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The lights have been turned off for a little while, and Hanae’s eyes have adjusted to the dark. Still wide, staring at the ceiling. He has been trying to close his eyes, drifting off to sleep, but he can’t. His mind is full of thoughts and questions that he can’t ask out loud because of some reasons.
One of the reasons is, Abeno is in the same room, sleeping on the floor beside his bed.
He turns his head to look, to peek, and finds Abeno’s eyes staring back at him. He quickly looks away, his heart pounding fast. Was he too loud? Did he accidentally say whatever was on his mind out loud? Was that why Abeno can’t sleep?
“Can’t sleep?” He hears Abeno ask. He also hears some rustle and feels the bed tilting. He looks at Abeno who is sitting beside him, looking back at him with a frown. Hanae kind of expects Abeno to click his tongue and mutter, you’re such a five years old who can’t sleep because you’re too excited.
But Abeno does not do it, he’s still frowning, but he doesn’t look mad, not even a bit. He’s still staring, but it seems like his mind is faraway. He raises his hand, slowly, as if he wants to reach for something, but he snaps out of his thought, and he puts his hand down. If all, he looks… concerned.
Hanae then starts wondering, since when Abeno is so easy to read? Since when Ashiya could tell Abeno is lying, or hiding something from him? Has he worked for him too long already? Or was it because so many things happened with them, and how Hanae could tell that Abeno was not an aloof, cold person he thought of, once?
“Ashiya.”
Even Hanae can hear Ashiya’s voice is full of concern and weariness, that makes him feel bad. He bites his lower lip, and gets up. “Y-yeah.” He answers, rubbing his nape. “Sorry if I bother you, I’ll try not to be loud—“
“Want to talk about it?”
His voice is gentle, kind of soothing, the kind of tone Abeno uses to his customers; to make them willing to talk, and Abeno will hear every single thing from their request. His eyes look right at Hanae’s. The eye contact is also necessary when the customers utter their request.
But Hanae is not one of his customers. He doesn’t want to add anything to his debt, but he also does not want Abeno to treat him like that. Hanae is… what? His employee? His friend? Certainly they’re far from friends, considering Hanae is still calling him with honorifics. But they’re more than colleague, because how can Hanae explain that… sometimes… he knows, he just knows, what Abeno is planning to do, to say next, whenever they’re working?
Maybe that is what it means to work, Hanae decides.
He’s staring down at Abeno’s hand. It’s near his own. Hanae never thinks about it, never pays attention to it, but like everything else about him, Abeno’s hand is beautiful. He has long fingers and clean nails. It’s not that bigger than Hanae’s. And he wonders if Abeno’s hand is always cold, like his personality, or is it surprisingly warm.
“I…” Hanae starts. “I’m just scared that every time I sleep, I will… have that dream again, and… and…” He takes a deep breath, and nearly sobs. “It… it feels like it’s me doing it, not—“ He chokes, and covers his face with both hands. It’s pathetic, crying in front of Abeno, making him look like a fool and more like a child…
He feels a hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t look, but he feels a warm breath near his ear, and a voice—Abeno’s—whispering, “It’s not you, Ashiya. It’s not. It’s Sakae. It’s not you.”
Somehow, that sounds reassuring, to know that someone who has seen him doing that thing with his own hands… and still trusts him to work around youkai… that makes Hanae cry harder. “But…” he tries, “What if, all along, it’s me? It’s me, it’s my hand, it’s my influence, and—“
“Ashiya.” Abeno says. “I’ve seen you act and talk to our customers. I’ve seen you crying because one of them happened to have a sad story. I’ve seen you realizing Mononokean’s, indirectly, wish to have flowers for the alcove. I’ve seen how happy you were when you met Hairball again. I’ve seen you, Ashiya. I see you. You’re not like that.”
And when he says that, he holds Hanae. Tight, and then tighter. Hanae lets his hands wrapped around Abeno’s back, as he buries his face on Abeno’s shoulder. He thinks, Abeno-san will get mad at me later because I’ve dirtied his shirt with snot. But Abeno does not protest; he is just letting Hanae cry and grasp his shirt, clinging to it.
“But—what if, someday, I’ll become like him and—“
“I won’t let you.”
“But he’s—he’s my father.”
“You’re you, not your father.”
“What if I accidentally hurt Fuzzy…”
“You won’t.”
“What if… what if I accidentally hurt you.”
Abeno does not answer right away. Hanae still remembers, he can see Abeno, lying under him, passed out because Hanae had tried to kill him. It felt like he was trapped in invisible bars, with no way out, and all he could do was watch and scream, Stop! Stop! No! Abeno-san! Someone please save him! And the worst of all, it was as if his own self had betrayed him by not stopping, and not listening.
Sometimes… most of the times, he still gets nightmares about it; that he has, somehow, dirtied his hands with blood, and the next thing he sees in the dream is Abeno, in a pool of blood. His own blood. Hanae never tells Abeno that.
But Abeno, the real Abeno, is in front of Hanae, holding him close, his breath even, his hand strokes his hair. Hanae tries to concentrate on Abeno’s breathing, and tries to mimic his. In, and out. In, and out. In, and out.
And afterward, when Hanae has calmed down a bit and can breathe normally without hiccuping or sobbing, the thought of their current situation and position just dawns on him. He pulls away, suddenly, abruptly, it startles Abeno.
