roger and John, and smiled when John instinctively moved closer, seeking comfort from his eldest brother.
“You okay John?” Freddie asked quietly.
“No but I will be,” John replied with a small smile, and Freddie looked at John and saw something in his eyes. Hope. He had hope. He didn’t know about Brian, but Freddie was a lot more content knowing that at least two of them had some sort of optimism.
When Brian came back down, he had a set of pyjamas for all of them except himself as he had already gotten changed upstairs. He offered them out, but Roger wasn’t exactly paying attention, and it became apparent that wherever he was, was not in the room they were sitting in. Instead of forcing him, Brian placed the clothes on the side whilst John and Freddie slipped theirs on. Brian then squeezed onto the sofa too, between Freddie and Roger, and handed out the tea.
“Rog?”
Blue eyes flicked to him and then the cup. He took it with a small smile, and Brian was thankful that Roger hadn’t cut off from them completely.
---------------
They talked for hours about what had happened since they last saw each other. Well, three of them talked. Roger still hadn’t uttered a word.
“So do you think you’ll pass?” Brian asked John, referring to his engineering A level he was finishing.
“I hope so. I only have until May to make sure I’m ready for the exam,” John replied before sipping his cup of tea.
“Only have until May? You do realise it’s November,” Freddie chuckled.
“What about you Rog?”
Roger turned his head to them and blinked, obviously not willing to contribute to the conversation.
“Last time I checked, you were doing well weren’t you? I’m sure you told me that you were heading for an A in your Biology,” John said, which earned a small nod from Roger in response.
Freddie smiled. “That’s good Rog. I hope you get an A. You deserve it.”
Freddie remembered when his parents were told that Roger had to be held back a year. So instead of being in the year above John, he was now in the same year. He was about eight at the time, and the whole reason was because he would much rather mess around than do his work. His parents weren’t particularly mad, though they were disappointed. Freddie remembered the night quite clearly. They told Roger after dinner, and as soon as they began to raise their voices, Roger started to visibly flinch. Freddie didn’t think he’d ever seen his parents so mortified with themselves to react in such a way. They still let him know that his behaviour wasn’t acceptable, but they did it with quiet voices and let him cry in their laps, sobbing about how much he was sorry. As soon as Roger hit high school, he was determined to do well, as if he wanted to outdo his little brother all because they were in the same year. But that then later changed to just trying to get into university. And Freddie knew that college was hard for both John and Roger, and both of them so desperately wanted to get into university.
Roger smiled hesitantly at Freddie’s words before turning back to the tv that was playing lowly in the background.
If Roger didn’t want to talk today, that was fine, but if he didn’t show any signs of getting better soon, Freddie was sure they would be dragging him back to the doctors.
He couldn’t lose his brother too.
---------------
Whilst Roger and John got ready for bed, Freddie and Brian pulled out the sofa bed, throwing a few pillows and a duvet on there for their younger brothers to sleep in.
“Do you think they’ll be okay Fred,” Brian whispered as he placed a pillow at the head of the bed.
“I think John will be okay. He seems to be doing well,” Freddie mumbled as he straightened the duvet out.
“What about Rog?” Brian questioned, his eyes showing how he didn’t think their situation was good either.
Freddie sighed. “I don’t know. It’s only been a day, and he has been through a lot of trauma. Until we can find out what happened, I don’t know how to help him other than going back to the hospital for them to assess him.”
Brian only looked at Freddie before he continued making the bed. When he was done, who moved over to Freddie and hugged him, letting himself cry for a few minutes, and allowing Freddie to do the same.
Freddie felt Brian cry against him, and so placed his arms around his brother, a few tears slipping out of his own. He didn’t know how they had both held it together so much throughout the day, but he was glad that neither of them were bottling it up.
“It will be okay Fred,” Brian whispered. Freddie squeezed him in response before pulling away, wiping his eyes with his pyjama sleeve.
“Are you guys okay?”
The small voice from the hallway made them jump.
“It’s hard Deacy but we’ll be okay,” Freddie replied, offering his arms out for a hug. John was quick to comply, and they hugged each other tightly, desperately wanting to forget everything that happened.
“Will you be okay tonight?” Freddie asked softly.
“I’ll be alright. I have Roger with me.”
Freddie nodded before pulling away, allowing John to get into the sofa bed.
The sound of crutches repetitively hitting the floor turned their attention back to the dim hallway, where Roger was emerging. He looked absolutely dreadful, and Freddie hoped that sleeping somewhere that wasn’t the hospital would do him good.
He got into bed slowly, placing his crutches beside him. He immediately turned onto his side so that his back was to John.
“Goodnight. We’ll see you in the morning. Don’t be afraid to wake us up if you need anything,” Freddie told them.
“Night,” Brian said as he followed Freddie towards their bedrooms.
The two youngest were plunged into silence, the darkness of the room looming over them and John felt that actually, maybe he wasn’t alright. He turned over and tapped Roger softly on the shoulder.
“Rog?”
To his surprise, Roger rolled back over onto his back, his big eyes trained on John, a hint of concern plaguing them.
“Roger I’m scared,” John whispered before evidently breaking down into sobs. He felt arms curl around him and bring him closer, and John thanked everything and anyone that Roger’s older brother instincts had been pulled to the surface enough for him to comfort John. John cried against him, so caught up in his own sobs that he didn’t know if Roger was crying as well.
John didn’t know how long they lay there, but he found himself drifting off to sleep. He did notice, before he was taken into unconsciousness, that Roger had moved away from him and was sat up in bed, head in his hands. John wanted to comfort him desperately, but he didn’t know how. He has always been the younger brother. Everyone comforted him, not the other way around.
So instead of doing anything, he let sleep take him , the whimpering sounds of his brother’s crying fading out with the rest of the world.