“...What.” Abeno frowns; it is a look that Hanae knows too well. Abeno is irritated.
“I—um—uh—“ Hanae stammers. “Um. I’m sorry…”
“...For what.”
“For… for…” For what? For everything? For dirtying your shirt? For having to listen to my silly thought? For being a five years old you loathe? For keeping up with me?
“Ashiya,” Abeno calls. “Do you remember that one time, you told me I shouldn’t hesitate to ask for help?”
Hanae nods, unsure about the connected dots.
“Well, the same goes for you.” Abeno continues, “Please don’t hesitate to ask for my help, when you need it.”
Hanae can feel his lips trembling, his tears ready to fall down any minute. He knows Abeno see it, so that is why he tries to hold in it. He bows down his head. “Thank you, Abeno-san.” When he looks up, he sees Abeno still looks like wanting to say more, so he quickly adds, “We should go to sleep.”
Abeno is still looking closely at Hanae; an habit that Abeno himself does not even realize, but it is something he usually does, when he wants to make sure Hanae is really, truly fine.
(Perhaps, Hanae realizes, that Abeno is also getting good at reading Hanae. Not that Hanae is that hard to read. What can he say? He is such a five years old.)
Hanae tries to smile, to hide his weariness. It may seem to work, because Abeno, seeing it, only sighs and mutters, “Okay.” as he is about to get up, to move back to his place on the floor.
“Wait—“
Abeno stares, again, with a confused look on his face. First, at Hanae, then at Hanae’s hand that is wrapped around his wrist. “Uh—um—“ Hanae stammers, his face is getting hot, What was I thinking. “You… can sleep here. Um, in the bed, I mean. It… doesn’t look comfortable sleeping on the floor.”
“You gave me your futon.”
“Y-yeah! But, still, it’s cold. The bed is much warmer…”
“I’m used to sleep in Mononokean.”
“Um… yeah… it’s true…”
“And is the bed enough for us?”
“I guess, it is…? I mean, we’re both guys who are still growing but, as for now, it’ll… fit…” Hanae’s voice drifts off, as he tries not to sound excited and thrilled. He’ll feel at ease if someone is sleeping near him, or preferably, by his side. And a few minutes ago (or probably half an hour ago), he tried to sleep with Abeno in the same room with him, but he failed, which resulted in this situation. So… why not?
To his surprise, Abeno only snorts, and shows him a small smile; a curl at the corner of his lip, and even in the dark, Hanae still can’t believe how beautiful Abeno can be. He still does not speak when Abeno says, “Fine, fine. You five-years-old who still needs to be coddled.”
Hanae feels his face grows even hotter. Coddle. “H-hey! As if Abeno-san will spoil me!”
“You’re right, I won’t.” Abeno replies, pulling his hand, and before Hanae can protest, he adds, “Let me grab my pillow.”
And with that, they’re in the same bed, and Hanae already regrets this.
His heart is beating too fast, and he can’t sleep because of it. Even after Fuzzy has snuggled in between them (and lets Hanae pet him until he falls asleep), Hanae is still thinking of Abeno Haruitsuki, willingly, obey his request, and lies down beside him.
“Ashiya.”
“Y-yes, Abeno-san?” Hanae turns to his side.
“Still can’t sleep?”
“I… can… maybe.”
“Huh. In case you forgot, we have work tomorrow, early morning.”
“Right…”
“So you better sleep now.”
“Okay…”
Hanae notices Abeno’s eyes look already heavy, almost half-sleeping. Hanae closes his eyes, if he can’t sleep, the least he can do is pretend. Abeno must be tired, from the job they did today. He opens one of his eyes, peeking—
—and finds Abeno is staring at him. He opens both eyes in surprise, shocked. Abeno turns to his side, as he reaches out his hand in front of Hanae’s face. “Here,” he says. “Maybe you’ll sleep better if someone holds your hand.”
That… is something Hanae does not expect coming from Abeno. But still, he obliges. His hand moves to Abeno’s, and he squeezes it, gently. Hanae catches Abeno smiling, before Abeno closes his eyes.
Hanae waits for a few minutes, to see if Abeno is sleeping. He sees Abeno’s breath getting soft and even; his face relaxes, and he looks… younger when he sleeps, exactly like his age. There’s a strand of hair that gets in the way of his face, and without thinking, Hanae reaches out to push it…
It occurs to him that it must have been hard, to become Master of Mononokean at a young age. To listen and fulfill the wishes of youkai, to become the only human in a world full of youkai, to see and hear things others can’t do…
Hanae remembers something Abeno would say, would add as an afterthought, “At least, based on my experience…” when he talks about something that makes sense, like how humans who can’t see, are hard to convince that other living being exists in their mundane world. It must have been hard. It must have been… lonely.
Hanae’s chest feels heavy with the thoughts. He’s still feeling regret he has his influence and his sight. But then… if it were not for that, he couldn’t have met Abeno, Mononokean, and Fuzzy. And also he couldn’t have gone to the Underworld. True, many bad things happened because of his sight and influence, but also many good things happened as well.
And most importantly, Abeno is not alone.
Hanae’s hand is still on Abeno’s hair, as he whispers. “Good night, Abeno-san.” And closes his eyes.
Before he drifts off to sleep, he thinks, Abeno-san’s hand is warm.